Hello all,

I havent been in these forums for a while, mainly because I was dealing with things pretty well...until now.

I realise that what will follow will be a long post, and may be a trigger to many, so I apologise in advance but I hope you can read this and feel you are able to help and support me.

I will give a quick description of my past...I am a male, 21 years old, and I was abused when I was about ten years old by an older male. Because of this and other issues in my life, I grew up spending most of my teenage years dealing with deep depression and I spent most of this time on my own, in no relationships and with hardly any friends. After a few years I had dealt with everything well and I was able to get my life back on track, slowly. I still have few friends, not loads, but a few good ones. I don't socialise much due to the lack of friends. I have not had a proper sexual relationship yet. I am still a virgin. Earlier this year I met a woman who is the same age as me who I became attracted to, and we became very close. But as we became closer I found it triggered all of my memories and bad emotions linked to the sexual abuse. I ended the relationship before any sexual activities took place, I was scared sick. A few months on and it is worse, I am worse. I have slipped back into my depression and am really struggling to stay above water. The old suicidal thoughts have come back and I have just started a course of anti-depressants. All of this, including the fact I feel completely unable to commit sexually to anyone, leaves me feeling really unhealthy. I have heard several people or experts say that abusers tend to abuse. This has sparked a paranoia within myself and I find myself almost convincing myself that I will abuse. Of course, I dont want to and I never will, but I am finding more and more this fear of such a thing. I feel a failure because I have been unable to hold down a relationship and am still sexually unable to commit. It leaves me feeling really confused and I struggle to comprehend that sex and all linked emotions can be a good thing and can be a bonding process. To me, sex represents fear and childhood emotions. My T has said that I have emotionally gone back to that period in my life and that we need to focus on how to work past it. I suppose it's a form of PTSD? I am really scared. I dont want to feel like this anymore and I dont want to keep convincing myself that I am evil etc, I don't want to feel such an overwhelming sense of fear, dread and upset. I feel I am trapped in this fear and I am loosing faith that I will be able to work past it.

Has anyone reading this experienced the same/similar? Are you experiencing it now? How did/do you deal? I want to get better obviously and I would never let it get as bad as to find myself with the desire to abuse others and I want to be able to hold down a relationship with a woman my own age etc. I want a normal life and sometimes it feels so out of reach. I feel like this is something I am unable to get past. Is a normal, happy, healthy life out of reach?

The fear I have had over writing this is immense and so overwhelming. I feel constantly scared. Nobody in my family is aware of the abuse I endured as a child and I have a couple of friends who know of my abuse issues. I realise this post may be hard for some to read. If it's anywhere near as hard to read as it is to write then I really do apologise from the depths of my heart.

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.

[Sannah]

Hi Simon, I am sorry that you are in distress. I don't know the numbers but many, many people who were abused do not go on to abuse others. I think that you can work through this Simon. I am sorry that you are scared. Are you afraid of addressing the abuse because of the feelings that it stirs up?

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself with meds and therapy. That is the best thing to do, plus have hope that you can recover.
What you experienced was a terrible thing, and it would effect most in the same way. You were taken advantaged of, and your innocence was taken away from someone who should have know better. There are so many thing that were taken away from you from this person who perpetrated you.
I am glad you still could make some meaning friends along the way, that is so important. I imagine it might even be harder for a male to experience this because it is less known. I am sure your deep depression was a result of this abuse. So now when you were ready to start a sexual relationship with somebody you cared about, it triggered you back to the time you were abused. It sure sounds like PTSD, what does your T say?

I want to make a comment about abused tend to abuse also. Well most do not, but it is true that it can cycle through generations of abuse. The fact you are afraid of it, tells me you probably won't do it, you know how it feels, and I feel you wouldn't hurt an innocent child they way you were harmed. I was abused terribly as a child and now I am a mom who has 2 kids 12 and 13 who I adore so much and I could never ever abuse them. I read lots of parenting books because I had to re learn how to parent, since my parents did not show a good example

I also suffer from PTSD, and it is very scary. I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings. I have been posting the last couple of days how I am feeling, and I too feel along and scared, but wonderful people here told me that I am not alone with my feelings.

It is going to take time to rewrite you sexual feelings, and it is a up and down journey. You have taken many good steps torwards healing, first a T, 2nd meds, and 3rd, you have reached out here. These are good things and with your intellegence and will to get better, you will you are doing the right things.

I have found a really good T who I am working on some very terrible memories of child abuse with right now, so maybe we can support each other and other here on PC as we go through our processes. Good luck, and don't hesitate to keep writing.

Exoticflower

Originally Posted by Simon

Hello all,

I havent been in these forums for a while, mainly because I was dealing with things pretty well...until now.

I realise that what will follow will be a long post, and may be a trigger to many, so I apologise in advance but I hope you can read this and feel you are able to help and support me.

I will give a quick description of my past...I am a male, 21 years old, and I was abused when I was about ten years old by an older male. Because of this and other issues in my life, I grew up spending most of my teenage years dealing with deep depression and I spent most of this time on my own, in no relationships and with hardly any friends. After a few years I had dealt with everything well and I was able to get my life back on track, slowly. I still have few friends, not loads, but a few good ones. I don't socialise much due to the lack of friends. I have not had a proper sexual relationship yet. I am still a virgin. Earlier this year I met a woman who is the same age as me who I became attracted to, and we became very close. But as we became closer I found it triggered all of my memories and bad emotions linked to the sexual abuse. I ended the relationship before any sexual activities took place, I was scared sick. A few months on and it is worse, I am worse. I have slipped back into my depression and am really struggling to stay above water. The old suicidal thoughts have come back and I have just started a course of anti-depressants. All of this, including the fact I feel completely unable to commit sexually to anyone, leaves me feeling really unhealthy. I have heard several people or experts say that abusers tend to abuse. This has sparked a paranoia within myself and I find myself almost convincing myself that I will abuse. Of course, I dont want to and I never will, but I am finding more and more this fear of such a thing. I feel a failure because I have been unable to hold down a relationship and am still sexually unable to commit. It leaves me feeling really confused and I struggle to comprehend that sex and all linked emotions can be a good thing and can be a bonding process. To me, sex represents fear and childhood emotions. My T has said that I have emotionally gone back to that period in my life and that we need to focus on how to work past it. I suppose it's a form of PTSD? I am really scared. I dont want to feel like this anymore and I dont want to keep convincing myself that I am evil etc, I don't want to feel such an overwhelming sense of fear, dread and upset. I feel I am trapped in this fear and I am loosing faith that I will be able to work past it.

Has anyone reading this experienced the same/similar? Are you experiencing it now? How did/do you deal? I want to get better obviously and I would never let it get as bad as to find myself with the desire to abuse others and I want to be able to hold down a relationship with a woman my own age etc. I want a normal life and sometimes it feels so out of reach. I feel like this is something I am unable to get past. Is a normal, happy, healthy life out of reach?

The fear I have had over writing this is immense and so overwhelming. I feel constantly scared. Nobody in my family is aware of the abuse I endured as a child and I have a couple of friends who know of my abuse issues. I realise this post may be hard for some to read. If it's anywhere near as hard to read as it is to write then I really do apologise from the depths of my heart.

Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully reply.

[Capp]

((Simon))
exoticflower made some very good points that can help you.

jmo, but the majority of abused don't go on to abuse others. there is always the generational issues, but that's not what I'm talking about now.
If you were going to be an abuser then you would have done it by now, jmo.

it took some time for me, also, to work through intimacy issues. one of the first things I had to do was separate the abuse from sex/intimacy. abuse is an act of violence, intimate sex is not...it's a loving way of bonding.
it does present its own problems and I'm glad you and your T will work through it.

Walking the path of healing is daunting at first and you'll encounter many detours. It's just the way it is...
It does get better. We are survivors and we are brave...it takes an enormous amount of courage to seek treatment and the support of others who have gone through it.
I applaud your efforts, Simon!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are...we care.
We are walking similar paths and give a great deal of care and understanding to each other.

Thank you both for your replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

A lot of what you said makes sense, and I feel this place can really help me work past this.

What you said about the cycle is reassuring. As I said before, I do not want to abuse and I will never let it get to that stage. If I ever found myself at that stage, I would instantly take dramatic steps to insure it never happens. I would rather die than let that happen.

I don't think I am afraid to deal with this, I am more afraid of not dealing with it, letting it continue for many more years. The thought of that makes me feel sick with worry...I can't go on with this anymore, it needs to change. I have felt this bad now for a couple of months and even though I (rarely) feel "up", my down moods havent changed and I feel I would rather face up to it, to be honest to myself and others in order to really deal with this. I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?

Thank you, Capp. It is so good to know I am not alone. Even though my heart breaks knowing you have been through similar, it is also reassuring to know you understand. Thank you

[Sannah]

Simon, you say that you feel guilt, do you feel that you did something to deserve the abuse?

I don't feel guilty for the actual abuse because I know I was too young to stop it etc, I just feel guilty for letting it destroy me like this, you know? It isn't mainly guilt that I feel, it's just a small part of it. Mainly I feel afraid, scared, and I fear I will never get through it...all I see ahead of me is this fear and darkness...It makes me really upset, I'm teary now as I type...It takes a lot to be so honest as I have been here and it does stir the emotions...makes me upset.

I have an eating disorder that has been triggered by this recent depression, I had it a few years ago but had dealt with it...so I'm upset that it has come back and it makes it harder to deal with, that stirs that guilt feeling too.

I find things like Christmas really triggering, mainly I think because I used to love it so much and usually make a big deal over it but this year I feel so bad.

[Sannah]

I see........ Sexual abuse is a big monster to deal with. Actually it sounds like you have done very well so far handling it so you should feel good about that!

Do you have anyone IRL who you can depend on for support?

Do you think the eating disorder is an attempt to regain some control over your life because your feelings make you feel so out of control?

You feel like you have to be happy for Christmas?

I feel like I do need to be happy for christmas, for my family. My family have had a rough few years and they are being so supportive with my depression lately. Although I haven't told them about the abuse, I have told them I am depressed and they are all being great, which is good...maybe that's part of my guilt, I am guilty that I am with-holding the truth...but I will never tell them about it. I love and respect them too much to tell them.

I wish I could say I agree about feeling good about it, I sometimes feel good about it, but most of the time I feel negative, you know?

And yeah, I think the eating is down to a control, that and once my T said that it is a way of my body dealing with the trauma, that I am unable to process any physical food because emotionally I am processing so much, if that makes sense?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Simon

I will never tell them about it. I love and respect them too much to tell them.

I don't understand ^? Do you want to explain more?

You are very fortunate to have a supportive family.

[Typo]

Wow, Simon, I understand your post so well.
I have never been able to have a relationship or date because of the sexual abuse I endured in my childhood.
I am 18 and many of my friends ask me why I don't date, or have any kind of relationship with men other than friends. I am unable to answer their questions, it is a fear I have, I am unable to open myself up in that way. It makes me feel vulnerable.

I do believe it is possible to move past it all, to learn to be okay with these things, it just takes time. As for the guilt you mentioned, I think it is common to feel it, I myself feel guilt all the time over what happened in the past.

I don't have much advice, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Things will get better, Keep fighting, like Capp said we are all survivors and we are all brave.

[imapatient]

Simon, I can relate to a lot of what you talk about re: intimacy with women.

I lost my virginity at 19 completely due to her talking the lead. I was deathly afraid of even trying to kiss a girl (even after that): I froze up, couldn't get myself to try and make my interest for being more than friends as anything like that. It was painful for feeling the fear and in part feeling like a loser (and screwed up) as I watched people around me date or just hook-up. When I was physically intimate with her--we fooled around a couple of times before then--I would get so nervous that I would shake. We ended up being physically intimate to some degree maybe 10 times—never a “girlfriend.” I always got nervous and would shake. Something about intimacy, not just physical, scared the hell out of me. I couldn't ask anyone out for years and didn't have a girlfriend at all until 26. I had a 2 more one or 2-time sexual experiences until that age. I felt repulsive. Guys are still expected to take the lead--at that age? still?--I think, so that makes it worse for the barriers you have to get past, i.e. takign the lead. I watched girls/women go by my life that I was interested in that I thought were interested-enough go out with some other guy. It was crazy and painful to see them slip away with some other guy or just the possibility of anything happening just fading away.

If you're getting the help at your age as seriously as you appear to be taking it, that's a very positive thing.

I think that at that age "commitment" in a real sense is rare. Relationships are more superficial for more people your age than you'd think--superficial in the sense that they aren't so well-grounded, as emotionally/psychologically deep as they might appear to someone in that age range. Two 21 year olds who are committed still are likely less deeply involved than 2 40-year olds. It seemed to me like I was the only one not having relationships, but it's not that rare. My wholly mentally-healthy niece just had her first boyfriend that anyone knows of at 22.5. She's not the type that was sleeping with random guys. My likewise healthy nephew is 21 and has never had a girlfriend around. I see it in young adults that age all the time and think: Why did it seem like I was the only one at that age who never dated? I wasn't.

Not to diminish your issues, just that you're not the only one without sexual/relationship experience at your age. Getting past what are your barriers--that you are already aware of being there--isn't easy, but you're working on it seriously enough to be getting help, and that's doing what you can right now.

Hi Simon,

How are thing going for you? Just thinking about you, and hoping you are okay.
I was thinking about Christmas and what you said about it. It is such a hard holiday because you feel you should be happy for everyone else even when you are not feeling it.
I haven't even put up the decorations yet, and last year I barely did it. So just do the best you can. Only do what you feel you HAVE to do and maybe plan to take some extra care of yourself during this time. Maybe extra T appointments if you can. You will get through this, and maybe by next Christmas you will be throwing holly in the air on Dec 1.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Simon

Thank you both for your replies so far, I really do appreciate it.

A lot of what you said makes sense, and I feel this place can really help me work past this.

What you said about the cycle is reassuring. As I said before, I do not want to abuse and I will never let it get to that stage. If I ever found myself at that stage, I would instantly take dramatic steps to insure it never happens. I would rather die than let that happen.

I don't think I am afraid to deal with this, I am more afraid of not dealing with it, letting it continue for many more years. The thought of that makes me feel sick with worry...I can't go on with this anymore, it needs to change. I have felt this bad now for a couple of months and even though I (rarely) feel "up", my down moods havent changed and I feel I would rather face up to it, to be honest to myself and others in order to really deal with this. I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?

Morning Simon!

"I have a huge sense of guilt all the time, I'm not quite sure why though. Is that a normal feeling assosciated with victims of abuse?"

usual disclaimer of jmo/jme

guilt and shame play a huge part in our initial steps towards healing...and they can be the most destructive.
**both are draining and a waste of our energy**

Simon, please try and remember that you are looking back as an adult at something that happened to you as a child.
This is true of many people in recovery. We forget that as children we had no control over an abuser's action. Over time we come to think we were to blame; especially if someone doesn't believe us if we tell or we don't tell anyone about our abuse.

I want to add that as much as I understand your desire to protect your family...that is caretaking and does not help you. It may take you some time to share, or you may always keep it inside because you are more comfortable doing it.
Please evaluate with your T why you are doing this--understanding it at can at least lessen the feeling of being responsible for their feelings...

I've shared before that I had reached the point where I could no longer live this way...
I was in the middle so to speak. Miserable and angry, full of self-hatred, feeling so much shame and guilt.
It was pointed out that I could get out of that mire with help. Getting help meant times of anguish but I would have help and support getting through it.
No brainer to me...I could feel worthless with barely a chance to feel decent or I could tackle it...knowing I'd still have those feelings for awhile. The difference for me was moving forward and letting go of many things.

Is it easy? Not usually, and it fact it can also be so very hard to keep at it when you feel lousy.
Is it hard and draining at times? Yes. But guilt and shame were sucking me dry anyway so I might as well continue with my T.

Is It Worth It? A resounding Yes.
I went through stages of grief, anger, more anger, confusion but I did not give up...I knew there was something beautiful and peaceful coming to my heart.

Some days I still have times of feeling inadequate, but I know their source and can use my arsenal of tools to walk through it.

Simon, I've for the most part come to accept the abuse as a part--a part--of who i am...it's not my complete identity.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will have a measure of peace and laughter in your life.
You are a wonderful, absolutely wonderful human being who deserves respect and love.
This is one of the hardest things for most of the abused to learn--that it's all right to stand tall.

Know that you are in my heart as you continue your walk.
Your path is a solitary one, but it's also a parallel one. We walk our individual paths, but it's easy to reach out and take the hand of help from a fellow traveler.

Cap

Hey everyone,

I want to thank each and every one of you for your heartfelt, helpful replies, I am so grateful and it is so heart-warming to know you all understand and care. Sometimes when we are dealing with things we can grow to believe that we are the only ones who feel the pain, and it can be a very lonely place, so to hear you all support me and be there for me showing genuine consideration, really does help.

Sannah - When I said how I love and respect my family too much to not tell them, I mean that none of them know about it...I have kept it from them for over ten years, and I intend on keeping it from them for longer, I will take it to my grave. It will break my dad's heart if he found out about it, as it would the rest of my family. They can't help me with it specifically, and if they found out it would just make things so much harder.

Silversparrow - Thank you for your kind words. It helps me to know I am not alone in this, but I am very sorry you feel that way too...I find it sad that the abuse we endure as children can have such a lasting effect on our adult lives. How old were you when you were abused? I agree about the fear thing, it makes me so scared to even get close to someone and has made me breakdown in tears before (not in front of the person though) and even made me sick. When my mood is up I am able to believe I can fight it, and that it will get better, but when my mood is down, I can't believe it and I get so scared. I have noticed my moods usually play out in the same order - I wake up feeling really lousy and panicky first thing in the morning. Usually feel sick too. Once I get up and out for work I don't feel too bad but my mood will go up and down a little during the day depending if I am triggered or whether I think about it or not. Then by the evening I usually feel a little better...maybe that's the anti-depressants.

imapatient - It is such a relief to know you know what it's like, but as I said to Silversparrow, I am sorry you do know what it's like - I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy (not that I have one). Do the women ever question why you were panicking so much? It strikes me that you say you felt "repulsive" - that is something I too sometimes feel about myself. I agree about the commitment thing you said about. I believe I am very mature for my age and have felt more mature than most people my own age - even being told how mature I am. Yet I feel like I have gone back partly to a childlike state of fears etc. My T says this stress of the memories have caused me to become unbalanced and that it will level off with time and hard work. While I am on the subject of my T, I am unable to have more sessions and am currently only having one session a month. I have been going to therapy since I was 15, so 6 years now. It was 3 years into my therapy that I was able to finally share with T about the abuse. My T has been so helpful, she is my lifelong hero, and she has helped me through it all. She has given me some helpline numbers and websites to go on that are specifically aimed at abuse victims but I haven't felt like calling them or going to the websites yet. That's why I came back here, because I feel safe here and this site has helped me so much in the past, I knew I could return here and seek the help I need. I think maybe it's a good thing that I am unable to see T more often because it is helping me deal with these issues without being dependant on my T...up until a few weeks ago we were actually winding my therapy down in order to stop it, but becuase of my recent downturn we are continuing, but only once monthly. I too feel like I am the only person my age who isn't in a relationship, a lot of the problem is that sex is so highly publicised in the media, it is everywhere, and it drums it into your mind that you MUST be having sex otherwise you're a loser, you know? Sex is so highly publicised, yet it is still a little taboo so people just don't share the fact they feel sexually unhealthy or inactive etc.

Exoticflower - Thank you for checking in to see how I am, when I read that earlier I smiled as it is such a nice thing for someone to do. It made me feel so less lonely, so thank you for that. In regards to Christmas, I am trying really hard to make it work, I usually am really into Christmas and am usually the one who drives people along at this time of year, spreading the festive spirit, so it feels un-natural for me to feel like this, and it makes me feel confused and frustrated about it. Maybe 2009 will bring a lot more happiness and freedom of this pain...

Capp - I know this may make me sound a bit un-educated, but what does "jmo/jme" mean? I have been able to work past the sense of shame about actually being abused, the shame I feel now is about myself and the way it has affected my life. The guilt and the shame are so draining and makes things ten times harder to handle. With my family, I can't say I feel responsible for their feelings and I have thought very long and very hard about telling them, but I have decided to never tell them. It isn't fair on them and I know it wouldn't help me, my dad is a recovering alcoholic and this will push him backwards. It just isn't logical or fair for me to tell them. I understand why you say maybe I should, but if I could see how it would benefit them positively to know, then I would consider it, but it won't. All of what you say about fighting it and carrying on makes so much sense and I agree, when I feel lousy it feels like I just want to give up, and it really pushes me, but I try to keep fighting it. the stage I am at now is where I notice how I am talking myself into a bad mood, and when I start feeling good I tend to think of the things I know will make me down...I am working really hard on getting out of that stage, to think positively and not be hard on myself. Before this was triggered, when I felt happy, I was a really positive person. I have been through some tough stuff in my life, more than just the abuse, as have so many others, and it had taught me to be positive, to look at the good side of things. So when I find myself in this rut I am currently in, it again feels un-natural and leads me to feel like I'm loosing myself, so trying to hold on to who I am, and to what I believe, also takes a lot of energy. Thank you Capp for the assurance that this will pass, the help I am getting here at PC, in the space of 24 hours, is overwhelming and so so so so touching. I feel it is really helping me with it.

Again, thank you all for the help, we all know how hard it is, and how tough it is to keep going when all we want to do is give up. You don't realise just how grateful I am for this...

[imapatient]

Simon, you do sound mature for your age. I was going to comment on that initially, but sometimes it sounds like a back-handed compliment: "Since you're so mature you should/shouldn't be blah blah blah."

I never got the 3rd degree from any of the women--it was just the first couple, but of course they asked what was going on. It got better with time. Most of the worst abuse came from my mother, so in a way I felt powerless with women; threatened.

A problem that came with the lack of relationships and limited sex experience was that I was so self-conscious of that and of intensely wanting that and trying too hard. Another problem that came from feeling so unattractive and of being afraid that no involvement would ever lead to anything but a platonic friendship is that I avoided developing things that were "just friends"--if I was interested in her, being "just friends" felt like a complete rejection by her. It was an "all-or-nothing" attitude that was harmful in the long run because I short-circuited things to stop becoming "just friends" or tried to push for something more prematurely that I missed out on relationship opportunities that might have developed. Or "just friends" which could have helped me learn to relate better to women in addition to having more friendships.

I think one of the worst ramifications of abuse is that it gets in the way of developing relationships with other people that would help you experience more trust, intimacy, and just being with others that might be the thing you need most.

[Slippers]

I just wanted to post this link for the Male Survivor website for those who might need it.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/

Slippers

[Capp]

Simon,
Jmo=just my opinion and Jme=just my experience
Someone also had to tell me what they meant so don't feel bad about asking...questions give us answers.

I also came to the conclusion that sharing most of what happened would serve no purpose; what was done was in the past. All they knew was that I was abused as a child. Judging from their reaction on this basic sharing showed me that saying anything more would confuse them, and it actually would not help me.
I do understand your decision. Each of us has to make that decision based on our own experiences...

Simon, it's good that you recognize there are stages of recovery; some harder than others. It's part of the process of healing. Recognition does not make it easier in my opinion. Jme, but for sometime it made it more difficult.
I wanted to skim over the rough spots and jump into the better ones. Reality is that I was in and out of both places...there were hours when this would happen...I ended up being glad when it became days!
I always call it the roller coaster ride.

Simon, please do everything you can to let go of the shame and its' affects on you. It only serves to block you from feeling a measure of peace and of self-love.

I do not want to offend you so let me say right now that the following is only my experience, ok?
There came a point in my recovery that I knew I was hanging on to the guilt and shame because
#1 it was what I was most familiar with and it frightened me that there was going to be nothing left of me if I "gave it up."
#2 in a strange way, I was getting a payoff by holding onto it. It kept me as a victim and not as a survivor. Believe me when I share that it took some time before I knew this was true *for me.*

Hindsight allows me to understand that I had no intent to do these things...I was doing my best at the time to not stop cold and refuse to go any further. It's akin to taking a rest stop on the recovery highway. Instead of resting and moving on, I set up a camp and stayed awhile.
All part of my individual needs and fears.

((Simon))
Christmas is going to be different for you this year...it's a disappointment, I know. And I'm very, very sorry about it.
I do hear in your reply a willingness to do the best you can, but there's an element of grief when it happens to us.
Awhile back I had the loneliest holiday season in my life, and that included my time in Nam...yes, that Christmas was actually worse than the two spent in a combat zone.
I started changing my life around Thanksgiving and it obviously continued beyond Christmas and my January birthday.
Perhaps seeking the gift within this different Christmas may help...the gift being that you are allowing yourself to continue your healing.

You remain in my thoughts,
Cap

[Sannah]

Simon, all of us had interrupted emotional development because of the things that happened to us/our unhealthy environments. We all got to adulthood and found ourselves as 4 year olds, etc. emotionally. We can all heal and catch up developmentally with our emotions.

Also it sounds like you might need to work on your personal boundaries so that you can feel that you can protect yourself around others. When a child is sexually abused what they learn is that anyone can do anything to you and you are powerless to stop it. Yes, as children but not as an adult. These powerless feelings of that 10 year old need to be dealt with so that the adult that you are today can take over.

I'm really glad that I have met you here Simon!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by imapatient

I think one of the worst ramifications of abuse is that it gets in the way of developing relationships with other people that would help you experience more trust, intimacy, and just being with others that might be the thing you need most.

Isn't this the truth! Working past these barriers and getting yourself with healthy people is the route to take! Healthy people see you and this is what makes it uncomfortable. Many people stay with the unhealthy people because they do not "see" others and you can hide with all your insecurities right in front of them. Facing these insecurities and working through them is liberating and very healthy.

[notz]

Simon,

The living members of my immediate family know who my primary sexual abuser was. Their children know I was abused, but do not know by whom. It would serve no useful purpose to tell them.

It goes like this...my father's best friend abused me for years. He eventually became my sister's father-in-law and naturally my neice and nephew's grandfather. I will never tell them--even though they are adults now. There isn't a good healthy reason for them to know any details. All anyone needs to know is that I was violated and I bear various scars because of it.

This evil man is buried in the plot next to my father, as close as if they're side by side. I assert the irony here emphasizes that we human beings are enmeshed in forces beyond our comprehension and control. Part of my journey is honest comprehension of what, when and how. I like to think of his resting place as eternal punishment for what he did to me!

I share this hoping it enlightens your pathway to healing. You are well on your way. Bless your sensitive soul.

notz

Thanks again for all your positive, helpful comments.

Today has been a good day for me, I woke up feeling pretty positive and after a few minutes I was feeling even better...I have felt good all day today actually which is such a bonus. I was working this morning until lunchtime, and I was ok at work, felt fine, then after work I felt really positive and enthusiastic...even towards Christmas. My family were out all day today and so I spent the time buying new Christmas decorations etc and did the house up really nice for when they returned. Many surprised faces that came home!! hehe...

In reply to your comments,

imapatient - I wouldn't have been offended if you said I was mature, I think it's a good thing, and I certainly wouldn't have seen it as a back-handed compliment. I understand completely about your fears over women when you were a little younger, that is exactly what I am going through now. The main character trait I have noticed with myself is that I flirt with women, and I find it really easy to attract women (people often comment on it too) and I genuinely fancy them, but as soon it becomes more than flirting, if it becomes anything that could lead to sex etc then I freak out and back off, which gives off really mixed messages to the woman in question. I do feel I am fairly confident with women, and flirting etc, but only if it is from a distant. I guess when it becomes more I see it as invading my private space, something that the abuser has only ever done, so I immediately assosciate the situation with the woman to the same as when I was abused, and all the negative emotions...and that is too much for me to handle so I freak out. Can I ask, imapatient, are you in a relationship now and if so, how do you cope with it, how did you get past the fear etc?

Slippers - Thank you so much for that link, I clicked it and I spent some time going through the site, and I stumbled upon the "Myths and Facts" section, most of them related to me and I found it so encouraging to read the answers on that site. That lifted me ALOT, thank you for that!! I'd recommend anyone to visit that site if they are going through the same/similar.

Capp - I completely agree, sometimes I feel I am holding onto this as a way of feeling victimised...I want to move past this, and I feel I am making some really positive steps towards doing so. I was in an awful state when I first made this thread, and I had got to the point where I was feeling rubbish ALL day, today has been the first day for 2 or 3 weeks where I have felt good all day. I noticed at some points today how I was thinking of the things that trigger me, (as I said in a previous post about beating myself up un-necessarily - bringing myself down) but I was easily able to detach myself from that and get back to positive thoughts etc. Your experiences really help me know that there is hope and faith, and cause to continue fighting. It gives me so much strength, thank you, Capp, it is helping me so much.

Sannah - Thank you, I am glad I met you too, you have helped me so much, and once I am able to clear the mist from my view I hope to help you and others here too who seek what I cam back here for - help and support. Can I just say to you Sannah and anyone else reading this, I am always up for talking and my PM is always open and I will always welcome anyone who messages me. One thing about myself and my opinions of others is that I am very trusting. I always have been. I tend to look for the good in people when everyone else looks for the bad...I trust a bit too easily really...I learnt to forgive the abuser and in turn it has taught me how to forgive people that do less damaging things to me. Does that make sense?

notz - It must be really hard for you to visit the grave of your father knowing who is burried next to him. My mum died when I was 14 and I visit the grave fairly regularly, so I try to understand how I would feel to see the abuser's grave immediately next to my Mum's. Do you visit it often? Thank you for your post, notz. Knowing there are people here who understand and care enables me to carry on fighting it...it was the best decision I have made lately by coming back to PC.

Simon

[notz]

Simon,
I now live in a different city so no, I don't visit the grave site very often. Both my parents are buried there as well as my daughter, so, I do go from time to time.

I am cognizant of his/abuser's proximity when I'm there. But I prepare myself as best as I can and if it doesn't go well, then I leave. To be perfectly honest, I feel some empowerment seeing his grave without visiting his grave--if that makes any sense! I'm not sure how to explain it. The hard part are the memories, that remains the real saboteur.

I'm around, pm anytime.

notz

[littlelori]

Hi simon. I just want to encourage you on your journey of recovery. I just started talk therapy and meds in september and I feel so much better. I do still have bad days but I'm learning the skills to cope with them better. I am so sorry you are struggling.

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Hi Simon,

I am so sorry you are hurting so bad, but I am glad you are taking care of yourself with meds and therapy. That is the best thing to do, plus have hope that you can recover.
What you experienced was a terrible thing, and it would effect most in the same way. You were taken advantaged of, and your innocence was taken away from someone who should have know better. There are so many thing that were taken away from you from this person who perpetrated you.
I am glad you still could make some meaning friends along the way, that is so important. I imagine it might even be harder for a male to experience this because it is less known. I am sure your deep depression was a result of this abuse. So now when you were ready to start a sexual relationship with somebody you cared about, it triggered you back to the time you were abused. It sure sounds like PTSD, what does your T say?

I want to make a comment about abused tend to abuse also. Well most do not, but it is true that it can cycle through generations of abuse. The fact you are afraid of it, tells me you probably won't do it, you know how it feels, and I feel you wouldn't hurt an innocent child they way you were harmed. I was abused terribly as a child and now I am a mom who has 2 kids 12 and 13 who I adore so much and I could never ever abuse them. I read lots of parenting books because I had to re learn how to parent, since my parents did not show a good example

I also suffer from PTSD, and it is very scary. I want you to know you are not alone in these feelings. I have been posting the last couple of days how I am feeling, and I too feel along and scared, but wonderful people here told me that I am not alone with my feelings.

It is going to take time to rewrite you sexual feelings, and it is a up and down journey. You have taken many good steps torwards healing, first a T, 2nd meds, and 3rd, you have reached out here. These are good things and with your intellegence and will to get better, you will you are doing the right things.

I have found a really good T who I am working on some very terrible memories of child abuse with right now, so maybe we can support each other and other here on PC as we go through our processes. Good luck, and don't hesitate to keep writing.

Exoticflower