[rainbow8]

I have to keep writing about my T because I can't keep it all inside of me, and I don't know what else to do. I could draw or write a poem, maybe. I don't know. I have many distractions but the feelings for my T are taking over, not in a necessarily bad way, but as tree said, the feelings are BIG.

Another time this happened, when I had to write on a piece of paper "you looked too good". I don't want this in the romantic subforum; it's not like that--or is it? When I walked in my session yesterday--was it ONLY yesterday, seems like ages ago--and I looked at her, I felt like I was "in love" with her, but not in an inappropriate way. I can't even verbalize how I felt without making it sound wrong. It felt right!

I was on edge the whole session because of her "little trip"--she'll be back tomorrow night and she knew that. But when she looks so cuddly (she didn't look so thin or else it didn't matter to me) like that I just want to melt into her arms. That's why the hug was so disappointing. I wanted it to last and last! But it was good enough just to sit there in the session and talk about being self-conscious at age 12. It didn't matter what we talked about.

Holding her hand felt so safe. I know I'm repeating myself from my other thread. Sorry I'm obsessing; no one has to read all this. Does it need a trigger? How could I feel so good holding T's hand? I don't why I told her I felt like my heart was breaking. I'm someone ELSE in therapy with her--not me at all. Who am I??????

[SophiaG]

First of all you're dissociating a part of yourself from yourself. Denying that it is yourself. It IS a part of yourself, even if it's hard for you to face (which it seems like it is).

Second, your T is a professional and has a professional relationship with you. Like any normal doctor would. I understand how you might get feelings for this person since you tell her your deepest darkest secrets and share your struggles with her like you can't anyone else, but at the end of the day, she is a health care professional paid to help you, and you are her client, who is seeking help.

[rainbow8]

oops, now I remember why my T doesn't want me to post about my sessions. Struggling with what to do. Keep my thoughts to myself or what?

Second, your T is a professional and has a professional relationship with you. Like any normal doctor would. I understand how you might get feelings for this person since you tell her your deepest darkest secrets and share your struggles with her like you can't anyone else, but at the end of the day, she is a health care professional paid to help you, and you are her client, who is seeking help.

Sophia, that's an oversimplification of the therapeutic relationship which isn't very helpful to me at this moment, but I do appreciate your post.

[Wren_]

((((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))))))) do you think you are answering some of your own questions as you write? ... as in, you don't think it's romance, so if not then it's something else. You "feel" like you are in love with her, but can identify it as a feeling rather than saying you "are". When you hold your T's hand .... it is feeling, what?

Is it that you need, what she's giving you there; and that's where the obsessive part comes from?

As far as whether to talk or not; do you think it helps more than it hinders?

[rainbow8]

Thank you, tigergirl, I post here often so I can process stuff and answer my own questions. It's easier than journaling and I get support at the same time. I have to keep in mind my T's reasons for my not posting, though. I have to learn to trust myself and not take all feedback personally if it doesn't fit.

I need what my T is giving me. I know she doesn't want me to try to figure it out. I don't know if talking about it helps me or not. What I want when I post is not to be alone with my feelings. I can't stand that and there's no one to talk to outside of PC. I can email my T but I already did that. I need to hear from people who understand. I hate to be alone with my feelings so that's why I'm obsessing about them and starting another thread. It's out of desperation to be understood, but sometimes I don't get that and I feel worse. My T said that we go backwards when I hear criticisms of the way she does therapy!

[Wren_]

(((((((((Rainbow))))))))))) I understand the not wanting to be alone with your feelings

When it does feel or seem like someone is criticising how you do therapy; keep in mind they are only going on the little bit they've been told, on your interpretations at that moment and on their own experiences. There is so much more to the relationship than that and what works for you may not work at all for someone else. If you can remember things like your T cares, that she has your best interests at heart, that she is a skilled professional and that the relationship is a unique one between the two of you and nobody else .... then maybe it would be easier not to get pulled by what is unhelpful?

Rain, i don't know if this has been mentioned before so sorry if this is a repeat.
first, never apologize for posting on pc... i would miss you. and we are allowed to post whatever we want within the guidelines of pc and as far as i know you have never been in trouble with the admins'

and second, here is my thought. since i don't think you are in love with your t sexually, (creepy if you were, i would not be replying) anyways, why not just go with it. allow yourself to feel these feelings, and not try to fight it, analyze it, or figure it out. maybe it is just one of those things that given in time if you don't ignore it, that some of the feeling may fade, not go away, not change, just maybe feel less intense.

i have been in therapy forever and saw a lot of t's, never did i ever begin to feel for any of them like i do for the one i see now.

forget the professional aspect of it, just allow her love to touch you, so to speak, with hand holding you might be able to enjoy it then and maybe not so much pressure for you.

sorry this is so long and again, sorry if someone else has suggested this before.
sending lots of safe hugs

[unaluna]

I think the feelings are part of the process, and this is where t's have an advantage over us. They have an intellectual understanding of
what's supposed to happen, and we have no clue. What do you suppose your reaction would be if you made one of those science fair "volcanoes" without knowing what was supposed to happen? As compared to if you had some clue to the science behind it? Maybe we can trust our dentists to fix us, but they purposely numb us! T's expect us to FEEL our way through. So IMO we don't need a dental degree to get our teeth fixed, but the more we know about psychology, the better we can participate in our own therapy.
Because look at it - how successful is the field right now? In ED? I've read articles in the past few years in the New York Times that say the field is dying. DBT is an experiment they are still trying to prove.

But some principles ARE tried and true, and "keep it in here" is one of them. T doesn't want you to burn out the angst or energy, she needs you to bring it in to her hot, like the horseshoe maker guy, what's that called? (I know you guys LOVE my examples!)

So as long as you aren't making actual plans to run off into the sunset, just use the feelings to help you make the OTHER changes you want to make in your life / in your psyche? As for posting on here, there are LOTS of things to do on here, and I don't mean the games. Many times I am the only time responding to a person in need, and you know I don't have the warmth and empathy you have. And it is INCREDIBLY rewarding, ie you will be surprised at what you learn, not just mushy stuff!

[rainbow8]

tigergirl, what you wrote is something I need to read over and over! Thank you very much.

When it does feel or seem like someone is criticising how you do therapy; keep in mind they are only going on the little bit they've been told, on your interpretations at that moment and on their own experiences. There is so much more to the relationship than that and what works for you may not work at all for someone else. If you can remember things like your T cares, that she has your best interests at heart, that she is a skilled professional and that the relationship is a unique one between the two of you and nobody else .... then maybe it would be easier not to get pulled by what is unhelpful?

jbmom: you didn't write too much at all!

forget the professional aspect of it, just allow her love to touch you, so to speak, with hand holding you might be able to enjoy it then and maybe not so much pressure for you.

That's good advice! Thank you. I'm allowing my feelings because my T tells me to be compassionate to all of my parts, but it's hard when I have such a strong reaction to her. I have to just say "I love her" and not try to figure it out. You're right. When I try to figure it out is when I get confused and embarrassed and overwhelmed. It is what it is.

hankster: thanks very much! What you wrote is very helpful.

But some principles ARE tried and true, and "keep it in here" is one of them. T doesn't want you to burn out the angst or energy, she needs you to bring it in to her hot, like the horseshoe maker guy, what's that called? (I know you guys LOVE my examples!)

[skysblue]

Rainbow - keep sharing with us. We all need a sounding board.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, skysblue. I still feel pretty much alone with my feelings but in the end, each of us IS alone because we feel things differently. I woke up at 4 a.m. and started thinking those obsessive thoughts about my T. Then I forcefully told myself I was going to meditate--concentrate on my breathing, which I did, and I fell back asleep. I felt connected to my T in a more productive way because she wants me to use meditation when I'm anxious and/or overwhelmed.

I visualize my child part reaching up to grab her around her neck and holding on for dear life! I'm truly in uncharted waters with this therapy.

[granite1]

[Sannah]

Maybe you also want to "obsess" (your words not mine!) and write here about your therapy relationship because this helps you to experience it a little longer?

It is like you have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The angel is happy that you have this relationship with your T and wants you to enjoy it and then the devil is shaming you. How to make that devil go away?

Maybe you can find some other ways to enjoy this relationship between sessions so that it can last even longer?

You deserve to enjoy this relationship Rainbow.

[rainbow8]

Ever think of becoming a T, Sannah?! You're pretty good. You're exactly right. I'm ambivalent about my relationship with my T because of past messages, including those by former T who said "I don't want to be the object of your addiction". I also used to post on a BPD forum where many of us left because we were discouraged from starting threads about our relationship and attachment to our Ts! Then, of course, there are those who trigger me on this forum!

On the opposite side, there's my T who tells me to accept all of my parts and is willing for me to hold her hand and feel close to her. Yes, the angel on my shoulder says this is wonderful and healing for me. But, at the same time the devil says "beware"!! The devil is right because I have to be careful to remember my end goal is not just to be in love with and to love my T! I don't trust myself.

Yes, I like to write about my T and post about my feelings because it's like she's here with me. I want to keep the relationship going when I'm not in my session. I know by now my T cares about me even when I'm not seeing her, but it's so good I just want to keep talking/writing about her until I get that need out of my system. Something like that, anyway.

[unaluna]

My T asked me if I was going to miss seeing him on Friday (why? I still saw him 3 times this week - sheesh!). I guess I didn't really answer the question, I just said that it seems like the closer we get, the further apart we can be. or maybe the other way around? Anyway, he goes, it's like a Möebius strip (which he mispronounced and I did NOT correct him, kudos for me) which he goes ON to explain (like I don't have a BS in math!) you form by twisting a strip of paper and then joining the ends, but then he says, so as you move along it, at any point, the farther you go, the closer you get. And he said something about object constancy. And I'm just looking at his beautiful hair and thinking, I wonder if Möebius strip wedding bands would be too uncomfortable...?!

So I think yes, EVENTUALLY we will get this need out of our system! I do think it's weakening!

[geez]

((((rainbow)))) I can relate to keeping the 'memory/feelings of T alive' by posting here. I would embrace the love and feelings you have for your T. I did and while the goodbye is quiet painful the love for me T and her care has helped me in so many ways. Time goes by so quickly. Stop and embrace every moment. I'm holding on tight to the love I have for her and will be forever thankful.

I am sorry that you hurt so much. Hugs.

[skysblue]

Rainbow - what does your fantasy look like? Let's imagine you could have whatever you wanted - with T, with life. How would it play out? Take us where you would like to go.

[rainbow8]

geez:

roseleigh: Thank you!

hankster, that's funny about the Moebius band! We've got mathematicians in the family too. I like what your T said about the farther we go, the closer we get. Thanks!

skysblue, I think your question deserves a thread!! How about starting it?
My fantasy would be to have my T in my RL, or someone who treated me just like she does! I know that you probably remember Sally Field's academy awards acceptance speech (most others are too young!) when she said "You LIKE me. You really LIKE me!" That made me cry and I still think about it. That's what I would like. I always wished I could be an actress so I could have all that attention and admiration. Basically, I want to be loved, but don't we all!

I also want to write a children's book or any other book and have it be published and leave my mark on the world that way. I don't know if it's ever going to happen though.

Back to T. The child fantasies are about her holding me. I want to be held for as long as it takes to feel safe. It could be all day. I wish she would let me hold her hand for the whole session but she won't.

I wish I could love someone in RL the way I do my T. I wish my H would treat me the way she does.

I want to connect deeply with others.

That's enough for now. I have other dreams but they are too identifying and I wouldn't want to post them.

Thanks for asking me, and if you don't start a thread on this, I will.

[rainbow8]

I just emailed my T basically what I posted in the "What you can't tell your T" thread. I said the child part wants to lie down next to her and wants her to be Mommy. I said she wants to play with her hair and wants her to tell her she loves her, and that she wants that so badly she can't breathe.

Then I asked T if I'm bad for writing that, and that I didn't write it, the child part did.

I don't think I'm going to survive this.

[rainbow8]

She emailed me that she's back in town and said we'd talk about that email and the others on Tuesday.

Well, I didn't expect anything more, but I had to email back how I know she doesn't do therapy via email and how I'm going to fantasize about what I wrote, over and over unless I can visualize my Self and my T holding that child. And that it hurts!! I wrote that I know "all parts are welcome."

Oh, I wish she had at least answered that I'm not bad for writing what I did. Her one boundary is that she won't discuss therapy in the emails!! She thanked me for sending her photos of my day trip, though! She's sticking to her boundary! I'm glad in a way because she changes her mind about other things.

So, how do I survive with what I wrote, until Tuesday???????? Anyone?????? Sorry to be a pest. I know: distract, comfort myself, etc.
Please NO ONE write that she's only my T and I'm her client. If I see that, I'm going to smash my computer, and I'm half serious about it.

On Tuesday I can talk for the whole session about that child who wants T to be Mommy. I have to wait until then.

Well, at least I have feelings now!!!!

[Wren_]

((((((((Rainbow))))))))))))

even though she didn't reply about that part of the email; she did reply about the photos and to let you know you can talk about the rest of what you said next time you see her ... those things say, she is still around, still there for you ... so, the way to survive is to hang on to that knowing that she is someone who is safe to share these thoughts with

if someone does write "that" - instead of smashing your computer (which would mean we were stuck with missing you ), remember instead that she is YOUR T and you are HER rainbow and nothing anyone says changes that

[rainbow8]

Thanks, tigergirl. I just feel like screaming or something. No one cares and I have no one to talk to who would understand. I feel so stupid having this child part who wants my T to be my Mommy. It's so childish--obviously. I want to scream it out that I want that. I'm not in a good mood now.

I had a good Mommy anyway so why am I thinking this stuff? Maybe just because I miss her. Maybe age 33 isn't old to lose a mother. Maybe she wasn't a good Mommy when I was 3 or 4 or 5. But she was, so I never will understand myself in a million years of therapy!!!!!

I want to smash this computer anyway but I won't. I keep everything inside of me until I go crazy. I can't bother my T until Tuesday unless it's an emergency but it isn't because I'm too normal.

[rainbow_rose]

rainbow, sorry i've not been able to be supportive lately... but please know i do care. you are doing good work.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I feel so stupid having this child part who wants my T to be my Mommy. It's so childish--obviously. I want to scream it out that I want that. I'm not in a good mood now.

(((((((Rainbow))))))))) I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now

I think that this thought is pretty normal. I have read so many times on this psych board and others that people so desperately wish their T was their mom. I know I have asked my T everything to "will you take me home with you" to "can we run away together"? For real! And of course, we talk about what that would be like and what my fantasy is, but there we still are, in his office, and he's still not my mom, darn it

Can you be gentle with yourself and let yourself feel what you feel? I know that for me, judging my feelings makes them feel SO SO SO much worse. You wish T was your mom. You wish that more than ANYTHING right now. And that's okay. Period.

Sending hugs and hugs