Physical pain from inaction when there feels to be a need for immediate action

I want to stop going into these headspaces where I cannot hear or see anything but rejection, anger, cruelty, walking away etc. I don't even know what is and isn't real so how on earth can I figure out what action to take? Usually I end up hurting myself or attacking the other person or...well at least spinning and acting 'irrationally' in a normally wouldn't. But to sit with this, which is what I am doing now, is impossible because I'm so angry and upset and it feels as though if I don't do something now then I'm back to where I used to be, silent, numb, redundant. At least when I'm fighting out at myself or being irrational outwards I'm communicating. I need to communicate, it's like ever since the depression got lifted a few years ago all this stuff erupts all the time and really stops my life.

It stops my life because I'm consumed by it, even if I don't act on it. I can't and often won't do something to get in another headspace because they (bits of me) get angry because that's what always happened "go away and shut up" and it's like they've been given a voice and they won't stop using it which is fine becsuse we can't go back to the silence, I know that even, but it is like I'm seeing through muddy water. It makes it hard to go on with my life when all I want to do is reconnect with someone I feel I've been disconnected from. But I cant keep forcing myself on people in order to clear the water but I can't sit in this muddy water either because everything becomes emphasised like zooming atoms all around me (bad metaphors there, muddy and unclear and yet too clear and loud - but that's how it feels). But I cant tell them (bits of me) to go away because it makes the pain worse because that's what we've always done and that's effectively what we feel the other person has done to us. But then I want them (bits of me) to go, or at least to be back to that other headspace where things were level and there was space and it felt a lot better.

I genuinely hope someone can understand this. I don't see myself as dissociated but I am definitely fragmented because I can't see clearly sometimes. It's harder now as I know I'm not seeing clearly, at least before it was the truth although then it hurt because it felt the world was bad. Now I know it feels very bad but it may not be the truth although it feels like reality.

I really want help with this. I don't think therapy helps me to manage this, we just upset them all by opening up the doors and I manage by keeping them shut as much as possible. My head really really really hurts. I have a huge headache, and I feel ill and I feel consumed, and frantic and anxious and stressed....and I feel I want to sit with all this and not reach out. I'm so tired of being the one that reaches out to try and fix it all, but this hurts me staying silent because it is my past. But I shouldn't expect people to need to reach out to me immediately because they either don't care as much as I do or they can hold their feelings..or they're robots! Ha. I find it hard to imagine how someone can not react but I'm trying to do that too. Maybe they have a horrific headache too? This is so hard.

when these kinds of things happen to me the first thing I do is schedule with my treatment providers.

you see america now has many new mental disorders. some of them are catatonia category, Catatonia mental disorders have the symptom of being so in the mind that a person cant function, they cant see, move or react, kind of like physically being a statue while at the same time mentally on whats going on inside their thoughts and mind.

sometimes my medications can make me catatonic, sometimes my mental disorders are the cause and sometimes my physical health problems are the cause. treatment for me is usually an adjustment of my meds and sometimes placed on another anti psychotic medication that helps to prevent my entering a catatonic state.

that said before I was integrated I did have times where on rare occasions I would be able to hear the voices of the others inside, and on rare occasions remain partially aware of what is going on when they were in control functioning just like normal people do...(limited co consciousness) and sometimes when the alters took control I had no awareness at all, it was like one moment feeling triggered then the next moment looking around and noticing I was somewhere else or what needed to get done was done or that it was a different day, there was no memory or thoughts on what happened between the time that the triggered feelings happened and being fully aware again (my location calls this dissociative amnesia)

a suggestion on the physical symptoms due to the mental aspects...there are some great medications out there like high blood pressure, antidepressants, anti psychotics, migraine meds and so on that my location has discovered can be very helpful when a person has physical symptoms after their mental problems have been active. maybe check with your medical doctor who can prescribe these for you.

Thanks but I think you've gotten the wrong end of the stick. It was likely the way I wrote, I wasn't in a good state of mind at the time.

I didn't mean I couldn't see or hear or was stuck in any inertia. I could interact 'easily' if required. However, in these times I'm overwhelmed and not in my usual state of mind. I hear and see things that are not reality. I do not mean psychosis, just intrusions of the past perhaps. Someone can say something that reminds me on some level of something from the past and suddenly I'm reacting completely ridiculously. I can be hypervigilent or angry and aggressive. I feel people are generally being horrid and mean and nasty despite knowing they're not at all. But when I'm in that headspace it is completely true and I want to, have to, sort it out in someway just to settle the emotions somehow. I do and say things that I wouldn't generally. It goes beyond usual high emotions to something where I am unable to function properly in my life as I would do generally for a day or two. I'm consumed by what happened and nothing else filters through at all. I'm trying out not reacting but it is really hard. I get headaches, my mood is clearly low, I can't think properly, I sit doing not much of anything for hours on end. I can't function to carry on with my day, like walk around people, focus on work etc.

I don't think I'm dissociative, perhaps this is the wrong sub forum. I meant more how it feels as though something else takes over and reacts in ways that are not me at all. Then I struggle because I can't function in the same way with people as I usually would. Unless there is a real crisis then I could perform.

I just find it hard to sit in a world where I know reality has shifted and I don't know how to cope with it. I have this need to do something...anything...but I'm desperately trying not to. Sometimes I do just spend the day sitting or lying in bed ... like I'm pushed into a crippling depression. I can't believe it'll ever be okay and it makes me physically ill trying not to act because my past wants to act because it never acted but I don't because it's inappropriate but also I do because I'm sick of being quiet.

Basically I'm in a totally different headspace where I seem to forget what is real and not (not in an amnesia way)...more like the yelling you described. Sometimes there is so much yelling it's like a pressure that builds and builds and the screaming and it hurts so badly that I just want an outlet for it. It's like my head is full and consumed and yet fuzzy like I'm underwater it is hard to 'see'/think clearly. Sometimes...okay often...I believe it and that is tough when afterward I calm down and realise it wasn't but by that time I'm exhausted and lost a day. Not as in I don't remember it, just i couldn't function at all.

I just feel there are these parts to me that jump in. They're not dissociative as they're all me but they don't feel like me either as they escalate quickly and act in ways I never would even when I'm really angry and know it. It's like panic.

This got long. I lost another day to this and I'm sick of it. It's exhausting trying to balance everything continually. I can't do what I need to during the day when this happens, I go sit on my sofa and just obsess or the day goes and I don't do anything because I can't. Usually I'm productive in life.

What you are describing sounds like it fits with a dissociative type experience to me. If I am understanding you right, it sounds like when you encounter a trigger that connects with something from your past you then find yourself in a completely different emotional space that connects only to a whole lot of negative experience, emotion and memory.
Is that what you are describing? Like there is a 'normal' you who can be clear headed and functional in the world, but when something triggers you you experience yourself distinctly differently. Like you find yourself in a very dark/angry/hurting/hopeless/pain-filled place?
And from what you wrote it sounds like when you connect more to those parts of yourself they don't *want* you to get clear-headed again because that means they will be forgotten and pushed aside? But you need to get back to being clear headed so you can function?

Sound kinda like me.. dissociation is like just lack of integration of cognitive processes that are posed to be natural... You don't have to have d.i.d. to bee dissociative... We are here for each other... :Throb:

That is it exactly! You said it a thousand time better than I ever could!

It's hard because my life has gotten a lot more busy I'm the last few years. Before I would be able to compensate for the days sat doing nothing, battling some inner crap but now it is harder to balance. My life can't just be work and no personal life but trying to have friends means I need to spend a weekend being around, but then often I'll have to work to catch up. I'm wasting my life and I hate it.

But I cant seem to become clear headed easily. It's a battle trying to compromise. Often it has been easier to spend a few hours indulging in the self destruction so I can get up and go back to work, even though that doesn't really help to get me get back to me fully...but at least I can't see slightly and I'm detached but not too painful being outside of the four walls of my house. I'm sick of acting stupidly, as though there is an immediate action required to fix it all. It's all about fixing, making sure there is reconnection even if that's idiotically through continuing to be angry. I know being angry at someone doesn't make them feel conducive to help and yet that's what I do. And when I stop myself, make myself use kind words, it just means I have to take a bigger beating. The compromise I get is - don't humiliate me, take it out on me if you have to tell and say something...but then that this my day/life.

Do you have any tips or advice for me? I just want to keep a balance so I can have my life. I'm tired of not being able to do what I want in life due to these events! I'm glad you understood because maybe you can help me find a way out? I just want to re-find me. They can be there but I'd rather they didn't dictate and take over. I'm tired from trying to manage it all. It is exhausting trying to stop their actions. it is emotionally tiring but also physically, I get back headaches and have to then spend a next day in my headspace but feeling as though I've done ten boxing rounds or had a hugely emotional conversation..that's another day gone then trying to get back on track.

I will do anything to help myself. My therapist says self soothing stuff but I try to listen but I can't hear her when I'm out of it. Trying to implement self soothing just makes them hear "shut up and go away" which is what I want but they reject it fully. She doesn't understand this and it's really hard...I'm not sure the answer is always to wrap them up but obviously action isn't the way either.

Abby, just a quick response for now: I just read over this ANP and EP and saw some similarities in the descriptions with what you said above. What do you think?

And again, quickly... I think, unfortunately, the only way through it is through it. It takes time, and it is a painful, rocky road. But I reckon on the other side of it you reach a point where that constant fight for 'self' control no longer plays itself out.
But to get there, the trauma that is held by the 'others' needs to be acknowledged and embraced. Once that happens there is nothing to fight anymore.

Yes I've heard of that before. A therapist who left me with this in a report said that I could have this, also traits of BPD but also severe dissociative symptoms...which could be part of the personality issues or DDNOS but she couldn't say for sure as she'd not done the 'test' for it but based on what she saw. Honestly I've so confused by the whole thing, BPD traits which could come from a trauma, which is likely the complex trauma, which has dissociative traits which could be held within a personality diagnosis (which I don't have just traits?) but could also be another label of non-specified dissociation outside it? I gave up trying to understand it at that point, because it felt as though she was just throwing out ideas at random and there was no coherency.

I liked the ANP and EPs theory as it made sense to how I describe it to myself. But I was confused to the difference between apparently competent vs apparently normal - I was told they're related and I have it...but they're related not the same thing?! I think I am competent and normal, I don't think I'm just "apparently so" but I think of it as having either some of bits that jump in and swamp my innate abilities or simply huge deficits. It's hard to know which.

But then another therapist said...oh gosh what's it called...
Oh ego states. But I didn't know what that was either and if it meant not dissociation or not. My therapist now will talk about the bits of me, but I feel she doesn't get that I'm swamped. I wonder if my "apparent competence" means peoole just think I'm being non-compliant or rude or something. But I'm trying hard underneath to hear and act as I would generally, and often failing.

How do I embrace it and acknowledge it? I have no trauma really, nothing as a memory. They say some stuff but I'm open to it being the catalyst but I've no interest feeling about it really. I want to move on. How can I even manage better on a day to day, week to week basis? How do you keep at work, have a family and friends etc? I want all those things. Thank you!

a) Well, we still have one or two that view themselves as completely normal as well, buuuuut.... Well, I guess the main point here is that 'completely normal' people don't have 'bits that jump in and swamp your innate abilities.' Apparently that bit just ain't 'normal'!

b) I was just this evening reading about some therapists not being entirely up to par on dissociative theory and insisting on referring to dissociated states as 'ego states'.
They are not the same thing at all but unfortunately, those Ts that do it aren't aware of the difference. They just don't know what they don't know.

c) I get what you're saying. We have been there ourselves. You just want to be normal and simply not have this other stuff happen. Lawd knows our old hosty person fought that same good fight for years.
And how awful it is to want that so desperately but not be able to make it happen no matter how hard you try.
But sadly, those other ones are a part of you and they won't just give up and go away no matter how hard you fight them off / squash them down / or otherwise try to 'pray them away'. And to be honest, it would be a tragedy if that could happen... because they are you, and if you lost them you would lose an innate, worthy, deserving and rightful part of your self.

It's your own journey. Walk it with care for your self.

Ha. You have a point, I feel normal though and competent and I get so irritated by these other things that happen. I guess I don't have anything similar to DID which must be very complicated to deal with. I'm hugely high functioning except when I'm completely not. Also I do tend to get into this state as I am today where it's hard to remember how it was yesterday. That whole lying thing - when people can't believe you're fine the next day after you've dropped into a depression and crying and everything but I am fine.

Well I don't know if she thinks they're dissociative states and maybe they're not. I'm not sure of the difference myself. I know they're all me, except they're not. What is the difference? How can I know which is which? Does it matter for therapy/treatment?

c) I get what you're saying. We have been there ourselves. You just want to be normal and simply not have this other stuff happen. Lawd knows our old hosty person fought that same good fight for years.
And how awful it is to want that so desperately but not be able to make it happen no matter how hard you try.
But sadly, those other ones are a part of you and they won't just give up and go away no matter how hard you fight them off / squash them down / or otherwise try to 'pray them away'. And to be honest, it would be a tragedy if that could happen... because they are you, and if you lost them you would lose an innate, worthy, deserving and rightful part of your self.

I don't mind one or two of them. I intensely value one or two of them. But I despise the useless ones that make me useless or act stupidly and cause issues..I hate lying in bed depressed for day/days or being over stimulated by lights and sounds and generally feeling as though all my nerves in my body are excited/overstimulated. I hate not being able to do my life the way I want or frantically running to catch up to everyone during the times im okay enough. It's exhausting and i don't want this life anymore. I'll accept them if they accept what I want..it's my life after all! It's not as if I can say to ppl at work this stuff, they expect competent me.

Do you know the difference between BPD traits, C-PTSD, DDNOS? And the AN-EPs? And ego states? Are they all ways of saying the same thing? I mean ultimately... I want treatment that helps, I don't need a label, just want my life now.

And thank you so much for answering. Any advice, help to get through the days, to stop losing my days to the emotions would be great!

i have read a lot about those things [BPD traits, C-PTSD, DDNOS? And the AN-EPs? And ego states?]
my head isn't very clear and don't think that i can articulate very well currently...

it can be confusing because these things can overlap so much, i think what i have been trying to do is just focus on myself and whats happening.. trying to read about stuff and other peoples experience to hopefully grasp a bigger and better understanding of myself..

my therapist keeps mentioning Developmental trauma disorder as well...

my bpd traits are largely just the dissociation and lack of sense of self i believe... possibly fear of abandonment..
c-ptsd causing the flashbacks and nightmares and probably dissociation..
developmental trauma breaking me so that im highly susceptible...

ego states from what i can remember at this moment are like states that we can have control over..? like a 'normal' persons ability to be responsible work person and then go home and be goofy with the kids..?

dissociative states being similar as ego states but more disconnected ...? even fractured or broken completely off from the 'whole' ..?

anp are supposed to be like the fronting dissociative personalities that handle outside life..
eps like being the inner parts that try to manage the inner stuff.. sepperating the hard stuff from the anp so that they can function without the major disruption of being so dysregulated and hurt from a traumatic life..?

to me it seems to get murky, muddy, cloudy, confusing because it seems difficult to try to look inward and even difficult to look outward so its hard to make an analysis of what i feel but i know that im just really mixed up personally so what i think, feel, see or anything probably is wrong and just result of a confused guy trying too hard to understand something big

they have told me that i have a large amount of avoidant personality traits as well but i think they cant figure that stuff out in me because of my broken perosnality - gets weird when you can pretty much relate to all the disorders in some way and not fit in just a specific area

i think with therapy what matters is if it works for you... dealing with symptoms like this you really do want a trauma therapist atleast and hopefully a dissociative specialist...

i think of therapy like a class on myself... explore myself and learn about myself so that we can fix things up a bit.. little by little..

i have a lot of amnesia problems apparently though so its easy for me to look all confused and be like "something must be wrong" only to forget it a few minutes later and later on the day to have the same thought

you dont really have to have amnesia problems though, some people dont - some people do and just dont notice they do because they have amnesia for having amnesia and just arent aware they are forgetful or aware of the things they forget

i gotta stop writing now because im rambling and just wanted to say hi and to keep fighting... things seem to get worse before they get better, but when we start shaking things up then the truths start to come out a little by little...

take care and be safe

Thanks you, that's a kind message.

If you add in developmental trauma and/or attachment trauma and abandonment issues, the whole thing gets even more messy! I'm assuming developmental trauma and attachment ones are the same btw! Are abandonment issues and atachment issues the same thing?!

I was told my brain recieved a biological trauma which caused ssues in the temporal lobe making it hypersensitive (by a dr) which I assume was exacerbated by some unresolved 'trauma' stuff that my therapists put my current issues down to. I genuinely don't feel I have trauma issues...trying to figure out if I accept this 'unresolved trauma' and 'little t trauma' stuff that my therapists talk about. I can accept my brain was traumatised physically but not any external issues as I have had a fortunate and good life except from the enduring mental health issues!

It sounds like ego states and anp-ep are the same from what you described just a different theory?

So, I'm similar but not to what you experience as when I'm in some states of mind I am hugely clear on what I think and feel and I'm wonderful at articulating this....then at others I feel confused because I feel an alien takes over. It's always felt like an alien but with 5 odd years of therapy I also have this extra glimmer of light to know that might not be my reality in the now. Honestly, this is personally where the all tension comes in now. I hated before that I hurt myself etc and acted badly (ish - as I've always been restrained outwards kinda) but it also felt 'okay' because it was true and the only option etc.., whereas now, I can see I may be 'overreacting' and I really don't want to, but I have to, but I try not to because I want more from my life that this continual cycle. I feel trapped. I've always felt trapped but this is like I'm fighting to do life differently and failing.

And trust me, I understand. I've had a few (hundred) labels thrown at me in my time! I don't care anymore what it is, just if it makes sense to me! I've been told in the past that I may have aspergers which is ridiculous if you knew how I was day to day...but I guess that's how matter of fact I can be at times. I think that's why another therapist called me apparently competent! It especially bad if I don't trust the person. I present functional 'good' me till I get a sense of if they'll use stuff against me. They say that's trust issues because I try to control what's said, written, done but only as I know it'll effect my life and I want help not a doctor record that hinders! And on top of that, i tend to think linearly and deeply most of the time (which makes life both easy and awkward!).

So I don't care about labels. But I want my life! I feel I know the bits of me very well. I can identify and explain them easily but my issue is controlling them! I want them to not take the driving seat because I have stuff to do in my life and I spend all my time not being able to make commitments just in case... It isn't a life, I miss out on an awful lot. It's making me down. I'm tired already...

I really want tips to stop the overwhelm. I cannot self soothe, it isn't in my repertoire as it just makes the yelling louder. Most of the everything in me are afraid of self soothing or hate being "shut up". Either or! But my therapist love the idea of self soothing. I can self soothe but I can't do it all the time.

Please if anyone has tips, advice for how to strike a balanfe, help me. I'll do therapy for the long term but I need support short term - day by day, week by week.

I also wondered, sometimes I have issues with grounding skills - mainly because I don't want to be in my body as it doesn't make sense to me. I feel trapped by it. I will admit some grounding can help the spiral but I'm resistant to even trying it at times because it's scary. I've no idea why it's scary...especially as it can help...but I'm not sure how to tell anyone this because I just feel I'm rejecting all help.

Please please help me.

im not on my computer right now so i dont have all of my bookmarks and stuff but i have read some things like... we can have many thigns going on with us but it only becomes a disorder when it inhibits our daily functioning and what not

trauma stuff is pretty crazy... i mean i semi remember reading something about how people steer more clear of trauma related discussion and stuff because it breaks down to like a society issue with how we are and live as humans rather than biological like schizophrenia or bipolar ...?

so seem like maybe we aren't getting as much attention as we should because people dont want to admit the societal problems that we face in what is supposed to be such an advanced age of our society..?

im sure thats not exactly what it was saying but i dont have my bookmarks so cant pull it up...

somethings some people would consider trauma others wouldnt... some things that some people would consider normal maybe not so normal or healthy for developing child...

i have read that experiencing many medical procedures and things growing up as a yungster could cause similar problems because procedures can be traumatizing to a child...?

im not good at self soothing either apparently... my T has been trying to get me to work on that because i guess i tend to just dissociate heavily at the pin drop or something..
the few "soothing" things i do are not healthy either ... like drinking or smoking or even self harm...

what kind of yelling do you mean? inside getting loud? alice in wonderland stuff?

i say the same thing about labels its like this for me... i dont care so much about what it is, as much as i care about what it is; and i know that is like an oxymoron or whatever but its how i feel.. its not as important about what it is as it is important for me to understand what it is if that makes sense?
i think it is important to have an understanding of what we experience... not so much having a name tag to wear around and whatnot.. how can you take your car to a mechanic if you dont know what kind of car it is? or if you are driving a car or a motorcycle? or if you are even driving or moving anywhere to begin with!

try taking a boat to a bicycle man and he probably look at you like you wack

the entire dissociative stuff is confusing to me because the more i think about it the more i notice and the more weird stuff gets which jumbles up everything and causes me to just have like cognitive dissonance or something...

so im definitely not an expert and probably dont know very much to give advice... my understanding of 'parts' and stuff like anp and eps and egos and stuff is probably mixed up but it is something that i am trying to understand as well because i feel weird all the time - besides when im not really present - but i feel like im supposed to know, and on the surface i am fairly competant like you say... so much so that doctors look at me puzzled sometimes... lawyers think im exagerating probably... the disability people dont believe me... but its because im doing what i have to do to survive! not because im making stuff up... if i dont go to the doctor and try to explain things or talk to lawyers or try to get disability then im as good as dead... so i present myself the best i can and try to explain my self and things about myself.. which i dont understand or know myself at all!

so it gets confusing

like you i just want my life as well

im not sure how to hndle the overwhelming stuff either... very easy to be overwhelmed

i was reading something i think by van der kolk that talked about developmental trauma and how it can develop anywhere from when the child is a fetus to like 36 months? or something along those lines... so maybe thats like biological thing you mention?

i have a very very very long complicated trauma history of big and little T like they say... so im just really mixed up :/

i feel trapped too... i always thought it was part of my ptsd / c-ptsd stuff though... but i've only been back in therapy for like.. a few months.. i lost count... since may or something..? but im trying to learn as much as i can from therapy since its like the only support i can really get

sometimes we experience things in our life that we dont realize negatively affected us i think...?
i know i saw my first doctor for depression and anxiety in like 2010... i thought i was just depressed/anxious with social phobia... i didnt even know or consider that i had PTSD...
but i knew that i had been through a messed up childhood/teenage years and still was experiencing messed up stuff at 20 years old... it just didnt cross my mind that the traumatic experiences were that bad...

i thought it was normal and that i was normal enough and that i was just being a baby about stuff and whatnot.. but after researching a lot and talking to some people i've been slowly trying to accept that i have been severely traumatized... i guess it has to be a slow process or else i would literally shut down and die!
but slow is good, i like to take things slow, just sometimes i wish it could all get better NOW so that i can stop wasting life and enjoy the bit of life i have left
but if i dont do what i can do then i wont be making any progress soooo ... slow progress = better than no progress

im rambling a bit.. im just a mixed up guy looking for answers too though so i just wanted to add that

we have to advocate really good for ourselves or else we end up having mistreatments and misdiagnosis and not making progress... like the 4 years i was in the clinic from 2012 being treated for non-existant bipolar
and spending those days in the hospital because they thought they could fix it by just rapidly adjusting medications

if i was on my computer i would have more information but... without my computer its like im missing half of my brain since i cant remember anything without it

i do find that having psych central to come to helps a little... helps to remind me that i am not alone and that things can get better as long as i keep fighting for it, striving for the life i want which is simple life... = stability and happiness

sorry to ramble... they tell me that i have ADHD as well so i guess i just cant get things out without running all over the forest if you know what i mean

ps:
i also have some difficulty with these grounding exercises... not sure why... but it seems to make things worse when i try to do those things :/
we just have to try to discover some things that work for us personally because not all things that help others will help everyone else too...

she did teach me about a cold water technique that might c an help a little.. although it doesnt really change things too much for me, it atleast doesnt make it worse like some of the other ones

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...on-and-anxiety

Yes, I want to understand too so I can function better in my life. I'm starting to realist the extent to which I've been mainly firefighting through my life to date but now I want to be more intentional. Act rather than react etc.

I'm sorry you have to present yourself to lawyer and disability practitioners, that sounds exhausting! It sounds as though youve been through an ordeal so I'm glad you have a few areas in your life now which are supportive of you.

The cold water is one of the better grounding ideas, I absolutely agree. I often feel better using that when I remember to use it. I need a note pad of skills to use and for which bit of me. I'm suppose to be working that out in therapy but the process is so long especially when I get overwhelmed and it takes us another 2 sessions to get back on track with it all. And it doesn't have any structure to the sessions so I get confused. I was thinking to maybe go in and organise it, but then I don't know if that fits with it all.. especially as there is a difference between knowing and being able to accept and then do.

But I am still looking for skills/ideas to keep stability, not just those that get me back to myself. I want to not shift as rapidly if I get upset. I've had 9-5 jobs and managed to be almost full time and I think it did help but I was more fragmented then and could easily hurt myself in a lunch hour then go back smiling into work. I find that a lot harder now as there is more spillage. But I continue to assume a routine and structure helps... I'm actually unsure how to manage that though. It makes me alittle anxious too, no idea why... I like to organise, I like routine, I like things that dont change...I guess I'm worried already that this.may not work, silly really. I want some advice that will make this a bit easier, just even a little.

therapy is confusing to me as well, i dunno what my therapist thinks of me as i can go waaay off course sometimes and then be like, wait.. what was i trying to say again?
but i guess its just because im not used to talking about stuff and the last time i tried therapy i kind of panicked and quit abruptly over some reason... i dont even know why i quit... things are a bit different now albeit more confusing

im always amazed at how you guys can have a job while trying to manage with these kind of things... its difficult enough for me to try to manage a regular day to day routine without even leaving the house much less going to work everyday

im trying to establish a new routine as the old ways have pretty much fallen apart and cant be put back together... just soo much to try to juggle going on in life makes it difficult

just have to keep fighting, we know what we want so we have to go for it and not give up until its achieved
set backs happen... but setback doesnt mean failure... just means a delay/speed bump...

Having a job is easy enough, it's the interaction with people that is that hard bit! If I am just sitting in front of my computer doing my work all day and actually able to work then I am very happy. I've been told I likely dissociate through my work as I can get so engrossed I don't hear or see anyone even if they're standing right next to me or wave at me, but I think that's silly because when does being engrossed become dissociation and more unhealthy?! I find it a lot more distressing when I cannot work because I'm depressed or upset or whatever. So I guess work is my routine. However, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to work with people because I find it tiring at times, I'd love to have my own office somehow!

I absolutely hate speed bumps. I'm continually told "things take time", "don't create a timeline as you'll just fail to make it and upset yourself further"...but I want my life. If I can speed up the process so I'm more able to cope on a day to day basis that'd be amazing. I'm tired of it all. As you can tell, acceptance isn't exactly a forte of mine! You seem a lot more able to go with the flow, that's good.

I love that you "*want your life*! I want mine too! I have recently found my 'oomph' in this want to own my own life, and it impels me to do the inner work I need to do.

You can speed up the process by diving in and doing the work. Pushing it down / away/ aside reaaaaaalllly slows it down. I know you don't want to be told that. I know you want the 'quick fix'. We did too. Here's where the 'quick fix' got us - it is nearly 30 years since we first started therapy and I am *only just learning* now that the best way through is by facing the hard stuff head on.
I know. You didn't want to hear any of that (again).

(NEARLY THIRTY YEARS 0_0 !!!!!!)

Hey Abby,

I can relate a lot to what you're going through.

When one specific part gets triggered, it can send me into a full day of feeling like my head is going to explode. So much inner tension and I will just feel like I HAVE to fix the problem with this person. (specifically an ex T, who I deeply loved, ghosting me)

But then I can't fix the problem because I was ghosted... trying to get into contact again would almost certainly lead to getting hurt worse.

So there's a problem and no course of action and when that gets triggered I feel immense tension and anger inside that I have to keep shoving back down out of consciousness. The angry part inside wants an angry course of action and I have no choice but to suppress that. If I let it come out too much my body literally starts falling apart from the stress and inner conflict and I simply cannot function.

I mean I used to think it was healthy to just not avoid, to plunge into it and face the pain alone but I don't know anymore, it doesn't seem like my body will physically be able to survive that.

At the same time finding new support often doesn't help because it's not the person in question and my angry part doesn't want to talk to anyone else.

So I just wanted to say I relate.

One thing I noticed is that in the long process of trying to figure this out I may have further distanced my emotional reality and that might have made the problem worse.

I'm trying to find ways to exist more organically and not always getting lost in these complex thought structures. These are not necessarily complex coping mechanisms, but they can be interpreted in a complicated way.

Obviously this has a relationship to anger, I'm thinking, is there any way you could start to describe what the anger is about? Just a little bit at a time?

Usually anger pointed inward means there are a lack of outer boundaries. Maybe boundary setting could be a skill to work on.

Just some thoughts

Oh I really don't want to be in therapy for 30 years! It's that balance isn't it between working at processing but at a pace that allows you to have your life externally. Continually getting upset and having days unable to function isn't worthwhile, I'd rather not do therapy! Thanks for your support.

Magicalprince - thank you that relates to my issues substantially. I have tried avoiding it and carrying on, and I'm trying to give it a space but it's impossible with no course of action as it leaves me feeling helpless because there is nothing I can *do* and that just reignites the anger/hurt etc. What do you mean live more organically? I've been trying to just get by for so long, that now I want some help that makes sense. I want ways to decompress, to not feel so horrid unable to function at times. I like your ideas. I'm very good at setting external boundaries to others and saying no. But if I'm talking about something that is near a pain (often I'm unaware of this till after) then I don't have any boundaries. The person doesn't do anything objectively wrong to me, but I feel that they've lashed out or walked away from me....and I have to work so hard at remembering that isn't true and then at not acting as though that happened because that's what a bit of me wants to do and is catapulted into action due to it. I can't act as though it is real when I'm aware enough now to know this is a pattern for me and it's not. I wonder how I can get internal boundaries? Is that possible? I try to restrain myself outwardly and when I'm in the good mindspace I have great emotional intelligence and can deal with issues well. It's just then I fall dramatically and at random without any warning and I lose all my skills. It's irritating but also even if I had the skills, there is nothing to use them on. Does this make any sense? Thanks for your help. I welcome having it normalised and supported as not being entirely complex. It gives me hope there is a key I can find!

Well, I'm thinking of life like a puzzle sort of. Everything can be out of place and things won't really work correctly. But all the components are always there.

It's really about putting the pieces back in their rightful place. On one hand you can go into theorizing mode and imagine all kinds of different puzzles but at the end of the day there is one single puzzle in front of you that is yours to solve. So that's what I mean about living more organically. Not from a place of theory and ideas but from within the already existing and already known overall picture of your life.

So rather than saying, I have to solve a puzzle? What am I gonna do? How do puzzles work??

It's more like, hmmm where should I move this one piece? Or this other piece? Where would they fit best?

You kind of have to keep experimenting and seeing what works and doesn't work. For example, maybe the feeling that you need to take action is a symptom of a bad belief. Obviously that feeling is not working since you can't take action.

If you can't take action, then why do you think you need to take action?

Maybe you are taking responsibility for something that is actually someone else's responsibility.

I know that's what I've done with my T. Not wanting to accept the obvious, that she simply didn't care about me in the way I wanted her to.

So that's a misplaced puzzle piece. The desire to act is coming from the belief that she cares about me even though she has given me very clear evidence that she does not care about me, at least not in a way that reflects who I really am and what I really need.

So I can't act on that, I shouldn't feel like I want to act on that, and also, that action piece is misplaced and that is somehow holding me back from taking some other action that is the one I really should be taking. Like finding a new T, or otherwise meeting new people, or otherwise taking my own steps to solve my problems. The reason I won't do those things is a belief that I need my ex T to fill a hole in my self esteem and the only way to change that belief is by sucking it up and acting as if it isn't true. Which means, rather than sitting around wanting to take the action I can't take, turning around and deciding I am going to take some other, more accessible kind of action.

I guess that's just my situation though. Don't know if it helps but I really hope you can start finding some solutions.

That does make a lot of sense. I guess that's the place I need to get to. I need to be able to stand back enough to not only realise I don't need to take action but also realise that the other actions I can take might not make me feel better instantly but they're on a path towards doing so. I think this is hugely beneficial and what I try to do when I'm in the right mindspace but when I'm not it is a lot harder to hold everything together. I can feel something is true completely, have the ability to ever so slightly realise it may not be all true, have a battle between those two...and that's where I'm currently at. That's where the inaction comes from. I don't act how my emotional part wants to but I don't act as my competent mind does either. Both are as strong as each other in that moment. I guess I need some way to get out of that situation so that I can take a different action. Or at least one that allows me to move on with my day. You've certainly given me food for thought, thanks!