I'm not sure you can help, but I'm hoping someone can normalize what is going on.

A little background: I am 33 year old male. I have been seeing a psychotherapist for the past 3 years. I have been on a break from therapy for the past month. (The break is because health insurance stress, work world stress, every day stress, and the issues I'm dealing with in therapy have come to together to just feel a bit overwhelming). I am seeing my therapist for issues relating to a devastated self-image generated from a compilation of neglect, physical and mental and sexual abuse from family and peers. I have zero relationships outside of the acquaintances at work and my psychotherapist. My family (who is part of why I'm in therapy in the first place) lives on the other side of the country and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about the issues that I'm dealing with yet (maybe someday I will feel comfortable enough to talk to them about it).

The question I have is about my current therapeutic relationship with my psychotherapist who I'll call: "Judy".

Part of what has been missing in my life from the start (at least from age 5 onward) has been a stable and consistent relationship of care and love. I have been to many therapists in my life, about seven before I found "Judy". From the get-go 3 years ago when we started, I felt comfortable with "Judy", I felt safety that I hadn't found since before age 5. She has been gentle, she listens well and feels very "human" as opposed to clinical and sterile like many other therapists I've been to. We have been working on sexual abuse and self-hate issues and I've been very slow and perhaps afraid to let go of my self-hate, even after 3 years with her.

With people like "Judy", I have had a history of "falling in love" with them. (Though with my history, I'm not sure I know what love is...so I might be using the term "love" without really knowing what I'm talking about.)

But anyway. I know in my head quite well that my relationship with "Judy" needs to remain professional. And she has never done anything to lead me to believe otherwise. Well....I qualify that....I guess she has never done anything to lead me to believe that, other than her being very caring. But I've been starved for "love and caring", so I take whatever I can and hold on for dear life.

But while my "head" knows our relationship must remain professional, my emotionally damaged "heart" both needs love and is starved for love and so wants "Judy" to love me. And coming from my history, "my heart" has so often seen people claim they "care about" me...but there are always strings attached. "Judy's" care of me has "strings" attached, meaning she can care about me but she can't love me and that she there are always barriers in her "fully" caring for me because it is not "safe".

Again, my mind understands why these safety and professional things are in place. But no matter how much my "head" tells my "heart" the truth and says "because she can't fully "love me" it doesn't mean that I'm not lovable"...a part of my heart will always feel some "in-love" feeling for "Judy". And this isn't the first time I have fallen "in-love" with people who have offered some care. It always ends up with me hurt and running away and scourging myself and yelling at myself and telling myself how poisonous I am.

The two main things that seem to be causing me to stall in therapy:

(1) I might be able use the "troubling feelings of needing love" to work through the background issues of past, present and future relationship troubles and the issues that decimated any favorable self-image. My "troubling need" of her love feels like it is "bad" and "wrong" and sinful" and "criminal". But perhaps the longer I put up with it, the more I might be able to see my "need" for love in general is not bad and by association, I might be able to see I as a whole am not as bad as I've been thinking for the 20 plus years.

The trouble is, I want to run and never return: how do I help myself stay long enough to get through the discomfort (discomfort is a mild term)?

(2) this "troubling need" for love from "Judy" adds a lot of confusion. It might be tainting the therapeutic process at times, though this "troubling need for love" is partly why I'm in therapy in the first place. I don't know, maybe it isn't tainting things. Maybe it is because I don't think I deserve any kind of care at any level, and feeling any care for and from her on any level is viewed by me as "bad" and "criminal". So in order to halt the feeling I am "criminal" for needing love, I want to run. But anyway, because no matter how professional my therapist acts and how much I logically understand how things "have to be" - my emotionally damaged "child-like" heart wants her to love me (on many levels) sees her NOT reciprocating that need. So the emotionally damaged heart (despite my logical mind telling it otherwise) tells me that she doesn't reciprocate because: 1. there is something wrong with me and I am unlovable and disgusting 2. she hates me.

How do I "put up" or work through these uncomfortable issues?

If I were to leave "Judy" for some other therapist, I'd have to start all over again. It took me years to find "Judy", someone I feel safety with. The prospect of trying to find another therapist that I connect with and feel safe with is just too much. I feel I will just give up trying to heal and just stay alone for the rest of my life, accepting that I am unlovable.

Part of me feels that what I really need to heal is love. But I am not emotionally and socially equipped to find "real love". I have the poorest social skills and my self-loathing keeps me from believing I should subject anyone to my poison. So I need to go to therapy to help change that. But if I need "love" to heal, and I cannot get that from therapy, then what is the point of going to therapy?

In my mind, it's a Catch-22: I need "real love" to heal my self-image enough to find "real love" in the world. But if I need "real love" to find "real love", then I can never have real love. And since I cannot get that "love" from "Judy", what is the point?

Maybe I don't need love. Maybe love is a "chemical imbalance" that needs to be controlled with psychotropic medications – just like all other mental disorders. Part of me hates that I wrote about love as a "chemical imbalance" that needs to be controlled, but my "need" has been so hurtful in my life that it is hard to not wish sometimes that I didn't need anything.

You might wonder why I don't discuss this with my therapist "Judy". I have, several times, but because my "transference issues" at this moment are so high, it is hard to me to "hear" what she says in this regard. It is hard because highly resembles a hurtful incident from my past. About 17 years ago, I did bring up my concerns to someone I was "falling in love with". My intentions were good, I was trying to conscientiously work through it and understand my need even back then. But it really blew up in my face because the person was not equipped as a counselor (she was a high school teacher who casually helped me emotionally after an incident in my life and I ended up "falling in love with her".) It was such a hurtful incident that the date it happened has been etched in my mind and each year since I've re-lived the "pain" of that day, in a very post-traumatic way like it is still happening. I still have literal nightmares about it. That is one of the big issues I'm trying to work in therapy. It was very, very traumatic. So that past event from high school reminds me of my current "transference feelings" for "Judy". So while I have talked to "Judy" about the questions I'm talking to you about, I am usually very timid about it because of the past and because of the past I'm fearful of pushing the issue, because the trauma of the past has instilled some fear in me that I'll be abandoned if I express myself and my feelings. Actually, my logical mind can feel that "Judy" being a capable therapist would not leave and would understand it for what it is. But I'm so deep in it now that I'm having a hard time. So I'm hoping for a "sterile" third party opinion.

So perhaps among the transferences toward Judy I am not only am I transferring my need for love, but I am also transferring the history of halting my openness and expecting my need of love to be met with anger, upset, pain and abandonment and thus I keep living the cycle over and over again because that it what I know? A cycle of: needing love…finding someone to fulfill that need…tainting the need and love with shame and expectation of pain and abandonment…expectations then become actualized through my actions…I am alone…then it starts again with needing love.

I don't know if you can help me, but whatever advice you can give on how to work through this heavy transference issue would be appreciated.

I apologize for the wordiness, I tend to ramble.

[(JD)]

You appear to be processing this quite well, imo.

Continue to touch on your transference issues with "Judy." I don't think she will allow it to take over your entire session(s) but to keep it as an ongoing topic to discuss is good...even right now.

What your T has been showing you is good, safe, loving care. If you contain the feelings and not share them and subsequently work through them, you won't get through them imo... it's the discussion, bringing them to light, managing the strength of them... having both sides know they're there... and continue to see your T remain within the safe boundaries set for your relationship, that you will learn about good, safe relationships as opposed to ones from your past.

It can feel terrible ((((hugs))) but it is well worth getting through!

[WinterRose]

I agree with Sky. You are working through this in and out of therapy. I think that is good. My therapist always says it's very good when you continue to work outside the session like you're doing right now. And though it may not seem like it right now, going through this may lead you to find 'real love' for yourself and prepare you for 'real love' with other people. From your writing, it sounds like having "Judy" has really been a breakthrough for you. Transference is normal and feelings of love in various forms for a therapist are, I believe, common. I know I love my psychiatrist and wish I could be his daughter or sister (I know not quite the same).

If you feel up to it, I would suggest sharing your post here with your therapist.

Hang in there.

Winter Rose

[lauren_helene]

I can feel your pain through your post. I myself only learned about 'transference' this past year with my T. I know how hard this all is to comprehend and try and make sense of.

From the advice I've been given on here, I can tell you that you should tell 'Judy' what you've typed in this post. I understand your why you'd be hesitant, I am similar to you in that just last session I started being more direct with my T about this very issue. I've been with him over a year.

I call it attachment with him because 'transference' seems to trivialize my feelings...but that is my issue I hate labels

I'll bet if you can tell her, an amazing session will take place!

I can relate... I am very "attached" to my Pdoc - not so much my T. My Pdoc (who I have seen for 4 years) was there when I needed someone very much. My previous pdoc was not a very compassionate person. My current pdoc, I can depend on to care and not judge me - no matter what - so I call it (the feeling I have) "attached". I am not brave enough to take my feelings out to really examine them. I've gotten to the point where I am grateful that I have someone like him in my life...and for me I leave it at that "attached".

[Christina86]

Welcome to PC

((((((((((Ipse_Dixit)))))))))))))

Don't have anything to add other than what has already been said.

[withit]

Ipse Dixit, I suggest you talk about this to 'Judy'. Even if you were to find another t, this will come up again. As is the case with our core issues, they get 'transfered' onto those we feel safe with, those we get to trust.
I would say to Judy exactly what you expressed so well here. And if you are hindered by shame etc. you may find it useful to say that you are ashamed to talk about this...and then go ahead and talk about it..
You are struggling with a pretty loaded issue, imho. And the only way out of it is through it. Perhaps you can talk about it at the start of the session so you have enough time to spend on it. The issues you mention here are 'grist for the mill', and if you can get this out in the open and process it with 'Judy' you will be all the lighter, relieved of a burden....
As sky said, your t is a person with whom you will get 'safe' love and caring.
You mention that you tend to 'fall in love' with people like 'Judy'. If I understand correctly, you may be referring to 'infatuation', and I think it's a normal process in therapy.
You say that because she can't fully 'love' you that means you are not 'lovable'. I hear ya man. Of course logically we know this is untrue, yet the emotional experience is what matters here and it seems this is one of your core issues to work through in therapy.
And this whole self-hatred thing, I'm sure lots of us here can relate to it! I recall when I couldn't fathom that my t cared about me because in my mind I was so utterly despicable! It took a long time for me to begin to accept and 'absorb' her 'goodness' and caring. I think what helped was the fact that I communicated that I felt despicable and hated and that I'd rather reject her than be rejected by her, etc. etc.
Thanks for posting, I really enjoyed this post! You are quite and insightful person!
Best of luck to you,
Take care,

I've read through everyone's responses a few times. Thank you. I had to look up the meaning of the phrase "grist for the mill" ... though I'm sure I heard it before and at one time knew what it meant. (When I looked up the meaning it basically says: everything can be made useful.)

Once again I find myself split down the middle and I'm astonished how my "Logical" mind feels so separate from my "Emotional" mind. And the logical mind is on one side of the door, pushing to get through, and the emotional mind is on the opposite side of the door also pushing to get through. So with both sides pushing...and working against each other it seems...I am going nowhere.

It feels logical that these feelings regarding my therapist, working through them and accepting that this "troubling need for love" should not be seen as "troubling" but as something less troubling *is* the therapy. (That is as far as my mind allows me to go right now..."troubling need for love" to "less troubling need for love"...but you get my meaning.)

But while that is what it feels logically -- emotionally I just freeze up, shut down. I can talk myself up and try to get enough courage and resolutely know what and how I need to speak about this in therapy. But when I'm physically, literally sitting down with her it feels like I'm spinning around on one of those playground roundabouts (or merry-go-round things). I get disoriented and nauseous in the stomach and my courage slips out of my finger and toes. I can feel them tingling and aching my knuckles...and I try to remind myself to breath (as I've been told so many times) but because I am aware I'm not breathing properly I realize that something is "wrong" to make me not breathing properly and then that makes it ever harder to breath and hard to focus on what I need to say and do....and I can't speak it.

Usually that is when I just write everything out and give it to her. But I can't do that forever. I doubt if I were to ever, god forbid, go on date...I can't stay silent and have a pad of paper and write things out and give it to the woman sitting near me.

Currently, I'm on planned break from therapy. Though Judy was somewhat "mixed" on me going on this break for fear I may regress or may end up dead. But thus far I think I'm okay. I might be regressing some, however, because I feel like emotionally I'm becoming complacent. (This is despite what my logical mind writes out here about my "transference" issues). I'm just getting used to being alone again and thinking, "what is the point of going back to therapy again? I am alone and have no relationships, but I've done it so long that I'm used to it. It is what I know and what is familar and safe...and I can't see it hurting me or anyone else. "

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ipse_Dixit said:

Usually that is when I just write everything out and give it to her. But I can't do that forever.

Currently, I'm on planned break from therapy. Though Judy was somewhat "mixed" on me going on this break for fear I may regress or may end up dead. But thus far I think I'm okay. I might be regressing some, however, because I feel like emotionally I'm becoming complacent. (This is despite what my logical mind writes out here about my "transference" issues). I'm just getting used to being alone again and thinking, "what is the point of going back to therapy again? I am alone and have no relationships, but I've done it so long that I'm used to it. It is what I know and what is familar and safe...and I can't see it hurting me or anyone else. "

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm sorry you are in pain. So 'Judy' is aware then of your feelings but in writing and not verbally? I'm with you. I once wrote my T a six page letter and even in the letter, I wasn't completely honest but pretty much.

I get the same feelings as you when I need to say something about the attachment... very nervous, sick feeling and tingly. You are not alone and I hope you return to therapy. Think of it as your gift to you. That is what I try to do when it gets hard...

[withit]

Ipsit, so sorry this is so tough for you, so tough that you felt you needed to take a break from it all....
Therapy is not a place where your rational mind needs to be present. Really. It's a place where, if you feel safe, you can talk about your emotional experiences; those you are experiencing vis a vis your therapist are most useful to work through.
I don't know if you've been seeing Judy once or twice a week, perhaps you mentioned it in your first post and I'm not recalling now... but what I want to say is that if you are having such a strong reaction to what's going on in therapy you may benefit from more than a once-a-week session. Perhaps, when you are ready to face this and work through it so that you may heal, you can communicate to your therapist how difficult this is for you and would you be able to have more support such as twice-weekly sessions, or between-session telephone calls, to help contain the intensity of the experience.
The way I see it, you're in pain either way: you are in immense agony when you meet with her, y'know the whole self-hatred/I'm-unlovable thing....and you are in no less pain when you walk away from therapy, alone and in pain.
Dear you, at least in therapy there's a chance you'll heal from it all....It's like removing a band-aid thus exposing the wound, it hurts real bad, but sooner or later the exposed wound heals....
In the meantime, take gentle care of yourself,
Take care,

hey there. i think i understand where you are coming from - partly at least. i am susceptible to fairly intense transference feelings too and i feel really embarrassed and ashamed about feeling that way.

sometimes i get the urge to run. mostly because when i've cared about people in the past they have hurt me. and then... because i've been so scared i've pushed them away or somehow or other hurt them. so i have a lot of stuff around how it is unsafe for both others and for myself for me to care about anybody. i'm hoping that therapy will help me with that, however, so that i can have healthier relationships.

some therapists really aren't equipped to deal with transference responses especially if they are intense. on the other hand, some therapists are equipped to deal with transference responses and working through a transference response really can be very theraputic with respect to developing healthier relationships outside therapy.

because there is only one way to find out... it is important to share some of your feelings for your therapist with your therapist. because some therapists aren't willing / able to deal with it... it is important to share those feelings very gradually and assess how they respond to little disclosures (IMHO). for me... it is part of taking care of yourself. if she responds well... then you can take bigger risks by disclosing more over time. the process does take time, however.

i think that you have a lot of insight into what is going on. if you were to work with someone else then the situation would likely recurr. that your feelings for her are part of a repeated pattern of interrelating that you have and that your feelings for her are significantly coloured by your past experiences.

as for rational mind... well... i think there is indeed a place for rational mind. the superego can be a bit harsh / critical at times, however, and sometimes the id just needs a chance to be... to express itself... sometimes it isn't the rational understanding that is theraputic but the emotional responsiveness of another. i hope that you find the strength / courage to return to therapy soon... please don't pressure yourself too much... little risks...

something like 'sometimes i feel like i want to run away because i feel like i need you and that is scary'. then see how she responds to that... little disclosures then assessments of how that went.

Withit...I had to chuckle at your twice a week suggestion, not because it is a bad suggestion.....but because my insurance is trying to get me to do the exact opposite....cut back to like once a month. i have been with Judy for 3 years and they don't care for it.

If I had tons of money, twice a week may be a possibility. And part of me wouldn't hate seeing her twice a week. Phone calls just upset me for some reason. the majority of the time when I talk to Judy on the phone in between sessions...I just end up more frustrated. (Maybe it is 'cause I always have a sense that people have better things to do and expect she would have better things to do....and phone call therapy feels like "drive-thru or fast-food therapy". )

Also, seeing that I'm taking a break from her and feel myself becoming complacent about how my life is now....it is also becoming difficult to see a deep desire to return to therapy at all.

Part of me says..."Whoa! You are getting complacent. Alert! Alert!" Then the rest of me gives that first part of me a funny look and says, "What are you getting excited about? It isn't that big of deal whether we go to therapy or not."

alexandra, thanks for your comments. i think part of me knows that this thing will develop with any "good" therapist. I have at times told her blankly that I am "in love" with her. (Though some people have told me I don't love her and i'm obsessing. I think i can agree I'm not "in-love" with her...how can I be? But "love" her? I guess the Christian upbringing has instilled the notion that we are supposed to "love" everyone. I'm not sure what love is anymore. The Catholic Church I'm a part of has made it difficult in recent years to think their view of love is credible...but that is a whole other topic.)

Actually...and don't think this is crazy....I made a process out of it (in and out of therapy) and prepared what i wanted to tell and gave her some props that when along with the expression of my feelings. Before I started the exercise, I told her bluntly I thought it was just to see that I wouldn't be hurt and that she wouldn't leave. I was as "melodramatic and over the top" as possible. Basically I said, "I love you and, if you will have me, I express my intent that some day you and I will be wedded." This is the craziest part (and I can't believe I'm mentioning this part of the therapy exercise) I went to Victoria's Secret the day before and picked up some bikini bottoms. I gave that to her. I told her afterward, I was thinking of perhaps of just getting some lotion from Body and Bathworks....but we both agreed that wouldn't have served the purpose of being deliberately over the top.

So she knows my feelings are strong and she has stayed. But perhaps I have downplayed them so much since then..because a few months after that exercise I was telling her I wasn't feeling much for her anymore...that I have been denying it and have reverted to it being scary and stressful to bring it up again. I mean, when I was preparing for this current break from therapy, I remember specifically telling myself that I was "taking a break from therapy" NOT "taking a break from Judy." But now it feels like I need to admit part of feels like I did need a break from Judy."

Oh well. I am truly becoming complacent away from her.

[Robyn222]

Ideally your rational mind and your emotional mind work together with your rational mind recognizing and accepting your emotional self. It isn't always necessary to explain everything away. Some things will reveal themselves in time.

I wonder if you might benefit from something like meditation which helps quiet the mind so it stops talking at you all of the time. That alone will drive you up the wall. It is part and parcel of obsession, I guess. The obsession that goes with strong feelings for someone like Judy.

This may be a very important moment for you in therapy. This could be the healing part. Where you remain on good terms with a caring person even though she cannot be in a personal relationship with you OR will not violate you by taking advantage of you.

I enjoy the thought of meditation. it seems like something that I might find difficult to do, especially in terms of trying to find a place free of distractions. plus...i think i have the failing of having good intentions but my "what is the point-attitude" seems to sully my process.

i find myself really starting to feel that "what is the point-attitude" with therapy in general. being away from therapy now about a month and a half, i have become complacent and settled in and apathetic....and frankly lazy about caring if I ever return to therapy again. (this is part of what I think my therapist was concerned about when i was planning on this break...regressing.)

if i have that attitude, it seems silly to do therapy again...because i wouldn't be doing any of the work necessary. it would be a waste of time for my therapist and me.

when I was 12 years old I already had a well-formed vision that my life would be this way: lived alone. i think i need to accept that. i can't envision myself being able to change my thinking that people are dangerous and i can't envision not loathing myself to think i should bother to find friends. so that combo doesn't bode well for my change.

good luck to the rest of you

[withit]

Ipse, I'm guessing you are not a minor.....if you don't feel like being in therapy just now, that's your choice...no need to feel badly about this decision at all....if at any time in the future you decide you prefer the pain of therapy over the pain of internal anguish you may want to give it another shot....if not with this t then maybe with another....whatever you decide for yourself, may you find peace within yourself....and take gentle care...I look forward to hearing from you here...as you are an insightful person....

No, I guess I'm not a minor. Physically and legally, I'm 33 at this time.

If you talk about the compartmentalized facets of me I'm dealing with in therapy like: "the 5-year-old", "the 8-year-old", "the 16-year-old", "the angry/protective 16-year-old", "the 2-year-old" (i've "seen" the 2-year-old shivering alone in an empty kiddie pool in therapy), "the 10-year-old female who doesn't talk" (I'm male) -- then I guess I might be a minor.

I've very much locked at 16-year-old mentally though. That age is where the trauma came to it highest level and I've been at that heightened level since then, locked in the loop of the time. Truly, emotionally it feels like no real time has passed. It is hard to describe other than that. Literally, like it all could have happened yesterday and I'm still looping in my head, trying to come down.

I think I mention my awareness of my increased complacent nature, because I'm logically aware it isn't a good place. Just today I was walking outside of my apartment and thinking: "I need to find a way to move to the most secluded place so I won't be a bother to anyone or anything and that I won't be hurt." A part of me literally thinks I need to find a way to cut myself off from the world, really research it and invest in making it happen.

Part of me knows that is sad. But 90% of me has just grown up consciously taking in what has been around me (the words and the actions) which have just congealed to make my self-view what it is today. And I think I want to put emphasis on the word "consciously" . . . every time something happened from early on (from age 5 on) I fell and continue to fall into deep introspection and try to figure out everything about why it happened. True, my conclusions through the years may have been incomplete and/or erroneous...but I never had good guidance.

(just one example: my older sister sexually abused me when I was 8 and when the parents found out, they were very very emotionally distant from me, stand-offish, and basically got upset and said that brothers and sisters don't do that. and in their anger, it felt like it was all my fault. and they never did talk to me about it ever. So i was always left with the sting of it being all my fault and that i was the one who hurt my sister. and that perception burrowed into me and merged with my deepest being. so this, on top of many other life events that i saw, caused me to look into myself and wonder about my worth, have served to make my self-loathing as necessary as breathing, as just a natural way life is.)

Being so fractured in my thinking, I can be wanting to give up and walk from everything in the morning...and then be so energetic and wanting to move mountains at night.

Same thing goes for my therapy. Complacent one moment to wanting to save myself the next.

...........i'm so tired

[lauren_helene]

Ipse, I just re-read your posts. I also am kind of stuck at around the age of 16. I had a very sexually abusive boyfriend and we lasted 3 years. I also had an incident when I was 7 yrs old at a neighbors house.

My T has helped me put this altogether. But I think some of what you wrote here applies to me too. I'm always looking for love, attaching myself to people and then hate myself more when it ends.

After this boyfriend and three years later, another boy that I was so so in love with came back in my life. He saved me from this other guy and I thought me and this current guy were meant to be. We lasted years and then off and on for years. He married someone else and has two kids. We recently started talking again after 10 yrs because I needed to 'heal'. I spent every day since our breakup wondering what if...what if...

Well, I don't anymore. I put that to rest. I guess my point is I'm seeing some parallels between you and I. I could pretty much say the same about my feelings for my therapist that you did. The only thing I have bought him is coffee at Christmas. I gave it to his assistant though.

Maybe we can help each other get back in the game and fix this once and for all?

I appreciate your comments, almeda24fan.

Feels more like a "war" than a "game" to me.

I was flipping through the channels yesterday and paused on Dr. Phil. He was intervening between a Mother/Father duo and Grandfather/Grandmother duo (in his "Dr. Phil house with no t.v. audience). The grandfather had molested his 8-10 year old granddaughter. A little later Dr. Phil was discussing with the Mother/Father alone and the Mother/Father were hinting at divorce. Dr. Phil said something along the lines: "A child has the uncanny ability to figure out how everything is her/his fault." This goes for the abuse and, if the parents divorced right then (especially in this fragile place) the child would definitely make it her fault. And a little later, he was speaking with the girl. the camera angle had her not really on screen (thank goodness). He sat with her and gently explained to her how brave she was to tell someone (she told her grandmother but the grandmother didn't tell anyone else, not wanting to accept it...which really upset the parents.). He told the girl she was not at fault and explained that sometimes people get sick sometimes with their thinking, like a cold, and that her grandfather needed to get well. he said he knows she misses her grandfather but he has to get well and it might take sometime. he was so gentle and reassuring to her.

it made me cry, because I could feel myself wishing that someone had taken the time to sit with me and explain these things to me when it happened to me. but when my parents found out that my older sister had touched me and had me touch her, they basically said: "brothers and sisters don't do that" and their tone was angry and they were stand-offish and distant. and they could barely look at me. that is what i remember of how it was dealt with. so it was my fault. i had failed my parents.

my profession is in the science field, with a lot of math and physics and computer back ground, and i have been sort of "trained" to look at things logically and methodically. so i can sort of "easily" see how things "logically" are when it comes to my life/my past/my history/my traumas....and that i'm not evil and bad in the logical sense.

but emotionally, it feels like it unavailable. i watched that on dr. phil and felt sad, wishing that 'child' in could have been reassured of some of those same things about myself after the sexual abuse. but i felt the tears grow rapidly from the tear ducts and slip down my cheeks, because i just feels like the ability to emotionally "get" that it isn't my fault was literally cut-off or severed from my subconscious. it feels like it is down into my subconscious that it is my fault for that event...and so many other events in my life.

so....getting back in the "game" feels impossi ble because it is hard to believe that the "game" even exists for me.

and i don't know how my therapist can continue to put up with me, or how any therapist could, because my needs are always evolving...seemingly always moving one step ahead and she can never meet them. eventually, she will burn out if I continue this way.

and with my current apathy about returning to therapy (which i sort of which wasn't there) it will make it hard for me to "give my all" in therapy...thus increasing the chances of burning her out.

i could try to help you get back into the "game", almeda24fan. i would be honored.

but for me...it is better to move onto "soils that have been poisoned" like me...it feels like nothing can grow here.

i feel like sleeping...forever

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Ipse_Dixit said:
and i don't know how my therapist can continue to put up with me, or how any therapist could, because my needs are always evolving...seemingly always moving one step ahead and she can never meet them. eventually, she will burn out if I continue this way.

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I feel like that too, sometimes. I need my therapist so bad that when I am away from him, it hurts like hell. I wonder how he can deal with someone needing him like that. I mean, he already spread out all over the place in response to emotional needs. Of course he has other clients (although I pretend that he doesn't) and family (although I pretend that he doesn't), and then there's me, who can suck the life out of somebody emotionally. (I told him this, he was very amused by the phrase).

Dixit, all I can say is that your therapist will be able to tolerate those feelings. Just yesterday my T said to me, "You can get angry at me. It is my job to tolerate the feelings that you have for me." I'm sure your T will do the same.

Transference is painful as hell. The transference I have for my T is heavy and sometimes 'out of control,' as I like to put it. But transference shouldn't stall therapy; it should push it forward. Slowly and painfully. But definitely forward.

it may be wasteful for me to come here (though all the thoughts are appreciated) because it feels like it is pointless to ever do therapy again.

i refuse to do medications (because they are part of my trauma) and my mindset is such that I just have lost the motivation i once had in doing therapy. i can't even really remember what that motivation was.

[withit]

I hear you, Ipse. Do what feels right to you, go with your gut feeling...
I'm starting to feel this way for other reasons.....but I hear you loud and clear...
Take gentle care,

Well...at the beginning of April I sent off an in-depth complaint letter to my insurance company, about their tactless way of handling their questioning of my therapeutic process. My letter, I feel, didn't hold back anything. This was not the first time I wrote them.

There approach/tone etc. has contributed (in part) to my current state of mind about therapy in general. That state of mind is: What is the point?

Saturday I received a letter and other documentation from my insurance stating they are initiating a review of services. The letter of complaint I sent to them didn't request any sort of appeal, I just asked them to realize how they hurt me and for them to apologize. So in some ways, their actions didn't really address my requests.

I called the person handling the review on Monday morning and she did seem sincerely apologetic for my entire experience from the start, and talked with me for about an hour on the phone to answer my questions and, in some ways, listen to me.

It was a gesture that was a "step in the right direction" on their part.

But...part of me feels it was "too little too late". I have a deep feeling of "what is the point"?

You know...the average life expectancy for a white male is about 77 years. I'm 33, approaching 34. And you know what gives me such peace? The fact that, in one way or another, my life is approaching an end. I'm approaching the halfway point. And all I can think is: Thank goodness, it is almost halfway over. Whenever someone dies, I feel some sadness if they died in painful/frightening way...but the actual "being dead" part, I feel no sadness. I just feel envious. As I watch myself age and approach that average life expectancy, I just think more and more: thank goodness it is almost over.

Before I sent the letter of complaint to my insurance company, I had talked to my therapist about some billing issues on the phone (we were then and still remain on a "therapeutic break"). I mentioned to her I was writing the letter to my insurance company and would likely send her a copy. But I never did. I figured, what would she care? I'm not really her client right now, because I'm on break.

But given that the insurance company started the review of services and she is now involved, I went ahead and sent her the copy today. I mentioned in an attached note that it feels like "too little too late" and I see no point in trying anymore.

I just don't seem to care. I am alone and have always been alone. The world needs to feel safe for me to want to enter it. It doesn't feel safe. And no one can really make the world safe (or feel safe) except for me. But since I just don't care, I am making no efforts to enter the world, to find some safe place in it to enter. So at the very least I am at a standstill - but moreso I think I'm regressing/retreating.

if I don't care, l told my therapist in the note, I see no point in continuing therapy. I told her though, I think perhaps I should have a session before I make a final decision on terminating therapy. But I told her I have no timetable on that.

and when I think of returning at all, i get anxious. it feels like to leave my "tiny created safe world" I lose my power...because in therapy i am on "her turf" where she has all the power.

I feel myself wanting to want to care. some part of me feels like it is screaming, in fact, that I want to care...but the mouth is either covered by a hand or gagged.

I want to want to care. but i can't fake it. i can't envision myself ever getting to where i believe the world is safe or that i am not poision.