Argh

** May trigger: ref to SI and ODing**

Ok this is just a vent to try to stop me from doing anything stupid.

no i havent been drinking so i am not feeling depressed because of that but ever since i got up today i have been feeling really pretty down. i love going in chat but i wish i could be invisible in there recently... i wish i could just hover there and have nobody see me but still get the support there. But no i have to see my name up on there. but then if nobody talked to me there i would feel ignored lol. i cant win that lol. all the arguments that take place there in chat upset me too... i know we cant all agree all the time, but sometimes things get a little alarming.

anyway... i have been feeling pretty self-destructive recently, not in a suicide way though, but more with intent to hurt myself. it is so stupid, there is no reason for it. i am just wanting to risk myself at the moment and i know that if anything did happen to me, my defences are so low i dont know how i would be able to cope with it. but doing things like walking around the city at 4am, i did that in December. it scared me a bit because it was a lot quieter than i had expected, but the high i was on when i got back home was great. so i am planning on going for a walk today, just getting out in the fresh air you know and getting exercise which is meant to help depression. And if I happen to wander through a rough area on the way... so what? all the better. this is so stupid...

and i am wanting to SI, and drink, and OD. part of the reason why i want to OD is from the desire to hurt myself but i am scared of going too far and since i am alone in my room i cant exactly get help and ODing is so stupid i know but i still want to do it, maybe getting outside will distract me but then i can buy stuff to OD with, this is sounding soooo messed up. i havent even ODed before, or rather i have but by just one tablet so i cant exactly call that an OD.

i see my counsellor this Wednesday but i dont know, i do like her and she does seem unjudgemental but i am not sure she fully understands, she is going to ask me why i have restarted SI-ing and I dont know why. ok i am depressed but it's not like it is unbearable and i dont know as well if i can tell her about how kind of self-destructive i have been feeling, i dont want to freak her out. she might get the wrong idea and think i want to kill myself when i dont.

and here i am with no reason for the depression, ppl here have all sorts of complicated reasons for it and it just seems stupid to have depression for no reaso n, i know it is possible and that i shouldnt downplay it because if it is affecting me then it is important, blah blah blah, but still it is pretty pointless. and i dont want to go on meds either, but i also dont want to end up suicidal again. but as somebody on chat pointed out this morning, maybe i will feel better if i got myself a boyfriend. Right. NOT. as i have a;lready said, i dont trust men and i dont want a boyfriend, not now anyway.

and this whole post is pointless, just self-pitying trash, feel free to delete it if i dont

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i so understand your upset and confusion. it's hard enough to deal with something when we know what's caused it. when we don't know the source, how do we firgure things out?

let me tell you about this young lady i know...i met her online. at first she didn't have much to say. she was a bit shy i think she was one of the first ones at the site to reach out and touch me. she came out of her shyness long enuf to reach out...and to me! i feel so blessed for that now, because i've found this young woman to be one of the kindest, most intelligent, giving, thoughtful, compassionate ppl i know. i'm blessed to have her in my life. she's witty too, and makes me smile alot. she's taken the time to learn about my dx...simply because she cares. i come online every day just to check for an email from her. she truly cares.

silver, i understand your depression and how confusing and downright hopeless it feels sometimes, but i know you're gonna be alright! you are not only those things above, you are strong and brave as well. you have insight that few ppl possess in old age!

you deserve true happiness and i want to be there when you find it...notice i used the word "when". you will.

i'm so glad to have you in my life,

kd

Ditto Kimmy. Silver, I am sorry you are feeling so down. Please do not take chances with your safety. Getting attacked and living through it would just give you more crap to deal with. I sense lonliness in you. You can't be lonely, you have all of us!. Be safe sweetie.

I'm so dizzy right now from last night... I... think I know what you mean. I, too, walk around the city in strange hours of the night. I, too, feel depressed enough to not care if I OD or am run over by a bus or killed by a stray bullet (very common in Rio lol).
I'm sorry that people like us (seemingly smart and with love to share) have to feel like crap.

Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one. And that meeting you in chat was fun.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Silver_Queen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thinking of you with love
nightdream

Thanks Kimmy for posting that. It is so kind and thoughtful of you. It makes me cry every time I read it lol... and i know this sounds stupid, but i cant believe what you say, all the good stuff about me. I dont know how better to phrase it. But anyway... thank you for answering, I am so glad to have met you and to be friends with you.

Wise, thank you for writing. Actually I just walked to the supermarket and back which is perfectly safe exept that it is a main road lol.

Hey Saudade...

Did we meet in chat? I dont remember lol. Anyway, at least i dont feel quite so weird doing this type of stuff. Thanks for writing .

((((((((((((nightdream)))))))))))))

Thank you.

lol we were hhhiiiiggghh hahaha :-)

Dear Silver Queen --

I am so sorry that you are suffering so much right now. I'm really glad that KimmyDawn wrote that beautiful post with things you need to hear right now: I don't know you as well as she, and it is beautiful to witness how much you care about each other.

I don't know that having a bf solves anything. Esp. not if you don't want one for the time being.

I used to have the kind of reckless attitude -- and actions -- you describe, when I was younger. One time I went to buy marijuana in a migrant workers' camp that was so rough, three people were murdered there in a single weekend shortly after, and the county shut it down. I had nice middle class sources, but I did it anyway. I didn't SI, but I was plenty self-destructive. So your message brought back lots of feelings about the bad old days.

I don't have any words that can make things better. In some of the 12-step meetings I've attended, I've heard people say that the gift of the program is the already-sober just "love people [until they get] well." Or love them into being well. I pray that there is enough love for you here and with your T and friends to love you to wellness and wholeness and happiness.

Ok... so i am not feeling too good today either. I am not feeling as self-destructive as at this time last week though, which is good... kind of anyway. I was pretty scared of myself last week, afraid that i would cause myself too much damage if I ODed. though i did nothing. but anyway... today i having been thinking in a kind of abstract way about suicide... i have had it in a vague way all this week but because i am feeling so bad today, it is kind of strong. my best friend rang me just before; we ended up talking for nearly an hour lol. her 21st birthday is in October, and she was talking about her plans for her party and i was kind of silent and she said, 'You are coming to it, aren't you?' and i said yes... but really i was wondering if i would be alive in October. but i couldnt say that obviously as it would freak her out. i told her i was depressed and not feeling too good, but she doesnt know how bad i am.

i see my counsellor on Wednesday. i dont want to tell her that i am starting to have suicidal thoughts. it is only last week that i told her i had started SI-ing. and i dont want to be put in hospital. but i know i have to start taking action now, but i dont know what i am meant to do. i am not taking meds and nor do i want to, but maybe since my depression is getting this bad, i should. i dont know. i dont even know why i am getting suicidal, my feeling of depression isnt intolerable or anything. though i think my feelings are slowly shutting down maybe. i am definitely finding it hard to have loving feelings any more. i am so glad i have you guys here. it is hard to confide in my feelings so publicly and i keep thinking that there is little point in me posting it, but i will do it anyway.

hopefully this post wont be pulled for the suicide part. i am just venting i guess.

Tell your counsellor everything, including suicidal feelings. Your life is not something to be trifled with.

As for you having no reason to be depressed,
My first full blown depression hit right after I got my first apartment and away from my yelling father. You would think that would be the happiest moment of my life.

It wasn't.

I started showing classic signs of depression and then I wrote my first suicide note and left it laying in my apartment, unsure of what to do next. A friend found it before things went any further and confronted me and insisted that I get help. I'm glad he did, but at the time, I was like a six year old kid who thought she was going to get it when Dad walked in the door, because of what I had done.

If you're thinking of suicide and taking risks with yourself and self injuring, then your reasons for it are just as "valid" as mine are and it should be treated with just as much seriousness. I know you're afraid of medication, but what's the alternative?

You're too precious to lose and you're too young to die. Even if I'm not the most social person on the planet, I still ache when one of my friends gets like this and I worry about them.

Please, please tell your couunsellor what's going on. That's what she gets paid for, to help sort these things out. You won't be the first suicidal person she's helped and you won't be the last. This problem is far too common.

I'm glad you're on here with us to talk about it.

SILVER QUEEN: I have been worried about you for some time, since you are so set against taking meds. I was the same way for many, many years, going through needless suffering. Not that I am saying meds are the answer --- but if your doc thinks they might help --- I would hope you will consider taking them.

Adieu

Silver, I feel like a mommy here. Maybe because you and my son are almost exactly the same age. Honey please tell others, including the counselor how you are feeling. I have been so lonely that I would, tried to take my own life. You have love here. You are a very unique human being. Silver, I didn't tell anyone this but I am agist, I believe, as I was taught that young people's feelings and beliefs have no meaning. However, you have meaning, your pain has meaning, and my Jane knew that we all had meaning. Please my dear friend reach out. If not close to you than with us. You are a soulful young lady and I feel such a bond with you. Can I come to London and visit?

As you can see, Silver Queen, many people care about you here.

My ex BF and another friend had fathers that killed themselves. These orphaned children believe that nothing is more selfish than suicide. It says to all those who love us -- You and your pain at losing me mean nothing to me.

We depressed people honestly and truly believe that no one really cares about us. Our disease tells us that no one will really miss us. They are just being nice. They may have some tiny pang of regret, but they'll get over it quickly. And forget all about us.

Our disease tells us that we're useless, worthless. Not only won't they miss us, they will be better off without our whining, needy selves around.

Yes, we can see that it is all for the best that we end this dreadful pain. We see it. Those who love us don't see it.

Antidepressants target very specific areas of the brain. They are not a cure-all, as others have said. But Effexor has changed my life -- in tandem with prayer, with CBT, with help from those the Forums community and my spiritual community of choice. I'm am 56, SQ, and this is the first time in my life that some cloud has lifted from my brain, that was always there even in the best of times. Still there a little, sometimes. But not ready to strangle me.

Sorry to write so long. Clinton made a cliche out of the words, "I feel your pain." But I do. And I want so much for you to want to live. Please Silver Queen. You have value here. Can it be enough for you to know this even if you can't feel it for right now? And to take care of yourself for the sake of all those who love and care about you?

Hey, thanks for replying hamstergirl.

Yeah, I guess i should mention suicidal thoughts to her. Like you say, that is what she is there for lol. I was talking with somebody earlier who said that i should make it clear that i am only having thoughts and dont intend acting on them. at least i dont think so, i am feeling pretty confused here lol. anyway, yes... i will try to talk to her about it tomorrow. my biggest fear is that i will be thrown in hospital. i cant afford more time off, i took off too much time last semester.

Thanks for your concern, adieu. My dr knows that i don't want to take meds and accepts my reasons. Meds probably would help me, too. I dont know. There are so many things bad about them, that I read. Ok, yes, i suppose this is a case of do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. and i dont think i can find anywhere that can give unbiased, unjudgemental views. and if i did, i probably still wouldn't be able to make up my mind haha.

Hi wise...
Ok, i am going to tell my counsellor how i feel, if i can. i am supposed to meet my dr too sometime, maybe i will tell her , but since i have only met her once before, maybe not. unless my counsellor goes behind my back and tells her anyway or something. other than that, nobody in my life is going to know how i am feeling, other than online.

lol about London... seems a lot of ppl want to visit me recently haha. though actually i dont live in London, but in another city about 200 miles north maybe. though i am sure London is a nice place to visit too.

Thanks for talking the time to write, Wants2Fly. I agree that depression can lie to us and tell us that we are not loved. that happened to me during my last depressive episode. but this time, it hasnt happened. so i know that people care about me, i know that. and i know it is so bad that i am feeling this way when i shouldnt be doing. but maybe talking with the counsellor tomorrow will help straighten things out in my mind.

No "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" when it comes to feelings, Silver Queen.

Feelings just are. From everything my Ts tell me, it supposed to be better to feel 'em and deal with 'em than to suppress 'em.

Even though meds gets a lot of bad publicity -- they are a godsend for some of us.

Glad you know you are loved, and seeing your counselor. Brava for keeping going when you really don't feel like it.

Ok, so I went to my counselling appointment today, and yes, i did tell her about my thoughts... about 5 mins before the end of the session lol. She was fine about it. She knows that around this time last year, I was shoved in hospital for the same thing, so she knows I can get through them. She asked me if they were just thoughts and that I wasnt intending on acting on them. I said that they were just thoughts, yes. But I am not too sure, really. But it was the end of the session and I didnt want to scare her so I left it at that. I should pull through. I see her again next Wednesday. It seems ages away. I am also a little worried about self-destructive behaviour in a way, but I didn't know how to express it so I said nothing. Such as: wanting to od. Such as: having a headache for hours but not geting out paracetamol for fear of taking rather too many. lol. But hey. I could be thinking worse things. I thought I would feel a little better after talking with her, but I don't. Really quite annoying lol. I am glad I have got you ppl anyway. There is somebody in chat most times of the day.

Keep on going, Silver Queen. And keep on posting.

(((((((((((((Silver Queen)))))))))))))))))

Thanks for answering Wants2Fly. You give some nice advice.

Ok, so I had an exam today. I think it went ok actually, though my mind felt totally exhausted afterward lol. I thought that since it had gone ok, that I would feel a little better, having got it out of the way. But my mood is worse now. I dont know why.