[Big Mama]

I've been really stuck in a bad place lately. I have come here to PC some and talked about things that were going on. I have PTSD and have been having nightmares. It is bad enough to be disturbed during the day due to intrusive thoughts, but when you are haunted by night w/ more thoughs it sure does make for a most difficult day upon waking. My dreams have really been missing w/ me lately. I have started having panic attacks again as well.

I had an appointment w/ the T today and I actually got support and hope that these feeling will go away. The T asked me to continue to write about what I dream it gives a much more clear view of things then what my words do at the moment. It lets her in with a different view.

We are working on repairing the traumatized brain. The left side and the right side are telling each different things of one side is much stronger then the other. I am not so sure about all this traumatized brain stuff. We worked on a trauma loop, that is what she called it. It is a trigger, then your response or emotion, then your choice of fight, flight or freeze. The flip side of this is changing the trauma loop and reversing how it affects you. So it's the trigger, how would you have liked to have felt, instead of fight, flight or freeze what emotion do or would you like to feel. Something positive.

This is incredibly difficult for me to figure out. Has anyone else ever heard of this or anything related to this. I am supposed to record my dreams, analyze them if I can, then write a new positive ending for the dream. My T specializes in trauma's. I believe her I do, but this all sounds a little strange to me. If you have anything to add please do. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

Well I have not herd her terms, but what you are talking about is that your brain is trying to figure out how to process the memories/thoughts you have during the day while you sleep at night. You have been working on your past that you have not resolved emotionally, so your brain is trying to figure out how to store it all away at night while you are sleeping.

If you think about it, you have been really working on your past, and how it is bothering you today, and you have not come up with a "safe path forward" yet.
You have been sending messages in your brain "Yes, this was bad and I don't know how to fix it or deal with it". So, at night your brain is left with trying to figure it out as well and if you attached uncomfortable emotions to memories during the day, well, your brain is going to do that at night as well.

By writing down these dreams, it allows you to pay attention to what your brain is doing with information at night. And by taking the information and thinking about solutions during the day that are "more positive" you are giving your brain a better way to process the problem at night while you sleep.

When people have "tramatic" experiences they always go through the process of trying to understand it and find answers to it that will help them see the warning signs in the future. It is all about learning and again thriving. If you never resolved a bad experience or had answers that you could work around in "life" then when a reminder comes up, or you "do" begin to work on it or recall it, you dream bad dreams because you don't have a way of formulating options in your brain so that your brain could dream up a story with a solution.

When we dream, we are processing alot of information, things we see, hear, touch, and feel emotionally during the day. Then at night while we sleep our brain sorts it out and puts the images, sounds, smells, physical sensations all together in a story it can store away or even disgard.

So, in therapy you are talking about things in your life that you didn't really have answers for, things that bother you, make you feel bad about your life or environment and the people you interact with. As you are doing that you are actually "learning" how to look at things from your past, realize that while you cannot "change" it, you "can" learn to finally find enough resolve so that you begin to feel better about yourself and your life in general.

What you are doing is slowly putting in information in your brain that will allow you to finally take the information you have not resolved into a place where your brain has learned enough and now can store in an area that you can tap onto in your life that has "problem solving answers" for you.

By writing down your "bad or upsetting dreams" you will see where you are struggling, and you can work on putting information into your brain that helps direct it so it can finally store confusing information.

Retraining the brain? Well, I think of it as giving your brain better information to work with, building your own data base better. So instead of sending yourself old solutions of "people are just going to be mean to me" or "I am always going to feel bad about being intimate" or "my husband is never going to be trustworthy" or all the things you are now sorting through? You will slowly have "better answers, ways of looking at these challenges" and realizing how to slowly "self empower" instead of turning to "victim mentality" that you unknowingly processed into your brain.

I often compare it to finally learning how to tie your shoes differently. For a while, you will have to pay attention to it as you do it, instead of how you did it the old way where you did it without thinking about it. Another way of thinking about this too, is that if you were to take up knitting, for a while you would have to "pay attention to every movement", however as you continue to do it on a constant basis, eventually you would be able to "knit" and sit in a group and talk at the same time, or watch TV and knit away without having to focus "all" of your attention to it.

It "takes time" to problem solve to a point where you are not constantly going to the old habits you had to think about yourself and your old ways of "dealing". However, Big Mama, you "can" make accomplishments and gains. It just takes "time and lots of patience".

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

When someone is "abused" or even "neglected" or is "raised in disfunction" they slowly form what is called "victim mentality". And they are not truely "aware" of how this has taken place in them. Somehow there was really no one there to tell them what they were dealing with and how to react and "especially be heard" by others.

If you really just sat back and observed many of the threads put up in PC, what you are going to constantly see is. "How can I get others to "listen to me"? And the two busiest forums at PC is the "Relationships" and "Depression" forums.

The one area that human beings all struggle with is "LISTENING". And we often simply do not know how to "listen" to our children or others. And because of that, we tend to develope some very "unhealthy" thinking patterns as a result.

When we struggle to be heard, we often begin to think that the only way to be heard is to do something "big" and "important" so that finally, people will hear us and that is how to finally "feel better and safe and healthy".

If, when we are growing up, we do not get the right nurturing where we feel we are "heard" from our first crys through our childhoods, we slowly begin to suffer and often one of the results is "low self esteem".

Remember, it was not long ago when parents truely thought, "children are to be seen and "not" heard". And what that did was begin a long line of parents that were going to have "disfunction" offered to their children.

Big Mama, one of your fondest memories is the "five minutes" your grandmother LISTENED TO YOU. She did not have "money to buy for you", instead she decided to give you those FIVE MINUTES OF UNDEVIDED ATTENTION. Somehow, she realized how important that was, somehow she knew what she wanted and needed and may not have gotten enough of.

The "base" for good mental health for every human being is how they are taught "How to be heard" and "how to listen to others". If a child grows up thinking that the only way people will recognize and listen to them is by what "things" they have, they will live out their lives with a "must have the right things to be heard" mentality. And, if they cannot have the right "things" they will quietly suffer with feeling "inadequate" and unworthy of "being heard".

A very interesting thing happened to me Big Mama. I had a client come to my farm that brought her grandchild to ride one of my ponies. This woman had an aura to her where I could tell she was educated and comanded "control" of her life. So I made sure that I gave her space to interact with her grandchild and have the power.

We walked around and talked and a lot of her attention was directed towards getting the child to sit up straight on the pony and "stop slouching". Each time she directed the child, it came out in a command and that command would only last a very short time. So basically I observed the constant command over and over.

Finally, this woman decided to relinquish her need for control and asked me to "teach the child something". So I stopped and took over the communication with this 3 year old little girl. And I began to ask her if she liked "princesses" and right away she zoomed in on me and said "yes". Then I asked her if she would like to "be a princess" and her reply was "yes". Then I asked her if she would like to learn how to be a princess and she said "yes". So I displayed to her the difference between holding my body in an ugly slouch and then holding my body like a princess. I made sure "she" got to choose again, which one she would rather be.

When we continued to walk and she learned how to sit like a princess, because she is only three and would get "distracted" and "slouch", all I had to do is say, "Woops, remember about how you want to be a princess", and she would again sit up. So all I had to do is say "princess"? and she would respond.

Well, it turned out that the "grandmother" was a "child psychologist" who was a professor, author and working child psychologist. She made sure to tell me that "I missed my calling" and I should seriously consider becoming a child psychologist.

I was "perplexed" because I had only done what I have always done with "children" and it was just "normal" to me, and I had even raised my own child that way. However, a basic to me was being "missed". In all my years of teaching, I did know that every child I worked with learned best, by me asking them "what they wanted" first and then working from there.

So many parents and even professionals don't know that, they seem to think that "children need constant instruction" and "direction" and they never seem to give a child time to "talk about what they like or want or need". In our world today, we hand children so much information, and we tend to be so busy that we just give them activities and toys and say, "go play" I have to do this or that, "don't bother mommy, she is busy" or "you better behave today because I am not in the mood". So, children learn from very early ages, "I cant talk or express my needs, I have to just behave and listen to orders".

People who struggle with PTSD and other challenges, are often finding themselves having to relearn or even learn for the first time, "how to be heard, how to get people to listen, and be ok with being heard and getting others to listen to them". It is very "sad" to see how bad it really is, and how many people are so completely confused about "being heard" or that they actually deserve to have someone "LISTEN" to them.

Society as a whole has developed so many messages that say "go fix it yourself, do what I tell you to do, and don't come to me with it because "I don't want to hear it".
And that becomes the core message that is put into the "subconsious mind" of so many.

So Big Mama, that is one of the big main issues that "you" have to also find your way towards understanding and remaping in your mind. And the therapy and healing is part of learning how to finally understanding all the ways "people simply do no know how to listen in general". AND, the bigger problem is finally sorting through all the built emotions that revolve around this "main problem".

You have to finally learn how to "accept" on a much larger scale, what this means and how to finally see it and allow yourself to understand it in a way where you can begin to live your life being able to understand how people often do not know "how to listen" and that it isn't just "you" they do this with either. You have to finally understand that it is not "you that is truely failing" it is often how others are failing.

It is very hard to make peace with this problem, because it is a problem with "society" in general. What you now have to do is find inner peace in "accepting this" and learn how to live "your life" inspite of it. And you "can" slowly learn how to do that, but it takes time.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open eyes thank you for your insight. According to the T, the traumatized brain develops differently then the normal brain. The traumatized part can't develop in the way it was meant to and overdevelops in certain areas. This causes overreactions to simple things or unresponsiveness to other more serious things. For example overreacting when someone raises there voice or this is a horrible example but it is one that applies. I hate to say it to a fellow animal lover but I can't think of a more appropriate explanation......You hear stories of people who kills and torture animals and a bi standard watches an it has no affect on them. Sorry for the horrible example. But unfortunately folks really do that.

Anyway I am working on changing the rationalizing and feeling part of my brain, the frontal lobe, to activate the parts that would sence positive feelings. That point is mostly void for me. I have no positive feelings about myself or life's circumstances. The T is working on helping me change negatives into positives in a way that will strengthen that part of my brain to allow positives thoughts to thrive. Eventually I will not have to call on other parts of my brain on purpose to come up w/ a positive thought about myself or life's situations. As one part gets stronger other parts do not have to work so hard to compensate. The final goal is for the frontal lobe responsible for reasoning, being rational, and emotions to fire at the right time w/ the correct response. I know my T specializes in trauma's. She has worked w/ vets, school shooting victims, fire victims, mass murder survivors, as well as rape, CSA, and many other life changing events. I do trust her to some extent. I'm just not sure about all this. She has even given me printed info on how this works. I wish I could find it now. I lose everything and there is no since looking for it. It will turn up eventually. I was just curious if anyone had heard of this. I'm a skeptic anyway, this sounds skeptical to me. But I'm not a trained professional. The T did find info to help me see it is real. But folks can find info to prove aliens are real to. So I don't know. Right now I don't think much could make things worse so I have to try.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I understand what you are saying here. I have not heard it explained that way, but it makes sense. However, what I have also laid out in my post is another "core" problem that also has to be understood as well.

I would have to say Big Mama, it is about "understanding "both"" at the same time.
I have that challenge myself and I am "still" working through it. I can totally relate to the "loud voice" trigger as well. Yes, I can see what your T is saying to you, I agree that the tramatized brain does develope differently, I see it in myself.

I can also see why you are struggling with it too, me too, because it is hard to understand how we can learn to slowly "identify" and then "slowly repair" as well.
It is a "lot" of work and hard to understand.

I find for myself that because I have PTSD and the responses are now "magnified" I often just "respond" and the only thing I can do is "observe" when I do respond and then "learn" what it means and why it is there. And how to slowly work on it.

I don't think they know exactly "how" the brain is doing this, but they have gained alot of knowledge in how to treat it in a way that helps the patients that are truely challenged by it.

What I "can" tell you Big Mama is that as you begin to notice how you are making "gains" on it, you will start to understand it more. It is hard work, but you can learn how to slowly work through it. I am not going to lie, I am still challenged myself, however I am slowly understanding it better. I have to admit that some days, actually many days, I have to dig very deep and continue to give myself permission to allow myself to heal and not be so defeated emotionally. I have to say, that it would sure be so helpful if other people understood how much work it really is. It is nice to connect with others that can relate and support.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I can identify with the part that talks about the struggle with the brain firing at the right time with "response".

I have discribed this in a different way, I often "react" first and then find myself only being able to address it "after" I react. The average person does not understand how challenging this is. Wow, I am often "riddled" with this problem and it has been a lot of work to first understand it, and then find the patience to work at it. It is the main reason why I tend to isolate too. I often worry about "reacting" and being misunderstood and having people react so badly to my "reactions" that I begin to experience a lot of confusion in my brain. I already know that I get to a point where I really struggle and I panic.

One of my big challenges is that my husband is a very "in your face" person and he is very "animated" and often intrusive. He has dislexia and he is "hyperactive" so his brain is "hurry up lets get going right away quick" and he also steps right into peoples comfort zone and tapps them and talks into their face. He can also be "loud" as well.
He is a really good man, but he doesn't have a sense of other's space somehow and he can completely and totally tire me out. He is even that way in his sleep, I end up huddled in the bottom of the bed holding a pillow next to my head for a shield.

I had an appointment with my T this week and my T told me that he is not going to be able to change and "I" have to be the one that works around "him". Sigh....I am trying so hard and when I "react" he gets even more "animated" with his face and body language and short temper or defeat or anger that I tend to lose my capacity to keep up.

And the problem with this situation is it goes way back for me to my childhood when my brother was the same way, only I was tramatized constantly. It is so much work and it has been very hard to understand how I managed before, but I cannot now, I am just so incredibly sensitive now. And my husband doesn't understand how I used to do ok, and now I just react the way I do. He is constantly saying think before you react and I don't work that way right now, it surprises me too.

Often when I am around him all weekend, by Monday I am totally exhausted. I am trying to explain it to him without "hurting" him. And I have almost told him how far it goes back, but I don't want him to see how he connects with how my brother abused me. I am sure others can relate to this challenge. It is sooo much work.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

I feel your pain. My H is the same way. He is loud, and does not get my since of personal space, or anyone's for that matter. He loses his temper and doesn't realize the force he uses w/ his words.

His aggrivated body language scares me. When people are aggrivated someone or something caused it. I assume it was me or by my doings. Then I walk on egg shells trying to avoid him and I set myself up for my own demise. He knows his tone is harsh and is working on that. He gets angry at me when he tries to be calm and I don't do as he says even when he is calm. For example Instead of saying "GO CLEAN THE CAR, RIGHT NOW he says calmly "Go clean the car, now" in a calm tone. It is not a matter of tone and my obeying it is a matter of convience and asking why can't you do it now, or when it is convient will you clean the car. I tell him you can call me a "B" w/ an angry tone or you can call me a "B" w/ a calm pleasent tone butit doesn't change the fact that you called me a "B" .

What he precieves as loud and what I precieve as loud is different because of the PTSD. What I see as standing to close and what he sees as to close is different. By Monday I am ready for Zanax. Thank God he goes to work.

Part of the reason the T likes to see us on Tuesdays is that it generally takes 48 hours to start to mentally recover from an issue. What happens over the weekend and the stress it causes she can get a fairly clear picture of on Mon & Tues.

Well someone is waiting for the computer to finish home school for the day. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Open Eyes]

Ah, yes, I have T on Tuesdays as well, and you are right, it often takes that amount of time for me to get my thoughts together. It is nice to hear what your T has to say.
Actually, if you can remember, can you ask her for that info again on what you discussed here? I would love to read it myself because I like to gather everything I can learn about PTSD. Anything that gives me more ways to understand it and even have it to show my husband to explain to him that I really am trying, is also helpful.

I have been expaining it in a very similar way, but it is always nice to have any way to discribe it, as you know, the one thing PTSD sufferers do is constantly try to put the challenge of it into words.

I can see how I have worked around trama's most of my life. However, when I experienced my last trama, something changed and unfortunately it wasn't addressed the right way so I got worse and developed full blown PTSD.

When I listened to Dr. Phil talking to parents of this latest trajedy and telling them how they had to address this with their children, even for themselves, I realized even more how that was not done properly with me. All the warning signs he discribed happened to me.

When I went to the psychward, everything I asked for was what they should have done. They didn't listen and instead, further tramatized me. They even allowed my family members to visit me and yell at me and blame me. Everything I uttered is in my file and I definitely expressed all the red flags that without question showed that I was a "trama victim".

NO ONE asked to speak to my family members to explain to them what to look for and how to help me. As a result, my family was "mean" to me and continued to blame me for something I truely could not help. And I grew worse, and continued to be blamed even more. This is wrong. I do wonder constantly if I would have avoided getting this bad had I had the right help right away.

I know this happens to others as well, and honestly, I want to scream it out from some place where others will hear, it is wrong and how important it is to "help and support" trama victims the right way.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

I told no one of what happened to me. I was afraid and fearful. I was raped repeatedly for 9 months. Used in every way possible. Told every lie known to man to get what he wanted. It was every weekend and a few times durring the week to. My mom saw the mental decline. I began sleepwalking. I stayed in my room for days. I pulled away from my friends. Never once did she ask what was wrong. My mom knew it had to do w/ "him". That was all. I wanted so badly for someone to help me but I didn't know how to tell anyone. I My parents could obviously see my mental decline yet they refused to even try to help. If they would have said you may not see him anymore I would have had a safe way to escape. But I didn't tell them firstly because I didn't feel like I could, I couldn't accept what was happening to me and the knowledge that I was allowing it. I didn't want to press charges and have my name drug threw the mud and have to confront him in that way. When we broke up and my family had to stay elsewhere no one asked what happened. When he stalked me and my family for 6 months no one said anything. So I didn't either. I lived a lie from that point on. I told no one, I even had a T at school and the T didn't know. She knew something was wrong just didn't know what. Later she asked me if I had been sexually abused in my past and I was thinking more along the lines of as a kid and I told her no. I didn't tell her it was an old boyfriend.

Well there is more to the story but we are getting ready to go caroling w/ the church so I must go.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

I am very sorry you were so alone with that experience. We often "think" that after we experience something like that we eventually "just" get over it. We never expect to deal with it in a PTSD. I don't know about you but my parents always answered bad things with "oh well, you will just get over it and move on". And that made it worse for me because I could not understand why I didn't really get over things.

I actually had something similar happen to me. I was date raped and I didn't plan on telling anyone, but I got pregnant from it and even then I feared that if I told the truth I would not be believed. And because I found out very early my parents just rushed me right to an abortion clinic. There was no questions but just do and move on. It was a horrible experience, very tramatizing and I had to learn again that advice of "just get over it and move on", well, I didn't really ever truely "just" at all with it. And on top of that my parents were "ashamed" of me, it was so awful. Deep inside I felt like a murderer, and that God would punish me somehow. And I honestly felt that any bad thing I experienced from that time on was "punishment".

So, you are really not alone in "thinking" you had to hide and had no one to talk to about how you really struggled. That really happens alot more than you realize and it is sad that so many women "hide" and "hold pain in like that" and really feel "guilty" or that they should have done something different.

(((((Big caring Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open Eyes that is horrible. I can't imagine what you must have gone threw. That is part of why I said nothing to my parents. I didn't want to be an outcast. I felt like one anyway but if my own parents felt that way then it must be so. I couldn't deal w/ that either.

My dad would die if he knew the things that have gone on between my H and myself. We have been in some pretty ugly disputes. I am afraid now like I was then. I am misleading the people I love now just like I did then. I'm living a lie. If my mom or dad knew the things that have gone on behind closed doors and the mental and emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of my H, My dad I truly fear would kill my H. There has been instances where my father has came to my house and I hid w/ my children as my dad and my H had it out verbally. I was fully prepared for some one to get really hurt. No one did though. If my H were in my dads shoes he'd be the same way w/ our daughter. He'd kill some guy who mistreated her. It is difficult to keep a secret from the very people I love. My family would strongly encourage me to leave my H. If I didn't it would only make matters worse w/ ugly glares and cold words towards my H, towards someone I chose to stay married to. Right now we can all at least get along and be civil. My dad and my H may not be in complete agreence but they can relate and get along because my family doesn't know the truth. I can see that my decision to tell them is the right one for right now. It has been the right one for 18 years.

Thank you for listening. I have not told anyone the things I have just told you in this little piece and the piece above this one. It's scary to say. Seeing it written down somehow gives it rebirth. It was true, it was so, it did happen. My mind says it does and my words says it does, my body says it does. It's a sick kind of confirmation. How terrible and how strange that tomorrow I'll be glad I said it. If what I said can live in words here then all of it doesn't have to live inside me. If I can put the words here I can simply press print and my T can be let in. If she can be let in, what happened can live on in a file somewhere and not so much of it w/ just me.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

It is a start, I never imagined talking about the things I have let out here at PC. I didn't think I would tell my T either. There is a sense of "I am doing something wrong by talking about my past" that comes and goes in me. I think a lot of people struggle with that, in part because we are told to "not to air our dirty laundry" and "keep things to yourself" and "keep your own councel" and there are probably more quotes like that.

Someone said to me, be careful what you put out there, it stays out there forever. And after I thought about it for a while I came up with, good, maybe someone else who struggles will see it and not feel so all alone and get the courage to speak up too.

(((Hugs to you Big Mama)))

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

It is hard to believe this happened when I was 15. Twenty three years ago. In that time I met someone else, got married, saw both sets of grandparents pass, I had kids one which is 15 (yikes), and still I feel like I am stuck back there 23 years ago. The dreams are so real. The pain is still here. The thoughts still exist. All these things happened like the song says "Time marches on". But one small part doesn't march on. It stays stuck.

My T asked me if I have seen this man in the community and I have. She asked did I confront him or had I ever thought about confronting him. She also said she would never suggest anyone confront another, that it is a personal decision and not hers to make or try to sway an opinion one way or the other. I told her I never, NEVER, want to confront him about what happened. But that I have since spoken w/ him and found something good in him. The something good makes me feel that much more sad though.
He married my best friend from high school. She has two kids from a previous marriage and a child from another incident. The last child has autism and other birth defects. He wares braces on his legs so he can walk. He is very dependent on his step dad who happens to be the guy who raped me. He is so good with all her kids. It makes me see him in a different light to see that these little boys truly love the only dad they have ever known. I don't see him as a horrible monster anymore. I see him as a person who was a monster but who changed to a softened individual after embracing the love of a child. (well 3 of them) What makes me feel bad is my own H is not so good to his own kids. A rapist is better and more loving towards children that are not his and the have serious health issues then someone who didn't do these horrible things. My H has a hard time loving his own flesh and blood, he's never been a rapist. A rapist is better then my H at loving his children, biologically his or not.

((((OE))))) (((((Mama)))) thank you for sharing and having this conversation. It helped me a great deal and finally I dont feel so alone or confused and frightened. Also I hear you. You are writing words that resonate and I feel with you...

Thank you also for writing about the 48 hour rule. It makes perfect sense to me now in my own experience. It usually takes about that much time for me to really calm down after a triggering experience. I am exhausted and worn out.

**may trigger** recounting experience from Tues night.

I was at a retailer the other night at 6pm. I was the last person in the door before they officially closed. The salesperson was a female also. Right before me was a young man that gave off a "vibe". I have been going to this place for years and "know" the woman there. I could feel the tension in the store. There was no visible security, and it was just the three of us. I told the woman I could wait and to not worry about it...the kid could go before me. Between the lines "I will stay with you so you are not alone with this trouble" sigh. Me. Trying to be strong for another woman in the face of a possible crime

The young man was trying to pass a check that the woman found suspicious and couldnt verify. He was getting more anxious and frustrated by the moment as she was going through the motions to verify....it was horribly tense. I could hear her voice shaking a bit as he was getting more agitated with her. I started getting scared but I didnt want to leave her alone. My heart was literally pounding and I had my phone in my hand pretending to work, when I was really poised to call 9 1 1. Omg, he was really angry when she finally explained his payment would not go through and she even called the boss and faxed him a copy of the check...ultimately, it was up to the boss. And he said "no".

The young man was very agitated at that point and a little aggressive. At that point I thought, "oh great...I might get robbed or get hurt ... or worse."

Thank God, he finally left in a huff, slamming things down and storming out but not hurting anyone.

Yesterday, I was feeling completely stressed and burnt out. My F/F responses had been activated and went into overdrive (I hate that I cannot just experience fear or anxiety or stress like "normal" people).

I am in denial or something about the stress disorder but I just could not imagine leaving that woman alone with that guy. Even to protect myself. Like I could protect her?!! I was shaking so much after I left, I had to take a pill just to get home.

I feel a little better today but I am still feeling a little shaken. I know tomorrow will be a little better.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

One of the things I have noticed about PTSD, and you touched on above, is that withdrawn desire when it comes to physical expressions of "love and caring". It also has a lot of "dissapointment" in self that is so hard to explain to others.

I find for myself, that I have a tremendous amount of empathy for others, and I do know intimately how they feel, hense I do give a lot of hugs. I know some people just dont like hugs, and I wish there was another button I could use that says "I am listening or I hear you" to choose. I may not agree with someone, but I can definitely hear them and understand why they have their opinions about things.

One of the things that I do focus on now is even though I am "hurt" by others and how they don't "see or listen to me" the way I would like them to, is their capacity to do what I need of them. And I have always made allowances for others, work around their goods and bads, and I struggle now because when I do that, now I see my "victim mentality".

When my therapist told me that my husband is not going to be able to get rid of some of his behavior patterns that upset me and that "I" have to learn to work around it. It is like he is telling me to go back to being my "victim mentality" in a way. Wow, that is really hard for me tbh. And it is hard for me because I "did" do that most of my life, and I didn't know it was "hurting me" and creating this problem I am struggling with now. I used to be able to "tune him out when he enacted his intrusive behavior patterns", but now, I react and I react before I can even think about "not reacting". And when you talked about the fact that your husband may use a "quieter" tone, he still "orders you and talks down to you" the volume is just lowered. And that doesn't work for PTSD because we are extremely sensitive.

I do keep considering the people around me that have charectoristics that tend to "minimize" me or my value. I keep trying to "observe" and also "observe" my own reactions as well. I do try to keep in mind that when people do not "see my needs or respect me" that they actually do not "know how".

The problem is that I have not always truely been able to do that and "protect" my boundaries at the same time. It felt more like I had to be the one to "give in" all the time. Like my attorney who triggers me to the depths of me. I sit across from him and I can see how he shakes, is old, and should be retired but is being stubborn about hanging onto his practice. He is forgetful, and admits it but in his next breath says he is still as smart as a whip. He embarassed me so much in my deposition because he had to talk about "him" so much and when he went into talking about how he is Jewish, but is not a "bad jew" and married a Catholic woman and let her raise their children as "she" wished, WOW, it was so inappropriate and took so much time from my deposition that my deposition wasn't finished and for over 2 years I am still waiting for it to be finished. And it wasn't just that conversation, he had to talk about where he went to college and who he knows too. The efforts he was trying to make to make himself seem big or above "being selfish and small minded" only made him look "selfish and small minded" and it was awful. OMG, it was so unprofessional and I was so completely embarassed by him.

So, while I see how I should "feel sorry for him" and try to deal with it. I also see that it is "hurting me". And for me, this goes all the way back to my early childhood with my brother, whom I felt so sorry for, but feared him and he "did" hurt me. And now because I am struggling with PTSD that is crippling, I do truely struggle to the depths of me, and I get "crippled in my attorney's presence" and even hearing his voice flat out disables me. And I suffer a temendous amount of "guilt and shame" because I can't seem to find a way for this crippling affect to "not take place". Which is a common complaint of PTSD sufferers.

What is even harder for me, is that I do "not" have any kind of strong presence I can have with me to help me. And, that too is exactly what happened to me in my childhood. And because my attorney has my medical file and knows my condition, he does use it against me to cover up "his" mistakes and shortcommings as he "talks down to me". Again, this is what I dealt with my whole childhood because I was the youngest and weakest in my family and my brother did manipulate me because of this too.

And like my childhood, I have been "stuck" with this situation for "years" now. And, I have called around and talked to different attorneys, and "none" of them want to get "involved" because my attorney has a very long career and no one wants to "disrupt" the rythm of whatever they have accomplished in how they "interact" and "deal" with my attorney in cases. And, if I try to bring this situation to the board, I know full well that because my attorney has my medical file, he knows I have PTSD, he will use that against "me" to say that "I am a difficult client that has a mental disorder and "he" is the one that is trying to "work around "me". AND, I do have diagnoses that are totally "wrong" in my file and though I have been told they are "wrong" no one will put it in writing, because they don't want to get involved with anything I could use in a lawsuit or any kind of legal action because of "errors made".

Basically I have been stuck in "a ground hog day scenario" where I wake up and have the same problem every day. And I honestly don't know how to stop the way it is crippling my brain. It is also very hard to know that the opposing side wants me to wear down and become weary so I will settle for "peanuts" just to make it go away. I truely feel that what I am dealing with is worse than "waterboarding". And I have way too much debt and losses to walk away, I will lose way too much and so will the damaged animals.

Basically I have been trying very hard to help my brain get stronger so I can hand my attorney my "demand" and have the energy to get him to understand it, see me and not just do as little as possible to get rid of me, my case and be done with it. My attorney is now 80 and he is "not" in a place where he is "hungry enough" to stand with me and fight. I am lucky if he can even remember as he had forgotten so many sceduled depositions last year that it completely disabled me. I was in no condition to have to remember the trama and need to get out the details so I could finally decompress with that part being "finished" for a while. I still can get called at any time to finish being deposed. And, where I left off was getting to the part that is the "most" uncomfortable to recall, and talk about. I ended my last deposition stuck in a flashback and it was awful and completely "embarassing".

Rose, we were posting at the same time. I can really relate to what you are saying about stepping up to the plate to be a "strong" presence for others. Ofcourse you will do that because you know the genuine need very intimately. I would do the same. I would also experience what you experienced afterwards and have your same thoughts as well. However, the fact that this young man was "outnumbered" is often a deterant from showing too much "agression". It is however a risk, because we all know that something bad could happen anyway if the person is "angry enough". You do have to understand that you have had a "normal" reaction to this situation, however you will feel the stress and anxiety longer and stronger than others who feel "normal" anxiety and can collect themselves back quicker. It is "very easy" to have this push you into feeling "defeat" because that is PTSD. Just be more aware of that and make it a conscious point to consider the positives. You "were" strong and you "did" handle the situation well.

I have to work at that "constantly" myself, and it is a challenge because the feeling of "defeat" is very strong. What I have discribed above is the one area where I truely get totally crippled. The fact that I finally pushed myself to even touch all my very sad files and get my "demand" together, is a big deal. It took "months" of finding ways to push past how my brain just shuts down whenever I went near the files.
However, the next part of finally sending it and talking with my attorney is bringing a block where I am "stuck". And even if I had my husband go with me, it doesn't work because my husband just gives in and
I end up with "two against one" and I "know" that would be way too crippling.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

What I will also say to you Big Mama, is that I work very hard at "positives". I did that constantly last year as I posted contantly to other members whatever positive I could give them.

I rarely put my own out there because I didn't want to put down the negetives I was feeling. Instead it was better for me to keep putting out positives for others. I know I was misunderstood last year as well. But now as I think back, I was running really hard from the PTSD that was constantly challenging me. I came to PC constantly to do that because what I did have that I used to utilize for "positive" in my life was destroyed. And whenever I did other things I used to do, I suffered flashbacks because I did them to get away from pain and challenges that were very hard on me.

I am actually very grateful that I found PC and had an outlet to help me try to pull through some extreme challenges. I wish I could have shown members how bad I really was sitting at my computer typing away. What I was dealing with IRL that they could not see. I was giving others so much, I knew it was what I too had been crying for as well. But "no one" heard me IRL. I somehow knew that others would probably not understand how someone could seem so strong and positive yet at the same time be suffering to the depths of her.

I do know even instinctively that "positive thinking is a must". And in so many ways, I always knew it and did it for as long as I can remember. What got me is that what I put all my positive thinking into was "destroyed". And I honestly didn't know how to explain the depths of it, and I just saw the history and didn't think anyone else could see all the pieces of the puzzle that was destroyed.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open I set here and cry more then now then I have in 38 years. Sometimes it is due to pain, sometime's it's fear, hurt, and sometimes it's the sad kind of good. (yep I'm crazy, that makes no since) I am getting out pain, I'm being heard for the first, I'm being understood for the first time,and it is making me remember things that have been long forgotten. It takes a few days to feel better but it does come and the fond memory of being heard and understood take over and I feel like it just might be ok. It always is ok, I just haven't come to realize it yet.

Rose you are so strong. Good for you for taking a stand for someone else. Even if it was in a quiet unknowing way. You did what was right because you would want someone to do the same for you. I'm sure to many times in your life you had no one to fight your battles with you, not for you, but with you. We are certinly stronger in numbers and often that is enough to stop someone who is not angry or not thinking clearly. I'm glad it all worked out ok.

Open I often forget to think, you know others don't know I have PTSD and other issues. They don't do what they do because they are trying ot be mean, it is just how they are and it is just how I react. If they knew and understood surely they would not do the things they do. I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt.

I've just started reading a book. It's called "Receiving Love". It is about how difficult it is to recieve love. Eventhough some one may lower there voice and change there tone, it is still difficult to allow and recieve touch and love. There is a difference in allowing and recieving. I really hope this book has some useful points. I hope I can remember them. W/ ADD and dyslexia, it is quite difficult to retain anything I read. But maybe this will hit home enough that it will stick for a little while.

[Open Eyes]

OHHH, I didn't know you have dislexia as well, oh that too will harbor feelings of "inadequacy" and often people with dislexia are mistreated because others are ignorant of what they can and cannot do. They do feel inadequate, but they also have a lot of drive as well. And, they "can" be very hard on themselves.

I raised a daughter with dislexia, and when she was small and trying to draw she blew into a rage and got so upset. I had never seen her do this, and it was because she was trying to draw a giraffe and could not do it. I made sure I took time out to sit with her and show her that even though she could not draw a giraffe she would turn what she did draw into something nice, even make it an adventure.

I had to spend many times talking her down from being way too hard on herself. Her trainers (horse riding trainers) all knew not to pick on her if she made mistakes at the shows because she was already much too hard on herself. I sat and talked to her trainer and we did team work to help my daughter learn how to accept mistakes and just keep learning. There was never pressure to win, my daughter put that on herself, and we had to be there to make sure she kept learning to enjoy what she did accomplish and that the rest will come.

I am wondering if your husband is also not understanding how the dislexia challenges you and he instead punishes you for things you cannot help. My daughter's boyfriend did this with her and it was "abuse" and even though she tried to explain to him how she "thinks" and "processes" information, he would still push too much at her and got mad at her if she "didn't remember everything he said".

I am so glad she finally broke up with him. He was not the type that could understand her, and he had too many issues of his own.

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open Eyes you will never believe what I found. The long lost paper about how trauma's affect the brain. I even got on the internet and looked it up and it worked. I saw exactly what I have in my hand here. After you look this up give plain old Rachels Vineyard a peek. It has a lot of stuff about trauma's related to abortion.

Good luck w/ this: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/Downl...tofBrainPP.pdf I don't know how to do the thing where you can cut and paste stuff from one place and send it to another so this will have to do.

The abortion one is www.rachelsvineyard.org

[Open Eyes]

http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/Downl...tOfBrainPP.pdf

Big Mama, this is the whole link that should bring someone to the ariticle.

Thanks for sharing, I had not seen this specific information before. Well, I have read up on PTSD alot, so I do understand alot, but I like how this explains it as well.

What I had "not" seen anything on before is "abortion" and how that also brings on PTSD or trama symptoms.

I can say that I was truely "tramatized" by that entire event and my family kept telling me to "not to think about it, it is over, get it out of your mind now" and I just could not do that, and carried it all my life in a very troubled way, feeling as though I should never discuss it or bring it up again.

It was such a painful and horrible experience. I was so alone, the people that were performing it were so cold, no calming talk and it made me feel as though I was a terrible young woman. No one talked to me about it either.

When I did have it done, there was absolutely nothing given for pain, I was wide awake and it was so terrible to go through, so incredibly painful and it seemed to go on forever. I WAS SO COMPLETELY ALONE and all I kept hearing was "don't talk about it, get it out of your mind now" and none of my family was there to see what horror I went through during the procedure. On top of that because they didn't know the truth of "why" there was also a tone of "disappointment' there as well.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I felt that something bad might happen and that somehow my punishment was going to take place. And so I was always very scared inside. I used to go walking during my pregnancy with my mother on a track and one day while I was walking there was a down's syndrome child there too. When I saw that child the fear inside of me grew to "maybe I will be punished that way".

In my nineth month, my husband went out on a binge and never came home. I was up all night and the next morning I got in my car, sat across from my little house in a church parking lot until I saw him pull into our driveway. It is the same emotional battle every time it happens, first there is incredible anger, yet, you love this person so there is also "is he ok" and if "he is ok" then I can finally let the "anger out".

Once I saw he was home and "ok" then I just wanted to "run" somewhere and be away with the anger and my thoughts of how could he do this to me when I am so very pregnant with his child? But, then there is that other deep guilt of thinking, "this is part of my punishment".

My delivery went on forever, over 30 hours and 20 was hard labor and I finally had to be given a spinal because I was way too exhausted and had not dialated enough. Always in the back of my mind "punishment" was in the making.

After I delived my daughter I could not hold her, I was shaking so much because my body went into shock. They did not show me her right away, she didn't cry right away either, and so part of my shock included a temendous fear of "punishment".

When I saw her, and she was ok, I still could not hold her because I was shaking so bad. I could not share with anyone how my brain was so worried and then so relieved.

I always felt that the more I loved her, the more something might happen to take her from me as "punishment".

I had a friend that I have talked about before and she constantly talked about abortion and that it was a sin. I always kept silent, and she would go on and on about it. She would say, what is a fetus, a peanut, a piece of fruit, and then end in saying, no it is a human being and abortion is "murder and a sin".

The only thing she did say to me one day, is that if we sin, we can still be forgiven.
She told me that all you have to do is pray and say "God forgive me if I have offended thee" and God would forgive. And I say that prayer constantly.

I wish people could understand how hard it is to struggle with PTSD. I really feel so bad for anyone that is challenged with it and often "so alone" with no one to talk to about how hard it is.

The other thing this article really hits home with is how hard it has been for me in this damn lawsuit. I kept trying to say that I needed to not have to keep remembering it so much, that I could not even touch my files. I honestly could not understand why my brain would "just shut down" every single time I went near that huge mess of papers in the corner of my computer room. I just could not understand why I could "not" go near it. The front part of my brain would tickle and just shut down. And then I would just come to PC, not wanting to think about it, and in my mind say "maybe tomarrow".

I sat across from my attorney with tears in my eyes, begging him to please get the deposition done, and that I had to have time with my therapist so I could be ready.
He listened and then said, "well, I just listened to you for almost and hour and I get paid $800 an hour so you should be "grateful". Then he forgot another one.
I even told him I was "suicidal" and HE DIDN'T LISTEN.

I really, really wish other people understood how very hard it is. I talked about "language" in a post and how those who struggle have a hard time with "language" and how important it is to "listen". I spend a lot of time helping others work through the language part of their challenges. And I often see how some struggle with trying so hard to find the "language" in their long posts. Yes, I do see the missing words and how often I have to read and try to put things together that are not there too. And then I sit and think about how I can help that person with "language" and words.

I know very intimately that the person who struggles with PTSD also struggles with a lot of "defeat" and often a "desire to give up somehow". I constantly make sure I remind them to "self care" and "do not listen to that symptom of PTSD, no matter how strong it is".

I know some people have thought the worst about me, things like "oh she must just want to be some big authority know it all, or very popular or something devious and so completely far from "my reality". Even, I think I will go after her and "put her in her place" too. Well, unfortunately PTSD leads down a road of being "very misunderstood" and there is an endless supply of "ignorance" handed to those who genuinely "struggle". What it is really all about is a tremdous effort to bring language to "self and others" that can truley bring a much needed sense of "relief" and "comfort" to those that "truely struggle" and are constantly misunderstood, by others and even themselves.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

When I suffered all that loss I just broke. And at first I was so angry, an anger that I didn't know what to do with either. But I had so many emotions I didn't know what to do with, and I was hypervigialant for months tending to so many injured animals one of which was so hard and she ended up dieing.

When I talked to any therapist I could not put into words the tremendous value of what I lost was to me. I didn't know how to explain the depths of it and I did try and I was so misunderstood.

Sitting across from my lawyer was always so hard because he always made me feel that what I lost "was not worth that much" or "what I did or had was not that valuable". His main focus was always on the horse that did have a high appraised value. Every time I was with him, and left him I drove home in tears as though I would never be able to tell people what was really lost.

I was going to include the psychological damage as well. He got my records and when I did see my records I noticed there were "wrong diagnoses" and "talk about my CSA". And it was so hard to know this man I hardly knew got to read that and know it. And then he told me that my "creepy" and "negligent and intrusive and disrespectful" neighbor would also get to know very private things about me. AND, he could do whatever he wanted with that information, even give it to the media.

How is it that someone, someone so creepy and disrespectful can just be careless and rip apart someones soul to the depths of them? Out of all the things in my past that has brought me pain, this is the worst tbh. It has torn me apart and my whole family apart as well. And my family doesn't truely understand how badly this has hurt me either. I can't seem to find the words to discribe the depths of it.

Big Mama, I am sorry, maybe I hyjacked your thread somehow? The gravity just hit me I guess. And, I guess I want you to know too, that you are not alone. I do understand how you feel the challenge too.
And I am glad that you have a "good therapist" that also understands too. I didn't get that for a long time.
So, you are very lucky to have that. I can see you are truely a good person, and I do believe that with time you will learn how to finally put your challenges to rest and find a better balance to your life. You truely "do" deserve that.

((((Big Giant Hugs)))

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open you didn't hijack my thread. (even if you did, which you didn't, we all seem to get cought up in the moment sometimes) You absolutely did not. We all share here. If I provoke you to share by all means do so. If your body and mine needs to get it out then by all means do. I don't want to trigger anyone and drive folks to talk about things they are uncomfortable with but if that is what is on your heart then please share.

I hope that article helped and thank you for putting the link in a way that it can help others. Just not something I have not learned to do yet.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I am glad you found PC Big Mama and we can all go back and forth and discuss our challenges and support each other like we do.

Sigh....I have gotten attached to some of the members here and I wish we didn't all live so far apart. I wish we had a way of being there in a physical way to offer hugs and a cup of tea and maybe even laugh sometimes too.

Whenever I play some big lotto, I dream of building a place where people can meet and talk and have that physical presence with others we share so much with.

If only right?

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes