Loving myself

After responding to Tree's thread about self-care a lot came up for me. These awful, deep feelings that keep me stuck in either subtle self-hatred or even behaviors that are more overtly self-hating.

I am unworthy of love, I am no one, who cares about me, eveyone else is more important, I am selfish, I should shut-up, I should go away, I should make myself disappear, I dont matter, my body doesnt matter, dont compete with me or I'll kill you, you (I) should be destroyed, you are selfish to need anything, caring in this world is for other people, not for you, you are here to make everyone else happy, food is dangerous, food is for other people to enjoy, my body is dangerous, I have no power, I have too much power, I am not capable, other people know better, I will always make a mistake, my judgement is not to be trusted, I am sick and crazy, I dont belong in this world, I dont belong in my skin, fun is for other people, shut up and dont laugh, be quiet, dont show you are here, anger is dangerous, sadness is dangerous, happiness is dangeorus, never feel hurt or you'll feel more hurt, you are too selfish to enjoy anyone or anything, enjoyment is indulgent, I ought to be ashamed of myself for thinking I deserve what other, real people have, no one will love who you really are, no one will ever undertand how you really feel, I am unworthy of loving touch, that is for real people, I am a fake.

How can I move on with all of this going on in some way? I can overcompensate for these feelings- I know how to make friends, look decent, act "as if", have a husband and family, get an eduction, just generally live a life, but behind all of this "life" is a deep feeling of being unworthy of it all and being a fake. I also, like Tree, cant consistently believe the positives about myself for any real length of time. All of the deep, childhood messages I was given verbally, but I think very much non-verbally and very, very young are living inside of me.

As I said, it is what keeps me stuck and fearful of moving on.

(((((Blue))))),

Your post is sad, insightful, and poignant. It is so sad that you learned such negative messages during your childhood. I wish I could erase all of that bad stuff for you so you could start over.

I think it takes time, and lots of therapy. We on PC could say how wonderful you are, and how much you deserve to be loved, but will you believe us? With the help of ftt, I think you will be able to unlearn some of those past messages and replace them with positive ones.

Something simple that I do when I remember is to smile at yourself when you look in the mirror, and even say "I love you" to yourself. Sounds silly, but it helps me.

You're worthy of loving yourself just because you're you. I'm going to PM something about it.

It was in counteracting all those negative beliefs about myself that I found CBT to be most helpful. Those mistaken beliefs we have about ourselves are deep-rooted and go back a long way.

My therapist really loves the book, The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, especially the two chapters kind of in the middle. One is on mistaken beliefs and the other one . . . I can't quite remember of the top of my head. The book has you take an inventory of your mistaken beliefs and has you test each on up against some very pointed questions about the origins of those beliefs and their usefulness today. (Sorry, I don't have the book in front of me, so I can't quite remember how it all goes.)

Journalling and talking through those mistaken beliefs was really beneficial. I was able to challenge the rationality of my beliefs and form new healthy beliefs to put in their place. It took a long time, but that is where our focus was in therapy for many months.

I've learned that my beliefs were not rational at all. I learned to let myself off the hook and have the same standards for myself as I do for anyone else, not harder unreasonable standards. I learned to stop insulting myself. I've gained autonomy. I am a person of individual freedom and power. I've learned to stop my thoughts when they are destructive and irrational. I mean, sometimes I literally tell myself, "STOP!"

All of the things you listed above are beliefs, thoughts, not feelings. You really believe these things. You need to hold them up to the light ask yourself if they are really true. What evidence do you have that they are true? You're going to find there is no evidence. Your thoughts and beliefs simply aren't rational. You can change your thoughts very deliberately if you choose to work on it.

I have a lot of the same thoughts about myself. Although I still struggle with it, two concepts have helped me. One is that I can do good for someone, but not unless I take care of myself and get myself in a position to be able to have something to give. You have to secure your own oxegen mask first, then help someone else, right? The second is that I believe that God created me and sent me here for a purpose. As tempting as it is to consider myself an afterthought and less valuable than His other creations, I don't want to insult Him by denying what He created and gave to me.

BlueMoon,
It hurts to hear that someone doesn't believe they deserve love. I believe that everyone deserves to love and be loved. Do you? Are you just the exception? Everyone includes you. I wish there was something I could say to convince you of your worth. I like Rainbow's mirror exercise...Louise Hay recommends the same thing.

"Self-esteem is what you think about yourself, and you have the freedom to think anything you want. So why would you want to belittle yourself?
You were born extremely confident. You came into this world knowing how wonderful you are. You were so perfect when you were a tiny baby. You didn't have to do anything - you were already perfect - and you acted as if you were aware of that. You knew you were the center of the Universe. You weren't afraid to ask for what you wanted. You freely expressed your emotions. Your mother knew when you were angry; in fact, the entire neighborhood knew it. And when you were happy, your smile lit up the whole room. You were so full of love and confidence.
Little babies will die if they don't get love. Once we're older, we learn to live without love, but no baby will stand for that. Babies also love every inch of their bodies. They have no guilt, no shame, no comparisons. They know they're unique and wonderful.
You were like that." - Louise Hay

((((((((((((((( BLUE MOON 6 )))))))))))))))))

i have no words for your post. maybe I will PM. I am so sad.....

thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moon you will work through each one of these in time and you will turn them around. It takes time to fully work through each one and if anyone on this planet can do this successfully it will be you!! There isn't a quick fix for these things. To be fixed correctly and permanently each issue needs attention and care and this takes time................

(((((((((((((((((moon))))))))))))))))))

I know you know how much I can relate to every single thing you wrote. I am stuck in the same place and it's painful and it's hard.

I wish I knew the way out. Yesterday, T said something about how children should be treated, and I thought about how my children ARE treated that way...and suddenly I had this "a-ha" moment...*I* was a child, and *I* was supposed to be treated that way too. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around that, but the times I have a glimmer of forgiveness or compassion towards myself are those moments when I can somehow step outside of my life, see myself as just any old child, and realize that the child that I was deserved the same things all children deserve.

I know you feel the same way I do about children, so I wonder if that perspective would help you too??

It's a painful place, sweet moon, and one that will probably take a lot of unlearning and relearning and hard work to move out of it. It's clear to ME that you are so, so, SO deserving of love...but I know that until it's clear to you, it's hard to believe that and hang on to that.

Maybe we can hold each other's hand and find our way out of this place together.

Rainbow, your post made me want to cry. I have fantasies about wanting to start over, especially now that I am closer to the real story of what went on in my early life.
No one that I know, I think, would really suspect how much or deep the hatred is that I have for myself. Or how I feel so lacking in ablility. But I feel more in touch now with my true feelings, the ones that keep me paralysed.

I want to try the mirror exercise, but I am afraid it will make me cry.

Farmergirl- I like the idea of journaling the beliefs. I wrote down in my journal some of the things I posted. I think if I bring these feelings up with ftt, a lot will come up. It sort of scsres me to do it, afraid I will shut down or dissociate when I go there.

Rapunzel- I want to say that I got some PMs from people about God and the role of God in how I feel about myself. It seems so clear to me that I would be as valuable as other people, the creatures of the earth, the moon and the stars. I would be devaluing myself unnecessarily. One day I can believe in God, and the next I dont. I have so many reasons to believe, but can think of so many not to believe. I have been intimately involved with religion at different times in my life, but even that confuses me as I find truth in them all and why should there be such differences? You'd think I was a kid from the sound of this, but I think my exploration into God and religion has left me, at this stage, in confusion. If I am so important to God, why do I suffer? But then, for all of my suffering, I was blessed with husband and these amazing children. I had my children older, I was really blessed to be able to conceive. Or is it just some genetic coincidence?

Barbi- I loved the quote from Louise Hay. I was deserving of love at this one point in time and it makes me want to cry that I am still that lovable baby.

SAWE- Im sorry my post made you sad. It would make me sad if someone else wrote it. These beliefs come from this deep place where I must have so much hurt and devastation. It must be, because when I think about it intellectually, I would say I dont deserve this. But when I feel it, I am all emotion and those beliefs are there. And they do a lot of contolling of my life on a level I am only vaguely aware of.

I wonder how I am able to love my children so deeply and to believe with every bone in my body that they deserve that moment by moment nurturing and care for their thoughts and feelings. How they are precious just because they were born and every smile and tear is a gift. But I dont see myself that way.
I love your "ah-ha" moments and I would like to believe that I was a precious child at one point myself. And I still am that precious. I wonder if I was ever considered as precious as I consider my children. My mother just didnt make the effort to understand who her children were- I mean as gifts to be cherished. I wish I had felt cherished as a child, or deserving of being cherished.
When I step outside myself, there are those moments, but it does stretch my brain to think of me that way

Oh, Tree, thank you Lets find our way out of this together

Maybe then there can be some way of putting the untrue messages to rest one by one. Now that you've identified everything and written it down, you can take a look at these thoughts and recognize that they are not the truth. I have no doubt that this will take a lot of work, but you are a very intelligent person and I for one feel you can do this. One day at a time, Blue.

Sorry for the double post, but I just saw this.

Think of what you are giving to your children when you love and nurture them as you do. Know of the gift inside yourself in your ability to love another so unconditionally and purely. That love is part of you and what you have to offer. Maybe one day you will be able to offer some of the very same gentle support and care to yourself.

How about presenting this to your T and asking her how she can help someone with a list of self-beliefs like this? Maybe it would make it not seem like such a daunting and hopeless undertaking if you knew she had experience with this and had successfully helped other clients with similar self-beliefs. I always find it reassuring when my T tells me he has helped others with the same problem before that I am experiencing. If she shares her approach with you, then it might help you feel there is a course to take that can result in success. Farmergirl shared one approach a T might take. What approach would your T take? I think the fact that you can identify all those negative self-beliefs and write them out is very helpful to you and your T.

There's nothing wrong with crying. What would happen if you cried?

Ugh, this is one of the thing that hurts the most. That I will *never* be the "most precious" or "most loved" to anyone. I don't understand how a mother can look at her child and not be overwhelmed with love.

I think that's why I want to be T's favorite. I really want someone to love me the most. I know it's such an immature feeling, but it's how I feel (and he knows it)

(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))

I want to do that. I dont know how that would work. I am printing this thread out to take with me to ftt. I would like to read the beliefs I have about myself. Its kind of sad to read something like this, even though I trust ftt. It does seem like a lot of work, the beliefs are so young and I suspect it is the accumulation of so many things from so young that keeps me feeling this way....no matter what I accomplish. How I feel about myself just hangs on. I have a success (something with my kids, my h, my friends, things I do for my kids school or anything at all) "oh, it doesnt count, Im a fake, everyone will see that, I just scraped by." It could be anything. It isnt sabatoge exactly, it is more a feeling of being unworthy.

I will take it one belief at a time....one day at a time. I dont see ftt until monday.....sigh....

This is what confuses me, it is the same thing Tree posted. How can I be as gentle and nurturing and truly so loving to them and not feel this for myself? Why cant I give it to me? There is some kind of disconnect there. I have it in me, it is there, but there is this black hole where this kind of love cannot go- and I am this black hole. I cannot retrieve the love feelings when it comes to me.....it isnt that I dont take care of myself in outward ways- I eat a vegitarian diet, take supplements, try to exercise, look decent, but it seems like Im trying to gloss over my true feelings...or overcompensate for them.

That is exactly how I feel, in those words exactly. It hurts that I will never be the the most precious or most loved to anyone. I will always be overlooked and other people are loved. This really is something that drives me. And I couldnt even be dt's favorite or anything to her no matter how hard I tried. Or with my mother. I remember when I was a child in elementry school and I wanted to be any teachers favorite, but I never was. I never, ever even dared to try. I watched with sadness as the other children had some kind of relationship with the teacher and I kept my distance. I was never close to a teacher, even though I craved the attention. This is how I remembered elementry school, class after class/grade after grade wanting what I didnt know how to get and so never had.
I feel that way with t's. I dont even dare think of being ftts favorite! I dont know her so well, but I dont think I'll even try. She must have more interesting clients than me. It is how I really feel....sounds so sad....

I thought and thought about this. I guess I could cry...but I am afraid to cry alone and bring up these feelings alone. I am afraid that my kids are here and will see me crying out of control. Or maybe I wouldnt cry out of control, maybe just tear up. I will try to say I love you and see what happens. It is mostly aloneness I am afraid of....and feeling more alone with sad feelings.

Blue, I am so sorry. Those beliefs are deep, and they are painful. It will indeed take a lot of hard to work to change them, but you can change them - you are worth changing them!!!

I definitely struggle with many of those beliefs. I often feel like I don't deserve to be loved - I don't even know where that feeling comes from. It's old and it's there, and it's real. I have a lot coming up for me now, as you know, feelings from my childhood. I'm trying to remember how that child felt, how the feelings were pure and how my little self was so hurt by so many things that built up over the years, how all she wanted was not to be left alone and to be loved and to be held and to be comforted... instead, she was rewarded for her good behavior by being left alone more and was given more responsibility at too young of an age (9). I am so sad for that little girl, I cried for that little girl in my last session - I didn't even know that I had those deep feelings until they came up last session. My point is that you will figure out how these beliefs originated, and you will figure out (with ftt's help) how to change these beliefs.

We are all precious, and we all matter... and one day, we will all know that it's true.

In many ways, you are my inspiration

This is very powerful for me. It is old, it is real and it is there. I cannot pretend that I dont feel this way about myself on a very deep level. My life story screams that this is how I feel about myself. It IS time to do this work and I probably want to do it because I have no idea what I am getting into.
Dream, I feel so sorry for her, too. It wasnt the way she should have been cared for. She should have been free to not have the pressure to be good or be gone. And she was groomed to be good, so she could take the burden off of everyone else? I want to hug her, too. I can SO understand your t! She is a smart girl who grew up as deserving and lovable as you are despite the abusive treatment.

I hope so, Dream. I can SO see it for you and I can SO see it for Tree. But I am trusting that you to see it for me

Oh, Blue - I do see it for you! Your posts to others are filled with love and compassion and hope, and it sounds like you really give all that to your children, so you have the capacity to give it to yourself - you just have to figure out how to open up your heart to let it in.

thank you so much for this.

In last session T told me that she looks forward to meeting with me. I was silent, and she looked me in the eye and said, "you don't believe it, do you."
I said "difficult", but that wasn't really true, I should have just said, "no".

Whenever I hear from T that I will have to learn to re-parent myself, learn to forgive myself, learn to challenge my avoidance, learn to nurture myself, from within I sense that there is such a SILENCE that it's scary. No response. And, not surprisingly, not much change coming from me so far.

I have a feeling that soon T will begin suggesting some concrete changes to make, and yes I can do them, but it will be like teaching a dog to pee on the paper instead of on the carpet - I will just be doing them, not changing from inside.
Scared.......

SAWE

Change is very scary! The silence, while scary, can actually be comforting to me. But on the other side of that silence are the deep feelings that I'm sure T wants to help you uncover - it's not fun, but it's a step toward healing.

Yes- I can understand why she wants to hug Little Dreamer and the hurting adult with Little Dreamer inside of her. That she would want to hug YOU and Little Dreamer...together! Can I give you both a hug?

Quote:

Oh, Blue - I do see it for you! Your posts to others are filled with love and compassion and hope, and it sounds like you really give all that to your children, so you have the capacity to give it to yourself - you just have to figure out how to open up your heart to let it in.

Thank you, Dream. You know, I can almost imagine it, but I am not there yet at all. I do have to figure out how to open my heart to me and let it in

There is something about this silence that I relate to very much. I may have answered my t the same way. It is a shock to my automatic responses when I am being challenged on their "automatic-ness." Such as the automatic silence when I would automatically, without much thought, deeply wonder if t could really and truly be looking forward to seeing me. Id feel like, why would she look forward to seeing me?

Its scary, but SAWE, Id love to hear about the changes and what you are trying to make
.......and it couldnt be any worse than teaching a toddler to pee and poop on the potty (especially when she hands me her "creation" while Im posting on PC!).....sorry.....just had to say that

I think this is a such an important realization. Next time, will you say "no"? Reading that made me realize that I have learned to be authentic with my T in therapy and not say things I don't mean, almost to the nth degree. Recently, I was in session and I did say one of these little things that was not really true and it really felt wrong, like it jangled in our space of authenticity. There were times earlier on in therapy when I would say one of those things and then correct myself, "no, that's not really true." I was on the path but not quite there with T. Now my challenge is to bring more of that authenticity to my other relationships and my whole way of being in the world. For me, it is very exciting to be at this point. I feel more like "me" now than I ever have.

Sunny - so I must realize that I am basically a liar. Before you jump on me for overreacting I have to say that I did deliberately tell her a lie in that session - now it seems there were really two - which means there are probably tons more. It is too much, I have tried so hard to be truthful at least judging from the pain it seemed I had tried, and now I feel like giving up.

A gut reaction of telling lies is NOT a reason to LOVE oneself. if I could spit, here on PC, I would.