[Soccer mom]

My mom passed away last year and she was very emotionally distant and also drank and used prescription pain pills. She was controlling and manipulative. My therapy has evolved from having all these unmet needs come to the surface and wanting them from my T. to now realizing I will not be able to get them unless I give them to myself or find them elsewhere.

I used to cry so easily in between sessions and not really understand why I was so upset - I couldn't put words to these feelings. That seems to be getting easier. I found out a co-worker is seeing my T. She needs help with her daughter and I completely understand. However, I got jealous and didn't want to share (like a toddler, I guess). My rational brain knows that in a small town T. will have many clients I know (and I know a few). But, kid me doesn't want to know/share. Kid me wants to feel important/special/cared for. I know my husband gives this to me, but it's not the same. It's more of a maternal craving.

I cried this morning that I even care. I don't want therapy or my T. to affect me this way. I realized driving to work that it all goes back to my mom. I still want things from my T. that she can't give me and it sucks. I know I have to grieve this but sometimes I think I'll never stop wanting it.

Have any of you realized what you didn't get from you mom and process it enough that it doesn't bother you anymore?

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

My mom passed away last year and she was very emotionally distant and also drank and used prescription pain pills. She was controlling and manipulative. My therapy has evolved from having all these unmet needs come to the surface and wanting them from my T. to now realizing I will not be able to get them unless I give them to myself or find them elsewhere.

I used to cry so easily in between sessions and not really understand why I was so upset - I couldn't put words to these feelings. That seems to be getting easier. I found out a co-worker is seeing my T. She needs help with her daughter and I completely understand. However, I got jealous and didn't want to share (like a toddler, I guess). My rational brain knows that in a small town T. will have many clients I know (and I know a few). But, kid me doesn't want to know/share. Kid me wants to feel important/special/cared for. I know my husband gives this to me, but it's not the same. It's more of a maternal craving.

I cried this morning that I even care. I don't want therapy or my T. to affect me this way. I realized driving to work that it all goes back to my mom. I still want things from my T. that she can't give me and it sucks. I know I have to grieve this but sometimes I think I'll never stop wanting it.

Have any of you realized what you didn't get from you mom and process it enough that it doesn't bother you anymore?

I have, in two rounds. The first round was learning to self-mother, the second round was learning to accept help in mothering from my therapist. It has eased the pain tremendously but taken a lot of time and effort.

[Ellahmae]

I want to stop wanting a mother figure as well I am working on accepting and trusting the mothering from my therapist. From your previous posts it doesn't seem like your T is willing or does (I could be wrong) the mothering type of therapy which might be beneficial to you. It is helping me with the grief of my own mother (realizing she isn't nor ever will be the mother I want/need/expect) and move forward with seeing her for who she is. Allowing T to be that pseudo mother role is beneficial to me.

Not sure I'll ever be able to heal from all the evil @#$%! mine did to me.

Often feel empty and totally bereft as well as bewildered at how calculatingly cruel and criminal this woman was to me (physical, verbal/emotional, sexual abuse).

While I have come a long ways my healing and recovery process, just the thought of all the vile, evil @#$%! this woman did to me still literally floors me and leaves me feeling like that song says, A Motherless Child.

Come to think of it, I'd've probably been better off with no mother than with the mother I did have.

[Soccer mom]

I guess both of you would have to describe the mothering you are getting from you T's. We have a great connection, she has me totally figured out, I'm getting the attunement/connection I never had from my mom, we hug at the end, etc. And, we have discussed that she is meeting those needs that were never filled. Also, the ability to talk to someone with out a negative response. I once told her she's treating me like a child (it was a positive thing but I can't remember the incident) and she mentioned that she's in a mother role right now. So, it's there. However, there are things that I just don't think any T. will be able to give me. I have looked into most of the T's in my area and their boundaries/styles are not much different than my T.

And, it seems to be a hard balancing act with the transference. I could go to someone weekly and get all sorts of mothering (if I found someone who would do that) but I think it might actually be harder on me. I was thinking earlier this week that the spacing is helping. I'm not as focused on therapy and can concentrate more on my regular life. I'm also better able to figure out my emotions and where they are coming from. But every once in awhile something will happen to spark it all and it comes back like today.

This will be a topic for my next session..... Just wondered how everyone else handled it.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I guess both of you would have to describe the mothering you are getting from you T's. We have a great connection, she has me totally figured out, I'm getting the attunement/connection I never had from my mom, we hug at the end, etc. And, we have discussed that she is meeting those needs that were never filled. Also, the ability to talk to someone with out a negative response. I once told her she's treating me like a child (it was a positive thing but I can't remember the incident) and she mentioned that she's in a mother role right now. So, it's there. However, there are things that I just don't think any T. will be able to give me. I have looked into most of the T's in my area and their boundaries/styles are not much different than my T.

And, it seems to be a hard balancing act with the transference. I could go to someone weekly and get all sorts of mothering (if I found someone who would do that) but I think it might actually be harder on me. I was thinking earlier this week that the spacing is helping. I'm not as focused on therapy and can concentrate more on my regular life. I'm also better able to figure out my emotions and where they are coming from. But every once in awhile something will happen to spark it all and it comes back like today.

This will be a topic for my next session..... Just wondered how everyone else handled it.

I think one difference in the relief I've gotten was by not following that impulse to space things out, to push away, to back off from that intense and uncomfortable and vulnerable feeling work, but to follow the impulses toward closeness and connection and nurturing and honor them. It was hard, but it helped so much.

I'd be curious to know what things you're wanting that you think a T won't provide, maybe there's some insight there into how to ease your pain too.

P.S. It helped me to integrate the therapy into my view of my "regular life" not to isolate it. My therapist has a role in my real life, and part of my real life is that connection and support and working through my issues. I do believe that not compartmentalizing it has had a positive impact as well. Although at points I was very afraid that the intensity of the therapy and my preoccupation with it would hinder my productivity and happiness in other areas, it didn't! I graduated summa cum laude several weeks ago, kept my 60 hour a week job and connected with my daughter, husband and family better than ever, etc. etc. So... it's been a success.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I think one difference in the relief I've gotten was by not following that impulse to space things out, to push away, to back off from that intense and uncomfortable and vulnerable feeling work, but to follow the impulses toward closeness and connection and nurturing and honor them. It was hard, but it helped so much.

I'd be curious to know what things you're wanting that you think a T won't provide, maybe there's some insight there into how to ease your pain too.

P.S. It helped me to integrate the therapy into my view of my "regular life" not to isolate it. My therapist has a role in my real life, and part of my real life is that connection and support and working through my issues. I do believe that not compartmentalizing it has had a positive impact as well.

My T. has said I'm the queen of boxing my feelings....

All year I fought feeling close to her but am finally ok with it. I can talk about feeling close to her and not feel it's wrong anymore.

I wrote in my journal that I want someone to check in on me, hug me, tell me they love me and everything will be ok. Be affectionate with me. I guess everything you envision a mom being without the time restrictions. My T. hugs me and has told me I'll be ok. She is also reassuring in other ways. But, she doesn't text or email. However, I know if something major happened, I could text or call her and she would make time for me.

I know some T's allow endless contact, etc. but she doesn't and has her reasons. I've just now gotten to the point of telling her I wish I had a T. who gave me more. She mentioned boundaries but then I switched the subject like I do when I get nervous. So, I need to revisit it with her.

I don't necessarily want a new T. so I guess I need to just go through all of this. She has agreed that the more I talk about it and take in what she can give me, the less the pain will be. I guess I'm just not done yet.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I do believe that not compartmentalizing it has had a positive impact as well. Although at points I was very afraid that the intensity of the therapy and my preoccupation with it would hinder my productivity and happiness in other areas, it didn't! I graduated summa cum laude several weeks ago, kept my 60 hour a week job and connected with my daughter, husband and family better than ever, etc. etc. So... it's been a success.

Oh, I forgot to mention that it was hindering my productivity and happiness. My brain never had a chance to rest. I would process for a few days after sessions and then it was time to think about what I would discuss the next session in a few days. So, now I have several days where I don't think about it. An interesting thing happened. I used to want to read, research, write and so forth. I don't have that pull anymore. It's more healthy of just having realizations as life happens instead of me doing so much extra work. I'll never admit this to T. though. LOL

[Leah123]

Yep, it does take time, and you have to go at your pace.

I do wonder about cutting back on sessions though- seems like depriving yourself - since she doesn't offer between session contact, so you can't get those check ins you want, but you can reasonably get more time with her to work through this and you're denying yourself that.

But I understand the fear.

[Leah123]

Just read your second post. Sorry it's such a hard balancing act.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yep, it does take time, and you have to go at your pace.

I do wonder about cutting back on sessions though- seems like depriving yourself - since she doesn't offer between session contact, so you can't get those check ins you want, but you can reasonably get more time with her to work through this and you're denying yourself that.

But I understand the fear.

Right now I can't get more time. She wants me to try spacing and I agreed to. She compromised by going 1.5 weeks apart for a few months before 2 weeks apart. I want to give this until maybe November before I decide how it's working for me. If I didn't have the co-worker issue come up, I would have been fine. When random events like that happen, it sparks the transference which makes it difficult.

Months ago I would be in tears for a few days. It's better now and I'm thankful for that.

[Leah123]

I think when you write "better" it means "less emotional" or "upsetting," "less intense," "not as deep?" I found there might be a lot of value in those emotions and experiences, but I do appreciate how calmer can equate to better in one sense. It goes back to that feelings-boxing you referred to I think- it is, as my T would say, blessing and bane, like most things.

"I can't get more time" than the two hours a month does sound like a very hard thing to benefit from in terms of easing that root cause- when you're dealing with the issue of a lack of mothering/connection.

Maybe working on the self-mothering aspect will be a big help to you at this stage, nurturing yourself creatively and making room for those feelings to be heard and honored in addition to the twice monthly therapy.

[musinglizzy]

I wish I could stop wanting that too. I completely understand...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Quote by Soccer Mom.
I wrote in my journal that I want someone to check in on me, hug me, tell me they love me and everything will be ok. Be affectionate with me. I guess everything you envision a mom being without the time restrictions. (quote)

This is exactly how I feel. I want the same things. I want a mother figure who will check in, hug me, tell me they love me, that I am ok and be affectionate. It hurts and its a really bad feeling. I want it so bad sometimes that I do cry or it triggers other bad feelings. I want my T to fill that role and its one of the hardest things ever to accept that she can't and never will. I told my T about this and she said I need to be my own maternal figure. I need to mother myself and get this from myself. The problem is that you can't get the affection from yourself. I am sorry you are feeling like this as well. What has helped me is that one night I asked myself to list all of my needs and I realized that my T is meeting those needs right now. She can't be my mom but she can be there for me, listen without judgment, give hugs, check in, say she has love for me, teach me how to mother myself and how to change this aspect of my life. So even thought I can't have exactly what I want....I am getting that I need and my T is the best and I love her.

[Leah123]

There are some ways to give ourselves affection directly and indirectly. I bought myself a supremely soft silver shawl based on an item in a creative visualization we did in therapy, and I wrap myself in it whenever I like. I give myself hugs sometimes, I enjoy affectionate sensations, pat on the back, hot bath, cuddling with my dog, snuggling in blankets, a treat of a special drink or desert, etc. Ways to pamper and nurture ourselves like a doting mother would.

Also, though, I go and get massages, manicures or ask hubby to scratch my back, something I love- even the cheap by the minute massages at the mall are wonderfully nurturing and stress-reducing. Or there are handheld back massagers and such we can use on ourselves.

And then, we can get affection through volunteering too, nursing homes, with big brothers or sisters programs, other volunteering efforts, there are so many, and of course, support groups. When I was young, I attended a lot- hugs were in ample supply along with other types of caring and empathy and support, which was good too, being there for others is powerfully engaging and healing.

It is not the same.

And self-mothering is not equivalent to mothering, nothing is the really the same, but... it is a useful alternate path.

The process of acknowledging unmet needs, and realizing T isn't going to give them to you, has been the most painful part of therapy for me.

In a round-about way, I confessed my maternal feelings towards T. She never fails to insert into one of our sessions how she's not my mom, we aren't family, we aren't friends… she throws in a cute story about her charming kids, etc. It feels so punishing, but the truth hurts and she wants me living on earth. Shame that she’s spent more than a year trying to get me to trust her using the whole mothering approach and voice. Double shame that I’ve been working on being more open, and the moment I am, she crushes me with rejection. But whatever. I’m currently going to therapy twice a month per my own request because the whole thing is too darn painful. I don’t know why I’m doing this at all anymore – all I can see when I look at her now is disappointment, frustration and shame.

I wish I could give some advice, but all I can say is, you’re not alone.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

The process of acknowledging your unmet needs, and realizing T isn't going to give them to you, has been the most painful part of therapy for me.

In a round-about way, I confessed my maternal feelings towards T. She never fails to insert into one of our sessions how she's not my mom, we aren't family, we aren't friends… she throws in a cute story about her charming kids, etc. It feels so punishing, but the truth hurts and she wants me living on earth. Shame that she’s spent more than a year trying to get me to trust her using the whole mothering approach and voice. Double shame that I’ve been working on being more open, and the moment I am, she crushes me with rejection. But whatever. I’m currently going to therapy twice a month per my own request because the whole thing is too darn painful. I don’t know why I’m doing this at all anymore – all I can see when I look at her now is disappointment, frustration and shame.

I wish I could give some advice, but all I can say is, you’re not alone.

You should tell your T about how you feel about what she says about not being your mother. It sounds like its not helping your therapy. I hope it gets better for you.

[StressedMess]

I never realized it when I was seeking out close friendships with women my mom's age and older, but it occurred to me one day that I must have been trying to find a mother figure. I never felt like these women would replace my mother in my life, but they did serve a similar purpose. I could bounce ideas off them, get advice, be told the grisly truth, and I had ample opportunities to take care of them. It allowed me to step into the old familiar shoes of caretaker, and that was the part I missed the most.

I never felt this way with T, hope not to feel this way ever again, but once I understood my motivations it went a long way towards relieving that pressure I didn't even realize I was feeling.

Good luck (((((Soccer Mom)))))!

[baseline]

I also have always craved mothering. My mother , sisters, and female in laws are not very affectionate or caring. I am not close with them. My T is a male. I don't get it from him. I feel unlovable and detached. I am so jealous of my friend's mother daughter relationships. It hurts that my mother sees me as an object of necessity and demands so much from me yet can not give me some back. "children are for taking care of you when you get old" I am a an object. Yet I am fearful of anyone who is nurturing to me because I am afraid I will become dependent on that kindness which I know is only temporary. On a positive note I give to my children all that I did not get as a child and even now into adulthood. If I have done anything right in my life time it is that I have broken the cycle of indifference.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

You should tell your T about how you feel about what she says about not being your mother. It sounds like its not helping your therapy. I hope it gets better for you.

Thanks, but it's honestly for the best. I'm not helping myself hoping she feels maternal towards me, hoping to be loved in a way that carries outside of our 50 minutes, hoping our relationship won't end permanently someday. She's said she cares about me, and that has to be enough. Even IF she loves me, is that really enough to cure everything? She's been trying to tell me all along that healing comes from inside myself. About time I started listening.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I was thinking earlier this week that the spacing is helping. I'm not as focused on therapy and can concentrate more on my regular life. I'm also better able to figure out my emotions and where they are coming from. But every once in awhile something will happen to spark it all and it comes back like today.

Despite the setback with the co-worker, it sounds like this approach has been working. Your therapist seems to have a good handle on how to help you move past this so that you can live with less angst and ache.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

Have any of you realized what you didn't get from your mom and process it enough that it doesn't bother you anymore?

Oh, yes! I remember my #1 fantasy as a child was that my dad would come home from work one day and tell me that my real mom was some amazing, wonderful woman living on the opposite side of the world, and that we were going to pack up and go live with her immediately.

I fantasized about having a kind, caring, nurturing, loving mother well into my adult years. It was like I had a fantasy mom living in my head -- I could see her, smell her, feel her touch when I needed to be comforted. But then, about a year ago, I realized this mom I would dream of was just not ever going to happen in real life. I then decided to let the "fantasy mom" part within me simply die. I basically killed my fantasy mom. I mourned her hard for several days, and then the pain started to ease. It was strange and almost hard to comprehend because here I was feeling something so sorrowful and real over something that did not ever really exist. But it's done. I do not have the mom I had always dreamed of having, and never will and I am accepting of that. There is no more pain over this. My T now is an older woman and she shows me warmth, kindness, compassion. We have even exchanged "I love you's." She has given me more than my real mother has ever given me, HOWEVER, I do not think of my T as my mother in any way, shape or form. Nor do I wish her to be. She's just a wonderful, loving, human being I have been blessed with having come into my life.

So I do know all too well the intense pain that goes along with the mom desires. I hope you can find relief from your situation. It can be done!

[LonesomeTonight]

SoccerMom, you mentioned feeling "attunement/connection" with your T. That perfectly describes what I feel with my marriage counselor. Yesterday in our joint session, he talked to me about how it's OK to make mistakes (I'm kind of a perfectionist) and that people who care about me will accept me even if I do (from other stuff he said, he's one of those people). That really struck me, because it's like my mom won't accept that I can make mistakes. As I mentioned to him, I got a speeding ticket like, oh, 12 years ago, and it was only recently that she stopped saying "Stay out of the fast lane" when I was headed home from her house on the interstate. I always did well in school, but I still remember the one time in elementary school, I think, where I forgot to turn in a homework assignment and got a 0. The teacher explained how well I'd have to do on everything going forward to manage to get an A in the class. My mom never really let me forget that (even though I think I managed to get an A). I didn't feel like I could make a mistake, and if I did, I felt like it made me less worthy of love.

So MC saying that yesterday just really struck me at a primal level. It wasn't just like he said it once. He kept trying to get that across to me and even took off his glasses for like 10 minutes talking to me (he's only done that one other time for more than like a minute, and that was when I was talking about some scary thoughts I was having). I assume for him it was like taking down a barrier between us, so I could really look into his eyes and understand what he was saying. (Or maybe he just wanted me to appear a bit fuzzy.) But it really sunk in, and I was a little weepy in the office, but sobbing on the way home and for a while afterward. Because I realized that I wish my mom could have told me that 30-some years ago. Really, I wish she'd say that even now. The fact that MC seems accepting of me no matter what--like he asked me, in relation to my asking if I could reach out to him in a crisis, that if I called his cell at midnight several nights in a row for non-crisis reasons, what did I think he'd do. And I said he'd either tell me "Stop f***ing calling me" or block my number. He said it really bothered him that I assumed he'd cut me off for doing that. Instead, he'd just talk to me at a reasonable hour about determining when it's appropriate to call his cell late at night, but he wouldn't be mad.

Can I have maternal transference for a male T? Because that's what this seems like...my mom was the one who made the rules, etc., while my dad was just kind of in a passive role. At first I thought that I wanted from my dad what MC was giving me. But really, I think I wanted (and still want) that from my mom...or both of them, I guess.

So, through all of that, I'm saying I understand. And I don't have an answer for you...

[Leah123]

"Can I have maternal transference for a male T?"

Absolutely.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

SoccerMom, you mentioned feeling "attunement/connection" with your T. That perfectly describes what I feel with my marriage counselor. Yesterday in our joint session, he talked to me about how it's OK to make mistakes (I'm kind of a perfectionist) and that people who care about me will accept me even if I do (from other stuff he said, he's one of those people). That really struck me, because it's like my mom won't accept that I can make mistakes. As I mentioned to him, I got a speeding ticket like, oh, 12 years ago, and it was only recently that she stopped saying "Stay out of the fast lane" when I was headed home from her house on the interstate. I always did well in school, but I still remember the one time in elementary school, I think, where I forgot to turn in a homework assignment and got a 0. The teacher explained how well I'd have to do on everything going forward to manage to get an A in the class. My mom never really let me forget that (even though I think I managed to get an A). I didn't feel like I could make a mistake, and if I did, I felt like it made me less worthy of love.

So MC saying that yesterday just really struck me at a primal level. It wasn't just like he said it once. He kept trying to get that across to me and even took off his glasses for like 10 minutes talking to me (he's only done that one other time for more than like a minute, and that was when I was talking about some scary thoughts I was having). I assume for him it was like taking down a barrier between us, so I could really look into his eyes and understand what he was saying. (Or maybe he just wanted me to appear a bit fuzzy.) But it really sunk in, and I was a little weepy in the office, but sobbing on the way home and for a while afterward. Because I realized that I wish my mom could have told me that 30-some years ago. Really, I wish she'd say that even now. The fact that MC seems accepting of me no matter what--like he asked me, in relation to my asking if I could reach out to him in a crisis, that if I called his cell at midnight several nights in a row for non-crisis reasons, what did I think he'd do. And I said he'd either tell me "Stop f***ing calling me" or block my number. He said it really bothered him that I assumed he'd cut me off for doing that. Instead, he'd just talk to me at a reasonable hour about determining when it's appropriate to call his cell late at night, but he wouldn't be mad.

Can I have maternal transference for a male T? Because that's what this seems like...my mom was the one who made the rules, etc., while my dad was just kind of in a passive role. At first I thought that I wanted from my dad what MC was giving me. But really, I think I wanted (and still want) that from my mom...or both of them, I guess.

So, through all of that, I'm saying I understand. And I don't have an answer for you...

I've been through similar situations with my T. She will give me something and later I will realize I never had that with my mom. I was angry with her for months and she stayed with me and stayed strong through all of it - my mom never tolerated those feelings. She's been accepting of all my feelings - good and bad. She's told me I can't push her away and she won't let me. It's been a long hard road because I've really expected her to act like my mom so many times and she doesn't. that alone is huge.'

yes, I do think you can have maternal transference for any T. regardless of sex. I'm sure there is info if you google it. He's saying things to you that you wished your mom had said. It's not about him - it's about what he's providing you.