Can Two Broken People Help Each Other Heal?

I brought up the dreams thing b/c I could maybe see it becoming a bone of contention. I'm looking to do gig work so I can stay free to work on the nonprofit and I think he thinks I should have a real job. Meanwhile, he's very bright and I personally think he should have a better job than a supervisor in a warehouse, but it's stable so something he's not likely to leave. Also, I HAVE gotten into arguments with people about my goals because other people think I should be living my life some other way. My ex-husband wasn't supportive, for example. I have two friends who are accountants who think I should be building a stable life and a 401K, not putting myself into debt for school. That's why I brought that up.

And as far as the not having money - child support and an ex-wife who screwed your credit putting you tens of thousands of dollars into debt will do that. But I'm sure he's lying about that and really spent all the money on hookers and beer lol.

I would get to the bottom of his credit issue and debt. You joke about him lying and spending the money on hookers and beer instead. I don't really get why a potential lie to you about his past would be funny, but maybe it's your sense of humor.

I had previously stated that I think two people should not be together in order to "save" or "fix" one another's issues. That is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic, it is a dependent relationship dynamic and it is not how it is supposed to work.

You had mentioned that he wants you to live with him to help motivate him in life. That is a red flag. THIS SCREAMS DEPENDENCY. He should be motivated in life all on his own.

He also wanted you to drive him to work everyday. Another red flag. DEPENDENCY. He should be able to drive himself to and from work and to be a self sufficient, independent adult.

He wanted you to move back to where he lives and to move in with him IMMEDIATELY, after meeting only ONCE? BIG RED FLAG. TOO much too soon!

All of this spells BIG trouble to me, in my opinion. But you seem to want to be with him very badly, and I think that we all have to learn for ourselves in life by doing and experiencing. We have to make mistakes and missteps in order to truly learn. But I think this guy would be a mistake for you in the end.

Well the summary of this is that you had one date with a guy and now you are posting on the Internet asking strangers If you should move in with him and pursue a relationship. That’s a very strange question. I am happily married but after first date all I knew that I wanted a second date, I’d not be asking strangers if I should move in with him or move to a different state for him. It’s not negative or positive. You cant expect people advice you to move in with a stranger regardless how wonderful you think he is after one date

There is nothing wrong in working for non profit or having a job that makes a difference. You can still get paid. I make a difference and so is my husband but we still have to pay bills. People have to eat and pay for the roof above their head.

Working isn’t optional. It’s a luxury not to work. Most people would be homeless and starve if they didn't work.

Somebody must be supporting you so you don’t have to work but most people don’t have that luxury. If you plan on someone else supporting you in old age then of course you don’t need 401k. Most people want to have nice fun life in retirement though, being able to travel and pursue hobbies and so on. If you plan on only living on SS, it’s fine, but if you don’t work, it won’t be much and your opportunities will be very limited. You can make a difference in life and still not depend on others neither now nor in old age

You choose your life and make your decisions. We have no idea how your relationship with this guy will play out. Maybe you’ll be the happiest. We can’t really make you decide on this.

I think a relationship is hard enough as the simple thing it is, without making a huge deal out of everything. Like the eggs cheese thing. Maybe he makes a big noise because he felt misunderstood, or intruded upon. If you cant get something that simple right, what hope is there for the rest of your relationship? I think hes saying he finds intimacy painful and or threatening. Its not him, its you, to coin a phrase. Hes not sure if youre the one.

Since you mention leaving home, i would recommend you read the book, Leaving Home by David Celani. Try to figure out how the two of you are trying to help each other. But that is probably a different thing than building a life together. He hasnt left home yet himself.

He didn't joke about the hookers and beer. I did. I was being facetious since Divine said it should be a red flag that he doesn't know how to handle his money.

Did you miss the part where driving him to work every day was a joke? I explained that later in the thread and while I'm typing one response, people are responding at the same time and so I had previously missed a response or two and so maybe you missed the fact where I said that was a joke. It's not a dependency issue.

And nowhere did I say he wants me to move back IMMEDIATELY. He brought it up rather early - I can see THAT being a red flag for some, but he didn't say move in with me RIGHT NOW.

As far as the motivating him in life - is it bad to want someone to give you REASON to do what you do? When I had to go to a job I HATED every day, I did that because I needed that job to support my kid. HE was the motivation. So if having a woman around that you care about makes going into work more tolerable, that's a bad thing? I feel like you're all making it much more dysfunctional than it is.

I'll agree with your statement about saving and fixing. Totally agree. I have to do my work and he has to do his. But I happen to think he's helped me already by confronting me on things that I'm not paying attention to that I need to work on. I feel like he's acting like a therapist in that way. He makes an observation, I agree and he has offered solutions to change my behavior.

Before everyone puts a nefarious spin on that like he's trying to CONTROL me, the specific thing I'm talking about in this instance is the fact that I tend to talk over people sometimes. More likely when I haven't taken my Adderall, but I am that person who jumps in when you take a breath because you sparked something in my brain. He brought that to my attention that I'm talking over him. Or I'll ask a question, but then not exactly give him the opportunity to answer it before I go off on some tangent. Now, I'm being mindful to pause during the conversations.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for having my back.

It is dysfunctional, and you're not seeing that. It is a bad thing to say, "I need someone to motivate me in life". Saying, "I need something to look forward to" is very different. But you stated he needs motivation.

And again, you've only met this guy once and you mentioned moving back for him.

Just be with him, by all means, and try to help each other since that's clearly what you want to do.

Actually that wasn't my question. My question was if two people have issues, is it possible that they can help each other to heal? The moving is more of a risk because my sister is asking me to stay here so if I do decide to leave, I'm disappointing her. To do that AND have it not work out would suck.

You do understand that even the cheese thing was a joke right? I brought that up to make a point about how everything is a joke with him. He's ACTING LIKE I'm an idiot who doesn't know that there's a difference between eggs and cheese when he knows I understood and so he answered it at the end with "No eggs." I'm just trying to get clear on if you understood it was a joke. Now, if you're trying to say that you think a relationship is hard enough without having to be the person deciphering his antics, I'll agree with that. Had we not been speaking as much as we have been I may have thought that he was set off over nothing and figured he really is an effing nut job. But that one was SO OVER THE TOP I knew it was a joke immediately. Sometimes he says things that aren't so clear so yes, that can present a challenge, but again, I don't want him to be "NORMAL." His ridiculous sense of humor is the thing that I most appreciate about him so far. He's different and I like different lol.

There's no indication that he's suggesting you move in together in a year's time.. a more suitable time-frame of moving in with someone new.. at the bare minimum.

My understanding of your story is this. You're planning on visiting him this weekend.. have "great sex" .. and then decide if you're wanting to move forward with his plans on living together. After all, your son lives there, too, so why not? This guy is hot, funny, and "gets" you.

I feel you're putting too much confidence in a guy you DO NOT KNOW.

My advice.. date him. You clearly want to. This weekend you're making the trip over. Next weekend, have him do the 1200 mile drive. Will he? I'm not so sure.. maybe?

Don't rush. Get the facts. Listen to your intuition. Stop defending his actions and consider how his "funny" attitude will impact you over the course of a few months when the honeymoon phase wears off.

If you can't get straight answers NOW, do you think you'll get straight answers once you run into trouble?

Just date the guy. Don't assume he'll be your soulmate simply because you're sexually attracted to him and he's playing all the right cards for "you" (only). He's a stranger. Good luck.

Poor choice of words I guess. I can't tell you EVERYTHING that he says and oftentimes I can't remember exact words, I remember my interpretation of them. So he said motivate, but further conversation is what led to my ultimate conclusion of, "Just send me out into the world every day and let me come home to you." Actually, words similar to those were said also.

I'd be moving back for him sooner than I was intending. My sis wanted me to say 5 years, I figured I'd max at three, but one year from today, after I graduate with my Masters would be a good time to go provided I get my ducks in a row properly this time. I NEVER INTENDED TO LIVE IN CT. I just keep getting stuck here lol.

This is also a controlling tactic.. to create uncertainty and confusion at every little thing. Keep this in mind. You shouldn't have to try and "figure things out" as much as you already have. There are times to be straight forward and honest, and times to joke around. Pay attention to what he's joking about.. what he's being vague or indirect about.

Believe me.. I'm with a "jokster". Six years in and still a lot of uncertainty. It's not funny. It's emotionally draining. It's a headache.. a heartache.. and you'll find yourself going NUTS just trying to fit the pieces together. You'll unlikely ever get all the pieces together.

I'm working on getting the facts and it's my intuition that has me defending him. I don't KNOW anything. I take on faith what he says is true. Actually that's not entirely true. At the beginning when he was blowing me off with everyone whispering in my ear at the time I started to think maybe he was married and BSing me. He's not. My profession has me very experienced in working with public records. I KNOW he's currently living with his mother and I know he's divorced. After her surgery and once the pandemic is over they will sell the house, get her into a 55+ type community and then he is free to go and move where he wants instead of driving 80 miles each way to work. So, I guess because I know he's been truthful on things I CAN verify, my intuition tells me he's being truthful on all else.

Ok, but that's "his" stuff. Focus on a reality that pertains to "you". Are you staying put for a year to finish your schooling? Does he know you have zero intentions of moving back there until your school work is done?

Those first highlighted bits make the beating I took here worth it lol. I've never had this experience of someone using uncertainty and confusion for control. I've been gaslighted. Had someone try to make me think that I didn't know what was going on when I did, but not what you're describing here. I'm going to try to pay attention to what he's joking about or what he's being vague or indirect about. More the vague and indirect because he jokes about EVERYTHING.

So now I'll ask you. If it's emotionally draining and a heartache, why are you six years in?

I didn't say anything about a timeframe for moving at all. I'm just going down to get the lay of the land.

Yeah, and im a comedian. Seriously. As i once told a friend of mine, youre a doctor, im a comedian - dont tell ME you made a joke, i will tell YOU when you made a joke. Okay, it was one of those things i didnt think of til the next day, but still.

I still think you are um whats the word denigrating? What is it that we usually accuse men of doing to women? Like patting them on the head, there there, you made a joke. It was a hostile answer. My point is, NEITHER of you can deal with the INHERENT hostility in an intimate relationship. It's not for sissies. He says something hostile, you ignore his discomfort AND yours, and call it a joke.

If you had ACKNOWLEDGED his discomfort AND your misstep - yes, lacto is not ovo; how about yogurt? - i would feel better, IF he were then able to discuss it, or promise to discuss it. But if he just plain doesnt want to discuss his food with you because thats too intimate, then thats a potential red flag.

I may be too micro, but this is where im at. This is what i need to be clear, to be comfortable with someone. And no, they are not lining up, but SOME people get me.

Learn to Recognize 26 Covert Abuse Tactics — Confusion to Clarity

But it wasn't hostile. If it WAS a hostile answer when I came back at him with, "Don't take that tone with me MOFO" (that's not me being hostile, that's me joking back), THAT would have been met with more hostility. We weren't having a conversation about food. We'd previously had the discussion about how he eats cheese. I was making a quiche this morning and just threw that question about eggs at him out of the blue. When I told him I'd text more once I was done making the quiche, his next text was, a very calm, "Is that why you asked if I like eggs? I used to..." and he went on into more stuff. When we were on the phone later I had said to him that when he's THAT over the top, at least I can tell he's joking because sometimes it's not so easy and he just started cracking up.

If you're the comedian I guess you're a handful too.

Well this thread has gone off the rails from the get go.... Many things you posted are things that the vast majority of people are going say """" RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG"""

Yes coming to a Mental health forum and posted all these things about him? yes you had to know people were going to point things out and tell you its probably not ever going to be healthy , maybe because they themselves have been with someone like him , Or watched a friend or loved one get involved in a mess... Of course you dont have to listen to anyones advice .. PC is a kinda place where you pick and choose what might work or not work in your life..

I say at this point just go jump in both feet and practice safe sex and see where the big wave takes you

If you are wanting to stop this thread so you wont get any more advice you can easily click that red triangle and ask that a Mod close the thread

Good luck

Ymihere you sound very unstable. You should listen to your sister and stay put for 5 years and get some stability in your life. No two broken people cannot fix each other. Maybe some DBT could help you focus on yourself and your issues instead of someone else.

Maybe I'm over reading this but the fact he thinks this is funny, is a red flag for me. There's nothing funny about that. He's the only one laughing and there's a deeper root to this.

I’d not be flying across the country to meet men during pandemics. It’s not safe, especially going in and out of airports. It’s not recommended unless it’s something very important, and this isn’t.

I agree. And to move to another state for another man when you've met them only once makes no sense at all. Focus on your life, on your school and on getting your life off the ground first.

If you are going into debt borrowing money for school (like most people out there so it’s normal), you’ll have to pay it back.

And even with low interest rates student loan payments are very high. No matter what plan are you on.

401k is optional but paying student loan isn’t. So you will absolutely need “real” job to pay your loans back even if you think you don’t need real job for paying your bills.

I doubt you’ll find anyone to pay your loans.

I think your view on how things work is rather naive and unrealistic. You can’t make plans with this guy. You can’t expect to move down there and live with him not even knowing how it’s going to play out financially. Is he going to pay your way? Pay your loan? Not charge you rent? These are serious things unless you want to continue unstable situations

All you can do is maybe plan a second date when pandemics are out but even that isn’t realistic

Another concern is that you said you want to create a non-profit? So you wish to build your own business? That takes money, resources, a lot of time and effort. It takes 100% dedication. I, too, think you are unrealistic about things and are probably distracting yourself from your own life goals with this bozo.

I've reviewed this and don't see how what I shared here somehow fits. You said creating confusion is a tactic.

Confusion / Muddying the waters / Word twisting
“They twist your words, and accuse—all while smiling and pretending to be your biggest supporters.”
Conversations with him are confusing – you lose track but he never does.

He slyly changes the topic to something unrelated to the original conversation, often mentioning something wrong about you. You find yourself in defensive mode because he brings up something that has a kernel of truth.

He twists your words and misrepresents your motives, thoughts, and feelings.

He defines your reality for you.

He accuses you of twisted thinking and not making sense.

He brings up red-herrings to take the topic off course.

He tricks you into going on the defensive by implying, accusing or blaming you for creating problems and drama in the relationship.

He puts words in your mouth, saying, ‘Oh, so now you’re perfect?’ or ‘So I am a bad person, huh?’ when you’ve done nothing but express your feelings.

The confusion he creates is by coming out with random comments out of nowhere. JOKES at a time where we weren't in constant communication like we were at the beginning.

A non-profit would take limited money from me. Time and energy, yes, but grants and fundraising are what pays the bills for a nonprofit. And so your contention is that if I want to have a nonprofit, I'm not allowed a personal life? I guess it has never occurred to anyone that you all are so focused on ONLY what you perceive as red flags that you ignored everything positive I said about him, right? Smart, funny, supervisory experience, experience in sales. The types of things that could actually be useful to me as I build this. Someone to back me up? Pitch in?

Like I said, I'm not STUPID. I'm excited. Giddy. I've never been in a controlling relationship and I don't put up with BS from dudes. In my 30+ years of relationships, I got involved with 2 guys who had drug problems. One kept it hidden when I met him and the other was abusing his own prescribed meds. Both of those were ended by me in short order once I found out what was going on. Broke up with the young Muslim when I found out he was after a green card. So for anyone to say that I'm distracting myself from my own life goals by attempting to have a relationship, I think is REALLY reaching.

I'm not going to go back and read the 5 previous pages but as I recall, I don't think ONE PERSON bothered to ask a single clarifying question about anything I said. EVERYBODY seems to think that they KNOW some guy that they've never met and gave judgment AND OPINIONS on stuff I never asked for opinions on.
I'm assuming many of y'all have been in therapy. Is that how your therapist handled when you brought a situation to them? I doubt it.

Y'all think I have issues and maybe I do. But I guess you all are a bunch of totally together people since you're all omniscient and see clearly my situation based on bits and pieces that I shared, You all held fast to those same beliefs even as I shared clarifying information, which was then construed as me DEFENDING HIM. Maybe, just maybe, you all need to reflect on what it means to HELP someone as opposed to your version which seems to be to JUDGE and give opinions on that which opinions were never asked for. One or two people made a comment about, "No, it can't work" but, as I recall most of those were also based on the judgments made about what I'd written.

So anyway, I figured I'd give you all my judgments right back since you all were so generous with your own.