[itsjustme111]

I want everyone to stop telling me that I am killing myself with this. I want everyone to stop talking to me about it, telling me what I NEED to do.

My doctor said, "Your wasting away on us." I said, "Don't you get it, that's what I want to do."

So okay, I am going to die. Okay, I am starving myself. Threaten all they want to..... I am not going to any damn hospital so THEY CAN DECIDE WHAT I WANT. Don't they get it????????????

So what....I am sick.....so damn what.

They told me if I lose more weight and look like "death warmed over", I am gone. They will send me away. Great, more people to control me....more people to take over. I don't know what's going on here. I had really tried to change this, attempted to get well. I just am angry and don't get why. Is it the holidays, my due date....what is it. What triggered this? I feel like I want this ED to kill me------or me to let this kill me. What happened here?? I just don't know.

Justy

[silver_queen]

((((((((((Justy)))))))))) if ok

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((justy)))))))))) if ok

Fuzzy

[Shaymus]

{{{{Justy}}}}}

I can really feel your pain. Nothing worse than having those darn doctors make those kind of threats. They should shut up about that and just do it or not. I hate hearing that stuff, how they think threatening to take someones freedom away is benificial i dunno. Its never helped me to know before hand at least. Just gives me something MORE to worry about.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So what....I am sick.....so damn what.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Here's damn what Justy..we freakin' care dammit!!

We give a flyin' flip! As do your doctors and therapist. As do your kids.

As do many on this board.

So I'm sorry that you are being triggered by this..........the reality is you are very ill. No dodging that fact in any way shape or form.

It doesn't have to be the focus but working with this team in every way possible is a good thing to do.

Tell me to go suck a lemon but to watch someone die of organ failure from an ED? F that!!!!

I am not mad at you Justy. I'm mad at the disease because it robs one of the thinking. The body is robbed of nutrition and out of balance so the brain certainly is not balanced. I was in that place years ago Justy. Not to your extreme but permanent damage was done over the years and I'm still dealing with aspects of it in ways.

So I'll get lost but I care and you are very ill and near the place of not being able to make your own choices. Not anything to do with intelligence Justy............the brain is sick and you aren't making wise choices.

Let them help you please.

This ED IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!!!

You are stronger than the ED. Please keep fighting to get well and allow help in.

[sqrlb8]

I keep looking at the last lines of your post and the utter confusion they portray, and how that contrasts with your boldly asserted death wish in the opening. See yourself in trouble, in danger, as needing help, not in control. Sounds like there are some people trying to help you. In a hospital, you can really let go for a while. I mean just flop. Freefall for a bit. They'll keep you alive, and you won't need to spend anymore energy than you are now. It's not always this way, you said so yourself. I really hope you get to a safe place to get through this part of it.

[allautumn]

Zenhussy said what I've been trying to figure out a way to say since you posted that. Thanks Zen.
People aren't mad at you, we're mad at the disease, and what it is taking away from you, and that it is taking you away. We all want to see you get better. Brains can be tricky when they are imbalanced, they make you think oppositely to instinct, which is yelling "LIVE!!!" somewhere inside of you. I hope you hear it. Let someone help you, please.

[kimmydawn]

Justy,

i won't tell you what i think or wish you should do at this point. it would add to your anger and frustration, because you've heard it all.

i would like to say...i'm sending you the most powerful wishes of wellness and peace of mind. i know pain, and i recognize pain when i see it. however, i don't know your pain and i won't pretend to. i wish so much for you right now and hope you feel the strength and love we're all sending you...grab it and hold tight.

we care, justy. simple, beautiful, honest care.

kd

[SweetSunshine]

{{{{{{{{{{JUSTY}}}}}}}}}}}}

I care and I love ya Hon, And I would miss you calling me BRAT too! So please let others help you with this ok? Lots of hugs coming your way. All of us are speaking from our hearts here.

Hugz~~
Tryin

[itsjustme111]

(((((((((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Trying to think of the right words here. I know your not mad at me, and I am not upset at anyone here either.

I am soooo lost for words. But I hear you, trust me on that. I with what has been said here. Maybe my fear is that my doc is gone till January, my new t is gone till the end of the month, my old t is gone till January as well. I am not sure where to turn at this point as I KNOW I can' think clearly. And the thought of allowing this ED to let my organs shut down is not what I really want for my kids. I have held on this long for them..... and GOD I am grasping at the edge to hang on and fight for a better tomorrow. As much as I hate myself this is not about me. Its about my kids. So even if I am crying for death, I can't do this to them. I thought they are better off without me...... but if I do this I will destroy their futures. I think about how they would feel if I killed myself and its not fair to "set them up" for the "why's and what if's".

I am focusing on them as much as possible. I really clung on to them last night. Constant hugs and kisses. A simple touch when I walked by. But they notice all the love cause it always comes back. My son drew me a picture of a snowman. He wrote inside of him, "Your the best mom, I love you."

How can I let go of this??? I can't.

Justy

[partlycloudy]

Hello, Justy. I just want to encourage you in your positive thinking and let you know that I'm sending healing thoughts your way. This is such a difficult time of year for so many of us (I have fun trying to dodge cocktails and eggnog as I'm a very successful alcoholic!)
Hang in there.
pc

Im not so sure the ED is going to kill you. I think you are trying to kill yourself. You are just using the ED to do it. The question is why? If you really believe you are a good person inside (which hopefully you do or are making strides towards believing it) then why hurt your self? If your children are good, why aren't you good? If your children can be accepted despite their flaws, why cant you accept yourself?

I pray you stop the fight against yourself. I know it too well, and I know how much it hurts and gets you nowhere...but thats the point i guess.

Much love,
esthersvirtue

[itsjustme111]

I think you are right esthersvirtue. And I can't answer this because I am not sure why I have this will for dying. And yes, I think I am using the ED to do this.

Why......... wish I knew. I thought I had come to some grips within myself to stop doing this. I had made some steps forward to not hating myself so much. Fact is I do hate this person and not sure why. When I look back, think about who I am deep down.... I am not so bad of a person. I have helped many, have a big heart, I am a compassionate loving woman...yet I hate her.

I just don't know why I can't accept myself. My kids are kids. They are allowed to have flaws, make mistakes, be hyper and moody. They are children, growing and learning. They are damn wonderful!!! I don't see any of this in myself. Is it the way I have learned from my own childhood. Not allowed to mess up, not allowed to show emotion, the "disappointment" that I was always told that I was and still hear to this day? Is it what was beat into my head that now I see this as well?

I don't have the answers. But so many days that I see past this junk and want to survive. So why do I continue to kill myself? So yes, you are very right. It hurts but indeed its the truth. So how do you know all this? Its like you read my mind at times esthersvirtue. Like you can feel and hear whats going on in my mind. This battle....die or not die. It puzzles me to no end. Up one day, down the next. My thought to myself is--if I really wanted to die then why this way? Why not just get it over with? This I don't understand. And how do I get past this and try to have the will to live?

I know others can't answer this for me. Just my thoughts with this. The answers are inside but such a jummbled mess I can't make out the truth. The positives are crashing with the negative. The sadness, pain, and depression are playing with the happiness thats inside. This I find the hardest. Its frustrating and confusing.......

Justy

[inkblot]

I hate to say this, but you sound normal. I mean, you want more control and support in your life. One thing I have come to understand with purging is that it gives us the emotional impression that we are ridding our bodies of the stress--the things that we can not control. That's how I feel about it. I am sure you can do this, Justy. You have said yourself that you do not really want to die--I bet that if like me, I want my problems to "die". In order to feel that happening, we control our eating and activities. What do you think?

I can understand b/c its my battle too. If you can't make a clear convincing reason of why you should hate yourself, then it definately isnt worth the energy that you are putting into that lie (that you should hate yoruself).

My excuse usually is that nobody else cares about me so why should i care. Fact is that somone cares. I can reach out. I can make a hard decision and do the right thing and accept who i am.

Try acceptance, try love, try faith!

esthersvirtue

[itsjustme111]

Yes, I do know that this is your battle as well. Sorry. It just seemed like you were in my head at the time I wrote this.

At times Inky, I want to die and at other times I don't.

But how can I get by the hating part. Thinking about it I could list a thousand reasons why. But it hurts too much to admit to anyone. Shame, guilt, etc--all the junky stuff. I have a hard time looking or should I say facing myself in the mirror. Thats what I do know.

Justy

[Crazy_Charlie]

I can only say this: I wish I could make you eat and feel good about yourself, and feel good about eating. That's all I can say. I am sure you know enough about your illness and should's and should not's, no need to moralize...

Take care.

Charlie

[seeking]

Justy!

Wow! I am no expert on ED or any other order or disorder. I don't even know myself yet.

All I can share with you is this: As a child I grew up poor. Sometimes after school I would have a piece bread for lunch, and nothing else, no butter, no jam. I remember once sprinkling sugar on my bread and wetting it under the tap, it tasted like pudding! My mom always made sure that we had at least 1 decent meal every day (usually dinner time) and on Sundays the family sat down for a big lunch.

Now as an adult I get terribly distressed when I have to go hungry for whatever reason. My mood changes visibly and I become intolerant of things and people. Whenever we go somewhere for a trip even if it is only a few hours, I would take a snack. My snack box has become a bit of a family joke by now. Somewhere deep down I have this fear of dying of hunger and strangely I have never actually gone hungry.

Perhaps this is not what you wanted to hear but I wanted to share with you and this was all I could think of. I hope you can overcome these obstacles, life is difficult but as soon as we accept that it is difficult then we can move on.

You are in my thoughts.

[blackdragon]

i can only imagine what ur feeling.. I think doctors should let a person excercise their freedom to do what they want to themselves..

Its what you want, not what they want... THEY arn't the ones who's decision is affecting..

[Having2LeftFeet]

Justy,
Everyone on this panel is trying so hard to understand you and the problem you are having. Some show it with anger, the others show it with love. That doesn't mean that they disagree with each other. Let's just agree to disagree now. No one ever knows what we go through and that goes for everyone who has issues or problems, whether they be big or small, health or relationship wise. No one walks in our shoes and no one can say "OH...I know what you are going through! NO THEY DON'T! In every topic on this board no one knows what any member goes through BUT they are here to get help and to give help. We know who is genuine and who is not and I would have to say that there is only one issue that sends up a red flag. That's the fact that some messages don't even get a viewing and that's sad. When a member comes on this site for help or to vent and no one responds, that just makes the matter even worse. Then the member who is crying out for help just leaves with the same problem. Justy, I think you know what's in your heart and what the right thing to do. You have to come to grips with your life and if it is worth living. I say no one's life should be taken but again, I am not judging. I don't know what happened to you to have your life take this turn but what ever it is, I hope your life will have some changes for the better. Remember one thing. You have friends here and they care very much for you as I do. God bless you, Justy!

AnAngel

[itsjustme111]

Just when I thought I could not slip away any further, I have........

........and keep slipping so far down that nobody can ever reach me......not even me.....not even a "greater power".......

I am gone. I am totally gone with the power of this illness. And the depression....God it is killing me inside. I feel dead, only can feel this sadness. And I can't be saved anymore, cause I am gone.

this is me, now do u see her??

[JustBen]

Just four minutes before you posted this message, you wrote a note of encouragement to someone else. It's an inspiration to see someone in as much pain as you're in reach out to help someone else...it tells me that you're not gone. You're very much here. And thank God for it, because we need you here.

[alliecat]

Sweetie. It's going to be ok. I know all too well how ED's are addiciting and make you feel horrible one day and good the next. It's a very odd disease but you know what, you can be cured! I got to a point where I didn't want to be cured, I wanted the ED to eventually just take me but then I realized that there is a lot more to life than my current problems. We can change our lives how ever we want. Don't you want to win or do you want to be defeated? Trust me, winning feels awesome. I wish I could just hug you right now cause I understand.

[itsjustme111]

It is ironic isn't JustBen. When I read what others go through it rips my heart out as I want to so badly take the pain for all of you. And to help someone else is what I have always wanted to do. And it is very hard to see this going on for others as I care for many deeply in this forum. And it is odd that I can speak from the heart to people here, its sincere yet I don't hold any of this for myself. As I don't feel worth more than what is happening now. I wish I had the magic to take away pain and suffering for everyone. I would take it, feel it, see it, and that would be okay. Then for once I would be useful in helping others. I would take it with no seconds thoughts. Just holding the knowledge to take pain away from others would be the biggest gift of life.

alliecat: Right now thats how I feel. I am not wanting to let go of this as there are worse things hiding beneath this illness. These "things" are killing me inside so I keep them down so deep. Yet obviously I am kidding myself as I am allowing all of this to destroy me and everyone that cares and loves me. It is so strange how this works. Lately, in all honesty, I want it to defeat me. And thats so sad to say but everything is coming full force and I am breaking away. I feel like its kicking me, leaving such wounds that I pray for death. As much as that may sound selfish and it is......its my thoughts and feelings. I mean I had posted about 10 minutes ago, not knowing how to feel as there are so many different feelings rushing through.....and now I once again feel hopless and despair.

OHHH crap. The phone just rang but I did not make it. It was my doctor (called display). Oh my God, my blood work. I am so screwed. Okay, now I am in tears. Please help. What am I going to do? I am so scared. Someone hold me, I am falling apart. Now what, do I call back?

Okay, I am going to go calm down here. I am okay, got to settle here and think.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone for following me with all of this. I am a lucky person to have u all.

I will let u know after I think what to do.....

Justy

[itsjustme111]

Sorry about that. Okay, I called my doc back.

Blood work is not good. I have to go in tomorrow. So I sat and cried for a few minutes then called my t. I lucked out once again, his appointment did not show up. So we talked for about 15minutes. He asked me to do an experiment tonight with food. I won't get into all the details but he said that I need to make my point clear with my doc. I have been trying different stragies. Does not always work but am finding other thing to be distracted with. So this one I am trying tonight, if it works, could be a good tool in helping my doctor understand that I am trying.

Like my t said, he is a doctor and what he decides to do with it, I don't have the power to change this. If he certifies me, I can't stop him and it won't make it easy for me as I have nobody to take my kids. My t said that my doctor and everyone else involved need to realize that I am using this ED as a coping skill. It has worked up until my medical health has become in severe danger. So we have to work together (my t and I) to find new ways that won't risk my health and well being. And this takes time. So he said in my defense, I have been working on these things already. And some of it has helped. Nobody can expect miracles over night. I will fall....self harm can not just be taken away with nothing to replace it. He said that is too much to ask anyone to do. It is not reality.

So if I can convince my doc that I do know that my health is not good but am attending my sessions with my t, that eventually things will look different. My thoughts will become more positive and will start to heal the hurt. I can't lie to my doctor. I know the suicidal thoughts are strong. But as I said before, I am still here. My only really big fear is if its my kidneys: there is nothing I can say, he will admit me. But if thats the case well I don't have a choice as they can't just ignore it and let me die.

So with all of that said: Who will come with me? Just kidding. Wish ya could though. I am a turtle not wanting to come out.

I am really sorry for the last post. I freaked out when I saw the number on my phone. But in reality: what it is, it is. I can't change my blood work, it does not lie. I am thinking I will take a sleeping pill tonight. Whenever I am nervous about something, I can't sleep. And I just got a new presciption.

Talk again soon....thanks again all. Take good care and have a good night.

Justy