[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

Hi LT, I'm usually a lurker, but I appreciate this board so much and have gained a lot of insight by reading about others' experiences with psychotherapy.

Anyway, I just wanted to log on to say that I do not believe you are over-reacting at all. It seems to me that you are very psychologically minded and that you have a great awareness of your own mental health struggles (in terms of how they manifest and impact your daily life). Furthermore, it seems that you work hard to increase your self-awareness and incorporate that knowledge/understanding into your other relationships so as to be a more attuned parent, spouse, friend, etc. I mean, you really DO the work of therapy...despite a somewhat clueless (although I'm sure very well-meaning) therapist.

In conclusion, I truly hope your T will slow down and use these golden opportunities within your therapeutic relationship to explore YOUR inner world and YOUR relational patterns/reenactments rather than continue to "explain-blame-gaslight" and then carry on as though none of it is useful to the therapy itself.

Sadly, your biggest takeaway from these sorts of interactions with your T often seems to be that you need to find a way to change your own behavior in order to "protect" the relationship. Yikes- that is exactly what happens in many real world relationships (and most likely what you experienced in childhood from your parents)...it should not be happening in therapy.

Kudos for you for working so hard (in and out of therapy) to understand these patterns for yourself.

Thanks for the supportive comments. I do feel like my T is missing many opportunities to examine what's going on with me. Sometimes I try to explain it myself, like saying at the end of today's session, I know he's not into talking about "parts." But it felt like in the second part of Friday's session, it was like my child part came out and was just desperate for some sort of reassurance and connection. I also used the term "frantic."

That to me seems like something to explore more with him, the triggers, what I'm experiencing when I feel that way, why it's difficult to control, and when it happens with other people, whether now or in the past. It's easier for me to talk about it as a child part, but he's said before he doesn't like using that sort of terminology, to just talk about what I'm feeling (or something like that).

You make a really good point on how it feels like I need to change my behavior. Should I be aware of how my behavior might affect others? Yes, and I know that's something he tries to focus on. However, it also doesn't mean that it should always be me who shifts my behavior or perspective. You're right that it's something I did at times with my parents and in other relationships. So it's not helpful if I'm just repeating that pattern with Dr. T--unless he can help me examine it, not for his own comfort/lack of being irritated/annoyed (which is what it feels like at times, including very recently), but to help me.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks for the supportive comments. I do feel like my T is missing many opportunities to examine what's going on with me. Sometimes I try to explain it myself, like saying at the end of today's session, I know he's not into talking about "parts." But it felt like in the second part of Friday's session, it was like my child part came out and was just desperate for some sort of reassurance and connection. I also used the term "frantic."

That to me seems like something to explore more with him, the triggers, what I'm experiencing when I feel that way, why it's difficult to control, and when it happens with other people, whether now or in the past. It's easier for me to talk about it as a child part, but he's said before he doesn't like using that sort of terminology, to just talk about what I'm feeling (or something like that).

You make a really good point on how it feels like I need to change my behavior. Should I be aware of how my behavior might affect others? Yes, and I know that's something he tries to focus on. However, it also doesn't mean that it should always be me who shifts my behavior or perspective. You're right that it's something I did at times with my parents and in other relationships. So it's not helpful if I'm just repeating that pattern with Dr. T--unless he can help me examine it, not for his own comfort/lack of being irritated/annoyed (which is what it feels like at times, including very recently), but to help me.

It seems like most every discussion of your therapist on here ends up with someone saying, “LT, he’s not that kind of therapist, the kind you want or think you need, so why do you try to make him into that therapist? It’s futile and painful for you.” So I’ll be the one to say it this time.

You say your core wound needs healing. Yes, it does, but then why do you keep rubbing salt into it by seeing this guy? It will never heal that way.

Have you ever had a friend who was dating someone who just was not in your opinion good, or good enough, for them, and yet who stays with them? That’s how I feel about your therapist. I’m sure he has his good points, but so did the schlub your friend dated in tenth grade or whatever.

[stopdog]

I don't think the client needs to change for a therapist. I do think if the behaviors described go on in real situations rather than just around a therapist -then it might be worth knowing when one is being annoying with others. Doesn't mean you have to change or more what I see - try to get the other person to change to be the way you want -but it might explain some of the difficulties you report with others. I am not a giant fan of blaming parents - I think most really do try their best -and things can still go awry. I don't think the guy is wrong on not being in person and I am confused at what you want from him - you want to know what he thinks and why and he tells you and then you get all upset and get people here to tell you it is him and not you and I am not really seeing that it is different than what you described happening with past therapists or this one. I think people repeat patterns until they decide to do something different - so far you keep doing it the same way.

[Quietmind 2]

LT, I agree with Atat, and I know it's difficult to leave a therapist you're probably attached to. I guess I'm bothered by Dr T not starting a discussion on how he's not a good fit for you when it comes to core wounds. For instance, he's helpful in some ways including parenting, and maybe you'd benefit from seeing a 2nd T for the core issues.

My T has encouraged me to see a second therapist after I saw one briefly years ago. She said she couldn't help me with gender identity issues, and the 2nd T was also fine since there wasn't major overlaps with both therapists.

[LonesomeTonight]

I do appreciate the feedback. I'm aware that he's not the right fit for me in certain ways. After he's back from vacation (don't want to get into it this week), I need to have a discussion with him about the direction of my therapy, whether what he sees as my goals align with what mine are and if he has other thoughts on how he could help me get there. While in the meantime, perhaps I research other T's. I do have a few bookmarked that do EMDR (which I could also do while seeing him, so perhaps could be a way to, I don't know, ease out of the relationship?).

I was talking to a friend (who's very knowledgeable about therapy) about his comment on how he decided that his being completely honest with me on his feelings (and more so than with other clients) is what is best for me. And she said he really shouldn't have decided to use that method without my consent. Which made me think. Should it have been something that I agreed to in the beginning? What if *I* don't think it's right for me?

I get the idea behind the method. He thinks if he's completely honest with me, then I'll know where I stand at all times. All his cards are on the table, as he put it. So I should be able to trust in the relationship more. And...I suppose the idea is then that trust would spread to my outside relationships? However, if they're not all being completely honest with me in the same way, I'm not sure how this helps? I'm also unsure I would *want* others to be completely honest with me all the time anyway. I feel like in marriages/partnerships, friendships, and with family, it's better for the relationship to just let some more minor stuff go.

Anyway, I think Dr. T being honest with me all the time has backfired in some ways. I'm not sure that it *has* made me more secure with him, for one. Or with others--honestly, it's made me wonder all the ways in which I'm irritating people in my outside life that they aren't telling me about and wondering if at some point they'll just explode about it. Back to Dr. T specifically--I don't know how helpful repeatedly hearing "this thing you did irritated me" is (unless it's, say, the same thing that I keep doing). And then we have to spend part of the session on that instead of talking about my other stuff. Plus then I maybe feel distressed or anxious over it, adding to any distress/anxiety I have in my outside life.

Trigger for SH:

Possible trigger:

I'm fully aware that this was my own decision, and nothing he *made* me do. And that it in large part was because I was sort of overwhelmed by my life responsibilities at that point, right after H had his surgery and I was essentially fully responsible for D, plus the stress going on with D's school stuff. So it's like my coping reserves were tapped out. But I feel like the fact that I engaged in SH for the first time in a long time in large part as a result of what Dr. T said to me--shouldn't that be a sort of red flag for him that this technique is maybe not working as he'd intended? The only comment he made about it was "I'm sorry that happened." Plus how my coping mechanisms were likely tapped out. And no, I don't know specifically what I wanted him to say, but it seems like it should have been examined more maybe? (It's a topic that's come up before, how he seems to underreact to things like that with me.)

And please note that I didn't tell him about it in the sense of "Here's what you made me do." I was reluctant to tell him, but felt I had to, as it illustrated how intensely bad I had been feeling that evening.

So, I don't know. I clearly need to talk to him about all this. And, yeah, look for other T's, I suppose. I hate attachment sometimes....

[Quietmind 2]

I think the blunt honesty can be a fine balance, which shifts naturally back and forth depending on whatever is going on. Between my T and I, at least.

And I can be bluntly honest back even if I know she wouldn't like it, even as I'm not intentionally hurtful.

There's benefits in learning to be assertive with your therapist when there's misattunement, as well as times where if he knows you're having a difficult time... it seems "common sense" that he ought to try to be more gentle.

Regarding the SH bit, I don't know if that's a red flag or not. My T works with patients with chronic self-harm (and I've a history of it, in the past), so she's not overly worried but also takes note of the reasons. Eg, if I wasn't grounded enough after a session of processing when I left etc.

[Rive.]

He said that he realized an error he makes at times with me and other clients is promising something that he shouldn't promise.

Agreed. He really ought to be mindful of that. As a therapist, there is an inherent power imbalance. Why create more distress by promising the moon to clients?!

How he couldn't really say it was his decision and rationalize it to me because he didn't agree that it was the right choice. He said if he was single or married to someone who wasn't so worried about getting Covid before a vacation, he'd have still done in-person this week (note: he's never said anything about her being higher-risk for any reason). But that sometimes in a marriage, you have to make accommodations for each other.

Wow, this is plain wrong. He still doesn't seem to be getting it and his spiel comes across as a poor excuse.

How on earth is saying that to clients therapeutic? A T's interventions ought to be in their clients' best interests. How does it help to hear: oh, I wanted to be in-person. Had I been single, I would still be seeing you but I have a family and they don't want me to. That sounds really cringey and makes him come across as a wimp.

Whether he was 'forced' into this decision (or not) at the end of the day, HE agreed to go along with it. This is how he should couch it to his client *not* dragging in his personal life into the therapy room. 'I decided to...' not 'Hey, I wanted to but they didn't let me'

My being so reactionary to things that from the outside seem minor, like switching to virtual for a week, suggest I clearly need more help with it, as I know it's not just about his changing his schedule/method of delivery therapy--it's obviously about something bigger and deeper than that for me.

Absolutely. This is good awareness. He is re-triggering you and keeps 'leaving' (abandoning) you - physically and otherwise.

[smileygal]

He said if he was single or married to someone who wasn't so worried about getting Covid before a vacation, he'd have still done in-person this week (note: he's never said anything about her being higher-risk for any reason). But that sometimes in a marriage, you have to make accommodations for each other.

Yes, This seems a very unhelpful thing to say to a client. Like has been said before he doesn't seem to explore what is going on for you in these interactions as that is not the way he works. It would be helpful for you IMO.

I don't understand his line of how being 100% honest with you is in service of you. Telling you every little thing that bothers him or annoys him just doesn't seem like it would be very beneficial. When I think of my SO for example he gets annoyed by SOOOO many things. Some of it is stuff I do that would be helpful for me to explore but soooo much of it is his stuff that he needs to explore. His annoyances don't always reflect me. The same with you LT...what annoys your T isn't always a reflection of you. Can it be useful information to have a times. Yes of course when you appropriately at the right time.

IMO he is not empowering you by working in this way he is just making you more hypervigilent to looking at how others are reacting to you rather than looking within you. It's like you are on alert wanting for how he will respond/not respond. I do this alot with my T. She doesn't share alt of her reactions and feelings with me and drives me insane sometimes as I want her to. to be more honest and open. I can see though there are many benefits to her approach. It allows me to look at myself more and worry less about her.

We are only getting some snippets of what it is like with your T so don't see the full picture but only you know if he is more helpful to you than harmful.

[InkyBooky]

Smileygal brings up some great points that get me thinking (not so much about you, LT, but more broadly in terms of relationship dynamics). It absolutely isn't our job in life to worry too much about other people's reactions to us. Generally, feelings of annoyance and irritation are more a reflection of one's own issues, insecurities, trigger points, etc. I'm not saying we shouldn't be self-aware- but there's no way for us to not trigger such feelings in others if those feelings ultimately originate from within the other person themself. I hope that makes sense.

My partner and I have been working on this recently because we have been together many years and tend to trigger the heck out of each other. For example, if I say something that lands wrong they might say "I'm feeling kind of defensive or annoyed by your comment but I think this is coming from my own issues of feeling like I'm being told what to do or patronized". Then I can sort of get curious about why I said it like that (sometimes I realize it was slightly intentional because I knew it might get a reaction). All of this is pretty unconscious for both people until you bring it out into the open. But dang, it sure does make for some interesting exploration of relationship dynamics. But the key is that each party owns their own ****!

Edited to add: we've been doing a lot of our own individual therapy to get to a place where we can do this. I know it's not possible to do this in all relationships. (for example: I DO NOT attempt this with my own mother. She hasn't done her own work and could not tolerate it whatsoever).

In conclusion, it seems that it isn't helpful for you to hear about the times your T is annoyed by you because those reactions are more about him than about you. Perhaps instead, he might carefully and intentionally disclose that some of your behaviors bring something up within himself (while admitting that it's his own stuff) and then invite you to explore the relationship dynamic going on there between the two of you.

[atisketatasket]

LT—why is what you put in the trigger warning above on SH a red flag for him, but not for you? The red flag would be, my interactions with this therapist are not healthy for me and I need to think about alternatives.

That is not a bad reflection on either of you. I have a coworker and we are both decent people and like each other, but we don’t interact well past the level of colleagues. We tried to be friends, but we just rub each other the wrong way too much (and that has led to self-destructive urges on my part when I’m already in bad shape). So we stopped trying to be friends. Nothing is wrong with either of us.

I just don’t understand why the red flag is only for him.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

LT—why is what you put in the trigger warning above on SH a red flag for him, but not for you? The red flag would be, my interactions with this therapist are not healthy for me and I need to think about alternatives.

That is not a bad reflection on either of you. I have a coworker and we are both decent people and like each other, but we don’t interact well past the level of colleagues. We tried to be friends, but we just rub each other the wrong way too much (and that has led to self-destructive urges on my part when I’m already in bad shape). So we stopped trying to be friends. Nothing is wrong with either of us.

I just don’t understand why the red flag is only for him.

That's a really good point. I've been thinking about it and am unsure of the answer.

The best I can come up with is that I see it as a weakness in myself, that I feel I shouldn't have let my reaction become so strong. Hence my guilt surrounding telling him about it. Well, also not wanting to seem manipulative or guilt-trippy in any way.

So it's not so much "I should get away from this person because I had this reaction to something he said to me." It's "I'm weak and should have been able to handle what he's saying, so it's more me than him."

In saying it seems like it should be a red flag for him, my thoughts are more that he should be thinking, "Hm, if she had this reaction, I wonder if this is the right approach for her? At least for times when she's under a lot of stress?" As he's the professional in the room and the one who opted for this technique.

Also that's good you and the coworker realized that about each other.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Quietmind 2

I think the blunt honesty can be a fine balance, which shifts naturally back and forth depending on whatever is going on. Between my T and I, at least.

And I can be bluntly honest back even if I know she wouldn't like it, even as I'm not intentionally hurtful.

There's benefits in learning to be assertive with your therapist when there's misattunement, as well as times where if he knows you're having a difficult time... it seems "common sense" that he ought to try to be more gentle.

Regarding the SH bit, I don't know if that's a red flag or not. My T works with patients with chronic self-harm (and I've a history of it, in the past), so she's not overly worried but also takes note of the reasons. Eg, if I wasn't grounded enough after a session of processing when I left etc.

Thanks, QM. This fits with something I was considering earlier, actually.

I was thinking about how maybe it would help if we could work on my expressing anger or even just irritation or annoyance toward him. Being able to express it, then maybe examine it, without him necessarily getting defensive or else lashing out in response. I'm not good at expressing anger (or other negative emotions) toward people, and I feel this could be a place where I could try it out.

But if he's going to be like (to use the recent thing as an example): "Well, of course my family has to come first!" or "I'm not going to risk my marriage so that we can meet in person," that's not going to be helpful to me. If I could express it and we could talk about, say, what it felt like for me to say that, how it came across to him (without his getting defensive).

It's something that could help me in my outside life. I feel like it often comes out wrong when I try to express negative emotions to H, for example. And it definitely did with a former friend (as she ended the friendship over a reaction I had, though tbh, it had been going poorly for a long time).

That's also helpful to know how your T handles SH.

[ScarletPimpernel]

L is 100% honest, but not bluntly. Neither am I. I don't understand why people take honesty as meaning harsh. It can be gentle.

LT, why are you holding onto Dr. T? There are a lot of misattunments. And when people point them out, you seem quick to defend him by pointing out your weaknesses. Dr. T. has weaknesses too and they're conflicting with your therapeutic needs.

L told me that she met her current T years ago. The T said something first session that pissed L off and she walked out. She found a different T for awhile and then decided that she was ready for what the first T had to offer. Maybe this just isn't the right time in your process for Dr. T?

[stopdog]

Harsh is relative. The way this guy is reported to talk does not in any way seem harsh to me although it appears some of you find it so.
I do not believe that feelings are fact and just because someone hears it as harsh does not make it harsh.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't know how Dr. T actually sounds since I'm not there. If LT finds it blunt or harsh (I think that's just my word), then it is.

[unaluna]

Why is your goal here to bare your rawest feelings at another person, your t or otherwise? Isnt that technically just having a tantrum? Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of that. You can do that until age 3. After that, it's either deal with it, or passive aggression. Passive aggression has always been my choice, to where at age 50 plus, in a DBT class exercise, i could barely squeak out the word "no". (That WAS the exercise!)

LT, you asked for honesty from him in the stand up incident. Its not like he's overwhelming you with an emotional display. He says it gently. He tries to couch it as a joke. He says it gently again. You press on. You dont respect his autonomy.

I get that. I had no autonomy from my mother. I existed only because of, and therefore FOR, her.

I think you gave up a lot of your own autonomy when you had a child. Now not only she, but your H and all the grands have a claim on you. That would make me crazy.

Maybe you should do one of those primal scream therapies? As taylor swift says, shake it off.

I used to think i needed to marry a t. Now that just seems annoying. But at the time i felt i needed protection from my family. Now ive built my own protection from my family. i have agency. And im not so hungry anymore.

ETA - In post 300, you talk about judging yourself. To me it sounds like you are feeling that some t writers call The Basic Fault. Or what people here are calling a core wound? What helped heal it for me is learning that i was not alone in experiencing it - its "just" a human experience.

[LonesomeTonight]

Replying to Una, I'm not trying to have a tantrum. I'm trying to learn to communicate negative feelings to people *without* having a tantrum or without turning it back on myself instead. I was never really taught how to do this as a kid, whether in the sense of actually being taught or seeing it modeled by my parents, as they tended to keep negative feelings inside (I don't ever recall seeing them have an argument). It's part of the whole "good girl" thing, I guess? So now, in trying to express myself as being upset or angry or irritated or whatever, whether to H, T, or whoever, I often end up just crying and pulling back on what I want to say; I sometimes end up saying things more harshly than I mean them (upsetting the other person); or other options that don't add up to my expressing myself effectively.

So it's not about tantruming, but about effective, adult communication.

[smileygal]

Expressing feelings aren't the same as having a tantrum IMO. Feelings are just feelings. Exploring them can helpful information and can be done in respectful and even healthy ways. Some people don't want to explore them which is fine. But if certain feelings keep arising around certain situations and interactions and it is impacting our life in a negative way or in a way that is not what we want it is often a sign that something needs to be looked at more closely.

How we express them at times i.e lashing out in anger, saying something mean or hurtful because we are hurt or throwing a tantrum is not helpful but sharing them and what is coming up can be

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by smileygal

Expressing feelings aren't the same as having a tantrum IMO. Feelings are just feelings. Exploring them can helpful information and can be done in respectful and even healthy ways. Some people don't want to explore them which is fine. But if certain feelings keep arising around certain situations and interactions and it is impacting our life in a negative way or in a way that is not what we want it is often a sign that something needs to be looked at more closely.

How we express them at times i.e lashing out in anger, saying something mean or hurtful because we are hurt or throwing a tantrum is not helpful but sharing them and what is coming up can be

Thanks, SmileyGal. I'd agree with you. It also occurred to me that it's not just about expressing those feelings for me, but getting more in touch with them. I tend to struggle to truly feel anger toward others and am more likely to turn it inward. Or if I do feel anger towards someone else (or a situation, like the pandemic), it's difficult for me to accept and process that.

So part of this is wanting to be able to explore those feelings in therapy, to learn how to recognize and accept that I'm angry at someone or something else (even if I don't express it to them). And it feels like an obvious way to do that in therapy is to talk about negative emotions I'm feeling toward Dr. T. And maybe for him to let me know it is OK and "safe" to express them (even if he may respond negatively).

Hope that makes sense. I'm trying to figure out how to explain it all to him.

[unaluna]

Thats why im suggesting primal scream therapy. So there is no limit to it.

You are describing two different things -

1. How to politely negotiate.
2. How to get in touch with your anger.

But a person probably needs to do them in reverse order. First anger, then politeness. You cant mix them up. Thats where sarcasm and passive aggressiveness live.

I didnt mean to suggest you "want" to tantrum. I really meant, what is the point of revealing your rawest feelings to another person? Isnt it enough to just have those feelings? Is it to blame the other person and get them to take responsibilty for causing you to have those feelings?

ARE they causing you to have those feelings? Because it's a question of right and wrong and they are wrong? (I had these feelings in most cases with my family.) I now wish i had spent my t money on "exercising my prerogatives" - not looking for their permission, not letting their ignorance hold me back. But i felt trapped, and therefore i was.

Maybe its like the book, When Bad Things Happen To Good People.

[smileygal]

This makes sense LT and something I struggled with a lot (and still do to some extent but has improved immensely since starting therapy. My Ts willingness to hear and handle ALL my emotions has greatly helped me to do this. I struggled at times with her non reaction to my feelings as at times it felt as if she felt nothing which causes it’s own problems but as I said in previous posts certainly has a enabled me to be able to get more in touch with an access my own and express them in a safe environment. Before therapy I was someone who lived in a state of always feeling ‘fine’ and never expressing anger as like you in childhood it wasn’t safe or okay to do so.

[unaluna]

What is happening here this weekend is so great. I am understanding everybody's clear descriptions of their similar situations, which brings more depth and clarity to my own understanding of me.

LT, thanks for sharing this thread with all of us, and i thank everybody for sharing their stuff. I esp liked the part where Stopdog wrote about telling people they were being annoying. It took ten years for me to really hear that from her. Thats how great this place and these (you!) people are.

[zoiecat]

"He did say on Friday, too, that he appreciated that I wasn't trying to do anything to try to change his mind (like offer to test before session, wear a mask, etc.). So maybe there is some level of acceptance for me here? I can accept something while still being upset about it, right?"

LT, the quote you wrote to me above is called a dialectic. It means when two opposite things are both true at the same time. This is DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I know I come back to this a lot and I will try to stop and hold my tongue going forward but it is so painful for me to read all of these posts because DBT could help you with all of this. EX: Your desire to recognize and feel your emotions, express your emotions in a healthy way, skills to deal with your emotions, the ability to express anger or frustration to someone in a way that you will be heard and is beneficial to both parties, skills to learn to accept the things you cannot change.

I know you said earlier that you did not have time to do DBT until fall because of your daughter. With the amount of time you spend with your current T you could still see him one time a week and attend DBT classes and that is assuming it is an every week class. Mine was 2 hours every 2 weeks which would be even less. I promise I will get off the bandwagon now but I do hope you find something or someone that can really help you live an easier life. It seems like you just keep reliving the same thing over and over again which usually involves your response to something T said that you don't want to hear. You have very specific responses you want to hear in your head as observed by many of your posts and no one can be expected to be a mind reader and should not be expected to be in order to respond using your planned response. The only way things improve now is when you push and pull to get him to say what you want him to, if not the rupture continues. I exact words are very important to you and the reassurance of hearing that you are right in the way you feel is a constant craving but no one is right all of the time. There is nothing wrong with anyone's feelings ever, those are individual and they are only feelings not facts. When your T is expressing annoyance with you, it is his feeling of annoyance; it is not fact. Could it be a feeling that many people may share regarding a certain situation? Maybe, but again that is each person's "feeling" of annoyance. That doesn't mean we should go around purposely annoying people of course. Does he not tell you every time he feels that way? Sure, probably. If I told my coworkers or friends every time they annoyed me, I'm sure I would be fired and have no friends. But that is part of life, we have to decide when it is worth it to put up with some annoyances and when to pull the plug on the relationship. If someone is annoyed with me I may not know it until they say something and yes, it is painful and embarrassing when someone points out their frustration with me. The good thing is that it means I have a chance to change if I want to keep the relationship. They are giving me the gift (hint) that they value the relationship as well and want to try to make it work. Otherwise, they would just walk away.

None of this is easy. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional household. I had no idea how to act as a normal person in society and still don't many times. I tried to learn how real people act by watching TV shows which as we know are not normal either but that is all I had as an only child. What I am trying to say is I understand. You can put as much work into it as you want but if you don't have the right teacher, you are just spinning your wheels going nowhere. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I am still a work in progress, it is hard for me to add fluff to my words.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Rive.

Agreed. He really ought to be mindful of that. As a therapist, there is an inherent power imbalance. Why create more distress by promising the moon to clients?!

Wow, this is plain wrong. He still doesn't seem to be getting it and his spiel comes across as a poor excuse.

How on earth is saying that to clients therapeutic? A T's interventions ought to be in their clients' best interests. How does it help to hear: oh, I wanted to be in-person. Had I been single, I would still be seeing you but I have a family and they don't want me to. That sounds really cringey and makes him come across as a wimp.

Whether he was 'forced' into this decision (or not) at the end of the day, HE agreed to go along with it. This is how he should couch it to his client *not* dragging in his personal life into the therapy room. 'I decided to...' not 'Hey, I wanted to but they didn't let me'

Absolutely. This is good awareness. He is re-triggering you and keeps 'leaving' (abandoning) you - physically and otherwise.

Thanks, Rive. I appreciate the validation.

He seemed to sort of get why it bothered me that he was essentially putting the blame on his wife/son...but then he basically just doubled down on it, like, "Well, yes, but it is their fault!" I also remember him saying once--I think for the day after Thanksgiving? That he wasn't going to be seeing clients because "My wife is making me take that day off." As opposed to saying, "I decided to take off that day" or just "I'm off the day after Thanksgiving" (I mean, it's a very common day to take off).

In terms of the "abandoning" me, it occurred to me today that it seems like I've felt more insecure about the relationship since resuming in person. I think it's partly because I was afraid to get too comfortable with in-person at first (as last year, it lasted all of 3 weeks), then each time I've started to relax about it, something has happened. Like his texting me a Zoom link while I was in the waiting room (he was in the office but mistakenly had me down as Zoom), which led to the whole check-in thing. Or his having to switch to virtual at the last minute the one day. Or this week, with the fairly last-minute decision to do virtual all week.

Yes, I know these may all seem minor to some (one being an honest mistake), and it isn't true abandonment per se, as it's not like he's terminating me or even entirely canceling sessions. But it's difficult to settle in and feel at ease. Whereas when I was virtual for a long stretch, I had just sort of resigned myself to that for a long time and gotten used to it. Now it feels like I'm readapting to in-person, then virtual for a day or week, then his being out of town, then (presumably) in person again. I was fairly strongly affected by ex-T and ex-MC changing offices, so it's not surprising this is affecting me as well.

Anyway, just rambling there, I suppose.

[Rive.]

It's not minor, LT. It is bothering you. The lack of consistency does not help re establishing a secure relationship. Kinda waiting for the rug to be pulled under your feet at any time, so how could you get comfortable

I did feel these were micro-abandonments. Not saying 'micro' to minimise their importance but just that what is happening in the now with T seems to be touching a core wound (linked to abandonment?). So it can feel retraumatising (for lack of a better word).

He is really blundering through it all.. and who is left struggling? The client i.e. you.