I'm lost... I fell in love with an alcoholic.

I'll start with saying, a little over a year and a half ago - I went through a divorce. It was one of the most horrible things, and still is - as far as I'm concerned. I was completely blindsided by it, was left/divorced for another woman. Caught and Gone. No, I'm sorry - remorse - try to work it out - Nothing! We were "the perfect couple" as often described by family and friends. It came as a complete shock, and I honestly can't say I'll ever get over that. He was the love of my life, I can't even begin to describe how much I loved that man.

Fast forward through the grieving - which was one of the wildest roller coaster rides of my life. I swore to myself, I'd never date again - and that, I would in my heart - remain married to him, for eternity. No judge or piece of paper was going to determine that. He was my soul mate - and, no one was going to tell me otherwise. It was horrible. Thank God, I finally moved past that ridiculous unhealthy thought process, and accept the divorce and "moved on".

Which brings me to this part of the forum. After almost a year, I met someone. Not intentionally, but met him regardless. I thought he was funny, and he was certainly a gentleman. He wanted to exchange numbers, and I thought okay. We talked and talked - for hours and hours, for 2 weeks. It felt good to laugh, and share stories with another guy again. He eventually asked me to meet again, and I said - I wasn't sure.. I wanted to. Inside, I was scared. I finally agreed. He took me out to dinner, we had a wonderful time. He was a complete gentleman. Open my car door, when I went back to get in my car - he got out, and gave me a big warm hug - and then opened my car door. He said some really nice things about me, and the night. It was special. He called me when he got home, and Thanked me again for the wonderful time, and that he hoped we would go out again - very soon. Well... now, 8 months later... here we are. The difference is, he isn't the same guy - I first met. He had a secret, that he hid very well for many months. I don't know how, but he did. He is an alcoholic. I knew he had beers, but I didn't find that alarming... a lot of people have a beer or two when they go out. I thought nothing of it.

The problem is, I fell in love (again). Once that happened, the secret came out - he became less and less willing to "hide it" - and, before I know it - I have this drunk man in my life. He is always always drunk by the time 8-9pm or so rolls around. Not just once in awhile, always. He is definitely a high functioning alcoholic. As he is a hard worker, w/ a good job. But regardless, his personality and everything has changed. Now that I know, I can see the signs of his addiction. If he sleeps over, he wakes up completely sweaty, and his hands shake. He's going through withdrawals. He has horrible eating habits, and sleep habits. He's in denial. He has fallen, he falls into walls, he staggers when he walks and the worst is - he has Jeckyll & Hyde personality. Up and down he goes. He can be very emotionally mean, but has a really great way of turning it into my fault ... It's always always my fault. Because of the type of personality I am, I take the blame... I think it's because of my failed marriage, so I believe I have something wrong with me... and, I let this guy tell me that, and I believe him.

When he is sober - he is AWESOME. I absolutely love everything about him, he is sweet, kind, generous and hard working - has helped me out so much at my farm, and around the house. He never stops trying to please. BUT... that changes. It's really taking a lot out of me, dealing with him. But, it's not easy to leave him. He acts like he's going to leave me all the time, it's one of his favorite games to play... Because, he likes the attention of me saying, No don't. Sometimes, when I'm fed up - I say Fine - go. Only to later regret that, and either apologize or wait for him to contact me again, and then I let him back in my life.

I don't allow this behavior or drinking in front of my son. He only stays here when my son is with his Dad for the weekend. I'm smart enough as it is, to know I don't want my son seeing this behavior. But... at the same time, I'm finding it really really hard to let this guy go. I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone again. It was so very hard. I don't want to face that depression again. I really don't.

I'm going through so much right now, my Dad was just diagnosed with Cancer - and it's really taking a lot out of me, emotionally. My BF shows zero empathy, and infact tells me things like "Oh, good - now you have another problem to complain about".

It's just I don't know. I know I don't deserve that, but at the same time - I'm afraid to be alone again. I have very low-self esteem. Please help me know what to do.

Get out. I have to be that blunt because I wish that someone had been with me. I wasted almost 2 years with a barely functioning alcoholic. Addiction is selfish, narcissistic, devoid of empathy - not the addict but the addiction. Those that love the addict always see the "real" person underneath, the good, the potential, the wonderful person they are when they aren't acting out but who they are is the drunk. When in active addiction, the "real" person is the drunk/high person. I eventually felt like I was being cheated on with alcohol. My ex would stay sober for about 30 days and then drink, lie about it, keep on lying until I knew what was going on. It got harder to hide it, then it was "the phone died, that's why it went straight to voicemail" no, it was turned off because Jack Daniels was more important than everything else even me. I honestly felt like booze was "the other woman."

Every time things got good and the drinking stopped, I naively thought that it would stay good. I loaned him $1000 to buy a car so it would be easier to get to work, was never paid back of course. Every time he drank it was like my heart was breaking. Eventually I stopped trusting him, ever. I began to wonder if he was hooking up with women when he was drunk, he lied about the drinking why not lie about that too? They do wait until you are in love to show you how bad it really is, because by then you won't just walk away.

How it ended was that I just got slowly slowly slowly fed up. My emotional needs didn't matter, were rarely being met. Everything was always about him. ALWAYS. I started a brand new very important part of my career and we had different days off. He would stay up all night drinking and then call me, completely wasted, at 6am. I'd have to talk to him as I got ready and drove to work. He would repeat himself because he was too drunk to remember what he'd said, then he would argue with me when I pointed out he was saying the same things over and over again! I didn't even get to enjoy my new job that I'd worked so hard for. It couldn't ever be about me. Your boyfriend won't support you through your Dad's cancer, he can't but can't or won't it doesn't really matter. Relationships are about give and take, not about one person always giving and one person always taking. Even when I did finally end it for good I tried to take it back (I also have a fear of being alone) but he was sick of having to argue about his drinking. Now I am SO grateful it ended. I have a wonderful, loving, giving relationship with zero lies. Ironically it's with a recovering alcoholic but he was a year sober when we met. I hope and pray I never see him drunk.

You deserve someone who can give you the love and support that you give them. Being alone, as terrifying as it can be, is preferable to being miserable IMO.

This is so hard my love. I feel for you I really do. I once loved a man so much that when we lived together he told me to go to my parents because he planned on going on a date and was going to take her back to our apartment, (the home I made for us) and sleep with her. And I was totally and utterly accepting of that. I was beaten down completely so I KNOW I KNOW what its like to feel that you desperately need someone. The pain is just so much that we don't want to let go because we feel we NEED someone. We just NEED them.

Need them to feel complete. Need them to fill the void. Need them to escape the depression. Need them because we want to be loved so badly. Need them because we are not worth enough to be treated any better by anyone else.

Well. As an ex-alcoholic (111 days sober), it has to MY choice. He WILL NEVER STOP unless he feels that there is absolutely no way out. And I hate to say it but by calling him and apologizing and taking him back you are enabling him. We FEED off of the love of others who feel for us. We FEED and take and take and take till there is nothing left of our partners.

You have to make a choice. As someone who knows first hand what its like to feel like absolutely nothing and absolutely worthless AND an alcoholic I can tell you, you WILL survive this. Ultimately it your decision, but you can walk away. Life will show you. Life has been trying to show you with the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. You must let go. And be strong. Its is sooooo hard I know. Trust me I do. But I am here. We all are here.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk. I am here to listen.

first reason to get out, because he's an alcoholic and that, not a recovering one but in the midst of it. You have enough problems, emotional issues and have been through the ringer recently and need stability. He is not it.

second is what you've said in the quote.

being with someone because of reasons other than they are the one you want to be with is the wrong reason, period. whether it's because they are great in bed, have money or, in your case you just don't want to be alone, they are all the wrong reasons.

Being alone is not a curse, nor is it anything to be afraid of. In fact a person that cannot be happy alone is the person who should be working the hardest to learn to accept that and find joy, security and comfort without depending on anyone else for it. By doing so you will be more equipped to be happier in a relationship because as it is the only type of relationships you'll fall into are ones where you find yourself needing the other person to keep you from feeling lonely.

Please get out.

Alcoholism will DESTROY you.

And then it will destroy your son. (No being naive and thinking you can hide it from him forever.)

Need a reason to get out? YOUR SON!

I'm so surprised that alcoholism destroys the partner as well, it almost doesn't make sense - when you're the one not doing the drinking. It's all b/c of how they act.

Is that typical behavior what I've described... Blaming you for everything (and I do mean everything. The worst was, the other night. It was garbage night, and I had taken out the kitchen trash and put them in the outside cans. I hadn't yet put a new bag in the kitchen trash can. He started flying off the handle. F word was flying, "How f hard is it to f put in a new f bag?" Then started calling me lazy and all this other stuff. I said, I can't believe you're throwing a fit about this. I just took the trash out 10 minutes ago and forgot to put a new bag in. It's not a big deal. He said "F You - Just go sit down and be lazy" - and then he proceeded to put a bag in my trash can.

I was astounded, and knew right then... I don't want this. He's emotionally abusive. I was upset the rest of the night, and wouldn't talk to him, but to be honest - he wouldn't talk to me either, if he did - it was nastiness. I made him sleep on the couch. Now, he's royally mad at me... b/c I did that, and I feel bad now. Like, yeah I guess it was your fault - you made him sleep on the couch - that isn't fair. That's what I say to myself. But he really hurt my feelings, and reacted in a way that was insane. I was blown away. Unfortunately HIS son was there. Thank God, mine not... and, his son even said "Dad, it's just a garbage bag, and he walked away crying".... His son is only 8. His boy loves me, you can tell that. I feel for his son, I don't know what that must be like.

My question... especially to you Platinum Heart - since you were there once, and by the way Congrat's on the victory of being sober! GOOD GOOD for you! Keep up the awesome work. Did you have the jeckyll & hyde personality? If you did, were you aware of it then, or the next day when you were sober? Or did you truly believe, it was everyone elses fault - and never your own?

I'm trying to get into his mind a little... get an idea of what he thinks/knows. Does he KNOW he acts like this? And it's just all a play... Or does he truly believe it's me?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write to me. I do appreciate it more than you know. It's so hard, I am so so disappointed about this. Only my best friend knows what I'm dealing with - with him. However, she is a big social drinker, probably on verge of alcoholism herself - but, I don't think ever to that point. So, she only gets it a little bit.

My family... I haven't told. They all think he's this great guy, the same guy I thought originally. They're so happy for me... I was happy for me. It's so so sad. I can't believe I'm in this position, and why am I even sad when he's so nasty?

Not every alcoholic is abusive, no. My ex was selfish but it was more like demanding time/attention. Once called every five minutes knowing I was at a FUNERAL. Left crying voicemails, "I need you, how can you be this way? Why won't you pick up?" Um, turned the ringer off because I was at a funeral!! Alcohol lowers inhibitions so it's harder to pretend. On some level he thinks you're lazy. Hyde is who he really is, and the important thing to remember is that even if he does get and stay sober he won't become the guy he pretended to be when you first met, he will be a third, different guy.

Sometimes people black out and in blackouts what happens is that your brain stops saving short term information. Kind of like amnesia. But he knows he acts like that, even if he blacks out and forgets specifics, he will remember everything leading up to the blackout. Plus he probably has exes who have gone through the same thing and told him how he acts, so it's no surprise to him. Some addicts hate themselves and they can't respect you because you love them when they act so horribly. Not saying that's how he is but it is a possibility. You already know what you need to do, you said it:

Quote:

I was astounded, and knew right then... I don't want this. He's emotionally abusive.

Another thing to keep in mind is that if he gets sober it doesn't just resolve itself when he stops drinking. I have seen many relationships and marriages fail AFTER sobriety. (My boyfriend is very active in AA, 2 out of 3 of his sponsees have divorced after periods of sobriety.) I hope this helps some. He is not a bad person, he just needs help but that does not mean you need to stick around until he admits that - if he ever does.

Meant to say - consider going to Al Anon. Find a Meeting It helped me SO MUCH. It was hard to because I am not big on groups and did not want to talk about what was going on. I don't trust people easily. I just sat the first few meetings, they don't make you talk. People were saying stuff that I thought and had NEVER said aloud. Al Anon changed my life for the better.

My mother was an alcoholic with a Jekyll and Hyde personality. When she started to drink I stayed as far away as I could.

Are you going to allow this guy to tell your son "How f hard is it to f put in a new f bag?" And then start to call your son lazy and all this other stuff.

No, I'm not going to allow any of that - especially to my son, but not going to put up with it myself either. I "broke" up with him yesterday. He's handling it not well, he texted me late last night asking if his son could call and say Goodnight. Which he hasn't asked that in months and months. I told him, "Tell him goodnight, but phone calls aren't a good idea". Then I got a text this morning saying "Can I call you sweetheart?" I told him No. He's apologizing, and everything else.

This is hard for me... but, I know I need to do it.

Good job Cats4!

Hang in there! You deserve better.

Specifically, you deserve better than someone who, on top of his drinking, emotional abuse, and everything else, uses his child to his attempt to sway you.

Stay strong!!!! It sucks to have to do something that you don't really want to do but you know is the right thing. He will try different things to get you to budge, like using his son to manipulate you, but you can stand strong no matter what he does.

I think you know what your options are. Keep in mind that this isn't just about you. Your son is going to be affected, sooner or later, by your relationship with this man. It's not going to be positive.

It's hard to face loneliness. I lived for 7 years with a man who was coming home drunk every second night. Finally, I left and moved into a place of my own. I thought it would be awful. Within two weeks. I was so happy with my decision.

Your real problem is that you need to have more going on in your own life to get you connected to the world outside your home. I was lucky in that I had gone back to school. I was getting to know classmates and I think that made me feel connected. If you have other people to be involved with, this new man will seem less important. Being involved with him will actually get in the way of you finding healthier relationships. (I'll bet he likes the two of you to be alone together.) Everyone has faults. Alcohol abuse isn't just a fault like any other fault. Nothing sensible can go on while you're with someone who is drunk.

Here's an option you might consider. When I left my guy, I told him that I was still his friend who loved him, but I would absolutely not allow him to be around me when he was drinking. And that's what I did. I saw him now and then when he was sober. A year later he ended up in a major health crisis and decided to stop drinking. It was all his own decision. We are still friends.

Alanon helped me. I learned that it is not my business or my right or my obligation to try and change another person. It took years to really get that. Once I did, I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. Before that, I had been trying to "save" him. I learned that my business is to save me.

Hi everyone, I wanted to give an update on things. I'm really really struggling today, and I thank god - I have an appt with my therapist tonight, b/c if I didn't - I'm not sure what I would do - other than be here, nagging you all.

My plan was to break up with him this weekend. However, something came up and I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of that - and breaking up with this jerk. So, sunday rolls around... and, we were together. I know, I know. Bad. But... remember, my anxiety and stress are high anyway and I thought I was doing the right thing, by not adding more. So, here's what happened.

We woke up, and it went from ok - to bad - to horrible in seconds. I forget the comment he made, but it was inconsiderate - rude and I wasn't going to listen to it. So, I told him "You need to start being respectful or I'm not going to put up with this. In fact, I think I'm already done putting up with it". He said "Fine.. I'm leaving....text me later" and he got up, got dressed and walked out the door. I laid there stunned for a minute, then thought forget him - I'm not texting him later. I'll text him now. So, I did. I texted him "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in continuing this relationship. You aren't right for me, I'm not right for you, and it's just too hard. Please don't contact me again. I'm sorry if you consider this a cheap way of doing things, but - it was also cheap of you to say what you said to me, and then up and walk out of my house in the manner you did"

Of course my son is gone. But... I spent basically the rest of the day - crying, I cried and I cried and I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I regretted what I did, I felt like I need to text him back and apologize, I so bad wanted to call or text him and tell him nevermind. I don't know why. I truly don't know why.

Well, I got a text from him later. Telling me. "I'm moving on, we're done... thank you for teaching me, and I'll give you the credit when the time is right. I haven't had a drink all day, and I don't know if I will ever again, but maybe I will - who knows. As it stands now, I'm done. I'm going back to the way life was before I met you, worrying only about myself and my son." Then he threw in some nasty comments. Called me a bunch of names, emotionally painful things.

I haven't heard from him since. So, it's kind of like... now I'm even doubly hurt b/c not only did I end the relationship, he confirmed it with wanting the same thing. So, it's doubly hard. He called me things I've never been called. Lazy, Liar, Selfish. He said I went onto his FB account and did something, I don't know what he's even talking about what I did, but first of all - I NEVER went onto his FB account, even if I wanted to - I don't know is password. Told me, that I betrayed him just like his ex-wife did and all this other stuff.

I just don't understand. But it's very very painful. Why am I mourning over someone like this? Please tell me again, it's a good thing he's out of my life, and I have no place for someone like that. I have such a low- self esteem, I feel like no one else will want me, except someone like him. That's how I feel right now.

I think part of what is bothering me is, great - now that I finally broke up with him, he's going to quit drinking and he's going to magically turn back into the guy he was when I first met him. Or maybe this is what he wants me to think. But, my mind is playing tricks with me. I don't mean this to sound like, I hope he doesn't stop drinking - b/c I DO hope he does, for himself and his child. I really do, I will pray for him and his son. They were a part of my life for a decent amount of time, I do care about them.

I don't know... I just don't want my son seeing this, and I'm afraid it wouldn't of stopped. He knew how to tear me down like no body's business. He calls me things I've never been called... He started making fun of me yesterday for needing "medicine" to be normal. Told me I "need help, I'm not right". Just making me feel like a complete no good, for having to take medicine to control my anxiety.

It worked. Now, that he isn't trying to contact me, I feel even worse - like, I was the bad one. Like I was the crazy nuts one. Again, just like when my ex left... no turning back, no I'm sorry for hurting you, no nothing. Not that I want someone knocking my doors down, I just wanted to be loved and feel loved... and, I don't.

(My ex left me for another woman, and filed for divorce a couple months later - in case I didn't say that earlier)

First of all you are worth so much more. To answer your other question to me from earlier, "yes I did turn into Jekyl and Hyde when I was drinking" but you know there were underlying issues. They were feelings I TRULY felt but was too afraid to say but NOT afraid to say when I was drinking.

Which MEANS he REALLY meant those things. Its just my opinion after all. but by breaking you down, calling you these things, being rude, disrespectful and mean aren't really alcoholic traits. Some alcoholics get really depressed and some get really happy and need to feel that high all the time.

I guess the point I am trying to make is, he sounds just mean. No one deserves that. I know it hurts, it really does. I can tell the hurt from your words. I understand your pain I really do. I give you A LOT of credit for standing up for yourself, even if you feel like taking it back after the fact. You know he was bad for you. You know you deserve better, deep in your heart.

Please tale good care of yourself and have a good session tonight

FWIW, he will drink again. The comment was just spiteful, like his other comments. We mourn unhealthy relationships just like we do "good" ones. It's just that with the unhealthy ones we often have to mourn what could have/should have been, or what we wish it would have been. Sometimes that's harder than mourning what you actually have - what you wanted with who you thought he was and who he could have been if he had just stopped drinking.

Bingo! He's not going to stay sober out of spite, he just wants to make you doubt yourself. I still encourage you to go to Al Anon. You'll be surprised how much of what you think, feel, and fear is very common to partners of alcoholics/addicts.

Sometimes lonliness can feel so bad that a bad relationship feels better than no relationship. You'll have to decide which is worse.

He is who he is. His bad behaviour isn't all due to drinking. He's very immature. What other options do you have for being socially involved with others. It sounds like he became valuable to you because, without him, you are too much alone. Make yourself less dependent on him for emotional warmth.

If your therapist has become the closest thing to a good friend in your life, then that is your biggest problem. We all need other people . . . not just one romantic interest who becomes everything to us. There needs to be more deposits into our emotional bank account. Your account may be low, so he becomes excessively important to you.

Thank you all for saying this. The part that worries me is, a drunk speaks the truth. I've heard that before. So when you say, he really MEANS those things... When he calls me selfish and a liar and all these things - he really means that, he thinks I am those things?

I've never in my life before this man, been called either one of those things. I take pride in NOT being a liar. I always have, I'm one of the most outspoken people there are. If I have to lie to save someones feelings, I will. For example, do you like my shirt? No. But, I'm not going to say No... I'll say something like "It looks great on you" or something, b/c I'm not saying, No I don't like it - but I'm paying them a compliment for something they obviously LIKE. Does that make sense? I'm not a liar. I'm certainly not selfish either. Of course the things he tells me I lie about, are when I speak of what he does and how he behaves.

Yes, I'm a very lonely person. I have low-self esteem. I have a couple friends, but they are busy in their own lives... so it's not like we spend a lot of time together. One of my friends, we tend to get together often enough - try weekly, but sometimes not. My family is going through their own hardships right now. So, I keep my distance, and come as needed or offer to help how I can every day.

He texted me about 4 hours ago - asking something stupid, he already knows the answer to - knows it better than I know it probably. I ignored him. I've yet to hear back. I think this is how I'm going to have to do it. I want him to once and for all know he hurt me and I'm done. I just don't know how.

I'm looking for Al Anon groups tonight. My therapist suggested same thing today. I was excited I knew what he was talking about. I said, yes - But, I think I'm already done with this guy. I'm pretty sure I am. He said, yeah but he did enough damage already to wear off on you. Whatever that meant.

I've been married to a drunk for 19 years... Get. Out. Now.

I very much doubt this saying. My mother NEVER spoke the truth when she was drunk. She just spoke hurtfully.

I think perhaps what this means is that the age-old excuse "I didn't mean it, I was drunk" is a lie. A better saying might be something like "A person shows you who they really are when they are drunk." Alcohol lowers inhibitions, and we do say/do things that we think but would never say/do sober. That doesn't make any of those things true.

Cats4, probably he would think that anyone is selfish because they are not catering to his every whim 24/7 and they will also make decisions based on what is good and healthy for them sometimes. It's probably not personal, he likely sees everyone he's ever been close to as a liar and selfish. I'm betting that he does this with everyone he dates, if it wasn't you it would be the next unsuspecting person who falls for his act.

Try to find something you can be involved in that gets you out of the house, even just once a week. You need to build up more skills for connecting with others. Take a ceramics class or anything you can think of. This man became too important because he was like all you had. This problen is going to cone up again. And men you meet will sense that your lonely. That causes you to attract the wrong kind of guys . . . guys who figure you'll put up with a lot.

As far as drunks meaning what they say. In one sense a drunk is unreliable. They don't make accurate assessments of people. They can sing the praises of some jerk who they got along with for an hour at the bar. They will badmouth the person nicest to them. But, in one way, he is telling you the truth, in that he is telling you that your feelings aren't very important to him. That you can believe.

While you're involved with this loser, you may be missing out on meeting someone nice. It sounds like you are still young enough to have another important relationship. But you don't have time to waste on someone who'll never be much if a partner. You'ld be better off to join a dating site and take your chances there. You can't do much worse than this guy. You also need female friends in your life. Also, look for things you can do with your son that get you out around others.