T

I am so sad

The session started out okay. He did read my e-mail and he said that he opened himself up to wondering if HE was avoiding the CSA topic for some reason. He admitted that it is hard for him when we talk about it - his daughter is around the same age I was when it happened, and there is the whole transference thing. And he said he likes me, and it's hard to hear what happened, and how much it hurt me. I told him that I feel like I have had to fight to talk about it, and that it's hard enough to fight myself about talking about it without fighting him too. Like it feels like SUCH an uphill battle. He talked about the times he feels really open to it - like when I brought in the letter - and that those times feel sacred. But I told him that I try not to think about in my normal life, so sometimes it might not be "there" right when I walk in the room...it might come up 15 minutes into session, and I need him to be able to go there with me. So all of that was good, I guess.

He brought the white noise machine into the room from the hall at the beginning of session so the triggery voices outside the room wouldn't be so loud. That was good too.

But I don't know. I got soooooooooooooooooooooooooo drifty and couldn't "stay" in the room and I felt really dizzy and spinny and alone. I put my feet on the floor like he always tells me to, but it didn't help. I told him what was going on - my heart was racing and the room was tippy and I felt like I was going to throw up. He was like "what do you need?" and I didn't KNOW and it was frustrating.

And about 15 minutes before the end of session, I wanted him to come and sit with me, but he won't do it unless I ASK. I didn't want to ask. I just wanted him to come over. I asked him "why won't you come over unless I ask" and he said something about being care - ful. I hate when he says that. And we talked about it a little. I said that he wants me to do everything at once - know how to stay present without any help, be willing to work hard to talk about how I heard what he said and to reconnect, ask to have my needs met. I just wanted him to give me a BREAK. To give me something he KNEW I needed without me saying the words.

I told him I just want him to meet my needs sometimes without me having to come out and ask. He asked when that didn't happen for me in the past. I told him it never happened for me. And he nodded and said that's what good parents are supposed to do. And it opened up this giant, yawning, empty, PAINFUL hole in me and made me cry. And then session was over.

Maybe that's how therapy is supposed to go. Maybe T is supposed to make us feel this big pain and then leave us to deal with it. I thought (and T told me) that part of therapy was getting kind of a re-do...to have things turn out differently than it did in the past. But it didn't turn out differently. It just left me with this big, empty PAIN inside. I wrote him a check, and left, crying, without saying anything. He called "see you Tuesday" as I walked out.

I don't know what I'm doing I'm not calling him for a message, so he won't leave one. It just seems pointless. Everything seems pointless. It just feels like so, so, so, SO much hard work, for nothing sometimes.

T talked about how hard this summer has been because the CSA stuff came up at the same time as our endless cycle of breaks and vacation. So there is this constant cycle of working hard to reconnect, to feel safe enough to go back to the CSA stuff, to delve into it, and then to have another break and have to do the whole thing again. I just don't feel like I can DO it anymore.

And it makes me sad and frustrated because T is the one who came up with us sitting together as a way to connect. It always works. And it's been so hard to connect and break and connect and break and I just needed him to give me that one thing - after I had worked REALLY HARD to tell him why things are hard, and how I heard him on Tuesday, and what that brought up for me, and evertyhing - and he wouldn't give it to me.

I don't even want to go back

Go back, tree. You are doing hard work, and I think it is working. I think your T sounds good, too. He can't be perfect.

((((((treehouse))))))

Poor Tree.

You are working so hard! Please go back on Tuesday, and pamper yourself this weekend - do allow yourself a break from thinking about it 24/7 (and I need to do that as well at time!). It gets overwhelming to constantly be re-doing and re-living the past. Maybe it's better if you and T have a really light session on Tuesday and just focus on reconnecting, nothing else.

Hang in there, Tree!

Sometimes it does hurt when you leave. I think you need to keep working through this, as hard as it is, because I think you are doing some really useful work right now. It's hard to acknowledge the limitations other people have, especially for me. I've had that yawning, empty chasm of pain when I left T, and other times I've left and felt cared for. I think it's all part of the attachment work we do, and speaks a lot to what we missed early on in life. It's so, so, tough though. Keep going, you're doing great!

Treehouse, As clichéd as it sounds I do feel your pain...those moments when we so want T to touch us, hug us, take it all away...but from my own experience of these moments, it has to be felt...if T were to intervene at a crucial moment, you'd just have the pain stuffed down again.....at times I've looked at T and said this is torture....the silence is unbearable....and T says is that what you think is happening? could it be that we are both sitting here together...I with you???....but that doesn't seem enought....I want to run and jump at her...scream take it away....but that would just be a moment...what about all the other times my past continues to haunt me....it lives within me as energy...it has to be almost exocisted...but the pain in going back...the pain in having to be the one to say what it is they are feeling/wanting/needing...it all feels so hopeless....so painful.....more painful than words can say....but I don't know how it works...but it does....and with time it gets easier...your able to feel the pain and speak the words and rant and protest and feel that you are being heard.....then one day a situation in normal life comes up and it somehow reminds you off how much you are being heard/"held" by T....you realise you have this new inner strenght that makes the daily living much more managable....I tell ya...therapy ain't for sissys LOL!!

((((((((((((((( dear treehouse ))))))))))))))))

when I read your post I kept remembering the strong place you were in last week - I think it was more than a break for you, it was a REST and that is a very good thing - there is still work to do, but you are stronger now even if you don't know it. Please don't think about quitting. remember... she said, becoming a real pain... when you are down or upset, MAKE NO CHANGES......

others have given you wonderful supporting words and I echo them too; I too hurt for your pain and wish you peace.

PS - was very glad to hear that yr T brought in a white noise machine to minimize the outside voices. I saw that as very thoughtful, he tries to take good care of you.

I know it's really hard, but why didn't you just ask for what you needed? You could have gotten what you need if you had. When you were little, you were helpless and the people who were supposed to meet your needs without you asking didn't do that. But now you have the power to ask for what you want and need, and perhaps that is why T is not doing what you want unless you ask. Maybe he is trying to help you see that you are no longer powerless. It's great when people somehow know when you need something and just do it, but that gives them the power. Plus, they would only be guessing because no one can possibly know what you really want or need unless you tell them.

take good care tree

I don't know That something I think I'm pretty good at doing with T, usually...and it was a big learning process to get to that point.

I guess this summer has been SO HARD - dredging up all of this CSA stuff and then working through all of these breaks/reconnections - it's just WORK, and it's painful, and I'm tired of it. I worked SO hard between sessions to try to figure out why I reacted so strongly to something he said on Tuesday, and I went in and was grown up and super honest and open and told him how I felt, and listened to his point of view and just TRIED to do my part to mend the rupture. And then I got all drifty, and worked really hard to pull myself out of that without his help. And we talked about how much I've had to fight to be able to talk about the CSA...and truly, he *knew* what I was asking for and it just felt like he could just give me what I needed, and he didn't. I just needed him to give me a break right then.

Why is it so difficult to do that indeed? I struggle with it all the time! I had to reschedule an appt. with T - I started to say that I would prefer an afternoon appointment and then stopped myself and told her I was flexible. T said, "No, what were you going to say?" She made me tell her what I needed. Granted, this is nothing like what you needed from your T, tree - just saying that I don't know why it's so hard to tell T what we need, but it is!

Treehouse, I'm sorry you had such a hard session.

With regard to the part about you having a need and him refusing to meet it unless you asked for it, and instead wanting to talk about the pain of not having that need met in the past - that exact scenario has led to some of my worst times in therapy. All I can say is that if they all do it, even the really considerate ones like yours (and mine), it must be some kind of therapeutic technique rather than a lack of caring. I wish I understood it better, but I know that it's very painful in the moment. Take care of yourself.

Ugh, I am SO unhappy. I am just so so sad, and have been on the verge of tears since my appt. I had to come home and do homeschool with my boys, so we did that, but I was feeling so impatient with them. I don't want to be lost in my bad feelings and not be a good mom

So, I did leave a message for T. Blah - I kind of hate that I did it, and I really just did it hoping that SOMETHING he would say would make me feel a little better. We'll see.

I told him how hard this summer has been. I decided on May 1 to try to stop using any bad coping skills, and I've done really well, but it's been hard. That, by itself, would have made it a really hard summer. And then throw in this CSA crap (that is making me physically SICK today) and all of the disconnect with T and I'm just WORN OUT and sad and I almost feel like I can't go ON with therapy anymore. It's just too hard, and I'm too weak, or stupid, or something, to DO it. I just can't do it. I can't.

And I told T that I know the CSA wouldn't have happened if my parents had been paying attention ("meeting my needs"), and that makes me feel...I don't even have words for it. And if my mom hadn't been beating the **** out of me and threatening to kill me if I told, maybe I would have been able to tell someone about the CSA. I was even taken to the DOCTOR and had an EXAM (like when you go to the gyno) and I was FOUR OR FIVE YEARS OLD and STILL NOTHING WAS DONE. WTF?

So, I am sick of not having my needs met. I'm sick that it happened when I was little, and I'm sick of it now. I ask, ask, ask, ask ALL the time in T, and he really is awesome and gives me almost anything I ask for and I know I'm really lucky. But I just want something TO BE EASY FOR A MINUTE. I just wanted that one thing.

((((tree))))

I understand the pain of wanting something from your T so badly, but wanting him to do it without you asking. My first T was psychodynamic, so she and I had a close connection. But she used to tell me that she was not a mind reader. She wanted me to be able to tell her what I wanted.

In real life, we usually don't get what we want without asking for it because people are not mind-readers. I know it seems cruel, but I think your T is showing you how you have to act with others if you want them to nurture you. It's a skill that we all need! I wish that my H would know when I want a hug, but he doesn't. If I don't ask, I don't get.

I also can see how very HARD you are working in therapy. This is the nitty-gritty of therapy, and I found that there was no way AROUND it. I just had to go THROUGH it.

You are doing great!!

Sounds like you really needed a friend to lean on at that very moment and instead you got a therapist.

Not that it's a bad thing, to have T show up, but I can certainly understand the disappointment. It would be helpful to our healing if someone were to do something like offer a hug in a time of need because THEY WANT TO, not because you asked them too.

When I was a little girl, I asked God to save me. It was what I needed and it would've been nice if he just did it. He never did hear me but I kept asking. I did eventually stop when I turned 12.

I have no words of wisdom, tree. But I get it. I really do.

T called and left me a FIVE MINUTE message

He basically said that he knows I am frustrated and angry and he said he is really frustrated too. That this is hard and we can't get our arms around it. He said he knows I have been working really, really hard and that I just want to feel better...NOW. He said that we are having a hard time getting back to being connected after all of these breaks, but that we will keep working (and he said he knows I am sick of working so hard). So, I guess we are frustrated together.

And he said that he was really glad I decided to call, and that he was sorry that I didn't get my needs met in session, and that it sucked. And that his feelings about me, and working with me, haven't changed, and that he's not going anywhere.

I think we're going to touch base on the phone tomorrow.

I really DO want to feel better, now.

The thing is, T has always been SO caring and gentle with me. I have no doubt that in the past he would have offered to sit with me. So, I'm basically spoiled.

It's been a long time since he had to offer...but the stuff we are doing is so hard...working on giving up bad coping skills, AND staying present in session, AND the CSA stuff, AND the breaks/ruptures/reconnecting...and in the midst of all of that, he has decided this is a time to "push me" in other areas. It's a bit much.

I think he gets that now. I hate times like this in T.

I think your T is making you reprocess what has happened. It's necessary if your goal is to heal. You have to look at it from as many angles as you can, process all the emotions that are associated with the trauma in a healthy way, then slowly start to get over it. It's a sucky and painful process..... but I think you're doing great.

(((((treehouse))))) Oh, so painful. Some have suggested that T is not giving you what you need unless you ask because he wants you to learn to do that, but you wrote above that he is doing it to be careful. Do you know what he means by that? Does it mean he is very aware about the boundaries between therapists and clients and doesn't want to cross one? If a client asks to have a hand held, it is different from if he initiates? In the latter case, he might see himself as doing something unwanted to a client and he wants to be absolutely sure that he is providing something the client wants? In that sense, he is being very respectful of your boundaries. I know it hurts, but it sounds like he is just very cautious. He may have had a bad experience where he tried to touch a client and the client did not want it at all, and so he is super respectful now. Maybe? I know it hurts.

I would not be able to ask for a hand or a hug from my T, treehouse. It would be way too painful. There was a time once a few months ago, when I was with T at a meeting, and it was going badly, and we had a break and T and I were alone and he just put his arm around me and gave me a hug without my saying a word. Later I told him how wonderful that was, as I wanted him to know he had done something so helpful. I don't know why they don't do that more often, but I think it is probably that they are trying to be very respectful of boundaries. If they are indeed not giving a hug or a hand just to teach us to ask for it, that seems rather cruel. I can see the logic, but it still feels bad to me.

Treehouse, could you get the comfort you need without having to ask for it from someone else in your life? Does your H give that without being asked? It might feel good to get that from someone, if it is something T cannot provide.

((((((((((((sunny))))))))))))

Not really. Well, maybe a little. Before we had ANY physical contact in therapy, there was a lot of talking about it. I think he wants to make sure we are on the same page, I feel safe, etc.

I guess what hurt is that he HAS offered in the past, but he didn't today, and I really just needed him to. I KNEW I could ask, and he would come over and sit with me, 100% for sure, and I am really good at asking for things usually, but I just couldn't. But I asked why he wouldn't sit with me unless I asked, so he knew what I was wanting. It almost felt like a power struggle, at a really stupid and unhelpful time. He said he was sorry in the message he left for me. And I know he is, and it will be fine. But still, it just hurt.

He does always offer a hug (I don't have to ask). Not today, because I stood up and walked out of the room before he could get up and offer. But usually.

So.

It sounds like maybe someone complained. Maybe they felt uncomfortable turning it down but really didn't want it either. Try telling him you don't mind as a ground rule and see if it helps.

((((Tree))))

I know it is so hard.

(((((((((tree)))))))))

i'm so sorry your session didn't go better. it sounds like it was so hard but i'm glad you did call and it sounds like you and t are getting back to a better place.

tree, this is just a random thought but i wonder if it could be because of the subject matter that you are dealing with why t wants to be extra careful about physical contact right now. i don't know, but he could be concerned that any overture on his part might trigger you somehow.

maybe you can talk to him about this and prioritize together what is most important to deal with right now. this does sound like an awful lot to take on all at once. slowing down a bit might speed things up in the long run or at least make the everyday a bit easier to handle.

i think the way you have learned to communicate with t is nothing short of miraculous. if i ever learn to do it 1/10 as well as you do i'll probably be amazed.

((((((Treehouse))))))

I'm so glad you asked T to call. And I'm glad the phone call helped. This process is hard, but you're sticking with it. We're here with you!

(((treee)))

This line struck me. My T would ask me..."What would make it easy? or What would you need to make this easier?"

I know that on a general level you want to have this stuff behind you and healed, but what specifically do you need from T *right now* to help make this easier? I know you can ask T to sit next to you and he would, and I know you've done that in the past -- so what stopped you from asking this time around?

Just a thought I had. Reading your post I could almost hear my T's voice asking that question, so I wanted to share.

You are doing phenomenal...can I just say that. No bad coping mechanisms, and you're dealing with the toughest topic imaginable. Hang in there.

Those are the exact questions my T would ask if I said that in session...

I don't know what stopped me from asking. I REALLY don't. Maybe I just wanted to be given something for free for all of the hard work I'm doing. Just some kind of encouragement to keep going.

OR, maybe....(I hate to even think this)...as much as I think I want to be connected, there is a part of me pushing the connection away. Ugh. I hate to even think that. But trust is so so so so hard for me, and it's always been a huge struggle for me in therapy. And truly, once we are done with this struggle - the struggle to reconnect - there we are, back in the CSA stuff. I don't want to go there. So maybe, I am keeping us stuck so we won't ever be able to go there.

I mean, I don't think T is that different this week than he's been for the 21 months I've been seeing him...but it seems like everything that comes out of his mouth makes me angry or hurts my feelings or snaps my walls up. I know that has to be coming from me...and even though I am doing my part to reconnect, I don't think I will allow us to really go all the way there.

I think in session yesterday, when everything got drifty and tippy and spinny it was right when we had a moment of realizing that the reconnection was happening. Then I dissed out for a while and then I didn't ask him to sit by me and now here we are. BLAH.

This sucks. I can't win. I don't want to get into the CSA stuff, but it is pushing at me. It seems like the only way to keep it away is by picking a fight with T I love T I hate this.

What are you afraid of happening if you don't pick a fight with T?
What would happen if you were able to reconnect with him?

I also had another thought -- what if you aren't trying to 'reconnect', but maybe this is the first time the little one is trying to connect with T. Yes, you've been seeing him for 21 months so part of you knows how compassionate he is...but is it possible that the part of you that needs to heal the CSA stuff has never been able to connect with T?

Which, of course brings me back to...what would make it easier for that part of you to connect?

((((treehouse))) (((little tree)))

Such amazing work...so brave to even be able to write about all of this here.

Many safe hugs for you!