Triggered by T on FB and it's my fault

I don't know what got into me just now. I looked on FB at T's daughter's page, (that was bad in itself, I know) and suddenly there was T's page. She hasn't had one for a couple of years.

I'm triggered in a lot of ways. I know it was wrong and it's my fault I feel so bad now. She's like a celebrity to me. I was feeling so good today, and now this! It's like I deliberately want to sabotage everything. I wish she didn't have a FB page! She's got such a beautiful photo of herself and her kids, and so many people commented on that to her. She deserves the compliments--it just stirs me up inside and makes me cry.

I think I'm going to put some photos on my FB of my trip and see what happens. Yeah, I'm jealous of T.

Please, no "I told you so" comments. I already feel bad enough. I still know that T and I have a relationship even though I'm not in her personal life. I'm in her work life, and I know that's very important to her.

Aw Rainbow!

I'm sorry. Does it help to see her picture though? To bring you comfort when you aren't around her?

Oh Rainbow, this sounds really hard for you.
Do you know why you try and sabotage yourself? Have you spoken to your T about the fact that you look her up online?
Sorry, more questions than advice. But sending you lots of hugs (i hope you don't mind the hugs).

Thanks, PeeJay. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes me feel sad.

HT, I haven't looked on FB for months until very recently, and I haven't realized my T is back on FB until today. I used to talk to her about it, and told her that googling her made me feel terrible. Long ago, I promised not to look up her family on FB. She wasn't on it then. I don't know if I can tell her again. I'm too embarrassed because I'm doing so well lately, with my painting and writing, and so on. I don't know why I looked today. I really don't! I love the hugs. Thank you.

rain ...
it does seem like sabotage
what's going on?

I don't KNOW, tigergirl. I think it was curiousity that made me look, and then when I did look, it all triggered me. I thought I was "over" wanting to be in T's life. I felt SO good about her birthday gifts, and her hugging me last session. That's carried over into sharing my artwork and writing with friends, and getting praise. I feel good about myself. I'm proud of myself, not just because of the praise. I even went to do some volunteer work today that I've been putting off for months!

It hurts to see others who can really be "friends" with T but I can't. It hurts to see her with her kids. Maybe because I see myself as little with her, and I don't have my Mom. But I do have my kids. Maybe because T is pretty and I love her smile, but the smiles aren't for me. I'm trying to lose weight so I look better. I feel excluded. T has a whole life, obviously, that I'm not part of. I don't know why that hurts so much. Plus, I have to quit in March. It's just crummy. I wish I could go in tomorrow and cry before I even say anything. This is more important than the child part who has feelings about T's divorce.

It just hurts even though I know better.

Oh my goodness Rainbow. Why do you torture your stuff with looking up your T and their family? It really isn't healthy. I hope you can talk to your T about it and work through it.

Rainbow, I have the same feelings for my T. It's difficult to live with and I have to ignore the urges to pick up the phone and call her because I need her so badly. I just have no one to talk about what's going on, and with only monthly one hour appointments, it just isn't enough.

I wish I could afford to see her more as she is in private practice and has already reduced her payment rate for me. I will just have to tough it out, but it is so, so very difficult.

I haven't done it for months! We talked about it in the past and I told myself I wasn't going to look her up anymore. I don't know why I did. I didn't expect to find her on FB. I don't know why I looked up her daughter. I don't know what to tell T if I tell her about this. Maybe those threads about "real relationships" and "is it a real relationship" triggered me. I want T for myself, not anyone else. Needy child part wants her so badly it hurts. Wants her to be holding me, not her grownup kids. I know this is regressive stuf--maybe T will say "grist for the mill". Maybe there's more to work on before I have to quit.

Thank you, caseygirl. Monthly appointments sound so hard. I've been fine lately, but triggered myself. Bad thing to do.

Rainbow, have you ever considered trying to learn distraction techniques to cope with the urge to look up your T?
I mean like similar to people who self-injure, binge eat etc? It may sound like a strange idea, but it sounds like you could do with putting some practical steps into place if this happens again.
I really think that you should discuss this with your T, regardless of the embarrassment.

I do the exact same thing and feel the same way about my t. It is hard. When you figure out how to get over it let me know!

You are doing so well with the writing and artwork and that's wonderful you did some volunteering I know you mentioned the jealousy ... but also wondered if any of it connected to doing so well but then stopping and worrying; and needing to reconnect to your T in the old ways you are familiar with?

I could do that. It's just that part of me, a bigger part than I want to admit, WANTED to see those photos of T, and the comments to her. I wanted to know what others think of her, and I'm glad she's well-liked. I like looking at her photo. I know it's this whole addiction, thing, and yes--she'll probably be "glad" to talk to me about addiction, since she just took a course on it. I don't know if I can, though. I hate disappointing her so much. I'd rather tell her about painting, and doing well. I don't want her to know I cheated, and how I wanted to do it, and couldn't stop myself. But she's my T so I have to tell her, I guess. Oh, yuck. I don't feel good about this. It hurts my stomach.

Maybe......thanks, tg. Maybe I want to connect with T in old ways. I want to be little with her, not always be an adult. I also still feel "in love" with her. I can't deny that. That won't go away for years. I know from past experiences with others I've felt like that about. I'll probably die with these feelings for her. Sorry so morbid.

You don't have to tell her, actually. You could accept that you wanted to do this and did so. Own it and then move on with your life. [And please hear that in the non-judgmental, very kind way I mean it. I am truly not busting on you here.] Seriously, this does not have to be this huge deal. Put it behind you and just talk about what you want to talk about and let go of the guilt and self flagellation. Maybe one of the steps in getting over this thing with your T is to resist the urge to tell her everything, and keep working on not googling her, etc. One mistake does mean a total relapse. Back on the wagon, Woman!

Rainbow
It is sabotage, why do you feel the need to hurt yourself so much? It's addictive isn't it?
You said you need to lose weight and out yourself down so much, when the reality is you are volunteering, you always help people on here, you are never mean but you are only mean to Rainbow.
Is it to do with your conditions of worth? The things we were told when we were growing up. Were you out down and excluded?
How do you know that your t is not jealous of you and your life, just because t appears to be happy on Facebook you can't trust this because people have facades on that website. They pretend to be happy but a lot of the times they aren't.
The sooner you accept yourself and the precious being you are the sooner t and her private life won't seem as important to you

Thanks, MKAC. I see your point but I'm not sure if I'll tell her or not until I face her tomorrow. She knows me very well and it's hard to fake what I'm feeling. It's not just that I looked, but the feelings that it triggers. If it's transference stuff, maybe I have more to talk about. If it's jealousy, why am I so jealous of her? If I idolize her, why do I do that? How do I go so suddenly from "I like T very much and that's okay" to "I'm in love with T and I can't tolerate those feelings". I want to know what's underneath it and get help. I think it was littleme who posted to me "what do I want from my T?" Is it love? Is it that simple? Or that complex? Is it because she's so confident, pretty, sweet, and talented? Is it all transference, or not?

Even if I don't go on FB again, I can't forget the photos and the comments. They make me like T more than ever.

mona, you are so nice to me too. Yes, it's addictive, and I don't know why I want to sabotage everything and hurt myself. Thank you for your nice words.

Kids in school excluded me, but not to the extent that it should cause me to feel this bad about myself. My parents were there but I somehow felt "not good enough". I'm never good enough the way I am.

My T isn't pretending anything on FB. She's her natural self; they were photos and comments by others. She deserves for people to like her; she's a good person.

I know I'm a good person too. My T tells me things I do better than she does. I feel like I'm infatuated with her and want to know every detail about her. I don't think that's ever going to go away. It hasn't after almost 4 years!

Sorry

I made that same mistake. I was looking at my ex-t's daughter's fb page and her profile picture was of her and ex-t, standing in front of some ski resort. It made me so hurt because I know that whenever my ex-t was on vacation, she was skiing with her family and friends. She went skiing almost every weekend during the winter and so I missed a lot of weekend appointments. It made me want to hate her daughter for taking ex-t away from me, even though I know that my ex-t was entitled to her own personal life. I can totally relate to how you are feeling

Aaaaaaahh! This is making me want to fb my t!! If I do, I'll just blame it on you

I think MKAC has nailed it. There has always seemed to me something very unhealthy in the feel of your need to do these things and then tell your T about them. There's a confessional quality to it all that feels to me as if it feeds the unhealthy urge rather than diminish and get past it. The "confession" is like a reliving of the excited and obsessional feelings. Perhaps your motivation in telling is the excited experience of it, rather than gaining the insight to stop it. Let it go for at least a session and see how it feels. You can always tell her later if the pressure becomes unbearable--but you will have had the experience of observing and trying to control your feelings.

On another thread tonight you wrote to your T not to change her settings on FB because you like to see her pictures. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on your part, but it sounds like you want to continue to go into her FB page. Perhaps just a "wish", but I'm not sure indulging those kinds of fantasies is a particularly good coping skill.

It almost seems that you have created this little "crisis" with FB as a way to pull in your T to conversations about her (which is what you like to do instead of dealing with your own issues in your sessions). You've expressed multiple times how it bothers you when you want to talk about her and your feelings for her, but she doesn't let you go there like you want. Is this a subconscious ploy to pull her into your fantasies about how much you love her, etc. and get that focus back there?

I agree with MKAC and Feral. You need to try to sit on this one for a few weeks without bringing it up to your T. I think you really want to create this little crisis with her as a way to get those feelings back for her. Don't indulge that urge. Instead, give it time to blow past. It will if you allow it to instead of fixating on it and turning it into the focus of your therapy existence for the next several weeks (which is what is probably going to happen if you get your way).

You like to talk about your child parts, and your T wants you to stop letting the child parts run the show. Well there you are. If you indulge this child in this behavior as a way to get attention (which is what it is feeling like from this perspective), the child is running the show. Use your adult self to rein that child in, cope in healthy adult ways, and move past this on your own.

Wow, just wow! This information has helped 'me' see what I've been doing in my own session. Thank you for being honest and forthright. Sometimes it's just what one needs to see clarity.

I'm not sure if it will help the original poster (Rainbow), but it certainly has helped me.

Thank you!

I'm with sierra, MKAC, and feral as well. This is just a bump in the road. Try to let it be what it is and no more.

When we are trying to change our thoughts/behaviors it takes time, and we all fall off the wagon so to speak.

The key is just to get right back on it and keep it in perspective.

You'll be alright. These things happen and they just really don't have to be that big of a deal.

Thank you. I'm crying but you're right. It's a vicious cycle once I get on it. I will try not to tell my T today. I'll try to talk about other stuff.

I'll try. Really I will. I'll bring some artwork I'm working on to talk about, and switch the focus. I can't talk about art the whole session, though. So if I want to talk about feeling left out, like with my grandson, it may just come out that I feel left out of T's life. I have to censor myself and I'm not good at doing that with T. Reading these posts makes me cry because you hit on the truth and that hurts. Also, how can I talk about feelings in my body when T asks me, and I feel my "quicksand" feeling? I have to hide that it's about her. I have to honestly have something else to focus on. I guess the 4 year old who has feelings about T's divorce is out too, huh? I'm not being sarcastic, just trying to find another focus. My marriage? Yeah, and that makes me think about T. Maybe my messy house and how I feel helpless about it. And getting old. Two serious issues for me.

I'm glad it helped you, bunnylove.
Thanks, elliemay. I have to try. I'm not sure I can do it, though. T knows me very well. I do know what she'll say already though. "Don't go on FB--or why did I do it?" " Let's just notice that those feelings for me are there." She will try to minimize it. That makes it worse. She knows about the "in love" part and those that love her already. I just don't know how I'm going to sit and look at her without those feelings coming up.

My opinion - I don't think it's supportive to tell someone to stifle their feelings when seeing their t. Also my t's opinion, as I asked him about this yesterday. I told him I felt like people were contradicting me, and he saidwell yes, your mother would contradict you and give you terrible advice that sounded good, but it was just in opposition to what you were saying. So that explains why I saw stars! This advice sounds good, but I dont feel holding back the truth, especially when you are running out of time, is a good plan. Plus I think this t needs some supervision - she is all over the place and not handling a fairly simple transference. Hell I could handle it better. Pardon my french.