Secrets, Lies, And Deceit.. All For Being Thin?

Maybe.. But it's not just that.. I saw a new counsellor yesterday, to start work on my childhood abuse and the rapes.. It was really tough, I almost cried at some points.. She said first of all that she sees me as a very brave, courageous girl who, despite all the s**t she's had to shovel, still pushes on and holds even a glint of hope. That felt good.

The childhood abuse talk led into talk about my eating.. I found this part difficult, too.. I couldn't tell her that I've been restricting, not yet.. It was the first time I'd seen her and I just wanted to give her a bit of background information. But.. Yeah.. My childhood abuse, being called "fat", "ugly", "chubs", is partly what caused me to start restricting years ago.. It wasn't that major tbh, but since the year before last, the restricting's become more frequent, less amounts of calories, less fat grams, counting more and more and more, until my whole day is consumed by counting.. People say I'm starving myself, but how am I starving myself if I'm still eating? It makes no sense to me..

Connor says I've lost weight, but I don't believe him. I say "are you just saying that to make me feel better?" and he'll say that he's telling me the truth, yet I still can't believe him. What will it come to?
It's not just about being thin for me, though.. It's about control, it's about something to think about, concentrate on instead of my problems, something to make me feel 'at least i can do something right' and that's being thin, that's getting that control, that's being able to distract myself from my problems.. But is it the right way to go about it? people say no.. but if it keeps me going through the day, able to get on with my life, then.. I see it as a good thing. It's not a problem to me..

I hide the fact that I'm restricting, I think I hide it well.. When I'm around Connor, I may eat a piece of fruit or something, just to "reassure" him that I am eating. He thinks I'm eating regular, healthy meals. No. If I did that, then I'd be told off, I'd be called fat and ugly again and my head would be taken over by these thoughts.. When I don't eat anything, or I restrict, I feel like I'm beginning to be thin, like I'm not going to be fat anymore.. but as soon as I have to go to Connor's and stay over, I have to eat full, healthy, proper meals and that's 3 square meals a day. I feel like crying at the dinner table. I'm always the last one to finish. Always. And I feel like they're watching me, making sure I eat every morsel, even though they don't know that I've been restricting. I cry when I'm alone and my stomach growls painfully, I go upstairs and cry everytime I've just eaten in front of Connor to make him happy. I hate it.

I exercise every other day - Monday morning and evening, Wednesday evening, Friday evening, plus combat on Saturday morning. People say it's excessive, but I disagree. Am I wrong to disagree? Is it excessive?

What can I do?

You have a great understanding of where your issues are coming from. The abuse you suffered as a child, trying to take control of something and trying to get some power back but in effect thinking if you are thin that you will be loved. Those old abusive tapes play and have had a huge impact on you.

You are doing the right thing in having counselling on the child abuse that you suffered, getting to the route of the problem. Eventually you will be able to love yourself for who you are and the way you are.

Hugs.

That's the thing.. I don't see myself as ever loving myself for who I am and the way I am. Because I hate myself so much right now and it just seems like it'll never change..

Costs of the counselling means that I can't go anymore because I just can't afford to travel there and pay for the counselling, along with rent at home and food, plus bills. Sigh. It's all too much and I'm constantly thinking about it, worrying about it, therefore trying to gain more and more control by not eating.

This just isn't working. What ever will?

Hey Painneverdies,

I read your first post and was thinking i wonder if it ever does die or go away , the pain,

Today the thought crossed my mind . I know how I can get money for denistry.

Ill just stop eating.

about the only corner I have left to cut , except to get rid of internet and not skate once a week .

This was around 6:00 pm today .

then I sat in the parking lot and felt real sorry for myself . And felt even more so as I read a blog about a beautifu talanted smart woman who has a gazzillion of friends at her side as she vallianty struugles her last days dieing from breast cancer, In AA a beautiful soul , laughing giving to others even as she can barely type. Has Children had a great paying job, and still very close to her ex husband.

Im doing something wrong.

I can't hold a candel to her , Shes lived a full life she has love all around her friends family by the truck loads.

I don't know whats wrong with me . And this just rienforses another mans viwes of me . Maybe its the Men comming into my life to compare me without getting to really kow me talk to me see me.

Pain .. I read about your abuse... Me too.

and the hidding from Connor and your restricting in private ,

I'm trying to get in touch with that from what I did in the past .

I'm wondering what you think of this and why your doing it.

For me its control. I wanted to man my own eating ship . Or is it captainess my ship.

It's okay for us to choose and deside whats best for us , I have a difficut enough time holding on to my own rudder while many want to have a say or complain about my choices . I don't eat bread except for once in a while .

Its an inconvience for some .

so is being a vegan . sigh.

Patricia

Just some thoughts.

Wow.

I know it's control for me.. The less I eat, the more control I have, plus, my plan for being able to afford the counselling was to stop eating, or start restricting even more, so I have.

The reason i hide it from Connor is because then I know that I'M the one in control, not him. It's not him choosing what I do and dont eat, it's me. Strange as it sounds, I feel like by hiding it from everyone, I am in control of my life. Because of being in control of my eating, that's something I am in control of in my life, therefore I am in control of my life.

Sigh. I've surrounded myself with food, food that I cook, food that I prepare for others to eat, but never food for me to eat. Never. Unless it's salad. Even then I'll probably not have it. People think I'm eating it, but I always just throw it in the bin, or give it to someone else. I don't eat it, I don't want to eat it. I hate myself. I'm fat, ugly, repulsive and I shouldn't eat because it'll make me fatter.

What I think of the restricting in private? I think.. At least people can't catch me out when I'm doing it, because I'll eat a piece of fruit or something from a salad, and he'll be happy, he'll think nothing of it. Great on my part. Not so much on his, but I just want to be thinner and more in control and he wants me to be happy and I will be if I'm thin and in control.

Bleh. I don't feel so good today..

Duhhhh, DeeBBBB,

I'm feeling quite foolish right now, Pain, I answered last night with a vaugue recolection of your first Post . I just reread it and what Pegusus wrote . I was in my own world of hurt trying to get out some how . I missed your already seeing its about control.

I think Peg is correct that the ramifications of past abuse gets worked out in the form ,actions ,interations of an eating disorder and as you said it detracts from some of the original pain and the issues that arise from the day to day reinforcement of the abusers projection onto us.

Its like a deadly performace Picasso , work of art through the body.

I had this happen to me also . I was ganged up on by an entire class room and those who were my neighborhood girlfreinds. There were Bully leaders . I was the victium.

So this lead to Body dismorphia . When I turned 13 I started becomming beautiful . But I was told my legs were ugly , i was ugly, too tall , uncoordinated , poor posture, flat chested, and fat , always fat,

It took me till I was "50 years old" to realize I have GREAT LEGS,
i do.. And I'm not fat at all. As I look back o my early teen years I can see in a few photos I was not fat I was pretty atractive .

No one told me . I guess they assume I knew . I really didn't.

I'm kinda over the hill now. and only three years old with appreciating my body.

I took some self photos of me in the woods..and they let me see me . many not knowing me truely woulds assume other thoughts when seeing what I did.

I can still easily vasilate about my self image outwardly. so I have to be careful about what kind of men Im around.

The abuse effected me inwardly as well . The message being . Im not good enough.

Fear of fat is a big one with the restricting and control . Acceptance that Im no longer fat and ugly and don't need to be any thinner helps.
Its when I get around others that may hint Im not adequate or reject me that the ,

"i'll just loose more weight" thought comes in.

Its just a thought Now . I try to recognize it for what it is .
So is the I'll just stop eating to get more money .
Its just a thought.

My real issue is fear and Im in pain right now and have been for over three years .
filed with Bully thoughts ,

placing myself with those who veiw me as sick and a problem.

Kinda reinforcement for My being the Problem and to balme in my family ..

anyway.

I let myself have a piece of chocoate or a cookie ever so often , even an ice cream cone . and Im okay, I just have to mange the I want the while bo and bag feeling so I just don't purchase bags.

I was in the supper walmart after visiting the dentist. I needed some comfort. Went in and they were 'OUT" of thier big huge oatmeal cookies ,

They had a five packer. . At 450 cals each I knew Id be in trouble with a fiver..
so what did I get....

O yeah an Ice cream cup from a Mcdonalds store in the lobby,,,,and a bag of oranges for the trip home,

***************
Heres a question / exersize to ask .

What if Conner weren't in the picture?

what if it was just you?

What would you eat then and for whom.
And what food would you want to fix for you if no one knew,

BTW. I'm not real good with fixing food for others . I don't spend lots of time thinking about food .

I spent all my time for 14 years 24 hours and that was my life.

Now its just whats for my meal as it aproaches one day at a time .

whe it gets to be for someone else Ill be i new teritory, It hasn't happened yet . Hopefully Ill have someoe whos aware that I need some support .

.because of what I experienced I can never be" Normal" . Susy home baker . So I work with what my life has been and thats okay, I have other things I can offer other than being a great cook even though I was one once upon a time.

Patricia

I still feel inadequate, still feel fat, not tall enough, like I have horrible legs, a horrible stomach, a horrible chest, everything.. I apparently have a "****** nose" which is what my sister called it. I always think she's gonna change, I always talk to her kindly (we don't live together) and as though she's the best twin in the world and I love her so much. I do love her so much. But she's such a cow to me, yet every time, i think she's gonna change, every time, I let myself in to being beaten down again, I weaken my barrier and she knocks it straight down. So, I've learned to stop doing that now. Always be prepared for it. And last night, she added me on msn. I though t'hey, that's nice, but I'm ready for her to spit s**t at me' and sure enough, not long into the conversation she started having a pop about Mum being an alcoholic, so I threw back at her that her smoking is exactly the same as Mum drinking, or me cutting. It's all a form of self harm she said "I only do it when i'm drinking, I don't need it, I just like it, so don't start that s**t on me" so I just said "Bry, dear.. It doesn't matter whether you just do it socially or not. If you didn't need it then why do it? It's still the same as Mum with alcohol and me with cutting. You cannot deny that, so don't you dare even try to have a poop at me, or our Mother, bceause you're wrong and you know it." She just said ok after that. Score:1.0 to me. Yes!

She tried being nasty about my dog, saying I'm not having her back. So, I thought what the hell? I'll give her a piece of information that she can't chew on. So told her that I'm getting a parrot and told her about how, he normally bites new people, but when he met me he just crawled over my shoulders. She didn't know what to say. She hates the fact that I'm achieving stuff, especially when it's so much more than what she's achieving.

She likes to tell me how imperfect I am. Likes to comment on my pictures on facebook, telling me I look like a man, or something pathetic like that. I hate it. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It makes me insecure. It makes me hate myself that little bit more.. Grr. I hate myself enough, isn't that enough for Bryony? Isn't that enough for all the people that hate me so much they just want to make me feel worse?

I scare myself sometimes.. I'm going to the gym four days a week.. Evgeryone tells me that's overdoing it, excessive, but I'm like.. Wha? I'm just trying to tone up.. NOT. More like lose super amounts of weight and not eat properly so I can lose those super amounts of weigth and become thin like I have wanted to for ages.. You know.. I look at pictures of me now, sometimes and I think.. That's not me.. I'm not her. She's pretty. She's got a nice, smoothly shaped face, pretty eyes, lovely hair.. Of course, I love my hair.. But.. It's not me.. She's not fat, I am.

Blahh. I'm supposed to be going to the female gym sessions now, but I have so much college work to get done and it's all like.. Gaaaahhh!

So.. I'm making up for ti by working out double time in the gym tonight. If my friends find out and other people, they'll go nuts. So.. It's yet more hiding away from people. Not fun.

I just don't know how long this will last for.. I even have a dieting buddy.

Ok, if Connor weren't in the picture? I would still restrict and starve and such. I'm insecure about everything about me. I hate myself, so why wouldn't I carry on restricting and starving etc. I'll not stop just because certain people are out of the picture.. My adoptive family fo rinstance, even htough I don't live with them and barely talk to them, anymore, I still feel like I have to prove myself to them somehow, I still feel like I have to be thin for them, i still feel like I have to be perfect for them. I know it#s an impossible goal, but.. I've been as close to perfect as I can get, before, so why hsouldn't I do it again?

Pain,

I hear you . Its the need for family and community . Unfortunatey our family of origin is toxic and I tend to find those that match my family of origin . I'm guessing your the scape goat in the family and your trying to have everyone just join in look at thier stuff and everyone heal and become healthy and love.

I tend to go crawling back to these situations again and again . only to get kicked again and again . Its natural to want love and connection. But not this kind. Not the kind I have been allowing.

its the saddest and lonliest place to be to remove oneself from the sourse . the games the suttlety of it that others just can't see but you know is there.
Its a battle on the psychic level.

I see the battle your waging in all this on you . the fight . I recongnize it Ive done it I get into it . I'm always tryig to get them to see and appologize. It just doesn't happen.

Fight no more,
go within and love yourself . don't let your family and sister back in.

its lonely
I think you have a good guy with Connor ,

love yourself like crazey hug yourself mightly.

Much luv,

Patricia

I do go crawling back to people that are just like my adoptive family.. It's stupid, but it's because they're the people I'm so used to being around.. :-/
I allow the wrong love too.. I mean.. I allowed the right love with Connor, because he does indeed care about me like crazy and he loves me, too.. He hates it when I cry, to see me hurting so much.. I broke down today, I apologised, saying.. "I'm sorry baby.. I'm just so on edge at the moment and I.. I.. Sigh. I don't know.. I'm just really on edge and upset at the moment. Sorry". He told me not to apologise and asked what's wrong.. I couldn't tell him, I just felt so unable. I didn't want him to see me cry.. And on the rare day I'd worn makeup as well, it's always the way.. I didn't cry for long, though. I hid my face, knowing that if I carried on, I wouldn't stop for a while.

It never happens, does it.. They just don't see where they're wrong, not us.. They blame us instead, they put the blame on us to save them feeling guilty. They shout to release the frustration at them feeling guilty, to shout at us that we should feel guilty. So we do

They played so many games.. So, so many.. Everytime someone came over, they'd either make me go to my room, or send me away with their kids.. Or, if they couldn't get rid of me, they'd be really nice to me in front of the visitor(s) and show off their power over me, by ordering me to do things.. The visitor(s) saw nothing wrong with it, but that's because of how subtley they'd play those games.. After that, I'd get the beat. For not just staying out of the way, or for talking, or not standing in the right place, in the right stance. Ugh..

How can I not let my own twin back in? It hurts.. So, so much.. I don't know what to do.. My old counsellor made me feel like I was wrong for not letting them back in, for not forgiving them.. One of the nurses at the hospital once said "do you never think that it's partly your fault?" I hated her for that. She also started taking the p*ss out of my SI, started singing and said write a song about it, and she sang about how I really wanted to cut my arms and stuff. Made me sick. I hate her. All my time out of there, I've been told by others "It's not your fault. None of it's your fault. It's their fault. They're evil, manipulative, nasty people. Blah blah blah." But as soon as people say "have you ever thought it's actually your fault?" I zone in on it, and start to blame myself again. Stop the self affirmations, ignore what others say and listen to the few people, professionals, that have told me it's my fault.

Bleh.
The starve starts tomorrow. Connor doesn't know why I asked him to buy me celery. Good thing in my eyes, but bad thing if I want to recover. I just.. I can't face up to it all when it's screaming at me.

I do have a good guy with Connor. He's amazing. He's the main Man in my life that has made me feel even half of the strength I am. He's kept me going this long. Without him, I'd be nothing. Gone. Dead. I love him so much, I hate to hurt him, but every time I start to get better, someone says or does something, or something happens and I crash again. When will this stupid, stupid crashing stop? When will the evil STOP?!

That nurses comment doesn't sit well with me either.

Not sure whats up with the bold type here Pain bear with me . I think its left over from starlite post.

Yep the forgiveness thing . With my brother its to darn risky to let him back in.
I hope I leave this earth befor he does. Thats about all I can say about it.

I really can't take anymore pain from him . so Im considering going completly no contact. no cards nothing.

This last card was just more of what hes always done.

I feel so very alone Pain . I can't replace my family . its the worst feeling. Its more difficult to share with new people. I wish I had the pictures of family .

and yes I could develop more friends but its just not the same . I reallt feel like an orphane . out of the loop and responsible for it but Im not .

Patricia.

Hi Pain,

I was in a place a few days ago where the usual inspiration books I read from were just not helping . I told this to my therapst On Monday. Usually can open certain books and its right there .

Well I found the book I needed.sitting on one of my tables. Its out in the open so that means its something that I want to finish. Ive been carrying it arounds for the past three months from bag to bag to table .

Its 'The Four Agreements' By Don Miguel Ruiz

I've known about this book for three years.

Theres a section called take nothing personally and he is dicussing the very thing we are comiserating about . How o deal with those who hurt us with thier words.

he uses wording such as sending poison whih i don't care for . I don't like to think Im capable or do that. But when I get hurt and my backs up against the wall and they have hurt me it takes everything in me to not strike back and at times i do.

Any way . Page 56 to 61 found to be true He talks about suffering as an addiction. and how yo deal with gossip . etc.

This thought came to me about my brother.

I feel like sending a card that is blank inside and just write these words to him and those will be my last.

" Why do you want to hurt me?"

and thats all I'll say.

take care of yourself today Pain.

Patricia

I couldn't put poison behind my words... Never. I could never spit nasty words at someone, ever. When I'm backed up against a wall, it takes me giving 3 warnings before I lash out with harsh words... and by then, I'm cradling a clenched fist and ready to punch someone if they so much as touch me. I'm not a violent person, whether it be emotionally or physically. I know how it is to have people being biolent towards me, so how could I possibly do it to them?

I would love to do the same, Patricia... But you know what? I'm scared that they wouldn't reply, or would rip it up in my face or w/e. I'd be scared of that. How pathetic? Very.

I AM fat and ugly, I AM repulsive and unloved. That's how I feel. Is that unreasonable? Maybe in "normal" circumstances, but not my own. Sigh. Today is not a good day.

I wish I could just see that family and say "Why did you do this to me?" and that's all I'd say and wait for an answer, not that I'd get one...

[quote=ThePainNeverDies;990232]

I would love to do the same, Patricia... But you know what? I'm scared that they wouldn't reply, or would rip it up in my face or w/e. I'd be scared of that. How pathetic? Very.

I AM fat and ugly, I AM repulsive and unloved. That's how I feel. Is that unreasonable? Maybe in "normal" circumstances, but not my own. Sigh. Today is not a good day.

i fantisized about sending it to my brother. Also telling him the truth , what happened to me while he was away at school and also the regression ,

hes so angry and blames me so that I had the same thoughts you did . I'm afraid he would throw the envelope in the trash and not read it.

I also would think he'd respond in the ways he always has. That Im made it all up .

know you think and feel like your fat and ugly . But in reality you are not
I was talking today in therapy as to jusy how difficult it is for me to get rid of other peoples labels they put on me . I have little doubt that sharing and buning it will make it go away.

I don't know how to get release. I don't . So Im right there with you . on the struggle to get thier thoughts and oppinions out of your head.

find a way to see your self as beautiful Pain. I hope someone passes you by today and says . Wow you are so gourqeuos,

Put on a huge smile first It just may happen.

Patricia

ThePainNeverDies - you are loved. Connor does love you. I don't think that will change just because you eat full meals.

Not eating can cause so many troubles, I don't think he wants to see you hurting from starving yourself in the future. I don't think he wants to watch all the horrible things to people who dont eat happen to you to.

For what its worth - I don't know what you look like. I DO know that the most important thing is health, and I also know that eating disorders can take over your life. Please try to eat. For yourself, connor, your friends, but mostly for yourself because you matter

I guess... I do get people saying I'm beautiful, but how can I believe it when my sister's always the one getting the "stunning, beautiful eyes, gorgeous" comments? It's not fair... She says she's going on a diet. WHY????!!!!! I don't know if it's just to get to me, to make me feel like I need to go on a diet... I hope not. But she would be the type to do that.

I don't know how to get release... I really, honestly don't. How? How can I see myself as beautiful? How can I release my emotions in a way that I feel is safe? The only way of releasing my emotions that I feel is safe, is cutting or not eating. If Connor found out I'm building myself up to a major, full blown starve, he'll go nuts. Not angry nuts... Just upset nuts... And that's why I can't tell him about it, can't tell him the reason I've "lost 8lbs" is because I've been restricting a lot... Yes.. Got me on the scales today... I've apparently lost 8lbs. I couldn't look. I didn't want to see how much weight I'd gained. Huh. Apparently I've LOST 8lbs. More like PUT ON 8lbs... Considering all the stuff I ate at his...

My stomach is so sore.. My head throbs, my eyes ache... I have to run breakfast club tomorrow and I know that Nick'lll say something if I don't have any breakfast. He did last time. I'd rather die trying to be thin than live and be fat. I hate being fat. I hate it!

I would link you to my homepage to prove to you how fat I am, but... Everyone will just say "that its no way the definition of fat" like someone said to me before. I just... I don't believe it. I'm sorry. I'll shut up.

don't shut up... I do understand the self image thing - I have a touch of it myself, i can't seem to get happy with certain parts, but I also have been seeing the truth, even though i don't feel it for my stomach - my boyfriend has helped with that.

I don't want you to die being thin. Connor loves you as you are, I think it's time to try to see through his eyes, to try to learn how to love you. I think there's more behind the desire to be thin than just a body image.

It's not just the body image, I know that...

I know Connor loves me for who I am, but I know he'd like me to be thinner... I know he wants me to lose weight... Because he wants me to be happy and he wants me to be thinner because that's what'll make me happy... I think he'd prefer a thinner gf too...

I went shopping earlier and spent almost £10 on salad stuff. That's my safe food. Salad and soup. That's it. :-/ Connor doesn't seem to fazed by it. In fact he's glad I'm "saving money" by living on soup for a few weeks, then 'going back to normal'. Nuh-uh... That's not the way it'll be at all... I know he thinks my eating's fine, because I eat "normally" at his... But I always feel so, so guilty for doing so... I always want to bring it back up, but never can because someone would hear me and go nuts on me...

I don't know. I feel ill and just want to sleep, but I'm too scared to sleep...I just want to have control over my own life for once...

you can control your eating all you want but by controlling it in a way that is unhealthy you are giving up control of the rest of your life.

If you want control... control anything else. Control the quality of food, make sure you get enough.

I know I can control my eating and the quality of food etc... I already do that, but the only thing I feel is safe to eat is salad or soup. I can't eat anything else without feeling disgusting... Yes I can eat it at Connor's, but that's just because I don't want to let on to him, or his parents, that I'm restricting my intake to lose weight. I'll be happy if I lose 2 stone.

Even eating salad is hard... Or soup with a slice of bread. I hate it, I really do... But I have to do it for Connor. If I didn't have Connor I wouldn't be eating at all. I hate going behind his back, really I do... But I just want to be happy with who i am, the way I look. People say "oh but you're so pretty, you're so slim, you've got a lovely figure" and I just stand there and think 'are you joking?'

The only time I actually feel slim/pretty is when I'm not eating, or I'm restricting heavily. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.

Hi Pain,

I wanted to read and respond last night . I had to get some sleep.

Boy dud I have a strange dream this morning. I should write it down.

heres what stands out to me in your writting and saw in my friend I corresponded with and its a theme in myself.

Your Sister.
it may well be a fact she has a more noticable look . one that fit's into the ideal beauty the media and artists for ages have been "DRAWN" to.

And they get the attention , and they get it from parents and others , while the other or other siblings don;t see that attention or that glint in the parents eye that they see toward the sibling.
this does not mean the other sibss are no beautiful or even more talanted in ways the gourgous one is.

My Brother got the home made desk in his room. I got the kitchen table to do my home work on. He got the "boys State" awards in science , and preparation was all about him going to MIT.

He got the private long talks with my mother. ( this was pre eating disorder) that I never got, i just got complaining .mean while I was dieng and no one coud get the wake up call . It was all about me bieng a faliure , the one who no matter what did not matter.

many times in the fmily there are favorites. And depending on the severity it can be costly.

I cannot change the past. And looking at it is painful. I can learn to hug myself , find what they missed .and grieve for thier blindness of what they were doing TO me instead of FOR me. And also look at the things they did do for me . There WERE positives. Unfortuately way too many minuses.

I gotta go , my dogs having a bad day and that make mine not so great.



Patricia

Heh. She and my cousin, the older one out of two, were actually the two "bigger" less attractive girls... Looking back, I see pictures of me with my beautiful long, shining, sleek dark brown hair, and my cute, wide smile; I look at how slim I was - the fact that my shoulder blades protruded through even the heaviest of jumpers - and most of all my personality as a kid. Watching a video of me the other day, I watched it over and over again in tears, thinking... 'How could they have called ME chubs? Fat? Ugly?' I was none of those! My twin... She was fake, still is... She wears so much slap you can see her face is orange. She's ruined her hair by dying it blonde, to make her blue eyes stand out and make her look like a "hot blonde chick" as she thinks most guys are attracted to that, straightening it every day and putting crap loads of products in it. Fake tan, too. Gee, she's plastic!! I don't mean to sound nasty about her, but it's so true... I hate to see my sister have to cover up like that. Ugh. It's horrible.

I don't put on loads of slap... I wear makeup from time to time when I'm going out, I guess that's just because of the rapes... I don't want guys to find me attractive because I'm scared of it happening again. I don't know...

I don't want to eat. I want to starve more than anything, just so I can be thin. I've lost between4-8lbs already, I can lose 5 times that. At least. Sigh. Why can't I just be happy with who I am? Dammit!

I wish I could change the past and I know that I can't but I know that i can try to make my future better and I'm trying, really I am.

I 'm sorry about the rapes Pain I understand the need to not appeare beautiful to attarct attention. Maybe this is tied into the anger of watching your sister make over herself for men .

She may have a freedom to enhance her looks , thatyou may not. She may have not been raped buT you have . And thats not fair is it Pain.

That anger comes out sideways at times. And you may have fear for your sister . That just came to me.

Ill be your a beauty And Ihope you can find a safe place to let yourself shine a place of acceptance And by all means . always keep you guard up.



treat yourself gently today.

Patrica

Maybe so... I do worry about her. So much. She's so *******ed stupid with men... She lost her virginity to a one night stand. Did my adoptive parents b*llock her as much as they did me? NO!! Not in the slightest!! She was the same age as me when she lost her virginity... I am still with the guy I lost it to.. How the hell does that make sense??!! It just DOESN'T!!!!

I know Connor likes it when I wear makeup, he knows it makes me feel better, more confident when I'm wearing makeup... In a way, I want to attract attention, good attention... I want to be told how beautful I am, I want to be reminded by people that I look beautiful today... I never get that... Heh. I get the odd beeps from lorry drivers, when I make a lot of effort. But most of the time that's for their entertainment...

I'm going to get my hair cut soon. I hope. I don't like my hair how it is at the moment. It's got too long and such. It's still the beautifully sleek and shiny hair I've always had and loved, but it just looks heavy on my head.

I saw Bryony last night. Guess what she had on??!!!

LOADS of slap, a tiny skirt, and a low cut top. She looked amazing, but she looked awful at the same time! Not one part of her was natural. She smokes, she drinks, she sleeps around. It's a horrible sight to see. Snd she's the older one... Yet... I worry about her?? The first thing she said to me was "what's that on your face?" ARRRRGGGHHH!!! I just wanted to scream ***** OFFFFF! at her, It made me so angry! Then the friend sitting next to her said; "It's just a shadow, Bry"

I felt myself trying to act like someone else around her. I suddenly hated what I was wearing, knowing she'd be looking ay me, thinking 'what a tramp, ugly, fat frump' or whatever. I CAN be beautiful and I know I can... At my prom, she cried because I looked so beautiful... Shana (Adoptive Mum) bought me a drag queen dress, just above the knees, velvet with glitter on.. YUCK!! She really thought I'd wear THAT??? No way! So, I saved long and hard and went to monsoon with Connor and his Mum. We picked out a a load of gorgeous dresses and the last one was slightly damaged. Connor's Mum fixed it for me anyway and you couldn't see it had been damaged at all. Connor went and picked flowers, purple ones. I put mine in my hair and he had his in his pocket. I bought some gorgeous silver strappy shoes and wore my favourite necklace.

Bryony saw me. She was wearing; a short, black dress, with silk draped over her arms, 6in leopard skin heels and a leopard skin clutch bag. Ick. It looked tacky, but suited her! She looked at me and cried her eyes out. She couldn't believe how beautiful I looked. The fact that I looked better than HER for once. She hated it and cried. She apologised. She'd been the one that had picked out the first horrible drag queen dress for me. She wanted me to look worse. Shana had urged her to find a horribble one. They spent about £20 on it. £50 odd on Bryony. But my new, beautiful flowing turquoise-green dress cost me £70 and I wouldn't have paid a penny less for it. I still have it now. I'm so glad that we went dress shopping, Connor, his Mum and I. Because everyone commented on how beautiful I looked and that... Well.. That was the best, most beautiful day of my life!

So yeah.. I can be beautiful... But that was before the rape... I had less scars then too. I guess... I was hoping that my scars would ward off men. but instead, the last guy that raped me... He just said "what's this? You're beautiful... Why are you doing that to yourself?" Thanks for the compliment, but no thanks for the horror you caused me!

I know I'm angry at my sister. She's constantly putting me down and I hate her for that. But at the same time, I love her so much that I can't just "break all contact with her" like everyone keeps telling me to do... I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her... For being so mean and heartless... But I love her... And that's just because she's my twin sister... I can't find any other reason why I love her, because she's never said I kind word about me apart from that day when I looked more beautiful than her and she only said that because others were around and she wanted to seem nice. Why do I love her so much and keep going back to her? I DON'T KNOW!!! and I HATE not knowing!

It's not fair. It's not fair that I've always kept myself well covered up, never shown much of my body off, despite "having a lovely, beautiful body" (according to Connor and a few others), yet I still get raped. It's not fair that she shows off as much of her body as possible and makes loads of effort when she goes out, even just when she's working, or at home all day... Yet she NEVER in her LIFE has been raped or abused. What is it about me that people just want to abuse me? I don't understand *sob* I hate myself for having something about me that makes people want to abuse me...

I hate myself.

I have been used for the pleasure of others at my expense. I was vulnerable , they happened out of the blue and I couldn't respond in the way I should have. I was Brought up to not protect myself or value myself .

I've had 5 indecent exposures from men while out walking or riding my bike . One was standing up on a motorcyle while it was ridng . I call him
Evil Kenievel .. LOL! who knows It coud have been him..

My father said it was because of my legs. Funny I thought that was very odd because my legs were ugly to me. But now when I see my pitures of me at age two I see how a pedophile could get turned on. Its fact. I just didn't want to see it.

My first attempt at reporting something was seeing My father waiting in the back ground while I listened to the police tell me they found the man I had reported for indecent exposure. Had him right there in the police staion, askig me if I wanted to come in and prosecute. The man was from out of town. How they found him I have no idea.

But I was scared so I siad no. Any Father who had not abused his daughter would have been on the horn crazey out of his mind. I know this now.

I wonder what the police thougt at that time , If they were chomping at the bit . OUt of town plates .. A dead sure sign.

I let yet another perpertrator Go . I've let way to many Go.

You mentioned not having enough money for therapy. I hope you can find a way to get a therapist and maybe even have your sister do some sessions with you.

Your reatioship Is important . much more important than to play out the Cinderella complex.

So glad you have Conner . Please don;t hate yourself . It wasn;t your fault. Pain.



Patricia

I had been taught to hate myself and to believe that I didn't deserve to protect myself, that whatever happened to me happened for good reason, so I shouldn't try to protect myself and if I tried to, then I'd just get hurt more. So... Yes, I was vulnerable too.

My Adoptive Parents never believed me when they found out from a teacher that had asked my permission to ell them, that my ex had tried to rape me... The said it was a pack of lies bulls***. So... Yeah, when my teacher told me to talk to the head of the school, to get this guy punished, I said no because they wouldn't believe me. She assured me that they would, but I didnt't think so... So as far as I know, it was left at that.

I'm sorry to hear about your Father and everything else... It's so sad when we feel that we can't prosecute... It just shows how s*** society is at the moment. Just how much stuff is let go. It's ridiculous and it makes me so angry. When I found out about the 3 guys that raped me geting away with it, I though... There must be so many people in the world who have been let down by the police, people taht are actually telling the truth, yet some people that aren't telling the truth and are blatently lying just get away with it and the guy/girl that raped the other person, gets sent down. How the Hell does that work???

I know our relationship is important... But she's just being such a cow to me at the moment.. Everytime we talk, it's always me making the effort to keep the conversation going.. Sigh. I can never talk to her about my problems like she does with me, because otherwise she'll proably tell Shana... And Gahhhh! I can have HER know my problems.

My starving's getting more advanced and a program on TV last night triggered me and I found tips from it... :/ I'm kinda scaring myself now, but... I just... I don't feel thin enough to get the help from SWEDA. It's not as though I'm thin at all, let alone dangerously thin.