Am i the only one?

am i the only one that struggles with substances?

i feel isolated, left out, such that i dont fit in and that maybe others with similar symptoms dont relate to me or wants anything to do with me because of this

i have tried going sober many times, things didnt get better...
just complicated...

self medicating makes things more bearable, relieves pressure...
but brings on other challenges as well...

currently things are really difficult for me because i've been going through a crisis... i've lost all sense of identity... im trying to find myself... trying to fill a void and stuff stuff inside so i dont feel so empty... so that i dont get sucked into a bottomless pit of despair dragged to the hospital...

im having a real difficult time because i dont want to go back to therapy and talk about this stuff because im afraid of making it worse AGAIN... because all the time i spent in therapy stirred stuff up and made me like this and i just want to try to stabilize and make things normalize... so i dont have anyone to talk to and feel really alone and dont have any real friends that i relate to or trust or that know what im going through or anything like that

and i feel like people here dont really want to hear me because of my substance challenges, but its not really my fault you know because i grew up around drugs and alcohol so i was introduced to it when i was really little...

although im not using very frequently due to money challenges...

im just trying to figure myself out and not getting very far... i feel so strange when i try to think about myself because i dont know who i am, i dont know whats inside of me, i just feel a gaping hole, a vast emptiness consuming me sucking up everything that i encounter trying to become something, just something... but its not me, when all i want is to be me, but i dont even know who is me and it makes me so upset... because its the only thing in the world that i want... i just want my life, a life, to live life

im at the point where i dont know what to do anymore, so i've been doing nothing

just letting go...

I struggled with drugs when younger. I still smoke cigarettes. Do you know it gets easier the longer you've been off them. Good luck.

i just dont know where i belong right now...

like, i try looking inside and i dont know what i see

im supposed to be a musician, play music... make music...
but i dont identify with it ... i dont feel like a musician, i dont feel like i make music...
i feel fake, its not me... i dont do that, i can't do it even right now... i dont even know how i do it, or how i did it... i dont understand it, the music, i dont understand alot of things... music is sposed to be a big part of who i am, so im trying to hold onto that as whats up.. but its not helping...

im supposed to be an avid video gamer, but i cant play video games.. i cant do the stuff i used to do... cant read and stuff... i dont identify with it...

i just feel lost

i end up just using more drugs trying to cover up the pain and emptiness... trying to hold onto the one thing that i still identify with... drugs and alcohol...

but i dont recognize who i am or whats going on around me because the way things are are so different...

my behaviors are different, my attitudes are different, everything is different and im just really not sure how to feel or what to think about whats going on

its not bad... im friendly and not having a bad time... its just not who i was... and i dont understand it...

i feel really spaced out through all this...

I get it. I'm a writer who doesn't write. I'm an artist who doesn't create. I'm an outdoorsy person who never goes outside. When people ask me what I'm into, I can rattle off a list of things I imagine about myself, but they are just shells of things. I always feel like a fake.

I've been sober two and a half years. I got into a real bad spot with alcohol, and I ended up in rehab. My identity issues were a lot worse when I was drinking. I literally could not do the things I said I did, I was always too hammered. These days I'm able to make a lot more progress with things I set my mind to, though I still never feel good enough at anything for it to be real. I still don't really know what I'm about.

Substances feel like the only way to deal with the pain sometimes, but there are other ways. Giving up alcohol was incredibly hard, and it took me a long time to really see the benefit. I can now say that sobriety has improved my sense of self because I can actually do things now. If I want to say I love cooking, I can actually cook without drunkenly chopping off a finger.

I am in no way judging you. I still struggle at times to stay sober. My sobriety doesn't make me any better than anyone else. Do you have any options to get some treatment for the substance abuse?

i dont know..

at the clinic they are trying to get me to be sober, but my insurance doesnt really cover alot...

they have done a lot for me and are working with me, talking to me about stuff and stuff...

but i guess maybe im just wasting everyones time.... like, i did go to rehab this year.. and since going to rehab i haven't been drinking as much, i detoxed from alcohol while there but when i got out i just kinda got worse ... my symptoms hit me hard, i got worse, and just started to want to get high more... not with just weed

i dunno why my symptoms got worse though.. im thinking its because i was forced out of my shell because i would stay at home and hide a lot and not socialize but then i had to go to the city and be around people, but not just people, other drug addicts and alcoholics too... and i really dont like the city... and didnt really like socializing or being around people at that time... so i guess i had to create a new character or something...

i ended up getting high in rehab even...

so i really am just wasting everyones time... im starting to think that this is just the way that my life is going to be for ever... i mean its all i've ever known anyway, but i just feel more lonely every day because i dont see any girl ever wanting to be with a guy like me no matter how kind, sweet, caring or whatever i am because of my habbits

i just feel like if i could find myself, i would stop chasing the dragon...
i lost myself a long time ago... through all the childhood neglect, abuse, drama, pain, misery, everything

now i feel really really lost, confused, and empty... i don't know what to do besides to continue doing what i know will hold me together so that i dont fall apart or hit another severe crisis... i cant afford it... i dont want to feel the pain any more, i dont want to suffer any more, i dont want to...

im not happy right now, but im not sad... im not depressed... im not angry.. im just empty... and empty isn't too bad right now... its ok, i guess... its so much better than the misery of wanting to die, feeling the intense pain inside screaming out that one just doesnt belong on this planet, doesnt need to be alive, and stuff..

i guess i just need more time... maybe things will come together...

this raises questions with me..... in your post you stated....

"i ended up getting high in rehab even..."

some reality testing here.. mental health units and rehab makes a person go through detectors and a search process, even visitors now have to go through a process where there are items like drugs, alcohol, sharp objects like razors, knives and such are not allowed through the check points/ guards/ nursing stations and so on. there are cameras everywhere too even in the bedrooms so that the nursing station can know when someone who is detoxing is having problems or shooting up or snorting, vaping, ingesting. theres also blood tests and such....so Im wondering how it was possible for you to get cocaine, weed and meth while in rehab. my suggestion is if you were able to get your drugs while in rehab you might want to tell your treatment provider and the rehab. thats a serious security breach and can actually cause someone else who may still be on the unit or going into the unit problems that can result in their deaths, then the rehab would lose their licencing and the treatment providers in legal problems. Im sure they would probably thank you if you let them know how you got your stuff and that their security process is not working before something legal happens to them and those they are caring for..... I also wonder how the state didnt discover this breach in security. here in my city the state hires someone to play the part of an addict trying to get their fix while in treatment to see if the security process works. Wonder if your location has the same process and how this breach was not detected before now. like I said this raises lots of questions for me.

that said I agree give it some time. and my opinion is stay off the drugs and alcohol. it takes time to get through that withdrawal and cravings part. you said you went a year before, maybe set your self a goal of one year and one day and see what happens. just one more day past what you already know you can accomplish.

another of us snuck off the unit downstairs because the place is shared with another treatment facility and got something from a guy downstairs

they would leave the door open during the day most of the time ... they had a cell phone hidden and contacted him, didnt take 5 seconds...

i went in the bathroom one time to do adderall and then in my bedroom to do heroin and was crushing up my wellbutrin they were giving me by putting them under my tongue and going to my room with it

i was drug tested like 5 times while there but they never talked to me about it so i dont know if i failed or not, they talked to the others though so i just figured i passed...

i only got high like 3 times though within 30 days or whatever...

its the only thing that i know you know?
i dont know anything else, i dont know who i am, i dont know what to expect... if i stop, im going to fall apart again... i dont want to go through another crisis... i dont want to feel the pain... i dont want to experience those emotions... feelings...

im not happy right now but im not feeling like i was, i dont want to go back to feeling that way, i just cant you know? it will kill me.... i cant....

im scared to go back to that way, i dont know whats wrong with me but i just want to stay like this because its not painful... like... i dont know if that makes any sense...
the pain that i go through is unbearable and i dont want to end up killing myself...

im afraid if i do ANYTHING that i'll trigger a crisis, i feel so fragile and like im on the edge of a cliff... im just trying not to fall off the best i can, the only way i know how

stay calm... trying to stay calm and do what i do you know? avoidance i guess... i've told them that im not going back to therapy right now, im pretty much slowing my treatment down at the moment because its too much for me or became too much for me to deal with... and i just need me time, time to figure out whats going on...

time to stabilize this mess in my head and try to center myself and come to my senses or actually figure out who i am in all this mess...

everyone wants me to get sober but i cant right now you know?
its all i got at the moment... i cant explain it... i just dont want to go back to the pain

i've been sober for 1 day and already my mind is trying to crash, its so scary, i just try to block everything out... but the rumination continues...

yea sounds like this place you were in really needs to update their process before someone ends up with major legal problems.

I'm so sorry to hear how you're struggling. You have a lot going on in your head, but that doesn't have to hold you back from recovery. It's hard to get clean and sober when your mind poses so many distractions. You have to be ready to make so many changes that don't feel safe. I totally get why it's hard.

I was finally ready when it became totally clear that my options were to quit or die a really long and slow death, but realizing that took a long time.

You seem kind of directionless right now. What would you like your life to be like if you could get clean, sober, and and stable?

i am directionless...

i dont know what i would like my life to be like...

i dont know what i want to be doing... i dont know what i like to be doing...

i cant see into the future or have any visions of the future... i feel like i dont have a future... i dont have a life... i dont know whats inside of me or what makes me a person... im not a person... im just a pathetic waste...

all i want is to be happy...

im not feeling very well... getting depressed again...

i just feel so empty... alone... im so lonely... i dont want to fall back into the pain, but it happens everytime... i know its coming... i cant avoid it like everything else...

really getting tired of this life... the meaninglessness... the pointlessness... the suffering... never being happy... always fronting... faking... just a big fraud...

It’s so hard to feel this way. You just have to go on blind faith that you are valuable and life is going to get better. Easier said than done, I know. Have you tried DBT to help you cope with the pain? I’m starting DBT soon as I’ve heard it’s good. I hope it works. Treatment doesn’t work if you’re not ready. I get it, no judgment.

Rehab worked for me because I couldn’t take the pain of alcoholism anymore. I couldn’t stand my life. I knew my drinking was ruining my family. I saw my future as either drink myself to death like others in my family, or get sober and go from there. I had no idea what recovery would be like, and it felt like I was jumping off a cliff. It has been really hard and confusing at times, but I’ve always hung onto it because I know my other option is horrible for everyone. Being in recovery has got to be better than being drunk for the rest of my life while my body slowly shuts down.

Sometimes you just have to reach into the unknown and grab onto the first thing you find – rehab, therapy, AA, whatever. Just go with it, and go hard. But you have to be ready, whatever that means for you.

I know what you mean about delaying treatment, feeling like you have to get things straightened out, just right, before you will be strong enough. In the weeks before I finally agreed to go to rehab, I knew I needed treatment, but I felt like I had to get everything under control first. That meant cleaning the house, and I cleaned obsessively, trying to get it perfect. I finally broke when I was cracking open a smoke detector to see if there was any dust inside. It would never be clean enough. I had to give in.

Giving up my will and submitting myself to treatment was absolutely the most humbling experience of my life. I was broken and afraid I’d never be fixed. But I did what they told me, and slowly it got better. Today I still have pain and problems, but I also know I have other options when I feel like drinking or dying. I'll be starting DBT soon, which has been offered to me for years, because I've been suffering, and I'm finally ready.

Can you identify what didn’t feel right for you when you tried rehab? What was it about it that you needed to resist at the time?

well... you see, im not really having a problem with drinking now...

i dont need it... or want it... i can have one or a sip and stop...

i think some how it was substituted for a variety of drugs...

now instead of alcohol its different drugs that come at me...

know what i mean? before the drugs didnt bother me so bad, i could use them occasionally, very seldomly or whatever, and be fine, but it switched...

It doesn't matter what the substance is, if it's causing you to suffer and not get better, you deserve to get clean. You are worth all the work it takes to get there. You won't be able to work out your psych problems with those kinda drugs in your brain. I'm not trying to preach recovery, I'm just saying I get it now why people say that. You can't help yourself when you can't think right.

How is your social system? Do you have a lot of drugs going on around you, like with your friends and stuff?

I had a void in myself from childhood abuse. I tried all kinds of things to fill that void. It didn't work. I ended up learning to treat that void in therapy. It really doesn't matter where the void came from, just being able to comfort the parts of myself that needed to be healed. My T used a pillow, but anything soft and small would work. I have teddy bears at home that I hold if I feel vulnerable. That and self-talk that I'm loved and valued for who I am.

i dont really have any friends
but the people im around, maybe...

i'm really hard on myself, i try to be nice and stuff but i dont feel like i have control over it... i have conversations with myself all day, arguments, that are not just 1 sided... i feel very broken, split, divided... its very confusing because i cant understand how one person can be like this, how one person can experience such a division in experience...

its like im coexisting with many of me and the only thing i have found to do is to try to block it all out so that it doesnt take me over or cause any pain but in the process i've broken myself even, becoming lost along the way... getting high relieves tension, pain, makes me feel normal, makes things inside feel quiet, makes me happy, smile, i joke and play, like being a kid i dont want those feelings to go away, if i stop having those feelings... then i might as well stop living... because the only time i ever feel anything good or like that is when im doing stuff like that... its like playing in the back yard when you are little...

when im sober i have a hard time because its like these thoughts come from inside, that im worthless, unhappy, failing, cant do anything right, and the longer i am sober the more taxing it becomes... i start to feel it physically... i start to talk to myself... but not really to myself because its a 2 people or whatever conversation...

i just get really bad... alot of pain... suffering... i dont want to go through it anymore, you know..?

I hope you're doing okay today. I understand, it's so hard to function and make progress when your mind is cranking out such negative, abusive thoughts. When I'm depressed, I have intrusive thoughts that are a booming voice telling me I'm a waste. It's just thoughts, but it's so loud and out of my control that people have actually seen me flinch when I hear it, and they don't know what's going on. It's really hard to push back against these forces that seem so powerful.

I deal with these kinds of things by personifying them and creating an objective separation. Then with practice I can choose not to listen to it. I got out of alcoholism and anorexia that way. That booming voice is tough though. When I'm depressed, it definitely is a challenge.

You are worth every effort it takes to get better. Can you come up with a plan as to what resources you'll contact and what treatment you need?

im doing pretty ok... considering...

im struggling with being sober.. its just difficult because when i am sober i dont feel right... its been a few days now and the feelings are just starting to swell up inside...

i have a really difficult time identifying the feelings and describing them though... i guess growing up i just learned to detach myself from my feelings so much...

i just feel blank, void... i want to say that maybe i am still depressed, but my depressions go so low that its not too bad right now...

i've just been sleeping a lot..

im not really craving drugs, although i feel like if i had something to use it would make me feel better and make these feelings go away... but i think this happens before i crash, like everything stops making any difference and i stop caring about it all and then i just crash and start hating the planet and everything...

but im trying not to go back there again, i dont want to experience that pain again

i dont really know about a plan at this point... because i was so dedicated to my treatment for the past couple years and its gotten me no where... i mean my anxiety is better which is great, but it still comes and goes, but the depression is horrid...

i usually just call my case manager when i need... but she doesnt really do much besides tell me a few things or say she'll talk to the doctor about medication or call the hospital for me or something...

im just so tired of it all :/

Yeah, it sucks when it doesn't seem like the professionals can do anything to help. I'm fortunate that most of the medications they gave me actually worked. I get frustrated because most of the treatment available is in group format, and I can't handle being among groups of people and having to discuss my personal mental health situation. I told my therapist they can't make me waive my right to confidentiality in order to receive treatment. I kind of went off on him. I'm a paralegal and can throw down some law if I must. So he's arranging for my insurance to cover DBT treatment with an individual therapist because I am "not suitable for the group format," which probably sounds like I'll tear everyone apart with my teeth.

I remember feeling really disappointed and confused when I needed substance abuse treatment and found out how limited my options were. Treatment meant rehab, meetings, therapy, and medications. I don't know what I expected because in hindsight it was pretty comprehensive, but I just didn't like my options. I didn't like the process. I didn't feel like they were listening to me, and I didn't believe any of it would help. But I was desperate, so I did it, and I'm still sober.

I've had to recommit to that willingness over and over. I repeatedly get to a place where I resist the treatment that's offered to me. I have to work to override that impulse. Obviously I'm still stubborn, hence the "not suitable for the group format" thing, but if I can grit my teeth and tolerate the treatment I'm given, it usually does help.

What options are they giving you as far as treating the depression?

feeling depressed now.. i hate this part...
suicidal feelings trying to come up it seems

i know i have a problem with substances... im being stupid...
i dont want to stop because when im not sober its easier to forget how fragile my little world is...

when im sober... everything is intensified... fall apart at the drop of a hat... but the way my mind works it will try to hold me together until i implode... because im a fraud and just put on so many fronts to the world, bottling everything up...

i cant do this... being sober i start to feel so awful... everything triggers me... i feel physically sick, not because of drugs because im not dependent or addicted like that...

but i dont know what to do, this makes me feel suicidal... i dont belong here...

they are doing medication management for me... and they are pressing me to do therapy but i've just told them that i dont want to do therapy anymore right now because its too much for me right now atleast...

when i was going to therapy it wasnt helping anyway... she even said herself we werent making any progress...

they also want me to do a day program thing but i just dont think i can manage that either, being around other people sober is not a strong point of mine... i get depressed really fast... and anxious...

i just dont think there is any hope... trying to make peace with the way things are... with the depression... and the pain... i just dont want to hurt anymore...

sorry... i dont know where my mind is right now... i hate this...
i dont see any way out... dont wanna die... so i just get high...
keeps the suicide feelings away... its been like .. i dont count days... but like 3 or 4 days probably...

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself? Just to fill your time right now? Watch something on youtube? Call somebody? (but not someone who will offer you drugs). Take a shower? I mean, like even clean something, like whatever will distract you and calm you down. Do you have any pets? Sometimes I calm down if I just chill with my cat.

i usually listen to music...

or play music, but just like with everything else i feel like nothing really matters and everything i do doesnt really make much difference... i force myself to smile and try to be around people to hide from these feelings and it was working but it seems to be reaching a point where it just wants to break through, again..

i guess because one cant ignore this stuff and stuff it inside for so long before it tries to resurface... i just thought that i was making progress, not stuffing it inside, because i was feeling better i thought... but who am i to say, i dont know what i feel or even understand feelings...

i should be used to this all by now... but i just wish that i didnt have to go through it...

maybe it has something to do with something my ex-T said one time... expanding into the environment and then contracting... since i've been socializing more and trying to get out...

i dont have any pets, and honestly dont feel like cleaning but i dunno.. if i get bored enough i might try... though its only temporary and i know that these feelings just keep coming back...

im just trying to survive... thats all i can do... just hope that maybe this will pass soon and not escalate.. just trying not to think about the pointlessness... trying to stay distracted...

It sounds like you are aware that the pain will improve. It's just a matter of time. But if you feel yourself slipping right now, can your case manager get you some meds or treatment to keep it from escalating? Best to catch an episode early.

i have an appointment on the 26th with my doctor, but i dont really know what to tell her

like... i guess just that i feel fake... feel really empty and depressed inside but fronting on the outside which is confusing my feelings... but i know the inside is what must be real because it is there when i am alone and when i am around people, the fronts just come out when i am around people.. sometimes i just wish i could scream at people that i am in pain and want to be left alone, but instead i continue fronting, masking everything the best i can and its really starting to get old.. i dont like being like this, i dont know who i am or what i am like because im always someone else or something else

but when i go in to see the doctor the fronts are on too and i cant turn it off, so i end up not being able to speak and not being able to say what i really need to say because of it... and then when i leave i start realizing how things should have gone different and things that i should of said and done...

i feel like my mind wants me to be miserable... imprisoned in this mind... self sabotage?
its something out of my control though...

i just feel ****ed for lack of better words...

numb... i hope that she can do something to help with the medications... i just dont know if i can keep on doing this, i dont want to keep going through feeling better and then falling apart... putting pieces back together and then breaking all over again...

it gets worse every time and last time it was really bad and i dont want to experience it any more!

what medication can help something like this..? i've tried so many, i was thinking about just getting back on the abilify because ive tried so many...

i just wish i had something to hold onto, a positive in my life... i feel like there is nothing there, no positives... no hope... i mean im a good guy, but its meaningless...

i guess i'll find out next week what she decides to do and if i am capable of telling her whats going on or not... i just hope i dont shut down or front like everything is fine...

I struggle with drug use a lot.

I freeze up with doctors and therapists too. I often write them a letter ahead of time and just hand it over. I at least make some notes in my journal about what I want to say. My journal goes everywhere with me. You've articulated your experiences well here. Perhaps you can take some of this and create a letter.