[siani]

do you guys think that instead of binging and purging like i do at the moment i should try to restrict instead.

i used to be heavily into the pro-ana/mia circuit and got down to 105 pounds, now in 129 and hate it, im so scared of being fat and this can sometimes trigger depressed swings in my BP.

i dont what my teeth to rot away and i cant stop purging after ive eaten, even if its salad or something, so i was thinking i could try out restricting my food all together instead of eating alot then purging it.

i only want to get down to 112 at the moment, but my ultimate goal weight is 95 pounds. and im 5'7" so that seems okay. restricting just seems alot healthier, ive tried to stop purging, i really have, its so hard because you purge in a place where no one else goes in with you so you can do it even if you are with friends ETC.

what do you gusy think then?

siani x

[Sezzie]

Hi Siani- it's Sezzie. I just became a member yesterday too. I am a binge and purger as well. I can't stop it either. I'm sorry i have crap all suggestions cause i have crap all help in me own situation. i don't think either restrictive eating or bulimia is a good thing at all. It sux heh. I am also 5'7- but i'm way bigger dan you. You are a skinny chick!!! i think the best idea is to somehow draw on strengths of your personality. If you can't see that you are beautiful on the outside then it's always a good thing to look at the things that are good about you that ain't nuthin to do with body image. I really feel for us two chicks because bulimia is such a wretched sob. It's so freakin hard to stop because it's just too easy. i think that trying to eat three balanced meals a day (if you can- even if they are small) would be the best option. Build up to it if you have to. A few days ago i tried to stop the b and p-ing- i totally stopped for four days!! but am way back into it again! Such a pain in the ***! Do you have any help with all of dis eating disorder- coz the only way i got through those four days of not b and p-ing was through someone i totally admire and respect- i only wish she could help me every day! It's good to get some-one in on helping you out- and making sure you don't slip away. I'm telling you mate 95p is such a small weight for a chick who's as tall as you are. Anyway- lets try not to dwell on weight lol. My bulimia for me is about escapism- so i can forget things- bit dumb huh- I am also hung up about the weight thing as well, but not so much! But it's getting scarier! I used to be friggon obese- now i'm a normal weight- but i don't ever wana be dat gurl who was the size of a house! But anyway- even if i was da size of a house i've lately begun to recognize that there is so much more to me than just my appearance- your appearance is only just a wee part of who you are sweets- You go much deeper than that. I can think of things that i love about myself now. I hope that you can think of some things that you do love about yourself- I'm sure there must be at least some admirable qualities! I think dat you should learn to love yourself and accept dat you are a beauty above all da outside ********. I know that it's a hard thing to do, but can you just think of something that you love about yourself and write it down- put it on your wall, and remember it each day. Hold onto something like that. I am thinking of you. Love and hugs from Sezzie. I hope to hear from you soon.

Try not to be so hard on yourself . Stay strong!
(I need to take my own advice as well- cause i expect perfection in everything i do!)

[siani]

sezzie! awww! your so sweet i love you so much!
you said about focusing on my inner qualities, that isnt too great at the moment cause my brain keeps telling me im a nut case (i was only diagnosed with bipolar 6 weeks ago) so suddenly my mia has fired up again. im not supposed to weigh myself anymore (the 129 pounds was from about 4 weeks ago) but i did this morning and im 123, it feels amazing, and it just made me wanna carry on.
i know its stupid, and i really need someone who has the same problem, one of my friends used to be anorexic but i cant talk to her about it because she has already relapsed twice and i dont want that to happen to her again.
i havent eaten 3 set meals in about 3 years, it was so easy for me to skip them, i left for school before my mum got up so no breakfast, i could say i was gonna have lunch when i got home to my friends at school and then i would purge dinner, ive tried so hard to stop purging, during the whole of the easter hoilidays (2 and a half weeks) i stopped, but i didnt feel proud of myself, i felt disgusting.
i need a way where my brain registers that not b and p-ing is good and that my body is beautiful at over 100 pounds.

i hope we can be friends sezzie, we seem to be in the same boat, and your from new zealand, so your obviously amazing!

Siani x

[Sezzie]

Hi Siani- it's Sezzie again. I totally can relate to you chick. Yep i reckon it's a great idea if we become friends! I have met one other person from New Zealand on this site- she's irish. She's awesome. She's having a rough time with life too. Anyway- it sounds like you have made such a good effort! I am really proud of you- i think you could teach me some lessons! I hard out threw up today. I haven't had any days of balanced eating for most of my life which ain't good. I'm realising that i need to stop this vomiting thing cause i started vomiting up blood the other day- now that's not a good sign, but i still haven't stopped it. I just felt so depressed that i had to do it. Big urges and big depressive thoughts! Does your family know about all your struggles? My family doesn't know about many of mine. They don't know that i went to hospital for taking three overdoses last year. They don't really know about how i urge to hurt myself some times and they don't really know about the bulimia i don't think. I'm 21- I think you said you were 15- you sound like such a bright person aye and with big adult probs. My mental illness crap started pretty young too- but it has been so severe for the last 2-3years! You know- you've inspired me to try and eat balanced meals- I'm going to try for one day tomorrow to eat 3 meals and then not throw up! it's going to be a mega mission for me and i'm in big self doubt mode at the moment but i should really try. I can hear "aww %#@&#! how the hell am i going to get through this" going through my head at the moment. Bugger it.
I do have some distant relatives in England but i only know them by photograph really. New Zealand's a great place. I love it anyway. I hate a lot inside myself though.
Today i went to my sisters graduation day- the lucky cow. I'm meant to be graduating from university next year- but i've kind of had to do it part time for a while- so i'll be there for ages. I'm studying DRUGS (pharmacy). I love it, but i feel a bit dodgy about it though because I love drugs a bit too much (if you know what i mean). I do like to experiment a bit here and there. I'm also the person likely to be found passed out on someone's couch at the end of a party or something. I'm glad that someone else is out there who i can chat to! So glad!!! I was feeling so overwhelmed the other day- like i had that gut feeling where i felt like i was going to hurt myself and that nothing could be right with me ever again, and then i found this site. It's been helpful.
Enough about me. What's happening with you at the mo? R u at school? (boring question i know- sorry). What's happening? Are your parents giving you crap about everything?- cause mine are giving me crap non-stop. I feel like such a big baby for not being able to cope with probs in some sort of rational way, but never mind. I reckon heaps of people in this world (probably everyone) has something about them or some time when they've been really f**ked up, so i suppose that kind of makes me feel better.
I'm going to ask- but you don't have to answer if you don't wana- but- how do you feel about the meds ur taking? (Just cause i'm interested in medications and caring about people) I know dat i really didn't wana take any in the first place and i was so resistant and so non compliant with all da meds i was offered! Just cause i'm studying about these things and really didn't find a lot of medications appealing. Bad huh. I'm just taking venlafaxine (Effexor) at the mo- doesn't seem to be making jack all of a difference! I ain't any more reasonable! I've taken quite a few other medications- but i screwed them all up! because i either missed weeks of taking them or i took an overdose of them and felt a bit weird! Woopsy- don't try that!
How's everything going- I'm just guessing that it maybe isn't going too good for ya at the mo cause you're a new member and also cause you've just been diagnosed with BP. Other than all of that- how are you feeling? Do you have enough help and support from the people around you? I honestly think that you are an intelligent chick and that you've been through a lot. I think it's all very scary. I also think that you are very admirable for all of this! Because you've been through so much it means that you can be very understanding of other people. I think all of your experiences can be put to use to help other people and i think you do show a strong quality. So hang in there!
I will post something tomorrow- and say whether i've been successful in my attempts to not b and p tomorrow. Kinda worried- because i'm feeling really depressed at the mo, but i'll give it a shot. If you've got anything you wana share just go for it! I don't mind if you wana have a big scream and a yell at me heh- cause i just wana hear how things are goin with you, and just hope the best for ya. I do think that you have a very strong mind and i do think that you can overcome what you need to. i do think you can change- of course it's going to be hard- but only the things that really matter in life are hard. I think you can use what you're going through to be an inspiration to others! Catch ya lata.

Love and hugs from Sezzie

[siani]

heya again sezzie! im so glad you replied.
well, my parents did know about my self harming, suicide attempts and eating disorder before, but before i relapsed on my self harming/depression i was only 10-12 so they dont know ive started again, a friend of the family (i call her my auntie but shes not realy, she has a horse that she lets me ride so i tell her everything) is the only one who knows, except a few of my closest friends who i have told, my auntie is the one who took me to the phychiatric ward when she started reading up on bi-polar. yes i go to school, i hate it, but my friends are great, except when they dont trust me for wearing long sleeves or arm warmers.

the ED started when my depression died down, i used to be (make sure your sitting down) 185 pounds, so when i dropped 80 pounds in about 10 months they worked it out, i was 13 and was put into hospital for 3 weeks because of it, then they started me eating today, i never reached my target weight, but because i was obese before they didnt want me to go too far. how long have you had an ED? and what were your weights? (sorry, you dont have to tell me, its just i like to know)

about the meds, i havent been put on anything for my bi-polar yet, because i have kidney/liver problems from a birth defect and im constantly on pain killers for my back (when i was 9 i chipped the top off 1 of my verterbre, i culd have been paralysed and fragments of the bone can touch my spinal chord and im in agony) so they need to find something that doesnt interfere with those two. are there any meds i should look out for not to take? i cant remember what i was taking for my depression before so i dont know if it will be the same.

i havent self harmer in 3 weeks (whoo go me) and i havent purged since thursday, but i havent eaten 3 set meals either, im gonna try that for the rest of the week! both of us should, 3 set meals, no purging and a totally 'normal' life! one day at a time, i suppose i better go grab some breakfast.

hopefully you will be able to get your parents off your back, and your alot happier, 3 set meals no purging remember! whoop!

i gotta get to school.... buhbye!

Siani x

[Sezzie]

Yuh hah- a totally normal life would be so great!!! Stay in school gurl. I need to tell that to myself as well- because i ain't hardly there and kind of thinking about dropping out big time. I think i will drop out- at least of this first semester anyway. I feel like such a loser!!! I really do hope i get to become a pharmacist one day- even if i am a really screwed up person. I feel stink that i wasn't able to not purge yesterday- I think there's about a 12 hour difference between our countries- i dunno. I'm awake during the night when i should be asleep- feeling hard out depressed, and asleep during the day and feeling depressed as well. Today i'm at uni- but probably gona drop out. I am so unhappy babe- but i'm glad that i have someone to talk to!!! I have only done some really pathetic self harming in the last few days, but i have felt like doing some pretty major stuff- but not gona do it hopefully. I just wana be normal- cause i just feel like i'm the craziest person in the pharmacy school- everyone else is like all these poofter rich bastards which always talk about nothing that's really important. Nobody there has actually really lived i don't think- and they mostly seem to have lived really sheltered lives. Myabe i'm just bein a cow for assuming all of these things- but it's just how it seems really. Feel so left out and so out of place! I think i would make a good pharmacist though- if i ever got to be one. It's just so stressful studyin and bein sick- and not bein able to concentrate etc blah blah blah.
Anyways- I was like above 100kg- possibly my max was about 110kg- what a bloody whale of a chick i was!!! (I think that's over 220pounds eek!!!). so yep- i've been the obese chick. Ouchies- it hurts aye. when i was 19 and at uni i decided that i really started to look after myself and become healthy so that i would actually be able to give people health advice and stuff- so i lost most of the weight in a pretty healthy way! Good on me heh- but when it got to the end i started bein really restrictive and was quite depressed cause after a while i put heaps of it back on and then lost it- put it back on etc I was a bit of a yo-yo. Now i'm about 65kg or something- i don't really know- but i'm just kind of not really eating and purging what i eat- so i may prob lose weight. I don't really care too much about the weight anymore- for me, it's more about hurting myself. Weird kind of way to hurt myself huh!!! I think you're doin really well with being in control- you've got through days and some weeks without the b and p-ing and the harming. Well done- honestly- it is an achievement!!! Today- I'm probably go see my GP and see if there's anything that can be really done- coz i went to my psychologist yesterday and she wasn't really dat helpful i don't think. what helped me to stop purging for four days about 2 weeks ago was this lady who was really supportive. I totally admire her and she's non-judgemental. It's a bit creepy though- because she knows how i am and all. She knows all about everything- my hospital visits. Like everything- whereas my parents have crap all of an idea. It's kinda bad though- coz she's a lecturer- I don't really know if that's a bad thing or a good thing- but at least i had someone to help me. She honestly really cared about me. What she did was make an appointment with me to see me each day at some point to just do a short check up. I thought it was real nice- coz she must be real busy and all! She also sent me a few really encouraging text messages during that time. I just thought after four days that it wasn't really fair on her to do that for me- so i kind of left it- even though she was the one that offered to do it in the first place. I didn't really wana tell her that i was feeling kinda self harming and suicidal and all- so i just kinda left it. I think she knows some people who can help me cause she used to work with a lot of depressed patients and all. I think she also worked with some people who had annorexia (one was 22kg- ouchies!!!). She did a pHD on stuff to do with anti-depressants and things so i've been totally interested and asking heaps of questions about that. I did work with her over my summer holidays over the last two years and we've gotten to know each other pretty well. But i've only just told her about all of this stuff that's so screwed up about me- otherwise she probably wouldn't let me do work with her. I ended up winning a research project to do- and that was awesome- coz i got paid heaps to do it and i've done work about diabetes and stuff to do with pharmacy. It was cool- but i still didn't feel happy at the time i was doin it- coz i have been depressed for so long- i think since childhood and prob younger!!! Anyway- i'm just tryin to think- is there anyone in your life that really inspires you that you could kind of get you to help you out??? your aunt sounds like a really good kind of a person and someone dat you can talk to! Gotta be totally trustable. I trust dat lady will be ethical enough not to tell anyone about what i told her- cause we learn all bout ethics and stuff at p school- so she won't. I've got to find someone dat can help me out like that on a daily basis. I know it sounds kind of babyish- but yep i admit i need that help. coz i was always the independent type and always expect myself to do everything and not need help, but now i know that i really need sum friggon help!!!
I haven't purged yet today and i did have breakfast- woo hoo me! i'm planning to maybe go and have lunch soon, try to do some study and go and see someone about the ulceration in my oesophagus etc ra ra ra.
It sounds as though you've been through a lot sweets and dat you have some really painful physical things goin on. Hang in there and look after yourself. I just kinda laughed then- cause i felt stupid giving out advice to 'look after yourself' when i can't even do it meself- hee hee- but i'm trying
Love and hugs from Sezzie

[Sezzie]

Aww %#@&#!. I just purged. Just when i said i was going to try not to- just did. It was only about an hour ago when i last posted that stuff as well!! good intentions went bad *cries*

[siani]

its okay sezzie!
i admit, i purged too, bloody failure. i had 3 meals but dinner was just too much, i had to purge it, for like an hour i felt really good aboiut getting the food out but then i remembered about promising you the 3 meals a day and no purging, so i went and cut myself. im so stupid.

i can trust my auntie alot, and i love her to pieces, but she works alot and i dont know if she will have time to text me or call me every day, she goes abroad alot too, shes a journalist you see, so she does work from home quite alot but she is always doing something, i wouldnt want to hurt her career. im glad youve found someone, im sure i will soon.

yesterday, oh it was so embarrasing, we had to watch this video about buliumia and anorexia, i was sitting there with the 2 girls that know about it in my class and they just kept nudging me, there was all this horrible stuff about choking on stuff and ulcers in your throat and stomach. i dont care about dying, but i dont want to have to go into hospital all the time, im very sorry about your throat problem, is there anything they can do?

im definatly gonna stay in school, i havent missed more than 2 weeks in secondary school which is great cause im doing my GCSE's at the moment, in junior school i was in hospital for 3 months after my second suicide attempt, how long have you missed of university?

ive got mock interviews today, i look so stupid, my school is no uniform, and im in a skirt, high heels, shirt, vest thing and a blazer, i look a laughing stock, i so wish i was your age.

i hope things get better for you, and me for that matter, im too nervous to eat anything this morning, cant blame me. sezzie you seem so cool, and even with your problems, a really nice person, i hope things get better for you, you really deserve it.

siani x

[Sezzie]

Hey Siani
You know what? I'm sure your aunty would rather help out her precious niece than %#@&#! off around the world and do career thingos! I'm sure she values you above all sweets. I definitely think dat you need to go to her and fully just confide in her. Just tell her that you really need her and that you really value all her help. I'm sure she will totally feel needed and appreciated. Just emphasise how much help you need! I'm sure dat she cares that much k. And if she doesn't i'll be suprised- or pissed off at her! If she really ain't able to help you that much- that could be ok also- maybe it just means that she really ain't equipped to deal with it enough though- even if she does love you to bits! I think we both just got to keep searchin for ppl dat can help us on a daily basis. I just think that we both physically need some people around us dat can help- coz i think that that's the only way really. We need some encouragement and some prodding on the back- like constantly- i know. And it's a really tough thing to ask of someone heh- but you can- and i'm sure that there's someone out there who does love and care for you enough to help you out of this. Just be selfish and ask people- you've got to do it for yourself. you've got to do it so you save your life! Be bold and don't really worry too much about who the frig says anything or what ever.
Those b*****s dat were nudging you today can go rot chick- coz they have no idea what it's like being bulimic and annorexic. They're just a bunch of no brainers. Don't worry about it. Don't be so hard on yourself either. Sorry- it kind of sounds like i'm telling you what to do and all by saying "don't do this", and "don't do that". Just because you promised that you wouldn't purge and all doesn't mean that i or anyone reading these posts thinks anything less of you. I think you have a very strong character. Truly i do. I think that it takes so much courage to face such problems with mental health like you have at such a young age. I think you are a very brave person and i think highly of you. I don't think you are a failure at all. I just think you are a human. The thing that is so great about you is that you haven't just given in. you keep getting back up and trying to stop it. You do keep fighting- even if you don't think you don't. You are brave sweets. K? This is going to sound dumb and you are probably going to think that i'm the massivest dickhead- but i think you should give yourself a pat on the back some times you know. I think that you should make the small successes that you have into triumphs- and then those small successes hopefully will turn into something bigger and so on. Till you build up to a place where you can just enjoy who you are!
I don't think that you should be embarassed about who knows that you're bulimic. Don't worry about that. Everyone's got their secret problems. EVERYONE DOES. I just think that you're brave enough to have yours out on display. I think that that's admirable. So just remember that everyone has a little part of who they are that's a bit stuffed up inside. To me you just sound like an open and honest person and that's not embarassing at all. Those are highly beautiful qualities k??? REMEMBER DAT!!!
I'm glad that you say that you're definitely going to stay in school because you sound like someone that should definitely be there- just because you're so intelligent! I think you know a lot about your condition and i think that you've seen a lot of life. I think that you've hurt a lot and possibly a lot more than some really fat old bastard adults have- and you're only just 15. I think it's great how you've been able to stick with school- even after those 3 months- you're back there and i bet that you're kicking *** at it too. Just give it your best. Go for it and enjoy it.
Just about your last comment on how you said something about blaming you for not eating- i totally don't blame you for anything. I think you are way too hard on yourself! I totally recognise all of this in myself. We both need to lighten up on ourselves.

I hope you find someone spesh to help you through all of this sweets- because you deserve a great life. Just dream about all the things you wana do in life and hold onto hope. I think that anyone who has a goal in their life can't fail. If there's something you really want out of life i don't think it's possible to fail. Yes- some times goals that you thought were really important seem to transform into others (which may be more achievable and enjoyable). What i'm trying to babble on about here is that i think that you should aim really high in life- but failing can lead to such great new exciting paths that you never thought possible! I know failing at things sounds terrible and scary- but some times it's great to fail. It just means that you're human- and that you've got something to try for on the next day. You don't have to be perfect. YOU REALLY DON'T. I'm sure that people just love you for who you are.

I just want to share one of my favorite hope sayings with yah and everyone:

"Great hopes make great men"
-Thomas Fuller - English divine and historian

I love that saying
Anyway- i hope your interviews went well today and i'll catch up with you later.
Just remember what i said- something a long the lines of that you need to grab someone by the balls (not literally) and get them to help you daily! A family member would probably be the most available. I dunno.

Love and hugs

-Sezzie-

[siani]

hey!
i'm sorry i haven't been around for so long!
i've been really busy!
i've got a job at a riding stables as well as school!
i've dropped like 18 pounds in the last 2 months.
i've started to restrict more and i do feel a lot better.
i'm really happy with how i look right now!
i got under my 112 barrier so it feels great!
loads of people have been saying i look so great, even my mum and teachers.
i'm really happy with all i've done
i've pulled my grades back up
i've got a girlfriend
i've got a great job
which means i can buy loads of cute clothes
and i've loast loads of weight
i'm really happy at the moment and i can control the binge and purge, restricting is easier for me.
thanks for all the help you gave me sezzie! i'll never forget it.
i don't want to be perfect anymore, i want to be me.
i hope your doing well!

[eskielover]

I know you guys have been posting back & forth.......thought I would put in my 2 cents from someone who has restricted....& can't stand to throw up, so bulimia isn't even an option....& only sometimes I use laxatives when I feel I have gained just too much more than I want.

I have to be honest though, I am going to be the voice of one that has to tell you what it is like to have to have medical treatment for becomming to thin & loosing too much weight. I am 5'2". My first time I lost alot of weight, I got down to 83 lbs. I had been on prozac & for some reason, it made me feel nausea & because I couldn't throw up, I would just not eat. No one even noticed my weight loss untill my husband pointed it out to my pdoc. By that time, I was passing out all the time. My insurance wouldn't cover an eating disorders center, but my pdoc found out that they had money for people who were very sick....I was stuck there for 1 month & didn't want or care to be there, but was forced to be there. Honestly, I didn't care if I lived or died.....it wouldn't be as much of a stigma on my family if I died from anorexia rather than an OD. I refused to change after leaving there, but everytime I passed out, my husband would call my GP & I would get stuck into the hospital. That always involved a Central Line & IV nutrition. That happened almost once a month....but I refused to gain weight. One central line punctured my lung & was stuck being treated for that on top of the nutrition......treatment to make sure that no blood clots would form in my legs. I don't know what turned things around, but I ended up gaining my weight back & over several years, I swong to way overweight while trying to deal with my migraines & then neck fusion to try to fix that (which didn't work). During that time, I also had a bad reaction to one of my psych meds & ended up dealing with the symptoms of parkinson's.

Once I found a pain specialist that was willing to prescribe the med that has now completely controlled my migraines (a high dose of narcotics), I could start functioning again & started training my dressage horse riding. With the exercise, the small amount I ate started my weight loss again at a safe slow rate. After about 1 year, I had lost quite a bit, & then came my mothers Dx of cancer, & I had a bad case of asthma caused from a forest fire smoke that landed me in the hospital. The smoke made me feel so much nausea that I couldn't eat again. My foal was born & got a serious injury at 3 weeks old which required my care 2 times/day. The stress & nausea that I couldn't get rid of caused me to really start loosing a massive amount of weight. Then I went through a horrible trauma when I caught the home care RN stealing my mothers ID & there was alot of threats involved in that & then after she OD'ed my mother on morphine & landed my mother back in the hospital, I was with my mother 24/7 especially after fearing that the RN might do something to me after I reported her to Adult Protective Services & the Police. I couldn't eat or drink without getting sick & my mother's cancer spread throughout her body. With that stress, I ended up getting down to 93 pounds. My GP initially had me hospitalized from my exhaustion.....then I ended up with anemia & malnutrition. The first try to treat me was with a PICC line & IV nutrition....but unfortunately, an infection/allergy, had to stop that treatment. I then had to leave the hospital for my mothers funeral & had to go AMA because the pdoc reported that if I wasn't treated immediately, I would end up dead in a couple of days. My GP looked the other way when I left the hospital so they didn't put the 72 hour hold on me that the pdoc required (this pdoc was from the hospital & not my own). After the funeral, I still was so sick I couldn't eat & ended up back in the hospital agreeing to have the central line & IV nutrition.

I swore when I was young that I would never get fat like my family, so not eating was my way of controlling my weight & after having gained so much weight I swore that would never happen again. So when I lost so much weight around my mothers death, I wanted to keep my weight there....I was continually passing out & when summer came & I was working on my dressage training with my horses for showing, I was continually having to go to the ER for IV fluids & would end up being put into the hospital overnight for observation. I finally decided to gain enough weight to be at my minimum safe weight. Any weight loss puts me low, but I can finally function & be fairly satisfied with my weight. It is no fun passing out everytime I turn around...& passing out in the shower was definitely dangerous. It is much better to be safe than sorry & the treatment for such low weight is definitely unpleasant....& sometimes couldn't be avoided.

Restriction vs bulimia are neither a good choice & I can't honestly tell you that either choice should be made. It is much better to choose a weight that you will be satisfied with & make sure that your Body Mass Index is at least at your minimum......you will be healther & won't have to go through treatment for anemia or malnutrition....it isn't being smart or cute....& looking like a skeleton....isn't attractive. Think about what you are doing to yourselves before proceeding down a path you will be sorry for in the future.

Debbie

[razeljenny]

Hi, I think that you are doing better to think that maybe you are closer to your goal this way by choosing food carefully and (restricting) Anyway I am happy with myself now and I did just that. Except for occasionally I stick with the plan of eating just small amounts of real healthy stuff and controlling myself. I understand you well. I binged and purged (especially) Got really thin but really UNHEALTHY!
So do this restricting but write down each meal you have eatten and maybe a few words about how you feel (I DID THAT)

Also, just be accepting of your (INNER CHILD-that means no puking or purging either-so be real sure you only eat a healthy smaller meal.)

Just believe in yourself, with your Bi-polor. I DID IT AND SO CAN YOU>

The important thing to remember is just not to let the gain of weight hit your ribs too much but other than numbers on the scale, If I WERE YOU I WOULD JUST THROW OUT MY SCALE . Try to be very GOOD to your INNER CHILD because she is all that matters, not the numbers on the scale or how crummy you want to beat on yourself for eating and feeling sorta full in your tum tum. (COME ON YOU CAN LIVE WITH A LITTLE FULL TUM TUM ONCE A DAY - aw it aint gonna hurt nothin) I love ya and you hang in there you pretty thing. YOU ARE PRETTY Yes watch what you eat- eat small meals a bunch of times a day and DON"T throw up or do the other thing anymore. You are a success. I did it and have proof. I feel like my ideal weight and am going strong. Hang in there. LOve RAZEL

[razeljenny]

I agree with ESKIELover also. I meant that choosing carefully but eating alot of small healthy meals. Restricting totally, no, just try to make yourself eat a bunch of healthy stuff that's definately healthy but low carb. Anyway just do it. You can do it. I really believe that women are really strong and I mean it. We are so lucky to have eachother. Do you realize how much potential that you have? I was weighing 199 a couple of years ago due to a medication I had to take for my bi-polor. Get in touch with me if you want to discuss this. LOve Razel Please only do what is right. You can do it.

[siani]

thanks you two! you rock, what you siad debbie kinda got me, about the choosing a weight, i had chosen 9-odd pounds, but now that i am at 110-112 i don't like the fact people stare when i get changed and my girlfriend always moans about my hips and ribs sticking out a bit, i don't think i want to loose anymore weight now, i just want to control it, and thats what i need help on. thanks for what you siad razel, i will throw out my scales, and my tape measures (for measuring my waist/hips etc) and all the other stuff, i have been fainting a couple of times recently, and it's scary, i ride horses too, i work at a stables and have to exercise this really big horse called sampson, he's 18.1 hh, so i'm so scared if i faint and fall on him that i will get hurt, badly. could any of you help me out on a weekly food and exercise plan for keeping my weight at between 105 and 115 please....?
siani x
p.s. thanks again.

[razeljenny]

a sample of one of my days for maintaining my weight

A.M.
Coffee
In Blender 3 tbsp Soy isolate powder
3 tbsp or to tastesplenda or sugar or honey
two washed sticks of celery
3 tbsp ground flax seed meal
one half cup of favorite fruit
Chocolate or flavoring of choice
1 tbsp of Nutritional Yeast
FILL with enough water or Sunny Delight or juice
Blend with 2 icecubes and after blended drink

Lunch each day
Green salad with sunflower seeds on it and french or favorite non milk containing dressing
(or if you prefer mix a blended shake-thus a quick salad shake without the dressing plus 3 tbsp of soy isoluate powder, add 1 tbsp of alfalfa powder, 2 tbsp of ground flax powder and 3 tbsp Goto Kola powder some tomatoe juice, or water (Since it is green-don't drink this infront of freaky freinds who WILL COMMENT that it is gross looking)

Dinner
I have cut out wheat most of the time
but a pasta with marinara is ok

or better is for me to make a delightful large salmon salad with chopped up celery, celery seed spice, good quality mayonaise and tbsp of hemp seed oil or flax seed oil or just some flax meal added into it, paprika and fresh parsley (such as and similar to a greatly made tuna salad mixture, but tuna was found to have too much mercury so I quit using it) I put my salmon salad on a couple of huge lettuce leafs. Some tomatoe soup maybe with it. and a glass of my favorite juice. A sample of my maintaining day.

In between meals I eat smaller meals at school, like nibble on planters peanuts, plain sunflower seeds out of the shell, almonds if I can afford them, all unsalted. I take pieces of fruit when I can and I do like plain coffee and started to drink cold green tea which I make at home and carry with me and sweeten with sugar or mix it with Tampico Juice in a bottle that I carry. I get herbs on Herbalcom.com when I want to. First of all, EACH DAY BEFORE I GET OUT OF BED I TELL MYSELF 'I LOVE YOU RAZEL' AND WE GIRLS SHOULD TELL OURSELVES WE LOVE OURSELF BECAUSE IT MATTERS.

Did you know that fat weights very little if anything in the body?

when I was hospitalized for my eating problems at a treatment facility that works specifically with eating disorders we had many groups and educational classes and I was amazed at what I found out -

They demonstrated fat weight vs. muscle and ordans and so on by taking a piece of meat with a rim of fat to represent the body and fat cells and weighed that meat at 2 pounds and then had us cut that fat layer off and weight it again. the meat still weighted 2 pounds. then we were told to cut a chunk of the meat out and weight it and the meat weighed less.

Then they told us that restricting food actually causes the body to store all intake of food as pockets of fat cells. The fat cell pockets arent visible all the time but you can feel them by running your hands over the legs arms and so on. they feel like lumps that are a bit harder then the rest of the the surrounding area. The body automatically goes into "survival mode" when food and liquids are not going into the body to keep the body funtioning by storing and rationing the stored food and water. once the fat pockets are gone the body basically takes food and water from the organs and muscles to put in the fat cells for rationing out. Basically at this point the body is eating itself by converting muscle and so on into food in order for the person to continue to live.

I also found out that its eating more that allows the body to lose weight.

We got weighted in and our fat pockets on one area of the body measured and marked with permanent marker then allowed to restrict our food for one week eating however we normally did. at the end of that week we were weighted in. Yea I lost weight but when it came time to measure the fat pockets that were circled and marked Those fat pockets had actually increased.

Then I was put on a normal three meals a day nutricianal plan but that same amount of food was broken up into 6 meals.

at the end of the week I had again lost weight this time double the amount that I lost by restricting my food intake AND the marked fat cell pockets had also decreased both in number and size.

By taking normal nutricianal three meals a day and spitting that amount of food into many meals ate throughout the day the bodys system is tricked into believing that there is now an over abundance of food intake and stops storing anything as fat cells for reserving and rationing to keep the body alive.

So now when I want to lose weight I split the amount of food I would normally eat into more meals scattered throughout the day.

I am 5'1 and weight in at 140 when my weight is that of my physicians weight / height chart.

Right now I weigh 150. by eating more and sticking with my normal walking for one hour a day I lost 10 pounds in the past month. my target weight 145. that way I won't be listed as being anerexic on my medical files - regardless of the reason - health related or actively trying to lose weight a person is medically considered anerexic if their weight falls below one forth the weight of the physicians height and weight chart.

[razeljenny]

MYSELF, I would agree with you that eating regular food more often in smaller amounts it much better than any diet. Fat comes on more when one eats less calories, that is for sure, I agree with that. My best days are days that I eat regular food. razel

[siani]

thanks for your meal plan razel! thats great, i just have to cut out all the seeds and nuts and the salmon, cause i'm allergic to seeds and nuts and i'm a vegetarian, i suppose if i swap the salmon for quorn chicken which is really low in fat and high in protein then it will be just as good. thank you so much, i will go out and get all of that! is there any special exercise that you do razel or myself? i could really do with a new exerice thing, i think i over exercise now,
i do an exercise video every night for 2 hours,
i jog for an hour every other night,
i walk to and home from school which is 2 miles each way 5 times a week,
i do horseriding for 5 hours a week,
i do trampoleining for 3 hours a week,
i do swiming for 3 hours every other day,
and i do 50 sit ups, 50 step-up's and 50 squat thrusts every night and morning
i have 3 hours PE at school every week,
i do aerobics 2 lunch times a week
netball after school twice a week
athletics one lunch time and once after school.
if anyone could help me out on a new exercise plan that would be great. i want to maintain my weight now, i wanted to be at 95 pounds, but i would be put into hospital for sure and i can't take that chance, a normal weight for my height should be 163-122 pounds, so the average is 142, a quarter of that is 36 pounds and that means if i get lower than 106-ish pounds they will put me in hospital. so i need to keep this weight, not dropping to below 106 at any time. i really need your help, becauise even if i est properly again you guys have said i will loose more weight so should i stop exercising or what? i don't know what to do. i don't want to go to hospital. sorry.

siani

[razeljenny]

Siani, You did good describing the plan that you have and that is wonderful. If you exert the effort with your eating the little many meals chock full of healthy stuff I do believe You CAN be A COMPLETE success STORY. Mind you Siani, Work it will be for you and for "ME' too because I am like you with love of exercise; yet the two of US shall continue FEEDING OURSELVES; we are going to feed ourself a bunch of little healthy meals to power our motors. That is going to mean for US, we need to get a carry bag to put our healthy goodie into, (we both have to get a lunch bag) So Siani, do you want to try this with me? I will eat, (even when I could care less to eat) if you will too? How does that sound? I seriously don't really like food all that much, and i am kind of serious..........der.... So, I went to the store and got some food the day before yesterday and now every two or three hours, I EAT alittle bit. Man Anyway please comment back to me when ever you can. Oh by the way, my favorite dressing for salad lately has become "Caesar," Oh by the way. I just bought a alfalfa sprouter thingie at the store. Anyway, I got to figure out how it works and will put some on my meal sometime. Anyway luv ya.

[vivir]

Holy Crap Girl...I got tired just reading what you do all week!!!!...could you bottle some of that energy for me???? :O))))...If you can do all that, you can certainly get yourself into a good healthy eating pattern.

You Go Girl!

[siani]

thank you everyone, i went shopping yesterday, and i bought some food, i had to keep checking the fat content and calories whilst i was shopping but i still did it and i have been eating, i bought a couple of bags of salad, lots of fruit and vegetables and some quorn. and i ate half a quorn fillet and a little bit of salad yesterday, this morning i had an apple. and i haven't purged, i feel kinda proud of myself, a little bloated, i've been restricting almost fully for the last few days so this is good. i'm still exercising alot though, i'm not in school so i don't walk to school, do the lunchtime or after school activities. i've started running for an hour and a half every night and swimming for 4 hours a day to make up with it, also 100 sit-ups, step-ups and squat thrusts instead of 50 and i ride 3 times a week instead of 2 so thats 7 and a half hours. i don't know what a normal exercise reqieme is, i need to know what a normal person does so i can base mine around that. any help?

[razeljenny]

I want you to know, I am proud of you for the last message of when you told us about you grocery shopping and the meal you prepared; good for you. Also, I will go to the gym later on today, but it is airconditioned in there and am glad for that. Staying cool is my big recommendation for this week Siani. I know how much you like to work out and think that getting hydrated, staying cool and again, I mention the eating of the volumes of "GOOD Healthy Stuff" Other than that, I see improveing. If you are staying happy and I am staying happy- good. Keeping the body cool, hydrated, rested properly, getting emotional recreation (ie. going to the mall, going to the movie theatre, dating a good looking hunk and stealing kisses and being held, are equal necessities. Thankyou for letting me share this morning and good day Si. Luv razel

[razeljenny]

You asked about a formation suggestion from others.

Here's mine from a day at Y
arrive 10 Am
Drinking bottle with iced water with me
get on olipitical Proquest adjust to uphill
move arms full range move legs forward do this about 1 hour

50 sit ups

Leg press biggest pounds about 90 to 100
Lower leg lift press 70 to 90 with 15 reps than repeat till tired usually 12 times. (also cool to go from 90 lbs and lower weight-just a trick I do for gradually building smoothe durations

30 to 42 arm lift weights 7 to 12 reps

Stand at wall and do lunges and stretches for 15 minutes

get on leg stretch machine and do a 110 open leg pull for as long as possible (14 to 17 minutes- read something) Also great time to grab toes and pull a tight stretch (feels greeeaatttttt- wow)

Anyway
I goe back to a olipitical or run on the treadmill for maybe 1 half hour. I then go to the sauna pool room and streathch and rest and meditate.

I go to exercise bike and ride it on low for up to 40 minutes and than do a yoga cobblers pose for a long time meditating and closing eyes.

I go home, turn on the central air, I eat a big salad with fish

I make a blender drink with some healing herbs such as green tea powder and a lot of sugar blended in and lay across the couch and I watch the News than I read about Ancient History and Archeology and than go to my support groups if I want to or visit here as well. Luv Razel Hope that helped lovie Just a day in the life and they always are different. depending on me and feeling Love Razeljenny what do you think lovie?

[siani]

wow, your exersise programme is almost professional! i'm saving up for a exercise bike at the moment, i nearly have the money, a few more days work and i can go buy it, i can't get a gym membership because i'm only 15 unless my mum joins and goes with me all the time as well, and i don't think that's gonna happen.

i am making sure i drink plenty of water lately (now i've started eating i don't drink for meals and can sometimes get dehydrated) it's been 32 oC out here, which is like 95 degrees for you guys, and for england thats hot.

i am going to take some tips from your training programme like the stretches against the wall and the yoga pose whilst meditating.

thanks a lot! you are a total diamond and i don't know what i would do without you!

[Sezzie]

Hey chick,

i'm doing ok. I still haven't gotten over the whole binge and purge thingo. i can't be screwed with the whole restricting thing. It's true though that bingeing and purging doesn't work. I think I've put on some weight or stayed the same. I'm glad that you are feeling much happier. I hope you don't get too hung up on the whole restricting thing because that can be a real nightmare too. I'm so glad for you that you want to be yourself. I want to be myself too, just a better version of myself. It's good dat school is goin good for you because you do sound like a smart chick. I'm doing ok, but still feeling a bit suicidal here and there. I haven't been on this site for ages, I'm sorry I neglected you. I got some jobs as well. I work for Auckland Uni as a research assisstant and in a pharmacy, helping with dispensing. I'm doin ok but my head is still a bit f**ked up. I hope I'll get through all this crap! My parents found out about the whole bulimia thing and my mum gave me so much %#@&#! about it! Dat wasn't cool. I wish that i didn't do the whole vomiting thing because I just feel so horrible afterwards. Anyways, I'm back at uni, trying to learn stuff about drugs. I went to a big as mental health conference in Wellington and learned heaps about all da issues and stuff. That was bloody awesome. How do I get out of feeling like doing damage to myself sweets? How are you getting by? Anyway, I miss the conversation that we did have.

Chow for now,

Love from Sezzie