[terrieL]

I really need some help with my situation desperately!!!

My husband and I married 1 1/2 yrs ago. He is so sweet, affectionate, loving, caring and loves me to death. He also suffers from depression and is on meds. He has been abusing cocaine a few times a year and is also an alcoholic.

I knew he abused cocaine but never understood the drug or its affects and he promised he would never use again so I believed him (naive). I also knew he drank but he controlled it back then and lately he has really dove into it and can't stop. He drinks 6-12 beers everyday and all this is causing lies, deception, sneaking, hiding and he blames me for him doing it. All this is devasting for me.
I am so hurt and cannot trust him anymore so I figured that at this point before our marriage gets any more involved and felt the need to escape from the pain I filed for divorce.

I had spoken to several people and they believe I am better off with my decision.

Now that he has moved out I am feeling remorse and after searching for more answers and alot more reading on his depression and drug/alcohol abuse I have alot more understanding. But what am I to do at this point?

I spoke with him yesterday and mentioned to him about attending marriage couseliing and he said no its over and I need to get on with my life. Then before he hung up he said he is so depressed and misses me so much and loves me I told him I feel the same way but we hung up crying.

I am so pissed that all this has happened to our beautiful marriage and I so love him still and I want this to work out but I don't know how.

My sister reminded me that I have alot at stake here because he has no assests and I have my own home and retirement 401k and I am still under the statue of limitations. She is right so I do have to think about that but my heart still wants him back. I want him without his addictions because that is what drove the nail in the coffin in the first place.

Though he did mention he has cut back on his drinking and is going to seek help next week.

Do you think he will quit his drinking? What can I do at this point? I really don't want to lose him but nor do I want to lose everything I have either. I want him back and to really try to work on his addicitions and I will be there 110% to support him.

Any advice is most welcome please
Thank you.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Terrie...Welcome to PC!
I understand how you love this man. Alcoholics/addicts are very sweet and charming, lovable, but at the same time will ruin your life! As long as he is using/abusing any substances, you are at risk emotionally and financially. Let me tell you...you will lose everything you own if you allow yourself to continue with him in his present state, and it will take tremendous longterm effort on his part to get himself clean. In the meantime, you can't be his enabler. This really is a case of having to take care of yourself first!
Love
Patty

[terrieL]

Thank you Patty for your advice. I guess I already know this deep down but I need to keep hearing it I guess.

What I am hoping for in the near future is that he realizes his mistakes and gets the help, stays clean for aleast a year and comes back to me wanting to re establish our relationship. I have no desires or intentions of seeing anyone else at this point. I am going to sit and wait it out and see if he comes back.

I hope he really doesn't think its over and I hope that he sees that our being together was really the best and that he wants it back.

What are the chances of this happening?

[seeker1950]

Terrye,
Let me ask you...Does he have a job and able to "function" and be self-supportive? If so, that is a good thing. If not, do not support him financially at this time....You will only be on a losing end by doing so.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Terrye -- Have you considered going to al-anon? I have been in recovery for a very long time, and these weekly meetings can really help with support for you're going through. You will gain an understanding of co-depency, enabling, and start to make fine distinctions between love and your own needs that can feel like love but spring from your own needs.

It's important to visit a few groups, find one where you fit, and stick with it to help you through these emotionally rough times.

And of course, you can find support here, too.

[terrieL]

Yes Patty, He is what I have learned, a functioning alcoholic. He has a decent job to support himself. In fact he works harder than anyone I know. He will work all the overtime he can get his hands on.
In one of our previous conversations, I told him he needed to turn his life around and we discussed his drinking problem. I told him that he needed to figure out what he is going to do to replace that time he would of spent drinking.

I think that put some thoughts into action because last week he worked the overtime instead of going to the bar and drink. He said he didnnt drink all week but that Friday night he will probably drink, which he did and I think he had a hangover the next day.
So it sounds like he is taking certain steps and is trying.
But he is very sick with his depression and having anxiety attacks and told me he might have to get different medication.

I can see and understand what he is going through. He is fighting two addictions plus a broken marriage and being tossed out on his own. I really feel for him and I sincerly hope he will be ok. I really worry about him.

[terrieL]

Thanks Fly,

I have attended 2 ALanon meetings so far and plan to keep attending. I do find it very helpful and hear the similar horror stories and it scares me.

I can see his denial now even though he does think he is in control over it. I now know better.

I am hoping the fear and shock of suddenly being on his own and being responsible for his own life will wake him up before he gets way to messed up.

I just knew after attending the meetings that It would take more than just me nagging him about it. He needed more than that, and I needed relief from the pain he was causing me. I have learned through Alanon that the lies and deceit are the outcomes of his addictions and really are not intentful but It still hurts me.

[terrieL]

I am sitting here crying my eyes out because I miss him so much. I want to talk to him and I want to see his face. This all just hurts me and him so bad. I just hope I haven't hurt him beyond repair.

I am hoping that through is seeking help that he will see the damage he caused and realize why I did what I had to do.

Do you think I should tell him that when he is sober that maybe we can try again?

[sabby]

Hi TerriL and Welcome to PC I'm glad you are here.

I was married for 14 years to an alcoholic and it wasn't pretty. He also suffered from depression but refused treatment for either issues.

You have done him a service by having him leave and be responsible for his own actions. Alcoholics will lie, will place all the blame on another party, nothing is ever their fault. We as loving partners will play into their addiction and become enablers without even realizing we've done that.

First and foremost you must look out for yourself. In no other way would you be able to help him at all if he sucked you dry both emotionally and monetarily. Sometimes helping him means letting him suffer the consequences of his actions. But remember this very important thing, it is NOT your fault. You are not the one shoving the coke up his nose or the drink down his throat. He may have started those addictions as a way of self medicating through his depression. As we all know, alcohol is a depressant and only exacerbates his depression.

You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you are willing to do what it takes to help your situation. It will not be easy, and it will hurt. But you must stand strong for your own sake. My prayers are with you and your husband and I hope he reaches out and finds the help he needs to kick his addictions and recover from his depression. I can tell you love him very much, make sure you turn your love on yourself too. You deserve it!

Hugsssss,
J

[terrieL]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sabau2 said:
Hi TerriL and Welcome to PC I'm glad you are here.

I was married for 14 years to an alcoholic and it wasn't pretty. He also suffered from depression but refused treatment for either issues.

You have done him a service by having him leave and be responsible for his own actions. Alcoholics will lie, will place all the blame on another party, nothing is ever their fault. We as loving partners will play into their addiction and become enablers without even realizing we've done that.

First and foremost you must look out for yourself. In no other way would you be able to help him at all if he sucked you dry both emotionally and monetarily. Sometimes helping him means letting him suffer the consequences of his actions. But remember this very important thing, it is NOT your fault. You are not the one shoving the coke up his nose or the drink down his throat. He may have started those addictions as a way of self medicating through his depression. As we all know, alcohol is a depressant and only exacerbates his depression.

You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you are willing to do what it takes to help your situation. It will not be easy, and it will hurt. But you must stand strong for your own sake. My prayers are with you and your husband and I hope he reaches out and finds the help he needs to kick his addictions and recover from his depression. I can tell you love him very much, make sure you turn your love on yourself too. You deserve it!

Hugsssss,
J

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks so much for your encouragement and advice and thank you for the welcome. It really helps to know thier are people out there who understand and want to help.

I felt the same way about what you said " Sometimes helping him means letting him suffer the consequences of his actions."

After numerous attempts to let him know how I felt I ran out of options and said to myself this guy won't get help until he hits rock bottom and I don't want to be emotionally, financially drained waiting for it to happen or IF it would EVER happen.
I forgot to mention that I grew up with both parents being alcoholics. It was bad. I told my husband I grew up with it and swore never to be one and never wanted it in my marriage.

J, I don't know how you dealt with it for 14 yrs! What is your story on the final straw? What finally after all those years you decided to call it quits?
Was you able to just walk away pain free from all the abuse?

Let me just let everyone here know that my husband is NOT phyically abusive drinking or not. He does however get verbally abusive at times. He gets somber in his drinking, but yet his drinking is more of a social drinker he likes to be with a alot of people like in bars and he can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. He hates being alone.

I did realize one thing as I look back is that for a while there I would go to the bars with him and then I got sick of it, It was just getting to be too much so I told him I don't want to go anymore or aleast not that often so he was mad about it and decided he will drink anyway without me. Which really spiraled all this. I told him he made me feel like a drinking buddy and not a wife.

He is very hurt right now and thinks its best we not see each other and he certaintly doesn't want to come here to the house because it tears him up inside. I understand that.

Could you answer me this? Do you think we should keep our lines of communication open ?

[Direction]

First Welcome to PC...

It sounds like he is out of the house? If so to protect yourself you should have a separate maintenance agreement (separation agreement) to protect all that you have...

Separations can be for the purpose of getting back together...or divorcing...

One thought about that...if he wants and you want the marraige to work...it probably will mean separation from him for a good amount of time (Realistically 2 years clean and sober...)...so he can get back on the right track...and you can take care of yourself...

[recluse1]

i agree with Direction about the seperation agreement. not only will it protect you but it may also be a wake up call for him. he will see that you are serious and intend to stand by what you have said about not having the addiction in your marriage. also i would like to know if you have invited him to an alanon meeting? just ask him to sit in. he doesn't have to participate, just sit there and listen. alot of times addicts like to pretend that their problem is their own. hearing how addiction has changed and effected people close to the abuse is alot of times a shock. because they tend to write you off as over-reactive so they don't have to deal with the guilt.

best of luck,
recluse1

[asylumgardens]

Welcome!

I have an alcoholic, cocaine using and depressed dad, not husband, but I saw how my mother had to deal with him.. Like others have said, he promised to get better and everything and he never did. They are also right that if you do let him stay, his problem will eventually spiral out of control. He won't remain "functioning" forever, and whatever money you do have, you will definitely lose from his addictions. My father even went so far as to sell my stuff that had been mine and my brother's since we were little kids.

On the brighter side, there is hope. About 9 years later, my mother and father are not together (the alcohol, etc made them divorce) but they can be civil with each other. My brother and I speak to him weekly, and I am going to stay with him in August..

My advice, based on what I've seen in my life, is that you should separate him from your home at this time. I don't know if you should divorce or just separate for a while, but you need to have him out of there until he does seek help. You offered, keep offering. If you both love each other, you should be able to at least get some counseling and help from a third party. Your friends will all say you are better off without him, but in your heart you still love him.. whether or not you end up with him, you need proper closure other than a call where you both hang up crying. That is not healthy for either of you. I strongly suggest asking him again to seek couples counseling of some sort..

[sabby]

Hi Terri,

Yeah, 14 years was tough. We split many times during those 14 years and for good during the 12th year. It took 2 years for the divorce to go through. He was fighting me regarding custody of the kids.

I think, in answer to your question, about my defining moment of getting out was the last huge fight we had where he had his hands around my throat choking me and pushing me out the door of our home, in front of the kids no less. After I got out of the choke hold and back into the house, he threw a hot iron at me and I began to hyperventilate. It was then that I called 911 and had him dragged out kicking and screaming and brought assault charges against him. Our physical battles were becoming more and more frequent. His emotional and verbal abuse was always bad.

It took me that long to finally realize that there was no hope for us, for him. When you are abused by a person, your self esteem is ZERO. You begin to believe every lie they tell you. Something snapped inside me that day and I realized it was either going to be me or him dying if we continued on. I refused to die so I did the only thing I could do to get out of the relationship. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.

Did I walk away pain free?? Oh hell no. It is never pain free. There were a zillion pieces to pick up and put back together. There were children involved who's pieces had to be picked up and put back together. I battled inside me with guilt, love, hate, despair, and everything else you could think of.
To be quite honest, I'm glad I went through it. I learned so much from the experience and it has helped shape who I am now, some 20 years later.

I know you say he is hurt right now. That's ok. So are you!! Sometimes we need that time to regroup and reshape our thoughts about what is important to us. It is very difficult to think clearly in the beginning. So many different thoughts running through your mind, not to mention emotions running high and low.

I agree with the others about having a legal separation drawn up. It will protect you while things are being worked out one way or the other.

If at all possible, yes, keeping communication open is always a good idea. But, should he become combative regularly with you, blame you consistently for the way he is, refuse to get help for himself, find he is spiralling downward even more, you may want to consider cutting back on the contact. Those situations will certainly bring you down and make you feel more guilty, which is not where you want to go.

In most situations where separation/divorce comes from substance abuse, communication will have to be cut. Until the individual has been in therapy, gone to AA consistantly and is really showing improvement for a continued length of time (6months or more), they cannot "see" their own responsibility in the relationships demise. They become angrier and more abusive. Those are my opinions from what I have been through myself and what I have seen happen to family and friends going through the same issues.

I'm sorry this was long. There is so much to say about situations like this and I do tend to get wordy....LOL.

Hugssss
J

Oh, and one more thing, we have a wonderful forum for Substance Abuse Issues here. Take a look around and feel free to post there. You will get come great feedback from those who have been on your side of things and those who have had the substance abuse and are working very hard to stay sober. They are a great inspiration and full of knowledge

[regrets]

I too was married to an alcoholic for 23 years, I have a big problem with co-dependency. My life is an emotional hell because of the hugh responsibility I feel for him. I am no longer in love with him, the drinking took care of that. I love and care about him as a person. So get out now since you have only invested 1 1/2 years into this relationship. You will be saving yourself. He will choose his path and you are not responsible (took me 25 years to learn that).

Good Luck and you are wiser that most, at least you realized early on; unlike alot of us!

[Wants2Fly]

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terrieL said:

Do you think I should tell him that when he is sober that maybe we can try again?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You can tell him, but he will hear what he wants to hear through his dysfunction and denial. When he is sober and starts to reflect on his life, he may want to make amends on his own. He has to get sober for HIMSELF not for you, or it will just remain a string of promises and "trying" to get sober. I apologize if I sound like a know-it-all about this, but I was a drunk for 19 years and grew up in a home of two drunks. The behavioral patterns are well-known and obvious, once you understand what to look for.

I suggest that you not build your future around waiting for him to get sober, which may never come. If it happens and you are still free, it will be a nice lucky bonus for you.

[terrieL]

Hi Direction, Sorry I am just now posting after about a week. I've been working alot of O.T..

I suggested the Seperation agreement with him and asked that I talk to my attorney about it of which I did. Unfortunetly the attorney says it can be for only up to 6 weeks ! I was shocked about that.

Once I told my STBX he said "forget it, I just moved into my apartment 2 weeks ago and I am not ready to even consider getting back together right now"

So it seems he likes his newfound freedom because I am not there to remind him about his drinking I guess. So later he called me back and left a message saying alot of hurtful things including I dont want to be married to you anymore.

That really hurt but I know deep down this is for the best for both of us. I 've had a week now to do alot of soul searching and yes granted I have made alot of mistakes too but I realize he really isn't ready to settle down either or otherwise he wouldn't have been out running around and been home instead. I think he was excited about our relationship at first and I was the one he would marry after 10 yrs of being single but I really don't think he was ready for the commitment.

Thanks for your help Direction. It was a shot anyway.
Terry

[terrieL]

Hi Recluse, Thanks for your advice here. I did offer to take him to alanon and he was ok with that for a couple days then he changed his mind and said no that there was nothing left for us to try at this time and wanted the Divorce to continue.
<sighs> I guess this is meant to be no matter how you look at it. I guess time will tell. I will just have to keep moving on.

Thanks again so much appreciated!

[terrieL]

Hello Asylumgardens,

Thanks so much for your interesting post. Yes, I too grew up with both parents drinking. I remember all too well the fights the agruing, the crying. Too painful to look back. Thats why I cannot live with an alcoholic, much less a drug addict.

I feel for you, I can certaintly relate. So your parents divorced huh? My dad left my mom for a couple months but a couple years later my dad died of cancer and 9 months after that my mom died of cirhossis of the liver ( from drinking)

So, it really is painful. I hope your years ahead get better with your parents. So much damage has been done there.

My STBX is living on his own now. It will be interesting to see if he makes it on his own. He has never been responsible for bills etc... on his own. He hates dealing with that kind of stuff, he'd rather just focus on his drinking.
I wonder if he will drink more now than ever though.

I doubt if he finds anyone else that thier relationship will ever last more than a couple months because they will see what I see and run !!! hehe.

He told me we will get the divorce since it will only take 60 days and give ourselves some space and see where we are at in about 6 months or so. We'll that depends entirely on him and what he has accomplished about his drinking and drugs by then. He holds the key.

Thanks again for your post and advice. I am already there.
Terry

[terrieL]

Hi Sabau,

Thanks for your post also and it really hit my heart. I am so sorry all this happened to you. You tried to hang in there and keep things together but then things got out of control. I am glad you were able to end it because when the alcoholic becomes physically abusive then he is way out of control with himself. How scary it was for you to suffer like that.

I am glad to hear you are doing much better right now. Do you know if he is still drinking or not now? Sometimes nothing wakes them up and learn.

As far as keeping our communication open, yes I was hoping for that but I had to silence his cell phone ( his only phone) because he owed me money for monthly usage and I never got one penny from him. So for now our communication is nill, but thats ok, I don't want to talk to him for a while now. I just want to heal and think without hearing his voice. I want to cry and heal and when I am emotionally better I can talk to him better at that point.

The worst part for me now is the loneliness and the house seems so empty. It is summer, time for fun and liveliness with your partner and now I don't have one. I imagine what we might be doing right now and it just hurts.

All my kids are grown and on thier own and they have activities already planned this weekend and so does my brother and sis in law. So now I have to figure out what I can do by myself. Any ideas?

Thanks so much for your post. It brought tears to my eyes. But I am so glad you came through it alright.

Terry

[terrieL]

Hi Regrets,

Thanks for your post. Wow I can't imagine 23 years of this hell !! What kept you in the relationship so long? Was he a functional alcoholic? Worked and all?

Can you tell me a little about your life with him? What made you decide to leave?

Does he still drink?

I'd like to hear your story.

Thanks,
Terry

[Direction]

I'm not sure where you live...I'm not sure the attorney was asked the right questions...But it appears since he moved it doesn't matter...he gave you his answer...

I had a stipulation order which is what is put in place before a divorce is final...(it took 12 months for it to be final) The stipulation order spelled out visitation, who paid what, lived where, got what vehicles, nothing permanent it is a temporary order, etc...before the actual divorce division was decided on...this protects both parties...

If you PM me your state I will do some research...if you are not in the US...Maybe someone else here can help

[run2white]

How painful, Terrie. You've received some good advice here. You have to make the right choices alone as he's not capable. It doesn't mean he will never become stable and whole, but you absolutely must protect your assets and options in a business-like manner. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving him or being friends with him. But the chances of ever sharing your assets responsibly in open trust with him are slim, in my opinion. Depression is a monster that can slip in the smallest crack under the door in the quiet of night. It takes time and practice.

I suspect he hasn't hit the bottom just yet. And after he does, if he truly wants another shot at life with you, you must be strong enough to make good decisions. Write down your boundaries, the lines you won't accept being crossed. It's going to take some time for him to get it together in a meaningful way and you can't make it too comfortable for him (if it comes to that) to break commitments to his own stability and health.

I found NAMI to be a very good organization for support.

[regrets]

Hi Terry,

What kept me in the relationship so long was the fact that I did love him very much for many years, plus we had a child, and I didn't want to break up the family. It wasn't until our daughter moved out that I began ending the relationship. I went about it all wrong, I had an affair but that gave me the courage to do what I have done.

Yes, he was functional, he worked. He is the type of person when he does something he goes "all out" including the drinking.

He continues to drink to this day.

Read my post, listed under relationships, it is titled ***tired of FEELING STUCK**** Can't move forward or go back.

I am trying so hard to be the person that I used to be. Being with someone who drinks or uses drugs affects you so much, and you don't even realize it until it is too late.

Good luck to you and I hope you find your answers. I know how disappointed you feel, it gets old feeling it over and over, all the broken promises.

[terrieL]

Run2white, Thank you for your helpful post. I understand what you mean about treating my assests in a business like manner, thats what I am trying to do but sometimes when your on this emotional roller coaster its hard to divide yourself if you know what I mean.

Your absolutely right about setting boundaries. I have already tried to do that before I filed for divorce but he seems to want to have it all his way, so I said there is nothing else to try and I guess this means we are done. I told him to leave and find his own place of which he did. I think he is happier now because I am not there to set those boundaries and he is free willy at this point.

It just hurts so bad to think I was not worth it and to just throw our marriage away just like that without a fight, especially when he convinced me that I was the one for the rest of his life!!

Thanks for helping,
Terry