Over-controlling Mother (Won't let me have a relationship)

In your shoes, I would seriously consider the crashing on my friend's couch option.


Leave everything at home, and start over... Because why allow stuff to become your prison?

It's like an emotionally incestuous gilded cage...

Which is worse than normal gilded cages.


Friends have couches AND computers, I'm sure you could use a friend's PC during office hours as they'll be at work...


Your mom wont see reason, stop bargaining with her already.


ExGF? Stop making so many assumptions about this poor woman!!! If you want another chance, say so, don't leave things hanging in the air and then drown in regret when she marries someone else because you assumed and kept quiet...


It all comes down to my original point:


Back bone, use it. Now

Trippin 2.0 does make a very good point about your ex; stop making assumptions!

From what i have read from your posts, she has deep feelings for you. You didn't cheat on her, you were put into an impossible situation over which you had no control, until now.

Chances are, she either suspects or has figured out many of the things you mention in your posts. Would you be willing to let her read these posts?

If you truly care for her, you will allow HER to decide if she wants to keep seeing you. From what i have read, she wants you in her life. Are you sure that the "sadness in her eyes" isn't just your own reflection?

I understand first hand how trauma can skew your perceptions. With your ex, you are assuming rejection. is that accurate? Why would anyone choose to hang out with someone they dislike?

Is it really too late for the x-mas party? How about New Years? How about hanging out with her for no reason at all?

I agree with toolman65!

Appropriate boundaries work both ways. You said that, after your father died, your mother and you decided that she should sell her farm. As a woman in her 50's, that should have been a decision of her own. Then you said that you both sold your places, which landed you both into financial hardship. So what was it that you sold? I thought you had been living in a rented apartment.

It sounds like living with your mom was what enabled you to give up a job you hated and still have a roof over your head. It sounds like you are very dependent on her. Are you sure you want to give up the security of living with her?

I agree, and you're all right, I am making assumptions about her.

And yes, it probably is a reflection in my own eyes. My decision about what to do is scattered; one day I want to ask her back into my life, the next I'm thinking it might be best for her to let make the call when, and if she's ready. I just don't know what to do about it.

She has said to me several times though, that my Mother has done a number on me. So she definitely see's it. And yes, my thoughts are that exactly that, toolman65, why would anyone want to get into a relationship with me, when I've got all these mother issues to contend with.


The Christmas party has come and gone. No idea what her plans are for New Year's, but I'll find out.



After my Dad died, the farm went into my name. Legally, the farm was mine, and I had no intentions of selling it. My Mom was living out there all by herself, but would come to the city once or twice a week, and go into the nearby local town to work part time twice a week for a few hours. But in the winters, she relied on the neighbour to plow out the yard and driveway, otherwise she would get stuck.

After my Dad passed, I stopped working to get back into pursuing my career, which made money incredibly tight. I was living in a condo that my parents put the down payment on, but I co-owned with my Dad. I lived there for 15 years by myself, so I know what's is like to live on my own. More on that later. When my Dad passed, the insurance paid off the remainder of the mortgage. So both the farm and the condo were completely paid for. But money was still tight, money with my family in the last 20+ years or so has always seemed to be a problem. My Mom insisted that I move back home with her to the farm. I didn't want to do that, as there was no life for me there. No internet, no friends, no job prospects. It's out in the middle of nowhere, and an hour's drive to the city. Then the neighbour came knocking one day, and offered to buy the farm. He offered a good amount of money, and my Mom and I both mulled it over. Everyone was telling her that she needed to get off the farm, living out there by herself just wasn't good - if something happened to her, it would almost be impossible for her to get immediate help. My Dad died at home, and it took the ambulance close to 30 minutes to arrive, even though it was too late to do anything.

I was never pushing her to move, but it seemed like the best next logical step. And it's not like she liked living there either. She was someone who grew up in the city, but when she married my Dad, and I was born, we lived in a small town. We moved out to the farm after I graduated high school, because someone offered to buy our house in the town we were living in for a reasonable price. It was last minute, and we had the farm already, it was my Dad's old place, but no one lived there. I only lived there for two years before I moved out, but I can tell you now, I know she hated living out there, regardless of what's happened since.

My Mom and I both decided that the offer was too good to pass up, and that if I sold my place and the farm combined, we could buy this new condo in the city and move in to together. So that's what we did. Now I'm here, and the costs of living in this new place have skyrocketed, property taxes, insurance, all that stuff; and with neither of us are working full time; my Mom doesn't work at all anymore, and we're still hurting financially. Even after selling both the farm and my place, it wasn't enough to cover the cost of this place, even though we had budgeted it to work - sometimes these things just don't go as planned as we thought. And over the course of time that I've lived here, I've wracked up debts, and she's helped cover me, a lot.

But to answer your question Rose76, yes, I have been very dependent on her my whole life. Anytime I needed financial help, she was there, no questions asked. Little did I realize that that was a mistake; I thought it was normal for parents to help their children when they needed it. That's how it's been my whole life, and even for the majority of my friends and family. But I can see now how it affected me, and how it's contributed to this toxic environment that I'm living in now.

I know everyone is saying moving out is the first step, and you're all right. But please believe me when I say this, and it's not an excuse, but getting my finances in order has be to be the first priority. I can't even crash at a friends, because all of my friends have either moved away, or are married with families. My one friend who is still here, also lives with his mother, which makes it impossible. If I walked out the door tomorrow, I don't even have enough money for a deposit on a place. I could stay in a hotel for a couple of weeks using my credit cards, but then I'm just wracking up more debt. Even when I spoke with a friend of mine today going over all of this, he said, yeah, you're stuck with your Mother, at least until I can save some money and pay what she feels I owe her, especially the car. He knows what I'm dealing with on that level, and completely understands.

I've been putting a plan in motion to begin working full time starting in the new year. This project that I'm working on right now, a paid project, is eating up nearly 12 hours per day, and I have a deadline... it's the biggest priority right now. And it's a project that has the potential to change my life when it's completed, especially financially. But the second it's finished, I don't care if I have to flip burgers at McDonald's, I'm doing it, and will start paying off some of my debt, and especially things like my car. My Mom has covered my car payments a couple of times, and in her mind, until I pay her back, that car is hers, regardless if it's registered and insured in my name or not. So it's things like that I want make sure she's compensated for, so that she can't turn it around on me.

Like I said, I lived on my own for 15 years, and yes, I depended on my parents to some extent even then. And living on my own again is something I truly do miss. I don't care if I have to live in a rat-infested studio apartment in the worst neighbourhood possible, I really don't, I'm at that point already. But even when I lived on my own, my Mom would make sure she talked to me everyday, had to know what I was doing, and if I was going anywhere. When I was in Los Angeles in September for this project I'm currently working on, it was so great being so far away from her, where she couldn't see what I was doing, or who with, even though I wasn't doing anything irresponsible; I was there for work, and that's what I was up to. That freedom was so incredibly great.

There's so much more I could go into about living at home again. Like when we moved from the farm, the amount of stuff she brought with her. The basement is filled. A lot of paperwork; my parents had their own businesses, and there's boxes of tax information, etc. And I'm tied to a lot it as well, as my parents always included my name on it as a director of these companies. I've been pushing her in the last several months to get this stuff cleaned up, and she has been doing it. But there's still a lot of stupid stuff. Like when we were moving stuff from the farm to the new place, she insisted in bringing this mouse urine stained mattress. I fought with her about it, my friend helping her move also said to leave it and burn it. She keeps saying it can be steam cleaned and it'll be fine. I think she's also a borderline hoarder. None of you can honestly even imagine the amount of stuff there is. And it drives me crazy. Just another crazy thing about my Mom.

But finances aside, when I spoke with one of my friends today about the confrontation we had the other day, he said if she's willing to threaten me with disowning me if I choose to go back to my ex-GF, or if I find a girl who isn't a virgin, that obviously doesn't have anything to do with finances, and it's nothing but having complete control over me. All I can do is putting my nose to the grindstone, working to get some of these debts paid, saving some money, and getting out. My Mom has said she wants to move from this new place anyhow, as it's too expensive, and she's not happy here. I'm actually encouraging it to do, but I've told her, I'm not helping her move all this crap, it has to be cleared first. And I think it has helped, because surprising she has been cleaning. And if that's the case, we can both move out at the same time, and she can go one way, and I can go mine.

How would she make that call? My thinking is that you were the one to withdraw from the relationship, so it is up to you to show an interest in reestablishing it.

Why? Because they might be fond of you, and might see a possibility of loving you.

You might not see a possibility of loving you, but others perhaps can see that possibility.

It sounds like both you and your mother have been living beyond your means for a long time. Also, you've been enabling each other to do that. That's a very hard pattern to break. You really don't know what it's like to have to totally depend on yourself. Where you lived for 15 years was in a property partially owned by your dad.

You refer to where you live now as you being "under (your mother's) roof." So you liquidated two properties that you owned to buy a condo that is not in your name. Or maybe it is, which would mean it's as much yours as hers. I don't know if you get the Suze Ormand Show up there in Canada. She gives excellent advice to people about money matters, especially to people in families where there is excess inter-generational dependence. Do yourself a favor and get her books and watch her programs. (Books at the library are free. Programs are probably accessible on the Net.) You could learn a lot, probably more than you could learn from a therapist. Your mother could learn a lot from Suze too.

I don't think either one of you can make it right now, without a roommate. And I don't think either one of you can find a roommate right now, other than each other. (Since she has no job, and yours is part-time.) So you're kind of stuck with each other. Your mom is just as dependent on you, as you are on her. So just go live your life and see whom you please and stop telling your mother every detail about your life. If she doesn't like it, what's she going to do? Leave you? It doesn't sound like she has anywhere to go or any means to get there.

Maybe you are lucky to have a mom who is willing to at least partially support you for 36 years. I don't think its the healthiest arrangement, but it seems to be what is required for you to pursue your entertainment career. We all have to make sacrifices for our dreams. Everything in life comes with a price. Maybe being on your own would involve you giving up on the career you dreamed of. That may be something you are not willing to do. And you have a right to make that choice.

I agree with Bill, you ditched the girl, so why leave it up to her to pursue you...


I certainly would not go chasing after a guy, friend or not, after he rejected me.

BUT! I would, and have forgiven someone for bailing on me, and we are still together, years after the fact.



Dignity ya know.


You screwed up, you fix it.

No shirking that responsibility...

I don't think so much as living beyond our means, but just living in general. Things got rough when we moved to the farm, and it hasn't been the same since.

It's true, I don't really know what it's like to completely fend for myself. But I'm at a point where I want to be able to, regardless of the consequences. And at my age, it has to be now or never. I don't want to live like this anymore. I know how to pay bills, cook, clean, all that stuff. I can hold down a job, I have held down several jobs in my life.

Don't get me wrong, and I told my Mom this as well the other day when we had our talk, I do love her and respect her, and I completely acknowledge and appreciate everything she's done for me, but there has to be a line. That includes having her help me financially. I told her once I go back to work full time, I'll not only pay her back what I owe, I'll start paying rent if she wants. Whatever it takes.

My career, if it needs to be put on hold, or never happen, so be it. But as I've said, this project I'm working on right now, could lead to something. It's a potential game changer on so many levels. Back in the summer when I was officially dating this girl, and had this project green lit, all my friends were so happy for me. They all said things were finally changing for the better, after all these years. But then Mom, killing the relationship that I so cherished. If it wasn't for this project I'm working on, I think I would be incredibly miserable and depressed; it's the only thing keeping me going right now - that and wanting out of my Mom's control.

This experience over the last few months has filled me with a sense of real purpose, and that relationships are truly the most important things in life. Everything I own, I don't want or need anymore, I'm ready to sacrifice it all for the sake of gaining my own independence. I love my Mother dearly, but for all the things that are going on in both our lives, financial or otherwise, she shouldn't have denied or threatened me into making a choice about someone I really care about, versus what she wants and thinks whom I should be with. She's made that very clear to me. And I feel absolutely sick about it, when I know there's this girl I could be with right now, who I'm sure feels the same way about me as I do her. No one said life is fair, but this feels wrong in every sense. I feel like my Mother is punishing me for having emotions and feelings for someone that isn't her.

I spend countless hours everyday and night thinking about this. I haven't had a good nights sleep in months. This is all I think about anymore when I'm not working. That's why came here, to try and makes sense out of all of this.

Sounds like you know what your options are and what your rights and responsibilities are.

Your mother didn't kill the relationship that you had. You chose to give it up. Until you stop blaming your mother for your decisions, nothing in your life is going to change.

You want to talk about what your mother should and shouldn't do. You see yourself as being stymied by what your mother does. You are trying to have your cake and eat it too. Either you will hang on to pleasing your mother for the security of her providing you a place to live and other support, or you will make your own choices and not worry about what she thinks of it.

Your mother is clear on what her goal is. She wants to keep you tied to her. So she engages in behavior designed to further that goal. Your mother is effective at getting what she wants from you. She is probably doing exactly what she should do to get what she wants. You're not clear on what you want, except that you want two competing things. Actually, your decisions reveal more about what you want than all your words do. You have never emancipated yourself from your parents. Had you done so, it's possible you might be homeless now. That's a scary thought. I don't blame you being scared. To give up a satisfying relationship to please your mother shows the depth and breath of your fear. Your mother didn't deprive you of this relationship. Your own fear did. It's very hard to overcome fear.

When you are contemplating possibly working at a fast food joint and living in squalid circumstances, as opposed to living in a nice condo and pursuing the career of your dreams, it's entirely possible that you just decided that this girl was not worth what going after her might cost you. Yes, you made the decision your mother hoped you would make, but you are the one who made the decision. As long as you will do only what your mother will "let you," you will stay just as you are. Step One is taking responsibility for your own decisions.

You can keep canvassing the opinions of your mother's friend and all your friends, and that has nothing to do with anything.

There are people for whom the parent-child relationship becomes and remains the most important relationship in live. It's not a crime.

Your actions (or in your case, inactions) have got you into this mess.

All the opinion seeking from this forum and elsewhere won't change things.

All the blaming ... excusing .... justifying and rationalizing won't change things.

You are where you are.

Analysis will only get you so far. Eventually, it becomes an anchor, making the simplest choice a overly complex debate. Do i ask her out? Do i get my own mailbox to keep my mother from opening my mail? My gut tells me i should go out, but my horoscope says 'stay safe'. The Weather Channel says 50% chance of showers...what to do?

Analysis becomes Paralysis

You speak in intentions. Intentions are just empty promises we make to ourselves about all things we are going to do, someday.

Are you willing to put a time limit on your intentions, making them goals?

What are you willing to give up to achieve freedom? happiness? dignity?

What are you willing to risk to have success?

Until you are able to answer those questions, you will remain stuck.

You must accept the fact that you are in a prison, where the door unlocks from the inside.

Your perception of being powerless is keeping you from taking action.

Only your actions will move you.

Assuming of course, that you actually want to move.

I think there's a way you could start to change now. When you have an impulse to comply with your mother's disrespect for you boundaries, find small ways to rebel. Think of how Ghandi led the people of India to defy the British in little things. He told them to make their own cloth and to make their own salt, each activity forbidden by the crown.

Your natural impulse is to answer your mother promptly, when she asks what could be an innocent question. However, these are not usually innocent inquiries. They're fishing expeditions for evidence of what you might be doing that goes against her wishes. So, when she asks something, try saying, "Well, Mom, I don't know if I should answer that. I'm afraid it's going to lead to you finding fault with me." Even if you end up answering, you've delayed giving automatic compliance. Make yourself really obnoxious by employing this technique even when your mother is truly asking an innocent question. Like your mom asks, "Are we getting low on milk?" You demure with, "I don't know if I should risk answering. This might be one of your trick questions." This way you get out of the knee-jerk habit of responding to her in the way she has trained you to respond. This could be very self empowering. Play with her head a little. Use your imagination to sabotage her control of you. Turn the tables. Act like you don't hear her sometimes. Make like you misheard her and respond with something irrelevant. Throw her off base.

You're smart and good with language. Use that skill to give her a run for her money. Give her misinformation. Then laugh at her when she calls you on it. Say, "Oh, I'm just teasing you, Mom." Don't play the game on her terms. She is going to get annoyed, but you'll discover that her being mad does not put your life in jeopardy.

Going along with what Rose said.. you could always start answering questions with other questions.

"Are you going out somewhere?"
"What does it look like?"
"It looks like you're going out. Where are you going?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Because I want to know where you are."
"I'm standing right here, and I'll be back later."
"But where are you going?"
"Somewhere on planet earth, why do you want to know?"

Etc etc. You really don't need to give her information. Say "I'm heading out, bye!" and then go.

And really now.. she's wanting to control your sex life? If she brings that up again, point out to her that for all she knows you're not a virgin and for all she knows maybe you've had lots of partners who also weren't virgins, and she will never, ever, have a way to know what is true or not so she may as well stop trying.

Well, I think we've got a battle plan shaping up here. Great suggestions from Red Panda. There you go. Try really goofing on her with something a trifle shocking: "Gee Mom, I really think I need a woman of vast experience to take me in hand and show me the ropes . . . . not necessarily a hooker, but surely not an ingenue."

Definitely all good advice. Thank you, everyone.

My Mom's has been somewhat moody since we had our "talk" the other day. I'm still angry and disappointed with her, but do feel a lot better to have gotten it all off of my chest. Her on the otherhand, I'm not sure if any of what I said has really sunk in, or if she even cares, which brings me to today.

All of a sudden tonight, she say's she's going to keep driving her vehicle until it breaks down, which will probably happen sooner than later, and that she's tired of driving, and will just be without a vehicle. She mentioned getting a bus pass, but I'm getting a sense that this could be one of the many next steps of her trying to control me, especially since I told her the other day I'm not staying forever, and that I have to get out on my own. Sure she may get a bus pass, but it almost feels like, "you need to stay with me, because who's going to drive me around?" Maybe I'm just reading into it too much, which I to tend to do; over-anazlying, as I'm sure so many of you have been able to tell throughout the course of this thread. But I'm finding myself questioning a lot of what she says or does since this all came to light for me, and whether or not it's manipulation to keep me on a tight leash.

And the question that I haven't been able to get answered is, does she know that she's doing do this to me, or is it buried so deeply in her sub-conscience she doesn't even realize? Or perhaps it's a bit of both? I know it doesn't change the situation, but I'm curious for my own sake. Obviously the "girlfriend/sex" thing is a conscience decision, but a lot of everything else, the little things is what I question; does she even realize what she's doing?

The fact is, that you'll never know exactly what she's thinking or aware of. You can only know what someone shares with you, and a manipulator will never admit that they're manipulating you and will always play the innocent/victim card if accused of it.

So go with your instinct and remember that she will keep trying to tie herself to you. If she talks about the bus pass again, point out what a great idea that is because then she doesn't have to worry about car payments and what a great way to help the environment! Turn everything you can into a positive. If she brings out the fact that she'll need things she somehow can't carry on her own.. then point out that you'd be able to help her based around your own schedule.

She has it rationalized to where she feels she is actually looking out for your best interests. Oh, she certainly cares! She does not see how selfish she is and how stifling her clinging is to your being able to breathe spiritually. She is desperately fearful of being without you, as she derives all her identity from this excess interdependence. But, as the Budda said, "To understand all, is to forgive all." This is the only way she knows how to be. It's like she is shipwrecked out at sea, and you are her raft. But change that pattern, and you may actually liberate her as well as herself. The only way you'll drag her to sanity, though, is with her kicking and screaming. Like you suggested, she may have been parented in a similarly suffocating manner. It's all she knows.


Once in a while, do something reassuring to her . . . leave her a little bunch of violets or a single rose, with a note that she will always be important to you. She fears utter abandonment. She doesn't want to be replaced. Now and then, tell her she never will be.

"does she even realize what she is doing?"

Your mom knows EXACTLY what she is doing.

She keeps repeating this behavior, because she keeps getting a payoff. (you being her slave)

She wouldn't be doing this , year after year, unless she was getting a payoff.

Now, mom has realized that the payoff is no longer guaranteed.

She is changing tactics. She is fishing. Trying new ways to "hook" you into even more guilt driven behaviour.

She thinks "hmm, my car is almost kaput. maybe i can use this to hook him into becoming my chauffeur. If he balks, i can say that it is duty , as a a good son, to always be available. I may even say that he can use the service to pay down his "debt", but keep everything vague as to how much he owes and how much this 24/7 taxi is worth.

Anything to secure the payoff.

The fact that your mom has been moody and has tried new things to hook you, leads me to believe that this is no sub-concious act.

To me, adaptation of any behaviour to achieve a similar result must be a concious act.

She is aware of what she is doing.

She must be held responsible for her actions.

Same goes for you, too.

Others have given you pointers on how to handle her on a day to day basis. Listen to them. Stop being so hyper responsive to her . Learn to deflect and delay answering her.

Just because there is a hook in the water doesn't mean you have to bite.

If you make yourself a bit more unpredictable, this will excalate the tension for awhile. She will become insecure and redouble her efforts to keep track of your every move.

In this age of cell phones, no one needs to give household members an itinerary of one's day. When you are going out, you can be vague, but offer some reassurance along the lines of "I'll give you a call, Mom, in a few hours and let you know when I'll be home. (or see if she needs anything, or whatever.)"

If she calls your cell phone, delay picking up, especially if you know she is just harassing you. Give her some misinformation now and then. You can always corect it, saying you changed your plans. I'm all for truthfulness with those I love, but not in your case. Your mom will use your truthfulness to keep you tied up. There is absolutely nothing immoral about withholding the truth to protect your right to a reasonable level of privacy and autonomy. A bit of fibbing is just fine too.

In the past 24 hours or so, my Mom's gone from moody to physically ill. Just depressed looking, complaining about having back and stomach pain, and using phrases like, "I'll just die already," including have a poor appetite and not eating much. This is the exact same way she acted after she met my now ex-girlfriend in the summer. I believe she is not feeling well, but I'm assuming this is a result of her own actions, especially since our "talk" over the weekend.

I've continued my routine, working on my project, and just overall being civil with her. I know this is all part of her trying to make me feel sorry for her, but I'm not falling for it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm worried about her, and don't want her to be sick, but all I keep saying to myself, is that she's done this to herself, I did nothing wrong to make her feel this way. I know someone suggested in an earlier post that she'll do things like this, even to go as far as doing herself physical harm. That worries me a lot. As hurt, angry and disappointed I am with her, I do love her, and want her to be healthy. Any suggestions on how to handle this?

Change is hard.

It's not going to come easy to her . . . of all people. She's gonna dig in her heels. Just like a stubborn child. And she may even manage to make herself ill to some extent. But I highly doubt that she is just going to "die already." She's probably got another 20 or 30 years to go. So this shall be a long siege. Feed into the drama as little as possible. But that doesn't mean ignore her. Just say things like: " If there is anything I can get for you, Mom, let me know." It's even permissible to ask every now and then, "How's the tummy/back doing now?"

It's even okay to feel a bit sorry for her. This is real stress for her. But she has to go through it. You have to be the parent to her for awhile.

And by the way, it need not be your goal in life to make sure you never do anything "wrong." We're all wrong every once in awhile. Actually, you've done lots of things wrong to get her this emotionally dependent on you. So now you're changing.

Everything isn't a matter of right and wrong. There's what works and what doesn't. We take an approach . . . see it gets us nowhere . . . so we take a different approach. If you tell yourself that you will never do anything until you are sure what is the right thing to do, then you'll get nowhere in life. Life's about trying things out. They don't work sometimes . . . so back to the drawing board. Your mom has had an approach to her relationship with you that worked quite well for her . . . for a very long time . . . achieved her goals. Suddenly, her program is not getting her the desired result. You are bucking against the shackles. So she is genuinely confused. She will experiment with different strategies to see what will restore things to what she regards as her equilibrium. This is how healthy relationships evolve. Each party tries different things and discovers what works and what doesn't. It's not always about what's right and wrong. Give her space to try things out. Don't be hovering over her worrying that she is so fragile, she will break. This lady sounds like a pretty tough cookie to me.

Yeah the illness card is an easy one to bring out. If she complains, the next time you go grocery shopping pick her up the sorts of foods that are good for if you're having trouble eating - bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. It's the BRAT diet.

So when she says she can't eat, tell her that you've picked her up the easiest to digest foods and that if she can't handle those then it's time to make an appointment with her doctor. You're showing caring but you're also not stopping your entire life for her.

When a behaviour doesn't get the same desired result anymore, most people are going to continue escalating their behaviour to try for the same result. She'll just keep on going. She really even might take it to the point of actually doing herself physical harm. And you know the response to that? If it's a clearly intentional one, then she will just have to go inpatient. If it's an "accident" and she wants you to care for her around the clock, then it's time to discuss retirement homes because if she needs round the clock care you cannot be expected to do that. Will she flip out? She sure will.

I think the mom in question is in her early 60's. That is quite young, if a person is in good health. This mom seems to be in basically sound health. So I think her being thought of as a candidate for living in a facility is unlikely.

This lady sounds sooooo much like my mother. Only im 62 and my mother is 86. Many years ago, she saw a fortune teller who said she would die when she was 84. Apparently the fortune teller did not foresee cardiac stents - i swear the old lady will outlive me, with her replacement parts!

Get a therapist, get a lawyer, get a job, get the girl, and get out. Your mom will be fine. She will say she was doing all of this because YOU wanted it.

"people do what works" Dr. Phil

Your mom is playing the illness card because it works.

She played it when you had a girlfriend and look how that turned out.

Then again, she may be in actual pain. The pain of withdrawal. Her mental state may be so "twitchy" that the idea of not being in control of you could be resulting in an anxiety attack that is manifesting itself as illness.

Don't believe me?

I once heard the story of a woman in her 70's, who was a hoarder for going on 30 years. When her adult children tried to throw away a rotten, mouldy carpet, she literally went into convulsions. Her mind simply could not handle the thought of losing something.

I'm sure that there are many stories out there of a similar nature.

If your mom is truly sick, then take her to the ER. They will either find something physical ( in which case you did the right thing) or they may determine that her ailment is psychosomatic ( which will validate your assertions).

You win either way.

If she refuses to go, then chances are she is bluffing.

If she talks about wanting to die, call 911

Do not allow her to immobilize you at this critical point of YOUR life.