[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm sorry to post this. I has nothing to do with the holidays and it's a bit of a delayed reaction. And sorry for the length.

I'm devastated.

A year ago, I made a deal with my doctors to work on my physical and mental health for a year and the OB/GYN will prescribe me Clomid to help me get pregnant. The year is up. I am stable on my psych med, have my diabetes under control, have a lot more coping skills, and am more stable. I asked my primary, Pdoc, and T if I had their support. They said yes.

But...

My Pdoc wants me to start DBT before I get pregnant. She also wants my fiance to be in therapy for his anger and stress to prove that he's putting forth effort that he wants to be a good H and father. And she wanted me to talk to him about boundaries concerning abuse and the consequences. These are not requirements, but preferences.

My T also wants me to put off getting pregnant until I start DBT. Again, it's her preference.

I know they are "right". But...

1. I might not be able to go to DBT. T, Pdoc, and primary feel I would really benefit from it. Insurance has agreed to it. I have agreed to try it and keep an open mind. But the clinic's director doesn’t want to let me continue to see my T while in DBT. I will not give up my T. Going back to the county clinic will be traumatizing in itself, let alone having to go to a group, be around strangers, and not having my Pdoc. There are no other options for DBT that I can afford in ALL of San Diego. It's bs.

2. The women in my family have a history of reproductive issues. It took my mom 5 years to have me and that's with medical assistance. She also had to have 3 hysterectomes (yes, 3) at the age of 32. I'm 32... My younger sister had to have an ovary removed at the age of 24. And I have been trying to get pregnant naturally for 9 years... My hormones are just so out of whack. So my "biological clock" is ticking loudly.

3. I know my fiamce needs therapy, but I can't force him to do anything.

4. I also know the possible risks of pregnancy and for my child. There's everything from miscarriage, hormone issues, mood swings, extreme diet due to diabetes, and postpartum depression. For the baby, there's the genetic factor of BPD, other genetic issues (known and possible), my psych meds affecting the baby, my diabetesaffecting the baby, etc. If my child is exposed to abuse, s/he is at greater risk of mental health issues.

I know it's my choice in the end. But I want to do what's right for my child. And I know my T and Pdoc are just stating the facts and care about my wellbeing. I decided to follow my doctors' advice and put off getting pregnant...

It hurts. It's my dream being taken away from me. I'm waiting for that "perfect" time, but it's never going to come. I'm always going to be at risk for myself and a child. I feel like just giving up. My dream was finally obtainable and now it's gone again. What's the point of trying? And maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom. Maybe I would do harm just by creating a person genetically related to me. Does the fact that this is so upsetting evidence that I'm not ready to be a mom? Where does the line of desire vs. selfishness exist? I mean, at least I'm not having a child "on accident", unprepared, for money, to save a relationship, for attention, etc. And I only want 1 child.

It's not fair because I wouldn't even be having these discussions with my doctors if I didn't need medical assistance. And I have always been open and honest with them, and have put forth 100% effort into my treatment. And it's not fair that so many women get to make the decision themselves.

And it's embarrassing and demeaning to have to ask for permission to get pregnant. They got to choose to have their children and when. But because I happen to need assistance and I have mental health issues, I must seek approval. I know it's not a must, but it's close enough. They have the power to tell my OB/GYN no.

Sorry for the long back story.

Here's my issue: everything I wrote is so painful to verbalize. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I think I need to tell my T about this, but I don't know how. I'm not allowed to email things like this that require a discussion. I can't print this and give it to her because she won't read it. And she knows most of this anyways. But she doesn't understand the pain. When she talked about some of this last week with me, I had to use every bit of strength I had to hold back the tears...and some still fell. I begged her to stop talking, but she wouldn't. I have no clue how to get help/support. But I think I really need it.

I really need some support right now. And if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Should I email anyways the night before session? Should I try to talk even though there's a high chance of a breakdown? Do I "suck it up" because it is the "right" choice and try to cope on my own? I don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and hurting so much. It's the holidays when you give and recieve gifts. I just got the biggest gift of my life taken away from me.

[JaneTennison1]

It's not taken away from you as it is your choice. You can go against them and do as you feel right. Yet you are held back by what they say so I wonder if you know their concerns are valid and rather than grieving what they are taking away you should be grieving that staying in this unhealthy situation means you cannot do the things you desire.

Either way I understand the pain (sadly I do) that not having a child can cause and I send so much love.

[granite1]

i think it is amazing about how responsible you are being around this decision. that just shows what a wonderful mom you will be when you get pregnant. all this sounds so painful for you .i don't have a lot of answers for you but tons of hugs if you want them .if you can try to let your T know again how hard this is for you. maybe try to tell her she needs to listen to you . so maybe the decision to wait has been made but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt horribly and that you need support around this

You've done all the right things and are continuing to make good decisions, as hard as it is. I think many of us here on PC would have appreciated parents who put our well being and future over their wants. That's rare and wonderful quality.

I needed to use my session last night to talk about something very difficult, so I called the day before and left a message that I needed to talk about X and did not want to let myself get sidetracked, that I just needed to get it out. I'm glad I locked myself in like that. It went amazingly well. Could you send an email like that, saying you want to spend the session talking about the pregnancy, and that you need to state that ahead of time to hold yourself accountable for saying what you need to say?

[HazelGirl]

your fiancé is very abusive. I agree with them that you shouldn't be having a child with him. Would you want him to treat your child the way he treats you? That's going to happen if you have a kid.

[SnakeCharmer]

Scarlet, I'm so sorry you're in this pain. I have no advice. I have no bio children because medical, psychological and genetic issues made getting pregnant an unsafe choice for both me and a child. But there is no shortage of children in my life and out there and needing the love and support of an adult who has their stuff together enough to give it.

As granite said, you're being amazingly responsible with this heart-rending decision. I'm impressed as all get out with you, as always. Sending you bountiful hugs and love and hope and good wishes.

[SallyBrown]

Scarlet,

I've been away from this site for a long time so I may be asking something you've made clear before, but why do you want to avoid breaking down in session? Not that I don't get it -- I do, in fact, I still find myself holding back tears in session even when what I would like to do is cry and have my T see how upset I am. But I'm wondering what it is for you. Sessions are for exactly this, for showing how much emotion you're really feeling. So yes, I would say, talk about it, and let the tears flow, even though that might be terrifying.

One other thing I would like to add: I am 31, almost 32. I had wanted a baby for a very long time, but was either in school, in a crappy relationship, or both. My friends were having babies and I had to step away from Facebook for a long time because it hurt to see all their sweet little ones, and it made me upset with myself because I wanted to be happy for them, not sorry for myself. I had an unplanned pregnancy that ended quickly in a miscarriage, and it was devastating.

I am saying this to you because 6 months ago I did have a baby, and I wanted to tell you: I am happy I waited. You are struggling so much now, grieving constantly for a dream you fear you will have to one day put to rest completely, and I am truly sorry. What Granite said is true -- when you DO have a baby one day, he or she will be lucky to have a mom that tried to make it right for them. But as I am sure many people have told you, having a little baby is hard, really hard, and I am living that right now. If my H had not put forth the effort to be the better H he is today, it would be awful right now. The baby would still bring me joy, but dealing with him while attending to the baby's needs 24/7 with no time for myself would have been hell. And that hell would almost certainly have eaten into the joy I would feel with my baby, and that would be awful for my little one. It's already very hard sometimes if H slips back into his old patterns.

I know this does not ease your suffering, but just know that even though you are suffering, you are doing the right thing by waiting. And please, if you have a baby with a partner, make that a supportive partner -- not an abusive one. It will be worth the wait, I promise.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

It's not taken away from you as it is your choice. You can go against them and do as you feel right. Yet you are held back by what they say so I wonder if you know their concerns are valid and rather than grieving what they are taking away you should be grieving that staying in this unhealthy situation means you cannot do the things you desire.

Either way I understand the pain (sadly I do) that not having a child can cause and I send so much love.

I could go against their advice. That is an option. But their is advice is valid. If I make the choice to become pregnant w/o listening and following advice, I feel the choice is selfish. My dream of having a baby isn't just to have a baby. It's also to provide the best life for that baby that I can. I'm not going to change my decision to wait. But it hurts. And the risk might be that I will never have a child.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by granite1

i think it is amazing about how responsible you are being around this decision. that just shows what a wonderful mom you will be when you get pregnant. all this sounds so painful for you .i don't have a lot of answers for you but tons of hugs if you want them .if you can try to let your T know again how hard this is for you. maybe try to tell her she needs to listen to you . so maybe the decision to wait has been made but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt horribly and that you need support around this

Exactly. I just desperately need her support and empathy right now.

And I like hugs (least cyber hugs )

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

You've done all the right things and are continuing to make good decisions, as hard as it is. I think many of us here on PC would have appreciated parents who put our well being and future over their wants. That's rare and wonderful quality.

I needed to use my session last night to talk about something very difficult, so I called the day before and left a message that I needed to talk about X and did not want to let myself get sidetracked, that I just needed to get it out. I'm glad I locked myself in like that. It went amazingly well. Could you send an email like that, saying you want to spend the session talking about the pregnancy, and that you need to state that ahead of time to hold yourself accountable for saying what you need to say?

After reading all the responses, I did email my T. I told her I can't cope with thos on my own and I need her support. I told her how severely I'm struggling. I also wrote that even though I don't want to talk about it, I "need" to. So hopefully that will keep me accountable.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I could go against their advice. That is an option. But their is advice is valid. If I make the choice to become pregnant w/o listening and following advice, I feel the choice is selfish. My dream of having a baby isn't just to have a baby. It's also to provide the best life for that baby that I can. I'm not going to change my decision to wait. But it hurts. And the risk might be that I will never have a child.

sorry mybe the written word isn't clear. My point is that you use language like your dream being taken away but it isn't taken away it's a choice you have made ( a good one I'd say) so rather than grieve your choice being taken away maybe grieve what you are giving up for this relationship.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

your fiancé is very abusive. I agree with them that you shouldn't be having a child with him. Would you want him to treat your child the way he treats you? That's going to happen if you have a kid.

I knew someone would respond this way, and I do understand why. I've heard it a lot.

But, my T and Pdoc have never said they don't want me having a child with my fiance. They did, however, tell me that I need to be aware of the situation and put down boundaries. I have discussed these boundaries with my fiance.

No one can predict the future. But there are many scenarios that can be played out. Everything can turn out okay, he could go to therapy and better himself, I could choose to be a single mom...

The dynamic of my relationship with my fiance is much more complicated than "he's an abuser". My Pdoc did say I should have left when he broke my elbow. My T agreed. But since, they are actually supportive of me staying in the relationship. It would take too long to explain it. But as abusive as my fiance can be, he is also someome who is beneficial in my life.

I wouldn't dare let anyone harm my baby, nor my dogs. I take fully responsibility for making sure they're happy, safe, and taken care of. And just as I am in therapy to keep myself accountable for my life, I would also have other support to make sure I'm accountable for my baby. One example: postpartum depression. I hope I don't experience this, but there's an extremely high chance. My family is aware of this. So if I do experience it, they know that they will have to carry some of the responsibilities for me.

I probably didn't explain myself enough. And while your concerns are legitimate concerns, it is only a minor factor in my decision.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Scarlet,

I've been away from this site for a long time so I may be asking something you've made clear before, but why do you want to avoid breaking down in session? Not that I don't get it -- I do, in fact, I still find myself holding back tears in session even when what I would like to do is cry and have my T see how upset I am. But I'm wondering what it is for you. Sessions are for exactly this, for showing how much emotion you're really feeling. So yes, I would say, talk about it, and let the tears flow, even though that might be terrifying.

One other thing I would like to add: I am 31, almost 32. I had wanted a baby for a very long time, but was either in school, in a crappy relationship, or both. My friends were having babies and I had to step away from Facebook for a long time because it hurt to see all their sweet little ones, and it made me upset with myself because I wanted to be happy for them, not sorry for myself. I had an unplanned pregnancy that ended quickly in a miscarriage, and it was devastating.

I am saying this to you because 6 months ago I did have a baby, and I wanted to tell you: I am happy I waited. You are struggling so much now, grieving constantly for a dream you fear you will have to one day put to rest completely, and I am truly sorry. What Granite said is true -- when you DO have a baby one day, he or she will be lucky to have a mom that tried to make it right for them. But as I am sure many people have told you, having a little baby is hard, really hard, and I am living that right now. If my H had not put forth the effort to be the better H he is today, it would be awful right now. The baby would still bring me joy, but dealing with him while attending to the baby's needs 24/7 with no time for myself would have been hell. And that hell would almost certainly have eaten into the joy I would feel with my baby, and that would be awful for my little one. It's already very hard sometimes if H slips back into his old patterns.

I know this does not ease your suffering, but just know that even though you are suffering, you are doing the right thing by waiting. And please, if you have a baby with a partner, make that a supportive partner -- not an abusive one. It will be worth the wait, I promise.

I don't like to cry in therapy, but I do it almost every session. My fear with talking about this is that I have a complete breakdown...as in a full on crisis.

Thank you for writing about your experience. It gives me some hope for my own.

I am aware of the difficulties of being a parent. My mom owned a preschool growing up and I always helped out after school. My little sister is 8 years younger, so I helped my mom with her. And my nephews are 11 years and 13 years younger, and I helped with them too. But I also know that having your own child and having full responsibility is different.

As for my fiance....as I said in another response...that's complicated. But I guess, just as I trusted my doctors advice to wait a little longer, maybe you can trust that the situation with my fiance is known and they do advise me on that too.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

sorry mybe the written word isn't clear. My point is that you use language like your dream being taken away but it isn't taken away it's a choice you have made ( a good one I'd say) so rather than grieve your choice being taken away maybe grieve what you are giving up for this relationship.

I did understand in both your replies. No need to apologize. I just didn't respond to that part.

I just don't think I've made it clear that my relationship isn't making me give up on getting pregnant. My Pdoc has concerns about my fiance which is why she wanted me to discuss boundaries with him. She would also like him to go to therapy. But those are not requirements. In fact none of their advice were requirements. I already have their support to get pregnant. Also, one of their advice is to start DBT. I also agree with this (if it's possible). But I believe that waiting is the best choice for me right now. Do I know when the right time is? Nope. But I know it isn't right now.

But it doesn't take away the pain. And I don't even know how to describe the pain. But it's there and I need help to lessen it so that I keep myself safe.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't like to cry in therapy, but I do it almost every session. My fear with talking about this is that I have a complete breakdown...as in a full on crisis.

Thank you for writing about your experience. It gives me some hope for my own.

I am aware of the difficulties of being a parent. My mom owned a preschool growing up and I always helped out after school. My little sister is 8 years younger, so I helped my mom with her. And my nephews are 11 years and 13 years younger, and I helped with them too. But I also know that having your own child and having full responsibility is different.

As for my fiance....as I said in another response...that's complicated. But I guess, just as I trusted my doctors advice to wait a little longer, maybe you can trust that the situation with my fiance is known and they do advise me on that too.

Don't get me wrong -- it's clear to me from the way you write about that you know that having a baby isn't a walk in the park. I know people who thought having a baby would be easy, and you are nothing like them. I say what I did because although I managed to dodge the bullet of postpartum depression (I did have the "baby blues" for about 2 weeks, but thankfully it lifted after that), having a small child was strikingly similar to being depressed in a way I hadn't thought about before, despite having cared for younger siblings, cousins, neighborhood children, etc. Not leaving the house. Not sleeping. Constant physical pain (breastfeeding was very difficult for me, and I injured myself during delivery). Being too exhausted and frazzled to have visitors, but desperately lonely from being exhausted and frazzled. It's all worth it, and I am certain you'll do it all and then some when the time comes, but just think about being persistently in a depressed-like state, and then your F acting up in whatever way it is he usually acts up.

I make no assumptions about whether he's the right man to have baby with, particularly since there was a time I would have gotten the same response you did given the way my H treated me. I'm in a glass house, which is why I am taking the time to respond to you. However, what I *am* saying is -- and it's free advice so you can take it or leave it -- it may be a work in progress, but make sure the progress is at a point where you trust this person to check himself when you are as vulnerable as you can imagine yourself. I say this as someone who is also with someone she should have left at certain breaking points, but has stayed and turned it into a stable relationship. It was worth waiting for the stability.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Don't get me wrong -- it's clear to me from the way you write about that you know that having a baby isn't a walk in the park. I know people who thought having a baby would be easy, and you are nothing like them. I say what I did because although I managed to dodge the bullet of postpartum depression (I did have the "baby blues" for about 2 weeks, but thankfully it lifted after that), having a small child was strikingly similar to being depressed in a way I hadn't thought about before, despite having cared for younger siblings, cousins, neighborhood children, etc. Not leaving the house. Not sleeping. Constant physical pain (breastfeeding was very difficult for me, and I injured myself during delivery). Being too exhausted and frazzled to have visitors, but desperately lonely from being exhausted and frazzled. It's all worth it, and I am certain you'll do it all and then some when the time comes, but just think about being persistently in a depressed-like state, and then your F acting up in whatever way it is he usually acts up.

I make no assumptions about whether he's the right man to have baby with, particularly since there was a time I would have gotten the same response you did given the way my H treated me. I'm in a glass house, which is why I am taking the time to respond to you. However, what I *am* saying is -- and it's free advice so you can take it or leave it -- it may be a work in progress, but make sure the progress is at a point where you trust this person to check himself when you are as vulnerable as you can imagine yourself. I say this as someone who is also with someone she should have left at certain breaking points, but has stayed and turned it into a stable relationship. It was worth waiting for the stability.

I 100% agree with you. It's one thing going at it alone. It's a whole other thing having to also then deal with my fiance. I have told him. I don't know if he gets it. If he does, he'll go to therapy. I don't lie, and have told him everything my T and Pdoc have said. I have also told him that he's holding back "our" dream. When I told him that if I do get pregnant and he doesn't change, I will leave him. He cried. He said he didn't want that. He wants to be a part of his child's life especially since his own father walked out on him. I explained that even the little fights can't happen. Babbies are aware. They are aware when they're in the womb and when they're born. And if he causes me to have breakdowns when pregnant, it increases my hormones which will affect the baby.

I'm not making excuses, please understand that when reading this next part. He's only been physically abusive twice to me. I know...it should be never. The last time was an accident, but still it caused my elbow to break. The cops warned him that next time he'll be put in jail with or w/o my consent. Plus, my entire family has told him that if he ever harms me again, they'll be coming for him...and that's coming from gang members, bikers, etc. Most of the time it's verbal and emotional abuse. Still not acceptable especially given my mental health. He knows he's risking my life when he does it.

Since breaking my elbow, he's been a lot better. But ultimately, I would like to see him in therapy so he can learn to cope with his own anger and stress and learn how to communicate better. He is a good guy, but he's not as emotionally healthy as he needs to be.

But I do understand everyone's concern.

But I also don't want that to be the sole focus. I understand if I was contemplating right now, but that's not the case. My decision is "set in stone". I even emailed the OB/GYN that I am putting it off for awhile. I didn't make this decision lightly and I wasn't forced or required to make it. It was my choice. Because it is the "right" choice for me and a baby.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I 100% agree with you. It's one thing going at it alone. It's a whole other thing having to also then deal with my fiance. I have told him. I don't know if he gets it. If he does, he'll go to therapy. I don't lie, and have told him everything my T and Pdoc have said. I have also told him that he's holding back "our" dream. When I told him that if I do get pregnant and he doesn't change, I will leave him. He cried. He said he didn't want that. He wants to be a part of his child's life especially since his own father walked out on him. I explained that even the little fights can't happen. Babbies are aware. They are aware when they're in the womb and when they're born. And if he causes me to have breakdowns when pregnant, it increases my hormones which will affect the baby.

I'm not making excuses, please understand that when reading this next part. He's only been physically abusive twice to me. I know...it should be never. The last time was an accident, but still it caused my elbow to break. The cops warned him that next time he'll be put in jail with or w/o my consent. Plus, my entire family has told him that if he ever harms me again, they'll be coming for him...and that's coming from gang members, bikers, etc. Most of the time it's verbal and emotional abuse. Still not acceptable especially given my mental health. He knows he's risking my life when he does it.

Since breaking my elbow, he's been a lot better. But ultimately, I would like to see him in therapy so he can learn to cope with his own anger and stress and learn how to communicate better. He is a good guy, but he's not as emotionally healthy as he needs to be.

But I do understand everyone's concern.

But I also don't want that to be the sole focus. I understand if I was contemplating right now, but that's not the case. My decision is "set in stone". I even emailed the OB/GYN that I am putting it off for awhile. I didn't make this decision lightly and I wasn't forced or required to make it. It was my choice. Because it is the "right" choice for me and a baby.

I'm glad to hear you're working on it. I hesitated to respond because I don't want to derail your thread, which is really about something else, but I just hear a fair amount of myself in you (I even said something similar to my H once, about leaving if I didn't think he could be there as a dad) and so wanted to say something.

Either way, I do hope you talk to your T about this -- perhaps with plenty of warning that you may have a full breakdown and you will need a lot of support to keep that from happening? -- because it's so important. And I wish you luck on your journey to becoming a mom. As I told some friends who have been forced to wait for their own reasons, you're ALREADY a good mom, by thinking so much about what is good for your baby, before you even HAVE your baby.

[nottrustin]

Scarlet I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some great advice but it sounds like you have a support team who knows you well and really cares. I know the decision you made is difficult for you but also so very strong. This is one of those situations where there is no clear cut perfect answer. Just know that I am thinking of you.

[Crook32]

Have you ever considered adoption? There are other ways to be a mom without getting pregnant. I have 2 adopted boys and I couldn't love them anymore even though they aren't biologically related.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Crook32

Have you ever considered adoption? There are other ways to be a mom without getting pregnant. I have 2 adopted boys and I couldn't love them anymore even though they aren't biologically related.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes, I have. And I would love and cherish any child of my own no matter if they're biologically mine or not. There's only 2 reasons I prefer to have a biological child over adopting. 1. Cheaper. 2. I want the whole experience: feeling the fetus grow, kick, move. Yes, going through labor. Breastfeeding, diapers, middle of the night feedings. I want to experience the joys and the pains, crazy, huh?

With adoption, I would want it to be a baby. Again, so I can experience as much of motherhood as possible. And my fiance would want it to be from Italy or Russia. Though, Italy doesn't adopt out to people who aren't citizens of Italy. And I think Russian babies are quite in demand.

Adoption has a lot of pro's though for me physically and mentally. I won't have to go off my meds. I can probably skip postpartum. The child won't have my genetic problems. I also wouldn't have to worry about my infertility and getting medical assistance. And most importantly, I would be providing a child who is in need the best opportunity I can give at a quality life.

It is definitely an option though. For now, natural or adoption still must wait. The coping skills from DBT will help greatly for coping with the pains of motherhood. And my fiance still would need to demonstrate effort in some way shape or form.

I think it's awesome you adopted your boys. And I thank you for bringing this up. It does make the "time crunch" I'm feeling less important. And it is just as good of an option when it come to living my dream.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

I'm glad to hear you're working on it. I hesitated to respond because I don't want to derail your thread, which is really about something else, but I just hear a fair amount of myself in you (I even said something similar to my H once, about leaving if I didn't think he could be there as a dad) and so wanted to say something.

Either way, I do hope you talk to your T about this -- perhaps with plenty of warning that you may have a full breakdown and you will need a lot of support to keep that from happening? -- because it's so important. And I wish you luck on your journey to becoming a mom. As I told some friends who have been forced to wait for their own reasons, you're ALREADY a good mom, by thinking so much about what is good for your baby, before you even HAVE your baby.

I didn't feel you were derailing my thread. I'm glad you posted your experience. It gives me hope. I hope my fiance can change his life. If he knew how to cope with his stress and if he'd learn how to communicate when he is emotional, our problems would be so minimal. So I hope that my situation turns out similar to yours.

I also just didn't want people to concentrate on my fiance. He is a part of this, but it's not really something in my control so it doesn't help to process that aspect.

I just want to make as many good and healthy decisions as I can. There are no perfect answers nor timing. There will always be risk involved. I just don't want to completely lose the opportunity. I mean, if I could see the future and it showed that the "perfect" time to have my child would be in 10 years and that I would have a child...I'd wait the 10years. No problem. But I can't see the future. So if I wait, I might not be able to physically get pregnant even with assistance. There is adoption like Crook32 reminded me. It's just so difficult. I just want the best that I can give to a child. It's no dream to become a mom and then mess up your child's life. That would be the worst thing I could do in life. It would be my living nightmare.

But again, I'm glad you did write me your experience. I'm more than happy to take any type of hope I can find. So long as there's hope, I will continue to fight for my dream.

[Tangerine87]

if I was in your shoes, I would have the baby. Like you said, your biological clock is ticking. Nobody can take away that right from you.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm sorry to post this. I has nothing to do with the holidays and it's a bit of a delayed reaction. And sorry for the length.

I'm devastated.

A year ago, I made a deal with my doctors to work on my physical and mental health for a year and the OB/GYN will prescribe me Clomid to help me get pregnant. The year is up. I am stable on my psych med, have my diabetes under control, have a lot more coping skills, and am more stable. I asked my primary, Pdoc, and T if I had their support. They said yes.

But...

My Pdoc wants me to start DBT before I get pregnant. She also wants my fiance to be in therapy for his anger and stress to prove that he's putting forth effort that he wants to be a good H and father. And she wanted me to talk to him about boundaries concerning abuse and the consequences. These are not requirements, but preferences.

My T also wants me to put off getting pregnant until I start DBT. Again, it's her preference.

I know they are "right". But...

1. I might not be able to go to DBT. T, Pdoc, and primary feel I would really benefit from it. Insurance has agreed to it. I have agreed to try it and keep an open mind. But the clinic's director doesn’t want to let me continue to see my T while in DBT. I will not give up my T. Going back to the county clinic will be traumatizing in itself, let alone having to go to a group, be around strangers, and not having my Pdoc. There are no other options for DBT that I can afford in ALL of San Diego. It's bs.

2. The women in my family have a history of reproductive issues. It took my mom 5 years to have me and that's with medical assistance. She also had to have 3 hysterectomes (yes, 3) at the age of 32. I'm 32... My younger sister had to have an ovary removed at the age of 24. And I have been trying to get pregnant naturally for 9 years... My hormones are just so out of whack. So my "biological clock" is ticking loudly.

3. I know my fiamce needs therapy, but I can't force him to do anything.

4. I also know the possible risks of pregnancy and for my child. There's everything from miscarriage, hormone issues, mood swings, extreme diet due to diabetes, and postpartum depression. For the baby, there's the genetic factor of BPD, other genetic issues (known and possible), my psych meds affecting the baby, my diabetesaffecting the baby, etc. If my child is exposed to abuse, s/he is at greater risk of mental health issues.

I know it's my choice in the end. But I want to do what's right for my child. And I know my T and Pdoc are just stating the facts and care about my wellbeing. I decided to follow my doctors' advice and put off getting pregnant...

It hurts. It's my dream being taken away from me. I'm waiting for that "perfect" time, but it's never going to come. I'm always going to be at risk for myself and a child. I feel like just giving up. My dream was finally obtainable and now it's gone again. What's the point of trying? And maybe I'm just not meant to be a mom. Maybe I would do harm just by creating a person genetically related to me. Does the fact that this is so upsetting evidence that I'm not ready to be a mom? Where does the line of desire vs. selfishness exist? I mean, at least I'm not having a child "on accident", unprepared, for money, to save a relationship, for attention, etc. And I only want 1 child.

It's not fair because I wouldn't even be having these discussions with my doctors if I didn't need medical assistance. And I have always been open and honest with them, and have put forth 100% effort into my treatment. And it's not fair that so many women get to make the decision themselves.

And it's embarrassing and demeaning to have to ask for permission to get pregnant. They got to choose to have their children and when. But because I happen to need assistance and I have mental health issues, I must seek approval. I know it's not a must, but it's close enough. They have the power to tell my OB/GYN no.

Sorry for the long back story.

Here's my issue: everything I wrote is so painful to verbalize. Just thinking about it brings me to tears. I think I need to tell my T about this, but I don't know how. I'm not allowed to email things like this that require a discussion. I can't print this and give it to her because she won't read it. And she knows most of this anyways. But she doesn't understand the pain. When she talked about some of this last week with me, I had to use every bit of strength I had to hold back the tears...and some still fell. I begged her to stop talking, but she wouldn't. I have no clue how to get help/support. But I think I really need it.

I really need some support right now. And if anyone has advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Should I email anyways the night before session? Should I try to talk even though there's a high chance of a breakdown? Do I "suck it up" because it is the "right" choice and try to cope on my own? I don't know what to do. I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and hurting so much. It's the holidays when you give and recieve gifts. I just got the biggest gift of my life taken away from me.

[Lauliza]

I think a DBT group is a great idea even if it isn't exactly what you want to do. I know Group therapy isn't always something f people get enthusiastic about, sometimes due to a previous negative experience or just fear of the unknown. But the reality is that it's generally very effective - even more so than individual therapy. But like any therapy, it's about finding the right match. Once uou have that it should fall into place. It's good to get outside of hour confort zone and a lot of meaningful stuff can get done in a shorter amount of time than regular therapy. You might find that your dreams will change as you gain more stability and confidence. I commend you for really being thorough in hour thought process. So many people are self centered and are more concerned about how much they want a baby, not about how this baby's life is going to turn out.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think a DBT group is a great idea even if it isn't exactly what you want to do. I know Group therapy isn't always something f people get enthusiastic about, sometimes due to a previous negative experience or just fear of the unknown. But the reality is that it's generally very effective - even more so than individual therapy. But like any therapy, it's about finding the right match. Once uou have that it should fall into place. It's good to get outside of hour confort zone and a lot of meaningful stuff can get done in a shorter amount of time than regular therapy. You might find that your dreams will change as you gain more stability and confidence. I commend you for really being thorough in hour thought process. So many people are self centered and are more concerned about how much they want a baby, not about how this baby's life is going to turn out.

Thank you. I am trying my best to put a baby's needs first even now. If it's btwn having a baby and repeating the family cycle or not being a mom, I choose not being a mom. I do not want to mess up my child. I know there's no such thing as a perfect mom, but that doesn't mean that I don't have to put any effort in. This will be the most difficult and the most rewarding thing I can do in my life. I'm not going to go into it blindly. I am going to be responsible for a human life, not a pet, plant, or object. But there's the issue with time due to reproductive issues, so it's difficult deciding how long I can wait. If I had all the time, I wouldn't mind waiting up to another 10 years. But realistically, I might have already waited too long.

And about DBT: I had bad experiences with every group I've been a part of, and I had bad experiences at county. I don't get to try to find the "right" group. County is my only option right now as I can't afford the other ones. And I might not even be able to go to county.

O guess I'm frustrated because I keep being advised to wait. There's always something else I should do first. And I want to follow my treatment teams advice. I know that they have the best intentions for me. But I've also already waited a year following advice. I know it's my decision, but it's not an easy decision. I'm just trying to do what's best for me and a possible child.

[musinglizzy]

First, I did not read all of the replies. You said your mom had three hysterectomies? She can only have one. A hysterectomy is the removal of the uterus. Did she perhaps have tumors and have myomectomies? I had 3 myomectomies, and finally, a hysterectomy at 31.

Only you know what the right thing to do is for you, but I beg you, don't consider having a baby with an abusive man. You could be strapped to him for life if you do, and many of us here have histories of abuse by our parents.....this is where it starts. You can stop it before it starts.

If your T will not read something you type and bring into session, read it TO her. I'm better with words this way than speaking them, and I'm lucky that my T will read what I write her. However, I at times feel guilty for taking up her time.... so sometimes print things out and read them during my session. It's your session. Whether you talk or read, your T shouldn't be able to tell you you cannot read something you've brought in.

I'm glad you wrote your T.

Keep talking. We are here to listen.