[chaotic13]

Therapy today was very difficult, I found myself sitting and saying "I don't know again." First she whipped out the letter I had sent and reviewed parts of it directly. I about DIED. I guess she was just letting me know that what I choose to share either verbally or in writing WILL be talked about openly. No hiding behind the pen so to speak. Hard lesson to learn--but maybe necessary.

Any way at one point I said I felt like crap because I was not able to care for my husband the way he wants me to. I feel like I'm not being a compassionate caring wife. I said I often times know what he wants from me but that I just can't seem to get my self to provide it. My T said, why don't you try to provide the things you think he wants. She assigned that to me for he next few weeks. Give him everything he wants and see if it help him feel better and me feel better. I wanted to just jump out and choke her.

I came home from therapy and was greeted with moaning and groaning. I can't do it! He is so needy and it is driving me nuts. The last two days he thinks he is incredibly ill and is dying. He as a 99 degree fever and has been in lying in bed both days. He's been taking his temperature a billion times a day, inspecting his fem incentively, hacking and spitting in every toilet, sink, and trash can in the house (yet still continues to smoke 2 packs a day). To make things worse for me he asks me repeatedly why I think his hips and back aches and his legs feel weak when he walks. I can't win in answering these questions. If I say 'I don't know lying around all day will make you stiff, achy, and tired'-- he gets pissed because I am insensitive to his pain. If I say 'I don't know maybe you have a cold or an infection'--he then starts worrying about what it could be and starts talking if he should go to the doctor.....I can't f'ing win.

I could barely breath in my session today but now I just want to explode. How am I suppose deal with this? Is this what a loving wife deal with on a daily basis and enjoy being able to provide TLC? Is my T just trying to get me to go insane?

[Perna]

If you need some relief from caring for him, I would suggest to him to get an appointment with the doctor. The doctor isn't going to put up with idle bellyaching and will give him a hard time about the smoking :-)

If you do wish you could feel better, see if you can find and use some humor. Think of ways to exaggerate what you find silly (go buy him a new "soft" pillow to put under his head that you can "fluff" every so often with him still lying on it, smacking its "sides" quite hard just inches from his ears? :-) Buy straws and serve him cool drinks with a straw in them like you would a child. Just do little "jokes" that cheer you but don't "hurt" him since he won't notice and will be getting more attention from you? Buy him his own spittoon so he doesn't have to use the trash cans http://www.mudjug.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=28

Use your imagination in fun ways and you might not mind so much that he is the recipient. Too, you learn more of what he likes and you can turn the tables and demand payback :-) In fact, everytime he likes something I'd remind him, "You know, payback is gonna be a *****!" so he doesn't think he can get away without gratitude :-) I thank my husband for all the little things he does (dishes this morning) and that encourages him to do those things again. If your husband does what he's "supposed to", what you'd like him to (doesn't spit as much, say), thank him for "not spitting as much today as you have been". When we thank someone for something they get the message we like that. So, he might quit doing some things he knows are obnoxious but isn't thinking about because they aren't being pointed out to him in a positive way. My husband only smokes in the new 3-season porch we built for him and our office which has an expensive, extra, heavy-duty smoke vacuum/fan thingy. But I still thank him every now and then for only smoking there, reinforce the good things he does anyway :-)

[smiley1984]

ask him what does he expects you to do, you aren't a dr.

I can't stand people who smoke and then complain about the consequences - remind him that he is doing this to himself, he has no one else to blame so shut up and do something about it, quit smoking

[sunrise]

How about just giving your H some simple, reflective empathy statements. Not sympathy or how to fix his problems, but empathy. For example, when he complains about his back, just say, "it sounds like your back has really been hurting you." That's it, nothing more. It makes the person feel heard, and you're not lying, because you're not expressing sympathy when you really don't feel any. See if he likes the empathy statements. Many times, they are enough and don't take too much out of us to give them.

I agree with Perna on the doctor visit. If he goes to the doctor who says nothing is wrong with him, then maybe this will help him move on.

I wouldn't tolerate the constant spitting in every handy receptacle. How gross and unsanitary and just plain bad manners. Yuck.

[chaotic13]

Thank you for the suggestions, I'll try them out. I am just such a shallow person. I'm supposed to love him and want to care for him when he needs me. What's wrong with me? I do and say the right things, but inside I'm going nuts. He wakes up at night and thrashes around until I wake up and ask him "Are you OK?" or "Can I do something for you?" Inside I'm thinking stuff that would not clear the censors. I feel like he just wants to share his misery so everyone sees how tough he has it.

As for going to the doctor. I'm sure he'll end up going at some point this week. His medical file has got to be a foot thick. He doesn't know what to do for him either.

I know my attitude is really bad at this point. Why can't I just give him what he needs? I can provide it so easily to my kids and I enjoy giving it to them; encouragement, hugs, kisses, coddling all the things they need to feel safe, loved, and cared for. But I can't transfer it to my husband at this point. I know its not all me, but some of it IS me. For some reason I can't just leave.

At the moment I am feeling like I want to explode. I feel like I'm on the verge of withdrawing again and I don't want to do that to my kids.

[Perna]

You're not bad being disturbed by his thrashing in the night and waking you! My husband did that last night then farted and then did the fan the sheets thing. We traded insults but in good fun and my husband decided as a result to get up so I could sleep better.

Your kids give you love back, as a saying I absolutely love says:

<font color="blue">The joy a mother takes in giving a child gives in taking. </font>

Doesn't sound like your husband is giving you anything. That's not you being bad or unloving, that's him not contributing his part!

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel like I'm not being a compassionate caring wife

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Well, maybe you aren't. Is it possible you don't care about your husband anymore? Have you explored that possibility in therapy?

Why do you think your T assigned you to focus on filling your husband's needs for the next few weeks? Does she really think it will make you feel better?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'm supposed to love him and want to care for him when he needs me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Who said so? Maybe you don't care about him anymore. Maybe this exercise that T assigned to you will lead you to some important self knowledge instead of trying to live up to society's expectations of a wife.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Why can't I just give him what he needs?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Could it be that you are angry at him? My husband did nothing to fulfill any of my needs for many years, and I am not an outwardly needy person at all. I think he was very angry at me. I don't know why, but that was how he showed it.

What does your husband do to fill your needs or does he just want one-sided care?

Is your husband an invalid?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
For some reason I can't just leave.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Do you mean leave your husband?

Sorry so many questions! (((((mckell)))))

[Mouse_]

Mckell, whats a loving wife? something we read about in those 1940 comics? your a woman in a partnership wiht another adult. You can't make an insane situation sane, it will just make you feel crazy. I don't know what the situation is re your husband, but he needs to take responsibity for his life and get help, if not medical then psychological. in al-alon they talk about the 3 c's, I didntn' Cause it, I Can't Change it.

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
My husband did that last night then farted and then did the fan the sheets thing. We traded insults but in good fun and my husband decided as a result to get up so I could sleep better.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
You succeeded in making me laugh here. When a similar exchange occurs in my home the response I get is "What I can't help it if I have gas!"

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Sunrise said:
Is it possible you don't care about your husband anymore? Have you explored that possibility in therapy?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I don't know what the (*&^ I'm doing in therapy at this point.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Does she really think it will make you feel better?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I think I detected a bit of sarcasm in her voice. I'm trying to take her comments at face value and not project or assume anything.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse said:
your a woman in a partnership with another adult.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I do remember her making a similar comment. That what I do for my kids is totally different.

As for what is a loving wife. I guess I have the image of Christopher Reeve's wife at his bedside gracefully accepting her responsibilities. I know it's stupid.

My T said something like.. 'No amount of therapy can make me change what I am feeling or not feeling. Your abuse is there, its always going to be there, you can't ease it, you're always going to feel victimized.' I think she was telling me I'm a lost cause. A victim, I'm what I despise most, a weak, frail, sorry ***, victim.

[Mouse_]

Mckell, I find it hard to believe your T would have said that your always be a victim. Yes the abuse will always be there, but how we deal with it changes. I heard somewhere once, that there are no victims, only volunteers. I'm sure you interpreted what she said incorrectly.

[chaotic13]

Hmm.. volunteers... so I singed up for this...

I know I'm not 10 any more, the bottom line is I need to separate myself from the things that trigger me.

[Perna]

Your T did not say you were a victim of your husband, she said you would always feel victimized. Your husband is not abusing you, you are abusing yourself putting up with your husband's bad behavior and/or not finding ways to overlook some of it to get to the reasons you presumably fell in love with and married him?

If my husband were to suddenly turn into a surly, bad-tempered, whiny cretin :-) I would have to look at that behavior in light of what I wanted for myself and why I think he had become such a person, whether I thought it was going to be permanent and whether I felt he "minded" behaving that way (there'd better be a lot of apologizing going on if he wants me to continue to care for him in that condition :-) He'd get some positive credit for the 18 years he's behaved well and like "himself". That's the key, I think, is your husband "himself" do you think? Is this who he is? If you haven't had a whole lot of positive experiences with him, I don't understand why you are so invested in staying with him and caring for him in this state.

[chaotic13]

I see your point Perna.
No he wasn't always like this. He had some obsessive tendencies with regard to his health and a bit self-centered, but I didn't feel victimized. His health is just deteriorating rapidly and everything has gotten SO much worse to the point that I am over the edge and can't seem to get back. I'm feeling guilty because we all get old, fat, wrinkle, less stamina, and sometime sick. We both don't seem to be handling these changes well. He is becoming bitter, angry, less motivated, and a lot more needy and obsessive. I'm being trigger with vision of my father hacking & coughing, the musty smell of smoke and decay, his teeth in a cup on the sink, laying around with is hands in his pants and carting around the 02 tank in his shooter thingy --lets not even talk about what this does to my libido. I know this is simply part of aging, but you don't have to submit and help it along. I am resenting him quitting and dragging me down with him. I feel like I am living with an 80 yr old instead of a 50 yr old.

[Perna]

Ah, I think I see. My husband is 65 this August and has health problems including being 150 or so pounds overweight and I'm about 125 pounds overweight. He smokes and would live on cheese hotdogs if I'd let him (he takes meds for his high blood pressure). I'm only 57 and seem to have a few more problems than he does, or at least he thinks so :-) He gives me a hard time about his being the one who's older if I start complaining about the aches and pains.

I think I'd resent my husband if he quit being the font of good humor that he is too. I know I can't make him stop smoking so I don't even try. The doctors and I scared him enough with my asthma that he now only smokes in his self-imposed places "outside" on the porch and up in the extra-smoke cleaner thingy den where my cats' litter boxes are too. I have my laptop here in my living room on a wireless network so I can assess my desktop computer up in the den from here My parents both smoked so I'm not uncomfortable with people smoking. Today he placed an order for more cigarettes with his store (I swear it sounded like someone making a connection with his bookie :-) and I recalled it was before the taxes went up the end of the year that he bought 6 cartons so I pointed that out to him that 6 cartons of cigarettes seemed a bit much for a month and he tried to say it was closer to 2 months and I pointed out it was only the 6th of February and had been just before the new year that he bought the 6 and my considered opinion that he was smoking more from habit instead of stress since he's been retired two years now. He agreed. I pressed my luck and suggested he needs to work on backing off the increase and he mumbled a reply. I take that as victory.

I think we can only take care of our selves. I'm sitting here now with a bag of potato chips open next to me. He bought them last night but I'm the one who's eating them, that's my responsibility. It's much easier when he looks out for me (he just called our health insurance to try to solve a problem with my bill; I get anxious and hate calling people about problems so thanked him and feel I "owe" him) and I look out for him (figure out what fruits and vegetables and other "healthy" food he will eat and make the effort to buy and cook/serve it to him) but if he weren't to "care" about me and my well-being, then I would have to do that myself.

Can you switch from looking at how he drags you down and take care of yourself for your kids? I'm sure you feed them well, can you feed yourself well and do activities with them so you get enough exercise? My daughter-in-law is 36-37 I think and was a "runner" in high school/college and she still tries to run. She and my stepson don't have much money but she splurges on herself by having a gym membership at a good gym with children's classes too that the 3 and 2 year old grandchildren take part in while she's doing her thing in the adult section. They go 2-3 times a week and that helps get her out of the house too.

I think the older person, chronic diseases take a bit of a time to build up. I've got a few of them scaring me but think "I'm only 57" and work from there rather than "borrow" the possible horrors of my future or remembered horrors of my parents' pasts? My father died when he was 80, basically of divertiticulitis. My appendix burst when I was 52 and when I was 53 I had my first colonoscopy and a polyp was found with cancer in it. I know my intestines are going to be one of my weak spots (I have subsequently gotten asthma and my mother's mother died of emphysema and my father had problems there too so I could go that way, also). My husband and I both weigh a great deal (600+ pounds together) and live in a little townhouse and I'm just waiting for one of us to fall down the little townhouse stairs? But I can't live and think that way, can I? I have to stay in the moment.

Right now, I put the potato chips away. My husband has gone upstairs to take a nap like he does most afternoons. I'm worried he has sleep apnea and will mention it to the doctor when we go to him together next month.

Do you use the same doctor as your husband? Do you go to his appointments with him or he with you? I feel better about my husband's health and concerns for mine (I keep his and my medication lists in my wallet in case there is an emergency and I have to tell emergency personnel what meds he takes or he has to tell them what I take) having a common doctor. We don't go to all our appointments together but usually at least one a year and it's a bit like a couples medical counseling thing where we are on common ground with a referree and can ask quesitons about each others' health. It's a little comforting, you might want to try that, tell your husband's doctor (and your husband) about your feelings about his medical issues and how he behaves?

It certainly is hard when we have issues and we're not getting any help from our SO and they have issues too. I would try to switch focus onto just my issues and help him as best I could and leave it at that, not feeling guilty I can't do more or that he disgusts me. My husband did not like the pain of dentists so just let all his teeth fall out and has dentures. But he takes pride in himself otherwise and is responsible and wears his dentures. When he doesn't shave, he doesn't want to kiss me or apologizes because he had a girlfriend in college who broke up with him because he didn't shave one day :-) His manner endears him to me and I see the stubble as "just hair" and a novel experience. But he cares about himself and I guess your husband is having trouble doing that for himself?

I don't know what to tell you, McKell. I know SO's influence each other but I think it is unfair for one to need to do so much. Do you ever talk about these sorts of things between you?

[chaotic13]

No we are not talking about these issues very well. I've been trying to communicate more. In this way therapy is helping me. This is where I need to step up and protect myself. It is just hard because there seems to be no time when he is not feeling ill or upset to raise the issues. For example he has had a low grade fever for the past few days. Today the only conversation we've had has been him calling me at works saying that he thinks he's got pneumonia has made an appointment with his doctor. Unfortunately, I will be at work when he goes. I also thought about calling his doctor and requesting that he discuss the need for antidepressants or therapy. However it is a busy center an the doctor will not likely get the message to call me before my husbands appointment.

Tonight was a typical exchange.

I stopped to pick him up some OTC's before coming home. I tried Sunrise's suggestion while on the phone and when I got home and heard his complaints it all again. (BTW he never once asked me how I was doing or feeling.) At one point he asked why I left the bedroom last night to sleep on the couch. I said, it was no big deal, I was having trouble sleeping because of his breathing and position changes. I haven't sleep well in a couple of days and just needed some sleep. At this he got angry and said he was sick of it. That I was avoiding him.. bah...bah.. bah.. Honestly most of which was true--last night I was triggered so bad that I wanted to puncture my eardrums and just curl up and cry. I did not say this to him. I did say, I was sorry I just needed some sleep. I let him vent and he left the room to watch TV in the bedroom. I eventually went back to the bedroom and said calmly, "Is that it , you attack me and then retreat to the bedroom?" He said no, he was just tried and feeling like %#@&#!. So I simply said, "Look I understand that you are feeling bad and I'm sorry I can't give you what you need." "I just want you to know that it is very difficult for me to deal with things too." "Your pain and illness affects me too." "It is even affecting the kids." (our 10 yr old asked me last week if his dad was dying). I said I am just really having a hard time dealing with stuff that I can't fix. Then I left the room. He hasn't spoken to me since.

If you were asking if I've talked to him about the stuff that I'm feeling from the past. No, mainly because he doesn't ask me what's the matter and because I don't want him to feel like I hate him. Some of the stuff he can't help but he can at least consider that I may need something now and then.

[chaotic13]

Perna, your interaction with your husband sounds a lot like the other post that discussed INTERDEPENDENCE. My comment there was that there needed to be some balance in this type of relationship. I think I could handle the aging situation better if i knew 1) he was trying to help himself, and 2) if he tried to consider or take care of me a little bit too.

[chaotic13]

I also wanted to say that since I crashed a bit last night, I was working on my own recovery today.

I decided to speak up.

I sent my T an email saying that I struggled a lot in our session. Specially when, against my direct request, she whipped out and read allowed portions of the letter I had written. I knew I would struggle if this happened and she did it that way anyway. I said I realized that I couldn't hide behind my writing, but that I would prefer that she try to address this differently next time.

I really felt like talking yesterday but when she did that I just couldn't deal with it. It was like I had all this stuff in my head that I wanted to get out and it suddenly just moved out of reach despite my efforts to say connected to it. Now I have to wait 3 week because she will be on vacation. I wonder if she will read that email to me next time?

[MissCharlotte]

((((((McKell))))))))

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain.

I think you should definitely insist on H seeing a physician. Tell him you are not qualified to dx his aches and pains and would feel bad if something were really wrong and missed.

I think Sunrise's idea of empathic statements is a great one. Even though he still complained, I think it's a positive frame for handling his complaints. I also think it is awesome that you expressed your feelings to him and made him aware of your children's feelings as well. Go Mom!

It sounds like maybe you are working this through with T. You are practicing with her, working on expressing your needs and getting them met. Keep working it through. You may not see it, but it is very noticeable that you are moving forward.

I'm sorry therapy is so difficult right now. You have my utmost sympathies. And you are never alone!

Peace

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:

It sounds like maybe you are working this through with T. You are practicing with her, working on expressing your needs and getting them met.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well I'm not sure about my success in getting my needs met, but I least I tried. And today, although it was through email, I let her know her approach last session didn't go over well with me. Not sure it this will make any difference in how the therapeutic relationship will work. Guess Ill find out in 3 weeks.

[sunrise]

(((((mckell)))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My T said something like.. 'No amount of therapy can make me change what I am feeling or not feeling. Your abuse is there, its always going to be there, you can't ease it, you're always going to feel victimized.'

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I just really disagree with that. I do believe abuse is something we can work on successfully in therapy. It would be a real downer for me if my T had such a negative attitude. It is hard enough when the client has negative thoughts. The T needs to be positive and offer hope! ((((hugs)))) I am hoping you misunderstood her.

mckell, is your husband chronically ill, or are his physical health problems minor or imagined/exagerated?

It sounds like he is really depressed to me, just based alone on his lack of good hygiene (smelling musty, decaying, & smoky, spitting into random containers throughout the house). He needs a doctor to give him the wake up call, if you have been unable to. I would urge you to speak with his doctor soon.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel like I am living with an 80 yr old instead of a 50 yr old.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">He does not sound like a 50 year old! 50 is not that old.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
BTW he never once asked me how I was doing or feeling.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Mckell, I have been there, done that for 20 years. My H never cared a fig for my health or well-being and certainly didn't "fake" it by asking me. Yeah, it hurts, and can breed a lot of resentment and anger when you are expected to give give give and he is not.

It is HUGE that you are speaking to him about the problems and telling him how he is affecting you and the kids. If therapy has helped you with this, wonderful! You are sticking up for your health and your family's health. Mama Bear!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I struggled a lot in our session. Specially when, against my direct request, she whipped out and read allowed portions of the letter I had written.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That sounds kind of hostile, or at least hurtful. I don't think the T should drag the client where she is not ready to go. I am glad you are emailing with your T about what does and does not work.

Oh, wow, a 3 week break right now! I am so sorry. I hope you will hang out here on PC and get some support during the break. We're here!

((((((((((McKell)))))))))))))
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I said I realized that I couldn't hide behind my writing, but that I would prefer that she try to address this differently next time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, it will be interesting to see how your T responds to this I thought your assertive statement was perfect! I need to do this more often. I just hate it when I am assertive, like when I asked my T if I could go to twice a week, and he answers, "no". It kind of cuts you off at the knees, you know?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Now I have to wait 3 week because she will be on vacation. I wonder if she will read that email to me next time?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That sucks, doesn't it? Maybe you could add "DO NOT READ THIS TO ME IN SESSION" to your emails. IDK. Maybe she would read that too, LOL. Good luck!

[Mouse_]

Mckell, I just get the feeling reading all this today, that no matter how much %#@&#! it all seems, you are really beginning to question it all! and that is great and shows that you are no longer happy to remain "victim" accept the working through it all doesn't look pretty, but it all finally works out in the end!

[chaotic13]

Thanks everyone,
Today for some reason I am in a really good mood.

Mouse your statement about me being no longer happy to remain a victim is correct. Yesterday I too read what I wrote and think I see a pattern. I'm not sure it is deliberate on my T's part but this is what I see happening during some therapy sessions.
1. She asks me to describe something my husband is doing, I tell her some things.

2. Then I start saying something like... I'm a freak...over reacting... insensitive...should be able to handle it better... need to suck it up.

3. She say she doesn't think what I am having issues with is abnormal, she validates that his actions seem unreasonable.

4. I of course don't accept that she is telling me that I'm normal and should be upset and that I if I just provide what he needs then everything would be fine.

5. So she simply tells, fine, force yourself to give him exactly what I think he wants and needs and see if that fixes the problem for both of you. I get pissed at her for suggesting this approach but try to do it anyway (this is the self torture part I like best).

6. I carry out the actions, realize how infuriated I makes me feel. He doesn't respond in a satisfied way either.

7. I finally OPEN my freak'n mouth and tell him straight out that I'm trying to help him and be compassionate but that his actions are intolerable.

8. He doesn't talk to me for a while. But I feel SO MUCH better because, I at least tried to communicate with him and fix the problem.

9. I'm presently in the refractory period where he is both hurt because I told him something he didn't want to hear but also on some level realize he is a needy &^%# that needs to get off his *** and help himself.

Now if I could only go to step 10 where I demand significant reparations on his part I think I could learn to live with a few intermittent times when he needed some coddling. I just can't seem to get to the point where I accept that I have needs and that this might be OK. This sounds stupid to write but obviously I'm find this difficult to truly accept and be comfortable with. Also since I never operated from a perspective I need anything from others, I have really no idea what I actually want--which makes it hard too. Can't be assertive and go after something if you don't know what that "something" is!

[chaotic13]

Soliaree and Sunrise,
You both commented on my T's response. I am very pissed about it and at this point, I'm trying to interpret things from her perspective. I would REALLY like to call her up and say, "look I need to know what you were thinking here and WHY did you do what you did?" But this is not possible so (good or bad) I am left to speculate --even though I know I should just let it go and ask her in 3 weeks.

Possible reasons for opening and directly discussing the letter in the session.
1. She had read the letter when it first arrive, dumped it in my file, saw it in there when she opening my file again when I arrived and just started there maybe not remembering my request "NOT" to read or let me even "SEE" it in my file.

2. She read the letter but felt compelled to openly discuss it directly. Maybe there is therapeutic objective she wanted to achieve that I don't understand.

3. She read the letter knew how ashamed, guilty and embarrassed I would feel if she did exactly what I told her not to do. Since all therapist like to %^&* with your mind and she has been unsuccessful in causing me to breakdown and cry in her presents...She decided this would be a good chance for her to see if she could really rattle me. She deliberately wanted to see if she could make me crash.

Hmmm... Which of these are is most realistic... :-)

I can be a total paranoid freak at times. Is this part of my victimized pathology?

[sunrise]

I vote for option #1, but maybe just because my T is forgetful. So maybe #1 or #2 for your T. If #2, it would have been good for her to start with, "I know you didn't want to discuss this letter, but it's so important, can we spend a little time on it?" That way she acknowledges your wishes, you don't feel ignored, and you have a last chance to veto the idea. Option #3 sounds too vindictive and like game playing, so I don't think that was it.

When she started reading the letter, you didn't ask her not to? Could you interrupt and say, "oh, you must have forgotten but I don't want to go over that letter in session." That helps her and her poor memory out.