Emotional Abuse/Gaslighting (Venting & Advice Pls?)

I am seeking advice on how to deal with a breakup. This was my first relationship and it was everything that I tried to avoid. I am not sure where to go from here. I welcome any advice or if you have a similar experience, please share.

I apologize for the long post in advance.


I just left an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who gaslights and who shows traits for being a narcissist or sociopath.

We met through a mutual friend and we started seeing each other last year. Things were great in the beginning. He would take me to nice restaurants and seem like a kind and smart gentleman. About a month later, he became a completely different person. He went from being an intelligent and reserved man to an angry hot-head. At first, I thought he was going through something in his personal life so I didn't question him too much about it and thought it would pass and he would return to being kind again. But I was wrong....

He soon told me that he has anger problems and that he likes to win arguments no matter what. Although this came up as a red flag, I didn't think it would be too much of a concern for me. I figured since I am someone that keeps my anger to a minimum and I'd rather find a solution to a problem instead of being 'right,' there shouldn't be an issue between us. I was wrong about that too...

Every time I saw him in person or spoke to him over the phone, he would become angry and would want to pick fights with me. I thought it was pretty random since his attitude would change in a split second over the smallest things. I first tried talking to him calmly (knowing that he has anger issue), and to let him know that I am on his side and that whatever I said to make him upset wasn't my intention. This never worked, his anger would increase and would yell and blame me until I would cry. If I went along with his accusations and apologize, he would calm down a little bit but continue to tell me how stupid I was. It was like walking on eggshells around him, I never knew when he would start yelling at me. I started to keep quiet and only speak when if he asked me a question. This worked for a little bit.

We got to a point where I was able to tell him my concerns. I let him know that I get nervous around him, how his anger makes me feel, that he talks down on me often. He gave a reluctant apology something like, "I am sorry if I ever said anything to hurt your feelings." He encouraged me to speak up more and to let him know if something was on my mind. I thought we were making progress, but it was a trap. He started to accuse me of being someone that was angry, argumentative, has a lack of empathy, manipulative, lying, never wanted to let things go. These are all traits that describe him. He would project them on me when I would try to find a solution to a problem he wanted to argue about, but it never worked because he was focused on 'winning.'

With everything escalating, I decided to speak to my counselor about what has been happening. She informed me that what I was experiencing was an emotionally abusive relationship. After looking online to read more about it, I came across a term called 'gaslight.' This is when a person acts in a way to manipulate someone by performing psychological and emotional abuse. I have countless stories of this man for each trait for gaslighting me. This brought clarity and understanding to his bizarre and illogical behavior.

I ended things with him recently. I didn't tell him the reason is his manipulative behavior. At the time, he was complaining to me about something and I agreed to take the blame and told him that we shouldn't be friends anymore and that he deserves someone better. With his personality and from multiple accounts online, it is unlikely that he would come to an understanding of why I find his behavior disturbing. And he would also not take responsibility for his actions.

Has anyone ever dealt with a gaslighter or some who is emotionally abusive? What are some things that made you move on and grow?

The sheer intentional abusive behavior would make me leave in a hurry.

Yes, I encourage if anyone is experiencing anything like this, just leave. Follow what your gut says, I wish I sure did.

It was so subtle in the beginning, especially since he told me that he gets angry a lot. At first, I really did believe it was all on me. No matter how casual the conversation was, I thought it had to be something I said why he would become furious in a split second. After doing research on gaslighters, you cannot confront them. They do not want to understand your thoughts. I thought if I tried communicating with him more and more, he would reach a moment where he would say, "ohhhh, I see what she is saying now," but it never once happened.

I wish for you to be well, BlackCat13, and empathize with you tremendously.

I say the following with humility and based on extensive research, reflections, attempts at learning and more. I dated someone, who turned out to be emotionally, psychologically and financially manipulative, abusive and using. Moreover, the behavior of the person highly resembles the behavior of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Sociopathic (I am guessing Sociopathic and not Psychopathic) tendencies. Depending upon according to whom, the aforesaid description is the definition for Malignant Narcissism behavior.

Even though the following portion of this statement seems like an exaggeration and does not necessarily convey the severity, this person destroyed me and my life. She engaged in gaslighting in addition to numerous other psychological, emotional abuse, manipulation and use.

It is difficult for me to judge, especially since this is still unfolding, but I think that research has helped. At the very least, it elucidates upon the history, behavior and more with this person, me, our relationship and so on.


As you are probably aware, highly abusive and manipulative people do not mainly reveal that they are abusive, manipulative and so forth to the other in the beginning of interrelations. Although, in the beginning, the person might still disclose that s/he is abusive, of a personality disorder and/or other aspects because s/he will make a mistake in disclosing such behavior, not be conscious of consciously revealing her behavior as "abusive," of a "personality disorder" (and more,) s/he judges that the other will not notice such aspects and/or other possible explanations, the person will (consciously) attempt to limit the disclosure of his/her behavior. When the other becomes in love, when the relationship reaches a point of deep attachment, dependency, when the other is conditioned to become dependent and/or other circumstances, the person then starts to reveal himself/herself and how she was prior to that point in history as a facade.


Abuse, manipulation and using someone in the aforesaid circumstances is insidious. The other hardly is conscious that the person is slowly, but efficiently and effectively conditioning him/her through (e.g. psychological, emotional and other forms of) abuse, manipulation and use.

Anyone can be abused, even the people, who claim that they "would not tolerate" abuse. There are multiple factors that concerns both people separately that leads to abuse to be executed. It's not so simplistic as some people claim it is.

Thank you so much Crushed_Soul!

This is exactly it!!

I am so sorry you have gone through this ordeal. I believe you when you say how your life was ruined by her actions. This is what they do, intentionally or not.

I am still reading about this online and finding more stories of people's experiences with friends, family, partners who are manipulative gaslighters. I have developed anxiety thinking if this has happened to me before without knowing or if it will happen again in the future.

Yes, in the beginning, he would reveal hints but usually in a joking way where he would laugh. There were times he would tell me that there was something wrong with himself but he would list insecurities, like not being good enough. So it was all very well masked. I wish I could've picked up on it sooner. I tried so hard to talk to him, to communicate. But it never ever worked. I developed a desire for him to understand me (even for simple benign convos). I believed he noticed this because he mentioned one day that he thinks he could get me to try ecstasy with him. Being in shock about what he thought he could do, I profusely rejected his notion. I do not do drugs nor have a desire to. But this goes to show the level of manipulation he wants to reach.

I have countless stories of where he tries to change my reality, make me question myself and thoughts. I am glad I was able to end things, I wish I could confront him and let him know that I know the truth. I am convinced that he knows he is a gaslighter because he would constantly self project those traits on me. He also once told me that I tried to gaslight him. At the time I had no idea what that was, I thought it was an expression like, "adding fuel to the fire." But it stuck with me. Deep down I knew I wasn't crazy, no matter how many times I would end up in a fetal position crying on the floor. There is a reason for this illogical and confusing behavior.

To answer your questions, yes, I have dealt with several emotional abusers and gaslighters.

What helped me to move on and grow was to learn how to identify, pay attention to, and not dismiss, ignore or excuse the red flags I noticed. I have let the behaviors play themselves out too in the past. Like, oh, that's a red flag, but I'll see how this unfolds still. Once you see a red flag though, that's the moment to back off emotionally (and physically), observe and to be cautious and wary, if you are still moving forward. Then the moment you see it arise in their behavior is the moment to walk away, right from the start.

That's what I've learned from my experience. You can learn from this experience and learn how to identify the red flags of emotional/verbal/psychological abusers so you don't have to repeat similar relationships over and over, like I did.

Kudos to you for getting to a counselor, for getting out and for saving yourself from further misery, self-doubt, and degradation!

Please, do not mention it. I am empathetic and just merely responding to your thread and attempting to be supportive and helpful as how ever I might be.

A many thanks for your empathy. Yeah, I could divulge more about the destruction of me and my life, but you might have already found articles about such stories and elaborations of such statements.

Just to quickly add to your claim about "what they do," the question of whether or not a person is conscious of his/her conscious actions, behavior, decisions and more is one that is still debated, even for those who work as professionals in such fields. Additionally, it is a subjective topic (not that you are not aware of such info.)

I try to judge individually, whether the content is a person, action and so on. In the case of my ex girlfriend and to oversimplify, but, unfortunately, distort some of the following claims as a result, I think that she was indeed aware of how she was as in manipulative, abusive, using, hurting and more, how I was being hurt, manipulated and so forth, depending upon the circumstances.


Again, as you are probably aware, someone might gaslight and not be of a personality disorder or abusive in general on a consistent basis. S/he might gaslight and nothing else, but if someone is gaslighting, it is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Additionally, in the circumstances of emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior, humor serves as a pretense to degrade and belittle the other. The interaction might seem like humor, but it is disguised as humor to hurt the other and corrode him/her, his/her security (if s/he has any) and more to control and condition him/her.

If I may say the following, based on your second to last paragraph, he seems to have possibly contorted his appearance with you according to how he was interpreting you, your behavior, your interests, how you find others appealing (e.g. qualities) and more. Moreover, he pretended to appear how he interpreted how you are attracted to others and continued doing so as you two continued to familiarize yourselves with one another.

I wish for no person to be abused as you described and wish that I could console you. These topics are indeed complex and complicated. You've indicated that he did not just gaslight you, but that he projected as well. Also, he seems to have shifted the blame and denial of responsibility according to what you wrote.


The questions of whether not such behavior is learned (which it seems to be,) if a person is conscious of his/her conscious behavior (as in being aware,) is merely behaving "on autopilot" (on his/her learned behavior,) the extent of self deception and denial (as in s/he denies the behavior so much that s/he reaches a level that s/he is no longer conscious of it,) and others are still questions that are currently being asked, investigated and constantly edited in responses.

Thank you for sharing, I am sorry you went through this too.

I would also let his behvior "play out" to think that the outcome won't be that bad, but it always was. I am going to do everything in my power to trust my gut when I see those red flags. I blamed myself for the ways he was because I waited too long to speak back. I thought that's why he would think it was ok to treat me so badly.

BlackCat, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you had that experience. I am glad you broke up with him.

Ironically I always feel like I can give advice but can’t take it myself. Im experiencing something incredibly similar right now. I applaud your strength and bravery . My therapist has explained that abusers truly can’t understand what they are doing. (My psychiatrist is also my husbands psychiatrist). My husband is narcissistic and manic. Gaslighting is his go-to. It makes him feel better and our doctor explained that most narcissists actually choose who they are in relationships based on how intelligent they find them. Let that sink in for a minute. It took me a while before I even believed my doctor when he said that. He explained that for narcissists in particular, they feed off of control, and by controlling a person they view as intelligent, it makes them feel even better about themselves. While that doesn’t change the actual abuse, it has allowed me to stop blaming myself for what has happened. I know my husband can’t control it and he doesn’t want to. You took that step to leave and I admire you!

Thank you for your insightful reply! Yes for my ex, I believe there were times he knew what he was doing and other times he didn't. He mentioned that he lied his way out of counseling as a young teenager because "they were easy to manipulate". And that he can get people to do whatever he wanted. I took it as him bragging about himself since he was on the nerdy side and had insecurities who he was as a man and wanted to feel superior.

Is this the way you are describing it?

I never considered this possibility. He once made a joke about the pot he had smoked was so god that he would develop a severe mental disorder. This was just hours before revealing to him that my father suffered from one. After I confronted him about it, he denied the whole thing and said that I was lying and wanted to pick a fight with him. His "jokes" were always dry and usually came from a place of either jealousy or insecurity that he had. Such as accusing me of exchanging numbers with random men or sleeping with them. I could never say anything because it was a "joke."

He had rules and boundaries that I had to follow for him, but nothing was off limits when it came to me.

Yes, that is exactly what he did. Before I ever considered that might be trying to manipulate me, I asked him why was he always mean to me when he was kind before. While laughing he responded that he was nice so that I would give him my virginity and that all men are like this. I wasn't expecting this to be his response given that I confided in him that I was sexually abused as a child.

Thank you for your support, it is much appreciated!

Again, do not mention it. It might not be insightful, but I try to think about how to respond, what to write and to convey insight if there is any that I might convey.

Haha, I mean, it is indeed possible that my ex girlfriend (I suppose, even your ex as well) that she was aware of what she was doing and how she was in each instance. (After all, there are people, who are so manipulative and on such a high levels of narcissism, sociopathy/psychopathy, and Machiavellianism that they deceive people in general, including those, who are trained professionals.) More specifically, she was conscious of each and every form of abuse, when she engaged in abuse, what actions are "defined" as abuse and more. Quite simply, her consciousness may have been as "I am abusing him. I am manipulating him. I am harming him. I am destroying him. I do not care." Furthermore, such claims are premises to why someone has an appearance (what some might call a "mask") and hides how s/he is. It is not simply because someone is "conditioned" to be like that, but rather continual choice and consciousness of those choices, behaviors and so on.

Now, the aforesaid description might seem extreme, but as you seem to be somewhat expressing, what we are discussing is extremely complex. Withat that said, there do seem to be instances of when a person is conscious of his/her behavior, not necessarily conscious of it as "abusive," but the person is aware that the other is hurting, s/he (might be) the source of hurt, yet s/he lacks empathy and other possibilities.



I apologize. I do not think that I understand your question and am trying to not misinterpret.

Although what we are discussing is subjective, your depictions of his attempts at humor do not seem like humor, but rather they are attempts to control you through degradation and humiliation disguised as humor. Consequently, you might be confused and question his "jokes" inside your head and do not quite understand why he is "joking" about the content that he is. As you already indicated, he gaslighted you about the pot "joke," then shifted the blame onto you, projected his actions and behavior onto you and tried to convince you of invented guilt.

My ex girlfriend told me in the early stages of our history that she did not try to be funny because she was "terrible at it" (or some explanation like that.) I found her perspective and statement somewhat odd in my humble opinion for several reasons (which I'll omit for sake of time/reading.) With that said, even from the first few days of meeting her, her "humor" in general towards me when I was the focus of her jokes was not "humor," but rather degradation and humiliation. After our discussion about sarcasm, she seemed to consciously try more to be humorous in general, which she was, but she still continued to employ humor as a pretense for corroding me, my security and so forth as well.

Evidently, for him, you were held to rigid standards while, for him, he was not held to any standards. My ex girlfriend was like that to an extreme degree with me as well. (The aforementioned aspects of "humor" and "standards" are often associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)



Your paragraph reads like he was testing you, pushing your boundaries, studying you (your behavior, interests and so on,) finding any insecurities, trauma in order to hurt you, control you and more as he was disclosing his possible intentions/objectives to you through the pretense of humor to deceive you as if those were not his objectives/intentions. In other words, he was telling you what he was doing/how he was behaving, but "playing it off" like that was not what he was doing and how he was behaving. (Again, this is another aspect that is associated with NPD.)

Your input has been helpful because this all very new to me.

I noticed this "mask" when we were around his friends or in public where he had to talk to someone (ie waitress). He was happy, calm, would make jokes, be polite. I always found comfort when other people were around so that he wouldn't become angry. Generally speaking, he would not lash out to those that actually caused problems for him, but take it out on me when we were in his car leaving or at his house. I have wondered about his interactions with others. If bothered, he would either not say anything to his friends or he would do so in a passive way. However, if he were to retell the story to me, he would make it seem like he told off his friends in an aggressive way where he made demands.

Interestingly enough, he told me of a time where he became angry about where his family was seated at a restaurant. He didn't say anything to the waiter but became loud and made his family uncomfortable. I'm guessing since they are his family, this was nothing new to them and he felt comfortable with them. But he did apologize for embarrassing them and he told me he was ashamed because he didn't know what he became that angry. For him, nothing compares to the value his family and their success, he wants to be just like them, wealthy.

He had mentioned to me that he is a "master of conversation," but this was while we were discussing job interview techniques.


When we discussed his anger, I told me how it made me feel. He said that what I described was emotional abuse and that I put up with a lot. Since I still wanted to talk to him, I didn't focus on that because I thought since he recognized it he would simply stop. But it is true that describing something as emotional abuse is different from admitting. He would constantly tell me that I lacked empathy no matter how many times I told him that I'm trying to understand his perspective. I was hoping he would do the same for me, but never happened.

I was asking if the examples I gave matched the way you described gaslighters using humor, "jokes" where the other person is the subject of it to be ridiculed.

My ex did this as well. In the beginning, he would question why I would laugh and that I was weird. I am interested in hearing about your experiences if you don't mind sharing.

This gave me chills. But it is the reality. He would always say things like, "I don't like girl who do..." or "I like girls that..." This was to let me know about his preferences. He made sure to always cross my boundaries. Even throwing fits of rage for him to get his way.

Once in a blue moon, he would own up to his actions but still accuse me of the same. I called him once and asked why was he ignoring my messages. He laughed and said he wanted to relax. But if I didn't answer his calls, he would accuse me of ignoring him. Even if my phone was in the other room, or if I was busy cleaning, he would still stick with me ignoring him and causing problems instead of there being a "missed" call.

Well, I do immensely appreciate your kind words and this chat with you.



Ah, so, around others in general, his facade was how people might interpret as appealing, yet when he was around you and only you, he was starkly different from his facade. In case you might not be aware, there is a term called, "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" which consists of behavior like we are discussing. It is also associated with NPD. He seems to be most concerned about his appearance to others as in portraying himself favorably so that others would perceive him as stereotypical appealing qualities (e.g. nice, kind.)

The projected self (appearance) is how the person tries, wants, chooses to appear, but s/he is conscious that s/he is not like that and is abusive, manipulative and more, yet s/he tries to convince himself/herself that she is and tries to increase the convincing to herself/himself through trying to convince others that his/her appearance is how s/he is.

Evidently, you were the target of his projections and more.




If they enable him and his behavior, whether they are conscious of consciously enabling his behavior, their actions might be an example of "flying monkeys." It is when people enable the person of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and sometimes more such as engage in smear campaigns against the victim and more.) Even if they are not acting as flying monkeys, they still seemingly enable his behavior.



Apparently, there is such a term of behavior called, "impression management." People, who who are (extremely) manipulative and have appearances (of a projected self) (and whether they are of NPD or not) tend to be (how ever highly) effective in "impression management." Moreover, they are constantly attempt to learn and enhance how they initially appear to people and how people initially perceive them. Job interviews are examples of impression management. Likewise, people as we've just described will use impression management in interviews and typically "do well" in them.





I might be misunderstanding what you wrote in which case I apologize. From what I read in your text, he was admitting that he was emotionally abusive towards you? As we've dialogued, his acknowledgment seemingly confirms that he was conscious of emotionally abusing you, yet he did not stop and care (if care is accurate.) Evidently, he lacked empathy towards you, then projected his lack of empathy unto you as if you were to have lacked empathy, projected his blame unto you (shifting the blame) as if you were to blame for lacking empathy and projecting his guilt unto you as he tried to convince you that you were guilty for lacking empathy.





Much obliged for the explanation. Indeed, what you wrote seems to consist of what we were describing.



Geez, he was belittling you for laughing? That is horrible and excessive, but no surprise. Well, in general, I would be very sarcastic and silly because that is how I chose to be. I did not choose to be sarcastic and silly for the sake of others. With that said, she seemed to like such behavior, yet when she "tried" to be funny with me as the focus of her "jokes," she would belittle my physical appearance (e.g. my hair, clothing and more.) As I previously noted, she would also indeed be funny, but there is a distinct difference between humor and the pretense of humor to degrade and humiliate someone.

For a while, I did not care because I chose to not care about the opinions of others, but this was someone about whom I cared and for whom I was emotionally attached. I also would ask myself why she was using such content (as in me) for attempts at humor. I would not make fun of her as in degrade and humiliate her.



He seemed to be grooming and conditioning you to how he wanted you to be, perhaps, according to his mental image of an "ideal, perfect" woman. My ex groomed and conditioned me in similar circumstances as well.



Again, his "standard" for you that he dictated while, for him, there was no standard. Additionally, he engaged in the silent treatment from what you just wrote. That is another form of emotional and psychological abuse. Dictation and control are main aspects among others in NPD relationships and abusive relationships in general. It is possible that he apologized when the appearance of an apology was a means for him to achieve an objective. Meaning, he faked an apology to continue controlling you and more while appearing to be apologetic, take responsibility, change and other possibilities.

One other thing I've learned: Never ever ever blame yourself for someone else's poor behavior towards you. That is very common for the victims of abuse: to blame themselves. You are not responsible, he is FULLY. You deserved to be treated with respect, and when respect goes out the window like it did with him, it's all on him..... you didn't do anything to deserve it, nor does anyone. Just because you didn't speak up soon enough does NOT give him license to treat you poorly. You didn't deserve any of it.

That's wonderful advice Eve. That helps me too. (((((BlackCat)))))

I am still looking into NPD and finding more information. Yes, he would switch himself like, "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde." He has a desire to make friends and to be liked by them. But at the same time, he views those around him as stupid or inferior. He has mentioned to me that he is not normal. On the occasion, he would say that he finds it difficult to relate to people. I thought he was focusing on his anger problems, not these other parts of himself that I am now understanding.

When he described his father, he seemed to be a no-nonsense type of man that demands his way only. My ex told me that he speaks to both his parents every day. But this is not true, his mother calls him but his father rarely does. However, he respects his father and wants to achieve his same level of success (being a multimillionaire). In his eyes, his father is perfect regardless that he also has very short patience, experiences memory loss (could be from old age), lack of physical affection (does not hug his children or kiss his wife), irrational anger (while at a restaurant, his father yelled at nearby guests to stop smoking but they were in an area where it was ok to do so). He also does not want to disappoint his father and hides things that he is embarrassed about (getting caught by the law for selling drugs, he told me that he was bored and doesn't know why he did it because he didn't need the money).

I witnessed him yelling and being disrespectful towards his mother on the phone once over a minor issue. She remained calm and tried to reassure him that she will help. That's when I got the impression that he was like a bratty child. If something is wrong, he goes to his mother and demands that she can fix it (like when he got into a car accident she had to be the one making the calls to the insurance agencies, although he has been in multiple ones in the past). He constantly tells me that his mother is his queen and no one goes before his parents (he attributes much of this to both of his mother's and father's success and wealth, not their love and affection).

If we were out in public together, he usually pushed me into the role of his mother by way of his anger. He would become agitated and annoyed because we were in public (he does not like crowds because it feels like everyone is looking at him) although he was the one that wanted to go there (mall, restaurant, movies).

He does not get along with his sister but respects her because she has a high paying job and seems to be on the same path of success of their parents. He disagrees with everything else about her.

Once and a while he would say that his family is messed up and has a lot of problems that still continue into today. I didn't think hard on this since every family has their own issues. In the same breath, he will say they are perfect and that I want to date him to be part of his perfect family (not true).

When I described how he made me feel, he responded that it sounded like emotional abuse. I did not take it as him admitting to it because there was no apology or changed behavior. So I assumed that he didn't quite understand what he was doing. But I could be wrong, his actions and words were oftentimes confusing to me.

Yes, this is exactly what it was like. It got the point where he would tell me that what I was either laughing about or making a joke about was completely stupid and not funny. Since he never understood my humor, I tried to joke in the same mean way as him. I made jokes about him getting calls and texts from girls, but this only infuriated him and prompted him to speak down on me.

This was a regular occurrence. I wouldn't confront him about it because he would yell at me. But there were these hidden rules that I had to abide by. Ex: His statements were accepted facts, while anything he disagreed on with me was complete stupidity and illogical. This is when he would try to change my reality and make it seem like my memory could not be trusted.
I always thought the silent treatment wasn't a big deal since if he were to talk to me, it was to start an argument. But it was also annoying if I were to send him a text and he would either not answer or do so much later on although he has his phone on him in case his mother would call.

I noticed that even when he would present me with some form of freedom, it really wasn't. He would demand to pay for my food no matter what (I think this was for the purpose of controlling rather than being generous). Although I would not ask him to take me to places (I felt a little weird that he always wanted to pay since I was more than capable of doing so) he would ask me "what do I want to eat", when I made suggestions he would say no until I suggested a place that he liked. It was always up to him. I told him that I noticed this and he laughed about it. It's a small thing to anyone, but this is how he would try to show control over me in every way possible. I could only eat when he was hungry or to places he liked. This extended into activities and anything else that he wanted to do.

Yes, I agree. I realized this a few times. First, it was rare for him to admit to his faults so I became used to him not apologizing. But when he did, he always backtracked later on and shifted the blame on me. When I tried to confide in him about the recent passing of my father, he created an argument. I am still lost on this one because we were both saying the same thing about the situation, there was no disagreement. But he started to accuse me of being difficult and argumentative what seemed to be out of nowhere. This was one where I was not going to "break" and submit to him. After sending him a series of texts he later apologized and admitted that he should've been more supportive, that he had no reason to become like that. At that moment I thought he understood his illogical and irrational behavior. But a month later he blamed me for the argument and said it would've never happened if I just listened to him (although there was no difference between what we said about the situation).
He frequently made the point to say that if I listen to him my life would be a lot better.

Thank you, I realize this now. Things are so clear now. I'm taking this as a lesson learned and to not accept this type of treatment. I shouldn't have to come up with excuses for his ill ways. If someone cannot own up to their behavior, that is a red flag.

100%!!!!! You got it. A MATURE ADULT apologizes, owns up to their mistakes or poor behaviors, and will make amends, but NEVER the abuser. The abusive personality can never take responsibility for their poor treatment towards you. They will always gaslight and project their issues onto you, blaming YOU, the victim. That is the common trait among all abusers. As soon as you see someone doing this, RUN and RUN FAST!!!!!!! LOL. I am so glad you see all this so clearly and got yourself out before you were became too severely damaged. I hope you are alright. ((((Hugs))))

Thank you for sharing, I completely missed your post at first!

I am glad you and your husband are getting help, it seems like those with NPD tend to avoid speaking to a mental health professional. I wish you soon receive the comfort that you deserve.

I would ask my ex why does he like me since we would never say (he was not affectionate with words nor actions, so I had no idea what attributes he was attracted to). He reluctantly told me because I am smart (idk to what standard that he held, but I have a degree), we have the same cultural background, ambition, he finds my physical appearance attractive. He would tell me that he wants to have a child with me because of my height and athleticism. This seemed to be the main reason why he was talking to me, not for my personality. As I look back, I can tell he was trying to change who I was so that I can meet his standards (pretty much be submissive and do what he says).

He once told me that I remind him of a character on a tv show. Her personality was docile and submissive. Because of how much I dreaded that, I would be defiant and listened to what I truly wanted.

When I told him about the abuse that happened to me when I was young, the first thing he said was "so you let that man get away with it." Even if it didn't involve him, I was always at fault. He would blame his mother as well. But never owned up to anything.

Yup this was a big red flag

Yes, of course he did!!!!

So, I tried to write the following post well and with much thinking, but I might have written how ever much of it poorly and/or conveyed my responses poorly...

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 I am still looking into NPD and finding more information. Yes, he would switch himself like, "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde." He has a desire to make friends and to be liked by them. But at the same time, he views those around him as stupid or inferior. He has mentioned to me that he is not normal. On the occasion, he would say that he finds it difficult to relate to people. I thought he was focusing on his anger problems, not these other parts of himself that I am now understanding.

Yeah, you'll find how ever many webpages about NPD (and interconnected topics) on the internet, including conflicting theories, personal accounts, scholarly articles and more.

I apologize because I think that I poorly wrote my paragraph that contained the "Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde" term. I am typing with overly generalizations in order to try to emphasize what are typical tendencies and behaviors according to the research that I've been learning, studying and interpreting.



I say the following to reiterate that I am not (trying to) stereotyping, but rather overly broadly describe NPD behavior may be expressed in general and the behavior of my ex girlfriend. Narcissism is on a spectrum, even NPD is. Moreover, it is a behavioral disorder that is subjective in how it is expressed (as in the person of NPD) and how it is (mis)interpreted (those who are not of NPD and interacting/observing someone who is.)



Consequently, in general, people with NPD express Narcissistic behavior differently. With that said, there are fundamental behaviors (actions, perspectives, sayings, words and so on) that people of NPD seemingly share and/or similarities. If the NPD is severe enough, it may be considered Antisocial Personality Disorder (and there are combinations of personality disorders as we’ve discussed.) (There is more to explain, but I’ll stop for sake of reading/time.)

With that said, a chief and typical aspect of some people of NPD is that s/he will have an appearance ("mask") of seemingly how s/he is to others and in public in general, but s/he will reveal himself/herself to be how ever differently to the person, who will become the victim, in private when they are not in public, around others and so forth. In general, the revealing is primarily when the other is (deeply) emotionally attached to the person, dependent on the person, and/or other possible features like we discussed in the last post. Until the revealing starts, the person maintains the appearance of his/her projected self even to the other.



There is a facade that the person displays in every day life for himself and for others to use others as supply/fuel to convince himself/herself of his/her appearance as how s/he is and and as a means for his/her objectives. (There is more to explain, but I will leave it at that for sake of reading/time.)



(The following paragraph is more complicated than what I wrote, but I am attempting to write what I did for sake of reading/time.)

Likewise, the person typically seems to have a self-perspective of superiority, "special" and entitlement while belittling and badmouthing others whom the person deems as "beneath him/her"; however, the person might also "idolize" some others and/or "put" some others "on a pedestal" (for how ever long.) The person of NPD will not usually bash or even criticize those whom s/he seemingly idolizes or associates as “someone of status.” Even some of those, whom the person might call "friends," are usually merely "fans" and sources of fuel for him/her. S/he might denigrate them when not around them to his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, who is or will be the victim.

In some cases, "friends" of someone with NPD are in general not friends, but rather "fans." They are there for the person to continually perpetuate his/her appearance and self-deception of such behaviors. (I could write more, but I'll leave it at that for sake of reading/time.)

My exgirlfriend would tell me that she is "blessed," but she would convey such a perspective not with humility. She seemed to convey it with expectation, entitlement, superiority and arrogance. I especially claim the aforesaid statement after reflection, my research and learning as I have. She would also tell me that she was "destined for greatness" and that her father told her that throughout her life as well. She would say the aforementioned phrases and others, even when the context of conversation did not seem appropriate and/or relevant.



Even though she held the aforementioned views, she was highly insecure, feared abandonment, and other interlinked aspects (which she tried to hide most effectively from others and deceive herself from being.) Her joke nickname to her friends was “queen,” which during my history with her, I tried to figure out such cause(s). I attempted to understand why they would jokingly refer to her as “queen” NAME. Was it a reference to her physical qualities, behavioral, clothing, interests, a other factors, combinations? In general, she was viewed as being incredibly, physically attractive. With that said, she would also be bossy, domineering and assume “control” with groups of people. For example, if they were out during the night, she would assume charge and start dictating the night for them all.



Well, after research, she most likely viewed herself as a “queen” in multiple meanings as aforesaid, but she would try to deny the qualities that were “unfavorable” according to her interpretation of other’s interpretation of “unfavorable” (e.g. rude, arrogant, bossy.)

Such aforesaid perspectives/beliefs are examples of the projected self that is the appearance, yet the person is aware that s/he is not like his/her projected self, but continually tries to convince himself/herself that how she appears is indeed how she is and how s/he is is not how s/he is. Hence, s/he projects how s/he is (not his/her appearance/projected self) unto the victim. (Again, I could explain more but, I will leave it at that for sake of time/reading.)

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 When he described his father, he seemed to be a no-nonsense type of man that demands his way only. My ex told me that he speaks to both his parents every day. But this is not true, his mother calls him but his father rarely does. However, he respects his father and wants to achieve his same level of success (being a multimillionaire). In his eyes, his father is perfect regardless that he also has very short patience, experiences memory loss (could be from old age), lack of physical affection (does not hug his children or kiss his wife), irrational anger (while at a restaurant, his father yelled at nearby guests to stop smoking but they were in an area where it was ok to do so). He also does not want to disappoint his father and hides things that he is embarrassed about (getting caught by the law for selling drugs, he told me that he was bored and doesn't know why he did it because he didn't need the money).

Some of what you wrote seems to pertain to some of what I wrote in the above paragraphs. With that said, there seem to be three main theories for the origin of NPD. They are based in familial interaction, specifically the relationships between the parents and the child(children).



They are: over pampering, abuse/neglect or a mixture of both. When the child is neglected/abused, s/he feels and/or is conditioned to perceive himself/herself as “inadequate” because of the parents telling such perspectives to the child, abusing the child, neglecting the child, and/other actions and combinations.



Another important action that the child performs is “splitting,” which is especially pertinent to one or both parents, who are abusing/neglecting the child. Splitting is approximately the action of separating a person and his/her qualities as either “all positive” or “all negative” and viewing the person accordingly (all “positive” or all “negative”) and such views can switch whenever. Consequently, the child might idolize (or a similar view) a parent(s) and/or despise the parent, depending upon the circumstances. When the child is over pampered, the child accepts and is conditioned to view himself/herself as how ever the parent is treating him/her (e.g. “special”) and/or describing (e.g. “perfect”) him/her to him/her.


All three are different routes that result in the child not developing his/her inner self while simultaneously developing a projected self that is dependent on others (such as the parents to start.) Moreover, the child becomes dependent on (and even addicted to) others, the approval of others, their attention, admiration, adulation, adoration and more. The inner self remains undeveloped as the child physically matures, but his/her mental maturity is also often underdeveloped. Additionally, the person will usually have a mental “maturity” level of when s/he started developing NPD (e.g. five years old,”) which also explains the person’s immaturity in general (“bratty child” as you typed,) Narcissistic rage (partially) and other interlinked features.


From what you write, it’s possible that his father is of NPD and/or different abusive behaviors. Additionally, your ex boyfriend might idolize his father (even though he might split his perception of his father) and attempt to be like him (in multiple aspects and in general.) As for his mother, there seems to be more of a mix of his perspectives of her. Any of his family members (e.g. mother, father, sister) might serve as a flying monkey. (Also, keep in mind that someone of NPD will seemingly compliment someone, depending upon the circumstances of that person and in general, admire him/her and more not because s/he does indeed share such perspectives, but s/he fabricates a façade of sharing those perspectives in order to use that person.)

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 If we were out in public together, he usually pushed me into the role of his mother by way of his anger. He would become agitated and annoyed because we were in public (he does not like crowds because it feels like everyone is looking at him) although he was the one that wanted to go there (mall, restaurant, movies). He does not get along with his sister but respects her because she has a high paying job and seems to be on the same path of success of their parents. He disagrees with everything else about her. Once and a while he would say that his family is messed up and has a lot of problems that still continue into today. I didn't think hard on this since every family has their own issues. In the same breath, he will say they are perfect and that I want to date him to be part of his perfect family (not true).

Yeah, I might not have too much of an accurate guess on your aforesaid message that I quoted due to lack of info for me and other causes (I am not asking you to divulge more,) but there are multiple possibilities that I could address. I think that we already might have (somewhat) discussed the following, but in case we did not, appearance (façade) is one of the main features and one of the most if not the most important aspect of NPD.



Moreover, the appearance is the projected self. With that said, the person of NPD also assigns high importance to appearances such as physical, emotional, psychological and more. For example, the appearance of socioeconomic status, especially what society deems as “wealthy” might be extremely important to the person. With that said, if your ex boyfriend finds such aspects to be important, he might pretend to view someone favorably because s/he is of wealth (an ends that the person of NPD wants.) He might want to appear wealthy himself, want to use someone to access his/her wealth and/or other motives.


Your perspective of your ex boyfriend “pushing the role of his mother” onto you might very well be accurate; however, there are other possibilities (which are more typically associated with NDP.) By the way, “paranoia” is also a trait that is associated with ASPD and NPD, but I am not claiming that your depiction of his behavior about being in public constitutes paranoia, that he is of NPD and so forth. With that said, there are other possible explanations for his perspectives about being in public, with you in public and so forth.

Again, this is just theoretical about your ex boyfriend… the different perspectives, which might even contradict, are associated with NDP. Even though people in general might hide content about himself/herself, the person of NPD will have conflicting stories about his/her past, family, family past and so on. Moreover, as your description of his depiction about his family and his family’s past reads, notice the polarities between his family as “perfect” and “messed up/problems.”

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 When I described how he made me feel, he responded that it sounded like emotional abuse. I did not take it as him admitting to it because there was no apology or changed behavior. So I assumed that he didn't quite understand what he was doing. But I could be wrong, his actions and words were oftentimes confusing to me.

hmmm... If he is defining your description of his actions as "emotional abuse" he is understanding and admitting that his actions are defined as "emotional abuse." Whether or not he admitted it explicitly and admitted explicitly to you as in saying, "I admit that I emotionally abused you" (just an example) is a different topic. An apology is not necessary to acknowledge.



Additionally, another explanation for a lack of an apology is that in some cases with people of NPD, there is no reason to apologize in general because they are perfect in their mind, have nothing for which to apologize and/or other possible factors, but they are just engaging in self deception. Moreover, they seemingly are "perfect" to themselves, have nothing for which to apologize and so forth because they do not take responsibility (for their actions, words, behavior) and project their mistakes, flaws, behaviors and actions and so forth unto the victim as if the victim is the actor of such aforesaid aspects. Consequently, the person of NPD is then "perfect" since s/he displaces and projects all his/her negative qualities unto the other.

Unfortunately, your last sentence is indeed consistent with what we are discussing because the person's actions frequently do not match their words, whether they are contrary, contradicting or another possibility.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 Yes, this is exactly what it was like. It got the point where he would tell me that what I was either laughing about or making a joke about was completely stupid and not funny. Since he never understood my humor, I tried to joke in the same mean way as him. I made jokes about him getting calls and texts from girls, but this only infuriated him and prompted him to speak down on me.

I empathize with you and wish you were not subjected to such behavior and scenarios. The account in your paragraph seems to yet be another example of his "standard" for you while he was held to no standard. For him, his degradation of you was fine, yet, for him, your attempts to degrade him were not fine.



Additionally, he seems to possibly exhibit "Narcissistic rage," which is when the person of NPD will literally lash out due to any (mis)perceived insult, action (or lack there of,) word (or lack there of) and/or behavior (or lack there of.) Incidentally, you might have been reminding him that he was not "superior," "perfect" and/or other possible perspectives. As a result, he became "infuriated" as you typed.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 This was a regular occurrence. I wouldn't confront him about it because he would yell at me. But there were these hidden rules that I had to abide by. Ex: His statements were accepted facts, while anything he disagreed on with me was complete stupidity and illogical. This is when he would try to change my reality and make it seem like my memory could not be trusted. I always thought the silent treatment wasn't a big deal since if he were to talk to me, it was to start an argument. But it was also annoying if I were to send him a text and he would either not answer or do so much later on although he has his phone on him in case his mother would call.

In addition to gaslighting, he also seems to have engaged in (logical) fallacies, word salad and more. Such behaviors again are associated with people of NPD, including high end of the spectrum NPD (where Antisocial Personality Disorder starts according to some theories.)

The silent treatment is one of the most damaging forms of emotional and psychological abuse in a relationship. Although it may (I am not saying that it was not) not have been severe in your relationship, the silent treatment can be extreme. I can attest to extreme cases of the silent treatment with my ex girlfriend.



My personal anecdotes aside, communication crumbles as one person attempts to control and dictate the other while conditioning him/her through emotional and psychological pain, suffering, torture, isolation and more. The silent treatment can also be used for other purposes such as condition someone to accept invented guilt and/or responsibility for several possible causes. There are other effects of the silent treatment as well. You'll find plenty of info on it if you choose to research it. I could also send link(s).

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 I noticed that even when he would present me with some form of freedom, it really wasn't. He would demand to pay for my food no matter what (I think this was for the purpose of controlling rather than being generous). Although I would not ask him to take me to places (I felt a little weird that he always wanted to pay since I was more than capable of doing so) he would ask me "what do I want to eat", when I made suggestions he would say no until I suggested a place that he liked. It was always up to him. I told him that I noticed this and he laughed about it. It's a small thing to anyone, but this is how he would try to show control over me in every way possible. I could only eat when he was hungry or to places he liked. This extended into activities and anything else that he wanted to do.

So, he seemingly was (always) in control, even when he offered the illusion of choice, decision and so forth to you. As long as you decided, chose or did what and/or how he approved, he was ok with it. My ex girlfriend exhibited such behavior as well. Again, such behavior is associated with NPD.



The following might be relevant, but maybe not… The other is merely a means, objective, possession, toy, reflection of and for the person, who is in control. There are not two people, but one person, who is indoctrinating the other to become and serve as merely an extension of that person. Additionally, his “generosity” was merely a means to an end as you’ve indicated. He tried to appear as “generous,” but that was just a front for him to control you.



His laughter is possibly a confirmation that he was aware of such behavior and control, yet he tried to act like that his behavior was not as it was and that he was not controlling you. In other words, you signaled to him that you were conscious of what he was doing and how he was being, but he tried to “play it off” like your observations warranted “laughter” (as in possibly ridiculous.)


I can vividly recall instances when my ex girlfriend laughed at me, reacted how ever to me and so forth when I conveyed that she (might be) using, abusing, manipulating me and more. She even smiled a few times when I was in front of her and was visibly suffering, in pain and more due to her severe psychological and emotional abuse. She seemingly derived pleasure from my pain in those situations, which is associated with ASPD, but her smiles were much later in our history in the last months or so.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 Yes, I agree. I realized this a few times. First, it was rare for him to admit to his faults so I became used to him not apologizing. But when he did, he always backtracked later on and shifted the blame on me. When I tried to confide in him about the recent passing of my father, he created an argument. I am still lost on this one because we were both saying the same thing about the situation, there was no disagreement. But he started to accuse me of being difficult and argumentative what seemed to be out of nowhere. This was one where I was not going to "break" and submit to him. After sending him a series of texts he later apologized and admitted that he should've been more supportive, that he had no reason to become like that. At that moment I thought he understood his illogical and irrational behavior. But a month later he blamed me for the argument and said it would've never happened if I just listened to him (although there was no difference between what we said about the situation). He frequently made the point to say that if I listen to him my life would be a lot better.

Again, I’m not claiming that your boyfriend is of NPD. From what you are describing, he might find apologizing extremely difficult because his very defenses are designed to protect him from being at fault, responsible, being self critical and other actions that pertain to apologizing. (such behavior is associated with NPD)

If I am understanding correctly, you are writing that when you tried to confined in him about the passing of your father, he engaged in a verbal altercation with you? A person, who is extremely selfish, self centered and more (such as of NPD,) lacks emotional empathy. Moreover, the person lacks tolerance in spending conversation, thought, attention and effort in anything that does not place them at the center and/or is not centered around him/her. Consequently, your boyfriend may have behaved as he did due to the aforesaid premises.


My girlfriend lacked emotional empathy and would do as we are describing when she was somehow not at the center. The person treats and views the other not as a person, but merely as an extension and more as we’ve noted. Thus, the interests, life, thoughts, emotions and more of the other not only do not matter to the person, but the other has none. The other is without a self. S/he is there to obey and satiate the insatiable of the person of NPD.


From what you wrote, he seems to have engaged in multiple forms of psychological and emotional abuse such as gaslighting, shifting the blame, denial (of responsibility, behavior and actions,) projection (of behavior, actions and responsibility) and probably others such as silent treatment. A continual and severe denial of responsibility and lack of apology are both associated with NPD (I think that we’ve mentioned this to a degree.)

Some people of NPD also lack object constancy and whole object relations. Whole object relations is approximately the recognition that a person is of both flaws and not of flaws. It is acknowledging that a person, including himself/herself is not perfect. Without whole object relations, a person is either of all “positive” qualities or of all “negative” qualities. Consequently, some people of NPD view the other as all “positive” or all “negative” and switch back in between, depending upon circumstances (even one moment to the next.)


Example: “We might be having an altercation, but I am still aware that we (allegedly) like/love one another, share a past together and more” instead of “In this moment, I hate you. There is no past. We do not (allegedly) like/love one another.”

Object constancy is interlinked to whole object relations. It is more or less maintaining a relationship with someone and/or perspectives (including acknowledging how the two share a history of love/like and so forth between one another) about someone when the person is not around, during an altercation or some scenario that the two people are at odds with one another. Without object constancy, a person might literally hate the other during an altercation because s/he does not acknowledge prior and current history such as emotions and perspectives (of like, love and so forth.)

Example: “My girlfriend consists of both qualities that I like and dislike. She is not perfect” as opposed to “She is perfect. She is entirely flawed.”
Without both whole object relations and object constancy, the person is likely to flip between “loving” and “hating” the person and not acknowledging the past (even if it is one second ago) of (alleged) love, like and so forth.


As a result, the lack of whole object relations and object constancy might explain to how ever much of a degree the flipping between moments of tension, then later apologizing. During altercation, he may have literally did not like you, viewed you as all flawed and shared no alleged attachment to you.

I commend you for figuring out that the impressions you had of him early on turned out to be not who he is. You seem to also have figured out that you could not fix this miserable situation. I commend you for getting out of this horrible relationship.

As for the future, you are right to be concerned. The great big lesson here is that it takes time to really know someone. There is no way to know if early impressions represent reality of what's underneath. You spent time and found out the reality of who this guy is. I wish you didn't have to go through the hurt, but I'm glad he showed you who he was.

Here's another thing to consider. Guys like that are selective with women. From the beginning he was sizing you up as someone he could treat badly. He didn't just pick you at random. Give that some thought. You were carefully selected. I say this because you may have personality attributes that make abusive men think you will accept bad treatment.

I'm not saying you're a doormat. And you did have enough self-esteem and strength to end it with him. But he saw something in you he thought he could exploit. Maybe you tend to see the good in people and tend to assume the best about others until they act so ugly you have to revise what you thought of them. From what you've just been through, start to be more skeptical of the facade that you see in the beginning. Also, be a little skeptical about why someone is attracted to you. You don't have to morph into a completely jaded cynic. But never assume that a person you don't know is telling you the truth about anything.