[ThePainNeverDies]

It seems so unreasonable for me to be so anxious, so scared, so upset... But... How can I not be when it's just recently been the one year mark fro when I was raped the first time?

I woke up the other night, to myself screaming at the top of my lungs... I woke Connor up who was sleeping beside me. He was panicking about why I was screaming, hugging me telling me it's ok I'm safe, nothing's gonna hurt me, he's there etc. I have no idea why I screamed, though...

Apart from... Just after I screamed, I saw a flash of light and there was Dean... Kneeling over me, pinning me down, that sick and twisted nasty smirk on his face... He told me that I'll never escape from him and that he will get me back for what I did. That I encouraged him, that I made him do it...

I Made Him Hurt Me??? How the hell does that make sense??? He was the one that slipped that bloody drug into my drink, the one that thought it'd be fun to test out the date rape drug... I was the first, but I most certainly wasn't the last.

Last night I went to have a shower, something to relax me before I went to bed... But it wasn't relaxing. I was terrified that he'd crash through the ceiling, bash the door down, I kept seeing his white jacket from that night, flashing past the shower door. My God, it was the least relaxing thing I could've done.

So... I was anxious for the rest of the night, kept seeing him, running around my room, next to my bed, behind me, in my mirror. GAAAHHHH!! It's driving me INSANE!

I hate being like this. I'm so scared he's going to come and get me... I have to sleep with both lights on now, instead of just one, music on, I have to be able to see all the way around my room and I just keep thinking he's going to smash open my window, or climb in when it is open and hide in my wardrobe, or that he'll follow me into my room, or get signed in by someone else at the YMCA, or.... Or... Anything. I just.. I swear he's after me and I'm so scared and I don't know what to do...

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((((((((PND))))))))))))))))))))))))))

abuse and rape NEVER make sense...........also it is NOT your fault
beads here if you need to talk.
keep trying to clam yourself and be good to yourself........
you ARE good!

hang in there

beads
(pm us anytime)

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thanks beads...

I have a horrible migrauine that's causing my eyesight to go alittle fuzzy, so I'm sorry fo rany typing errors. I need to takle my meds to get rid of it.

I hink I'll always feel like it's my fault, the erape.. I don't know though. I know I need help with sortgn through my feelings about it and understandig that other oeople are right when they say that it's not my afult, but I just think... Well.. I was the one that got drubnk with him, trusted him. I wasthe one that left my drink unattended :-/ so.. I was the one that instigated it...

Probably sounds a stupid and backwards theory, but that's how I feel aboutit.
I don't want him to haubnt my sleep anymore, or my daytimes... I'm sick of it/. Part of the reason for this migraine is because I'm so anxious that he's gonn acome get me.

*sob* I hate this life. I hate everything about it apart form my bf. He's the onyl one IRL that csares. There are a few people that I'll be meeting IRL thta I met online, ubut otherwise I feel liek he's the onyl one IRL that cares. What;s the point in goin g on if I just feel anxious and scraed all the time?

[beadlady29-old]

have you thought about seeing a counselor\therapist to help you sort out your feelings? a good place to start to try to find someone is your local comm. mental health organization. if they can't help, they can direct you to who can.
Also, can you trust your bf to help you stay safe?
Sorry you is hurting so bad..............try to love urself a little bit each day if you can.

sending you a hug iffen you want it,

mary of beads

[Sannah]

TPND, I have learned here that many people put the blame on themselves because this gives them a feeling of control because then everything rests in your hands and this gives you power. What it ends up doing is making you torture yourself with blame. There are better ways to empower yourself............

The thing with these date rapes is that they don't attack you like the stranger rapes so as long as you don't go out with him you will be safe from him.

[ThePainNeverDies]

He doesn't live here anymore... He lives a few miles away, but he still knows where I live and I still think he's after me.
I saw my CMHT and they couldn't help at all. They did nothing but make me feel worse if anything. I went to PRS a few weeks ago, think it was a day after I'd s/h'd or something and their services cost too much.. If I lived closer it wouldn't be so bad, but I don't so it's pretty much an impossible situation.

I got a call from Anita from SWEDA a few hours ago and my first appointment with my SWEDA counsellor is on 22nd April. A while away, but I'm still terrified... By then I'll have lost another 8lbs or so... Over a stone... I've met the counsellor before, her name's Sian. I wasn't so keen on her at first, but once I met her the 2nd time, i got used to her. I think she's going to be surprised... At everything that's happened and such since we last met...

Heh. Dean... He attacked me as much as he possibly could. If he'd have had time to get a knife he would have... he just used his nails instead and teeth and fists. Gahhh it's horrible. I can't stand the flashbacks.. They're ruining my holidays!

I'm not safe though.. I never will be safe... Not unless I move away to somewhere that he won't know where I am, but I bet he'll find out somehow. My bf? Yes, i can trust him to keep me safe but I don't want to have to put that on him... It's not fair... He struggles with the fact that some guy had sex with me without my permissiona nd whilst I was going out with Connor... There was a time when Connor asked me if it actualyl was rape, whether I did actually want it...

Would I have been in such a state on the night if I HAD wanted it? Would I have had a fit because of anxiety and so much alcohol in my system, along with the drug, if I had wanted it. Gaaaahhhhh!! I feel guilty enough for it as it is... I know it freaks Connor out when I get flashbacks and I've never had them so bad until this year.. Connor cried he was so scared... That's how much he worries about me... I just kept pushing him off, though... Everytime he came close to me, hugged me, touched me, anything... I just told him to get off me...

I was shaking like crazy and sweating and I'm just so scared by it and I don't know what to do

[Sannah]

I can't wait until your therapy starts. I don't think that it is wrong of you to lean on Connor to protect you. Why can't you receive assistance from him?

[chaotic13]

(((TPND))) I am so sorry that you are caught up in the grips of this anxiety loop. You mentioned that the threat still exists and is real. You may not be able to totally eliminate this threat. But is there something you can do to reduce your vulnerability even just a little bit. Something that can make you feel more protected and a little safer. Maybe make some little improvement in home security like cutting back bushes in your yard. Creating or reviewing your emergency action plan. Reminding and celebrating yourself for how strong and resilant you are and how much you done to overcome his abuse.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have received assistance from him, he hugs me and makes me feel better when I need him to... But i can't go to him everytime I feel crap about it. It brings him down and it makes him feel crappy because of another guy having sex with me...

Gaaaah! I'm shaking so much right ow... I don't know hwy... I just keep shainking and I can't seem to stop it.. it's liek the other night again and it s horrible.

i can't make my plave any safer thagb it already is. I jhavb CCTV outside and I have a lock on ,y doors and windows. I liev in a foyer, so I can't make mahy alterations you see.

Gee mt typing's so carp atm!! Sorry guys... I have a feleing I've got a major panic attack cominmg on.. Sorry.
I cant' wait until my therapty starts either. I can't wait to sstrat sorting out all this crap that's been going on. Heh.

I dont feel very dtrong to eb perfectly honest. I feel wuite weak in fadct, having to come on forums and post abotu dtuff.

Sorry im realt not in a good state atm.

[shar73]

Hi,

I was really moved by your story and I felt impelled to reply to your thread and tell you how brave I think you are talking about this horrible man and event.

This man was not having sex with you he was trying to control you and exert his power over you.

You never mentioned it but did you press charges against him??

At least you have your appointment with the counsellor and hopefully that should help just a little. i know it is a way away but keep focused on it and before you know it it will have arrived, just one day, hour, minute at a time.

I think that you are very brave by telling your story and your feelings but be assured you are amongst friends and we are all with you.

Sending you lots of hugs and love

Sharon

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you so much Sharon, that means a lot. I find it hard to believe I'm brave, what with the way I've coped with it (self harm, ED etc).

I did press charges... he came into college a few weeks later. One of my closest friends was in the same class as him and he was jumping for joy at how he'd gotten away with it. My friend (Meekey), called me and I missed the call, but went into the canteen and saw her in tears. I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. I asked her what it was and she blurted "He got away with it!! The f*cking w*nker got away with it!! HOW THE ***** DID THAT HAPPEN!!!!!??????"

I was too shocked to say anything... I hugged her and then just burst into tears... Everyone crowded around me, and HE walked past, laughing at me. I glared at him and almost ran over and beat the crap out of him. I'm not violent, but he made me WANT to be violent towards him. So yeah. He knew before I did that he'd got away with it.

And guess what??? Two WEEKS later, the officer in charge of the case came to me and told me he'd gotten away with it!! Just when I'd started to calm down about it!! He told me I "didn't look like the type of person to have been raped with the 'trenchcoat thing and such'" WHAT THE *****!!!!! Sorry. I'm so angry about it. HIM and the police have wrecked my life!They've never taken me seriously. When i got raped the first time, whe i got raped the second time, when my Adoptive Mother tried to strangle me... Why don't they ever take me seriously?? Even when I was in tears to them!

It's not fair... He got a restraining order for a while, don't know if it still stands, but he wasn;t allowed within 10ft of me or something.. but he still walked as close to me as possible in college...

Heh. I hate him.

[beadlady29-old]

hey again........................just wanted to let you know
that we are still here with you...........just setting iff you
want...........offering you a shoulder to cry on if you need it,
offering a life rope for you to grab onto as well anytime you need it,
and promising that we will NOT ever let go!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hang in there..................this CAN get gooder but it may take some
time.................patience is difficult ( reckon thats why its called a
virtue ) but if you can try and be patient while being vigilant the way it asounds like you feel you need to be, it wont be long and you WILL
get to see your counselor!
our heart and prayers are with you

mary of beads

also feel free to pm anytime if you need to

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thank you, Beads...

Thanks for the life rope. I'm holding on as much as I can, but someday I fear I may let go... I've let go before and it really was not a pretty sight :/ Made many people cry!

I just want to feel better.. Is that SOOOOO much to ask? Is it so much to ask that I can just live my life how I want to live it with not so many people hurting me so much? Is that so much to ask? I want to live a happy life. I want to feel like anything is possible... but at the moment, it feels like everything is IMpossible

I wish I could just BE without feeling like it's wrong.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Is it so much to ask that I can just live my life how I want to live it with not so many people hurting me so much?

I want to live a happy life.

I want to feel like anything is possible... but at the moment, it feels like everything is IMpossible

I wish I could just BE without feeling like it's wrong.

TPND, these are all the things that you can have but in order to get there you need to work through the things that are keeping you from them. I had to learn a lot of this stuff.

What feels wrong when you just "be"?

[beadlady29-old]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PND}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

keep hangin on hun....................beads still here an wont let go

ya know PND..........all that you can do is your goodest and THAT IS
good enuf..............both for you and everyone else in your world............

beads know it is hard to live in a world that seems so scarey and hurtful and would like
to tell you that it WILL get less frightening as you learn that you cant control or change anyone or anything in your piece of the world except yourself..........and also that you will learn to teach others how to treat you
i.e. do not accept anything less then complete respect from those around you
because that is what you deserve

always here

mary of beads

[ThePainNeverDies]

It's the fact that everyone hurts me when I just "be". It feels like they don't want me to be here at all, so it feels wrong to be here, does that make sense? Probably not. I'm not making much sense at all today.

I don't WANT to change anyone in my life. I know how it feels to have people trying to change you.. I wouldn't do that. I accept people the way they are, because I like to know people the way they are, not as someone they're not. A fake.

How do I show people that I don't accept anything but complete respect from others? have so many life skills to lean.. I mean.. I have the life skills that most 17 year olds wouldn't need, because of being kicked out and such.. but I just dont' know how to show people to repect me... I've got angry with people and told them straight that if they don't respect me, I won't respect them, therefore won't do any favours for them,. Is that good enough? Or do I need to do more?

I hate asking for answers to what people might see as such obvious and easy to answer questions... I feel like a 10 year old.. Maybe because part of my personality is stuck at being a 10 year old especially in situations liek being respected and people shouting and such, because that takes me back to being a 10 year old because that's what happened when I was a 10 year old. I just was NOT respected or accepted at all...

I wish I knew how to do such simple things as teach people how to treat me.. I mean... They all try and take advantage of me... For instance Rich. If I go to his room, or if he sees me in a corridor he asks if I'm alright, I say yeah, I ask him the same and he just starts going on about all this crap and I'm just like.... WTF??? It's more of a greeting, when someone passes you by you can either say hello, or alright.. Or whatever.. And you just say it back, then if they ask how you are you say then how you are or whatever. He just never gives me a break... I can jut imagine if he had a counsellor and saw them in town and they said hi, he'd stop and start rambling about his problems. It does my head in.

I'm cutting off all contact with these people, or trying to and he just won't let me I just wish they'd all go away and let ME sort out MY life... After all I deserve it, don't I? He's getting counselling for the grieving over his Gran's death, he just comes to me about how upset he is over Charlene not wanting to be with him. He KNOWS she'll neverf want to be with him, yet he keeps trying though everyone's said to back off. It's insane! Sigh.

Tom got p**sy with me because I told him I can't talk to him anymore because I need to sort myself out and he's not helping atm by being so clingy with me and because of what happened between us causing mine and Connor's relationship to be screwed up. It's not fair. So... We've broken off contact now, because if he truly cared, he'd understand and wouldn't get so angry with me for it.

I just went on wii fit and my BMI.. Pfft. It really got to me, let's just say that. I worked out for 40 minutes. In lots of pain now, but oh well. I still haven't eaten... I plan to put it off as much as I can

I hate being so obsessed with my weight... But it's how I've been brought up.. To have to be perfect and perfect in everyone elses eyes seems to be skinny, good personality, kind, caring, loving, does everything for everyone, clear complexion, hair cut at least every 6 weeks, lovely legs, flat stomach.

I want to be all of those.. I know I've got the personality... Just not the body parts.. I have nice hair, but it needs a cut. Sigh.

I hate my abusers, all of them. I wish I could hurt them as much as they hurt me. I hate them so much *sob* they've ruined my life!

[beadlady29-old]

{{{{{{{{{{{{TPND}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

we HEAR and FEEL your pain.............
you are not alone and the feelings and issues you are describing are soooooooo familiar to beads............
life is a learning process........like you will be learning how to cope, react to others, etc. for the rest of your life.......beads does not mean to make you feel like a 10 year old by any means.........what is good enough? You exactly as you are.right NOW.........its not so much about what others think about us as it is what we think about ourselves because in the end thats what really matter.............yes, others offen are fickle .........like it is more important to be true to yourself an accept/love yourself..........it sounds like you are really discouraged rite now and beads wish her had a magic wand or knew the right thing to say that would take all of that away but there is not sigh......
as long as you know that you are doiung your best.....dont worry so much about what others think...iffen your best aint good enuf then that is thieir issue/problem..not yours..............as for the hatred towards your abusers an such, there isno easy answer there either.......all we can tell you is that holding bitterness in your heart towards others seems to have a ripple effect that causes us to also have negative feelings about ourselves..........that said, forgivesness IS difficult an this also takes time...........
PLEASSSSSEEE dont be so hard on yourself..........beads gets this from experience we can be our own worst enemy at time in expecting perection ertc.............an we tell you it is NOT worth it
can you do one thing today that is like being good or gentle to yourslef?
maybe do something that YOU enjoy or a hot bubble bath or a walk in the woods or the park? do you read? if so maybe you can get lost in a good book for awhile..............anything to take some pressure off a yourself, at least for a while................try to look up towards the light an know that beads will not let go of the life rope..............we are here for you
bead cares
pm us iffen you need to and hang in there............it will get easier as you learn and continue to try.REAlly it will
sending you warm, peaceful thoughts.hugs,

mary of beads

[Sannah]

TPND, I never realized you were 17. You are exactly right about being sent back to that 10 year old today. All of us had/have to grow up emotionally here. You can do it. It just takes time figuring out what needs to be worked on and how to work on it. I'm sure that you being sent back to the 10 year old is what is getting in your way of enforcing your boundaries. If you could just stop that triggering response. I stopped all my triggered responses by working on each one while it was happening. I would make myself stop and focus on what exactly was going on at that moment and tell myself that I was being triggered into the past and that I could learn how to stop it. It is basically making the unconscious conscious. This takes out the automatic responses and gives you the control back.

It is more difficult that these people are all around you. You are trying to give them the messages that are good for you but it seems like they are trying to pull you back into it. You are doing a good job with Rich. Don't think that you are not. You are enforcing that boundary. I guess you just want him to stop but you don't have control over that.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Did you think I was older than 17? :/

I will reply properly at a later date, because I'm not in the right state of mind atm... I'm a bit... Well.. Anxious and tired.. I've worked myself too hard his weekend and I can't breathe properly because my ribs are taking the strain... If anyone wants to get hold of me... I will PM you two with my msn address if that gives you any comfort so you can make sure I' okay... I don't know... Sorry, I'm a mess atm...

I will reply properly later

*hugs*

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Did you think I was older than 17? :/

I will reply properly at a later date, because I'm not in the right state of mind atm... I'm a bit... Well.. Anxious and tired.. I've worked myself too hard his weekend and I can't breathe properly because my ribs are taking the strain... If anyone wants to get hold of me... I will PM you two with my msn address if that gives you any comfort so you can make sure I' okay... I don't know... Sorry, I'm a mess atm...

I will reply properly later

*hugs*

HI Pain,
I just stumbled across yout thread,
I didn't realize you were only 17.

Dean, the man who raped you buy drugging your drink sounds like he may have been 18 at the time?

No wonder your having such a difficult time . Was there evidence? were you able t report it right away ?

Was it tried in a court of law? This is awful .

I was in a situation where I was taken advantage of after I had too many drinks. I got sick in the bar shortly after a man had started talking to me . Even though I was with a friend she let me be slung over the shouder of this man who drove me to his palce where I got sick once again . I ended up in bed with him on top of me and woke up itting in his dinning room with him drinking out of a 2 liter pepsi bottle smiling at me . All I could do was just be polite and hope he took me home.

This happened when I was 25 , very entrenched in my ED and no therapy. I could not discuss things like you are right now. I didn;t date much at all just went out when asked only a few times and never went to bars .

I operated in an abused child mode most of my life . There was a part of me that wanted the attention. but thats all.
Was it rape?

Well I didn't report it. I didn't talk much about it . So its always been a grey area for me .

Yours sounds very definative and quite traumatic to me .

Unfortunately in cases where your drugged either by your own hand or someone elses its difficult to report it as soon as it needs to be and i think the date rape drugs are untracable in your system. .

The guilt , of others knowing . was all I was aware of .when I was dropped off.

I had only 2 drinks at work and one at the bar . I have no idea if I may have been drugged . I never crossed my mind.

Not sure if the ED had some effect on the drinking and was what made me ill and pass out on so little alcohol.
Not sure how your ED effects your drinking or vice versa .

and not sure about the drinking age where you are . Here you would still be a minor and someone could be held responsible for contributing to getting you alchohol.

regardelss of your age if you drank or if you drank and the eating disorder made you more defensless , rape is rape .

Please get help with both. the ED and the drinking. they seem to be a deadly combination. And please be kind with yourself . And you self injure as well

Your not alone in this stuff .Im so sorry you have not been getting the help you need .

Please keep your appointment . O the 22nd. You need some help Try not to let fear keep you from it . Thats what happened to me when I had to see a therapist at your exact age. I didn't know deep down I was so scared .

When I said I was alright and didn't want to See the older male therapist , My father agreed and was very happy about that.

Thats another sign something is amiss when your own daughter tried to take her life, and both the mother and father are gald she doesn't go for the help and then kicks her out as soon as she turns 18.
.

And it sound like you have tried the same thing. I really think you need help Pain .

Please stay here with us. Okay? And they are so much more knowledgable with ED treatment .

Do your adoptive parents kick you out of the house. ?

Your gonna be okay .

Patricia

[ThePainNeverDies]

Dean wasn't actually 18. He was only 17 I believe, not entirely sure though. I just remember him saying to me to say nothing about the fact that he's underage and such. The people serving him didn't know that and they didn't even check for ID. They ID'd me and just said "don't worry about it, love. We're only asking to keep to the law. It's not a major issue to us." So... Idk. Not much was done about that tbh.

Yes, my Adoptive Parents kicked me out of the house not long after I turned 16... All because I caught them stealing my personal Journal. Heh. Not a good idea to confront them about it, but that was important to me and I felt I had to ask them if they'd stolen it because I felt that was the onyl thing I could do. I wasn't even harsh in teh way that I asked them. me being the timid kid I was just said "Have you been taking stuff from my room...?" and that was when it happened. So yeah. I got kicked out just after I turned 16. Fun times. The police did nothing about Shana trying to strangle me or anything like that which got to me then and still does now, but what can I do? Seems like there's nothign that anyone can do about any of my past abuse now. It seems too late.

I reported the raoe the next day. Although Security and Connor wanted me to report it on the night it happened, but I was pretty "gone" because of the drug and such. I was in a pretty bad state what with crying and such. It wasn't tried in a court, even though he did it to someone else not long after and yes, there was evidence... But the fact that I remembered what his room looked like, went against me... How??!! I KNEW what his room looked like because I'd been in there so many times before, as a "friend" and just to go see him and help him cook etc etc. Funnily enough, it was the staff at the Foyer I live in that told me he was a great guy and that he needed some help with cooking and wouldn't bite. LOL. I think otherwise now! fft. I'll never trust professionals again, tbh. That's all that I can say on the matter now.

I find it incredibly hard to go out alone, especially when it's dark. I have to go out with other people most of the time or I'm left feeling horribly anxious. Ick. Don't want to be like that for the rest of my life. I got told off the other day for being with people in town shopping, when I was "supposed to be ill" well HELLO!!! I do kinda need to go shooping, you know! Damned people. And this was by a so called friend. Pfft. Not anymore. It just annoys me that people seem to be keeping tabs on me, asking their friends to keep an ee out for me tell them when they see me out. GRRRR!! Hate, hate, hate that!

Anyways. Yeah. I've had my time of s**t and somehow put up with it and dealt with it in ways that others view as stupid, but all I can say about that is... "If only those people knew!!"

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

Dean wasn't actually 18. He was only 17 I believe, not entirely sure though. I just remember him saying to me to say nothing about the fact that he's underage and such. The people serving him didn't know that and they didn't even check for ID. They ID'd me and just said "don't worry about it, love. We're only asking to keep to the law. It's not a major issue to us." So... Idk. Not much was done about that tbh.

Yes, my Adoptive Parents kicked me out of the house not long after I turned 16... All because I caught them stealing my personal Journal. Heh. Not a good idea to confront them about it, but that was important to me and I felt I had to ask them if they'd stolen it because I felt that was the onyl thing I could do. I wasn't even harsh in teh way that I asked them. me being the timid kid I was just said "Have you been taking stuff from my room...?" and that was when it happened. So yeah. I got kicked out just after I turned 16. Fun times. The police did nothing about Shana trying to strangle me or anything like that which got to me then and still does now, but what can I do? Seems like there's nothign that anyone can do about any of my past abuse now. It seems too late.

I reported the raoe the next day. Although Security and Connor wanted me to report it on the night it happened, but I was pretty "gone" because of the drug and such. I was in a pretty bad state what with crying and such. It wasn't tried in a court, even though he did it to someone else not long after and yes, there was evidence... But the fact that I remembered what his room looked like, went against me... How??!! I KNEW what his room looked like because I'd been in there so many times before, as a "friend" and just to go see him and help him cook etc etc. Funnily enough, it was the staff at the Foyer I live in that told me he was a great guy and that he needed some help with cooking and wouldn't bite. LOL. I think otherwise now! fft. I'll never trust professionals again, tbh. That's all that I can say on the matter now.

I find it incredibly hard to go out alone, especially when it's dark. I have to go out with other people most of the time or I'm left feeling horribly anxious. Ick. Don't want to be like that for the rest of my life. I got told off the other day for being with people in town shopping, when I was "supposed to be ill" well HELLO!!! I do kinda need to go shooping, you know! Damned people. And this was by a so called friend. Pfft. Not anymore. It just annoys me that people seem to be keeping tabs on me, asking their friends to keep an ee out for me tell them when they see me out. GRRRR!! Hate, hate, hate that!

Anyways. Yeah. I've had my time of s**t and somehow put up with it and dealt with it in ways that others view as stupid, but all I can say about that is... "If only those people knew!!"

Hi Pain,

what happened o the night of my attempt was I was called namess and physically hit by my father for me bringing home a new puppy.
That was just the final straw to a life time of that kind of stuff. even after My attempt when I was at home and no one talked to me, My father dragged me off my bed one night pulled me down the hall way and kicked me over and over on my tail bone out of the house and locked the door. All I had done was walk home after waiting an hour to be picked up.
walked in the hose and just laid on my bed.

befor my eating disorder started I was the best child did nothing wrong . got good grades was a cheer leader chior you name it .

none of the abuse was ever reported . I just was not aware about those things then I was too far gone with an ED that had no name.

They shoud have been reported to child protection services . But then I would have lost my home.

Whats happened to you shoud be reported . But then I don't kow what will happen to you .

I may be in over my head here.

Im worried about you , your future , what happens if you and Conner don't make it? where will you go . what will you do ? where will you live , how will you support yourself .

These are things that parents are supposed to be helping you with durring these times.

And these rapes , this strangulaion by your mother needs to be adressed.

Please tell all of these things to your therapist . Its your life Pain .

get the help you need before you turn 18.

Patricia

[Sannah]

I did think that you were older than 17. You are in college. I thought that you were 20.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I quit college in the end, so I'm not there anymore. I took all the people on here's advice and dropped out while I still could sort out my own head and then go back when I felt able.

I told the police about her trying to strangle me, I told them as much as I possibly could. She lied and told them I'd punched her. All I did was gently push her off me, so I could escape... But she had too much of a tight grip on me and I didn't go anywhere.. What could anyone do about it now? It's only... About 8 weeks til my 18th. I don't know how long it'll take for me to open up to the counsellor I'll be seeing. It takes me ages to trust people... I don't know..

I'm sared to open up because I'm scared they'll think I'm a major danger to myself, which yes, I probably am, and admit me... I couldn't be admitted... It'd ruin me... I'd be competitive with the eating and such, I'd starve as much as I could, I'd pull out the IV tube thingy that'd be feeding me and such, I'd try running away. Anything to get away from teh place that I fear most. Hospital.

I want to do something about all the, I want to so much, but it just feels pointless when I have no evidence apart from my bf and his family's words. That's it... They saw first hand what my Adoptive family was like and yes, that may help, but it's not much is it?

I wish I could do something, anything to escape this... Tonight, I just want to die. Cut. Starve. Anything to stop the numbness.

I live alone anyway, I can support myself with money and a job etc, I don't need anone for that really, apart from the employers... I've lived on my own for about a year and a half now...

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

beads still here.............
hope you have a decent day today
tc,

mary