More on therapeutic induced attachment

The thread on not wanting to be attached your therapist has me thinking about my therapeutic relationship and how its changed over the past year. My T and I rarely talk about OUR interactions. We mostly discuss the past and my relationships with my kids, H, and friends. I've made a lot of positive changes in 2 of the 3.

Last week after not being able to thank my T face-to-face for the support she has been providing me, I felt a strong need to not let another 2 weeks go without express my thanks. In this exchange, I mentioned that I felt weird sensation in my chest/belly region when I thought about something she had written to me. I also apologized and that I had a push-pull tug-of-war thing going on. I stated that I wanted and even kind of liked sharing my artwork with her. But at the same time also felt like WTF am I doing and felt like I was going to get burnt bad for doing what I am doing. T's reply said not to apologize. Said that I need to verbalize these things to her, to remember that she is safe, and that its all part of the process. Other statements made in this message just made me feel at lot better about the session and where I am at the moment.

Now I'm wondering... All part of what process? Dealing with the past, learning to cope better with life today, dealing with my touch anxiety??? IDK, sometimes I wonder, do I really "get" what's really playing out in therapy. Am I in the grips of some transference thing and just don't see it? Is the chest/belly sensation, mixed feelings, etc my body's way of telling me what my mind refuses to acknowledge -- deep down I might care. This thought is scary even though I don't think it is really abnormal.

I remember how it was with my first T. I thought she was just going to be like an advice columnist. I had no idea I was going to develop a relationship with her. But then it happened. I shared one of my secrets, she responded positively, and I felt something scary. I didn't know what. I had trouble getting out of the chair and she said something like. "It's hard to disconnect after feeling so connected, isn't it."

We discussed real issues in my sessions, but underlying were the feelings for her. Unless someone is in straight CBT or some other short-term type of therapy, most of us are going to have strong feelings for our Ts. I think it's like falling in love. It's inherent in the therapy situation itself. I don't totally understand it, but it's tangible. It happens to most of us. Call it transference or call it connection, but whatever it is, it's very powerful. I wonder sometimes if our Ts know how powerful it is. My T knows, but she still thinks I'm too attached to her. So I don't think she really, really understands how powerful those feelings can be. Not for everyone. I do know some people who had good feelings for their Ts, but not to the extent I'm talking about.

I've felt ashamed of the strong attachment I've felt for my Ts, but then I realize it was inevitable. It just kind of bothers me that the therapeutic relationship is so powerful, and it's unbalanced.

You said it's scary to care. I agree. The feelings we have for our T are scary and powerful. My T said you cannot duplicate the therapeutic relationship in the "real world". It must be why it works. It's normal to feel the way you do. I think the most important thing is to discuss it with your T. Otherwise, the feelings get in the way, instead of helping your therapy.

Sorry I didn't mean to write so much, but this subject is of great interest to me. I hope some of it is helpful.

I can really identify with this. Early on, I went in to T and told her about a very upsetting conflict I had with someone

and when I finally ran down I said, of course I am just givnig you my side of it - and to my utter amazement, she said, that's all I need to hear - I said, but what if I am entirely biased in my telling of it? she said, doesn't matter. that's how little i knew about what goes on.
I am still resistant to "attachment". Push pull, atsa me.
Growing up I had my biggest problems with my mother, and T, a woman, has left discussing Mom till last; sometimes I spend time worrying that the only "transference" I could have for her woudl be very negative, and would end therapy. guess I ought to ask her about that........

This topic is very interesting to me, I really appreciate everyone being so open about their feelings and experiences.

When I was in therapy for depression, I didn't feel any attachment with that therapist. It was very short-term, though, only 9 sessions.

I don't have any attachment yet to this therapist (and I've only been seeing her less than 2 months), but I wouldn't be at all surprised if I one day develop those feelings. Growing up, I didn't get some of my needs met by my mother, so there were times when I sought out other mother figures - most were healthy relationships, but one was not, when I was 12 and considered suicide. I became rather obsessed with this woman, a teacher of mine, after she showed me warmth and compassion. I fear that it's in me to become too attached to my T and to see her as another idealized mother figure, but I don't yet feel like it's an issue, so I don't want to bring it up and talk with her about it. I've already discussed with her my relationships with these other surrogate mothers, though I haven't gone into as much detail as I could have. And now, I'm at the point where I want to share my first big 'secret', and it's scary!!! Maybe there is some attachment going on to T, because I don't want to disappoint her. Why does therapy have to be so complex?

I think that you are on to something here......... I got better by living in the moment. Wherever or whoever I was with I focused on how I was responding in that moment. There is a lot of info there...............

thanks Sannah! for sharing your experience and not asking questions. I like you

I have spent a lot of time with T talking about our interactions and our relationship. It felt really strange at first to let those little random thoughts come out, but with each thought that I can express to T about our relationship in the room, it seems to impact the rest of the relationships in my life in a positive way.

I don't know if this is the case with everyone, but for my therapy T says it is all about relationships. The relationship I have with him, with myself, as well as with other people in my life.

I believe that emotions are expressed through our bodies. When we get stuck in trying to intellectualize or suppress our emotions, that is where much of the suffering comes from.

My work with T has also included a lot of focusing on how my body feels. Often when I'm feeling stuck, he will ask me how my body is feeling. I take a few moments to check in -- notice where there is tension, or a feeling of energy in my chest, or whatever my body my be feeling at that moment. It can be very powerful stuff, but it does require that you feel safe with T.

IMHO, attachment is about feeling safe. You trust that T will be with you no matter what you express, and that your *relationship* will not be harmed by expressing anything that you might be experiencing. Speaking only for myself, I did not have that level of emotional safety growing up, and so it is by having that safe space now with T that I am able to let all of myself out (or at least try to ).

My T told me that she uses object relations therapy. She told me that she wants to concentrate on building our relationship first and foremost, but we're still doing other work. She's been asking me more about how I interact in relationships with others. I do really like the style of therapy that she is using - it feels comfortable to me, though I'm still learning to be completely open.

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Originally Posted by SpottedOwl It felt really strange at first to let those little random thoughts come out, but with each thought that I can express to T about our relationship in the room, it seems to impact the rest of the relationships in my life in a positive way.

Interesting you say. I think working through my discomfort with the intensity associated to having someone's undivided attention has made dealing with other relationships a lot easier. Although I had a lot of trouble saying thank you to my T last week. I was able to express my gratitude for something else in another relationship (a friend) quite effectively and directly. In fact my openness in that expression made my friend actually cry (good tears) and spontaneously hug me. Both of these reactions last year would have caused me to question my own actions and be really uncomfortable. Last year, I might have thought about "doing something nice" for someone but would have avoided doing it for fear it would have made me feel uncomfortable or that it would be taken the wrong way. Last week I just acted and then rolled with the aftermath.

Maybe therapy for me is also less about what I talk about and more about learning how to talk and tolerate engaging in relationships.

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I believe that emotions are expressed through our bodies. When we get stuck in trying to intellectualize or suppress our emotions, that is where much of the suffering comes from.

I long thought that I had no emotions, that I was incapable of feeling things. Now I am realizing I've always had a lot of feelings and that I am very sensitive to certain things. I just some how didn’t learn what these feeling were and ignored them. I often don't know what names to give them or what they tend to indicate. Lately, I've found myself recording body sensations and then reading what I recorded and realizing, “hey, this sound an awful bit like.... affection, compassion, sadness, caring….” I think this capacity has been inside of me, I just wasn't really aware of it until now.

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IMHO, attachment is about feeling safe.

I found this interesting too because every time I re-read my T’s last email the line that catches my attention is…”I’m safe, remember.” I’m both drawn to it and confused by it. Is she really safe? Can I really tell her anything? How does she know she is safe? Does the fact that my body sometimes just wants to curl up on that couch and purge without worrying about how what might come out, mean that I really am safe there? Why do I want to talk to her in the first place?

I think some of my strongest gains from therapy have come in the relationships area. I am better able to have them now, both with T and others in my life, and I recognize how important they are. I place more value on them and also am more willing to work on them. I am not sure I could have had such a fruitful relationship with my T if I hadn't been attached.

I see my attachment to T as a very positive thing. Sometimes I see people on PC talk about attachment to a therapist like it is bad or to be avoided, but for me, it has been very healing. It has also demonstrated to me that I still can attach. I never thought about it much, but I think inside I worried I was somehow damaged by my 20 year relationship with my H (no attachment there), and could not really attach after this. Too hurt, too bruised, too untrusting, too wary, no way doing that again Jose! But I attached very readily and strongly to my T, showed myself I could do it and do it well! To me, this means there is hope for me in the future to have a healthy relationship with a man. Without attachment to T, I don't think I would have learned any of this, and might still be depressed. I think when a client attaches to a T, the T knows they have a lot of potential to work with, and very positive directions open up.

It's very nice to read about attachment as a positive thing, sunrise! Since my T uses object relations therapy, it almost seems like this kind of therapy encourages attachment, since it's all about examining the relationship between the client and the therapist to better understand other relationships.

At what point did you realize you were attached to your T? I don't feel like I'm attached yet to my T, but I am definitely trusting her a lot more and feeling comfortable with her. I don't think attachment is something that can be forced, but were you aware that you were getting attached as it happened, or only after you looked back and realized it?

I didn't realize that I was attached or just how deeply attached I was until the thought of leaving therapy entered my mind. I think it was a very positive and necessary thing for me or the therapy likely wouldn't have worked as well as it did.

I had a nightmare last night related to an impending interaction in another...potential professional relationship that will likely really push the boundaries of my comfort zone. Well technically, I guess it already has since just setting up the meeting has triggered nightmares.

I think one fear that attachment causes in me is the feeling that I am more likely to cross a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. IDK, for me if I don't care or don't trust someone my personal boundaries and sense of what I should and shouldn't or allow are very clear and it is easy for me to be decisive about what I want and don't want from an interaction. With T and possibily with this other relationship it is uncomfortable and basically intended to challenge my existing boundaries. This scares me because I not only feel vulnerable I AM vulerable. Not sure if that makes sense. Justs makes me want to say disconnected and safe from harm.

I think the attachment is actually a good thing...I just find it so threatening. I am not sure why really... my T keeps saying that she cares about what happens to me, and how I feel. I had thought therapy would deal with the immediate problem of depression and that would be it.

My T seems to think therapy should help me be mentally healthy in general. Exploring why I almost never make eye contact with her. Why I feel SO uncomfortable when we are not talking and she is LOOKING AT ME.....Why I seem to be bent on proving that I don't need anyone or anybody. Why I hate being given a choice ...(it's because I will be punished if I choose wrong...even though I was told to choose what I wanted).

Oh, and the pesky idea that I need to work on the PTSD stuff. I am going to make sure I take all my bipolar meds so I won't go hypomanic again and actually bring that stuff up ever again!!!!!!

I told her at the end of the last session "I so desperately want to be myself". OMG...do you think she is going to try and help me be myself?

Amazon, what you said here is so true about how my therapy is going. I thought I would jsut get some coping stategies but that hasn't been it at all. Did your T mention all those things to you (eye contact...) or are they just things you've noted? I know my T sees all these little things but she rarely mentions them. I think she know I am scared to death when I realize she is able to read the discomfort and tension withi me. I think this is another one of those realizations that creates mixed feelings for me. Part of me really likes that she can read my body language and understand things that I want to communicate but can't. I am comforted by having her see ME. However the other side of me is shouting NO, NO, this is not good, you don't want to get used to this comforting it not real it will not last forever, it will bite you in the butt at some point.

MY T apparently noticed a lot about me that she kept to herself! After a year or so, she told me that I was doing better because I had more eye contact with her. I was embarrassed at first, but then we talked about it and I made having almost continual eye contact one of my goals. I think looking at her increased my attachment to her. It was so scary! I realize I still don't maintain eye contact with others in my life, so I need to work on it.

She also told me when I was agitated. She likes that word, lol. After the fact, she told me she's very much aware of her client's body language, that it's her job. Yeah, kind of scary but nice in a way. It's why I trust her now to know what's best for me when I don't know myself.

I know what you mean about accepting the comforting, and wondering if it will last. If you accept it, it will become part of you and will last. Therapy is a package deal, I found. You gotta risk a lot, hurt a lot, but you also gain a lot.

T doesn't always point out those behaviors, but she will bring them up when they help her make a point.

I get visibly uncomfortable when she asks me to look her in the eye. Watching her look at me when we weren't talking was so weird. I actually said "stop looking at me!" and crossed my arms. She asked what was so threatening...and I said "I don't know what you're thinking!"

"You could ask me"

"Okay, What are you thinking, T?"

She then went on to tell me her impressions of me, my reactions to my diagnosis, how she likes to see me on her schedule because (insert loads of psychological terminology I don't understand, something about my synthetic ego?)...It blew me away. She has seen me at my worst, most embarrassing moments, knows the crap going on in my head...and still LIKES me.

She is crazy, or I am at least somewhat interesting and likable.

Your...what are you looking at comment made me laugh. I have thid thought a lot in other interactions. I like the fact that my T doesn't look right at me, especially when I am struggling and squirming. I think she gets how difficult it is for me that she is even in the same room.:-) I know she is is watching me and how I react but some how she does it without me feeling really looked at. Some people have commented on little things that there Ts do to make a point or let you know they are still with you. My T uses direct eye contact in this way. Kind of like.... Yes I hear you and you're not scaring me a way. Or yes, I heard what you said, but we both know there is more your not telling. Yes, I realize this is difficult but..you need to continue to speak.

Do you not like my questions SAWE?

Makes total sense. I used to have a nice thick wall around me that kept me safe and kept everyone away but it was really lonely inside this. I was able to take down these walls and replace them with flexible boundaries that I could move back and forth easily as needed for intimacy or protection, whichever was needed............

Explore this vulnerability and your skills at protecting yourself as needed?

I think that allowing the attachment to happen (even if you allow it to happen unconsciously) is a leap of faith. The therapeutic relationship seems almost like a microcosm of our relationships outside of the room. Taking such a huge risk with your T would be taking a positive step toward living your life rather than allowing your fears to control you. If you can do it with your T, then you know you are capable of it outside of the therapy setting as well.

I think it is also very advantageous because it may free you to be more open to self-disclosure, which (with t's support) can eventually lead to healing. In my case, I honestly think I needed that strong bond or I wouldn't have been able to talk about painful things in the way that I did. It is also something that I keep in my heart as a memory of my therapist.

No, I was clueless. I had a previous therapist off and on for 6-9 months before this T, and had no attachment to her at all. But I didn't know I was supposed to attach to her, so I didn't think anything was missing. After a while, I quit going to see her because I had reached the limit of her ability to help me. The first session with the new T was very different from the previous T, and I was very intrigued by him, as he said he was healer, not a therapist. It took us a month to have another session and during this time he left me a voice mail saying, "I look forward to helping you heal," and I played that over and over again. I really felt this guy was going to be able to help me and was just what I needed! It was probably at the second session, that I attached to him. I had no idea what was happening. A few months later, I came to PC to find out more as I thought I must be highly aberrant to have this relationship with my T. But I found out that is normal and a signifier of high potential for progress in therapy. So I was reassured and have been here ever since.

I like attachment, connection, feeling close to my T, sharing with him--all that stuff.

Thanks, sunrise! You attached to him at your 2nd session - wow! I'm on Session 8, and while I am trusting my T more, I feel like I'm still holding back emotionally, not sure why. I do want all those things you listed, though - hopefully, they'll come naturally with some more time.

You know what... Today, I think the concept that I might have attachment issues is complete BS. If I say I am not attached to my T or to my friends it is complete BS. I'm attached, I may deny it, have trouble showing it, and often don't even really comprehend what "attached" means. I appreciate people and notice when they are no longer around, and care enough to want to listen or help them out if I can. Therapy has helped me realize I can do more with these interactions if I can risk a negative outcome once in a while.

What do you think...am I cured?...for today :-)

Even though I attached to him quickly, that did not mean I didn't hold back emotionally. I don't think of those things as the same. I think you could be extremely attached to your T and still hold back very much. Maybe you are attached?!

chaotic, that is how it is for me too. Before therapy, I had a much harder time taking those risks. Now I feel like I can take more risks and it is not such a big deal if I am rebuffed or my feeling not accepted by whoever I take the risk with. Like, yeah, big deal, he doesn't get me, or he's on the wrong side of bed today, or hmmm, I just shared with her, and she totally did not respond. And I move on. I survive. I learned it's not the end of the world to make myself vulnerable and be rejected. Of course, I still only do this on small scale and when the stakes are relatively low, but it is big progress for me. No risk, no gain.