[MoxieDoxie]

because of unmet childhood needs, what exactly do you want from your therapist? What do you want them to do with you? Take you home with them? Treat you like one of their children? Hang out like buddies?

I keep asking this young part of me, that is so insanely attached, what does it exactly want from him? The shame just well ups inside of me. It wants to be part of his family. To be involved in his life everyday outside of therapy. Not just 1 hr a week. To be loved back.

That is something it can never have and all I feel from it is heavy grief like someone you love deeply has died and you can never have access to that person again. It is just heavy choking feeling.

My T and I are trying to work through this but I just do not see this going away anytime soon and it is so painful.

So what do you want from T?

[unaluna]

I wanted my t to carry me in a Snugli while he cut the grass. Nevermind that i weighed twice as much as he did. I told him so, and he never said no. But he never actually did it either!

So you know, its not our t's, right? They are just some random person that the fates put in our life. There is really only one person, maybe two, whose job it was to take care of you. To love you. For whatever reason, they decided not to do this job. THEY HAD ONE JOB! Like the twitter meme says. One job.

What worked for me - i chose one job that my mother failed at, that i was still failing at in my current life, but that i could correct.

So what that did was show me all the ways i was clinging on to all the other failures. I guess i need to start succeeding at those too.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

because of unmet childhood needs, what exactly do you want from your therapist? What do you want them to do with you? Take you home with them? Treat you like one of their children? Hang out like buddies?

I keep asking this young part of me, that is so insanely attached, what does it exactly want from him? The shame just well ups inside of me. It wants to be part of his family. To be involved in his life everyday outside of therapy. Not just 1 hr a week. To be loved back.

That is something it can never have and all I feel from it is heavy grief like someone you love deeply has died and you can never have access to that person again. It is just heavy choking feeling.

My T and I are trying to work through this but I just do not see this going away anytime soon and it is so painful.

So what do you want from T?

I want her to sit down next to me and hold me. She did, once. It was very powerful and increased my belief that therapy works.

I don't believe that a therapist is someone who is tossed into our lives fatefully - at least, not a therapist I decide to work with. I saw 2 others prior to mine and they were not a match for me AT ALL. My T is very special to me for many reasons.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm not attached to my therapist now but I was attached to former T. I really just wanted her to love me. Deeply. Unconditionally. No strings attached.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

To be loved unconditionally
To be hugged
To be held while i cry
To be part of her family
To spend more time with her
To watch a movie and talk about it afterwards
Etc

Three of those she gives me already.

[LonesomeTonight]

With ex-marriage counselor, I just kept having the thought "I wish he could just hold me." It was generally in a paternal way, like a father would hold a young child. And just wanting him to accept me no matter what I did. And to love me (again, not in a romantic way--most of the time, anyway).

[ScarletPimpernel]

L and I talk about longings and fantasies a lot. I wish she could tuck me into bed and kiss my forehead goodnight. I wish when I'm sick that she bring me soup and rub my back. I wish we'd sit on the couch together and I put my head on her shoulder and her hold me tight. I wish she could play with my hair. I wish I could just hold her hand against my cheek. I wish I could have been her child or her adopt me. I wish we could lay in bed, holding hands with our arms intertwined, just resting. I wish we could watch tv together and I just lay my head in her lap.

However, I am satisfied with all that she does do for me. I know I'm very lucky to have her. She does met a lot of my needs even though she (nor anyone) couldn't met all my needs/wants. And it does help immensely! I have a ways to go, but I'm already feeling more secure within our relationship as well as within myself.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

L and I talk about longings and fantasies a lot. I wish she could tuck me into bed and kiss my forehead goodnight. I wish when I'm sick that she bring me soup and rub my back. I wish we'd sit on the couch together and I put my head on her shoulder and her hold me tight. I wish she could play with my hair. I wish I could just hold her hand against my cheek. I wish I could have been her child or her adopt me. I wish we could lay in bed, holding hands with our arms intertwined, just resting. I wish we could watch tv together and I just lay my head in her lap.

However, I am satisfied with all that she does do for me. I know I'm very lucky to have her. She does met a lot of my needs even though she (nor anyone) couldn't met all my needs/wants. And it does help immensely! I have a ways to go, but I'm already feeling more secure within our relationship as well as within myself.

And what would happen if you could never see her again? If she moved out of state or released you as a client? How functioning would you be?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

And what would happen if you could never see her again? If she moved out of state or released you as a client? How functioning would you be?

It really depends. Her moving out of state actually is a real possibility, believe it or not. She told me that from day 1. We already have an idea of what we would do if that happens. I will be sad, depressed, but I don't think I'd go off the deep end. Same with if she died. I would fight to carry on to respect her and all she has given me. Sure, I might have to be hospitalized for awhile or go to a crisis house. But I would fight for her. Now if she abandons me, that's a whole other scenario. Pretty much everyone who knows me knows my life is gravely at risk if that happens. Thankfully, I'll have T who will be there. But yeah, another abandonment would kill me.

[snowangel17]

In my fantasy, I want to be friends with my T and be able to chat to and see them on a more regular basis. I feel like we would get along quite well. Many times I also want to be their partner and for me to be the most important person in their life....I know this is fantasy and in reality would be awful and not work etc

In reality, I would like them just to be more explicit with their feelings towards me and also give me a hug.

[Elio]

We talk a lot about the fantasies. Mostly I want her to teach me how to be a person. Which is really funny because it's not like I don't know. So, I guess it's more to be a person that I can go to and ask the questions my younger self has and to get things explained at a level that a young child would understand.

Over the years, there have been a variety of wants - being tucked in, wanting more time with her, hold me (let me crawl into her lap and sit with my back against her body), let me rest my head in her lap, hugs. Right now, I want her to be mommy again when I'm actually physically with her. For the last 2 yrs or so, she's mommy off and on when I'm not in session and when I get to session she's Dr. S. I actually think this is progress, even if it's not what I really want (or what a part of me wants).

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t know really. I had 2 loving and accepting parents and a huge loving extended family. I think I just had a crush on her.

[GeminiNZ]

I was severely abused by both my parents for my entire childhood. Also kept excluded from most everyone, with the exception of being allowed to go to school because not sending me would've set off alarms bells (but even then the one time a teacher raised concerns for my well-being, my parents had me removed from her class) and later on to part-time work (but had to hand over all my pay). I was essentially a prisoner and didn't manage to escape (successfully) until i was twenty.

I've struggled at times with even knowing what i need from T because i missed out on *everything*. No safe person, no safe place, no love, nurturing, protection. Nothing. And what was worse in some ways is that i had a sibling who was raised very differently so i got to see what i was missing out on as i was missing out on it.

Even in sessions, when T asks what might be helpful, i find it difficult to pin down. It runs the gamut from taking me home and adopting me to just wanting him to hold my hand. The first obviously isn't an option, but the second is (i can ask for hugs too).

I guess what i really need is for it to be okay to need him. For him not to be repelled by it or laugh at me for it or use it to hurt me. We've been working together a long time and i still have moments, days, weeks even when i feel that somehow it must not be okay and he always reassures me that it is.

I'm slowly (veeeerrrry slowly) learning to dial down the internal "it's not okay" messages and dial up T's "it is okay" message.

[feileacan]

I wanted to be my T's baby, a very demanding one that can be never put down. I also told him that and he said that "you can be my baby here, during the session". I don't feel like that for a long time anymore but he says that sometimes he still find himself performing functions for me that are related to baby-parts. Probably something related to co-regulating emotions or being the only one responsible for the relationship in a moment or stuff like that.

Then I wanted to just be with him in his country home. I imagined going there for a weekend, just being there two of us, both doing our own stuff, not talking much really but just being in the presence of each other. I still sometimes think about it but that's really not an acute longing but more reflecting the feeling of the relationship we have.

We might actually become colleagues at some point but here I really hope that he retires before that

[elisewin]

I used to have longings of her just taking care of me in a motherly way. During long therapy the urges of motherly care diminished and I felt I didn't need her in a way I used to. But we did become very fond of each other and decided to become friends after the therapy ended. So in a way I got exactly what I hoped for and it feels just very normal actually. Nothing bad happened like I heard people here warn about.

So what it is like? We have talked a lot about both random and more personal stuff after therapy. She has lost her special halo in my eyes and became someone in the same category as my other friends. The things she says and does don't have an effect out of proportion to me anymore. But I like her a lot and am terribly happy she is still around.

I guess I wrote this to tell that the urges can diminish and disappear, both during and after therapy. And that therapists are actually very normal people. The longings rise from the past and are brought on the surface by the nurturing therapy relationship. And the person behind is just a regular person.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I used to have longings of her just taking care of me in a motherly way. During long therapy the urges of motherly care diminished and I felt I didn't need her in a way I used to. But we did become very fond of each other and decided to become friends after the therapy ended. So in a way I got exactly what I hoped for and it feels just very normal actually. Nothing bad happened like I heard people here warn about.

So what it is like? We have talked a lot about both random and more personal stuff after therapy. She has lost her special halo in my eyes and became someone in the same category as my other friends. The things she says and does don't have an effect out of proportion to me anymore. But I like her a lot and am terribly happy she is still around.

I guess I wrote this to tell that the urges can diminish and disappear, both during and after therapy. And that therapists are actually very normal people. The longings rise from the past and are brought on the surface by the nurturing therapy relationship. And the person behind is just a regular person.

Thank you SO much for this. Me and my T have known for a while that once therapy is over we will become friends and stay into each other's lives, but I still have some transference stuff to work through. I have no fears or concerns about staying in contact because I trust my T 100% and the relationship we have is genuine and heartfelt and pure on both sides, but I've wondered how it will be when I no longer have such intense feelings towards her. I've had glimpses of it already, but I'm still very attached to her and even attracted to her. It is wonderful to read about someone who has come out of therapy and already been friends with their T and how it feels. It will be the same for us when the time is right .

[nottrustin]

Great question, which I had to really think about. Honestly, it is more of a friendship and her reassurance. She has accomplished SO much in her life. So many things I wish I could. She is a hiker and I would just LOVE to go on a hike together. She has hiked for many years, does over night trips, etc. I start hiking during COVID. I have hiked on semi high mountain. There is so much to learn about hiking but I have nobody to go with except my inexperienced adult child. I would love to have her show me the ropes. She has told me anytime I want hiking advice, to just ask. Hiking has been a major part of my ability to cope over the last year so it is very much therapy related but I hate using regular therapy time discussing it in any depth.

I had an amazing mother and long term T played a maternal role in many ways. Current T is 4 years younger than I am and while we are alike in many ways, our life experiences are quite different. My children are all adults, hers children is 6, her parents are both still alive--mine have been deceased for quite a few years. Those were some of the things that long term T understood and had experienced. So like with raising children she had experience and kind of helped me with all my parenting concerns

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I used to have longings of her just taking care of me in a motherly way. During long therapy the urges of motherly care diminished and I felt I didn't need her in a way I used to. But we did become very fond of each other and decided to become friends after the therapy ended. So in a way I got exactly what I hoped for and it feels just very normal actually. Nothing bad happened like I heard people here warn about.

So what it is like? We have talked a lot about both random and more personal stuff after therapy. She has lost her special halo in my eyes and became someone in the same category as my other friends. The things she says and does don't have an effect out of proportion to me anymore. But I like her a lot and am terribly happy she is still around.

I guess I wrote this to tell that the urges can diminish and disappear, both during and after therapy. And that therapists are actually very normal people. The longings rise from the past and are brought on the surface by the nurturing therapy relationship. And the person behind is just a regular person.

There would never be a chance he would be friends with me. I am 20 years older than him and I am female. I do not even know if he has any real desire to want me around in his regular life. I truly doubt that. All I can do is what for the urges to diminish and disappear. It is so painful.

[elisewin]

I didn't really write what I did to suggest a friendship. I realize in most cases it is not possible or desirable. The point was rather that the longings can disappear during the therapy and also the realization, that the person once making them surface is just a very regular person and without the context of therapy would never have caused any of those feelings. Coming from someone who got to know her ex-T after therapy. Mine is really nice, we have lots in common and enjoy each other's company, but like I said, the longings and need to be cared for in a motherly fashion are not there at all. The reality is very different than the fantasies I once had.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by elisewin

I didn't really write what I did to suggest a friendship. I realize in most cases it is not possible or desirable. The point was rather that the longings can disappear during the therapy and also the realization, that the person once making them surface is just a very regular person and without the context of therapy would never have caused any of those feelings. Coming from someone who got to know her ex-T after therapy. Mine is really nice, we have lots in common and enjoy each other's company, but like I said, the longings and need to be cared for in a motherly fashion are not there at all. The reality is very different than the fantasies I once had.

Did you ever have sadness/grief when noticing the longing feelings diminish? Mine are diminishing in various ways and different levels depending on everything going on. However, I can't tell if that is because of internal growth or because I am shutting down parts and pushing her out. And I miss the good feelings I felt when that longing was stronger. I don't miss the painful feelings when the longing was stronger. I miss how I felt about myself when I felt more in touch with that part of me. Now, so little in my life feels safe enough - which is why I feel like I am shutting down - pushing her out.

There are other times where it feels like it's not a big deal because I know my T is there (which is part of the internalization of it all, I get that).

And yeah, we are talking about it.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by Elio

Did you ever have sadness/grief when noticing the longing feelings diminish? Mine are diminishing in various ways and different levels depending on everything going on. However, I can't tell if that is because of internal growth or because I am shutting down parts and pushing her out. And I miss the good feelings I felt when that longing was stronger. I don't miss the painful feelings when the longing was stronger. I miss how I felt about myself when I felt more in touch with that part of me. Now, so little in my life feels safe enough - which is why I feel like I am shutting down - pushing her out.

There are other times where it feels like it's not a big deal because I know my T is there (which is part of the internalization of it all, I get that).

And yeah, we are talking about it.

Elio, that is an interesting question and post. I don't know, but to me what you described going between feeling less safe and ok with it suggests that you are going forward in your process.

Did I feel sadness and grief? Mostly not, because it was slow and gradual, but actually I do have a vague missing of situations, where an overwhelming anxiety can be calmed down by a powerful entity just like that! Which once was my T just saying caring things and paying full attention when I needed it. It's not a longing really, more like a memory how simple it once was, like how a mother calms down a child. I don't have much safe memories from my childhood, but I have these glimpses of remembering how it is possible, thanks to T. And even there I don't miss my T as a person, I don't even feel she could do that anymore as I am not as attentive or receptive to fixes like that anymore? Maybe I can even say that I grew up.

If feeling overwhelmed I turn to adult ways to handle it. Talking to friends and spouse, selfcare or just letting it come and go. And I love the way of functioning this way, it feels safe and right. But that was a really interesting thing to think about, thank you Elio.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by elisewin

Elio, that is an interesting question and post. I don't know, but to me what you described going between feeling less safe and ok with it suggests that you are going forward in your process.

Did I feel sadness and grief? Mostly not, because it was slow and gradual, but actually I do have a vague missing of situations, where an overwhelming anxiety can be calmed down by a powerful entity just like that! Which once was my T just saying caring things and paying full attention when I needed it. It's not a longing really, more like a memory how simple it once was, like how a mother calms down a child. I don't have much safe memories from my childhood, but I have these glimpses of remembering how it is possible, thanks to T. And even there I don't miss my T as a person, I don't even feel she could do that anymore as I am not as attentive or receptive to fixes like that anymore? Maybe I can even say that I grew up.

If wheeling overwhelmed I turn to adult ways to handle it. Talking to friends and spouse, selfcare or just letting it come and go. And I love the way of functioning this way, it feels safe and right. But that was a really interesting thing to think about, thank you Elio.

I was wondering about this too. When I think about having an equal friendship with T I feel positive because I can see how it will be, especially when I'm more in 'adult mode' and able to see T as an ordinary person who has faults like everyone else. I can see the possibilities and the strength I will have to walk away from the therapy relationship. But currently I feel like it will be a loss, something to grieve over, the loss of the space and the nurturing. I suspect it means that I'm not ready for the therapy to end and thankfully T is responsible in knowing I wouldn't be either. I suspect it won't feel like a big loss once I've done the work.

I wouldn't recommend being friends with a T either. It's generally frowned upon and with good reason, since there is so much scope for emotional harm. Both parties have to be extremely self aware and done the emotional work for it to even be doable. Even then, I think it could damage what has been done in therapy. I know it's different with me and my current T because of how we are as people, but it's a very rare thing. I wouldn't have entertained the possibility with any other T I've seen despite being extremely attached.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Elio

Did you ever have sadness/grief when noticing the longing feelings diminish? Mine are diminishing in various ways and different levels depending on everything going on. However, I can't tell if that is because of internal growth or because I am shutting down parts and pushing her out. And I miss the good feelings I felt when that longing was stronger. I don't miss the painful feelings when the longing was stronger. I miss how I felt about myself when I felt more in touch with that part of me. Now, so little in my life feels safe enough - which is why I feel like I am shutting down - pushing her out.

You know I told T these feelings I have for him are something I never experience before and have no frame of reference and I like what I feel. It is as if I found something that I was on a quest for and did not even know it. I found the golden chalice. I do not want to lose what I feel as there would be a big whole again that I just could not handle. I also do not like the strong overwhelming feelings that come with it. I just want to keep the warm fuzzy feelings.

We are doing parts work (IFS) and trying to get to this part but there is so much shame around it. My shame is huge for feeling what I feel towards him. Ugh. I only tell him half of what I deal with between sessions.

[elisewin]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I was wondering about this too. When I think about having an equal friendship with T I feel positive because I can see how it will be, especially when I'm more in 'adult mode' and able to see T as an ordinary person who has faults like everyone else. I can see the possibilities and the strength I will have to walk away from the therapy relationship. But currently I feel like it will be a loss, something to grieve over, the loss of the space and the nurturing. I suspect it means that I'm not ready for the therapy to end and thankfully T is responsible in knowing I wouldn't be either. I suspect it won't feel like a big loss once I've done the work.

I wouldn't recommend being friends with a T either. It's generally frowned upon and with good reason, since there is so much scope for emotional harm. Both parties have to be extremely self aware and done the emotional work for it to even be doable. Even then, I think it could damage what has been done in therapy. I know it's different with me and my current T because of how we are as people, but it's a very rare thing. I wouldn't have entertained the possibility with any other T I've seen despite being extremely attached.

My advice is not to think about it too much during the therapy. You need the therapy, right? If it is supposed to happen, it will happen afterwards. We never know what will happen in few years, as we don't even know what happens tomorrow. Now is now. I would have given the same advice to my old self as well to have less worry about the future

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Originally Posted by elisewin

My advice is not to think about it too much during the therapy. You need the therapy, right? If it is supposed to happen, it will happen afterwards. We never know what will happen in few years, as we don't even know what happens tomorrow. Now is now. I would have given the same advice to my old self as well to have less worry about the future

Yes you're totally right there. I actually don't really think about it much at all, it has just been something that has come up with T over the last few months about moving on after therapy. I do still need the therapy but I'm growing and coming to terms with a lot. It was only when I read the posts here that I was interested to read about your experience. But I agree, we can only be in the now and trust our own process in the moment.