[zooropa]

this could possibly be triggering, just sayin...

I had my session yesterday. I went in there really prepared because I have just been really flooded with flashbacks, memories, nightmares, body memories, etc lately. Everything in me is saying it's time to start working on my trauma. As I've been remembering more lately about one isolated incident that happened in my late teens, I wrote it out and was prepared to read from it, have T read it or maybe just give it to her when I got there or whatever.

But I have a lot of trust issues and part of that is a fear that, finally FINALLY telling my story to someone, she would not believe me. So I had to address that first. It was so hard. I dissociated twice just trying to get through this part, the part where I wanted to say "I'm afraid you won't believe me". I got as far as "I'm afraid" and just lost my words. T said "You're afraid of what, you're afraid of the emotions or you're afraid of my reaction?" and I could barely find this little tiny voice to say "both?". She said "ok" and I said "I'm not in my body" and she helped me get grounded again and then I started again to tell her what I was afraid of and AGAIN I lost it.
But then I got grounded again and finally got it out, and we had a really good conversation about that and I felt so much better about it.

So then I told her I had this thing written out, and I told her that I feel like something in me, someONE in me, is demanding her story be told. And that I've been carrying this alone for so long, too long.

Then she started asking me a few questions about this incident and we talked about it just for about 5 minutes which doesn't SOUND like a long time but it FELT like a long time! Especially since this is the first time I've ever talked about this stuff, ever. The whole time we talked I was playing with some putty in my hands and I could NOT look at T, I was just intently staring at the putty & manipulating it.

When she said we were done talking about it (not done w/the session...), that's when all the emotion hit me. I didn't cry, I have a really REALLY hard time crying in there, but I started shaking and my fists clenched up, I quit breathing, all of that. I remember hearing her say my name a few times, she sounded so far away. She was telling me to breathe & I didn't realize I wasn't until she said that. So I tried to follow my breath & I started to feel more of my body, I had huge marks on my palms later from where I dug my fingernails in so hard.

Once I was calmer she made sure to make eye contact with me and said my name and said "I BELIEVE YOU"

So, anyway, I won't bore you guys with every single detail but this was DEFINITELY a turning point for me, it was obviously difficult but I left there & got in my car & I was kind of expecting to have a breakdown in my car honestly but what I felt was...lighter. I felt lighter.

Today has been hard, the emotions and flashbacks are more intense than ever. I've already called T & she called me back before I could even get done leaving her a voice mail. She was really calming & validating on the phone, and reminded me of things I already know but just needed reminding of. And said I can call her back later or whenever I need to. I know she's really trying to support me as much as she can through this.

If you read all this, thanks, sorry it's so long! It really helps to know I'm not going through this alone.

I don't know how clear this is so please ask me questions if it doesn't make sense or if you want to know more.

[mixedup_emotions]

Sounds like a breakthrough session! GREAAAAT work!!!! ((( HUGS )))

[jexa]

(((((zoo))))) I haven't been replying to many things lately, but I have been following your posts. This took so much bravery and shows such great progress!

Originally Posted by zooropa

Once I was calmer she made sure to make eye contact with me and said my name and said "I BELIEVE YOU"

This is so powerful to me, I got goosebumps reading it.

[BlueMoon6]

This was very powerful to read, Zoo. I am very proud of you. YOu did great work and got the words out, even if it seemed impossible. I would like to do that, too.

I want to tell you, I dissociate in the same way, when I was reading this, I was right there with you. I lose my words, I havent heard anybody post about it. I do that in session and at home. I lose my words and dont know what I was saying or where I am excpet I then know I was probalby saying something. I feel like I am underwater or its like looking through a foggy window far away. That is when I realize I got lost.

I am SO proud of you for telling T the about the incident. I am so glad she reassured you that she believed you. You are very believable

And I love that she called you back right away. She is there for you. What a relief

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

I want to tell you, I dissociate in the same way, when I was reading this, I was right there with you. I lose my words, I havent heard anybody post about it. I do that in session and at home. I lose my words and dont know what I was saying or where I am excpet I then know I was probalby saying something. I feel like I am underwater or its like looking through a foggy window far away. That is when I realize I got lost.

yeah, I didn't even know for the longest time that that was dissociating until I started reading about it here and then asked my T about it, but yeah. My mind will go blank, and I just...lose my words. I used to just get so frustrated in session when that would happen and I'd say "I don't know" all the time, and T was getting frustrated for a long time, too, I remember after our first couple of sessions she said to me once "I don't have time for 'I don't know' ".
Now I know that the reason I don't know is that my mind went blank because I'm dissociating, and she knows that too, but it was hard figuring that all out.

thanks, you guys, for your support, it was so great to come here and read your messages.

Today has been really hard, I'm just overwhelmed with memories & flashbacks & emotions and...ugh. I'm crying & having panic attacks just not in a good place at all. Wondering how I'm going to put on a happy face to spend the day with my kids tomorrow, which I have really been looking forward to.

I feel like I can't call T tomorrow, because of the holiday, she didn't say that but I would feel really really bad calling her at home (or wherever she is...) on thanksgiving.

So between my PTSD symptoms being almost out of control, worrying about having to act happy and "normal" for my kids, and feeling like I can't contact T for support, I'm just pretty miserable and freaked out right now. It's 2am and I slept for a couple of hours but the nightmares were so bad it's not worth trying anymore.

Originally Posted by zooropa

So between my PTSD symptoms being almost out of control, worrying about having to act happy and "normal" for my kids, and feeling like I can't contact T for support, I'm just pretty miserable and freaked out right now. It's 2am and I slept for a couple of hours but the nightmares were so bad it's not worth trying anymore.

(((((((((((zoo))))))))))))

This is so familiar to me. The first time I really did HARD core trauma stuff with T, I felt just like you described when I left the session....lighter. I expected to feel worse, but as I drove away, the world just felt different. Like someone else KNEW, and it was okay.

We left the next day for a family vacation to the beach that I had SO been looking forward to. And just like you're describing, the good feelings from my session didn't last that long, and I ended up with a lot of flashbacks, shame, PTSD symptoms, etc. It was a weekend, and T wasn't available and I was so worried that this precious time I had been planning with my boys would be ruined.

What I did, that helped a bit, was REALLY worked on staying in the present. For me, that meant playing in the sand and the waves with my kids and really focusing on the feel of the sand and the water and the wind. It meant going on long bike rides and feeling the muscles in my legs. I journalled every day to get things OUT of my head, but tried to not give myself a lot of mental down time - I played games with my kids, read really funny books, etc.

I wonder if today, you could write down whatever you need to, to get it out of your head? I used to be scared to do that - to put things down in black and white - but I've discovered that when I put things down on paper, there is a beginning and and END. It's not a big swirly mess in my head anymore. If I don't want it around, I will tear it up or burn it, but getting it OUT helps.

And I wonder if you can really focus on being present? Smell the food cooking, play games with your kids, maybe step outside and feel the fresh air...the more I can get all of my senses involved in the present moment, the less likely I am to get lost in the swirly darkness of my past. I try to notice the sun that is shining on me right NOW.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time on a day that you were looking forward to. Know that you are doing good work, and even though it might not feel like it right now, it truly is a gift that you are giving to yourself and those around you. You deserve to heal.

Lots and lots of to you today.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by zooropa

yeah, I didn't even know for the longest time that that was dissociating until I started reading about it here and then asked my T about it, but yeah. My mind will go blank, and I just...lose my words. I used to just get so frustrated in session when that would happen and I'd say "I don't know" all the time, and T was getting frustrated for a long time, too, I remember after our first couple of sessions she said to me once "I don't have time for 'I don't know' ".
Now I know that the reason I don't know is that my mind went blank because I'm dissociating, and she knows that too, but it was hard figuring that all out.

How did you feel when she said I dont have time for I dont know. Dt once said to me, "what happened, what was that about?" I had no idea what I did, but I was very aware that I said or did something. Or, more likely, I stopped in the middle and said nothing. I was frozen when she said that, I said I dont know and she was pressing me for an answer. I felt like I had to come up with something fast. yuck.

thanks, you guys, for your support, it was so great to come here and read your messages.

Today has been really hard, I'm just overwhelmed with memories & flashbacks & emotions and...ugh. I'm crying & having panic attacks just not in a good place at all. Wondering how I'm going to put on a happy face to spend the day with my kids tomorrow, which I have really been looking forward to.

Zoo...maybe when you see them, you will feel better, at least more connected and so relieved to be with them that the bad feelings might take a back seat, at least for a little while.

So between my PTSD symptoms being almost out of control, worrying about having to act happy and "normal" for my kids, and feeling like I can't contact T for support, I'm just pretty miserable and freaked out right now. It's 2am and I slept for a couple of hours but the nightmares were so bad it's not worth trying anymore.

(((Zoo)))) I also have some disturbed sleep. The hoidays being up so much for us, if its the best we can do to get through it, just get through. Thankfully, it is only 1 day....
Please try and be gentle with Zoo today and try to pressure yourself to be "happy"

[zooropa]

thank you so much, tree and blue I really needed to come here & have some words of support especially for me. Thank you.

Yesterday was good, I was able to use my mindfulness skills & really just be in the moment when my kids were here so that was good. Of course it was hectic with 4 of them in my tiny apartment, so that helped actually, lots of distractions, no time to get caught up in my inner turmoil

I feel like I have been flooded, just caught under a waterfall really of intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, memories, body memories, emotions, etc, in every quiet moment awake and asleep since Tues night. I'm exhausted & scared & jumpy & panicky & just worn out.

I can't imagine how trauma work proceeds from here, do we wait until this abates and then go ahead and let it happen again? Do we just proceed with the trauma work in my next session & let me be flooded until it finally, eventually, somehow stops or I just have a complete & total breakdown?

I don't even feel like calling T anymore because what can she say? What can she do? Nothing. I'm just trying to use my DBT skills, mostly the distress tolerance skills of distract, doing a lot of knitting & listening to audiobooks which is normally very calming for me.

My mind is going more and more towards self-harm because I know from past experience that will work to stop the way I'm feeling, even if it's only temporary I'm almost to the point where I don't care & damn the consequences I just need some peace.

Also feeling like a complete & utter failure because I'm having this horrible of a time after just beginning trauma work, and we did not even get to the part of the story where the trauma happened. Same thing happened the one time before where we started talking about this, and T never brought it up again for months and months. Am I incapable of processing this? Do I have to carry it around, alone, for the rest of my life?

[darkrunner]

((((((Zooropa))))))
Try not to be so hard on yourself....you are not a failure.
I think you are doing good, hard work.
It's ok to take it slow.
I wish I had some better advice or a way to help you more.

((((((zooropa))))))

I am out of town and on my phone but wanted to let you know that I think you are so brave! Please don't beat yourself up right now, we all react our own way to healing. Dealing with trauma is no walk in the park! The first time T and I got into trauma through EMDR, I felt spacy but okay as I left. The next day, I felt worse and worse. By the end of the day, I wanted to write "worthless" over and over on a piece of paper while in a meeting, and I had Sui thoughts. The next morning, after crying all night and barely sleeping, I called T for the first time ever outside of rescheduling, and she got me in that day for an emergency session. I was so scared and overwhelmed, but T was there for me, and it did get better. It's okay if you don't go right back to the trauma work for awhile, give your mind and body a chance to heal from what you've already done.

[zooropa]

thank you kt and dream
I am in such a bad place right now, I can't believe ONE time of just STARTING to talk about my trauma has triggered this seemingly unending flood of flashbacks & memories & basically ********.

I feel utterly hopeless because before I really believed that I had spent a year learning the DBT skills & building my relationship with T & then we could start the trauma work. And I *knew* it would be hard, don't get me wrong. But this? This is a state incompatible with life. So it's either live the way I was before, and carry my pain all alone & never get better, or go through this which I CANNOT DO.

I guess that's the thing. I knew the trauma work would be hard but I am strong & have spent the last 6 months just getting stronger & stronger. I knew it'd be difficult & painful but I thought I could DO it. Now I know I cannot. And I can't live like this, with the memories & the pain (emotional & physical) & the flashbacks just right there on the surface all the time. Can't sleep, it's not worth even trying. Can't escape when the boogeyman is IN MY HEAD.

Nobody understands, nobody IRL, but I guess I'm writing this here because I think that if there's anybody anywhere that will understand it will be somebody here.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Zooropa))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing And good for you! That would take an awful lot of courage to do, so I'm glad your T was able to help you out and I hope that this makes you feel a lot lighter and better too.



Edit: Okay, so I just saw your last reply...

Originally Posted by zooropa

thank you kt and dream
I am in such a bad place right now, I can't believe ONE time of just STARTING to talk about my trauma has triggered this seemingly unending flood of flashbacks & memories & basically ********.

I feel utterly hopeless because before I really believed that I had spent a year learning the DBT skills & building my relationship with T & then we could start the trauma work. And I *knew* it would be hard, don't get me wrong. But this? This is a state incompatible with life. So it's either live the way I was before, and carry my pain all alone & never get better, or go through this which I CANNOT DO.

I guess that's the thing. I knew the trauma work would be hard but I am strong & have spent the last 6 months just getting stronger & stronger. I knew it'd be difficult & painful but I thought I could DO it. Now I know I cannot. And I can't live like this, with the memories & the pain (emotional & physical) & the flashbacks just right there on the surface all the time. Can't sleep, it's not worth even trying. Can't escape when the boogeyman is IN MY HEAD.

Nobody understands, nobody IRL, but I guess I'm writing this here because I think that if there's anybody anywhere that will understand it will be somebody here.

You ARE strong. I doubt very much than any of us can predict what will happen to us emotionally after we try to begin talking about our abuse... but you did it, you did fantastically.

If you can, take some time off work or school or whatever other activities you do (unless they're fun) and just try to relax and process all the stuff that happened in session. Remember the positive comments your T made to you, and try to remember to ground yourself. Did you learn any grounding activities in therapy to help?

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I PROMISE YOU THAT MUCH, BECAUSE WE WILL BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Okay? I may not understand all of what you've been through, but if you need someone to talk to (even about the triggering stuff) - please PM me, okay? I want to be able to help if I can - don't go through this alone, you've got friends here and people who care about you and your wellbeing.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I am in such a bad place right now, I can't believe ONE time of just STARTING to talk about my trauma has triggered this seemingly unending flood of flashbacks & memories & basically ********.

I feel utterly hopeless because before I really believed that I had spent a year learning the DBT skills & building my relationship with T & then we could start the trauma work. And I *knew* it would be hard, don't get me wrong. But this? This is a state incompatible with life. So it's either live the way I was before, and carry my pain all alone & never get better, or go through this which I CANNOT DO.

((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

It will NOT be this bad forever. I want you to hear that SO badly that I am going to type it again: it will NOT be this bad forever.

When I first started trauma work with T, it was AWFUL. I felt like I had ruined my life...like I had allowed all of these memories to come to the surface, but like dealing with them left me flooded with flashbacks/feelings/self-loathing, etc....it felt like the biggest mistake I had ever made.

It's not like that now. I'm not even sure why. I think part of it is that I have experienced the fact that life DOES return to normal - or even a slightly better version of normal - eventually, so I don't get stuck in the fear that I will feel that bad forever. That's big. And I think part of it is that I have been working with T for so long that I feel safe enough to have my big feelings THERE with him. So instead of dissociating and then coming home and having all of the feelings to deal with, I have them there and I come home and actually feel a little better. It took a LONG time for me to get to the point where I was okay with that - and to get to the point where I didn't come home and spiral out about what T was thinking of me and my feelings.

I love that you were knitting and listening to audio books...that's what I do to do ground myself

Today, can you let yourself feel what you are feeling without judging it, or fearing that it will go on forever? Maybe for a few minutes even? It's not going to go on forever. Even if you and T need to step back and work more on mindfulness or getting grounded or whatever....it is OKAY. You don't know what you can tolerate until you try to tolerate it...and if you need more time to work on mindfulness/grounding there is nothing wrong with that. Everything is okay just the way it is. You are working really really really hard, and a lot of times it makes us feel worse before we feel better...but that doesn't mean that you won't feel better. You will.

Lots and lots and lots of hugs to you. I'm glad you are posting here

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Christina86

Did you learn any grounding activities in therapy to help?

YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I PROMISE YOU THAT MUCH, BECAUSE WE WILL BE WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Okay? I may not understand all of what you've been through, but if you need someone to talk to (even about the triggering stuff) - please PM me, okay? I want to be able to help if I can - don't go through this alone, you've got friends here and people who care about you and your wellbeing.

thank you, Christina. That really means a lot to me. It helps to not feel so alone. I'm trying to remember what T said, I know we talked at the end of the session about what I should do if I started feeling worse. She even specifically addressed what I should think/tell myself if I had urges to self harm, but I can't remember anything now, my brain is just blank

I can't even remember what she said when I called her on the phone last, which I think was the day after my session or something? I don't know, it's all a blur of nightmares & flashbacks & horror.

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))))))))

It will NOT be this bad forever. I want you to hear that SO badly that I am going to type it again: it will NOT be this bad forever.

When I first started trauma work with T, it was AWFUL. I felt like I had ruined my life...like I had allowed all of these memories to come to the surface, but like dealing with them left me flooded with flashbacks/feelings/self-loathing, etc....it felt like the biggest mistake I had ever made.

(((tree))) I started crying when I read that, tree, because it's how I feel *exactly*. Thank you so much. I have been feeling so hopeless because it seems like I CHOSE to do this to myself & also that this was my only hope to ever get better and it's not going to work so I'm basically screwed & stuck in hell & yeah, my thoughts have just been spiraling out of control from there. So thanks for letting me know that you felt the same way, and that it's not forever.

I didn't really sleep last night, when I did fall asleep it was horrible so I just finally gave up. I'm just trying to get through until my session w/T on Monday at this point, but as I get lower & lower I'm starting to think that won't even help & how can I possibly explain to her what's going on with me.

I don't WANT to go in there & be a wreck, I'm ashamed at how hard this has been on me, I don't know what to do next, I just don't know. So I'm thinking of just not going to my next session, and just trying to put the lid back on this whole pandora's box I opened up.

[Kiya]

"I was kind of expecting to have a breakdown in my car honestly but what I felt was...lighter. I felt lighter. "

=) this was my reaction too the first time i ever told even the slightest mini detail.
yay you - that's such a big step and you took it, you got through it. there are more steps, but you can make it because you got through this one =) an inspiration to be sure.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Zooropa))))) I hope my reply to you doesnt sound too much all over the place. Im sorry. I am sort of dealing with the same thing, but have not yet opened the pandora's box. I am still afraid to.

I know that feeling that nobody in RL would understand what you are going through. But you ARE doing it, you are going through your day. And it could actually be a blessing that your kids arent around all the time while you do this healing.

When I read this, I just want to give you a big hug. These are the reasons I am afraid to go there. I am afraid of not being able to function, of needing waaay too much support and help, of feeling so alone and frightened. I get all kinds of fears and have to use so much energy not to think about them.

Ftt has said to me that she wants me to go verrrry slowly. She used the term Pandora's Box and she wants me to be able to function in my daily life. I am afraid I wont be able to, but I feel that I need to go there and do what you are doing so bravely. I am afraid I will be telling myself that it was the biggest mistake ever. But like Tree said, the pain doesnt last forever, that it IS the way out. We have to go through this to get to the other side. And that there is another side. Zoo, you can do it, we both can. There is peace on the other side. At this point, I am only talking about the shame I feel. Some details, but I cant go into detail because of the way it makes me feel about myself. Like what you describe.

You have a nice ability to ground yourself. What audio books do you listen to? I really need to work on grounding. What seems to work for me (and not everything does) is to look around the room and focus on the things around me. Does that sound strange? I can "leave" and feel very much not present, but if I focus on what is in the room, what is on the road as I am driving and visual things, I become more present. For some reason, I cannot focus on anything I hear, anything auditory. Its as if I dont speak or understand English. I cannot focus and understand spoken words. Does anything like that happen to you? In session, if I am in an "underwater" dissociating state, I have difficulty focuing on what ftt is saying.

Hugs, hugs, hugs

[chaotic13]

Zoo.... For me things came and still sometimes come in waves. One minute it felt like I was drowning and would never survive. Then as some point my body would crash and the memories and flashbacks would just stop and I would realize..."hey I've got a pulse, still breathing, I'm OK." You've taken a leap of faith and are now on the roller coaster ride. As treehouse stated... things get better. Its not a linear progression for sure but things will get better. It sounds like you have prepared yourself with some good tools for coping, keep using them. AND as easy as it is to do try NOT to beat yourself up for struggling....It IS going to work and the healing and inner strength you WILL gain through the process will be worth it.

[Kiya]

Like Bluey said " I am afraid of not being able to function, of needing waaay too much support and help, of feeling so alone and frightened. I get all kinds of fears and have to use so much energy not to think about them."
that's me too. @_@ I feel like all i can do is merely maintain. That maybe one day... in the perfect circumstances... i'll be able to let all the walls down, see the **** and deal with it. THEN i can go back to my life (or maybe even have one).
Hugs, all!

[chaotic13]

(((Kiya))) healing is truely a major energy drain.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

How did you feel when she said I dont have time for I dont know.

sorry I didn't answer this earlier, blue. This was pretty early on in my relationship with T so I was kind of taken aback when she said that, I felt like I had done something wrong. It wasn't until later that I figured out I was dissociating at those times, that my mind going blank was part of that, so I really didn't know. I'm still not really sure T realizes that, actually.

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

(((((Zooropa)))))
We have to go through this to get to the other side. And that there is another side. Zoo, you can do it, we both can. There is peace on the other side.

You have a nice ability to ground yourself. What audio books do you listen to? I really need to work on grounding. What seems to work for me (and not everything does) is to look around the room and focus on the things around me. Does that sound strange? I can "leave" and feel very much not present, but if I focus on what is in the room, what is on the road as I am driving and visual things, I become more present. For some reason, I cannot focus on anything I hear, anything auditory. Its as if I dont speak or understand English. I cannot focus and understand spoken words. Does anything like that happen to you? In session, if I am in an "underwater" dissociating state, I have difficulty focuing on what ftt is saying.

Hugs, hugs, hugs

blue, thank you so much. I really do feel like we are going through a lot of the same things, and while I'm sorry you are suffering too it's good to know I'm not alone & that there other people who understand.

When you said I AM doing it, that was really validating, it reminded me of what T said the last time we talked on the phone on Wed and also at my last session. That getting through this is just walking through it, when I feel like "I don't know how to do this!" or "I can't do this"(which I do, a lot) I can tell myself "I AM doing it, right now, in this moment, this is how to do it"

I have so much shame. I feel like a failure & am ashamed of feeling so needy & scared & alone. I desperately want to reach out to T & I know she would be there for me but I am ashamed of needing her so much. I feel like I should be able to get through this on my own, or that after working with her for a year I should know enough to not need to call her. But I'm scared and running out of resources to keep fighting this.

I have been listening to The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest by Stieg Larsson. It's the 3rd in the trilogy that started with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, if you've heard of that. It's sad, though, only because it's the last one and Larsson is dead so there will be no more books from him. That alone is enough to make me extra sad today, when I'm feeling like this.

Other than feeling sad about that, though, I've been enjoying listening to it and have knitted so much these last few days, I'm sure my hands will be sore, but it's ok. It's kept my mind somewhat focused & kept my hands BUSY which is the goal. I've found for me that keeping my hands busy, doing anything tactile, really helps keep me grounded. I carry silly putty in my purse for that reason, have a stress ball in the car, have silly putty & play dough & glitter lava & koosh balls & stuff like that all over my apartment. Knitting is obviously a great thing, too, because it not only keeps my hands busy but I get something out of all that nervous energy in the end

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Zoo.... For me things came and still sometimes come in waves. One minute it felt like I was drowning and would never survive. Then as some point my body would crash and the memories and flashbacks would just stop and I would realize..."hey I've got a pulse, still breathing, I'm OK." You've taken a leap of faith and are now on the roller coaster ride. As treehouse stated... things get better. Its not a linear progression for sure but things will get better. It sounds like you have prepared yourself with some good tools for coping, keep using them. AND as easy as it is to do try NOT to beat yourself up for struggling....It IS going to work and the healing and inner strength you WILL gain through the process will be worth it.

thank you, chaotic. I'm going to try to remember that and tell myself "I'm ok" the next time I feel overwhelmed.

[skeksi]

I have so much shame. I feel like a failure & am ashamed of feeling so needy & scared & alone.

Oh, zoo, I so get this. I am in the middle of some deep dark gross trauma stuff with T now too, and it's brutal. I'm ashamed of what happened to me, and I'm ashamed of hurting now, and I'm ashamed of needing T's help. I feel like I can't win with myself: there is always something else to be ashamed of.

I am so impressed with everything you do to cope right now. The tactile stuff can be so helpful, yeah? I do lots of art, too. Even if it's just coloring a page in my journal all black. I have quite a few black pages in there now, to be honest.

You are doing great. We all are, truth be told.

[zooropa]

skeksi, thank you, I was ignoring the stark basic fact of the shame of what happened to me, the 1st layer of shame I guess. Then all the other layers of shame just add up on top of that. I pretty much know I need T to help me through this and I am so ashamed of that. I want to reach out to her but am afraid and ashamed. I feel like it makes me look weak, and I also feel like reacting like this to starting trauma work is also showing my weakness.
I guess I'm obviously feeling a lot of shame & fear & I just want to crawl in my shell and never come out.
Part of me wants to quit therapy & try to bottle all this back up and part of me knows that's no way to live, that I in fact cannot live that way. But I certainly can't live this way, either, and so I feel trapped & that makes me feel panic & desperation.
So many emotions, in just one little head, spinning around and around and around until it all just spins me into the ground.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by zooropa

sorry I didn't answer this earlier, blue. This was pretty early on in my relationship with T so I was kind of taken aback when she said that, I felt like I had done something wrong. It wasn't until later that I figured out I was dissociating at those times, that my mind going blank was part of that, so I really didn't know. I'm still not really sure T realizes that, actually.

I cannot believe someone in this world experienced this with their T as I did. I remember I was trying to think fast, I had no idea what happened and I was ashamed that I didnt have an answer for her when she asked me what happened. I made something up! I still dont understand those blank spaces and my kids have all over the years said things to me about it, but now I feel mmore aware and know I just had a little "gap" or something.

blue, thank you so much. I really do feel like we are going through a lot of the same things, and while I'm sorry you are suffering too it's good to know I'm not alone & that there other people who understand.

I think so, too. I feel exaclty as you do, but I am afraid of not being able to get out of it.

That getting through this is just walking through it, when I feel like "I don't know how to do this!" or "I can't do this"(which I do, a lot) I can tell myself "I AM doing it, right now, in this moment, this is how to do it"

I guess that is what it is. You are still alive, still posting and maybe you have moments when you feel even ever so slightly better.

I have so much shame. I feel like a failure & am ashamed of feeling so needy & scared & alone. I desperately want to reach out to T & I know she would be there for me but I am ashamed of needing her so much. I feel like I should be able to get through this on my own, or that after working with her for a year I should know enough to not need to call her. But I'm scared and running out of resources to keep fighting this.

(((((Zoo)))) This is what keeps me afraid of going deeper, keeps me avoiding anything painful. I am so afraid of becoming overwhelmed, needy and all alone with that.

I havent heard of the books you are listening to. Maybe you should try something with a more upbeat storyline? I know this might sound really off, but what about something funny? I dont know if you are this way, but if something is really funny, it can distract me pretty well. Unless Im too far gone depressed.....

Another question, I know Tree knits, too. What do you think aobut when you knit? I would like to try it, but Im afraid my mind would wander off into ???? I dont know....la la land......

I carry silly putty in my purse for that reason, have a stress ball in the car, have silly putty & play dough & glitter lava & koosh balls & stuff like that all over my apartment. Knitting is obviously a great thing, too, because it not only keeps my hands busy but I get something out of all that nervous energy in the end

This is something I am going to try. Uh, where can I get a goosh ball???

Originally Posted by Chaotic

For me things came and still sometimes come in waves. One minute it felt like I was drowning and would never survive. Then as some point my body would crash and the memories and flashbacks would just stop and I would realize..."hey I've got a pulse, still breathing, I'm OK." You've taken a leap of faith and are now on the roller coaster ride. As treehouse stated... things get better. Its not a linear progression for sure but things will get better.

This is one of the most helpful things I have ever learned in therapy. I am so glad you said it here, Chaotic. That there are moments when I feel like I am really drowning, and moments when I am going about my daily business and feel like I can do this. Im OK today.

I had a T yrs ago who said this a lot. That relationships ebb and flow, that our feelings/closness toward our partner may come and go in waves, and how we deal with our pain also comes and goes in waves. I remember he moved his hand up and down in this wave-like motion. It is a very calming thing for me to tell myself. That I dont have to panic, that even if Im not dealing with my feelings all the time the way I want to, I will feel better at some point. That my relationship with my H doesnt have to be close and intimate all the time, we have periods of where we are closer and periods where we may seem to be less close. That doesnt mean that the love and support arent there. Its like a wave. He taught me its all good, its all OK and part of who we are.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by zooropa

thank you, Christina. That really means a lot to me. It helps to not feel so alone. I'm trying to remember what T said, I know we talked at the end of the session about what I should do if I started feeling worse. She even specifically addressed what I should think/tell myself if I had urges to self harm, but I can't remember anything now, my brain is just blank

I can't even remember what she said when I called her on the phone last, which I think was the day after my session or something? I don't know, it's all a blur of nightmares & flashbacks & horror.

I go blank too... There is a pinned thread in Self Injury with things you can do instead of self injuring. Perhaps that would be a good start?

I try to say things like "it's not my fault" and "I'm okay now" and "I'm good and not bad" and that I've got to remember that what's going through my head sometimes isn't actually what's really happening IRL - it's all in my head. Reliving bad stuff from the past sorely sucks though.

You will get through this. Losing track of time is pretty normal sometimes I think - like I swear I don't remember what I do for a week or so for no apparent reason. My brain just shuts off - calls in sick, takes a vacation... you get the idea.

You will be okay. Hold onto the fact that your T cares enough about you to help you through this. We all care enough about you to be here to support you through this. You will get through it - it'll just pretty much suck in the meantime. But I know you're a strong person, 'cause it takes a LOT of courage and gumption to talk about abuse stuff. I still freak out reciting it to MYSELF and I KNOW what happened to me - it's not like I'm a stranger to myself (well, some days I feel like I'm a stranger in my body, but that's something else altogether).

PM me anytime, okay? Don't hurt yourself, you deserve better than that. You got through the abuse, you survived. You are a SURVIVOR even if you feel like absolute crap right now - you survived the abuse, and survived talking about it, and you will survive and get through dealing with the emotional fallout of talking about it. It's not easy, but we're here.

Edit, had to comment on this

Originally Posted by zooropa

skeksi, thank you, I was ignoring the stark basic fact of the shame of what happened to me, the 1st layer of shame I guess. Then all the other layers of shame just add up on top of that. I pretty much know I need T to help me through this and I am so ashamed of that. I want to reach out to her but am afraid and ashamed. I feel like it makes me look weak, and I also feel like reacting like this to starting trauma work is also showing my weakness.
I guess I'm obviously feeling a lot of shame & fear & I just want to crawl in my shell and never come out.
Part of me wants to quit therapy & try to bottle all this back up and part of me knows that's no way to live, that I in fact cannot live that way. But I certainly can't live this way, either, and so I feel trapped & that makes me feel panic & desperation.
So many emotions, in just one little head, spinning around and around and around until it all just spins me into the ground.

You know, it's funny. My therapist and I basically determined that my primary emotion is FEAR. I'm always afraid, and I'm afraid when I'm ashamed and I'm ashamed that I'm afraid!

You do not look weak, and you are not weak. You may feel weak, but you are not.

If you ever find a way to quit therapy and bottle up all the stuff you've taken out until this point - care to share that solution with me? I feel like that a lot - that it would be less painful, more easy, less complicated and less overall BAD if I would just pack it up, and quit therapy. I guess I've been in therapy for four years now and it's starting to bug me.

You feel emotions, that's a scary thing. Some days I'd give anything to not feel anything anymore... I used to emotionally bottle, to the craziest degree. Heck, I still have days where I swear I don't experience sadness or anger. (We all know it's a lie, but it's a lie I'd like to believe some days)

A video I want to share with you - go to YouTube and search for it "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies. It's a good song and I identify a lot with it, maybe you will too??

Originally Posted by zooropa

I've found for me that keeping my hands busy, doing anything tactile, really helps keep me grounded. I carry silly putty in my purse for that reason, have a stress ball in the car, have silly putty & play dough & glitter lava & koosh balls & stuff like that all over my apartment. Knitting is obviously a great thing, too, because it not only keeps my hands busy but I get something out of all that nervous energy in the end

Thank you so, so, so, SO much for sharing this, zoo! I knit too, and it is very grounding and soothing for me. And when I am in T's office, I hold a little animal from his desk in my hand. But somehow I never made the connection that keeping my hands busy soothes and grounds me...and it totally does. I am going to do what you do..get some things for my car, etc. to have to help keep myself grounded.

Thanks. That helped me