In Session Today: Part IV

Whew. I was close to getting sent to the hospital today. At one point I thought I would leave feeling much worse than last week, which I thought was impossible. It turned out okay in the end....

I started off by telling her how awful my week was: how much I slept over the weekend/how much pain I was in with clenching my jaw overnight. Then she asked if I could talk about what has been feeling so bad lately. She has sensed I leave with a lot of anger (at myself), and she is right. She told me that she doesn't want her clients to consisitenly feel worse after each session, years down the road, that she is concerned I still feel this way.

I told her that as much as my childhood lack of memory and all the issues surrounding my premature birth drive me crazy (and they do), I think I need to close the shutter down on it. Whenever we talk about it, I feel worse, and SU. She said that it does seem like it is re-traumatizing me, and she doesn't want me to be more traumatized than I already am.

I agree with her, and while I didn't go down this path because I know it probably would have gone in circles again, is that I will try to close down this part of my life, but man it is DIFFICULT. I just want a sense of coherence about my childhood and who I am today. I think what she wants me to do is accept that I don't have it, and focus more on the present. That is going to be very difficult. I don't know why this is so hard for me, I really don't, but I also know that talking about it and hearing what she thinks only makes me feel SU.

At this point (TRIGGER WARNING)



She asked to talk about it some more, so I tried. I told her that I felt deeply broken, and she was telling me I needed to accept it and move on. She really had to think about what she was saying next to me (aka: she sighed and said "how do i say this?" lol), and said she doesn't want to negate my feelings of being deeply broken, and she isn't saying she wants to gloss over those feelings, but that it seems I am really stuck in therapy. (she is right) She said that when someone is really stuck, that sometimes a new perspective is needed, or a break of a few weeks to think about how things are without therapy.

I told her it might not make much sense to her, but therapy is usually the one thing that lets me get through the week. She went "Even if if leaves you feeling horrifyingly awful?" I said yep, and I couldn't tell her why. I think that surprised her. I told her that I do think I put a large onus on her and therapy to help me. She agreed and said that it seems all my eggs are in this one basket, and that it isn't necessarily helpful.

I keep turning that phrase around, trying to find a way to be upset or offended by it, but she is right. I ONLY have that one basket, so naturally, all my eggs are in it. I think she knows that, and she didn't say it in a judgemental way. She wants a goal of mine is to be self-compassionate. I told her if I was in a better mood, I'd find that comical. I said it was like asking me to go from A-Z, but she was forgetting about B-Y.

She said okay, she was willing to help me out from B-Y, and to try and spend this week thinking about a goal, or a new perspective, or "refresh button" that we could work on next week.

I really don't knjow what to think about all of this. I do know, that I didn't leave feeling SU as I did last week, and it was a really scary few minutes where I thought I would. I told her that I can't just go home and say "Alright, I am going ot like myself today!" She said she understood that, but that is something we can work on. She kept repeating that she wasn't going to allow me to keep this intense self-hatred as a "goal." She will always move towards compassion.

She is right in that I don't know how to move out of it, or even if I want to. She said that we can talk about that.

I still feel "wrong" just letting go of my past (or lack of memory, really), because it really does drive me insane--but as she said, it is re-traumatizing me, and that isn't helpful. I think for now, for my sanity, I have to.

Has anyone gotten to a point in therapy where you were like, "Okay, SOMETHING needs to change, (its either that or I choose the ultimate way out)," but you don't know what, or if you want to, or if you can?

It is frightening.

(((Velcro))) i have two bits advice from my life:
1. If there was something that you have been unable to say or do (as you said in your last line, "if you even can"), now is the time. The world wont end, i promise it will just change and you will be like superman leaving krypton. It wont be home, but you will have superpowers. (So SD camt say she never understands me!)

2. Put some little things, changes in motion, then just hang on until they take effect. Like put blinders on until you feel more flexible from doing stretches.

Yes. I pretty much followed una's blueprint to change it. And things are much better now, even if that may only be relative.

velcro--you often seem to reject any suggestions from your therapist immediately. Why not try some? Even if you end up not liking them or not continuing, at least you'll get in the habit of trying new things.

Thanks Una. I "know" that logically---but there is some irrational part of me that blocks me from actually helping myself.

I think what it boils down to is I need to decide if I want to feel better, and if I truly do, that I need to accept that I need to do things differently than I have been. Written out it seems like "DUH, OF COURSE VELCRO," but internally, it is so so difficult for me to decide/do.

I do, and I know that it must be extremely frustrating, but like I just wrote in response to Una a second ago, something blocks me. It almost feel like the "true" me is suicidal and full of self-loathing, and anything other than that goal feels false. Yes, that is exactly how that feels.

I really look forward to these vivid updates. You make it feel like we know your T and we are there. I love his email policy and his capacity to normalize instead of judge.

Thats not you, thats your evil introject. In my case, my big brother who wanted to kill his baby sister (and never grew out of it - i have proof, honestly) and our mother who only wanted to make him happy. Anyway, that becomes half your brain, your way of thinking, you internalize it, like stockholm syndrome. Where is your better half??

Gone? It never existed?

Who held the kitty up to the wall to catch the bug?

Eta - oh god i hope that was velcro!

Wow, that sounds like a very difficult session. It's good you were able to be open with your T about what was going on in your head when she said some of those things.

To answer your question, when I hit that point (both with ex-T in general and in her not helping me work through the ex-MC thing), I started looking around at other T's. I had the intention that I'd just go see a new one for a sort of "consultation," like a second opinion, for just a few sessions or maybe a couple months, then go back to ex-T. However, I ended up finding now-current-T's different perspective to be really helpful. I'd been with ex-T for 6 years (and ex-MC for around 4...) and think I just needed fresh eyes and a different style. So I just stayed with him. Has it all been smooth sailing? No (see: my updates from a few weeks ago with the whole transitional object debacle, though we seem to have come back from that). But I feel I'm learning and growing much more with him, at least as compared with, say, the last 3 years of seeing ex-T.

Would you be open to trying a different T, even just for a brief period? Maybe one who uses a different modality, say? I forget how long you've been seeing your current T.

This is like over a month out of date but it is still the last sesh I had so....here we are.

I took my usual position of leaning back feet up on another chair and started bouncing the tennis ball.

He asks how things have been.
I say same sht different day. He nods.
He is where he always is, around 6' away leaning back, eyes closed, fingers steepled above his solar plexus.
He ask how the drugs are...I say they are sht. He nods, says the most recent purity tests put the street gear at between 8 and 11% purity....so bloody awful.

He asks if I have spoken to the mother yet, I shake my head.
He asks if I want to go there. I say not really.
He asks how the meds are working. I say so so.
He asks if I want them increased? I say no.
I miss a catch and it hits the desk then the computer monitor he says I am going to give him a heart attack one day.
We discuss current affairs for a bit. Then back onto drugs where we debate their historical significance, and the current differing of treatment across the EU for addiction.
We discuss the futility of finding me a T. Despite it being a sound idea in theory. He promises to clear this with the team.
I ask about the percieved benefits of digging over childhood, he says in most cases it's unhelpful. And in my case pointless.
I joke that we know all that seeking deeper meanings stuff is pointless.
He says that doesn't mean that learning to cope with the present is pointless.

I grumble something about it being dull.

We review some grounding techniques as I begin to get agitated.
He asks if there is anything I would like to discuss, I say I am struggling with my older boy at the moment, but I will work it out.
He says something like , 'if your sure.'

It's only been 45 mins and I am counting the seconds until it ends.

More banter, more avoiding anything meaningful and then it's time Woo! Hoo!

Velcro

I hit that point with my t last August

at that time I was leaving every session feeling worse. I told t that and I told him I regret meeting him and that it seems like too much of a risk to go have sessions with him because of how I would be after

I started using hard drugs again as a way to cope I guess and disconnect from t. it worked and I told him I won't be back for a while

we didn't meet for a month. we exchanged a couple emails about where to go from here. t said he has been hearing from me that our sessions are not helpful. he said he would refer me to someone else if that's what we felt I needed

t asked about goals like ur t did. I wrote t my list of goals and why I think therapy is beneficial. and I wrote why I think it's not at times

I came back to see t and was high. I told t about the drugs and everything. t said he felt very sad and that he cares about me too much to watch me do this. I left and didn't go back for a month or so

so I guess I did take a break. but I'm not sure that's what helped bc I was high during most of it. wasting tons of money on drugs to stay high and not care (which I'm still paying the price for that today)

I think I read you've been with your t for a long time too. it sucks to think maybe it's not helpful anymore and maybe even has turned harmful

I get what u mean though about the sessions being like an oasis. your ts comment about all your eggs in one basket is exactly what my t said too

t tries to get me to make other baskets with other people. it's hard and not easy but I've managed one more lol

I don't really have advice or anything just wanted to share that yes I've been stuck in therapy. it was a rough and painful time for me. I hope u can hang on during this. something I always try to tell myself is that it won't be this way forever. things constantly change. you've been very supportive to me on here and I'm thankful for that and I hope you know you a worthy kind compassionate person

lol, it was me
Yeah, i've been seeing her 3 years in about a month or so. I've talked to her a lot about stuff I could never talk about in other therapies, so I think she has been helpful. Someoe else suggested I see another T too, just to get a different perspective, but opening up to a T is SO difficult for me, I can't imagine it. I also don't want to leave this T.
Thank you for this story. I still feel like I am all out of sorts, and am scared she can't help. I sort of got the feeling today that she is saying that therapy can't cure anything, and is there to help me along my path, but basically there is so much she can do.

I guess I get that...I don't know.

I think.. for me.. it's often come down to the question of do I actually want to get better. my t and I talk about that a lot. I talk about my fears of getting better and how feeling good can also be scary. I think it can be a pretty common fear tho. and there's a lot of things mixed in there. sometimes just talking about my ambivalence helps

omg velcro i read this and get it so much. it is so hard to decide this . for me it doesnt feel real or i am able to do this because even if i did i have no idea how to go about it . i have no idea what feeling better is all about or how to get there . no experience with it .just settling for existing and feeling miserable . its not a matter of not wanting to but a matter of not knowing how

Yeah, i think i need to talk about that with my T, as well.
My T has ideas (and has given me plenty of suggestions over the years), but I just reject them all, ha.

You guys, you have no choice. Your planet is exploding. Now go be superman.

If i can ignore my poor 85 year old auntie on the phone (who actually looks and runs around better than i do, i think we really do have superman genes, everybody thought she was mother, not grandmother of the bride, 20 years ago) - ANYWAY - then you can do this too. Or are you telling me im speshul?

And thats all i'll say about it, unless you wanna ask me questions.

I had a session with T today. I think I was grounded and calm while also being somewhere in outer space. We talked about different things, including accepting myself, which we often talk about. We talked about how much I am over work, how much I am just tired of constantly having to deal with things. I am looking forward to Summer break. It has been a good but also a difficult year at work. I do know that I am okay as I am. I am not sure if all of me agrees.

Velcro, when I was more depressed, I admitted to my T that I wasn't sure that I wanted to get better and that part of me felt like I deserved to feel terrible. She said that that's a normal part of being depressed and that the way forward is to do good things for yourself and trust that your mood will follow. We talked about what those things might be for me and I agreed to try them even though it seemed pointless. I remember going on brisk walks with my dog and the only good thing I could feel was satisfaction in knowing that I could report back to my T that I did her dumb thing and felt nothing. But then eventually I did start to feel a tiny bit better, which made therapy more effective, which made me feel better still. It became something of an upward spiral. And the good thing is that you don't have to believe that it will work for it to actually start working.

Ah, Velcro, I can totally relate. And like some of the other posters have mentioned, starting to see a different therapist at that point is what eventually really helped me (though not without a whole lot of drama and turmoil leaving the first one).

Not knowing your full story, it's hard to tell whether you're at that precipice because of some repetition and/or reenactment with your therapist, or because of feeling depressed (in part as a result of the therapy?), or you're not feeling heard by your therapist (she's pushing self-compassion, but it really doesn't fit with how you feel about yourself), or, or...any number of reasons.

From my own experience (and this is insight gleaned in retrospect), when I have felt like things are in such a black and white space in therapy it's been because of all of the above. I wonder if it's something your therapist can help you explore. Just recently, after my thousandth time of expressing ambivalence about leaving therapy, my therapist suggested that we treat the impulse to quit as information that's not really about quitting, and using it as a starting point for gaining more understanding. Which, like you said, when written out has a huge "duh" factor.

I'm getting rambly. Past my bedtime. The upshot of all of this is that I can empathize. And I'm happy to provide support in whatever form might be useful.

Yeah, I think I need to get over this part, because I don't really believe it will help-or help long term.
Thank you for your thoughts. I honestly don't know what is happening or what I should do about it. She said that if it is semantics and I don't like the word "compassion," we can talk about it--she just doesn't want me to roll around in my self-hatred forever, but that a goal will be helpful.

I don't think it is repetition with my T. It is hard because I so easily lose my ability to verbalize what I am feeling during session, and then spiral down and almost never tell her about it, except yesterday. A reenactment? Not sure. I think I am more depressed, and not sure if it is the therapy or that I need a med adjustment. I do see my psychiatrist in the next few weeks.

I journaled last night (not sober, a little afraid to go re-read it), and will debate if I will journal again (sober), or hand over my non-sober journal entry for my T to read next week.

This stuff is difficult. I REALLY want her to be the T that can help me through this. I do not want to start over.

I totally understand not wanting to start over. That’s great that you were able to tell her what was going on in your most recent session.

Is your therapist aware of your difficulties with verbalizing what you’re feeling? Taking it really slow, with lots of reassurance that I can say whatever I need to at whatever pace works for me has been helpful.

Yes, she is well aware. She never pushes me to talk, and lets me use e-mail, and now written journal entries to help.

My session started today with my therapist welcoming my request to spend some time in silence together so that I could try to get myself organized and transition from the “outside world” to the session. It was helpful in that it prevented me from the typical start of session rambling, but I was still disappointed in how focused I was on distilling my thoughts into a coherent theme. It’s so hard to let go of the idea that I need to articulate everything clearly.

I settled on talking about trying to “find a place” in my life - a place where I feel centered and as if I belong, and where I’m not swinging chaotically between the competent, coherent version of myself and the vulnerable, inarticulate version.

The long weekend was kind of horrid for me. I know by now that long weekends and especially holidays when I don’t have my kids are difficult. I don’t want to horn in on others’ plans with their families, so I keep to myself. Initially it feels like a reprieve because there isn’t anyone to be responsible to or for. But it always descends into a lonely funk. I stay up too late, sleep too late, don’t accomplish any of the plans I make for myself, and feel like ****.

I tried to explain how this feeling catapulted me into reactivating my online dating account, and then almost immediately regretting having done so a few hours later. My therapist encouraged me to talk about what I’m looking for in a relationship, setting aside the limitations of dating humans.

We’ve had this conversation before. I have a sense about what I want, but it’s usually overpowered by the nagging question, “Who am I to have desires when I’m so undesirable?” She acknowledged the thought/fear, and kept encouraging me to identify what I want.

The session was fine. I said things, she said things. I tried as best as possible to participate in the stream of conversation, tracking her questions and offering mostly coherent, semi-intelligent responses. But my vulnerable self was hidden, or set aside. She wanted me to accept this for what it was.

But I left without talking about how my longing for her, or more broadly for the kind of maternal warmth I’m seeking also contributed to me reactivating my dating profile. I know I can’t get from her what I wish for, and that I need to be a grown up and engage in messy, reciprocal relationships if I want to get my needs met. But my resistance to dating (read: sex, intimacy) is real. As is my resistance to meeting my own gd needs. It just makes me tired.

That’s great that she’s open to alternate ways to communicate. I hope you’re able to share your not sober and/or sober journal entries with her.