Expressing Anger

I am struggling with something that's been hard for me for a long time--expressing anger about my abuse. I feel like I can't even wrap my brain around what "expressing anger" is. For my whole life I have always denied my anger because I am scared of it, scared of how it make me like the person who hurt me. I only ever expressed my anger at him by self-injuring and hurting MYSELF. That part of m life is over, but the anger is still in me and has nowhere to go.

He expressed anger yelling or being violent. I don't know what healthy expressions of anger are. I don't want to do things like hit pillows or throw dishes. I actually tried those and found them very upsetting. I feel like I need to find a way to put words to my anger, but whenever I think about it I start to space out and forget what I'm trying to do. This is hard.

How do you express anger?

Well, actually my therapist TOLD me to go into my bedroom, shut the windows and doors and POUND the pillows and scream at the person (who of course wasn't there). He told me to holler out all the things I would like to say to the person who hurt me -- get it ALL out. He said do it for however long it takes. Keep pounding, screaming & talking/yelling until I get all the feelings of anger out. But he wanted to make SURE I said everything I ever wanted to say to this person.

I had to do it more than once because I kept thinking of more things that I didn't say the first time. It WAS very therapeutic -- it really DID help, even tho I didn't get to say it in "person." I got a LOT of anger out, and I didn't feel the intense anger that I did before. In time, this anger abated, and actually just "went away." The anger turned into dislike of the person. And now I just don't care one way or the other.

So I guess he really knew what he was talking about. At first I thought it was kind of weird --- but it worked. I suppose it's different for everyone. But I'm glad I did it. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for sharing your experience! I am in awe that the angry feelings were able to fade away. That gives me hope because I am afraid I will never be free of it.

I don't think I could scream and hit, but I do think it would help me to write or say all those things as you expressed. I find that I tend to talk about being angry a lot--how I am mad and how it scares me-- but I hardly ever go deeper than that to talk about WHY I am angry, WHO I am angry at. I can hardly even thnk about it

My T and I just started by talking about the fact the rage exists, and he reassured me fairly often that it is actions and not feelings that make people abusers. Feeling angry was justified and did not make me like the abusers in my life. I found these discussions with my T so distressing, that I did not even remember the first few times we talked about it. It does get better and easier, though, as you become a little more comfortable with the fact that anger does not equal abuse.

Music is the only way i can express myself....like you I dont know what to do with it.

MKAC, yes to all of this. I am so terrified to get mad because I don't want to be anything like an abuser. And like you, I tend to check out pretty early in my conversations with T about this because I get scared. I'm so glad I am not alone in that!

Oh, you know what? When I was younger I found listening to music a really good outlet. There is some angry music I haven't listened to in years--time to go create a new playlist! Thanks for reminding me of that.

I keep having to learn and re-learn that anger does to equal violence or aggression. I guess one of these days the lesson won't be so scary and will start to stick. My next step, I think, is to actually put words to my anger. SCARY.

skeksi, my T assured me that there was a point to having the conversations about anger even if I do not remember them. He said therapy is all about establishing new neural pathways and we do that by talking about the emotions and the needs, blah blah blah. I admit that I did this: at him repeatedly when he would tell me that, but the reality has been that I am better with anger than when I started therapy. I can remember discussions about anger now, and I can feel anger without it edging over near rage, and without the fear of becoming an abuser, or being abused. It does get better.

I really appreciate you starting this thread and for the other members input. I have a very difficult time with anger. I can write about it, vent here but irl I hold it in and ultimately turn it on myself.

I do not know how to express all the anger built up inside of me in a constructive way. It doesn't help that my mother used to tell me I was "ugly" when I was so frustrated and angry I would just cry because she / they wouldn't validate or give any support.

All of my pleas, frustrations, hurts fell on deaf ears. Still does.

I am hoping to work on this with my new T so I can finally rid myself of all this toxic sludge that has built up inside of me. I want to be free of this. It is exhausting.

My former T brought up the ideas of getting it out by screaming in the car, hitting pillows in private, roll playing with her, writing letters that I never send, etc but for some teason they dont work for me. I just feel stupid, awkward.

The people that I have so much anger toward dont care and have shown me they dont care over and over. For the longest time, all I wanted was an apology. Which never came. It continues to not come because they are perfect and refuse to apologize.

There has got to be a way, though, to release this... I truly hope.

I'm sorry Skeksi but I don't express anger either. In fact I don't have anger and I know I should. I'm still just feeling wounded. Take care please.

"The people that I have so much anger toward dont care and have shown me they dont care over and over. For the longest time, all I wanted was an apology. Which never came. It continues to not come because they are perfect and refuse to apologize." quote Rose

The truth to this Rose is that these people simply don't "know enough" to "see their ignorance and shortcommings". They only "think" they are perfect however as you have come to learn, they are actually "shallow, ignorant, and perfectly imperfect".
They are "nothing without their "things or materialistic surroundings".

What you have not yet truely recognized is that these people are actually spiritually and emotionally "destitute". Your subconscious mind is still struggling with understanding the "true worth of a human being" because it is "these ignorant people" that taught you that "the things they have are what makes a person "valuable" and even "powerful" and worthy of "respect". And your brother is showing you how awful the result of this "thought pattern" taught to a child can be so destructive. You have been struggling with this yourself, however out of all these people you are finally the "only one" that is seeing the reality and moving away from the "ignorance" they impressed upon you.

This is a "difficult stage" of recovery. When abuse comes from one's own family members, it is a challenge when you get to a point where you can "identify" the abusers this way. To see "their" willfull ignorance and also see what it cost you personally is a big challenge. Ofcourse you are going to be "angry" at seeing the reality of "any abuser" and how it caused you "emotional bankruptsy" as well.

And it is "normal" to go back and forth with anger towards them, and anger towards self for perhaps not seeing it sooner or even knowing how to "react to it". It is also very hard to look back at the times where you felt a need and how many times it was not met. And when the majority of PTSD victims see these problems and realize the loss and hurt it causes, they often have a temedous urge to find a way to "expose" the truth for "all to see".

This is a very "normal" human response for anyone who has been any kind of victim.
We are actually designed to experience these urges in order to alert other human beings of some kind of potential harm. Anger is "energy" and it is there to provide us with certain chemicals that give us enough strength to "fight" for our survival. But it is also there so that we become more alert to "gaining knowledge" as well. And it "can" be used to drive us to find new ways to "self empower and learn new ways of protecting our personal boundaries".

When we finally learn to see something "bad or toxic about others" we do not have to tell ourselves to be "angry". If we are only just seeing the "reason for our emotional pain" that we did not understand before, it doesn't mean we have to be "angry" at ourselves for not having an immediate "resolve" for it either. This can be a challenge when someone presents with PTSD, as with PTSD it is harder to regulate our emotions. We do not "have to be angry", we can have other "options" that we can learn to use instead of just "anger".

A way to help oneself deal with anger is to sit down and write out a list. I am angry because....and then list the things that others have done to you that have hurt you.
As you write this list it is important to include whatever background you can that created "this abuser". What this does is help you see what this abuser really is. Often abusers are people who themselves have been hurt or neglected or abused as well. By doing that you can also become familiar with the "victim" inside the abuser.
The reason you need to do this is so that you can see the "vulnerable part" that abuser is trying to protect, but does so in very "unhealthy" and often "ignorant ways".

Often we look at our abusers as purely evil and purposely harming others. By tearing down their exterior abusive ways, we can see the frail person that is really there. When we do that, we can see how "we are actually better than" the abuser in ways we do not see. The goal is to finally be able to react to the abuser knowing that "they are actually the victim in many cases" and that "we can choose to no longer be "their victim". In our subconscious, instead of seeing a large looming power over us, we can instead see a small minded ignorant person that we are "larger than" instead.

The truth is, we "can" actually become "larger than" any abuser. The moment we choose to walk away from "ignorance" and embrace our intellect instead, we begin to self empower in ways abusers can no longer control.

The first step is in identifying the abuser or ignorance. Then allow ourselves to "learn what that means" and to "develope ourselves inspite of it" We cannot "change" those who choose "ignorance", we can only choose to walk away from ignorance ourselves towards "self empowerment".

I admitt that I still struggle with "anger" myself. But I keep working on learning and self observing as well as reminding myself that I do not have to always respond with "anger". I am really trying to "reason" instead.

Open Eyes

Yeah, I remember the days when I couldn't talk about the abuse without flipping out, and now it's not great, but I can do it. Establishing this particular neural pathway feels kind of like building a bridge across the ocean! I appreciate your encouragement very much, MKAC.

I have always turned it on myself as well, quite literally. I stopped hurting myself years ago but didn't give the feelings an alternate path so they are all dammed up, and a little thumbhole feels like it's going to start a deluge.

My T originally suggested some of the more physical releases but admitted they were a bad fit for me. He has encouraged art, and I've done it to help me through lots of fear and shame, but I guess the anger I've been afraid to put on paper that way. Guess it's time to get the paints out...

Yeah, I think this has a lot of merit. I don't know exactly what made my abuser so damaged he had to hurt me--T and I have some theories, but ultimately it doesn't matter. The point is he felt out of control and helpless and tried to get out of it by dominating me. Now, I feel out of control and helpless--and I don't hurt anyone (except myself). Taking care of myself and others in the face of those feelings--that proves I'm not like him.

He was most likely abused. Some abused people feel the only way to not be a victim anymore is to be the perpetrator.

What I try to remind myself is that "anger" doesn't always "have to be" negetive energy either. The emotion of Anger has a lot adreneline in it. Therefore it can be pure energy, the important thing though, is that we do "not' have to use this "energy" in a negetive way at all, we don't even have to "turn it inward either" we can actually "choose" to simply burn it off in a "positve way" that "produces something positive" for us inspite of whatever it is that creates this energy.

For example, we can take up brisk walking, or jogging or excercising, all things that can take the adreneline that has an end result of "a stronger and healthier body", which is a "positive". I can say, that I used to "clean" like crazy, to burn it off, and afterwards I had something "positive" to enjoy verses taking it out on "myself".

Open Eyes

Yeah, physical activity burns it off pretty safely. I need to remember that--even if it's late at night, I can do sit-ups, push-ups, etc. to release some of it....Think I'm going to have to make a card I can refer to with all these ideas!

I also do some sort of social-justice type things that funnel my anger constructively, and I wonder if I need to be more mindful of that in order to feel the "release" of it. I got into doing them *because* of what happened to me, because I was (am) angry about it, and that's using the anger for a constructive end.

The need to be more mindful of my feelings and how I channel them is becoming a theme.

I wish I had more outlets for my rage. I mostly write cause my roommate can't hear me do that. I have had therapists tell me that they can't work with me unless I express my anger physically. I am really scared to do that, esp with no outlets. I took voice lessons once and my teacher wanted me to learn to shout so that I could get used to my voice and I told him my roommate would get upset and so would the neighbors.

So I just walk vigorously on the beach, write, talk to Ani (mentor), listen to music, and most importantly, I validate all my feelings, esp my rage, cause my caretaker, too, told me I was ugly. She kept comparing me to my abusive father, her abusive mother, etc. I grew up feeling like the ugliest monster on earth.

I also turned it on myself, hurt myself and of course, my caretaker got upset about that and called me "crazy" some more.

Our anger and rage at what happened to us is normal; their abuse of us was not. That helps me, too, remembering that.

thanks,

Carol

I don't think that's right. I think for some people, expressing anger physically is terrifying and you should never be pushed into it. I understand why you can't shout at home--I do it in my car, sometimes!

I got mad at someone at work today and I am second-guessing myself and whether my reaction was "appropriate." The rational part of me says I was brusque and probably clearly mad but totally socially appropriate. The emotional, traumatized part of me is thinking I must have seemed like a crazed banshee.

T has been telling me I have to practice expressing it and getting "too" mad so that I can figure out what "mad enough" is. It's taking every ounce of my being not to quit on him and shut all this away forever.

Skeksi, if you deal with this you can leave it behind. Please try to continue working on this?

Thanks, Sannah. I appreciate the encouragement, and I do think you're right. The way out is through.

I'm a first-time poster and just wanted to say this is a great thread. A lot of my issues could be discussed in adult children of alcoholics or emotional abuse threads, but as a result of that upbringing I certainly have issues expressing anger and other emotions, too. It is a crippling feeling, especially as you become more aware of your issues and emotions, but lack the proper tools to navigate them. That is, the tools are in you, but finding and honing them can feel like completely alien work. I think a lot of the advice here is in tune with that. It is worth every effort, though, because it is your life.

I really like this idea. Thanks for sharing!

I actually got mad this week and expressed it mostly constructively--and the part that wasn't constructive, I learned a lesson about how I don't feel good about expressing my anger.

Getting mad about stuff in my daily life feels a little like letting a bit of air out the balloon inside of me filled with all the anger about the abuse. At the same time, it also makes me pay more attention to the balloon, which is kind of like remembering you have a broken leg you forgot about. It hurts.

I'm hoping to get mad some more this week to keep testing out the theory about letting little bits of anger out. I want people to piss me off so I can practice responding!

Very good skeksi!

I can barely comprehend " wanting someone to make me mad". I have only ever been able to express anger to the very few people i am really close to. This is unfortunate because they get the full accumulation of all that's built up inside me, meant for others as well as them. Luckily i have learned not to blow up at my wife and children. I have learned that i can tell them i am angry and we can talk about why. Sometimes, though, this leads to me feeling guilty and being tough on myself. Then i am apologetic and the original issue is unresolved.
I wish i could believe that it could be okay to be angry, and even tell a stranger or a coworker what i really thought, instead of cowering away and being that super agreeable, non confrontational doormat i end up being, leaving me enraged at myself.
I hope to more good things in this thread.
Thanks to all. Stay strong.

I know what you mean. It feels so risky to share anger with other people. My worst case scenario is people ending their relationships with me based on my expression of anger. This is not altogether unreasonable--I saw one of my parents end relationships with friends based on anger, so I think I internalized that--I've never EVER expressed anger towards my parents even though they permitted my abuse. I always fall into the role of "They must be right/I don't have a right to be angry." Intellectually, I know that's not true, but emotionally? I totally buy into it.

skeksi, are you discussing your anger with your T?