Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

That's a really good question. He did not include certain fights he said. He didn't think those were real fights. I, however, count them all as fights whenever it's become very heated and whenever he's raised his voice at me.

Of course, it's now difficult for me to remember all instances.... it feels like there's been more than enough for me to want to walk away though if he cannot make important and necessary changes. I guess that's all that matters.

I spoke with my therapist today. He was very helpful and we scheduled another call for next Wed.

I feel encouraged by his words. He said I am very brave to be facing all that I am, though I don't feel brave. I need more courage. I am resolute in what I need and want to do, but I need the courage.

I am feeling less and less like there's any hope. I really think he will refuse therapy and that he'll refuse to see he has a problem OR that he IS the problem.

I am most saddened by this thought.

Therapy, individual or couples, only works if a person wants to go. Do you want couples therapy or just him to go? Or both?

He won't want to go, I can tell you that, and I know this already. He would go only if he truly wants to salvage the marriage and hold onto me.

I would go with him to a couples therapist.

I hope he agrees. I’d say he’d not benefit from individual therapy if he doesn’t want to go because he won’t address what needs to be addressed. Couple therapy might be a better idea if he agrees

It's the only way. He will manipulate the therapist otherwise and will lie and will blame me for everything. I have to be present.

I know you already know it but if you word that you both together need to see someone to help you improve on things.

Well, my stance is that I am not taking responsibility for HIS issues. HE is the problem in the relationship. Sure, I know there are some things I do that irritate him, but we've discussed those things. Anyways, he needs to admit he has a problem AND agree to getting help. I am only going with him because we are married. If we weren't married, I would have left long ago.

Oh I understand. But I thought to say that it’s for the benefit of the marriage just to get him on board otherwise he’d be all defensive. Not sure. I hope he does the right thing.

Yes, that part I agree with. I will definitely put it that way to him when it's time.

Read about a third of this thread. Im sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough. Hang in there!

That could very well be true!

Tonight suddenly I got very scared about all this -- what if he tries to stake any claim to furniture pieces that I bought for us out of my funds? I own or paid for most everything we have together. That's all very important to me. How will the logistics work out if we separate but still live together? How could I even manage that? What if he tries to screw me over and ruin my credit because he pays a car lease that's in my name? I will also lose my beautiful apartment. I know, I can find another. Omg. but I am scared.

Is your lease expiring soon? You don’t need to stay long if you decide to leave then, stay with your parents for a bit.

If you think he is the kind of person who would screw you over car lease or furniture, then it would be a big reason enough to get a divorce. I think it’s a red flag that you think he might act unkind or punitive in divorce, should it happen.

You can always split furniture. How much furniture is it? Did he bring anything into marriage that was his or he paid for during marriage? Stuff you bought with your funds or brought with you is yours. As about car he’d have to switch it on his own name.

Of course I hope none of this has to happen.

Oh @HaveHope I am so sorry. Becca had the baby and its been a hell of a week and a half so I hadnt logged in. Does it have to be a confrontation? Can you write him a letter? I do not think you need to wait until the next fight, Even if there is no next fight I think you absolutely need therapy as a couple. What if you calmly spelled it out and then you walk away? Go for a walk, a drive or go to the bedroom and let him rant if he wants to. Hold steady and insist on counseling no matter if he gets made or threatens or not. Message me if you want. Hugs girl keep your chin up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope Thanks, Divine. If I am truly honest with myself, I believe I am afraid of a fight and another blowup from him if I confront him with the full truth right now. A part of me really hesitates.

Our lease renews June 1 - so that is in two weeks. It is far too soon, and I am not ready to leave. He brought very little, if no, furniture himself -- he owns TVs. I either bought everything else, or brought it with me from my family's homes. It is an entire apartment's worth of furniture and belongings.

He has said things in the heat of the moment of a fight that made me think he may screw me over. Then he later states he doesn't mean what he says. A lot of things are said in the heat of the moment.

Thanks so much, @sarahsweets. I hope Becca and the baby are doing well and are healthy!

I have a plan that I am talking through with my therapist. I am not ready to do anything just yet. We couldn't even see a couples counselor now if we wanted to, due to the pandemic. I feel very strongly about sticking to my last words: "IF this happens again, we will have a serious problem."

Every day I come up with new thoughts and new emotions. It's a very difficult position to be in -- and I have conflicted emotions. I do love him still, but that love has waned a bit. I feel very cautious right now.

Everything is back to normal again, at least on the surface. We also just had our one-year wedding anniversary.

All of this is most sobering. Each morning I have a heavy weight in my heart - of sadness and pain.

I was so vulnerable when we first met, coming off the heels of two breakups, one of which was most painful and traumatic. I had also just lost one of my jobs (I was working two part time jobs at the time), and I was living at home with my parents.

I wrote in my journal of the red flags I saw early on with him, but I decided to give him a chance despite the red flags because he came across as such a nice guy.

Then my parents stated very firmly that I had to move out of my home ASAP because they were selling. This was within one month of us dating.

Within 6 weeks of dating, we decided to move in together. He also was kicked out of his home because it was a favor done for him after his divorce and the landlord didn't want him living there anymore. We both needed a home. I searched for other roommates for weeks, not wanting to move in with a new man I was dating. I couldn't find anyone - not a single person who was suitable. I put up ads, I made many phone calls, and I met several people in person. Nothing worked out. Then my now husband offered for us to move in together. At first I said "no, that's far too soon and a crazy thought". Then I got desperate and two weeks later said yes. Within just 2 months of dating, we moved in together.

It turns out that my parents did not sell or move for an entire year plus after they said I must move out ASAP. I could have stayed longer, but they were so insistent on ASAP, despite my having lost a part time job.

It's my own fault - I could have pushed them to allow me to stay longer, but in part, I also blame my parents for kicking me out when I was down in life and desperate. It wasn't good time.

And that's what catapulted my relationship forward into an engagement and then a marriage - was moving in together. He wooed me for months about getting married. I was weakened and vulnerable. Within one month of dating, he was saying to me that he had found "the one". He even cried tears of joy to me, which at the time, I thought was most genuine and real. I was touched by it, but also saw it as a red flag.

And now? I curse myself for having been SO weak and SO vulnerable. I am not angry at my parents, or maybe I am. I just wish they hadn't been so adamant about me moving out when I was in a pickle. And here was this dashingly handsome man, trying to sweep me off my feet.

Man was I STUPID. SO STUPID. I am angry at myself. This really IS a process of varying emotions on a day-to-day basis. Every day I feel something new.

Today I feel anger and regret for the mistakes I made. I wish I had insisted upon a longer engagement OR insisted upon NOT getting engaged after 7 months of dating. I wish I didn't have to move out of my parents' home so quickly. I wouldn't be in this position now had I just been smarter and stronger. But I wasn't.

To me this doesn't spell doom for us. It's just how I am feeling right now. It was a whirlwind courtship, he wooed me like crazy, and now I am just looking back at how fast it all really was.

Now I would caution anyone to take their time, and most especially if there are red flags seen.

I feel really lost right now. I want so badly for things to just be normal - ALL the time. Like right now, he's his loving wonderful self. And I am enjoying it. But forever present on my mind is all that I've talked about on here, i.e., maybe needing to leave him.

OMG ... really?? On this abuse forum I'm on on Facebook, this woman tells me that she threatened her husband with "STOP this, or I will divorce you". He did not stop, and she never left him. Then she says it's been seven years since then. And now he's been able to get the therapist to believe that SHE is the crazy one.

THIS is the exact scenario I wish to avoid myself. That would be my worst nightmare.

Welcome to my nightmare! Your situation is different from every one else’s. There are so many variables for each of us. I’m not even saying mine is abuse.

You’ve spoken about quite a lot of fighting in your short courtship and marriage. That’s not a good sign.

You’ll make the best choice in due time. There’s no rush, and I’m glad you are getting along with him as of now.

I need strength and courage. I do not want to end up like that woman on my Facebook group. This could happen in a month or six months from now. Maybe I'm going about it the wrong way, but is there really a right way or a wrong way? I don't think so. There's individual preferences. I'm doing it the way I feel best and most comfortable with. Who knows? Maybe three weeks from now I will feel differently, I don't know, and maybe I'll be done with it all at that point. A crazy, illogical part of me wants to enjoy the loving aspects I am receiving right now and fall back into it again... back into love, like falling backwards into a soft cushion. It does feel good.

I feel a bit crazy. My emotions are all over the place.

Oy.

There was not a lot of fighting in our courtship. There was a little, but very limited. The fighting began just before our wedding - literally days before - and after the wedding for the next several months.

No, there's no rush.... I am enjoying things as they are right now. But I feel like I am falling into the trap again.... that trap of loving him all over again.

That’s very understandable. You have a very loving relationship when it’s good, but when it’s bad...it’s rotten. There are plenty of couples who stay married like this forever.

Ideally, you can work through how he curbs his yelling at you and you stay married.

I’m not sure about giving him the ultimatum about stop or else divorce. What did the therapist say? I think if that is looming over your heads, it can’t be good.

True enough. But I know I will not keep putting up with this. I have not given him an ultimatum yet. I have my second appt with the therapist next week, who supports me with however I need to go about this.

And yes, ideally he learns a better way of communicating and we stay married and happy together.