Please help me figure this out

The problem is that in my last 3 emails since my most recent session, over 2 weeks ago, I talked about loving my T. I asked her if it was okay to love her, and I sort of said that I did, in my roundabout way. I wrote that I thought it was okay.

I emailed her again before she wrote back, and brought it up again. Then, in her email back to me, she wrote about how she was glad I was having a good time on my vacation with my family, and that she was glad I noticed about not having eye contact with my H or anyone. She said we would work on that.

I then emailed her after about a week telling her what day I would be home so we could set up the session. She emailed back, again not mentioning anything about my questions about love. I started feeling invalidated and ashamed, so I emailed telling her that. This time I point blank asked her why it's not doing therapy via email to talk about my family, but it is to answer my question about love. I said it makes me feel ashamed of my feelings for her and that I think she wishes I wouldn't have any strong feelings for her. I just emailed that today.

It sounds like a lot of emails, but she sent me our agreed upon one per week, and I think I sent 3. So, she owes me one for this week.

I know that I"m getting more than she agreed to, because the "rule" is that she will wish me a good week-end and say something positive. I even brought that up last session and she said she's going to be general and positive in her emails to me. But, I feel vulnerable talking about love, and I don't understand why she can't just say something like "of course it's okay to love me, and we'll talk more about it in the session." In fact, I wrote that exact question in my email to her.

I think my question about it is this. Is she deliberately avoiding anything about my feelings for her in her emails to me? If so, it hurts me to be so vulnerable and not be validated. My T is not like that at all. She has told me over and over that she accepts all of my parts and that I should do the same. I don't think expressing love to her is a problem. That's why I'm confused as to why it's a problem to reassure me with two words: "it's all right" in her email. I don't get it! I just want to know what others think and why she is withholding that reassurance from me.

I think... only she knows her reasoning, and all any of us (including you) can do here is guess as to why she does what she does. Others can guess and give you their thoughts and perspective, but only your T can tell you why she hasn't responded to that aspect of your emails.

It sounds to me like she is following the rule of being positive yet neutral in email. She has a point. She has to be carefuly what she says in email because it can so easily be misinterpreted. It's also not private, FYI. Just wait for session and bring it up then. Try not to read anything into it at this point. My T, when I call him in crisis, always makes an appointment. He won't talk to me much at all on the phone or do any therapy either. It's just not a safe way to do it for either of us.

It sounds like you are trying to get "more" out of her than was agreed upon. Bringing up love and asking whether it's ok to love her is a loaded question and should be discussed in session. That is much different than a quick positive email about more superficial topics. It seems like you are once again pushing the limits and getting disappointed.

Rainbow,
From what you describe, it sounds like you are tesing boundaries and manipulating.
If you don't want to be left hanging without reassurance after telling her something, (which is understandable),
why are you telling her something like that in an email?

I wrote such a long reply and lost it!

I'll summarize...

To me, love is a big, big topic. Probably THE biggest, deepest, most core topic in my therapy. If your T has said she doesn't want to do therapy in e-mail, it makes a lot of sense to me that she would want to wait until session to address it. It doesn't mean that your feelings aren't okay at all...it means she is keeping the boundaries she set.

Saying "noticing your lack of eye contact is a good thing" sounds encouraging and not very deep. Not really "therapy". In my opinion, anyway.

It sounds like you believe it's okay to love her. And I know it is always okay to feel whatever you feel. Always. My T taught me that

Thinking of your, rainbow

Do YOU believe it's OK to love her?! Because if you do, that is what matters, really......maybe you're wanting reassurance that it is from T herself, but what is important is that YOU believe it's OK and that validation comes from within you, not without, from her. Of course it's OK to love!
Your T is wanting to be neutral and positive in email and not 'do therapy' in email, I think, as well as maintain boundaries.....reassurance of love being OK, of it being OK to love her, even those simple words are going beyond the boundaries she set and she needs to be careful of her boundaries and not let them get blurred.....

From reading your responses, I feel like I should apologize to my T. I needed this reality check. I don't know why I act the way I do.

I don't think asking about love is a loaded question at all. I think it's courageous. I ask it myself of T often because it's important to explore the answer. Genuine love isn't something to apologize for.

But Rainbow, she also has the right to choose when and how she responds. She is doing whats best for you. Hoping that she responds to acknowledge your insight is very normal. Accepting that she didn't and celebrating that you feel that way is true growth.

Rainbow it sounds like your T answered you in the way that was agreed upon. What you brought up is a topic for face-to-face discussion. Feeling strong feelings for your T can happen; however, to focus on your T so much might be a problem. She can't be everything you want her to be. There are limits and boundaries that are there for her and for you. She seems very caring and patient

rain i dont think you need to apologise to your T at all your T knows what your issues are and is helping you with them as best she can she said she would rather respond to those questions in person if i remember it doesnt mean she said you cant send her an e-mail with these questions.at least she knows what is going on in your head.your T really cares about you .can you let yourself feel this for even a little.hope your vaca is going well.

hi rainbow,

i'd encourage you to read the above paragraph again, as you answered your own question! you said it yourself, that your therapist accepts you. i don't think she's deliberately doing anything over email, and maybe it would be good for you to step away from email as well. if you do, it might be easier for you to remember/reconnect with what is real in the relationship.


seventyeight

Your family is not in therapy with you. You and your therapist are in therapy together. You need to be face-to-face talking to your therapist about your and her relationship.

When you talk about eye contact with your family members or others, it is "reporting" about the effects of therapy, it is not "doing therapy". Your T has no relationship with the others in your family, just you. A one-to-one relationship has to be conducted one-to-one.

Luce, yes you're right, but a lot of people know my situation too well here, and are just telling me what I already know but don't want to accept.

LadyJ, my T doesn't like to do therapy via email, so you're right.

TayQ, I keep repeating this pattern but each time I get hurt all over. It's like I can't get myself to stop trying. I thought it was different because I don't understand why she can't just validate my feelings. She used to do that in her emails. I don't know why she stopped. I haven't gotten over my hurt from her changing her mind about the way she answers my emails, and I still disagree with her reasoning. It makes me hurt and angry too!

darkrunner, I still don't understand the difference between manipulating a T and getting my needs met. My former T always said I was manipulating her but this one has never said that. She has even told me "you were just trying to get your needs met."

Why don't I wait for my session? Because my feelings are so overwhelming for me that I want her to know them right away. I want to share them with her. I don't feel like I can sit with my feelings. It's especially hard right now because my last session was over 2 weeks ago and I won't see her until next Wednesday because I'm out-of-town.

tree, thank you for writing a long response even though you "lost it". I hate when that happens!! You're right, love is a big issue especially for me. It's scary and maybe I'm tyring to avoid it by emailing my T instead of talking to her directly. I've told her in person that the "child parts" love her but I never said that my whole Self does. It makes me cry to think about it.

poetgirl, but I HATE the boundaries. I know that's a child part talking, or maybe not, but I am angry thinking about it. So maybe I'm starting to feel a lot of anger. Maybe I do feel more than I think I feel (in reference to your thread about feelings). I DON'T think it's acceptable to love my T. Rationally I know it's okay, but parts of me keep saying NO, it's not okay (even if it has nothing to do with sex) to love her. I don't know why I feel ashamed of those feelings, but I do.

I think that the difference between manipulating and getting your needs met is how open you are about what you are doing. Yes, manipulating is for getting your needs met but manipulating isn't being open about what you are doing. It is best to be open about getting your needs met.

Have you frequently felt ashamed of your feelings and not just about your feelings of love for your T?

Hope4joy: I didn't mean I should apologize for loving her, but for insisting on an answer when I know (though I don't understand) her boundaries about emails. Yes, I am trying to accept what is. I needed the reality check from all of you to do it, though.

Butterflying, yes, focusing so much on my T has been my problem--always!

granite, you have a good memory! You remember what my T said better than I do. Thanks. I'm enjoying my grandchildren very much!

78, yes, I do know that my T accepts me and all of my parts. I've always known that. I just couldn't help wishing that, after being so vulnerable in my emails, she could just write me back something reassuring. I don't see why that would hurt me but apparently she thinks it would spiral into more and more "therapy via email." I honestly just wanted an "it's okay" this time, but oh, well.

Perna, I think I get it. I need to talk about my relationship with her in person, but it's okay to talk about my family with her via email. I understand the reasoning but I don't like it.

Sannah, but I explicitly said in my email that I want her to tell me it's okay to love her, that I was feeling ashamed. I tell her everything, so I don't know how that can be called manipulation according to your definition. I do have a lot of shame about feelings in general.

It seems like manipulating to me because you know that she doesn't want to talk about that kind of thing through email.
That is the boundary she set.

Yet, you told her your feeling and are now upset and having feelings of shame because she didn't respond to those felings. So you are trying to manipulate the boundary and move it by essentially telling her you are in distress because she won't answer your email. But you knew she wouldn't answer it when you sent he email. And by telling her you fel shame it seems like you are tryin to play on her feelings of pity for you, or guilt that her lack of response is making you feel shame!!

You know your needs cannot be met through email, yet you are still trying to get them met through email.
That is why I see it as manipulating.

I think the fact that she set a clear boundary about what she would and wouldn't do in e-mail, yet you are still trying to get "more" from her is what comes off as a bit manipulative. You have to accept and respect her boundaries about this.

Do you understand where this comes from?

People learn to manipulate because while growing up they had to be manipulative to get their needs met.

darkrunner, you're right again. My needs can't be met through email!!!

farmergirl, you're right too. It is just hard to accept her boundary about emails because I have the need to express myself, to be heard, AND to be responded to. It's hard for me to sit with strong feelings.

Sannah, I suffered from selective mutism so I didn't have a way to get my needs met when I didn't talk. They used to say SM was manipulative, but it's now accepted as social anxiety, so I don't know. I couldn't help not talking but I can see where the pattern of not asking fits in, or wanting too much but not being able to ask, so silence was manipulative? I'm not sure about what I just wrote. It doesn't make sense to me.

Kids don't get their needs met because their parents have issues. Kids still need their needs met, however.

wow rain does this bring back memories even T would tell me i was manipulating because i wouldn't talk and the horrible things that this one T had my parents do...this T i have would never say that at least i don't think she would she never has she has for the most part accepted my silence for what it is and doesn't do a lot to encourage it but doesn't belittle me for it either.wow those memories