What the hell am I doing?

My romantic interest in my husband disapeared long ago. I love him as a friend, but not a husband.
For the first time in my life, I am cheating on him. I have a "friend with benefits". I met him at a job I had to take, a physically demanding, low paying, boring job that was all that was available when my unemployment ran out. We are the same age, late 50's. He is divorced. This is not a love thing, or a permanent one. It has been going on for a year now. I find I count on the two or three times a week we get together. It is not about sex, though we do have it. Sometimes several weeks will go by without anything physical happening, even though we see each other during that time. The time I spend with this FWB is a happy spot for me. I don't think about my financial problems,my personal problems, or how my life has deteriorated in the last 3 years, after losing my job. I laugh a lot. It's like I am the person I used to be, many years ago, and I like being that person again.
My spouse is kind, loving generous, thoughtful, and loves me. I feel so guilty over what I am doing, but not guilty enough to stop.
What is up with that?
Am I a bad person, or just a selfish one? I am thinking of asking for a separation, though my financial situation may make that impossible.
I really need a therapist, but I have really bad insurance, with a huge deductible, so that isn't going happen.
I hope I can find some answers here. I know I should end this, but I am not going to. I have been looking for another job, to put some space between us, but there is nothing where I live, and I don't know if that would be enough to end it. He enjoys my company. I need that happy place. How horrible a person does this make me

What are you expecting to hear? Your motives are selfish and self-serving. If you're not satisfied in your marriage, go to your husband and tell him so. Go to counseling, if you can't afford it, go to church and talk to your pastor. There are other options available to you other than an affair.

As I read your post I see you making many excuses as to why you can't stop this affair and the truth is you don't want to. You want to cake eat, and your husband is going to pay in the end, if he finds out. I have been cheated on and it is devastating. I hope the happiness that you are experiencing now is worth it.

quite frankly, we have grown in different directions. i don't expect to find sympathy, or even understanding, just some advice. no, i don't want to end it, it will end of its own accord. i don't go to church, and wouldn't seek advice from a religious source anyway. mainly, i am trying to understand how i came to be in the place i find myself. i have always always been a faithful person, and finding myself in this situation is hard for me to understand.
is it an escape from financial stress? is it just that i have grown away from him and it would have happend anyway? what caused me to change and take this route?
i spend a lot of time trying to deal with the guilt i feel. so, don't judge me, just try to help me understand why i have decided that walking around with a scarlet letter seems to be what makes me happy right now. it is totally out of character.

Me too on the being cheated on part...I thought I had a wonderful marriage and that my husband loved and adored me as I thought I loved and adored him. I did love the person I thought he was, but I found out my entire marriage was a sham and he had been cheating on me during most of the marriage..with multiple partners.

It almost destroyed me. I still can't sleep, can't eat....one good thing is I lost 88 pounds on the divorce diet! I look good, he looks awful and he's been perfectly awful all during the discovery, the reconciliation atempts and a collaborative divorce we were in for seven months.

He would not collaborate and withheld records, broke restraining orders and agreements we made. Just yesterday I withdrew from that process and today I hired a new attorney and will pursue court action.

His actions shook me to my very core and I will never again have another relationship because if I didn't know him after being married to him for 17 years (and I knew him from work for 15 years before I married him) then I can never really ever know anyone.

My faith is gone in so many ways and I have lost my self-trust, my home, my security, my future and so many things. I don't think I can ever get over this. I have been seeing a counselor for a year. She diagnosed me with adjustment disorder.........I'll say. I'm trying to adjust to so many things and it really doesn't seem worth it as I don't have any hope of ever really being able to trust anyone even again.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I he pretended that we had a wonderful marriage. (and I guess for him, it was..I adored him and trusted him 100%, so he was free to do whatever he wanted) He should never have married me or if he wanted to be with other women, then he should have told me and I would have divorced him then. He had agreed to be monogamous before we married. I am shattered. My self-worth was somehow tied into my marriage and I feel so terribly unhappy, but I could not stay there.

MA

oh, my husband suspects something is going on, yet i continue in this behavior. i know it is wrong, i know it is hurting him...yet i put my own selfish needs first. i have never been this way, and i don't know why i have become this person that is so foriegn to me.
there are times when i cry in the shower, for an hour or more, over the hurt and pain i am causing him. yet i persist.
i am so very confused and apalled by the person i have been for the last year, yet i don't know why i do this.
i know i need some help, i just don't know where to get it.

Marriage counseling? Personal counseling? Do you think maybe you're depressed or maybe a narcissist? I understand now that narcissism may not be a choice really, but more of a brain disfunction. We don't hate the scizophrenic or the epileptic anymore, so if narcissism is another brain dysfunction, then you can't help being selfish and self-focused. Do you want to stay married? I think if you are going to be sexually engaged with someone other than your spouse, then you should at least let them know and give them a chance to decide if they want to remain in that kind of a relationship. I know it works fine for some people, but it can be a crushing devastating experience for the spouse that has no idea at all about what is really happening.

I felt like it was disrespectful, disloyal, deceitful. dishonest and depraved and it destroyed any feelings for my lying, cheating spouse and pretty much destroyed my self worth, which is stupid but it did.

I will be better off without the liar plus I won't have to worry now anymore about getting an AIDS test every six months.

I am probably not the most sensitive person to be attempting to answer your question. I still think maybe the only way for me to ever be at peace again is to completely check out, but I can't do that because then he wins. I want to take him to the cleaners first and ruin his life like he ruined mine. Oh, and I have some plans for ruining the Other Woman's life as well if possible, even though I know if it wasn't her, it would be someone else but it WAS her, and now she has to pay for her part of it.

MA, feeling vengeful tonight and not all that mentally healthy but what better place to post than here, right???

I do think you should get some therapy. You say your husband still loves you. Well when I divorced 10 years ago from an electrical engineer, I went from a dream home and all the goodies to barely having an apt. and food to eat. Do not give up on your husband. I believe there are ways to revive it. Also ask yourself where your FWB would go if he became your FWOB? Would he stay around? Believe me poverty is very humbling and just becasuse you are divorced does not mean that you will revert to your old self, even with your friend. Poverty is mind numbing and humiliating. I don't think sex can cover the loss of self that comes with it. When you go in the store with your food stamps, the check out lady thinks it's her responsiblity to refuse to ring up non-neccities like birthday cakes, soda and other stuff that she thinks is frivolous. You get left accidentally on purpose waiting for services like Drs, that you never had to wait for before. Or worse yet your old set of great Drs won't take medicaid so you end up with another Dr who was last in his class. It is mind numbing all the ways that society has to 'punish' you for just being poor or as they see it, lazy. I got speaches from my best friend about how SHE WORKED and (unsaid) because I was a stay at home MOM I sure didn't deserve any disability!! People will make economic political conversation and then look at you and smile/sneer. Are you getting the photo op here? He ain't worth it! INHO he allows you the luxury of talking and doing other neat fun stuff, just so he can have sex. But what I found out from my marriage is that EVERYTHING comes down to the SEX. No sex no more FWB?

Now, I've never met you or this guy and I apologize if I am not accurate about him. My post is just what I have learned or obvserved in my life. I only want you to think.

You said you have bad insurance. Is there a women's center or mental health clinic in your town? They can see you and put you on a sliding scale and carry balances as long as you keep making payments. Sometimes they can give you free pills or get you on programs offered by the drug companies for free pills. I am happy for you that you are happier than you have been in a long time but think of the future (retirement) and use your head. Sorry for being so blunt.One thing that helps me stay happy is to Look for the Laughter.

One thin

I guess I would ask, do you want a better marriage with your husband? or do you want the security he provides, and still be able to commit adultery? if you want a better marriage, you will have to have 0 contact with the other man, get into therapy and spill your guts...otherwise, do the right thing and divorce your husband. You dont have the right to do this to him, and your doing it intentionally.

I also want to throw out there that I doubt your a bad person. You have just allowed yourself to make some incredibly poor choices. I'm sure your husband is just as responsible for allowing your marriage to get to the state that it is in, he just isnt responsible for your affair. If you dont love him and you feel therapy wont work, let him go. The shame, guilt and self-loathing you feel now and will feel after he finds out wont be worth it. Once the fantasy wears off with this new guy, what then?

I wish you well.

i don't know what i want to do. i think my fwb would stay friends with me without the sex, but i don't think i could stay friends with him, knowing he had someone else.
i am aware this is going nowhere. we do not love each other. he will move on to someone better, eventually. when this happens, i seriously doubt if i will cheat again. for one, the guilt is overwhelming at times. for another, i have not found anyone i clicked with so immediately, and i doubt if i will again.
i too, have been cheated on. the love of my life, whom lived with for 4 years cheated every chance he got. i was unaware of any of this until i came home from work early and found him in my bed with someone else.
so, am i well aware of the devastating emotional effects of what i am doing. yet i need this time away from my problems, a small speck of fun into this bleak mess my life has turned into. i feel like the person i used to be when i am with him. and it isn't just the sex. several weeks can go by before anything physical happens.
even if this were a love situation, i doubt if i could leave my husband for him.
yes, i have made a poor choice. yes, i am incredibly selfish. my quest is to find out why i have chosen this path.
it is so unlike me, and i think about it constantly, sometimes i think i am obsessing over the situation and my fwb, well, i know i am. i hope to find some answers here, not judgements. i know what i am for engaging in this behaviour. hence my screen name, it is the main character from the scarlet letter.

Hester, The one thing that keeps popping up on your posts is that you want to have fun. Find someway to either start date-nights w/ yr. hubby or get counciling on how do put more fun in your marriage. If you used to like going to movies (etc) then go to the movies!! Maybe that any other activity may restart the spark. Ask him what he would like to do in the fun dept. besides sex!

Also, as to the fun: in I Corinithians in The Bible there is a definition of love. And you don't have to be religious at all to appreciate it.

I don't know the whole thing but:
Love is Patient
Love is Kind
Love is not Self-Serving
Does not find fault

But you get the idea. I don't see the word fun anywhere in there, but instead there are words that can be words and qualities which can be shared among a married couple to lessen the money problems and work in unison to fix the problem. Once the major stressor is gone, then there is time for fun. Shortcuts in life don't work. This FWB is a shortcut that can only lead to the hurt of 3 people. Take care of yourself and see if you can think your way out of this problem. Sometimes solutions are right under our noses. Post w/ idea to follow bipolarbearV Look For The Laughter!

Hester, Sometimes you just gotta think outside the box. This is a true story.

On New Year's Eve 1974 my husband and I found out that we were $400 in the red in our checkbook. He couldn't earn any more and neither could I, or so I thought.
My Mom refused to help too.

Having been a waitress before I knew that every fancy resturant needed help that holiday night and the tips would be very generous. So I arrived at the place, dressed, did my pre-work and set ups and then began serving. By the end of the night I had earned $50+ cash and I had a new 2nd job!! I continued on that part time job until my husband finished school and our needs were met.

So don't just sit and mope about your money situation. Something can be done if you really want it to happen. It's not up to your husband, your FWB, your family or the US Govt!! It begins with you!

Good Luck with both of your problems!

Look For The Laughter! bipolarbearV

well, first of all, i'm not moping re my financial situation. the unemployment rate here is over 13%, and i am lucky to have the job i have. there are not even any part time waitress jobs available here. i've done that before and i would do it again if the opportunity arose. the employer i work for will NOT take a second job into consideration when it comes to scheduling. if they want you to stay late, or come in early, you don't have a choice. this is a right to work state, they can legally fire you for refusing. also, i work 3rd shift, which has totally disrupted my life. all my former friends work regular hours, with weekends off, and i am not available for any time with them, due to the fact that i cannot have weekends off, nor do i have my days off together. they have stopped calling, and i really can't blame them. so, i am very lonely most of the time, even when i'm home with my husband.
as far as fun goes, my husband quit drinking over 10 years ago, and his arthritis has gotten considerably worse. going out to a night club is out of the question, and he cannot sit all the way through a movie. i have tried suggesting a non tv night, maybe playing dominoes or scrabble, which is what i do with my fwb, but he is not interested. i am really out of suggestions when it comes to bringing the fun back. he is still sexually active, but severely limited in what and how it can be done. it has become a chore for me, not a pleasure.
you are right as far as people getting hurt, but it won't be my husband, or my fwb, it will be me. i am afraid i have feelings for this person, and i know they are not recriprocated. i sense that he is pushing me away already, or maybe i'm just paranoid about it, however, i will deal with my pain when that time comes. i am under no illusions about that, and i will have earned the heartache that i have brought upon myself.
i guess i sound like i'm whining, but i don't mean to.
i feel like a stranger in a strange land, and i don't know how i got here or how to get back.

I am thinking about being honest with your husband. I mean this is not only your battle but his as well. A marriage in order to work is a partnership. It seems that you have certain needs that your husband fails to provide. If he becomes aware of this, probably he can better provide. I hope you find healing soon. If it troubles you so much and you really wish to get out of your 'hurting' predicament, then it is best to seek professional help and to involve your husband in the process...Best to you and hope everything works out for you and your family.

Hestor, You are really hurting aren't you? I can read and feel your genuine pain. I wish I could help. I tried to in my posts. I am sorry for some of my wording and I did not mean to say you weren't trying. Also, of couse, since I don't know you suggestions about going to movies etc. was a generic point not meant to only go out on movies. I misused the word mope, but I only meant 'get active about your problems.' Obviously you have tried.

Please take care of yourself. I know your self-esteem is horrible right now but please think about re-naming yourself on Psych Central. For those familiar with the book, The Scarlet Letter, Hestor's name carries an awful guilt. Be nice to yourself.

bipolarbearV Look for the Laughter!

If your needs are not being met by your husband, or he doesn't know what your needs are, GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. If he can't or won't attempt to meet your needs, then make the decision to move on.

Just because you are bored or in pain, doesn't give you the right to inflict pain upon others. As I read more of your postings it is clear that you want to have your cake and eat it too. I may be wrong, but that is how it is coming off. You can make different choices, you can be single and have sex and 'fun' with all the men you want, why not just do that? its apparently what you want.

how would you feel to wake up tomorrow morning and your husband telling you he has been sleeping with someone else? even if you dont want the relationship the betrayal would hurt..so imagine if you loved your husband like he says he loves you,,it is crushing...what you are doing is wrong and selfish...in the long run it will all blow up in your face,,it is inevitable

it probably will blow up in my face, and i will have deserved it. all of the posters have given me insight and suggestions, and i thank you for your comments. maybe i do want to have my cake and eat it too. i simply cannot leave someone who is ill because of my selfish needs, and to tell him would crucify him emotionally. i am not willing to do that either.
i have gotten myself into quite a mess. i will say i have felt this way for many years, and never ever done anything about it. why i clicked with this fwb enough to make me decide to do what i have done is something i cannot explain. i have had opportunities in the past, and turned them all down. believe it or not, i am really a very monogamous person, and the guilt is driving me crazy.
yet, i need this "happy place" i have found, and i am not referring to sex. most of the time we just talk and laugh. i think i do need some therapy. i wish i could afford it.
my state ranks 46th in the nation as far as providing mental health counseling for those who cannot pay, and most of that is for substance abusers, which, thank god, i am not.
i feel i am between a rock and a hard place-no pun intended-and really, i just don't know what to do anymore. i work with this person, so totally avoiding him is out of the question. the best i can hope for is that a good job will turn up, which will not only help get us out of the financial quagmire we are now in, but also will make it impossible to see or be with the other person.

i do not want to have sex and fun with all the men i want. i am not a *****, even though i may be coming across as one. that is not what i am looking for or what i want. i am sorry you have misinterpreted me.

Oh dear, you know how you mentioned you were not a substance abuser? This FWB situation sounds a lot like drug addiction and your "happy place" seems to be your drug of choice. Indeed you seem powerless, your life has become insanity. Just wanted to post things for you to think about.

i think you may be right about that. thanks for your insight. it is something i will seriously think about.

Sorry about that. I didn't mean to suggest you were a *****. My STBXW is a love addict, perhaps you struggle with this as well? IDK...she craves male attention and loves being in the "in love" stage with men, once this phase of the relationship passes, she moves on to the next guy. She says she has no desire to have sexual relations, though she has, its just about getting the attention..its like a high to her.

no, i don't think that is my issue. i have always been monogamous til now. i am uncomfortable when men flirt with me, i don't like it, never have. i think this is was a way of escaping the other problems that have come into my life. maybe it is an addiction. i know i am in over my head, and nothing but heartache for me will come of it.
i just want to know why i am doing this, why i have no intention of stopping it until i am replaced by someone else, knowing full well it is wrong, and nothing good will come of it.
the guilt and stress can be so overwhelming, yet i persist. if that doesn't make me insane, i don't know what would.

do you have insurance? can you see a counselor? even a few times can help your situation.

my insurance has a 1500 deductible. we are so strapped financially that i can't even see a regular dr. i have tried looking for someone in my area that would see me for a minumum fee, like 20 or 25$, but i have had no luck. most of the agencies here only treat substance abusers, or domestic violence victims, with kids.
i realize i need a therapist, the trick is finding one that will see me for next to nothing. that is not how drs. work in this country. it's all about the money.
if you know of any national referal agencies for this kind of thing, please let me know.