Marriage separation after deployment

Your wife makes no sense.
Either she wants you around 100% or she doesn't.

It's not fair to keep stringing you along, this "I hate you don't leave me" tune is unhealthy.

Time for you to make a decision, and hopefully stick by it, if not for you, then for your boys.

Because if it's up to her, she'll keep her safety net around for as long as she needs.

Just to clarify, I don't mean play hard ball and do exactly what she accuses you of (controlling) but IMO, its perfectly alright to say "make up your mind woman. You in or you out?"

Ok maybe not in those exact words, but you get the gist, and she needs to know she can't have one foot outside the door.

Best of luck, and if you disagree or dislike what I say, feel free to chuck it in the fukcit bucket, just my perspective.

Ok, at least she has been honest about how she feels. I have felt that way myself. It's hard when one feels that way to know what to do about it. It's hard when one loves another person and that person does something that brings in a lot of doubt when it comes to "trust".

A lot of people can suggest she is manipulating and playing you etc. But, I think this problem goes a lot deeper in that it's not "just" about you and this has a lot to do with her lack of trust in herself as well. All the behaviors you have shared here about her have revealed how very confused and unsure she is of herself. She has exaggerated all her feelings towards you and even herself by all the actions she has taken, many of which were not "healthy" for her marriage, herself, or her family.

What she is really saying to you is "I don't know how I can live with the hurt I have when I caught you interacting with another woman". It hurt her self esteem which was fragile to begin with. It created a hole in her that she kept trying to fill, even when it came to spending time with a married man. She was also looking to fill that void from others, even her friends that probably encouraged her to feel anger towards you.

Unfortunately, a lot of people try to fill "voids" in themselves in unhealthy ways. Instead of gaining from these unhealthy ways of filling the void, they only make it worse too.

You "both" are responsible for the damage that has been done to the trust factor in your relationship. Sometimes with "help and guidance" that can be healed, and sometimes the damage is just too great. Your wife should be spending time with a professional that can help her understand "her" hurt and what she can do to "grow" from it and what to avoid doing that only makes it worse. The two of you struggle, have been for a long time, when it comes to communicating with each other. That is why "both" of you sought out other people. This happens in a lot of relationships which is why we now have therapists that have skills to help people learn how to better communicate with each other.

If the two out you got "help" you will both learn. Even it the two of you come to a decision that your "marriage" relationship is over, you both can learn things that will benefit how you interact with each other around your children and also how to advise your children when they have challenges in this area down the road in their lives too and need help.

OE, I respect your insights I do, but when do you suggest or suppose enough is enough?
Where does the OP draw the line in the sand and do what's best for him and his sons?
When does the decay of this marriage stop being solely about appeasing the Mrs?
When do his needs, wants and desires get to matter?

I'm sorry if I haven't been the most empathetic poster on this thread, but I personally just think this whole "woman scorned" bit has been done to death.

You don't give someone you love hope like that and then 60 seconds later do a complete 180 and smash their heart to pieces all over again. It's cold and callous.

Its just plain wrong.

I agree with you both. I agree to the fact that I caused all of this by texting another female. I know my actions cause majority of the stuff she is doing to me. I also believe that she CHOSE to hang around this other man as a way to say "I can do what I want and you can't control me".

The big difference between us is that I'm ready to move forward. She keeps saying "We need to move forward because you are ready, but I'm not at the moment" She never said she wanted a flat out divorce or I'm pretty sure I would of gotten the papers. I just don't know what else I can do on my end except take care of my children and try to be successful at work. It's really difficult cause I know she is hurting and she said it numerous times indirectly. She feels she needs to finish school and do what she needs to do to provide for the kids as my betrayel ruined her trust. It's tough cause I still want to be with my wife and have my family back. It just seems to be on her timeframe and not mines

The more I hear about your wife holding out a bit of hope and, then, snatching it back, the less I can believe this is all about her being hurt over the texting incident.

Dad, I think you want to believe your actions caused "the majority of the stuff she is doing" because it helps you hang on to the idea that she was - and can still be - really in love with you. I don't think she is acting like a heart-broken woman at all. She strikes me more as a gal who got bored to death with her marriage and is finding life as a free agent way more interesting. She's not giving that up. I'm beginning to suspect that your wife has some sociopathic tendencies.

But hang in there as long as you like. Time will reveal all.

Hey DadFMF, I just came on to see how you were. I have a lot of catching up to do but see that others have helped along the way.

I don't want to hijack here. A lot has happened with me as well. My husband reneged on his word re marriage counselling/mc (although he agreed!) and we have since separated. I needed to TRY that, the mc route because we didn't seem to know how to help ourselves - the MC was my only hope for 'mediation,' clarity and civil-toned discussion, a go between ... but he just gave up. With that, I think that if it isn't that important to him to want to try anything to save the m, that it doesn't mean that much to him.

It seems as though you are at a neutral space as opposed to 'negative value' one from the little I have mulled over. Will 'back track' to see how things developed for you, but in the meantime, I wish you well (as always)

I don't want to tell him what to decide, I am just trying to help him see some things he may not be seeing. I do not have her input to consider. Remember he shared that before all this happened they did not really have a relationship but became basically just room mates. Maybe that is something she doesn't want to go back to. Maybe she was really lonely in that relationship and realized that while spending time with others.

I don't see the wife as stuck on the hurt. I see a woman manipulating a man by giving him just enough breadcrumbs so he stays dangling and giving her free childcare, his military benefits, and a scapegoat to blame everything on while living like a single woman. She seems to want all the benefits of being married (the things listed above) without the hassle of having to be accountable for her own dalliances.

Completely 100% agree

Well, it's possible she is only biding her time like that. After all, none of the posters who are speculating have any of her input.

But, he is not just babysitting, he is spending time with his children and his income and benefits are contributing to his children's needs. It's so important that he not be encouraged to feel that he is only just babysitting and embrace making his children feel they are loved and even though he is having relationship issues, he needs to make sure that he does everything he can to help his children feel safe and loved and never discuss them in any way they can hear in a way that contributes to their feeling they are not important and loved.

That being said, it sounds like his wife was an at home mom and her relationship with her husband was just living in the same house as basically room mates. Her statement of "I gave you 10 years"? Well, she got bored and catching him interacting with another woman was the straw that broke the camel's back. She was not happy with her life and decided to get a degree in nursing and become more self sufficient and social. She is finally "finding" herself because her history was that of going from home right into a marriage, then that failed and she met him and got married again and had two children and her life became "giving" to them and she ended up getting very bored and also experienced low self esteem.

"You are ready to move forward with the marriage and I am not"?, "I don't want to go back to who I was"? "I don't want you calling the shots for me"?
This has been going on for more than just the last 6 or 7 months, she has been unhappy and bored for a while. She did not want her identity to just be a wife and a mother and her marriage was boring and all she had was a room mate. And that is what she considers living "his" way and that is not something she wants to go back to. And "if" he says anything to her about "if we get back together you can't do this or that", it's going to only make her push him away simply because of where she is mentally right now and IMHO, what she is "loathing" is how lonely and bored she was and it was probably going on in her for a while.

Honestly? I saw a lot of this going on in my piers at that age. I felt it myself, I was bored and lonely and often felt like a single parent as my husband had issues and was hardly home. Thinking back? My husband was selfish and if I had known more about how selfish he really was, I would have definitely divorced him. I loved being a mother, but I was very lonely in my marriage.

It would be interesting to see what posters would say to her if she started a thread in this forum. Just saying...

Open Eyes, I never said she couldn't have friends or A life. I do demand respect and boundaries though. I agree we should have went to counseling a while ago, but I never physically hung out or brought my kids around another woman. She did all this behind my back. I'm not saying what I did by texting was right, cause I was wrong. Sometimes life and priorities change when your married, you are no longer single. If individuals wanted to live a single life, be single and don't have a family. That faze will get old after a while. It's been definitley a learning lesson either way.

I just feel a decision has to be made at this point. We haven't lived together in over a year. If she wants the single life, come and go as she pleases and stay out all hours of the night or to hang out with members of the opposite sex who's motives are not good, BE SINGLE! Then Atleast you won't have to answer to someone. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Can't be married part time

She can do it on her own tell her.

Think about it like this......

Hi, I am 34 and I have been married to a man who is in the service and I have been with him for a little over 10 years now. I have basically focused on being a mother and a wife and my marriage for a few years now has been basically that of us being room mates. I have been so busy with my children and honestly, I have been lonely and bored and I am realizing that my life is slipping away and I don't have an identity of my own. I basically got married really young and I did not get a chance to really be on my own, my first marriage did not work out and ended in divorce and I met my husband and fell in love with him and got married again. But, now I realize that I still did not really get to have a life of my own, not really.

So, one day I happened to catch my husband engaging in a kind of online romance with another woman. When that happened it really hit me, "what am I doing?", I don't really have a social life, I did not really have a marriage, I mean we basically just shared a home, we were strangers really.

So, next thing I know my husband is off on deployment and I am really seeing how very alone I am, and him interacting with another woman makes me feel like he just doesn't care tbh. He says he stopped talking to this other woman, but for all I know he is still talking to her while he is away on deployment. He was not really loving towards me, our relationship was not really a relationship. Yeah, he apologized, but, honestly it is not feeling like he is really all that sorry and now I just don't trust him. We connect and I interact, but honestly I am just not happy. He brings flowers and says he is sorry, but that just doesn't mean anything to me, I was an unhappy person for a long time, more then he realizes and I don't want to be that person.

So, I decided to make some changes, after all, if I am going to change anything I will need to have an education and a job and I have decided to go to nursing school. It's hard going back to school, to read all this stuff and Nursing school is hard. I only hope I can make it and actually get a nursing degree.

Well, I also met this guy, and he's married but we really hit it off and we actually TALK. It made me realize how much that was missing in my marriage, how lonely I really was. I know this guy is married but it's so nice to have someone who I can talk to, who I can get advice with, and share where I am and that I am trying and how nursing school is hard. I like how this guy has faith in me and is so supportive about my biting the bullet and making an attempt to be somebody. Idk, I find that I like this guy more and more and it's confusing. I have also made friends too, god, I missed that as it's so nice to have other adults I can talk to and I had not realized how I had missed out on that, how isolated I really was.

Sigh...Idk, I need time to think and I don't want my husband to come back home when he gets back either. I want to finish school too, and honestly, it's such a challenge and if I am going to finish, I need people around me that are supportive of that. The more I am around others, the more I realize how much I was so bored and hated my marriage. I loved my husband but that just wasn't enough and since I caught him romancing that other woman, honestly, that just made me realize even more that I really was "alone".

Well, this other guy? Well, we stay up late just talking and I am finding I really like that, never really had that with my husband. And I have stayed over his house when his wife was away and we stayed up talking. He is bored in his marriage too, it's nice to have someone who can relate. Idk, for the first time an a really long time I feel "alive". I don't want to go back to that dead life I had.

So, my husband came back and I told him I needed space and he is not living home. I want to focus on school, but I also want to be with friends, I don't want someone telling me what I can and can't do. When I see him now, all I feel is how he was cheating on me and how lonely I was in my marriage and how much I don't want to go back to living like that. And when he does come around he gets demanding and wants to know what I am doing etc. and I am finding I don't want that either. And he keeps asking me to decide and I feel pressured because I am not in any way ready for that right now.

I can't afford to support my children and be on my own right now, I have to finish nursing school and it's hard, nursing is hard, gotta keep focused. My friends tell me to focus on that, take time for myself and let him pay the bills and be a father and spend time with the children. I have to do that all on my own when he is deployed. If I get a degree in nursing I wont be so dependent, I don't want that anymore, I want my own life too.

So, he comes around and wants answers, but honestly, I just don't have answers right now, only that I was not happy and then he began flirting with other women, he says it's only one and he's sorry, but honestly, I don't know what to believe. I am finding that not only did I hate what he did, but I hated how boring our marriage got and when he comes around, that's all I think of. And honestly, now that I have experienced a guy that I can actually talk to, that actually takes an interest in me, I don't think I can go back to the life I was living. I do love him, but, I don't know if he can be that kind of person where I can feel I have a partner and someone I can really talk to. Sigh, I don't go back to that kind of life, that much I know. I just feel so lost right now.

Open eyes, like the assessment, but she needs to make a decision. If she wants to end it, see a lawyer and donthe right thing by filing the paperwork

So while she is stringing me along, living her life ect, I should be doing the same thing, hang out with women, have my kids around it just be cause I'm "Bored" in my marriage, cause you know that will make everything work out great (Being Sarcastic).

Out of the year though you were deployed for nine months. So, it's only been a couple of months since you have been back and around?

I understand how you are upset and I am not saying you don't have a right to be either. You set some things in motion and your wife out of anger etc. went out with a mindset of anger. Her ego and self esteem was injured and she acted on that.

What I wrote in my post above is a "possible" of what she could have going on in "her" mind. Remember, I don't have any of her input and I only have your version. I can't call her a bad person and I certainly can't diagnose her as being disordered in some way either. I could steer you in the wrong direction and encourage your decision, but I don't want to do that, that's none of my business and the decision between a couple is not something I would want to be a part of either. I can see you are taking time with this decision and I can respect that. Not to mention the fact that this is not "just" about you and her, you have children together and in that alone you will have a relationship with each other as their parents.

You were both bored with your relationship, you were just room mates. THAT can happen in marriages and that is when a partner is in danger of straying outside the marriage looking for the companionship that is missing in the marriage. This age you both are at right now? This is the age where marriages can fall apart like this. Actually, the trend that is taking shape now is how people are waiting longer before getting married and having children.

This generation is a bit different in that the dynamics have changed in that women are encouraged more and more to have their own identity and not have to "get permission" from their spouses. You are not the first to stand in confusion like this. I am 60 and when I was in my thirties I did see the affects of this change where women wanted more than just "I am a mother and wife role". Women don't feel secure with that anymore either. The trend for women now is to be more independent.

I never said he was babysitting his children I said she wants him to watch the kids while she goes and sleeps at another mans house and goes and pretends she's a single woman instead of a married mother. He is in the right wanting to spend as much time with his kids as he can which is great. But to punish a man for texting by sleeping at another man's house, then dangling her love just beyond his reach. That punishment just doesn't fit the "crime" of having a conversation. I see no confusion on her part just sheer manipulation. Filing for divorce would end that ability for manipulation which is why I feel she won't file.

I agree with this.

We haven't heard the wife tell her side, but we are getting reports on her behavior. (I believe Dad tells the truth on that.) Action speaks louder than words. Her actions are simply not the behavior of a woman in love. I do not see where she is coming from a place of a wounded heart. She sounds like one cold-@$$ schemer to me.

No, that is not what I am saying. I can see you are frustrated and how that can lead to angry sarcasm. I can see you are trying to be "responsible" and I respect that.

I posted that "possible" from her perspective because I think what was missing in your marriage for both of you was important. Think about it, "what was your relationship?". Did you do things together, did you engage in each other and sit up late and just talk? She talked about dating, did you ever actually do that? Or, are you just asking her to make the decision about the marriage? See, there is her life, and your life, and the life you build together, and the life you were supposed to be building together was missing so you looked elsewhere, and that hit her ego and she looked elsewhere and realizing something that was missing.

Did you take vacations with each other? Did you make plans to have some quality alone time with her? Did you take her out and wrap your warm hand around hers and go for walks or bring her into you in warm ways? Or, did she just live around you? I have a feeling this other guy did some of that and she realized how that was missing in her life.

What is an actual "date" to you, would you actually know how to plan it? Would you think to pack a dinner with wine and take her to the beach and sit by the water and eat and have wine and take her hand in yours and walk along the beach with each other? Would you be able to just talk and leave out what you want of her and instead just have a nice evening out with her?

Also, can she do that "with you" too? What is your idea of a marriage? Maybe you should date and actually see if you could actually have a relationship with her. I think you both need to know that because if you can't really have that then you should get divorced and look for someone you "can" have that with.

Hi Apokolips, I don't know if you were directing this post towards me or not. Honestly, I don't know who mentioned that babysitting, or if it was the OP even.

Now, did you read my post about a "possible" post that his wife might present? Now, I don't think she should have stayed at this married man's house, especially not with her children. Yet, the "crime" itself is more than just her catching him cheating online with some woman. The crime was how they were living for a long period of time more like room mates than an actual couple engaged in a relationship. This is a crime "both" of them committed.

Could she be stringing him along? Sure but I don't know that, all I know so far is his side of the story. I also don't know how long she has been lonely either. He got lonely too, and he acted on that when his wife didn't. Well, that opened a door and someone else snuck in and paid attention to her.
Add into that the chemical high that takes place that I posted in that link and that brings on more challenge.

Then something happened to that relationship, something shut it down and she experienced the depressive low, the chemical crash. She invited her husband in that night and he got close enough to sit on her bed, but she was too busy experiencing the chemical crash and distanced.

Then she said something like, "you are wrong for me" to her husband. Then he pushed her for a decision and then still in her chemical crash she said "well get a divorce then". Then as she is slowly recovering she has second thoughts.

I don't think his wife knows what to do, but I do think she doesn't want to be lonely like she was in her marriage to him. I don't think she knows how to talk to him about that. I think she was trying to figure that out when she talked about dating before making a decision. I think for her the question is "taking him back could be going back to being lonely again and that's not what she wants".

They both were bored with the marriage, otherwise he would not have reached out to some other woman for attention, ego boosting, and excitement and stimulation. The crime started before that and both of them share the guilt in that. They are strangers and have been for a while. That's not a relationship, not when a couple are just room mates.

This is a cross road and maybe they don't connect like they should. She seems to be pushing "him" to make the decision and it's in limbo, which is how things were before this blew up the way it did.
I think whatever went south in that other relationship she had burst her ego/self esteem all over again too. She's still in a paradox of confusion (IMO). And I also think she doesn't want to be in a lonely marriage which is what she had, what they both had.

If that were Mrs Dad's post, we would strongly suggest Marital Counseling, which she would then promptly shoot down, and like in this very thread, nobody would understand why she doesn't file if she's clearly not interested in salvaging their marriage.

Again, her words and actions do not provide any indication of a woman who is committed to her husband.

I'm not even married and used to be vehemently against therapy, but I sought it out and committed myself to the process because I knew it was the best shot my relationship had.

Lets summarize her actions without the emotional synopsis:
One minute she is hurt and wants him out of the house, and refuses to speak to him, next she invites him over, but states he can't stay because it would send the WRONG message to their boys to see their parents together. Then she wants a DIVORCE, no wait now she wants him back home, but oh yes, NOT as her husband, she can't trust him...

I understand being confused, I do, but see the huge difference in how she vacillates?
Tiny bit of pull, please stay with me, compared to Big strong messages of I don't want you anymore.

I'm sorry to sound callous Dad, but I call bullshyt because you deserve better than being yanked around, being in limbo, waiting for her next whim to provide you with an instruction.

I think the big strong message is more about not wanting the kind of life and relationship she had.

It sounds like they are both somewhat passive because neither of them are making a decision about this situation. At least Dad has reached out for therapy. By the way, what has the therapist's input been?

No, she is not committed at this point. That's been changed and yet, there was not real "interactive" relationship going on for a length of time either so what were they committed to, being room mates?

Well actually, I was thinking more along the lines of being committed to the vows you took, being committed to repairing the relationship, being committed to the man she chose, regardless of what their relationship looks like in the present. Being committed to improving what they have, being committed to building a future with him.

There's lots to be committed to if she actively chose it.

She hasn't chosen commitment, and therefore I cannot and would not show support for her actions, even if she were to post on this board.

I also know that when anger take over (which goes far beyond) JUST a wounded heart, wise decisions go out the window because it is the emotional mind that has taken control. I also know from personal experience that the anger of feeling trapped in a marriage with no skills to care for one's self when it becomes realized is a lot more difficult to get over than just a wounded heart also.

When things are set in motion by EVEN a text to a woman what is set in motion is a lot more than just that wounded heart.

From personal experience if nothing is done to fix the anger as in working together to give her a real understanding (not just nice words) of a real cooperation & being on board with her realization of her need for her own identity, that anger only grows & she may not even be aware of it. I know that the anger I went into my marriage with & didn't even realize what it was at that time, only grew with each action (not words) that in reality countered that need I had.

Yes, a bad marriage grew & should have been ended but the reality of what was REALLY going on I didn't understand until after spending 33 years in that bad marriage mostly based on my anger that grew instead of any love. Realized love had never been there.

I think your wife's REAL reason for her behavior should be looked at & what exactly needs to happen in her opinion& in yours to bring it back to a marriage that is acceptable to both.

No more texting women (obviously your text wasn't just innocent business) & male friends are not acceptable for her. Acquaintances are one thing, close friends are another. I worked in an almost all male computer engineering career & did a lot of activities with guys I worked with like racquetball at lunch & group lunches....but even in my bad marriage I NEVER had a relationship other than work acquaintance with any of them....so what she is doing with the guy is not ok if the marriage is ever to work but....getting all the not ok's out on the table & agreed on & there is no reason why child care can't be arranged while she is finishing off her education....that would be all part of the agreed upon demands on both parts.

For me, that was a key issue in my anger toward my H because I went into the marriage with the understanding that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING was going to get in the way of my degree....he agreed. Then when I ended up pregnant the first thing he said was "oh, you can JUST take 5 years off school until the child is old enough for school". That was when the REAL WAR began. I needed support not that kind if idiot male thinking. It worked out but honestly the feeling of anger that hit from that never did go away because I always felt I needed to keep a watch out & fight to protect my right to being an individual in the marriage.

What I am trying to get across is that what you may be dealing with is a lot more than just her being hurt by finding the text. She very well may be feeling totally not supported by you in her finding herself & the anger in that feeling ends up coming out in very wrong ways because maybe she feels your real support of her need really isn't there.

Unless you BOTH get on the same page to support each others needs, you might as well write off the marriage but MAYBE she keeps hoping that you will come around to meeting her need which might be why she is stalling with getting the divorce. I know STUPIDLY I kept hoping my H would change.....it NEVER happened but I kept hoping for 33 years while my anger just kept growing....I now understand why he was incapable of change, or support, but most guys don't have the ASD & both H & W are capable of making the changes needed to make a REAL marriage work & come to the needed agreements.

We aren't hearing her side....but if it's anything like with me, I didn't recognize my own anger at the beginning....just thought it was frustration as I was not able to understand my emotions at that point in my life due to the dysfunctional family I grew up in. When depression hit me badly, they kept saying depression is anger turned inward....even after 20 years in the marriage I didn't recognize the anger I was REALLY feeling & holding onto.

There are a lot more emotions that are going into the mess you are dealing with than what you even imagine & if she IS waiting to see a sign in/from you to know what she really wants to do with the marriage then she needs to communicate that just as you are rightly communicating what you expect....she is just demanding friends but she needs to figure out what support & actions she really needs from you so she can feel secure in her future career. The resolution of meeting her needs is something both of you should be working on so she doesn't have to depend on that male friend for the support she is needing & looking for in him.

Thank you all for your responses. I do want to support her going through school, I do want our marriage to get past this with boundaries set. I feel that we don't have to be separated in order for her to accomplish that. I have needs as well as my love language is touch and affection. I haven't physically touched my wife in 14 months (Deployed 9 of those). I want to go to counseling but she says she to "busy" and doesn't have time for it. So how can I throw everything out on the table when she refuses too? Plus she's been lying about things that I even have proof of.

I could have left a long time ago after getting beat down but I'm still here trying to make it work. I could go sleep around if I really wanted to but I don't want that. All I ask for is 100% honesty. Is that to hard to ask? There are only 2 ways this can go, there is no inbetween