Where to start

Ruben, these things are not your fault. You and your brother deserve to be free from abuse. It is your father's fault that his behavior made these changes.

My mom talks with someone at the hospital and i think they gave her a referral to someone outside the hospital but idk if she's going to go
My brothers dont wanna talk i dont either. My sister is talking with someone from her school i think. Idk if she's going to get a reall counselor. My mom and you know the nurse at the hospital etc keep trying to make me talk about it but i really dont want to

i just wish i didnt have so many d@mn nightmares though.
they make me shiver and scared to sleep.
It helps sleeping in my brothers room atleast im not alone then
But i cant keep doing that forever. And lastnight i actually woke him up cause i was saying things obv i dont remember but he said it was things like please no, stop.
I hate to be apart from him so much cause of this stupid illness. ruining my life.

I see nothing wrong with you sleeping in your brother's room for awhile. You deserve the comfort.

I'm so sorry that you aren't getting better support, Ruben. I can understand why you don't want to talk to your mom about what happened. That would be too hard, & no one should be trying to make you do that, I don't think.

You should be able to talk with an objective therapist though, someone much easier to talk with. I am so sorry they're not making this easier for you. I really though the United States had response to this worked out better.

Try to enjoy your time with your twin. You need to find something fun to do or at least talk about. Get you minds off these nightmare events. How are you handling school?

You are doing SO well with what you are facing. You did the right thing and the honorable thing by telling the truth. My heart is with you.

i'm sorry i didnt say sooner that i'm not from the usa. I'm from Europe and they did offer me support from a counselor or something but i didnt want to. I talk a little with the nurse sometimes but not as much as they'd like. it's not their fault

Ruben, a counselor can help you sort through your feelings and experiences in ways that I don't think you can on your own. You seem to be trying to avoid everything now, just stuff it down inside you and try to ignore what happened but how can you ignore the nightmares?

Until you've come to terms with everything, those nightmares are going to keep coming back. You've been very brave up to now. Please, Ruben, don't stop now. If you don't deal with these things they will continue to haunt you throughout your life. Please try.

Roadrunner

((((Reuben))))

It is very understandable to hear what your describing, any victim that is here supporting you is very familiar with what your feeling, even your feelings of guilt, and not wanting to talk about the abuse any further.

But lets talk about the human brain for a minute. The night mares that your having come from your brain trying to find a place to file these disturbing memories. All brains process information at night, all the information that we take in during the day and often that comes out in dreams. Sometimes dreams can come together as a combination of different images that we take in during the day even during a couple of days. We have strange dreams that can combine a strange commercial in with at movie or a family member making a comment along with other memories from our past. But as strange as some dreams are, our brain is just filing these images away and can often put them together.

When we go through tramatic experiences and we are frightened by them and even if we talk about some of it but not all of it, the brain doesn't really know where to put these tramas. And tramas have a lot to them and if we are unsettled by these tramas the brain will remind us in our sleep of "Oh, that was scary, bad and threatening, are we safe now?" or " Is there closure is the problem really solved or are we not allowing this problem to be solved so we can feel safe again?". And our brains are designed to do that because that is how we are designed to survive, our brains are designed to warn us of danger and find ways to help us find safety.

Because you wont talk about what happened, what tramatized you, your brain keeps asking where to put this information, where it can rest so that you know your going to be safe, and survive. And you have only told part of the trama and you cannot fool your brain, your brain already knows there was more trama, more danger than you have openly talked about.

The other way we are designed to do is group together and we do that in our family unit.
That is our natural way of thriving. So when something bad happens and a family member that has a dominant position is a threat, it is very hard to break through the strong desire for the family group and allow it to be separated because a family member is dangerous. And that is especially difficult if only one member is put in immediate danger. So another reason why the nightmares are there is to remind you that even though the family unit was thriving in a way, someone was dangerous and you were the one in immediate danger. And that danger could spread to other family members. YOUR BRAIN IS DOING IT'S JOB RUBEN.

Many, many victims stay silent ( children, wifes and even husbands) because they are the only one in immediate danger and they also have to consider the survival of the family unit. And that is why many women stay in marriages that are abusive, they are thinking of survial needs, housing, food, necessities etc. And there is also the element that always takes place where an abuser takes control, frightens whomever is abused into thinking they are trapped and overpowered. So, many victims do NOT speak up or are constantly looking to either escape by pretending the abuse is not so bad or that they might be blamed or even not believed if they speak up.

I know that you don't want to talk about all the abuse, no one does, no one wants to say how bad it really was, especially if something sexual is involved. But your brain is asking you to take care of this, so your brain knows it will be resolved and can finally say, yes, it was all wrong and now it is out and is going to be addressed and resolved.

You have to make sure that the abuser doesn't come near your family unit again. For someone that has been abused it is very hard to do that because you truely were in danger and were overpowered. So by talking about it, and I honestly know how hard it is, it will give the trama away to the one who deserves to be held responsible. It will allow the trama to be address in you with people who are trained in helping you come to the point where you can allow your brain to file it properly and rest. And that does take time, but your brain can't just shove it somewhere and pretend it didn't happen. Your brain needs to know that it can let out the whole experience and find safety and learn how to file that experience.

Is it hard? Yes it is hard to talk about things like this that happen. But I will tell you Rueben, be thankful that other victims have been brave, have talked about and enough victims have come forward so that there is now help for them to learn how to overcome it and get better. You cannot hold on to this yourself, it is not your fault that your father did these bad things, and your father also needs to understand why he did these things.
And as I said before, it is usually because the abuser was abused himself and never told and it just turned into an unresolved trama that became full of anger as he grew and matured.

The truth is the only thing that will set you free Reuben. It is what sets everyone free, not only you and your family but for others who are trapped, afraid and wont speak either. And as dangerous as your father is now, the truth is the only thing that will set him free as well. He has something he is hiding himself that is very deep and full of anger and abuse.

Just think about this Rueben. I know it is hard, but it isn't you that is tearing your family apart, it is your father and his dangerous actions. It doesn't matter that he was punishing you or if you misbehaved, his punishment was too abusive, it was never right, it was truely wrong. And you know it because you wanted to make sure the brother you loved didn't go through it if something happened to you. And those nightmare could have been his too.

Open Eyes

i feel bad you guys are all trying to support me and help me but i just cant do it
it goes against everything i always was used to doing
talking about it with my brother but you keep it a secret for other people
it feels wrong to talk about this stuff
and my brain isnt that smart then if it still dont know im safe now
(i dont feel safe or better now that i *know* im safe)

I don't know what to say, Ruben. I don't know where you are, so I really don't have a clue what sort of situation you're in. I could tell that you weren't getting any sort of support that gave you a secure feeling, and I can't tell you how sorry I am about that.

You have to listen to your own sense of safety. If you don't feel safe, there may be some reason for that. Certainly you ought not to be taking any chances that clearly put you in danger.

On the other hand, you did take a chance and talk about it once. That's why you're not being beaten or sexually abused now, and why your siblings are safe. If you don't talk about it any more, do you know whether the officials will be able to prosecute your father? Or will they have to release him? What are your mom's plans now?

All of us here want what is best for you. What do you think that is, Ruben?

Roadrunner, who is still very proud of you!

i dont think im unsafe thats why its dumb that i cant feel safe most of the time
I'm from the netherlands.
I know talking bout it worked out but i didnt have to say much. And its way diff to talk about the beatings then about the other stuff. And my siblings arent in danger no more and me neither so i dont really have to tell either. It would just upset everyone more. and more questions. they have enough proof of the physical abuse or atleast they said so. and the nurse who pulled him off me when he tried to strangle me.
so i think he goes away for a long time.
My mom is divorcing him. and then we'll probably have to sell the house but that is tough in this market. So idk where we'd end up or how long it will take.
She tries to talk me into talking with someone or with her sometimes.
But i would rather just forget about everything.

Thank you for explaining all that, Ruben. It makes sense as far as you go. It certainly would be great if you could forget it.

And once the divorce is over & your mom's dealt with the housing issue, you won't have to think about it any more. What I worry about is that you'll not be able to forget it. I think bad things like that can't be forgotten simply because you don't want to think about it.

Many years ago I was raped by a man I worked with. He was caught later when he attacked another woman; I identified him & he was convicted. But I tried to ignore it. Many years later I was still having nightmares & had trouble trusting men in general. I got help for it then, but I suffered for a lot of years. That's the sort of thing I'm hoping you don't have to go through.

You can only push yourself so hard, though, Ruben. You've been amazing. I'm just asking you to remember that there are likely to be emotional scars and that sometime--not now but sometime--you will probably want to deal with them & get really all-the-way better. Okay?

Take care. *gentle hugs*
Roadrunner, proud to know Ruben!

Give yourself some time Rueben. You have done a good job. Give yourself a break.

thx. i just feel so so so tired

I'll bet. It seems when you are the safest that all of your "systems" give out, the ones that were on high alert all the time when you weren't safe. You will probably need some time to rest from all of that. Plus you are getting medical treatment. Your body is tired.

Hey, Ruben, are you recovering from the leukemia treatment? Feeling any stronger?

Roadrunner

I'm still very tired. But I get a break from chemo for a few weeks now so i should be doing a bit better in a few days or so.
I had some weird disturbing dreams though last night. so.. triggers involved probably so dont read if you dont want to.

In the first one me and my brother were running away from someone or some place. I don't who or who we were running away from. But I was so tired i had to sleep and it was dark outside so we hid in a bunch of fallen leaves. Someone walked up to us, a shadowy figure of a huge guy. My brother dived into a pile of leaves i just mainly moved to a corner of a fence till i couldnt go no further and he almost tripped over me and i was sure he saw me but he just walked away. Then it was day and we were in some kind of little public bus and i was struggling to get the door open so a girl helped me. She got of and it was like i heard what she was thinking about cause i told her we didnt need to get off the bus till the next stop probably. And she said or thougt something like 'they are waiting for them on the next stop haha). So we got of the bus anyway and walked in the opposite direction of where she went, to the docks.

Then another dream. I was sitting in a random church in a random city i dont know. It was a fairly big church but it didnt look like a church from the outside. It was full of people. There was a HUGE cross in the middle. Appereantly it was a funeral. I didnt know her. Two man carried an old lady inside the room she was sitting like in some kind of half egg shaped chair. She was totally grey hair clothes (if she wore any at all, im not sure) skin. I think she was dead anyway. They said they were going to crucify her before they burried her because they werent sure if she had to many sins to go into heaven so they had to do this to reduce the sins first. I was horrified and ran out of the church with my mom. Stopped a police officer on the streets. Told him and first he started running to the church but when i told him she was dead he was like well its not like its forbidden, we cant do anything against that.

Then me and my (older) brother went back to elementary school, our parents dropped us off in a little bus. My mom wanted me to kiss her but i said i cant do that infront of all these kids. My brother went to his class right away but as always when i go back to school in my dreams i wasnt sure what my class so i asked someone and then went to my class and sat down. Then they were all gone suddenly so i went outside also and had no clue where to go and didn't know where my brother was either.

Esp the middle dream freaked me out i dont know why my mind makes up this stuff :/

It's dark. I'm staring at my glow in the dark clock. I don't like being alone at night. But I don't want to keep waking my bro up when i'm like this, throwing up all the time and sleeping and waking at the oddest time. I feel like a little kid again when i'm like this. I know that he is gone. But i feel almost the same ... fear,nervousness as when he was still here. Expecting the door to open. A tall black figure in the doorway. The door that closes. Him coming over to my bed, lifting up the blankets and pulling down my pyamapants and underwear... The pain and hot tears... I FEEL it SEE it SMELL it as if it is happening right now. i must be going nuts

You must tell...........

I really agree with the other posts as well. Having been abused as a child, I know that being physically or verbally abused is part of a vicious cycle leading to depression and issues later. In most states, when a child reports abuse to a teacher or counselor they are bound by law to report it. It will be investigated and appropriate action taken. It does not always mean a family break up but sends a warning to the abuser that their behavior is not appropriate.

((((Reuben)))))

At night as we sleep our brain tries to put our experiences together and files them.
When we are toubled often these troubles are something our brain tries to solve while we sleep. Our brain is very busy while we sleep grabbing experiences and memories and all the ways we problem solve to see how it can work out our issues so it is ready for new thoughts and information to come in and process. And if we are very troubled the brain pulls out other troubled thoughts and visions from our past and often trys to put them together like a puzzle and thinks about how these visions work, what to do with them.

You have a lot of confused feelings right now, your brain is only trying to help you out. The more you find resolve and discuss the things you truely cannot resolve on your own, the better your brian will do at finally finding resolve. That is why therapy can help you so much because you can pass your worries on and truely be comforted and assured and helped to find inner peace, mind, body and soul. Perhaps that is what that dream about the church was, you were questioning your inner peace and your soul and because your not sure about that you dreamed about something that also left questions and fears. And the policemans answer was your desire to find help but he somehow failed you. You need to allow yourself to get help Reuben, you deserve to be fair to yourself. What happened was not your fault, your holding onto a guilt that doesn't belong to you.

If you can get up the courage to speak to a good therapist, that therapist will help you and you will begin to rest easier.

((((((( many gently hugs to you))))))

We are always here to listen Reuben, we all know about having disturbing dreams and feeling alone and frightened, but we also know that getting help is where we finally found REAL comfort.

Open Eyes

You need to process what has happened to you (therapy).

More q's from the police making me very uncomfortable
Making my sister cry and my older brother pretends he's just fine but I know that he is not i can see right trough his wall he put up around him
I *know* it was the best thing to do, to tell, but it doesn't FEEL that way at all
Last week was tough anyway I always feel bad around the end of a chemo round
Next few weeks should be better but I still wish I was able to just go to school like my brothers and sister do. It's nice to not have to go for chemo but its also lonely in a way. And I even get nervous when I have to be alone with my mentor from school, or anyone who's not close to me even though i never was before
I know you'll just say again that ive got to tell anyone but it seems impossible just thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach and I can just FEEL his hands and everything

((((Reuben)))))

Everything your feeling is a normal reaction to what you have experienced. This is something that happens with all victims of abuse. And when an adult does get caught, one child comes forward, or someone sees something and once that takes place eventually more of the victims come forward. No one wants to believe that these bad things took place, no one. And the main reason an abuser gets away with abuse is because the victim somehow feels so uncomfortable and over powered that they often stay silent. And many stay silent because they don't want any of it to become public. But if you have a therapist that you see you can request that the information you discuss be private. You can even have the therapist sign some kind of agreement between the two of you.

I totally understand not wanting everyone to know all of it, your trying to be brave and part of you doesn't want to disturb your family even more. But you do deserve to have private councel for your personal issues, you truely do.

We are here to listen and many of the member that visit this forum do understand why you struggle. But as I said before, it just wasn't your fault and you do deserve to have someone help you with it. We are here to listen and support you Reuben.

(((((Big Gently Hugs)))))

Open Eyes