integrating...

i'm meant to see my therapist this friday. he has had a month off. but i'm meant to see my therapist this friday. i was tossing up not going. because i was feeling really hurt and abandoned. because he had a month off, yeah. but also because he said he would email me and then he didn't really because he turned out to be a lot busier than he expected to be.

part of me... feels so very hurt and sad and frightened and alone. alone...

part of me... feels abandoned. and mad. really mad that he did that. and wants to hurt him. wants to make him feel bad so he never does that again.

part of me... is indifferent. no point going back. don't really want anything to do with him now. caring withdrawn.

and i...

i want to be mature about this.

to be able to tell him about the little kid feelings in a way that isn't dismissive of them but also in a way that isn't trying to hurt him / make him feel bad and isn't LIKELY to result in his feeling hurt / bad.

i don't know if i can.

but i really really want to try.

i want to get better. i want to be better. i wish i was a better person. healthier. i want to be a good person. i really really really really do.

but... i don't know if i can.

(((((Alex)))) I totally understand how you feel. A month break?? That must be painful. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I went through something similar a few sessions ago. I wanted him to hurt because I felt like he was pushing me away. Then once I thought I hurt him, the guilt was unbearable, which led to me emailing him which led to him not responding, and the cycle continued.

There is plenty to go back to. Share this with him at your next session. Okay?

Sux not to have t for a full month!!!

Sounds like a good idea to tell t how you feel about his absence....how you want to hurt him....see, if you tell him about how angry you are you want to hurt him....you're being honest in a mature way....get what I'm saying?.....you're not being passive aggressive,....you're expressing your anger, you're telling him what you want to do to him....bang his head against a brick wall....and I just hope he really listens to you and sits with you in your moment of anger and pain.....

And try not to worry about him being hurt....it's his job to take care of himself...though I routinely ask my t is what I have just said has been hurtful...yeah, I check in on her emotional states....not in an effort to take care of her...but so that we can talk about my own need to make sure she's not angry or upset at me....and what it means to me....

You will do just fine. It is important to tell him about your feelings, so that you can work through them and understand where they are coming from. You also want to remain an adult and not lose control and hurt him (for real, even emotionally), or look like you aren't in control. Right? So, tell him that too, and how it is important for you to acknowledge your feelings but in a grown-up way. Then go ahead and feel what you need to feel. I betcha he can take it and will understand.

Rap

thanks everyone. i'll try. i'll really really try. i guess i have a tendency to act out. because i find it really hard to verbally conceptualise what is going on for me. just figuring out what is going on for me (what i'm feeling and stuff) is a major mission. then, once that is done there is the major mission of being able to express that instead of acting it. mostly my fear of expressing it is fear that the therapist will try and make me restructure it or something. that the therapist will get defensive or something. but... he is repeatedly NOT doing that with the things that i do manage to express to him. so... i guess i should really give this a shot.

its really hard though.

i wish... that the feelings weren't so very intense. the intensity makes it hard.

trying not to get lost too... being able to state the little kid feelings (alone, hurt) and feel them without getting lost in them. being able to state the abandoned / angry feelings without getting lost in them (and trying to make him feel bad). being able to talk about my desire to remove myself from him and not care anymore to prevent future hurts.

to do it in a way that is respectful of his decision to take time off. to be able to hold understanding of the reasonableness of that...

i don't see how to hold them all in mind at the same time. my mind... simply isn't big enough. and the different aspects don't seem to occur to me when they should. i mean... the reasonableness stuff is supposed to occur to me to help PREVENT me getting lost. but the trouble is it just doesn't occur to me and so i get lost. i don't know. so confusing. sorry.

AK, I so like what your wrote here, I to struggle with wanting to be all adult and mature about things unuyet that "part" of me just won't give up yet!. I think what you said about trying to honour those "childlike" feelings is the key, maybe I need to tell T that part of me feels like she wants to hit you because she feels you;ve abandoned her unyet another part understands completely.

Alex,
You did such a beautiful job describing the confusion you feel when encountering all your different parts. So, Im certain you can tell your T this as well. sometimes when i am feeling that intense i wait a week or so until i can manage the topic without falling apart. It has a way of coming up anyway when it's ready to.

And a month? Suuuuch a long time. You are so brave to go back! Bravo!

((((((Alex))))))

My first thought was wow... how adult of you. You are able to carry your child/emotions in a box to tote to therapy but keep them in the box. It is nice of you to not slam him on his first week back but I wonder do you generally keep the kid(s) in a box or do you ever let them out to him? How well does he know the kids beyond your description? Would you feel safe sharing your kids more personally?

You just shared that above with the intensity comment. I understand that. Afraid they might go rampant?

Yes it is his job to take care of himself.

I don't think there's anything mature/immature about feeling what you feel? I also think some things will "resolve" when you see him again and, if nothing else, you can "sulk" if you want :-) that he's been away and he'll see it. I always kind of "liked" going to the session after my T had been away because of the conflict with wanting to sulk and yet now she was back and I was "safe" and things were "normal" again. The tension pulling me each way was kind of interesting for me to feel and try to deal with; the horrible time is over versus it shouldn't have happened in the first place, I hate you :-)

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alexandra_k said:
i wish... that the feelings weren't so very intense. the intensity makes it hard.

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So, so f***ing hard. I know. Congratulations on making it through the month. I hope we both have great sessions tomorrow. I like what you said in response to one of my posts, about how you were trying to reciprocate feelings for your T... you know, seeing him as human, feeling excitement for him. That is a big, big step. Remember that. I am lost in the wonder of how to hold multiple feelings for someone all at the same time. I'm sure you will have so much to say tomorrow. Or nothing at all, haha. I say that because if it has been awhile since I have seen him, my mind will be brimming over with stuff. He will say, "So what's been going on?" My answer-- "nothing." It takes me awhile to get started.

I know your time is way different from where I am but I just wanted to wish you well for your visit tomorrow.

hey. he sent me a txt on monday night. something about being sorry he didn't reply to my emails within a reasonable time. that he tried to reply (yeah, probably that night), but he was having problems sending. that he hoped i would go to our session on tuesday. i txted him back that i'd see him tomorrow.

he was late. not by much, just a couple minutes. the front door was locked so i sat down across the road and by the time i'd rolled a cigarette he had arrived. he said that he didn't want to overkill the apologies... but he was sorry. i was like 'well, it was supposed to be your time off, its ok'.

he said that he thought we had bonded but that things felt very disconnected today. i said i was sorry. that i was trying he said i didn't need to be sorry. that he wasn't upset with me. that it wasn't a criticism. i said i knew he wasn't criticising me. but that i was unhappy with myself.

he says 'i don't think that x is what is needed but... x'. he does that a lot.

i guess he couldn't win really. i told him that k was hurt and a was angry and w thought we shouldn't go back. he asked if i wanted to do a visualisation exercise to feel the feeling a bit. i declined. he said it was okay if they wanted to write to him. i said 'i think we are all done with writing for a while'.

i dunno. numb. horrible horrible intense emotions. they don't seem to have a mute. i wish they would just go away.

he seems to focus on certain things and ignore the rest. his stuff, i guess. his stuff. he focuses on telling me how he isn't going to burn out. i did mention that past therapists have... but mostly (in the emails) i talked about feeling insignificant. he didn't seem to pick up on the latter, he just got the former. he said he would only terminate me if he felt like he was physically in danger. i know there are other things that he jolly well should terminate me on, however. then he said 'oh, and if i thought my family was in danger'. a bit of dwelling on that. is he purposely trying to hurt me? unthinking.

all the rest of the stuff in the emails... all the big risks i took there were just passed over and ignored. yeah right i'm gonna let them write to him. we %#@&#! did that already and it didn't work out so there it is.

he seems to want me to get mad at him. whatever. i don't feel anything. see him on tuesday... but... i'm starting to think this might not work out all that well after all.

because they helped me write them. but even to say that isn't right. i %#@&#! told him already. how i conceive of them. and he just %#@&#! ignores that and continues conceiving of them how he conceives of them. like with the things that i say are important to me he just ignores those too and just keeps on with the things that he thinks are important to me.

he keeps saying 'i'm not your mother'

%#@&#! no %#@&#!.

father mr. my father left me, you went away. kt wrote she felt abandoned. oh yeah thats cause we are seeing you as my mother. for ****s sake.

anger is easier for him to deal with. that must be it.

i really don't know that this is going to work

he repeatedly fails to deal with W. keeps casting what W. said into something he did not say. deals with that. like how i told him that Linehan said some stuff about people with BPD often needing to learn to look after their therapists and i thought i could get better with that because there was a bit of a history with that. and he was like 'i disagree with Linehan about that, i think it is solely the therapists responsibility...' and went on... and i was like 'when there is a repeating pattern its probably worthwhile looking at how you are contributing to it'. thats all we ever %#@&#! meant to say about that.

what happened to relational theory there?

i don't know what he is up to. anger is meant to be a way of asserting yourself. maybe he wants me to say what i really think. maybe...

but i really don't think it is likely. unthinking. i'm fairly sure that it is just that he is unthinking really. i get it. he has a fear of getting overinvolved 'cause thats happened before. i'm not %#@&#! stupid. i know how to use google.

disillusioned.

((((((((((((( Alexandra ))))))))))))))

That all sounds very frustrating and confusing. Writing can make it possible or easier to say things that you just can't get out f2f, and when you take that risk and put yourself out there, it's hard not getting a direct response to what you said. I'm not sure that therapists understand how much anxiety is involved in waiting for a reply to a letter like that. It gets excrutiating, and just builds and builds over time, doesn't it? Unfortunately, not every T is good at using email. Sometimes they can learn, but for some it just isn't comfortable.

I hope that you will tell him how you really feel and what you are really thinking. Maybe you could tell him what was really important to you in the email, and ask him specifically, f2f, what his response would be to those things that you wrote.

It sounds like you are having a lot of disconnection right now, and talking over these feelings can be an important turning point for you. It can work for your benefit it you and T are able to take a good look at where the feelings are coming from, and work your way through them. I know it's uncomfortable and painful. Keep on posting about it if it helps, but make sure that you talk about it honestly with T also.

TC,
Rap

Well... He was able to text you.... on the phone I assume. Seems interesting that he was not able to email but was able to text you. Sorry ... maybe he offered more than he was able to put out while he was gone. Did he get your emails? I think that you should review those and what you were sharing in those emails. You were sharing alot in those emails per your report.

I also think that you feel scattered. You fear that your people are not being taken care of. I think you need to go backward before you can go forward. I suppose that would be how I would feel myself.... and I think I see it with your situation. When your people feel heard about how you felt in his absence then you can deal with that and move forward. Ignoring that period of time is not realistic IMO.

If he wished to maintain contact I am sure he has your phone number ... and could have called or texted at that time.

Maybe I might ask if he was doing this over would he promise to keep in touch.

Hang in.... It is hard to feel bonded when you feel abandoned....

yeah. he could have sent me a txt. he could have phoned me up. but he didn't.

he said something about how it must be hard. i reached out to him and...

and we won't forget that. he can't hurt her like that and expect things to just continue on as they were before.

behind all his apologising it really is unclear what it is that he takes himself to be apologising for. apologising that i feel bad? apologising that he lied? that is unclear.

i think things are irrevokably damaged to tell you the honest truth. i don't show kt to anyone. not really. close to three %#@&#! weeks in my room with her crying and stuff. she reached out to him and he...

and thats not happening again.

i told him a was mad and w didn't want us to go back.

i gave him the emails. there was a lot of stuff in there... but he picked out one issue (his favourite issue) and seemed completely oblivious to the rest.

'you can tell me anything (i'll ignore the bits i can't cope with)'

yeah right.

he doesn't know how to be honest. i'll go once more but... i really think that this is it. he thinks he can go on about how busy he is and how much he cares about his family every %#@&#! session WHAT THE %#@&#! IS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME?????

he didn't even notice
he didn't even notice i was attached to him
until i withdrew it.

he said we had bonded
he looked surprised
what a stupid thing to say
he managed to %#@&#! well forget about me for one month
how dare he make it sound %#@&#! mutual
he said we had bonded
but that things felt disconnected today
no %#@&#! %#@&#!
you didn't even notice
till the contrast.

I think he noticed but that the contrast surprised him is what is shortsighted of your T. You deserve to be pissed and distant. But you can use this as a tool in your therapy. Do not abandon ship...yet.

hey. i guess the contrast makes both sides more apparent. the present disconnection makes the fact that we really did connect before much more apparent.

i guess i do need to get him to clarify what it was that he was apologising for. i had a past t / p-doc who used to break a promise everytime he saw me. this guy isn't that bad but it is hard to trust someone who routinely breaks their word - no matter how many apologies follow. 'i'll try and reschedule you'. yeah, right. 'i'll email you'. yeah right.

i'll see how it goes. we are on the friday - tuesday - friday thing at the moment. so i'll see him on tuesday and see how it goes. i kind of... can't be bothered. he never had to say it was okay for me to email him - but he did. he never had to say he would respond within a few days - but he did. how long does it take for him to email / phone / txt to say 'i'm sorry i'm more tied up than i expected to be' BEFORE i have to say to him that i'm scared somehting really bad happened to him / his family.

he did nothing.

i might well have been getting attached. but you don't treat people who you feel bonded to like that. you don't do it.

he completely disregarded me and my feelings. he could have done that by not giving me his email address. but he said it was okay for me to reach out to him and he promised to respond.

but he didn't.

and it wasn't like anything bad happened. he was 'busy'. in an expectible and predictable way. he was busy. too busy to take two %#@&#! minutes to say he was sorry and he shouldn't have promised to respond to me.

i don't think i'll be moving past this.

Well I think that this can certainly stay in your memory bank for some time... but ... how did you feel about this guy prior to this event.

I think that you have plenty to be ticked about ....but... can I play devil's advocate?

New daddy....
Wishing to integrate with his child and help his wife
Blowing it professionally but perhaps overwhelmed.... should do it differently in the future and perhaps he has learned from this event. Trust me I bet others have been letting him know how THEY feel too.

I think that the significant point at this point (not that all previous stuff is not relavent as it is...) is how he deals from this point forward. I think he needs to be genuine with you and not just ignore all that this has meant to you. YOu have shared abundantly in your emails.... lots of significant stuff.

Might this be addressed over time?

I wish I could say the perfect thing but hey...I do not know.

I hope that you will take care of your folks but pay special attention to KT.... allow her to express her feelings and try to protect her better than apparently you were ... as a child.

Would you like to soothe KT or let her express herself. Were you allowed to express your feelings .... in your childhood?

I am not sure about moving past this but it is an elephant in the room.... It can be addressed perhaps... but it will not be forgotten... or at least that is my thought.... for how I would feel.

sigh.

this is so %#@&#! hard.

i don't want to punish him...
but i do...

i don't want to feel angry...
but i do...

this is so hard.

i thought the mature thing to do here was to keep the anger and disappointment and aloofness in check. to try and keep those in check and get back to whatever it is we were working on before...

but...

one of my friends on another board said something to me. i said if things didn't get better next time i was contemplating quitting. she said when i perceive someone to let me down i go numb for a time. quite a while sometimes. trying to keep things together and move on. then i blow out. get really really really really really really mad. that it takes some time for me to get past that. she said... i needed to give him quite a bit of time and maybe not be so afraid of the anger and stuff. not be so very afraid of moving into the next stage of processing this.

so... seems that i was trying to avoid negative transference and that was the negative transference. all these 'bad feelings' maybe i need to move through them and turning away from them is only prolonguing this whole process.

see him tomorrow. i'll try and reconnect. it will be hard though.

:-(

crappy emotions.

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alexandra_k said:
so... seems that i was trying to avoid negative transference and that was the negative transference. all these 'bad feelings' maybe i need to move through them and turning away from them is only prolonguing this whole process.

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That sounds reasonable. Good luck tomorrow, alex_k!

I agree. Trying to control the feelings and not show them doesn't help you. You need to process what you are really feeling right now towards your T. That's part of the process, and even more so in psychodynamic therapies.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck!
Rap