[rjaimz]

My name is Rebbecca and I am 31 years old. I was diagnosed Bipolar type I about 6 years ago. I lost a nine year relationship recently from the effects of my Bipolar and the strain it put on the relationship. I am at a loss most days. I hit mania often and stay in it longer than ever now. I completely try to single handeldly try to destroy everything good and positive in my life. I don't mean to do it, it happens though. I am here for some help and support. I feel completely alone in this. Sometimes I look around and see everyone else's life going well and look at mine, and ask what happened. I am hoping to find positive things here. I want to learn and understand this disorder better.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by rjaimz

I completely try to single handeldly try to destroy everything good and positive in my life. I don't mean to do it, it happens though.

If you don't mind my asking... is that how you'd describe it while you're actually in that place? How you'd describe it only afterwards when you're in a different state of mind? How someone else might describe what you do (and you're trying to learn to see it their way)?

Does whatever you're trying to destroy (as you put it) look good and positive to you at the time, or only later when you look back on it? However it looks, do you find yourself thinking "That's in my way and needs to be destroyed," or more like, "I'd better fix that... oops, that wasn't how I planned it!"...?

[rjaimz]

Originally Posted by FooZe

If you don't mind my asking... is that how you'd describe it while you're actually in that place? How you'd describe it only afterwards when you're in a different state of mind? How someone else might describe what you do (and you're trying to learn to see it their way)?

Does whatever you're trying to destroy (as you put it) look good and positive to you at the time, or only later when you look back on it? However it looks, do you find yourself thinking "That's in my way and needs to be destroyed," or more like, "I'd better fix that... oops, that wasn't how I planned it!"...?

FooZe I don't mind you asking at all. Wow what thought provoking questions! I actually had to sit back and think about some of my experiences and mindsets to answer this. No one has ever thought to ask, not even myself. I appreciate it!
I would actually describe it when I am in a different more calm state of mind. However, the tricky part of it is that I am fully aware that I am destroying things and relationships while in that place, I cannot stop it the power within it is too strong for me to control. I have had people describe what I do as throwing good things away such as relationships, jobs, my apartment. They talk to me as if I am smarter than that and should know better. Even if I do know better I am just so out of control I cannot stop me from putting everything into ruin. The things I destroy or throw away always look horrible to me at the time. I seem to get into the state of mind that it isn't what I want or good for me. When I come out of that state and in a clear mind I realize the damage I have done and immediately go into damage control mode.
I try to regain the things I have hurt lost or damaged, not always successfully .

[ohlala]

I'm new here...Dx'd Bi-Polar 1 (2007) after YEARS of being Major Depressive Disorder (due to 1 manic episode that landed me in a psych ward for 1 week). I just find myself totally depressed now more than ever, sick of different medications. I have stopped taking all but Trazadone for sleep. I can't stand this constant depression but I can't stand the drugs and side effects either. I have investigated Trans Cranial Magnetic Stimulation but it costs a tons of money and my insurance (which I am grateful to have) will not pay for it. Of course, they cover ECT! I am so down I have been considering ECT as a last resort but the bottom line is after reading about it it just scares me. Anybody here ever had it for depression? If so, please share your experience---you can send me an email. Thanks in advance.

[CjnGyrl74]

Hi, I'm Shannon, 36 years old and have been living with BP for almost 20yrs now. I'm only on Celexa right now and it's not helping. My delima is my job. I am a Registered Medical Assistant. So my physician is my boss. I can't go to him for anything. My second delima is I have no insurance so I'm pretty much stuck. Allthewhile my job performance is suffering.
I am married to a wonderful man, I count my blessings for that. We have no children basically because I don't want to pass this disease to my offspring.
Well, that's enough for now.
I look forward to meeting all of you and hope to share my support for all.

[roads]

When I was eight, the school psychiatrist decreed that I was "Clinically Depressed." Okay. But that label never got me treatment or meds or anything that made me even marginally better. It always seemed that my world was just somehow a bit "off" from the rest of the world. Time passes. Three more psychiatrists have cause to declare me, "Clinically Depressed." More time goes by. Life happens. I am sixty-three. Another psychiatrist considers my history & says, "Not depressed. Bi-Polar 2!"

My antidepressant is continued, but a mood-stabilizer is added. A good eighty percent of everything that had ever been a problem for me in my day-to-day life seems to solve itself. I coast in a little bit of heaven for two years. Then: a shattering depression, far worse than any I have known before, spreads through me. Unlike other times, it is connected to no event whatever, however inconsequential. Other drugs have been added, not helped, removed; added, not helped, removed; added, not helped, removed--etc. Now the original pair seem to be doing nothing. Life is terrible, certainly not worth getting up for. I can't figure how I got here & I don't know where to take it now.

My doctor gave me this website. He thought it might help.

[choocha]

Originally Posted by Merlin

Welcome to our forum! Come in and introduce yourself to other members!! This thread is place for new members to get the attention and feedback of the older members, or older members to give more information about themselves. They can discuss diagnosis, treatment or another other topic of their disorder and older members will respond.

I created this introduction thread due to the number of introductions posted on the "Bipolar Chat" sticky. The Bipolar Chat that I lead is now scheduled on Fridays at 9 PM EST. It will cover a variety of topics which will be posted in the chat announcement and outlines will also be posted for those unable to make the chats. The first Friday of the month Wingin'it will lead an open Bipolar Chat. Those will Bipolar are also invited to the Depression Chat on Wednesday at 9 PM EST, but there will be significant overlap in topic.

Hi

I'm a 37year-old woman from Australia. I have Bipolar2 + a few other conditions. I'm here to reach out for someone to talk to. Desperately. I really need help right now. I'm just about at the end of my tether. Struggling to stay alive. Can't find someone to talk openly & honestly to, because if you mention the "S" word to professionals, they have to hospitalise you, & family members can't handle it. I have no-one, which is mostly my fault because I have isolated myself & pushed people away so well, that now it's just me & my 2 cats, 2 dogs, on the couch, watching TV & eating junkfood. I find it hard to talk about how I'm feeling right now, because I'm embarassed & ashamed to not be in control of my own life & emotions. I come here looking for someone to talk to, because it's easier to share with somebody who can relate. I'm really just treading water at the moment, & know if I don't get help soon, I will drown. Thankyou for listening. And can someone please explain how to join a chat. Thanks.

[porcupine2]

I'm not exactly a new member, but really want to join the community of this forum. I am so depressed right now, yet I know if something goes wrong I will go from 1 to 10 in a heartbeat. Not a good thing because the manic in me is feeling rageful. Yesterday I spent entirely in bed just wanting to get the day over with. No one to fall back on, as I think I've burned too many bridges. I'm glad this forum is here.

[Morningdove]

Originally Posted by choocha

Hi

I'm a 37year-old woman from Australia. I have Bipolar2 + a few other conditions. I'm here to reach out for someone to talk to. Desperately. I really need help right now. I'm just about at the end of my tether. Struggling to stay alive. Can't find someone to talk openly & honestly to, because if you mention the "S" word to professionals, they have to hospitalise you, & family members can't handle it. I have no-one, which is mostly my fault because I have isolated myself & pushed people away so well, that now it's just me & my 2 cats, 2 dogs, on the couch, watching TV & eating junkfood. I find it hard to talk about how I'm feeling right now, because I'm embarassed & ashamed to not be in control of my own life & emotions. I come here looking for someone to talk to, because it's easier to share with somebody who can relate. I'm really just treading water at the moment, & know if I don't get help soon, I will drown. Thankyou for listening. And can someone please explain how to join a chat. Thanks.

I understand your pain. I am embarrassed and ashamed myself right now. Really bad. My family doesn't understand and I have no friends and no one I can be honest with or talk to. I am manic right now. I jump from being angry to crying all day. Yesterday I woke up mad and suddenly I was so happy and spent the rest of the day laughing at everything. Today I am jumpy and nervous. You are not alone now. We have people here we can be honest with and get support from. Hang in there. This time will pass.

[Bipolar Mark]

Hi all,

My name's Mark and I'm from the UK. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar Affective Disorder in 2010 after suffering mood swings spanning 25 years. I have had major depressive and manic episodes and have had psychosis on two occasions. I am still trying to find that fine balance of the correct medication which helps me but does not turn me into a zombie. I write a blog on Bipolar to try and help others from my own experience and I love writing as I find it is really good therapy for me with something to focus my mind on.

I will be a regular contributor on this forum as I have a strong interest in mental health issues.

Take care
Mark

[bindingelf]

hi i'm new to this site and i'm bipolar. i have no support system other then my psych dr. not even my family. i'm just looking to connnect with others like me so i know i'm not alone.

[TurtlePi]

I'm Turtle, it's what everyone calls me online.
I'm 14 and self diagnosed bipolar, found this place by researching online.

[Martek]

New here, I have known for a long time that I was Bi-polar but I was in denial. I had some very bad manic episodes when I was a teen but my family kept me out of any real trouble. Now in my 40's I don't have that safety net and have really hit the ground hard. Four years ago I was diagnosed with with severe depression but I lied through the rest of my symptoms and was sent home. Over the past four years I have put on my happy face whenever I was with people and got home and cried. I'm uninsured so I can't get therapy or medication and am getting very close to the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn so maybe someone who has worked through this can help. I really don't know how much longer I can go on, don't panic I'm not suicidal yet but I can feel myself heading there. Please help me, I am so lost.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Martek

I'm uninsured so I can't get therapy or medication and am getting very close to the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn so maybe someone who has worked through this can help. I really don't know how much longer I can go on, don't panic I'm not suicidal yet but I can feel myself heading there. Please help me, I am so lost.

Hi, Markek. Uninsured doesn't automatically mean no treatment. My pdoc charges $80, I've got insurance. I pay $45 co-pay. I don't know what he charges people without insurance, but I'm pretty confident it's a lot less than $80. I told him I couldnt afford expensive copays on drugs; so he started with the generics' & managed to find a combo of 3 that works for me & cost a total of $12/mo.

Ask around. Are you employed? If so, look for a Free Clinic in your area. Their fees for those employed but without insurance (at least here) are very low).

Don't give up. Absolutely don't give up without a fight!

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Martek

New here, I have known for a long time that I was Bi-polar but I was in denial. I had some very bad manic episodes when I was a teen but my family kept me out of any real trouble. Now in my 40's I don't have that safety net and have really hit the ground hard. Four years ago I was diagnosed with with severe depression but I lied through the rest of my symptoms and was sent home. Over the past four years I have put on my happy face whenever I was with people and got home and cried. I'm uninsured so I can't get therapy or medication and am getting very close to the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn so maybe someone who has worked through this can help. I really don't know how much longer I can go on, don't panic I'm not suicidal yet but I can feel myself heading there. Please help me, I am so lost.

You've already taken the first step by acknowledging what you're struggling with and seeking out this community. I know what you mean by wearing a 'happy mask' - I've become a master at it. But with this forum I no longer need it while I'm here. Are you in the US? If so go to the county and they will set you up, and based on your income it will be very low cost or free. Please keep us posted - we all care.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Martek

New here, I have known for a long time that I was Bi-polar but I was in denial. I had some very bad manic episodes when I was a teen but my family kept me out of any real trouble. Now in my 40's I don't have that safety net and have really hit the ground hard. Four years ago I was diagnosed with with severe depression but I lied through the rest of my symptoms and was sent home. Over the past four years I have put on my happy face whenever I was with people and got home and cried. I'm uninsured so I can't get therapy or medication and am getting very close to the end of my rope. I don't know where to turn so maybe someone who has worked through this can help. I really don't know how much longer I can go on, don't panic I'm not suicidal yet but I can feel myself heading there. Please help me, I am so lost.

Martek, Over the years, I have found that not even professional social workers in a town always know what is there in your community that you are eligible for. You really have to do a lot of asking around. Is there a publicly run hospital near you? Is there any hospital near you that is hooked up with a medical college, so that the college sends young doctors to do their residencies at the hospital? If so, I found those to be where I can get the best level of care. And the charge can be lower than a private place that does sliding scale. It might take a crisis to get through the door though. If you get into real emotional crisis, any hospital emergency room has got to see you and refer you somewhere. If it is a public hospital or a teaching hospital, it is apt to know more about low-income options. They may not even charge you for the emergency room visit if they "means test" you and you are sufficiently without financial resources.

This might sound off the wall, but I think is good to know about. It can be worth checking in with your local "Healthcare for the Homeless," if you have a clinic like that in your town, or in the nearest city, if there is a city not too far away. They are often the best source of information on what is available in your area for low, or no-, income persons (even those with a roof over their heads.) You might have to show up at the crack of dawn and wait in a line for a good while. It can be worth it. They are highly motivated to avoid seeing you become homeless, so they take an interest in anyone who is seriously distressed and low on finances.

Keep posting about how you are doing, especially if you aren't doing well. Here you will get support that can help you stay afloat enough to find treatment somewhere. I'm sorry you are feeling so much distress.

[saphirrain]

My name is Debbie, I am 33, a single mom with two girls, ages 9 and 15, in North Carolina. I was first diagnosed with dysthymia at age 8, I guess Bipolar with no ups. With age I have shifted slowly from always down to the last few years i rarely cry at all, but ultra rapid cycling. I also have PTSD, OCD, panic disorder, ADHD, and for many years they said I had borderline personality disorder. I had a bad med interaction a few years ago causing some minor brain damage, so I now suffer from dissociative fugues, frequent blackouts lasting from a few hours to a week or so. Anyway, I am truly hopeful that if nothing else, I will stop getting worse, my girls need me, so I am doing everything in my power to give them just that.

[Annie Laurie]

Thanks for the welcome. My name is Annie Laurie, and I was first diagnosed over 35 years ago in my early 30s, and I won't go into medications (and self-medications) I have tried. I am 30 years clean and sober, though, and am currently taking 20mgs per day of Lexapro and Neurontin, Topamax, and my mind's gone blank on the third mood stabilizer. I also have a prescription for a teeny dose of Abilify.

I also have PTSD and other childhood trauma issues (just to get some things out there). I'm currently having a very tough time emotionally and had lunch with a friend that hadn't known before I told her today that I have BP. After some conversation, she told me that she hadn't seen me as emotional as I was today and that she was very concerned about me. Long story short, she recommended that I add something to my medication routine to prevent myself from harming some of my other relationships by blurting out things to others. (My thoughts aren't always in the mainstream, and that makes me feel isolated, too.) I told her about the Abilify, but the thing about it is that it DEADENS me inside. It makes me NOT CARE about people. I HATE WHAT IT DOES TO ME. It deadens my soul, my spirit, everything that makes life worth living -- except I'm in hell right now, living in a constant panic attack.

There's so much more to say. I have a job where I'm around so many people who hold extreme views and I have to keep my mouth closed. This is stressful. I feel as if I cannot be myself. I cannot be myself at all. This is the way I felt as a child. I could not let myself express any feelings because my poor mother could not handle feelings. The ECT she had over a period of months when she (and my father) disappeared, dispersing their children to different homes where we didn't know the people who took care of us, caused her for the rest of her life to have an extremely narrow limit of emotional availability -- practically none, in fact. A BP trigger for me is feeling too much stress without relief, and I'm there.

I remember knowing when I was five that I was alone and that I would have to take care of myself. I knew I must have done something really bad that caused everyone to disappear. The family who took care of me made no mention of what happened to my family. Decades later when I mentioned it to the mother, she told me, "Kids are resilient. Nothing bothers them." She talked about how scared what happened to my mother made her.

I do know it wasn't my mother's fault or the family that kept me. They really did the absolute best they could.

When I'm in a panic attack, though, I forget everything and it's as if I'm that five year old, equipped with her knowledge of the world. I'm scared. My BP kicks in. If I'm in the manic or mixed side, I might start talking to anyone and alienating people or getting advice. Is the advice good? Not good? I usually don't want to get advice at all; it makes me really uncomfortable. I felt very scared when I heard today that I shouldn't speak to people when I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. That's exactly what I'm trying to do -- NOT talk to anyone -- because I'm so BAD and because I should never be the person I am. And when it comes right down to it -- that's the way I feel when I take Abilify: I feel like I'm killing myself because it deadens me so.

Am I just having racing thoughts here?

I hope what I'm writing here isn't full of triggers. I know I need help.

Up until recently, I was seeing a psychiatrist and was in a group. Both had been in process for years. I felt, though, that the psychiatrist was very Western med. in approach (Rx vs. talk or combo) and the leader of the group kept saying that she believed we should not linger in group, so I pushed myself to get out of the group because I had been there for several years.

I'm feeling pretty isolated (but surrounded by people to whom I really can't share these too-heavy things).

I'm sorry. Thank you.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

I hope what I'm writing here isn't full of triggers. I know I need help.

Up until recently, I was seeing a psychiatrist and was in a group. Both had been in process for years. I felt, though, that the psychiatrist was very Western med. in approach (Rx vs. talk or combo) and the leader of the group kept saying that she believed we should not linger in group, so I pushed myself to get out of the group because I had been there for several years.

I'm feeling pretty isolated (but surrounded by people to whom I really can't share these too-heavy things).

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Please don't ever feel like you need to apologize for Anything you share here - it is a safe place with others here who understand.
As far as the doctor....they should be a partner in your treatment, not someone who dictates what is best for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what is going on in your head. There are lots of choices besides Abilify (which didn't help me at all), such as Lamictal, Cymbalta, to name a few. I got so fed up with one of my doctors that I told him I no longer had faith in his abilities to help. It was a wake up call for him as well. You have the power - always remember that

[Annie Laurie]

Thank you, Porcupine2. I've heard Lamictal recommended by someone else. I can't afford to see another therapist until next month, but I'm going to get an RX for Lam. then instead of the Abilify.

Today was rough at work but fortunately enough after only one bit of Abilify, I already felt a little bit deadened. I didn't get angry, but I did stand up for myself when I was misrepresented. Afterwards, I did feel like crying, something I virtually never do, and never at work.

The truth is I just feel like crying.

Yesterday and the day before I read so many of the posts here and so many people are suffering so much. My heart is broken. I'm so sorry. I want to help, and I don't even feel I can help myself.

[FooZe]

Hi Annie Laurie, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Yesterday and the day before I read so many of the posts here and so many people are suffering so much. My heart is broken. I'm so sorry. I want to help, and I don't even feel I can help myself.

Have you ever heard that safety talk they give you on an airplane, where if the cabin pressure fails and the oxygen masks drop down, you're supposed to put your mask on first before trying to help anyone else with theirs?

I think you'll be in the best position to support anyone else here if you start by taking the best care you can, of you.

[Annie Laurie]

Thank you, FooZee,

I'm such an emotional mess that I wonder if my medications ever worked for me. I think I should simply start over. I wonder if the medications I'm on have made me worse.

I don't think I've ever had a problem with paranoia, but I'm feeling paranoid. I've been living in a panic attack for weeks. I have to remind myself to take deep, steady breaths. Sometimes I can go for days in the panic without remembering at all to take the deep breath. I catch myself venting to the nearest person. Then, I'm sorry. No -- not sorry, appalled. I don't know what is happening to me.

I am so scared. I'd be so much better if I could just be safe. If I didn't have to go to work where I'm not around safe people, where I'm not around people I can trust.

I have to go back to work tonight. It's a special occasion. I'll be okay. Just one foot in front of the other.

Deep breath now. No one is really safe. I'm just panicking. Just pick up and go.

Thanks for listening.

[Annie Laurie]

It's the end of another day, and I don't know what to do except post here. I'm becoming more and more isolated. Friends don't want to hear about this. I told my closest friend a few days ago that I was just going to start taking Abilify again even if it did deaden me inside (She's seen me on it), and she just said, "That sounds like a plan" which sounded really flip and sarcastic to me. Just call me overly sensitive, but truly! With friends like that, do I need an enemy. As I said, I'm really feeling alone. I honestly don't want somebody to feel sorry for me, but I want to know there's some hope. I can't remember feeling better than this. I remember feeling hope before. I'm not sure I want to go through that hopeful stage again only to hit this again.

I don't know what's going on. I know I'm very depressed, combined with lots of agitation, anxiety, panic, and more. Does anyone recognize this as having anything to do with BP or am I really abnormal?

Work is more and more stressful because things are piling up. Murphy's Law things are happening (as they will at the worst times) and I'm just not in a supportive environment.

[Annie Laurie]

[quote=choocha;2004937]Hi

I'm a 37year-old woman from Australia. I have Bipolar2 + a few other conditions. I'm here to reach out for someone to talk to. Desperately. I really need help right now. I'm just about at the end of my tether. Struggling to stay alive. Can't find someone to talk openly & honestly to, because if you mention the "S" word to professionals, they have to hospitalise you, & family members can't handle it. I have no-one, which is mostly my fault because I have isolated myself & pushed people away so well, that now it's just me & my 2 cats, 2 dogs, on the couch, watching TV & eating junkfood. I find it hard to talk about how I'm feeling right now, because I'm embarassed & ashamed to not be in control of my own life & emotions. I come here looking for someone to talk to, because it's easier to share with somebody who can relate. I'm really just treading water at the moment, & know if I don't get help soon, I will drown. .......

Dear Choocha, I want you to know that I feel that I understand how you feel and I'm glad you are sharing here. Keep showing up.

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you feel so awful . . . and so alone. I hope being embarrassed and ashamed can be lessened by finding out that you are not so different and unusual. Lots of members of PC are struggling with very hard feelings about themselves. Sometimes a hospital is the right place to be in and where you can get hooked up with more intensive outpatient care. Once, I found it was worth going in, because they only kept me 23 hours, and I got a referral to a very good out-patient program.

There are lots of members here who will listen and most likely be well able to relate.