I don't know where to put this because it could fit in just about any place here so I am posting it here and someone else can decide where it should go.

Healing is such a strange thing. No one wants to be sick.. unless you're sick with hypocodrititis , or munchousing and so on but hey in the ideal world (if there is such a thing) the concept is if you're sick take care of it and be done. hip hip hoo ray I'm cured right? Think about it a person is sick for much of their lives with a problem could be cancer, organ failure, mental disorder, disfigurement. Then one day after working for ages and ages aiming for that cure that never comes and suddenly you realize "OMG this is it. I have reached for the stars and caught them" I did that when I was diagnosed with this cancer - MALT Lymphoma. I was told I had a 5o-50 chance thats it. no 98% chance and so on. With non hodgekins lymphoma I had two choices remission or die the first time around. So I reached for the stars forced the doctor into treating me when he wanted to give it more time to develop (why is beyond me other than I was on state medical card and they didn't want to charge the card at this stage of the game) and one year later I sat there hearing the words "well you did it, you are now in remission, cancer cell free, hold it for 7 years and you will be cured" I sat there like a stupid idiot thinking "what just happened here, is this for real, remission or die and I got the remission?" Then I went though all kinds of stuff like not knowing how to talk to my friends that were still battling for their remissions. Then I didn't want to be in remission because I thought I had to leave all those friends behind. but then I realized my friendships with them may have started because I had cancer but it didn't continue because I had cancer. it continued because both sides enjoyed each others company.

I have found that mental disorders are no different. we all reach for the stars hoping to finally be done with the problems. but how many of us once we realize our depression, panic attacks, DID and whatever other problems we have are finally at that last stage of healing. We have finally grabbed that elusive, shining star of healing. No matter who it is every time one of my friends reaches this point they go through the "what nows" and "how am I going to fit in now that I'm different and becoming whole again" So many things that person goes through on that end of the spectrum as does the unhealed side of the friendships. Everytime I see someone bypassing my healing level I go through being jellous of the person, the "why couldn't that be me's" the "oh man healing REALLY is possible if he or she can" and theres the "OMG what will happen to me when I reach that point?"

Healing is just so strange a feeling for both sides - wanting it, not wanting it because of what is being left behind. So hard to figure out.

But the one thing I do know and that is the healing process is amazing, questions and all. And in the healing process of my cancer and my DID I have learned to welcome those lifes awards that show me healing is possible and I don't need to leave my friends behind just because they heal faster or slower than I do. If they are healing faster then me then they have alot to offer, just by being with me and being their self and if they are healing slower than me I have alot to offer just by being around for them and being myself (the person not the memory piece as LMO pointed out sometimes using that word now can be confusing LOL). and I also know I love hearing about the up side of the healing process not just the down side so now that I have probably confused the hell out of everyone I'll stop typing for a bit.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((myself))))))))))))))) I understand what you are saying. It is because of people like you all that I sometimes can have hope of healing as well. I hope you are able to catch that last star of healing very quickly.

It is sometimes scary (maybe not so much scary as bewildering?) for me to think, if I was healed, what would I do. For example, one day I asked my daughter, what would you do with your time if you didnt get anxious and didnt worry about things anymore. She said, "Wow, mom, that would free up a lot of time, I don't know what I would do." She was rather dumbfounded and I realized at that moment how much time we spend on things such as that, and things such as healing. And sometimes get so focused on it that when it does happen, sit down bewildered wondering what are we to do now.

I don't know if it is the same thing now that I have written it down but if not, perhaps an addition.

Thank you myself, for sharing and encouraging us all as we all reach for those stars as well.

yes it's exactly the same.

Every time I see someone reach this much wished for point that I have not reached yet I'm faced with the reality of how much time is spent on my therapy process and how far I have come from where I was almost 5 years ago and wonder what its going to be like in the future how ever near or far that turns out to be, but once reaching that point I wish for and not have to worry about being triggered into other memory pieces because all the memories have been remembered and taken care of so that they are no longer burried for me to be triggered into acting on them. to someday not have to constantly look for the triggers because with remembering comes the uncovering of the triggers.

The process just happens naturally like something that happened to me this past spring. 25 years ago I had a teacher who left. we corresponded for a bit then that correspondance was stopped during an abuse situation. So from that situation to this past spring I had a memory piece and the memory content was from that abuse situation and most of my memories of that teacher. This past spring I went looking for my teacher then friend and I found her and we are now in touch with each other once again. Since last spring she has been helping me put my memories surrounding what happened 25 years ago in order by confirming and filling in the blanks and so on. I now know what happened back then so the memories called "Darlene" are no longer burried and hidden. This means nothing can trigger me into acting out those memories (switching into the memory piece).

The memories will always be there for memories are stored in the brain forever and I will always know that while the memories were burried and hidden they were called "Darlene". But becauseI now know what happened in that situation and I can no longer be triggered into switching into "Darlene" everything "Darlene" did for me -math skills and so on that is the content of that memory once hidden now known I do myself because I can remember those things now.

Now put that in the bigger scheme of things where sometime in the future however near or far to the point where all my memory pieces and what happened is remembered and I have total access and I no longer have to spend all this time and energy that I am now on the things I am now around repressed memories (finding memory pieces and their content). So much freedom but yet...

"dumbfounded?" you bet. and just about every other word possible.

As mindboggling, mindblowing, amazing and so on this is I plan on continuing reaching for that final healing star. I don't know what I will do when I reach that point but I do know that when it comes I will have the help of my friends and therapist and I do know that after the initial shock of "I made it through" hits and wears off I will be ok because others before me have reached that point and have been ok. besides I can't resist the idea of holding a star..

The healing process continues to amaze and challenge me at the same time.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((myself)))))))))))))))

we WILL achieve our individual healings. of this, I have no doubt. healing represents something to each of us, slightly varying, I'm sure. however, i feel we will achieve this. so many ppl have watched and shared in my growth over this last year. it's truly been one heck of a journey. there is still quite a bit of the road ahead for me, but is appears managable.

i think that i'm just now getting to the point where i can actually clearly define what healing represents to me. before i could just tell t, "i want to own my current existence without meltdowns and losing time." i'm finding out that scheduled "melting-losing time" is quite ok! i'm changing my view of healing. to me, at this point, healing for me would be to have all parts of myself feel safe enough to share my present and their past...all right here up front and know that that was then and this is now...good, bad and ugly. to me, that would be healing. i'm learning to soothe these parts of me that need a "little extra" to be here. right now it's quite enjoyable. i'm learning that i don't have to be 100% 100% of the time and people still care about me. i'm learning so much that's leading towards my necessary healing.

thank you for sharing your journey and goals.

what a thoughtful, honest, heartfelt post, myself.

KD

((((((((((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))))))))

Yea I know what you mean. right now its just me and my cat at home so to me right now it doesn't matter if at home I control the slipping into la la land and I do it mostly at night now. I do it partly because I get so tired of staying focused in reality that I welcome being able to just relax and let come what (or in this case who) may. I also do it on purpose so that the drawings, and so on will keep coming so that I can put all the pieces together and find out who and what those buried memories are. As for enjoying the memories up front back in 2001-2002 I started learning how to listen past the static to the voices and taking care of what the voices needed so I have been enjoying the memories close up front (and sometimes too up front, dang the things I hear like the one saying pizza, pizza, pizza for the past hour until I broke down and ordered up pizza hut LOL) anyway I have been working that angle now for 4-5 years. Things are quieter now but still quite noisey. Which tells me I have more memories to reach for. But yes we WILL achieve healing. We're already in the process. There's no turning back now. Can't take away what has already been healed. Thats done. Now there's just moving forwards.

You're welcome and thank YOU for also sharing what you are going through. I feel the same way about your posts. they help me so much.

[wanttoheal]

How wonderful for you to have that teacher to help fill in the memories. I rather envy that. I am unsure where to go to fill in the pieces without causing more safety issues.

Do you have to have the memory to find out what the trigger is? And when you find out the trigger, how do you desensitize? I get triggered by so much that it feels like air triggers me sometimes. Sometimes the last thing I remember is something simple such as the way someone moved their hand a weird way and I am gone.

Isn't it funny what we think is reality before we start to realize what reality is. I had no clue about anything. People generally do remember their childhood, or at least good portions of it?? They know what they did last week during this time??

I am in the beginning of the "awareness" part of this thing I guess you would call it. Where everything stinks and I just don't want it to be so. And I totally understand the amazement and challenge. I want to be better, I don't want to know memories, I want to move forward, please let me go back to when I knew nothing. I think, gosh, life was so much easier when I didn't even know anything. I just moved about my day. But then, gosh, how did I get through then. I mean, I am doing the same stuff now I guess. I am just having it pointed out to me now but it seems like now I look at my life and it is so chaotic. But i guess it was always chaotic, I just didn't know what chaotic meant.

KD, your healing encourages me and amazes me. I have seen so much change and growth in you in the last year, especially in the last few months. I guess I am in the "I want to own my own current existence without meltdowns and losing time" part. I think I am just there now... kind of. I just want it without knowing anything or feeling any pain.

I haven't gotten to where I want to soothe any parts because I do not want them to exist. So, I guess, for me at this time, maybe healing would be acceptance, or at least it might be the first step.

My life is unsafe at times even now, as an "adult". I feel like I have to be here 100% of the time to protect and care for myself and my family. And I can't seem to do that because of the fact that it is unsafe. The moving forward gets put on hold so often because of the unsafe situations.

Thank you both for sharing. While I am at the beginning of this journey called healing, it is nice to see those that have gone before. KD, talking to you often helps me to survive another day, believing that it might possibly get better, especially during those "unsafe" times. I cherish you more than you will ever know.

I wish everyone so much healing in their journeys.
Thanks,

Its funny I was blogging on this last night and tonight but keep losing the entry probably because the entry is too long and I need to break it down and now you are posting a question about this. LOL and so cool when this kind of thing happens.

Yes it is possible to find some of your triggers but Im not sure if trying to desensitize yourself without knowing why you get triggered by it and that is what knowing the memory does. But hey would love to know if it works for you. it didn't with me.

The way my therapist and I went about locating my triggers is by journalling and charting. I'm cheep I buy normal .99 cent 70 page notebooks instead of the 9-12 dollar journaling books that have 200 pages. I write alot and by getting the notebooks which for 210 pages (3 notebooks) I pay $2.97 and have more writing room since the pages are 8x11 instead of 5x7. Then on a page I write collumns for date, time and what (panic attack, time loss, and so on) and situation which is the activity I was doing when I had the panic attack or whatever. It looked like this:

friday 12/2/05 11:45 am

First thing remembered - sitting at the library
last thing remembered riding the bus
approximate amount of time loss - 1hr

Over time and paying close attention I was able to add more details, using the same situation so that the process is easy to understand:

Friday 12/2/05 11:45 Lost time Riding the bus

First thing noticed -sitting at the library
Last thing remembered - (adding as many details as possible) Riding the bus, I got on the bus at the local store anr rode it to the downtown station. The bus route was this street and that street. The bus was crowded. The driver had a problem with a drunk guy.
approximate time loss - 1 hr

So now we know the time loss happened between getting on the bus and being at the library so the trigger is somwhere between the two, this person doesn't remember getting off the bus so the trigger is something that happened on the bus or on the streets the bus traveled on. Riding the bus again at a different time frame when there isn't so many people and the problem doesnt happen so the crowdedness isn't the trigger or the street routes so the trigger must be the drunk guy. now riding the bus again during the peak hours when a drunk is most likely going to get on the bus will prove that is infact the trigger.

now to desensitize the person from being triggered every time they encounter the trigger (drunk guy) they need to know why encountering the trigger sends them into being scared, panicy and so on. normally to do this the person would work in therapy around the idea of drinking, and drunks in their lives in the past. the memory of that drunk or drinking situation is why the person is now triggered by drunk men. Since the scenerio angle you are asking about includes NOT finding the memory means we can't take care of the original situation which will take care of the trigger. so the only option is exposure to the trigger in small doses until you are no longer triggered. The problem with this is exposure leads the person to lose time. which is why this process is hard to do. I attempted recently to take care of my being triggered around spiders. I had a friends children with me and we went to the local petting zoo and wouldn't you know it they had a spider in the petting area for the kids to hold. Im a role model type person. When my son was afraid of worms I took him out and we played with worms. Not my favorite activity but we live in an area that rains rarely snows in winter so we get ALOT of worms coming up out of the ground onto the sidewalks and roads. my son kept going into panics because in order to walk to the store (I don't drive) we have no choice but step on worms sometimes. so I sat down in the soaking rain and started playing with worms and soon my son was following suit. so anyway here we are at the petting zoo and they asked one of my friends children if he wanted to hold the spider the child went behind my back and I could feel him shaking.. he has never seen a spider let alone close up. the handler said "mom will hold it won't you mom" I didn't bother correcting the guy I took a deep breath and thought ok here goes nothing and held out my hand and whispered to him to make it fast. I felt the child calm right down as I faded out of sight of that thing. I still have no memory of holding the thing but the children were so excited about the fact that I did it and the next time they go to the zoo they want to see the spider again. I told then to tell their mother to quit killing spiders and then they will have all the spiders they want right at home. I have no idea why I am so afraid of spiders. but for me the only way I can desensitize myself is knowing what it behind why I have those fears and am getting triggered into other memory pieces.

I wish you lots of luck in trying this. personally there is no way I am going to hold a spider again. I tried it once and it didn't work. YUCK! lol.

And yes my then teacher now friend is a fantastic person. Thanks.

[kimmydawn]

This is such an informative, sharing thread. I've realized, like myself, that I had to not only recognize the trigger but find out why it became a trigger for it to not bother me as much. There are some that I know everything about, though, that still zap me...bad.

Finding out the "why's" and literally dissecting the situation was/is key to my awareness and understanding and, therefore, key to my unwanted/unproductive dissociation. Along with that, I had to cut all of me the break in understanding that "crap, that WAS bad!" The understanding was the final element for me to give compassion to these parts of me that are so injured. It lessens the pain and affect of the trigger greatly for me.

I'm now beginning to actually enjoy these parts of myself that have a hard time "being here". When I can actually sit in a VERY safe environment and share that time, it's more healing that anything I've done thus far. I just had three days of almost a continual sharing. My environment had to be mega safe, but the result is OH SO WONDERFUL. I feel as though I've come back from a resort where there was nothing but relaxation. I have so many more emotional resources than I did going into these three days. It's so amazing...the contrast...me four days ago and me today. there are downfalls...lol. Triggers can happen at any time, no matter how safe I think it is, I have to give what's needed, I can't do things well that I normally do (i.e. dinner, bills). However, I feel so much more complete. I feel softer and almost smarter. It's so hard to put into words.

I love being able to put down developments along this road...sharing this is so cool. Have people to connect to on the wild journey is the best!

Love,

KD

[wanttoheal]

I was afraid of that. Desensitizing would most likely be a futile thing but it seems safest right now. It's really hard to think that there may be a reason for having triggers in the first place. I know you guys are further in your healing. You have been there, done that. I know I need to just give it up and do what needs to be done. I don't know why I stay in such denial and refusal. I suppose it is fear of the unknown, fear of pain, fear of fear.

I do journal now, but I tend to erase things that are written there that make me uncomfortable. I know that it's probably not a good thing to do. But, I do keep in there what I can.

I think the charting is a very good idea. I would like to do that at some point. I will talk to my T about that. I know that her goal at the moment is helping me stabilize and keep safe, through my own events and the events of others in my life. At times it is very hard because I need to be here, not gone, due to events happening in the here and now, but the here and now events are triggering me so I am gone. Seems like a no-win situation at the moment.

KD, I think it's so awesome that you are able to do that. I wish I was at that point where I was thankful to be who I am.

Thank you both so much. Please keep sharing.

I still sometimes journal then throw the entry away or tear it up first. I used to think that was strange and knew I shouldn't but couldnt keep what I wrote. I later found out that this is actually a therapy technique. (knock me over with a feather! lol) The therapy activity concept is to "release" the experience out of your head into tangible form then distroy it which allows the person to leave their troubles behind in a sense. I wouldn't be surprised to find out your erasing was in fact a therapy. so if it makes you feel better go for it. .

[wanttoheal]

Cool, thanks! I don't feel so bad about it then.

The triggers that I know about and know why still trigger me. I get that oh sh** feeling but once that initial shock hits theres the relax its just this because that and I start calming back down. Sometimes it takes a bit of time for this to kick in but it always does with the triggers I know about and have worked on. Where as the ones I have no idea what is behind them or even sometimes what the trigger was those coping skills don't kick in. Its kind of like my head is somehow saying F that I'm gone.

Yea taking care of the voices/memory pieces instead of running on triggered autopilot of memories is definately hard to descibe. Its like I hate to listen but yet I can't help but listen. and because I listen I know what needs to be done. in a way I am smarter because when I didn't listen past the static I didn't know what was hidden so I couldn't do those things while being aware. My friends think its funny that I could go to bed with a hamper full of dirty clothes and wake up the next morning and the laundry would be done. but the fact was I had left them in the hamper because I had no idea how to wash them. Now that I am aware and listening for Mary's voice (the memory of me at age 16) I can hear the runnung comentary of do this this and this and this bla bla bla. I know that how to do the laundry has been there in my brain so tecknically Im not smarter but yet being able to do the wash while aware is new to me so to me it seems like I am smarter. I also know that since I began listening and doing things, things seem to run alot smoother. Though there are times when I wish I didn't have this memory access because now I can't leave the laundry up to "Mary". Mary doesn't get triggered out as often in fact the only time I am triggered into the mary memories is during official type meetings. I haven't figured out why yet. so far that trigger and memory content alludes me. Course I haven't really looked for it either. LOL

Yea I think this is so cool too. I was feeling so alone in this and now Im not. In all my research theres alot about the process but nothing and no one to prepare me for the feelings that go along with going through it. Kind of like Laura Davis has been around for years giving survivors of sexual abuse a guide to the process of healing for that and also letting and showing survivors they aren't alone in what they are feeling during the process. There are lots of others now out there like her. But I have only found three survivors who have reached this level on DID healing and up until now I didn't think to email them about this level because I hadn't reached it yet. Now I see Im not alone. this is definately cool. (not that your going through it is cool but yet...LOL so cool.)

[wanttoheal]

Oh wow myself, that just sparked some awareness there! So, prior, you did not know how to do some things? You, the main part I mean. I feel stupid SO often. It seems like the simplest things. I struggle with my bills. And then I find my bills were paid ... although for some reason, some bills get paid double and some bills get skipped and I have no clue what that's about! I am the world's worst organizer. I try and try but end up getting so frustrated because I literally have no clue where to start. But I have come back to find things done, cleaned and organized better than I could have done, even though it was me who did it. Does that even make sense? So, as I learn memories, triggers, etc, I will have that knowledge that is there in how to do things? It's really worth the trade?

How can I know how to do something if my learning how to do that is locked as a memory in the unconscious level of thinking which is what DID is - memories that have been stored separate in the unconcious level? LOL no I don't expect an answer and no Im not being sarcastic just posting from the top of my head so to speak.. now take that question and put it into the form of a memory.

A person with DID in school as a teen ager for example. Something happens at school that triggers the person. a trigger is anything that scares or upsets a person. The person is triggered right before going into art class. (this situation is hypothetical but the process that happens is real. I know fron finding drawings that I have a memory piece that draws so I am doing a hypothetical situation here to explain the process) So the person has been triggered ( lets make up a trigger - the person was told they have to draw in front of the class) because this scares and upsets the person they mentally start thinking of their mental safe place. Physically the body is rerunning a the memory content that is related to that trigger - a time when the person had to do something in front of the class. Because the body is on automatic rerun of the memory all the appropiate actions are carried out based on that memory that has already been stored. Mentally the person is in their mental safe place. what they are experiencing mentally is what their safe place is. for example my safe place la la land is a place of music and clouds a tree and fresh cut grass. This person has no idea what is going on in the classroom because they are mentally thinking about la la land. because the person is mentally in la la land what is happening in the classroom is stored separately as a part of the memory that is being automatically rerun and stored with that memory in the unconscious level. The class ends and the person at some point finally feels calm and safe and stops thinking about la la land and is mentally back to paying attention to the physical world around her again. later on someone asks her to draw something but because she wasn't paying attention in class to the point that she does not have any memory of being in the class that day she cannot draw the material that happened in that class that day. She has no memory of it happening so she cannot do something she cannot remember learning how to do.

It would be like you being asked to speak a foreign language that you had no memory of learning, like someone suddenly saying to you

j' temme le chat et vous?

and you are expected to answer that question. and yes to any french speaking people I spelled the word like wrong its been a good 30 years since my taking french class, Im a terrible speller in english let alone french.

the question I asked you if you don't know french - in this sense chat has nothing to do with talking to someone - I asked -

I like the cat and you?

and chat in this sense is pronounced as shat.

I did things I have no memory of doing and got yelled at for it but since I had no memory of doing things to me I got yelled at for nothing and I learned how to do things that I have no memory of learning how to do. So now as an adult I basically have to relearn how to do those things and a big part of doing that is finding the memories and the triggers so that I know how to do those things and can do them without being triggered.

yes it is definately worth it. I am relearning how to draw, and am having fun doing so and an added bonus there is a local gallery that takes survivors art and one original survivors art piece in this gallery sells for close to $100.00. I have been told my artwork is up to the galleries requirements and so on. And this is when I don't know how I do it. imagine what could happen if I was fully aware and can explain the situations behind the drawings and actively display and sell them at this gallery.

regaining memory recall? Definately worth aiming for and working towards. <font color="#AAAAAA"> </font>

[wanttoheal]

What you are saying does make sense. I didn't take it sarcastically. I guess it's just something I didn't realize. Perhaps I should not think of myself as stupid, at least for things that I do when I don't know it but seem to do it when I am gone. That may be easier said than done.

With it being a memory piece and playing out a memory, how do those memory pieces seem to do what is needed today, so many years later? For example, the action of the washing might have been something that piece learned then, but today's washing machines may be more hi-tech. Would they just learn to figure it out based on what they know about washing machines from when they learned it? And what about the other variables that come into play into the today situation that did not happen at that time. Does that memory piece know how to handle new situations that come up?

Interesting about the foreign languages. I apparently was fluent in a couple. I have knowledge that I did it but no memory of learning it. I can maybe say one or two phrases in those languages. Can the memory piece that holds that still speak fluently? When/if that memory is figured out, or the trigger, or whatever it takes, will I then be able to speak those languages fluently or would I need to relearn those languages? It is rather embarrassing when someone who knows I supposedly know them asks me to say this or that and I stand there feeling very stupid, making up all sorts of excuses as to why I cannot speak a language that I spoke in the not so distant past.

I understand about being yelled at for things I did and have no memory of. It still happens now, as an adult. And it is still the most uncomfortable feeling. I want to say no, it wasn't me, but now I know, perhaps it was. Maybe I did do that, I'm so sorry. I have learned to tap dance well in that area.

Kudos for learning how to draw. Do you have problems with not having pictures in your mind to draw? I like to draw (I'm not good at it, but I enjoy it) but I can only draw reality. I have to see what I am drawing while I am drawing it. I am not able to make up things on paper from my head. It is almost as if everything inside there is totally blocked. But I have found pictures done that look more like drawn from "memory" I guess. Does that make sense and is that common?

This is a great thread. Thanks for starting it!

yes once you know the memory content of learning how to speck those other languages you will be able to do so at the level of the memory content. you remember how to do it so you can do it.

Drawing - well I have thoughts and images just like a normal person does and I also have flashbacks so I have plenty of material to draw - if I know how to draw. Right now the trick is noting I am thinking and seeing is being drawn so that the pictures on the drawing pads are not even a close representative of what I am thinking and seeing basically because I don't have the memories of the mechanics of drawing like shading, perscective, sizing and so on. basically right now I know that my memory piece Mary draws so I am trying to in a sense copy what pictures I find laying around with her name on it. I have listened to the voices in my head closely now for 4-5 years so I can distinguish which voice is the memory of my voice at that age so Ican now ask a question and wit for the answer for example shading is what I have been working on. Art books from the library say start simple when learning to draw - draw shapes and shade them. I like how while in the memory piece of "mary" I shade things so I asked ok mary how do you shade squares and other shapes. then I wait and listen for that voice and an answer that has ANYTHING to do with drawing. It was almost instant when I heard -sunshines light where sun hits and datrk where shadows are. So then I know ok think about the sun shining on the shape I am drawing. color in darker wher the shadow is and lighter where the sun shines on it. I can now shade shapes. while being completely aware. How did "mary" tell me that? well she is not a person. she is a memory. Just like a computer a person types in a question and the results that come up is what has been programmed into the computer through stored information. the computer does this by matching words. My brain works the same way. the words of my question was matched until the memory of the information came up. kind of like a normal person is asked whats 1 + 1? The brain automatically finds the answer in the persons memory so that the person can say 2.

As for what people can do while in memory pieces. people can only do what is in that memory content. Like my memory piece Tiny. When I have been triggered into that memory piece I cry and suck my thumb. Thats all I can do so most likely thats all that memory contains something happened where the result was I cried and sucked my thumb. I can't be made or do anything in that memory that isn't stored in that memory for example as Tiny I cannot use a cell phone. Why? because one when I was that age there was no such thing as cell phones so I couldnt have been made to use a cell phone during an abuse situation at that age in order for the activity to be stored as a memory. When in a memory piece that memory ONLY is acted out. nothing more and nothing less. If the person is being asked to do something that is not in that memory piece, like a computer the brain matches and switches the person into the memory that contains that information. This is called rapid switching, revolving door effect something is triggering the person to keep switching from one memory piece to another. I can start out in a therapy session fully aware and then lose time and then become aware and my therapist will tell me what went on when I wasnt aware. and in some cases she has varified that she has talked with me on more than one topic and more than one memory state.Because I am a rapid switcher and I have so many different memory pieces she has trouble telling the difference between my memory pieces unless I am in one that is so noticably and drastically different in facial expression, tone of voice, attitude, mannerisms and so on. An angry memory piece cannot be made to laugh and so on, a happy memory piece cannot be made angry and so on. The behavior, mannerisns, language, words, posture, tone of voice and so on are only what is contained in that piece of memory. Theres no way to change or alter the already stored memories. memories are stored as they are experienced during the original experiencing of the original situation. In some cases where the memory content is violent such as I threw a table at my therapist. I don't know the process behind what she did to change this. Just that she was told by contacting professionals in the field how to add the information that I was not to throw anything during sessions. I do know that part of the process was that she had to talk to me whle I was in that agnry memory piece so basically to start with she had to intentionally trigger me and get me angry. which I consider very brave of her to do considering the session before I had thrown a table at her while in the memory piece she had to intentionally trigger. I also know that that was not the only memory piece she had to do this process with. Basically for hers and my safety every known memory piece had to go through the process. But I don't know what that process is just that in order for all parts to contain the shared information I had to experience the working out of the situation while in those memory pieces. its confusing trying to put it into words. basically in order for a memory piece to have new information added they have to experience that new information. in order to do that the therapist has to use the triggers for that memory piece. Margo was the one that threw the table but to make sure it never happened again all memory pieces had to contain the information about the situation and coping tools being put in place to prevent it from happening again so in order for say the memory piece Myself to "share" the information that is contained in the memory piece Margo I had to be triggered into not only the memory piece Margo and have the new coping tools be taught to me while in that memory piece, my therapist had to also trigger me into the memory piece "Myself" and teach me while in that memory piece the new coping tools and why this was needed. I guess the reality of true DID is that "sharing" between each memory pieces doesn't just happen. theres a process behind adding new material. But what that is the professionals don't disclose to the clients because memory content is part of how they can tell the fakers from the true DID's. If all the clients knew how to add say a cell phone use to the already stored memories that could cause alot of mixed up false memory fake for attention type problems. So the treatment plans don't normally include adding new material but focus on taking care of the old memory content and triggers so that the person learns to live in reality instead of hiding in mental safe places, and these exhisting mental safe places are no longer used as escapes for safety but for the normal relaxation type activities. I know sharing between the person and the memory pieces just happens by matching and the person listening to the voices, writing, journalling. the other no idea how my therapist did it or what she was told as to how to do that.

As for the washing machines - I learned how to do the laundry by hand from memory and then friends showed me how to run the updated machines myself. so now I can do laundry both ways. I live in an appartment and the laundry room machine cost is rediculas so I prefer to wash my clothes by hand.

[wanttoheal]

Okay, I've decided. I only want to learn the triggers and memories that would allow me to know those languages and cool stuff. Just kidding.

This is very overwhelming to be honest. Here I am, not even wanting these memory pieces to exist and am finding out that in order to be able to access pretty much anything in my life, I have to know them and the memories that go along with them. At this moment in my life, what I really want to do is crawl under my covers and come out after it's over. I'm just not sure I am strong enough or capable enough to deal with all this.

It does explain a lot though, like when I have been told that I sit and stare with a look of fear but cannot talk, or the same thumb sucking stuff while sitting in a corner, again not talking. I wonder how you would ever get the knowledge there that would make it so that doesn't happen. Even though I am not aware of it, finding out that I did it is kind of embarrassing when I imagine me as a grown woman doing those things, especially when other people are around.

Can a memory piece be created to smile, laugh and generally be happy like nothing has happened and if so, how would that happen if a piece is only created through triggers? Also, what about the so called protector memory piece? If I seem to be in danger, apparently this part appears or is triggered, whatever, and deals directly with the person who threatened me (real threat or not). Now, this person was not part of the original event that made the trigger in the first place. Am I seeing the originator of the event or am I seeing the person who threatened me right then? Also, in the event of children, your own, my own, etc, ones that are in our lives now. How do these pieces react to these current day people?

Sorry for all the questions. I have been too afraid to read much on this. I guess so that I won't catch it, LOL.

That part cannot learn how to do a washing machine if they were out and someone showed them? If Margo was able to be taught new coping skills so that she did not throw things, is it possible for other memory parts to be taught or to learn new things?

Thanks myself for being so open about this. I am learning lots. I may not have liked everything I learned but thankfully I can go back and reread this later down the road when the time is right for those parts.

[wanttoheal]

Ohh, you added stuff and I think answered some of my questions. Thanks

LOL you are funny. and make me laugh not directly at you but over the fact that you say you want nothing to do with this but you are asking questions that only a person who has accepted they have this and their parts. People who have not accepted the diagnosis and their parts don't want to hear anything about this and the parts. basically they are in denial. and by the way you can get these same answers from your therapist just by saying ok I got this so what do I do now and what is it? Thats what makes this so funny. But good funny. I am glad my 5 years of working on this and research and all the professional advice and information I recieved is helping others.I'm still working on it and learning so Im not going to have all the answers kind of like no one will tell me how to add info to the memories. that woiuld be so cool just to be able to addtodays info to it. Then I wouldn't have to find out what the memory content was or triggers we could just ok we're done getting upset and so on and poof magic wand time. LOL but no the professional world doesn't want MORE separated memories LOL Course that would mean people would see them longer and pay them more but no one I have said that to has seen the advantage of that ah well....

Yes I added some. I free write first. then take a break and come back to my posts editing spelling if possible and if I notice half sentences or I left something out I add it in then. I just noticed I clicked reply on the wrong post.. now I have to make another post so I can answer some more of your great questions..

[wanttoheal]

Thank you myself. Yes, you are right, I need to be asking my T these questions for sure. I appreciate the answers you have shared. I'll make sure to bring these up with T. Thanks again.

Yea I said that once too only I wasnt kidding.LOL I wanted the good stuff and not anything to do with the creapy stuff. unforunately they go hand in hand. Good comes with evil and eveil comes with good otherwise a person would not know when their life was good or bad.

Yea it is overwhelming that is why most people are supposed to get their answers from their therapists so they are not getting the info too fast to process.

Yes for every feeling and emotion and so on the brain records and stores that information by way of the five senses - hearing, touch, smell, taste, and sight.

So if a person is doing something they like and suddenly there is an abuse situation EVERYTHING experienced at that moment is stored in the unconscious level if the person has dissociated (went into their mental safe place to escape. The happy parts of the situation gets stored as well as the upsetting parts of the situation and those happy memory pieces also can only act, say do and so on what that memory content is. for example my past therapist (the one I am using for all these posts in this thread) says I have some very happy, playful parts. One plays guessing games so must be at some point I had been playing guessing games right before an abuse situation. I have another part that giggles and asks the same question over and over again - "you like this don't you". I have searched my drawings, poems and so on for what does that mean, it obviously meant something when that memory piece was separates from the bad side of the situation. So you see finding out what the happy ones are about is juist as complicated as finding out the memory content of the other situation. You just keep getting bits and pieces of memories until finally the memory contents connect and form a whole memory of a whole situation.

The labels protectors and so on were put on by the professional word to discribe the strngth or "jobs and content" of the memories.

Basically protectors are (at least from what I can figure out based on my margo memory) more an attitude then anything. "Margo" used to protect me by throwing things and breaking things. My therapist and I think that part of margo memory content may be that during a situation I had to get away by throwing things at my abuser. the situation matched the margo memories so the throwing things to get away got stuck in with those memories. So apparently any time I feel like someone is ganging up on me or treating me unfairly I react by going into my mental safe place and because Im feeling ganged up on, backed into a corner that matches somehow with the margo memory content so my body reruns the memory of going on the defensive and fight back..

Memories are triggered. I have a couple meory pieces that used to play on playground equipment with my son, "mary" cleans and artwork so when the house needed cleaning and his clothes needed washing it got done. They interacted with him according to what the memory content was, just like when I am triggered into memory pieces with my therapist or friends or here alone.

My therapist had spent some time alone with my son to feel him out about how much he understood about me. he told her I was a cool mom and Im not like his friends moms. His friends moms didnt go though the mcdonalds playland equipment and he knows I have a bad memory so I have to write things down because I forget alot.. But he has not yet figured out that I have many parts that have been helping me take care of him.

Yes Margo could learn how to run a washing machine but the professionals dont ADD more to the memorys. Treatment plans for DID is to bring the person back into living in reality not give them more reasons and ways that will enable them to stay in their memtally safe dream worlds.

Thats why you don't find me playing the games of the cave, den and so on. If I did that it would basically be promoting living in my la la land whenever I have a problem instead of activvely using the coping skills that I have learned and am learning in therapy. by playing those kinds of games I am basically ruining 5 years of therapy work because therapy is supposed to be about facing problems and working them out, not running from them and hiding. I do read those posts but I don't take an active part in them. I have worked too long and hard to be set back by hiding from my problems. If something here upsets me I sit down and figure out what it is that upset me and then protect myself by not reading the posts about that content that upset me. Just like in the real word if reading a type of book upsets me I don't read more with that content, the same for movies and so on. Basically I live the same rules on line that I have in real life. running and hiding is not one of them. I made this choice for me because if I am to heal from DID that is what I need to do.

As for being embarrassed about what happens while I am in a memory piece. sometimes but that only lasts until I have found out the content and trigger of that meory piece.

[wanttoheal]

Thank you myself. Your answers have really helped. I appreciate the time you took to help me as well. I will write more later. Thanks again.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Myself I am glad you are doing so well with healing and all...I do think? you still have other sides or alters some call littles or have you integrated all of this? If so that is progress however it could be if you haven't that maybe you are afraid or embarrassed of that side of yourself?
I think from what I have read on this that the littles serve a purpose and that is a form of survival...everyone is in a different place...I am sure you didn't mean to but it seemed to me reading that about the littles and all that you are disowning a part of yourself in fear or shame or something..Anyhow good luck it sounds like you are trying way hard in therapy....I hope you still embrace the child within yourself too...maybe you read that area because parts of you miss and need that too?

no I am not embarrased, and I dont fear them. if I did I would still be in denial for that is exactly why I stayed out of therapy and or dropped any professional that even started asking the typical DID questions. If I was embarrassed and or feared them I would not have spent the last 4 and a half almost 5 years learning how to relax and let myself hear the voices and I wouldn't have spent the same amount of time keeping a well stocked arts and craft area so that they can draw, write and play and so on when I got triggered and they popped out. If I was still denying them in fear and embarrassment my therapist wouldnt have gone above and beyond helping me with my projects that centered around learning about them. I have fully accepted they are here and so on.

Integration is not something that happens at the end of the DID cycle. Integration is an ongoing process of finding out what memory pieces are there, what their content is, locating the triggers that cause these memory pieces to keep rerunning and then putting in place coping skills so that the triggers no longer frighten me. When the triggers no longer scare , frighten and so on the person no longer runs for their mental safe place and the memory pieces no longer go on automatic rerun based on the trigger. So yea I have integrated some of my memory pieces for example I know the situation and memory content that is known as "Darlene" and "Louise". I know what the triggers are for these two memory pieces that caused me to escape into my mental safe place and I have put in place breatihing and relaxation techniques to use. when I happen to encounter those triggers I no longer run to my la laland, I remind myself that situation happened 25 years ago, it is not happening now in 2005 then I look around and find things that are different from back then, then I take a deep breath and check in with my body making sure I can feel my feet, legs and so on up to my head. If I feel the least bit numb I get up and walk around my appartment and then take some body lotion and putting that on my feet, legs and arms. each time I notice I am the least bit numb I walk around again and I just keep checking in with myself making sure to connect back with all five of my senses. Since I am keeping mentally connected my brain as no reason to rerun memories to keep my body functioning. So yea I have integrated memories. and yea there are more memories to be found, in fact the most important on that singnifies a person ahs fully healed from this disorder is locating that core memory (first abuse memory that caused the person to want to escape into their mental safe place to begin with. in order for that one to be available to be worked on all other memory pieces have to be remembered and the triggers found. So that the person will never be triggered into that memoy piece again. Basically thats the end of the person being known as Dissociative Identity disordered and with the learned coping tools firmly in place the person most likely will never dissociate to the point of having separated memories stored in the unconscious level again.

Disowning means denying they are there, denying they are apart of me, denying they are MY memories of what I went through as a child and young adult.

Not disowning them is accepting the memory pieces are there and those memory pieces are MY memories. They are not flesh and blood people. They are in MY head as memories that have been stored separately. There is no getting rid of them and no killing them and no forcing them away. They are me. They aren't objects or people and I have accepted them so no I am not disowning them.

I don't do all this work out of fear and embarrassment. You want embarrassment have my body - 5 feet with no shoes, 150 pounds uneven lengthed legs a size 6 undies butt witha size 14 jeans stomach and look in the mirror naked. Thats what embarrasses me. So much so that sometimes when I want to relax in a bubblebath witha book I wear a bathing suit so I don't have to look at my body.

I used to fear being DID but I havent for almost 5 years now. I don't work on my DID out of fear and embarrassment . I do so because thats what needs to be done for me to take care of myself. If I have a broken bone I go to a doctor and follow my doctors treatment plan so that it will heal and I will be at my best - physically healthy. I have DID so I see a therapist and follow a treatment plan so that I will be at my best - mentally healthy. That is what needs to be done so that I am a whole person experiencing all the feelings I am supposed to be able to feel, Do all the things that I am supposed to be able to do. I am also doing this so that when it is time for my son to come home I will be at my best. being triggered into memory pieces is not being mentally healthy thats why its called a disorder - because this is not supposed to be happening. I can't change the fact that I was abused and my mind shattered into pieces because of it but I can act like a resposible adult and do what I need to do to be both physically and mentally healthy for me, for my son for those Friends that care about me.

as for the hiding gaming thread. I don't NEED to read those theads because I am denying myself anything. I read those posts one because I think they are funny. It amazes me the steps a person will go to in order to not deal with a trigger. it takes more energy to come up with all these scenerios then it does to admit one some post have triggered me and to take care of it I wont read posts by that person. When I wasn't taking care of myself I had all kinds of ways and mental scerios to hide from the triggers and admit to myself the solution is this one thing. so instead of taking care of one thing I created lots of things to block, cover and hide.I use reading these type threads to remind myself how complicated running and hiding was versus my taking care of the triggers by doing so it reminds me how far I have come.

I am embracing my children within but I am doing it through reality and remaining aware. I don't have to make up scenios in my head to slide down a slide, swing on a swing, ride a merry go round, play ball, blow bubbles, play in mud puddles, play with playdough, legos, crayons, markers, eat candy, make a whistle out of a straw, curl up with a blanket and my doll named Michaela Crystine, finger paint, watch cartoons, read cat and the hat, green eggs and ham, the bobsey twins and nancy drews and the hardy boys, a romance, horror, science fiction, nonfiction, play instruments, listen and sing along with peter alsops movies and tapes, eat pizza and bannana splits hot fudge sundays, feed the ducks, go to the petting zoo, draw write create tents out of blankets in the living roomdecorating my rooms the way I want so that I feel cared about and warm....I dont have to do these things in my imagination because I do these things while remaining aware.

As for progress I don't measure progress as in being integrated. To me progress is feeling good about my self and my life in ways I didn't before. To me progress is my being able to get out of bed in the morning even though I have cerebral Palsy and have been up all night with muscle spasms when at one point in the past that would have kept me in bed for days just because I didn't want to try and get up. progress is the fact that I use the coping skills I have been taught in therapy and my classes so well that I no longer need to be on medication for depression. I see my primary physician every 6 months and he also has a release on file so he can talk with my therapist about it too. and for the past almost two years I have been stable without antidepressants when I had been on them for three years straight before this. Progress is recognizing my suicidal thought and NOT acting on them when in the past I attempted every time. Progress is the fact that I have not cut since March 18th thats going on 9 months when before I was working on fighting this I was cutting 3 and 4 times a day. Progress is not doing ANY self injury behaviour now for almost 2 months when before I couldnt last a week. To me progress is being able to ride the city bus more than a block without having a panic attack, Progress isn't just the big accomplishments. progress is anything that is better on one day that wasnt the day before be it so simple as I didn't burn the toast today ormajor like I located a memory. I have progressed according to my standards and my therapist standards, my family doctors standards. and so on. because we all believe in the concept of celebrate your accomplishments no matter how small. life is too short to be in constant worry about making giant steps when you got to make the little steps to get to and accomplish the big steps.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Hi ya Myself....I have a hard time reading any long post..it's ME not YOU I just cannot seem to keep my mind focused on long ones......but from what I did read you do feel you have somewhat integrated which to all I have read is the goal because it thus allows one to be able to take a bus and so on without issues of panic and so on...I have panic attacks too and hate them but manage them OK to well nowdays....I was just throwing out some thoughts and ideas to ponder....not saying they were or were not truths...I think its a jouney and many are in different places ...That is neither a wrong or right or even avoiding triggers..its just maybe where someone is..I hope that makes sense...